Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

"MISTAKES"

The meaning of a word is very, very important.  It is not uncommon for words in our language to be misunderstood!  An example might be "effect" vs. "affect". 

Affect

In order to understand the correct situation in which to use the word affect or effect, the first thing one must do is have a clear understanding of what each word means. The word affect means to produce a change in something.

Effect

The word effect has a different meaning. Effect is defined as a result of something or the ability to bring about a result.


But when it comes to the word "mistake" the meaning is quite clear!

A mistake is a blunder, an error, and even an error in judgment, such as, I bought this dress but it is way to short!  Or  I made a calculation error and I have less money in the bank than I thought!

These are MISTAKES!  Yes, they are lapses in judgment, but there is no ill intent.


In the Trial of Hana Williams, whom I wrote about 2 years ago here, and then the use of TTUAC here
the statement was made that "we made a mistake". 
NO! A mistake was not made.  It was not a "mistake" to feed her frozen food instead of cooked.
It was not a "mistake" to put a lock on a closet door and force her to sleep inside there."
It was not a "mistake" to beat her.
It was not a "mistake" to beat her deaf brother.
It was not a "mistake" to make her stay outside, shower and toilet outside, and sleep in the barn.
It was not a "mistake" to keep the children separate from family celebrations like Christmas.
It was not a "mistake" to sit and watch her as she struggled for life.
It was not a "mistake" to STARVE.HER. TO. DEATH!

No.
It wasn't just "poor judgment" or "misguided judgment". 
No.

It was  a systematic, continual atmosphere of abuse... and then the other children were also put in the position of participation. 
During Hana's last hours on this earth, as she was staggering in the back yard, the mother gave Hana's brothers a switch to go and strike her with.
The children were then directed to LIE to social workers and investigators about where Hana slept and if she had been beaten. :(
It  was not a "mistake" to tell children to lie to authorities.

It was INTENTIONAL.

Now, did they intend for Hana to die?  I don't believe they did.  But honestly, how can the word "mistake" even be used.
Oops she died.  That was a mistake.
It so cheapens Hana's life.

How about we were HORRIBLY WRONG?  How about we are BOTH responsible?
Why even a trial?  Why not plead the truth? How about "We systematically MURDERED our daughter in the name of some sort of wacky- pseudo- parenting paradigm and we are TRULY sorry!"
"It doesn't matter if she were 12 or 20. We abused another human being, that we promised to love and cherish, until she died."
She is DEAD. There is a body in the ground.

There is forgiveness in Christ.  Yes, there is. And I do hope that the William's have sought that forgiveness.  But a sign of repentence would not be to defend your actions, accuse each other of being more at fault, or call your actions a "mistake".
Sin is more accurate.
Sins are transgressions against God, and against His Law.  We are ALL sinners. 
We are all in need of forgiveness.  I pray that the Williams find that forgiveness.

One of the saddest parts of this entire story, besides a family torn apart, and the death of Hana, is that this family, just like all families that adopt, had wonderful, GOOD intentions!
They wanted to do something for children.  They wanted to joyfully add to their family.
And something went tragically WRONG.  It was NOT the fault of Hana Williams.

If you are a future adoptive family, one of the very best things you can do while you wait, is get prepared for what is going to CHANGE.YOUR. LIVES. forever!
The process of bringing home children is a shock to the family AND even MORE SO to the child!
PREPARE YOURSELVES! 
Don't be the bride who worries about the fanciness and joy of the wedding and forgets to prepare for the marriage!
The LONG HAUL life of adoption can be wonderful! It can also be stressful! 
Deal with your own baggage before you bring your kids home!  I promise, you will have more to deal with after they arrive! :)
REACH OUT to the adoption community. DO NOT ISOLATE! And do NOT be in a group that speaks negatively about their children in disparaging ways!  Do NOT participate in "Misery Love Company" type groups.

Instead, find TRUE adoption support.  Seek out social workers, friends, friends of friends, and find families that are SUCCESSFUL.
LEARN FROM THEM! 
There are many blogs on my side bar to choose from that are successful with their children. They do not have magically easy children. Some deal with very difficult circumstances! 
Go to websites like  Empowered to Connect.  There is so much information there and it is wonderful!

There are also conventions to go to! There is one in Houston this month and in the Dallas area next month, both featuring Karyn Purvis!  It is 60 dollars for a COUPLE to attend for 2 full days of enrichment! 
That folks is a bargain!

The adoption community needs to pull together and make sure that not one more adopted child is murdered in the name of "discipline".  And even more, the adoption community needs to pull together and "Shout from the Rooftops", that adoption is a WONDERFUL THING... but you MUST BE PREPARED to FACE the MONSTER IN THE MIRROR! Yourself.
And then, you will be ready to be equipped to gently guide your adopted child to healing and wholeness.

Here is a link to the article that fueled this post.  Thank you to Hope Anne for posting it.
Here is a link to Hope Anne's blog.  I like to refer to Hope Anne as the creator of "skirt holding". :)
She is also located on my side bar blog roll.

