When We Fail

Last week, Aus asked if I could post on failure.  As in, when we don't handle things perfectly.

I have had my mind of this, for several days, but with many distractions. :)   GOOD distractions!

But  back to thinking about this, it is good to reflect on our  own short comings and failures as parents.

But today, I'd like to reflect on how to rescue a situation when it is going the wrong direction.

I love "do overs" ! "Would you like to try that again?"  "Let's try that one over!"  "How about doing that over with a kind tone in your voice!"  There are a million different ways to suggest a do over....

With my little grandsons last week I simply spoke what I wanted them to say, and they repeated it back automatically.

But sometimes, we as adults need do overs too! 

When you find yourself in the midst of your own personal melt down.... do not despair! It is not too late to try it again!  And your children will not only pay attention, it can be used to a great advantage in their teaching! 

Our kids have a hard enough time understanding family life and what is expected, and I'm sure many times they feel that we do not hold ourselves to the same standards that we have for them!
"Why do you get to eat after dinner and I don't?"
"Why do you get to stay up late and I don't?"
"Why do you get to go to the movies and I don't?"
"Why can you have coffee and I can't?"
and more..... :)

Children coming into our homes as strangers, have to learn how to be children on top of learning how to exist in a family structure!

This can bring friction that can be frustrating for parents.  And sometimes as parents,  with our window of tolerance fully open in the morning time, and after having a long stressful day, find that window closing to a narrower and narrower tolerance are quite capable of our own mini meltdowns!
Our patience runs thin, and then.... bam.... Mr. or Mrs. Ugly pops out and we say something in a harsh tone, or without the patience we normally exhibit!

This can be turned into a teaching time for our kids in the most positive of ways IF we aren't too proud to apologize and admit our own short comings!  If you over react to a situation or lose your cool, be humble!
You can rescue yourself by saying, "Yikes! I think mom needs a do over! Don't you!"
You can infuse humor..... you can be serious and head to the rocking chair, but most of all, it is a time to PURSUE RELATIONSHIP!

Your child may respond negatively and spiral out of control by your own actions, because they are still fragile!  They may not be able to handle our flaws while they are still so vulnerable.
BUT.... if we face our own flaws and admit them to our kids, we can go a long way in teaching our children that relationship is more important to us than anything, and teach them that even with all our flaws and their flaws, relationship is of utmost importance!
This lets them know that when they make mistakes, they need our forgiveness too and they are not going to break if they admit they are wrong! 
They need to do "do overs" too and it isn't that hard! They will learn the difference between humility and humiliation! 
We all need to go to the Lord in prayer, asking for strength and mercy!  When our children see US go to the Lord for strength and ask for help... they will be inclined to do the same.
Being humble goes a long way in teaching our children that we can all make mistakes and still love each other.  And part of being human, includes our imperfections!

There is a part in "The Connected Child" book by Karyn Purvis that mentions how our mistakes can be turned into something good.  The children learn little by little that when we are hurt, or hurt others, that it is possible  repair that relationship and even make it stronger! 
Those little moments are turned into solid teaching time.... but don't make those moments an excuse for our own bad behavior!
There is a difference between getting stressed and just sloppy, or selfish parenting! 
We ALL need to ALWAYS strive to do our best, as unto the Lord, who gives us strength!
"I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!" Phil 4:13.

Understanding The Fear Factor

 I wrote a few days ago about how Sweetie 4 feelt safe in the orphanage and frightened in America.
I wanted to follow up on this because I think there is a valid "questioning" as to why that would be!
How could a seemingly unsafe place without hope and without future seem safer than a loving home WITH a future?

 (This is what sweetie 4's  orphanage looked like, and her town.)

 This is the craft room she remembers so well!

 The village was beautiful!

It is all about perspective, the unknown, and change.

