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Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Process

 Diana blogged about writing a letter to your child on RAD..... I decided to write about the process......
 Thanks for the idea Diana. :)
A Letter About What Happens.......

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you when you were born.... and placed in a bed, all alone. I can't imagine how scared you must have been when you didn't hear your mama's voice..... it was silent, except for the other baby next to you, who was longing for her mother's voice.   You both would coo and cry and hope that a mama would come... but they didn't.

When you were wet, it was so cold and nobody changed you.... when you were hungry, oh how your tummy must have hurt, but nobody fed you....

You learned not to cry.  It was a very sad day the day you learned that your cries meant nothing to anybody in this world.  Your world was very, VERY small. Just a crib, in a room... a dank, cold room.

Once in a while somebody would roughly handle you, and you were thankful for the quick touch and dry diaper.

You were thankful to get fed too and you didn't dare cry or they would put you back, alone, by yourself.

When you were old enough to crawl, there was no where to crawl. There was nobody to play with, there was nobody to see your sweet teeth come in and nobody to dress you in cute little clothes.

Nobody noticed you, so you stopped noticing anybody else.

Yes, you were Your own little lost soul... in your own little world. 

The short times of attention hurt you so much because they ended so quickly.

You must have been so afraid. So lonely... and you were brave and covered the pain, you couldn't cry...anymore! Nobody cared anyway.

You were moved from your crib to a group when you were 3..... there were other kids your age and you all shared clothes and food and were strapped to potty chairs for a good amount of the day.  You quickly learned to go potty, but nobody praised you... they just untied you until next time.

Then, one day, in your little life, a man and a woman came to your orphanage. They saw you, and they kept smiling at you...how odd.....
They made you feel scared.

They even tried to TOUCH YOU! This made you recoil in fear.

After several days of these people coming to see you, they brought you new and strange clothes... and they took you away from your friends.

You couldn't understand a word they were saying, but somehow you thought maybe it COULD be good... they were always smiling....

You were so scared at their touch... you didn't want to be touched, it almost hurt. 
They patiently stroked your back and rubbed your hair, and you learned it wasn't too bad..... you like hearing their soothing voice.

But, then, something started to happen in your heart. Feelings that you had never felt... longing to hear a voice struck your very soul and you recoiled once again.

Primaly, you remembered the loss of not hearing your mother, and you never wanted to feel that pain again.  So you pushed away the nice soothing hand, and the comforting voice with a big huge NOOOOOO!!!!!!

You didn't want to hurt again. You didn't want to trust again.... it is too hard. You are fine on your own, running your own life... doing your own thing.

Why did these people have to come and RUIN it all?? Why? Why couldn't they have left you in your numbness? In your emotional stupor?

Well sweetie, they didn't...
Because of a word called LOVE.

They wanted to love YOU! Of all the people that inhabit this planet... out of BILLIONS, YOU were chosen to love. 

They knew you would be scared. They knew it would be a huge sacrifice for you, and also for them.... because they knew they would need to give and give and give and give to help you to begin the path of healing....
And it hurts. It really does hurt.
But your new parents knew it would.

However, once you take that gentle step of trust... just a little bit...  just an itty bitty bitty bit...you will see that while your mommie's voice is not the same voice you missed for so long.... and longed to hear .... she DOES have a nice voice, and a nice touch and a gentleness about her that you admire.

And if you just open your heart just a little smidge.... and let her in, she will LOVE you with a love you have never known. 

It will be VERY scary at first... but pretty soon, you will know that you know that you know, that she will not leave you. She will not forsake you.  She will not abandon you....and you will be fed. You will be changed. You will be adored and admired, because yes my child, you deserve to be loved.
Yes you do!

5 comments:

FaerieMama said...

beautiful. And you have no idea how God is about to use this post in our house: Nastia's very first friend is here visiting us for the week. I'll call her Angel, bc she looks like one. Angel has RAD. Angel was adopted at 3 years old with her 2 older brothers. She ended up in the family of a severe alcholic, and lived with the pain of incest every day ( her oldest brother did horrible things to her until age 11 when she confessed). She never felt whole, never felt loved ( except, she says, when she came next door to my house). She has spent the last 5 years running away from DCF custody, psych wards and residential treatment facilities. After two years of silence, she called me this week and asked to come be with us. I spent all last night trying to help her understand the hole in her heart. I asked God to help me find a way to explain it. I just did:)

I'll be reading this to 'Angel' in the morning when she wakes up. PLease pray for her healing. She has a long hard road ahead.

Mike and Christie said...

Oh wow! Thank you for your comment. I will pray for you and her. Children go through so much.

Diana said...

You are a rockstar! Imagine that. But you are!! Thank you so much for sharing this and having the words so many of us need.

Mike and Christie said...

I remember the story we got from Hal Tait about our Sarah. He said she longed to be picked up..... He held her and she held him so tight, he couldn't let her go.... It was time for him to leave the TB sanitarium, and she had to be separated from him.
The nurses had to pull her from him and she cried and wailed. He said it was the most pathetic wail he had ever heard.... and this seasoned Army man, who worked at the Pentagon, wept.... they said, "She'll be fine and they put her alone in a room in a crib once again to wail.... he said, he wept.... HE is why Sarah came to the U.S. in the fist place. Her wailing haunted him. Thank you Mr. Hal. :)

Janis B said...

This is beautiful!

You Are Still Holy

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