Understanding The Fear Factor

 I wrote a few days ago about how Sweetie 4 feelt safe in the orphanage and frightened in America.
I wanted to follow up on this because I think there is a valid "questioning" as to why that would be!
How could a seemingly unsafe place without hope and without future seem safer than a loving home WITH a future?

 (This is what sweetie 4's  orphanage looked like, and her town.)

 This is the craft room she remembers so well!

 The village was beautiful!

It is all about perspective, the unknown, and change.

Some children transition from one culture to another or  one home to another quite smoothly, and  with minimal bumps.  They have a clear idea of what is "normal".
Others however have very strong reactions to the change and it terrifies them.  Their "normal" is quite different from what it should be.  Their brains get wired at an early age to cling to chaos. 
So when "normal" comes: a.k.a.- Loving parents, good intentioned parents, structure, etc.
The reaction can be quite strong.  There can be a STRONG fight or flight fear reaction that can come out in many different ways.
For some children, they shut down, become robotic, unconnected and lifeless.  For others, they become combative, angry, violent, aggressive, disrespectful, and more.

BOTH OF THESE are FEAR REACTIONS..... YES FEAR!

And yes, a child can long for the chaos left behind, even though they have a seemingly wonderful situation right in front of them. YES! They can be blind to new parents and promising lives, and be TERRIFIED!

As adoptive parents 2 out of 4 of our girls had this very reaction.  Even though we loved them and were loving to them, their first response was rejection and anger.
(Rejection and Anger are FEAR based responses)

This is the part that is hard for all of us as adoptive parents.  We cannot and MUST not take the reactions personally. 
Even if a child is screaming "I hate you! or "I want to die!"    With limited English in the case of International Adoption, this might be the strongest language a child has to express their grief!

We must understand that they are reacting to the unknown with great fear . Their new normal is actually CHAOS to them!  And they will do anything and everything to recreate what they are used to. 

When I wrote that sweetie 4 had fond memories of her orphanage, I was serious. She really did. She also has fond, healthy memories of her earliest life with her bio parents.
We have worked HARD for her to talk about both...the good and the bad.
And the truth is, there is no experience that is all good, or all bad!

She has memories that are horrific....but she also has memories where she cooked with her mama, or went to visit a relative.  She has memories of playing under the house, and having a little friend; and memories of following her big brother around and going to the small store in their village.

I want her to cling to those memories and hold them in her heart.  The memories that landed her in an orphanage need to be remembered too, but only so she can forgive and learn what NOT to do!

The same goes for any other home she was in.  There are good and bad memories. 
We have encouraged her to keep the good ones and be thankful for them.  Let the bad ones go, forgiving others and forgiving herself.

The trick in taking a child from chaos (fear) to regular life (a place of love and regulation) is in our reactions to their fear.
I say this, and it sounds so simple.  The concept IS simple.  The task of carrying it out is not so simple. :)
That is just true.
It can be VERY HARD!
Why?
Because it requires us to die to ourselves.  It requires us to put our own feelings aside over, and over and over.....
A perfectly great day can occur and then.... SABOTAGE!    The child forgets their shame for part of the day and then something happens in the brain and they remember.... oh yea.... and they begin to act out.
THAT is the time where we need to be on our guard the most!
We can miss a perfect opportunity for healing, if we over react, or react out of fear ourselves!

I remember one time when we had had a WONDERFUL time and then suddenly one of our girls  began to cry and kick the backs of the seats, throwing a huge fit.  "I hated that time!" "I  hated those people!"  and more....

We had been at a cross roads with this child.  She was beginning to turn from chaos to embrace love.
But this day was just too picture perfect and her shame overcame her. 
She didn't feel she deserved such a good day and tried to recreate the day to fit her view of herself.
"Undeserving"..... "not worthy to be loved".... "Problem child"!
I would have called her "Much Afraid".  :(

Both my husband  and I immediately realized what was happening and quietly responded to her screams.
"You deserved to have fun!"  "You are lovely!"  "You are a great kid!"
As we carried her into the house kicking and screaming, we got her to the rocking chair and I repeated all those things to her, quietly.
She began to go from tantrum to sorrow....
Her screams of anger turned to sobs of sorrow.
She wept properly this time, grief pouring from her little heart and we witnessed another piece of her heart healing.

I shudder at what could have happened had we reacted to her tantrum in anger or frustration!  What if we had said, "Stop that right now!"  "You are being terrible!"  "What a bad girl!"  "You are really going to get it when we get home!" "You are going STRAIGHT TO BED!"  and then, we separated from her.... and licked our wounds of pride after her verbal assault?

I honestly KNOW what would have happened, because we HAD reacted that way before with some of those words!
Bitterness would have set in, and the next time would have been worse. We would have reinforced her very thoughts about herself, and solidified in her mind that she deserved to be treated badly.
And yes, she received it as being treated badly. 

Here is a picture of  Sweetie 1 in "time out" before we knew about "time in". :)

This picture still makes me sad. :(


NO deep healing can really take place if we are "punishment" oriented. We need to always move in the direction of healthy relationship!