Some children transition from one culture to another or  one home to another quite smoothly, and  with minimal bumps.  They have a clear idea of what is "normal".
Others however have very strong reactions to the change and it terrifies them.  Their "normal" is quite different from what it should be.  Their brains get wired at an early age to cling to chaos. 
So when "normal" comes: a.k.a.- Loving parents, good intentioned parents, structure, etc.
The reaction can be quite strong.  There can be a STRONG fight or flight fear reaction that can come out in many different ways.
For some children, they shut down, become robotic, unconnected and lifeless.  For others, they become combative, angry, violent, aggressive, disrespectful, and more.

BOTH OF THESE are FEAR REACTIONS..... YES FEAR!

And yes, a child can long for the chaos left behind, even though they have a seemingly wonderful situation right in front of them. YES! They can be blind to new parents and promising lives, and be TERRIFIED!

As adoptive parents 2 out of 4 of our girls had this very reaction.  Even though we loved them and were loving to them, their first response was rejection and anger.
(Rejection and Anger are FEAR based responses)

This is the part that is hard for all of us as adoptive parents.  We cannot and MUST not take the reactions personally. 
Even if a child is screaming "I hate you! or "I want to die!"    With limited English in the case of International Adoption, this might be the strongest language a child has to express their grief!

We must understand that they are reacting to the unknown with great fear . Their new normal is actually CHAOS to them!  And they will do anything and everything to recreate what they are used to. 

When I wrote that sweetie 4 had fond memories of her orphanage, I was serious. She really did. She also has fond, healthy memories of her earliest life with her bio parents.
We have worked HARD for her to talk about both...the good and the bad.
And the truth is, there is no experience that is all good, or all bad!

She has memories that are horrific....but she also has memories where she cooked with her mama, or went to visit a relative.  She has memories of playing under the house, and having a little friend; and memories of following her big brother around and going to the small store in their village.

I want her to cling to those memories and hold them in her heart.  The memories that landed her in an orphanage need to be remembered too, but only so she can forgive and learn what NOT to do!

The same goes for any other home she was in.  There are good and bad memories. 
We have encouraged her to keep the good ones and be thankful for them.  Let the bad ones go, forgiving others and forgiving herself.

The trick in taking a child from chaos (fear) to regular life (a place of love and regulation) is in our reactions to their fear.
I say this, and it sounds so simple.  The concept IS simple.  The task of carrying it out is not so simple. :)
That is just true.
It can be VERY HARD!
Why?
Because it requires us to die to ourselves.  It requires us to put our own feelings aside over, and over and over.....
A perfectly great day can occur and then.... SABOTAGE!    The child forgets their shame for part of the day and then something happens in the brain and they remember.... oh yea.... and they begin to act out.
THAT is the time where we need to be on our guard the most!
We can miss a perfect opportunity for healing, if we over react, or react out of fear ourselves!

I remember one time when we had had a WONDERFUL time and then suddenly one of our girls  began to cry and kick the backs of the seats, throwing a huge fit.  "I hated that time!" "I  hated those people!"  and more....

We had been at a cross roads with this child.  She was beginning to turn from chaos to embrace love.
But this day was just too picture perfect and her shame overcame her. 
She didn't feel she deserved such a good day and tried to recreate the day to fit her view of herself.
"Undeserving"..... "not worthy to be loved".... "Problem child"!
I would have called her "Much Afraid".  :(

Both my husband  and I immediately realized what was happening and quietly responded to her screams.
"You deserved to have fun!"  "You are lovely!"  "You are a great kid!"
As we carried her into the house kicking and screaming, we got her to the rocking chair and I repeated all those things to her, quietly.
She began to go from tantrum to sorrow....
Her screams of anger turned to sobs of sorrow.
She wept properly this time, grief pouring from her little heart and we witnessed another piece of her heart healing.

I shudder at what could have happened had we reacted to her tantrum in anger or frustration!  What if we had said, "Stop that right now!"  "You are being terrible!"  "What a bad girl!"  "You are really going to get it when we get home!" "You are going STRAIGHT TO BED!"  and then, we separated from her.... and licked our wounds of pride after her verbal assault?

I honestly KNOW what would have happened, because we HAD reacted that way before with some of those words!
Bitterness would have set in, and the next time would have been worse. We would have reinforced her very thoughts about herself, and solidified in her mind that she deserved to be treated badly.
And yes, she received it as being treated badly. 

