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Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Opened A Bag I Didn't Know Was There

Today, I opened a bag that I didn't know I was still carrying.
You know, how in Heather Forbe's Book "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" she talks about parents dealing with their own stuff, before they can deal with the kids?  I have even written about it here.

And yet, today, I found myself getting stressed, feeling frustration, and not communicating like I needed to, to help the girls understand what I needed from them.
When I was a kid, one of the things we got into trouble for ALOT, was how we kept our drawers, our room, how we made our beds and how we did our chores. 
I have been ok in teaching the girls how to do their chores, and keep things clean when they were smaller.
But for some reason, today, I felt like, they SHOULD know how to do things by now.  And when I was looking over their room.... I found "dress up clothes" that belong outside in the trunk, HUNG UP, and clean clothes, that I had washed, on the floor, behind the book case, wadded in drawers...... and I started to cry.
I was so frustrated......and then, I found the chess pieces to a very expensive chess board, in the closet loose on a shelf???
So the conversation goes....
"Why are the chess pieces in here?"
They have always been in here....
"Ummm, no they haven't, do you remember what we keep them in?"
Yes... a basket.
"Where is the basket?"
I took it outside for play.....
So the chess pieces WERE in the right PLACE, just minus the container that was supposed to hold them....
I was forgetting that much of my girl's play is still much younger than their age.
I was dysregulated......
I sat down and started to cry and all my little women came around me. They hugged me and said, "I'm sorry mommy"...... which made me feel worse......but better in a way, as I knew they cared.
I was a big fat failure today.

I pulled myself up and went and talked to Mike and he brought out the "hmmm. think there may be something there from long ago?"   ugh.....
yes.
  There is LOTS there from long ago. LOL

So he gave me His ideas on things and how I can keep from getting overwhelmed with the girlie dorm room. :)
He had much good to say and offered some much needed support for a weary mommy soul.
He also said not to worry about getting my expensive tooth fixed. I need to keep my tooth. That was a huge relief for me. I know how hard he works and my tooth is more than a weeks work. :(

Part of me today is also sad because I could not be with my older children while our Ilse had her surgery.  She had  a G-tube put in today.   I feel like a big fat failure there too.  But I couldn't cancel a Dr. appointment and a Dentist Appointment and cancel school on top of that..... UGH
The life of a mom with older and younger children is hard.  My older children sometimes get my neglect, as the younger children need me. :/
I don't know what the answer is, other than to trust the Lord.  He ALWAYS knows.  And as Mike said,
"Your bags are heavy because YOU are carrying them." Let them go. :)
He was right.
I feel so much better now...... :)

7 comments:

Autumn said...

ok, novice BCLC questions...I didn't find anything wrong with you thinking the girls should know how to clean their room - shouldn't they? And, I'm a little OCD myself, so I would have been a little upset if I found clean clothes behind the book case and wadded in drawers. I think it would be normal to be a bit frustrated at that...right? That sounds normal to me...maybe you have a few things to teach me too! LOL ;) As always, love your blog and learning all I can!
Oh, and how is the baby? Why does she need a G-tube?

Mike and Christie said...

Autumn, you are right. They DO know (3 out of 4) how to put things away....but they were being lazy.
The BCLC part I failed on, was instead of getting upset, I should have just instructed.
And for the one who DOESN'T know better.... it wasn't fair to expect something from her she couldn't give.

It is normal, but reacting instead of responding isn't ok.
The way I should have handled it, was , "I see we have a big mess.... let's work together and take care of it.... instructing them along the way instead of saying "HOW did this get back here!" "Who would put clean clothes behind the dresser!"
That is not very helpful, as they were already feeling a bit guilty.... (and should have) LOL

It would have been much better to just work together and let them get the job done right and then explain later, that all that time was spent unnecessarily.... and then Mike said, I should be checking regularly for now, especially as Miss Alli is so new and really doesn't have the skills at this point. She is learning very quickly and is CAPABLE.... we all are....
I have a little mess in my own drawer to clean up too. :)

FaerieMama said...

Oh, Christie, HUGE thanks for this post. I sooo fail at BCLC like this far too often, and my little girlie comes to me too and comforts me and I feel worse..lol! THank ou for being so honest . it helps me. I kind of hold you up as my standard and never ever think you struggle like I do with such things. makes me realize i"m not as horrible a mother as I think i am. Love you.

Autumn said...

Ok. Awesome. That's what I thought! Just checking! I love the BCLC lessons. :) I'm trying to soak up everything I can!

Mike and Christie said...

Keri, you are an awesome mom! It is OBVIOUS! LOL
I hope you only look to the Lord for your standard.... I fall WAY too short. LOL
AND by looking to the Lord.... we always wind up in total dependence upon HIM who is the PERFECT.... :)

Mike and Christie said...

Autumn, Our little Ilse was born with a syndrome called Smith Lemli Opitz Syndrome. It is a rare condition, and part of it is the baby is not able to suck. In order for her to go home, they had to insert a G Tube so the kids can feed her without sticking a tube up her nose or down her throat every time. That is what we had to do with Tim and it was awful. Pray for Ilse tonight if you can... she is in pain. Her mommy is spending the night with her.

Annie said...

You are very blessed in your husband. I suppose I don't have a lot in my past - apart from the perfect, safe and loved childhood, so I get frustrated with my husband who once said in despair, as we talked about RAD, "This is what it looks like at 60!"

I get frustrated with HIM, whereas I have such patience (well, usually) with the kids. That's my weakness.

My big kids live so far away that I can't do much for them..... I really hate that. But, my MOM is in town and I oh-so-often feel that I neglect HER because of the younger kids..... Juggling is hard.

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