It is possible that SOME kids might even respond to that type of reaction externally.... but we are looking for INTERNAL healing that shows itself in EXTERNAL and INTERNAL thoughts and behavior!

I do not desire my children to simply obey at my every command.  I want them to obey out of love and desire!  I want them to be motivated by LOVE and proper respect.
But that kind of obedience takes TIME and a whole lot of hard work!

I love the words to the song below.  It is so true for our children who come from hard places!
It is also true for us, if we are open to being changed!



"I Will Change Your Name"

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                     C               D

You shall no longer be called

G        C       D   Bm    C               D

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                C                  D

Your new name shall be

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C      G            D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C       G           D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

Joy and Sorrow

We have had some wonderful days these last two weeks.  Actually longer, but the last two weeks have been very special!

Going to Oklahoma to meet Tatyana and her boyfriend Gibson, and their family, visiting their church, coming home to our Son arriving from MaryLand and now our Daughter in Law and three grandsons....


Joe and Becca



Sam

Truman
Felix

  And then the Fontes family came to visit and will visit again!!! (we are so excited!)
Things have been Hot and Happenin'! :)

All the girlies have taken it in stride and I am so PROUD of all of them.

Today however.......  was a little different.

Today I observed each of my sweet girls taking time to play with nephews.  Miss Alli in particular was just drawn to Felix.  She spent a lot of time with him, and even wanted to hold him while he was sleeping.

At around 6:30, she suddenly rushed to her room in tears, and threw herself on her bed.  She wanted to be alone for a while. 
About an hour later, I came in and sat with her.

Through tears, she spoke about how she didn't know what SHE looked like as a baby. She wondered if she were so loved and cherished as Felix is.

We went to the rocking chair and I told her that we love her just like she is baby Felix. When we snuggle her we see Baby Felix.  And we adore her just like Baby Felix. :)

I explained to her, that it IS sad we don't have baby pictures of her, but we have a video of her at 8 years old and I can just imagine what she looked like as a little girl, and even a baby. :)

The other side of the joy of adoption is grief.  The realization that you are no longer in your birth family, the realization that you may have not been cherished... and that you do not know who held you, loved on you, or adored you... cooed with you, blew air on your sweet belly as you cooed with delight, nursed you, changed you, cuddled you when you had a tummy ache.... is all there in glaring sadness, as you watch your little nephew adored.... and you wonder, what about me? The questions came.... Did somebody do that to me?  Was I loved?

Break. My. Heart.



I was so proud of her as she overcame her deepest sadness and took part in loving her nephews, playing with them all day long!
But when she was finally overcome with grief, we snuggled as she wept, and healed a little bit more. :)

So proud of my sweetie! :)

So proud of all of them!

Adoption Disruption and Thoughts I Can't Express part 4.

I was going to title this: "The Anatomy of Disruption"..... but just decided to label it part 4.
I have written 3 other posts on Adoption Disruption.  Here, Here and Here. And then one more here.And yet another one here..  And then here.     There are more.... but those are the main ones. :)

So, here I go with another disruption post... WHY?  Because I guess I haven't covered all my thoughts on this very difficult topic .

Since I wrote those other posts, we have adopted again from Adoption Dissolution/Disruption.
Miss Alli came home almost  2 1/2 years ago. 
Since that time, we have been through a lot with our sweet girl.  The most recent, was the reuniting with her sister Tatyana.  She has not yet reunited with her brother who is still in the first adoptive home.
Aren't they just beautiful together? :)
Tatyana is now on her own, so we could reunite.

I would like to visit this from the  perspective of the child, and how things unraveled into a huge mess, but with a happy ending.

Let me start with the premise that I believe is most important.  God is in control.  It doesn't matter how I feel, or how I perceive things, He is in control. He chooses to allow things to happen that I do not understand, but I trust Him, that His purposes are always for our good.

I have had  discussions with Alli's older sister and Alli, separately, to gain some perspective for writing this.  Earlier today, for clarification, I asked Tatyana about Alli's behaviors back when she was a little girl in Russia, and then when she came home to America.
Tatyana has emphasized that all Alli's behaviors were typical kid type behaviors.  She didn't feel that anything warranted what happened to her sister.

I asked Alli, "Do you remember how you behaved in Russia compared to America?"  Her answer corroborated her sisters.  She was a typical little girl in a very bad situation. 
She was also picked for her good behavior in the orphanage to go to the store and go on a trip to the Black Sea, and to do something special at Christmas.

In watching the video given to us the the children's interview, Alli was typically nervous being recorded but said she liked Pink, and Barbies.
She was adorable.
What Alli DID say, was that she was very afraid to come to America.  "I didn't want to leave my mommy."
That broke my heart.
Her mommy didn't have custody of her, but she still felt a connection with her.
Of COURSE she did! All kids love their mothers!