Here is a picture of  Sweetie 1 in "time out" before we knew about "time in". :)

This picture still makes me sad. :(


NO deep healing can really take place if we are "punishment" oriented. We need to always move in the direction of healthy relationship!

It is possible that SOME kids might even respond to that type of reaction externally.... but we are looking for INTERNAL healing that shows itself in EXTERNAL and INTERNAL thoughts and behavior!

I do not desire my children to simply obey at my every command.  I want them to obey out of love and desire!  I want them to be motivated by LOVE and proper respect.
But that kind of obedience takes TIME and a whole lot of hard work!

I love the words to the song below.  It is so true for our children who come from hard places!
It is also true for us, if we are open to being changed!



"I Will Change Your Name"

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                     C               D

You shall no longer be called

G        C       D   Bm    C               D

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                C                  D

Your new name shall be

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C      G            D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C       G           D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

Adoption Disruption and Thoughts I Can't Express part 4.

I was going to title this: "The Anatomy of Disruption"..... but just decided to label it part 4.
I have written 3 other posts on Adoption Disruption.  Here, Here and Here. And then one more here.And yet another one here..  And then here.     There are more.... but those are the main ones. :)

So, here I go with another disruption post... WHY?  Because I guess I haven't covered all my thoughts on this very difficult topic .

Since I wrote those other posts, we have adopted again from Adoption Dissolution/Disruption.
Miss Alli came home almost  2 1/2 years ago. 
Since that time, we have been through a lot with our sweet girl.  The most recent, was the reuniting with her sister Tatyana.  She has not yet reunited with her brother who is still in the first adoptive home.
Aren't they just beautiful together? :)
Tatyana is now on her own, so we could reunite.

I would like to visit this from the  perspective of the child, and how things unraveled into a huge mess, but with a happy ending.

Let me start with the premise that I believe is most important.  God is in control.  It doesn't matter how I feel, or how I perceive things, He is in control. He chooses to allow things to happen that I do not understand, but I trust Him, that His purposes are always for our good.

I have had  discussions with Alli's older sister and Alli, separately, to gain some perspective for writing this.  Earlier today, for clarification, I asked Tatyana about Alli's behaviors back when she was a little girl in Russia, and then when she came home to America.
Tatyana has emphasized that all Alli's behaviors were typical kid type behaviors.  She didn't feel that anything warranted what happened to her sister.

I asked Alli, "Do you remember how you behaved in Russia compared to America?"  Her answer corroborated her sisters.  She was a typical little girl in a very bad situation. 
She was also picked for her good behavior in the orphanage to go to the store and go on a trip to the Black Sea, and to do something special at Christmas.

In watching the video given to us the the children's interview, Alli was typically nervous being recorded but said she liked Pink, and Barbies.
She was adorable.
What Alli DID say, was that she was very afraid to come to America.  "I didn't want to leave my mommy."
That broke my heart.
Her mommy didn't have custody of her, but she still felt a connection with her.
Of COURSE she did! All kids love their mothers!

But she agreed to come, because she didn't want to lose her brother and sister.
And that is PRECISELY what happened to her!
Her biggest fear, came true. :(

Alli went through a time of shock, having 2 new parents that she couldn't relate to or communicate with, and a new brother who was younger than her. This was not their fault or her fault.
She was forbidden from speaking Russian to her siblings, which was her only form of communication.
And, she lost it.
She cried and had  melt downs.
As time went on, things got more and more out of control. She didn't understand what was being required of her, and didn't get why they were so mad at her.
This was a hard time for all of them. And I am sure many of us could see themselves there.

Please remember that when a child is learning English... they may speak it LONG before they comprehend it!  Misunderstanding RULES!

She was afraid of the family and didn't trust them. They were afraid of her and didn't trust her. She was angry.
Since she felt she could do nothing to please her family, she gave up trying.
She began to talk back and had decided in her mind that she was apart from them.
I can picture the "talking back".... it happend here too!