But she agreed to come, because she didn't want to lose her brother and sister.
And that is PRECISELY what happened to her!
Her biggest fear, came true. :(

Alli went through a time of shock, having 2 new parents that she couldn't relate to or communicate with, and a new brother who was younger than her. This was not their fault or her fault.
She was forbidden from speaking Russian to her siblings, which was her only form of communication.
And, she lost it.
She cried and had  melt downs.
As time went on, things got more and more out of control. She didn't understand what was being required of her, and didn't get why they were so mad at her.
This was a hard time for all of them. And I am sure many of us could see themselves there.

Please remember that when a child is learning English... they may speak it LONG before they comprehend it!  Misunderstanding RULES!

She was afraid of the family and didn't trust them. They were afraid of her and didn't trust her. She was angry.
Since she felt she could do nothing to please her family, she gave up trying.
She began to talk back and had decided in her mind that she was apart from them.
I can picture the "talking back".... it happend here too!

Things spiraled out of control and she wound up going into respite care where she did quite well.

At the end of her  stay in respite care, she was told it was time for her to go back home. Her statement was "I'd rather die than go back to those people,"  which landed her in  a Unit for evaluation, and then she was disrupted.

She called her home to communicate with her brother and sister, but was told they didn't want anything to do with her.  She was devastated.

A disruption occurred.

Her second adoption didn't go so well either.   And by then, she really just didn't care.
She decided she would rule her own life, and acted out whenever she felt like it.
She had begun to form a habit of unwanted behaviors to hide the pain she was in.

Then came us.....  She wanted to try, she really did, but the fear of failure and self judgment ruled her heart and she was full of shame.
She would try, and then give up, try and then give up.  It was a cycle of shame, sadness, anxiety, and then hope once again. It was HARD for all of us!

As Alli began to help us unravel her past, and opened up more and more to us, her window of trust and tolerance began to open wide, and she began to drop her old bad habits of unwanted behaviors she had clothed herself with.
She began to let go of the grip of fear that consumed her and began to trust once again.
But, as encouraged as we were, we knew we had a long road ahead of us, because when somebody allows themselves to go into reckless abandon behavior wise, it can be easier the next time, and next time, and there is so much disconnect. It becomes a  habit ; and habits are hard to break!

Today, Alli loves and trusts us.  In fact, during our talk, she said that she is glad she came to America, and she is happy that she is home with us.
And she very much feels "At Home!"

I was able to tell her how much I love being her mom. :)

So why am I writing this?  I am writing it because it is so wearying seeing adoptions fail. :(
Adoptive parents NEED to be prepared for the adjustment phase of children coming to America or just into a new family.
The grief process is huge. We need to educate ourselves about what grief looks like and how we can help our children loving them through it, not judging them through it.



PARENTING METHODS MATTER HUGELY!They matter, especially, for a child who comes from a Trauma Background! 
While Alli came from a background of trauma inflicted upon her in Russia, there was even more trauma forced upon her by her previous families and she couldn't handle it.
She went from feeling safe in the orphanage, to being terribly frightened and alone in America.
Feeling safe in an orphanage should say alot about what her home life in Russia,  was like!

Parents, do all you can to educate yourselves on Trauma. LEARN HOW TO PARENT FROM A PLACE OF SAFETY AND LOVE!!!!   STAY AWAY FROM FEAR BASED PARENTING!
And for heaven's sakes, stay AWAY from groups that call themselves "support groups" when they are really more like "misery loves company" groups.

I am so thankful for our sweetie's healing in her heart.  SO THANKFUL! 
But I am also thankful for the process we have all gone through over the last 2 and a half years.  I have learned a LOT! :)

Parents, Never stop learning!   Parenting is an art form that takes practice and effort!  If we cease learning.... we lose, and it can be the difference between a greatly successful bringing of a family together,  a cold existence living under the same roof, but not really being family, or a traumatic disruption that has profound effects on everybody.  :(

This is my last post on disruption.
This post was meant to help folks to see disruption from the Child's perspective.

My daughter is healing. She is awesome and she is strong. She is real!

There is NO DOUBT that there are situations where disruption is necessary.  I do not fault parents who find themselves in sad predicaments and do end adoptions.
My goal is not to fault anybody.  Please do not personalize what I write.
It isn't about you!

My goal is to let adoptive parents know there is HOPE and there is HELP!
BUT..... we must be willing to be introspective and see where we must change.
I have had to change a LOT of things in my life, in the views I once held and more.
It has been a good and LONG journey.

Thoughts and Support Group

Over the last 15 weeks, I had the honor of taking a small group of people through "The Connected Child".
We had such a great time, and several want to do it again!

Over the next few weeks I am going to research a way to do an online class with video, so I can talk and not just type.

Last night, we finished with Chapter 12, which is all about dealing with your own stuff before you can deal with your child's.
I wrote a blog post a while back called "Any Unpacked Bags".<<<linked....and I think this is what chapter 12 was written about.

One thing I love about Karyn Purvis and also Heather Forbes, is that they believe there is no child who is too damaged or too hurt, that God cannot intervene and help them to heal.
I know this to be true. VERY TRUE.

But, at the same time, our children need US to help them heal.  We are instruments that our Heavenly Father uses in the lives of our children.... and we need to be "in tune". :)

Just because you have had your own brokenness or trauma in your life, that does not mean you will not be an excellent parent, but you FIRST must deal with your own pain.

The good news is, you do not have to be like those who hurt you in your past. You can rise above it, and SHINE. :)

Your children CAN flourish!  They CAN heal!

I am so proud of where my Alli is right now.  2 years and 5 months ago, a very broken little girl came to live with us.  We had no preconceived expectations of her.  We didn't know her. 
As we studied her and worked to find delightful things about her, we began to get to know her, and she us. 
We delighted in her sweet laugh and beautiful smile at first.  We delighted that she was artistic and could organize her luggage quite well. We delighted that she was fantastic at playing hide and seek in a small hotel room, and could entertain her new nephew endlessly.  We also delighted that she was willing to try once again to let herself be vulnerable.
That last one was a give and take for a very long time, with her trying and then pulling back to her version of safety.

But today, she is just like any of the other girls.  She was even able to go with a sweet girlfriend to Art Camp this week at the "Biblical Arts Center" in Dallas!    She has also gone swimming and tomorrow, on the last day, she'll tour the museum. 
I am so proud of her!

She helped me to see over the last 2 plus years that I still had some unpacking to do. :)  Unpacking I didn't know I needed, but I did.  And so be it! 
The Lord was at work, working on her heart, and mine!

That special dance that we do with our children, starts with stepping all over each other's toes, but before you know it, you are like gazelles leaping and dancing to the High Places. 

Don't be afraid to unpack your excess baggage.  It is truly freeing!  And as you unpack, your child will be more willing to let go of the things that hold them in bondage.
Don't just dip your toe in the pool of love, and walk around the edges, DIVE IN with reckless abandon! 
Your child WILL follow....
maybe slowly, but they will get there.

If you are interested in joining an online support group class for "The Connected Child", please let me know.  We will be starting sometime in September. 

It Happened!

Oh! My! Words!
This was a weekend to remember! This was a weekend that has been bathed in 2 plus years of prayers!
This was a reuniting of what should have NEVER been divided! 
And we had the honor and privilege to be a part of it.

Many of you know that we adopted Alli because of  disruptions in her adoptions! I made that plural on PURPOSE.... Yes, 2 disruptions!

Alli came home to us 2 years and 5 months ago.  (If you would like to follow her story from the beginning... go back to March 2011 on our blog and go from there....) :)

Sarah and Alli waiting......

Alli has LONGED to be with her sister and brother all this time.  When she first came home she demanded that we go and just knock on the door and say, "I want to see them!" 
I explained that we can't do that..... but we can PRAY for God's perfect timing.  And we did.

This weekend, was God's perfect timing to meet her older sister Tatyana....:)

Her are some video's and pictures of our weekend:

The first meeting:


The Hurricaine!  It was simulated.... at the mall. Only a category1. :)

We met at Uncle Bob's house! Thank you So MUCH Uncle Bob for being a very important part of this. We love Uncle Bob. He is such a great guy!

He even helps fix windshield wiper blades! :)
Let's go to the beginning:

It was a LONG DRIVE!



AND THEN::::

We were all together:

Oh, and there was another problem with the van. Good thing Mike is a mechanic!

There was shopping to be done!

 Uncle Bob to entertain! :)

Precious moments to be had....

 After the church meeting, we met one more time!

 Comparing Hands... they already compared toes... and decided: They are the same! :)

 At Gibson's house!
A fun meal at the Freter's....


Sisters.... Together again!
And They are sisters with New sisters.... and old sisters.... I feel like we have 5 sisters now. :)

One of the final hugs good bye until December. :)

I asked Alli.... "Does God answer our prayers?" She gave a very abundant smile with a great big YES!

When Do Overs Become Natural!

Last week, we started back to school for 2 hours each day, to continue to catch up.  Miss Alli has done well with her schedule! 
Summer time is very much non scheduled around here, but I do see a need for a skeleton schedule just to make things work better!

Something though that I have noticed is how well the girls are using their time.  They are being creative and not being lazy. 

And it seems that this is a time for lessons learned to sink in too.  Just like play helps solidify things learned educationally, it must also be working for things learned emotionally!

I have seen some drastic improvements recently in a certain somebody's attitude when she needs redirection! 
Twice this week, she caught herself with a less than stellar attitude, turned it around herself, and came to get a hug and apologize! 
WOW! This is huge!

So, today when I was on my treadmill, I called her to come to my room.  She came, I'm sure expecting me to give her a new chore to do.... but instead she was praised for doing so well. 
"Sweetie, I want you to know how much I appreciate that you turned your attitude around and apologized! That really means a lot to mama!" 
She was beaming!  I managed to give her a hug while walking 3.7 miles per hour, and didn't fall down! :)
I also overheard her telling one of the sisters, "When you point there are three fingers pointing right back at you!" LOL  Yes, she is listening!