Things spiraled out of control and she wound up going into respite care where she did quite well.

At the end of her  stay in respite care, she was told it was time for her to go back home. Her statement was "I'd rather die than go back to those people,"  which landed her in  a Unit for evaluation, and then she was disrupted.

She called her home to communicate with her brother and sister, but was told they didn't want anything to do with her.  She was devastated.

A disruption occurred.

Her second adoption didn't go so well either.   And by then, she really just didn't care.
She decided she would rule her own life, and acted out whenever she felt like it.
She had begun to form a habit of unwanted behaviors to hide the pain she was in.

Then came us.....  She wanted to try, she really did, but the fear of failure and self judgment ruled her heart and she was full of shame.
She would try, and then give up, try and then give up.  It was a cycle of shame, sadness, anxiety, and then hope once again. It was HARD for all of us!

As Alli began to help us unravel her past, and opened up more and more to us, her window of trust and tolerance began to open wide, and she began to drop her old bad habits of unwanted behaviors she had clothed herself with.
She began to let go of the grip of fear that consumed her and began to trust once again.
But, as encouraged as we were, we knew we had a long road ahead of us, because when somebody allows themselves to go into reckless abandon behavior wise, it can be easier the next time, and next time, and there is so much disconnect. It becomes a  habit ; and habits are hard to break!

Today, Alli loves and trusts us.  In fact, during our talk, she said that she is glad she came to America, and she is happy that she is home with us.
And she very much feels "At Home!"

I was able to tell her how much I love being her mom. :)

So why am I writing this?  I am writing it because it is so wearying seeing adoptions fail. :(
Adoptive parents NEED to be prepared for the adjustment phase of children coming to America or just into a new family.
The grief process is huge. We need to educate ourselves about what grief looks like and how we can help our children loving them through it, not judging them through it.



PARENTING METHODS MATTER HUGELY!They matter, especially, for a child who comes from a Trauma Background! 
While Alli came from a background of trauma inflicted upon her in Russia, there was even more trauma forced upon her by her previous families and she couldn't handle it.
She went from feeling safe in the orphanage, to being terribly frightened and alone in America.
Feeling safe in an orphanage should say alot about what her home life in Russia,  was like!

Parents, do all you can to educate yourselves on Trauma. LEARN HOW TO PARENT FROM A PLACE OF SAFETY AND LOVE!!!!   STAY AWAY FROM FEAR BASED PARENTING!
And for heaven's sakes, stay AWAY from groups that call themselves "support groups" when they are really more like "misery loves company" groups.

I am so thankful for our sweetie's healing in her heart.  SO THANKFUL! 
But I am also thankful for the process we have all gone through over the last 2 and a half years.  I have learned a LOT! :)

Parents, Never stop learning!   Parenting is an art form that takes practice and effort!  If we cease learning.... we lose, and it can be the difference between a greatly successful bringing of a family together,  a cold existence living under the same roof, but not really being family, or a traumatic disruption that has profound effects on everybody.  :(

This is my last post on disruption.
This post was meant to help folks to see disruption from the Child's perspective.

My daughter is healing. She is awesome and she is strong. She is real!

There is NO DOUBT that there are situations where disruption is necessary.  I do not fault parents who find themselves in sad predicaments and do end adoptions.
My goal is not to fault anybody.  Please do not personalize what I write.
It isn't about you!

My goal is to let adoptive parents know there is HOPE and there is HELP!
BUT..... we must be willing to be introspective and see where we must change.
I have had to change a LOT of things in my life, in the views I once held and more.
It has been a good and LONG journey.

Thoughts and Support Group

Over the last 15 weeks, I had the honor of taking a small group of people through "The Connected Child".
We had such a great time, and several want to do it again!

Over the next few weeks I am going to research a way to do an online class with video, so I can talk and not just type.

Last night, we finished with Chapter 12, which is all about dealing with your own stuff before you can deal with your child's.
I wrote a blog post a while back called "Any Unpacked Bags".<<<linked....and I think this is what chapter 12 was written about.

One thing I love about Karyn Purvis and also Heather Forbes, is that they believe there is no child who is too damaged or too hurt, that God cannot intervene and help them to heal.
I know this to be true. VERY TRUE.

But, at the same time, our children need US to help them heal.  We are instruments that our Heavenly Father uses in the lives of our children.... and we need to be "in tune". :)

Just because you have had your own brokenness or trauma in your life, that does not mean you will not be an excellent parent, but you FIRST must deal with your own pain.

The good news is, you do not have to be like those who hurt you in your past. You can rise above it, and SHINE. :)

Your children CAN flourish!  They CAN heal!

I am so proud of where my Alli is right now.  2 years and 5 months ago, a very broken little girl came to live with us.  We had no preconceived expectations of her.  We didn't know her. 
As we studied her and worked to find delightful things about her, we began to get to know her, and she us. 
We delighted in her sweet laugh and beautiful smile at first.  We delighted that she was artistic and could organize her luggage quite well. We delighted that she was fantastic at playing hide and seek in a small hotel room, and could entertain her new nephew endlessly.  We also delighted that she was willing to try once again to let herself be vulnerable.
That last one was a give and take for a very long time, with her trying and then pulling back to her version of safety.

But today, she is just like any of the other girls.  She was even able to go with a sweet girlfriend to Art Camp this week at the "Biblical Arts Center" in Dallas!    She has also gone swimming and tomorrow, on the last day, she'll tour the museum. 
I am so proud of her!

She helped me to see over the last 2 plus years that I still had some unpacking to do. :)  Unpacking I didn't know I needed, but I did.  And so be it! 
The Lord was at work, working on her heart, and mine!

That special dance that we do with our children, starts with stepping all over each other's toes, but before you know it, you are like gazelles leaping and dancing to the High Places. 

Don't be afraid to unpack your excess baggage.  It is truly freeing!  And as you unpack, your child will be more willing to let go of the things that hold them in bondage.
Don't just dip your toe in the pool of love, and walk around the edges, DIVE IN with reckless abandon! 
Your child WILL follow....
maybe slowly, but they will get there.

If you are interested in joining an online support group class for "The Connected Child", please let me know.  We will be starting sometime in September. 

The Freezer Saga

                                     (All that was left was the rice and a brisket still on ice)

 Miss Alli wanted to make a pizza the other night. She had taken it out of the outside freezer and brought it in to ask.  I told her it was too late and she needed to put it back, and she could have a snack.
She did put it back.
BUT.... she didn't get the freezer closed all the way.
The result was rather disastrous.  All ice cream and popsicles that I had just purchased, were ruined. 
Pork roast, chicken, tenderloin, brisket, all thawed! and it was a slushy mess!

My first reaction when I saw the mess the next afternoon was, "Who left the freezer door open?" 
Then, I realized who had been in it the night before.....
So, I said, "Alli, last night when you put the pizza back in the freezer, the door didn't get shut and I want you to come with me and see the result."
She did.  And hung her head down.... "Mama, I am so sorry!"

If we step back about 8 years..... I seem to remember 2 little girls named Anna and Sarah who learned how to turn the freezer off!  They were playing and turned the knob.  Right before we were ready to leave for a church meeting I noticed liquid coming out of the freezer.  I thought it had broken.  We had a lot of frozen meat and veges, so Mike sent me to Home Depot to buy another one, so the food wouldn't be ruined.   We transferred everything to the new one, and then the next day, he looked at the old one and saw that ...... the little girlies had turned the other one OFF! :/
I asked them, (both were 6 years old)  "Did anybody turn that knob?" It was a knob I didn't even know existed!  And 2 sweeties said, "I did!" :)
"Let's not turn knobs like that anymore, ok?"  OK!
Mercy.... :)

Back to present day.....

I said to Miss Alli..... "Let's clean up the mess, and get the meat into the fridge." "We'll have a smoking party tomorrow!" and you can help me!"

She was still very ashamed. 
Was she irresponsible.... maybe.... maybe not.  Would it do any good to get mad?  No. What's done is done.
Would it help to ground her or punish her to make her remember to shut the door next time? 
No.... that would just bring more shame.