I think her do overs are becoming a very good habit! :)

Peering Over The Edge

In my last post,<---(linked) I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.  Today, I'd like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.  It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.  Please join me. :)

As many who read my blog know, our newest daughter, home 2 years and 2 months, came to us through some very difficult circumstances.  She was full of fear, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and much more when she came into our lives.  We know that the Lord called us to bring our darling home, and and that He also promises to walk with us as we trust Him.  And walk with us He has!


As I write this, my girls are getting ready for Friday Night at the Movies.   They are laughing and cheerful.
This was not the case much of this week.  Instead, chaos came to visit, and tried to stay.  It would have been easy to allow it, or join in by buying into fear, buying into the negativity of trauma, and doubting that healing really does take place. It would have been easy to say, kids with this much trauma can't heal, or obvious FASD issues make healing futile.  Those are lies.


As I have said before in other posts, when somebody takes many steps backwards, they are getting ready to lunge forwards in healing.
But why the downward spiral?  I touched on some of this yesterday, but would like paint a clearer picture. 


I know that our sweetie has seen the "Grand Canyon".  Not the real Grand Canyon, but,  if the Grand Canyon could represent all that is wonderful and right about the world she lives in, and all that will be wonderful and right about her future.... she has peered over the cliff and seen it.

Getting there has been hard work, and that was just the rim.  Getting a glimpse of the canyon, was a fearful experience for her. Why?
The reason is, because even in the world of normal, problems are still there.  Bad things still happen to people, and there are hard things to solve.  We learn to walk through them,  and conquer them.
She chose  to cling to the old familiar.... chaos..
This past week, a perfect storm brewed and came to a head.  As our social worker Kathi put it,

"This sounds like the perfect storm of hope, fear, anger, need, and trauma. It is all that Purvis and Post and Forbes talk about in one huge dose."    And she was right.

It was a huge dose.  But remembering to stay present, stay calm, presenting a united front (tidal wave) of unconditional love brought the Perfect Storm to a halt!   I love the words of Christ in Scripture when he calms the stormy sea, "Peace! Be Still!".

We rested last night, and made some plans to bring our sweetie closer for a little while.  That means, going back to a more therapeutic parenting style, as some of her fears have returned.  The explosions in Texas and the Bombings in Boston had a huge effect on her fear level.  To a child with a trauma background, it can feel like their entire world is collapsing.
The memories of the past rushed in and reared their ugly head and before we knew it, she was a big mass of anger and fear.

Many do not get that an angry child is a fearful child.  If we only dealt with the obvious anger and not the root of what was causing it, it would be like pulling the top of a weed off and expecting it not to come back.

Instead, we addressed the entire problem.  But we had to start from a place of love in ourselves, not fear of the future or what may happen.

It is hard to look past the behaviors into the root cause.  But there is peace there. And in being at peace, we can help our children who are suffering, through a crisis.

Today, our sweetie is doing really well. We have definitely made her world smaller and will continue on that trajectory for the forseeable future, until she feels completely safe once again. She is relaxing in our love for her, and in our conversations, she fully understands that the life she can have, living in a healthy, peaceful way, is attainable!

 It doesn't mean the past never happened, it just means that how you interpret it, and deal with it, comes from a strength within that will turn all things into life lessons to achieve something better.

You don't have to let your past dictate your future. 
And you don't have to let your fears overcome you and rule over you. These are the lessons we learned this week.

We also were reminded in a very practical way, that LOVE NEVER FAILS, and love never gives up. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
I can see her hiking in that Canyon someday, with great confidence. :)

Why The Traumatized Child Clings to Chaos

For the child of trauma, chaos is their normal.  It can be very frightening to find out that your entire life before, was not normal, even if you didn't like it, or were fearful of it.

Obviously, a child will be relieved in some ways to be away from abusive people in their lives, however,  the imprint on their little hearts and brains is not so easily erased. 
Many of them suffer unspeakable nightmares, confused feelings, anger, aggression and more.

As healing begins to take place, it is also outside of their known "comfort zone".  Having to relate to a parent in a healthy way can be a stress trigger. 
Why?  Because it puts them in a place of vulnerability, and they are afraid to trust, ever again.

It is hard work, to switch that world around to where chaos is not comfortable.  The thing is, they don't necessarily like chaos. It causes obvious pain. :(   But it is a place that they are used to.

Imagine if going on vacation was more stressful than an 80 hour work week under a slave boss!
This is what it is like for our kids.  They sometimes feel safer with the trauma.

Working through this over the last several years with our girls has given us an understanding we could never get from a book. :)  When we see our girls headed towards chaos, we know that they are overloaded and instead of doing the obvious (to us) speaking kindly, saying "I'm stressed"..... they might act out with old behaviors.  Or, even go back and dwell on the past, which digs up all sorts of trauma memories. 
They can cling to their old troubles like a toddler holds a favorite blanket. 

We don't want them to find unhealthy comfort in the past, but  comfort  in the now, and in the future!  Comfort is in having loving parents, a good and decent home, healthy relationships and in forgiveness.
But with forgiveness, just like us, they have to face some things in themselves.  It is hard work!  And they can get tired.

Last night, we experienced a set back with Alli.  She was full steam ahead going in the wrong direction!  Anniversary time is here.  Memories have been flooding in, and she continues to worry about her biological brother and sister.  We intercepted her and stayed attuned to her, staying in the present and not falling into fear. She shared her fears with us after a slammed door, refusing to come off of her bed, and some hurtful words and actions,  all in about 15 minutes.... and then we were able to calmly talk, snuggle and reconcile.
Today, she had her toolbox out and was ready to use any tool that would work. :)
Tonight, was even better.  She was able to attend youth group with her sisters with no problem!

I am so thankful for our sweet girl.  She is trying HARD to heal and do what is right.  Sometimes she gets stuck....That is ok. :)
I look forward to the day, and it will come, when she clings to her savior and not old habits.  There will be a day when she no longer clings to chaos when she is stressed, but clings to what is right and positive!
That day will come, I am sure of it.
In the process, I am refined.

(For those of you with children who come from hard backgrounds, keeping a blog or journal is so helpful! (you can keep it private!) You can go back and re read what you wrote and be reminded of things that happened at the very same time the year before!  Many of the memories Alli has been experiencing, she experienced last year at this very same time.  The year before, she couldn't really verbalize..... I find the record keeping very helpful and insightful.)

The Onion

I really like the correlation of the onion in regards to trauma.  The onion has a very thin paper shell layer on the outside that doesn't make your eyes water.  But it is dry and lifeless.

When you get to the next layer, your eyes really don't sting or water,  but that layer has a strong aroma.  The more you cut into your onion, and peel back the layers, the thicker they are and the more pungent.  Your eyes begin to tear up and it is hard to stand there and continue to cut that onion.
You want to turn away..... as it is hard to face.

With trauma, the surface doesn't seem so hard.  And you can function , on a surface level,  not dealing with anything.  But relationships can remain surface. 
And it is OK to stay there and rest.  After all, a runner doesn't learn to run a marathon in a day, a week or even a month.   It takes a long time to build up endurance.
Sometimes the deeper things are too much, and need to be left to rest a while. 

But that time comes when it is time to go back to work and cut some more into that onion.  Coming at it this time with the safety and security of  parents makes a huge difference because parents walk through it with you.  Looking at the scary things and sorting through them with better understanding can keep us from being haunted by the past.

This week with Miss Alli has been very productive in the onion/layer/discovery area. :)
Some things were shared from long ago in Russia that had been haunting her.  It doesn't shock me that she just might have some "issues" with what happened to her little life, and the events afterwards.

It is my prayer that someday, her bio siblings can step in that gap and help her to remember and process the things that occured when she was just 7 years old.  Another person's perspective can shed light on those memories; especially because they were  older than she was, and may remember things from an older child perspective.  Possibly they can fill in the gaps for her.

I don't know about you, but there are very few things I remember from when I was 7, and those things I do remember, I remember with the understanding of a seven year old.  However, traumatic things are catalogued and remembered in our brains as traumas, and working through them is important.
I am so pleased that our sweetie has used some of the tools we have given her to process her loss.
Her journal has proven to be a great asset to her.  Writing letters that may never be delivered, but writing them anyway, and video projects have helped her too.  She  made a a video gift<<<---- Linked for her sweet sister for her birthday in 2012.
She may never get it, but it made Alli feel better to make it.

She loves her bio siblings and misses them terribly.  She worries about them; if they are ok, or if they miss her or are sad or mad at her.  Those are normal feelings. 

Those questions in her heart may  or may not be answered in this lifetime.  I pray that no matter what happens, she will be able to accept her circumstances and remain steady, knowing that God is in control, and HE is enough.

A Picture of BCLC pt 2 "What Happens Next?"

Yesterday, I wrote this post <---- (linked)   about Miss Alli. :)
Today, I want to cover "What Happens Next?"

What happens after there is repentance and calm has come back into the home?  What happens next,  when a child exhibits old behaviors, or  you are in the throws of young child parenting or newly parenting traumatized, older, children?

BCLC or grace based parenting requires two sides of the discipline coin to be successful.  The first side, I wrote about yesterday in the post mentioned above, and have written extensively through out this blog regarding the same things.

The other side of the coin has to do with equipping our children with the tools needed to succeed the next time they feel overwhelmed or upset about something.

One of the leading questions you can ask your child is, "What happened last night when you were so upset? Do you know why you climbed up that tree?"  They may not know! Be prepared for that answer, and accept it as true.
The next step would be to say, "How do you think you can handle it differently next time?" Preparing them,  that in life, there will be disappointments, discouragements, disagreements and more.  Explain in detail  how you are not perfect, and neither are they. We never will be perfect here on this earth, and we will make mistakes.

If they come up with a strategy, that is fantastic! But don't expect them to do this right away if they are new to having to think outside of their comfort zone. 
This gives you opportunity to speak into their heart.  Offer a time when you were young and over reacted to something in your life. This puts you on the same team and reduces their level of shame. (I'll use one from my own childhood)

"I was so angry, so angry!  I went into my closet and hid.  I thought of bad words and then I bit my own hand! "  
"That seems so silly to me now!"
  I shared this with my daughter and she laughed.  "You did that?"
"Yep.  Mama did that!"
"And it didn't help me. All it did was make me feel guilty, because I knew it was wrong!"
"Mama doesn't do that anymore." 
"Would you like some ideas for tools so you don't let yourself get out of control when you are angry?"

And then, you can come up with some ideas together!
Sometimes writing down how you are feeling helps.  For a littler one, drawing a picture.

Maybe coming and sitting by you and squeezing your hand, squeezing a kush ball or singing a song, playing the piano, getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths in rhythm with mom, (Alli likes the breathing one),  playing basket ball, exercising, thinking about a funny joke...and more.....This is the other side of that discipline coin; teaching "self discipline" and "self control".  (all of these are successful self control tools)
For me, as a mama, if I am feeling like I am going to lose control myself, instantly making myself look at how I am feeling and then using humor with my child has diffused more situations than I can count over the years. 
"Wow! Mama said, "Don't be disrespectful, disrespectfully!"  oops! :) 

As our children learn to get those tools out and practice using them, they will get better and better at using them in the heat of the moment, preventing a melt down.
New butterflies emerge from their cocoons when those cocoons look like there is no life in them at all!  


And they soar!

I love hearing success stories... would anybody like to share?

Whacking Through The Weeds OR Not....

I was visiting Sally's Blog "I Take Joy" today, and just loved what she had to say about how grace based parenting is NOT leniency or coddling. (I added the coddling word)

Her post got me to thinking about parenting kids who come from hard places.  Not that I don't think about it all the time.  But I began to focus on  what some think BCLC is, or Grace Based Parenting is.  If you don't understand the concepts, you might think it is spoiling, allowing children to be out of control, smiling as your little princess throws a huge fit, demands, talks back, etc.
(you get the picture)
What a horrifying thought!  It is not at all even close to the truth.

When children come into our lives after living a life completely separate from us, they come with their own set of values, morals, ideas, likes and  dislikes; and those may be quite different from our own!
(that is an understatement) :)
In order to help them root out unwanted behaviors, we need to cultivate the soil.  Gently!

Picture a child's heart as a plot of land for a garden.  But this land has not been cared for at all. There has been no fertilizer, no compost, no weeding of any kind, no careful hoeing, no water..... it has just been left to itself.  Do you know what a garden looks like that is left to itself???
 

It looks kind of like this picture.  Rather wild isn't it?

If you just go in and start whacking down every weed you see, you are going to cause more problems in your garden.  Whacking weeds will only spread them.  The roots will still be there and the seeds of those weeds will fall into more soil and you will have a bigger problem that you started with!

In our Children's lives, if we bring them home and just start whacking at the weeds, (the unwanted, trauma based behaviors) we will only be spreading them.  It might look pretty at first! The weeds are all gone! SEE!

But then, they will start to come up all over the place! Why?
Because we forgot about the root!  The root causes of many behaviors are based in fear and shame.
Trust me, your child wants to get better, they really do!  But sometimes it is just so scary!

Now, if you were a garden, wouldn't you be scared if farmer John came over, big and tall, wearing his hat, gloves and overalls, and just started whacking at you?  Wouldn't that make you want to run and hide?

That is a picture of our children, who come home already frightened and then, all this whacking, chopping and supposed weeding starts to happen....
In reality, the little tender trust shoot that was starting to grow gets chopped down with the hoe of anger, impatience, adult temper fits, demands, and the attitude of "Enough already! When are you going to grow up and face the real world?"

Then answer is, they  need to be cultivated with love, fertilized with kindness, sown with patience,
and watered with abounding grace.

If a child's weeds are just whacked, there will be a naked garden, suffering from lack of nutrition, too afraid to emerge from the soil, lest they be whacked again.


A good gardener knows that gardening takes time.  They are patiently dedicated to having a wonderful garden of blessing with luscious flowers to adore and foods to eat as the reward of their labor.
A really awesome garden takes YEARS to cultivate. It doesn't happen in one season, two or even 4 or 5. 

Working in that soil the nutrients needed is a labor of love. 
Tending those little plants carefully, will lead to an abundant harvest!
Weeding must be carefully done, much like a surgeon must be careful, we must too!

Put the weed whacker away! It doesn't get the right job done!
Get on your knees and pray about what weeds need to be carefully and gently removed from our children's hearts, and pray about how to remove them.
And then, nourish your children's lives with the abundance of grace that flows from a life turned over to Him.
I promise, they will grow! The weeds will try to come back, but you will know how to work with your child to help rid them.
And they will.  Their little heart garden will bear the fruit from your labor of love. :)
Tender trust shoots bloom when they aren't whacked!  They develop deep roots! And when the winds of struggle try to blow them away, uproot them or destroy them, they thrive.

In the process of growing the garden of your child's heart there will be thorns, but don't forget to smell the roses! :)