Instead, Mike and I talked and we decided to start using the LOCK on the freezer. You know that weird key you never use? We have had it on a hook for years.
So today, we locked the freezer.  Then we called our sweet Alli over and told her.... "This key goes to the freezer. This is how it is used.  If mama needs something from the freezer, it will by your job to get it by unlocking the freezer, getting it out and then locking the freezer back up." 
Do you think you can do that? "
She was beaming.... "YES!"

And so far.... so good! :)

(I did go ahead and get more ice cream and popsicles..... because I really wanted one. :) It is HOT!

Giving her that responsibility is good for her.... and I know she is going to take it seriously. 
In the mean time, she did a good job getting the freezer nice and clean.... AND we had a delicious pork tenderloin tonight for dinner. :)

When Do Overs Become Natural!

Last week, we started back to school for 2 hours each day, to continue to catch up.  Miss Alli has done well with her schedule! 
Summer time is very much non scheduled around here, but I do see a need for a skeleton schedule just to make things work better!

Something though that I have noticed is how well the girls are using their time.  They are being creative and not being lazy. 

And it seems that this is a time for lessons learned to sink in too.  Just like play helps solidify things learned educationally, it must also be working for things learned emotionally!

I have seen some drastic improvements recently in a certain somebody's attitude when she needs redirection! 
Twice this week, she caught herself with a less than stellar attitude, turned it around herself, and came to get a hug and apologize! 
WOW! This is huge!

So, today when I was on my treadmill, I called her to come to my room.  She came, I'm sure expecting me to give her a new chore to do.... but instead she was praised for doing so well. 
"Sweetie, I want you to know how much I appreciate that you turned your attitude around and apologized! That really means a lot to mama!" 
She was beaming!  I managed to give her a hug while walking 3.7 miles per hour, and didn't fall down! :)
I also overheard her telling one of the sisters, "When you point there are three fingers pointing right back at you!" LOL  Yes, she is listening!

I think her do overs are becoming a very good habit! :)

WHY LOVE? WHY THE PATH OF FORGIVENESS?

Because, it leads to peace and joy!

Do you ever struggle with loving another?  What about difficult people? Do you struggle to love unconditionally?

If your answer is no, I'd like to meet you in person and shake your hand! :)

One of our sweeties was struggling with attitude.
We began to share with her  that all of our problems, no matter why, no matter what, no matter our past, no matter our present, no matter....... are quite manageable, when we are living our lives according to the gospel. 

It is a good thing for all of us  to look at ourselves and see why the struggle exists!  Are we being stubborn? Are we grieving?  Are we wanting control?  Are we allowing bitterness in our hearts?
Anger?  Hatred? 
Why do we want to "cling" to these, like well worn prizes?
Simple life, is sooo much easier, and HAPPIER!
And it just isn't that hard! 

Life is also the tablet  on which lessons are learned!  God uses our regular life circumstances to help us grow!  His word is our textbook.  Got problems?  The WORD has answers. :)

If somebody bothers you.... FORGIVE!  Why? Because you have been forgiven much!
If somebody has hurt you....FORGIVE!  Why?  Because you have been forgiven much!

We must live our lives according to mercy and grace. That means, showing mercy and grace to others, even in their imperfections, because we too are imperfect, and God has shown mercy and grace to us!

It is in our nature to try to "earn" love.  But God's love cannot be earned.  Unconditional Love cannot be earned! There is no way to "earn" it.  It is given without condition!  It is given with great cost!
That kind of Love changes us.

That kind of love will take the focus off of "us" and put it on what is best for another.  And guess what?
When we take the life lens and focus it on others, our eyes are removed from our own problems, and we begin to think about others first!  If everybody puts others first, the result is a gospel centered life, that drips with the unconditional love of Christ.   1Peter 4:8 says, "Above All, Love deeply, because LOVE covers a multitude of sins!"

Do you want to have joy?  LOVE.  Do you want to be satisfied?  LOVE. 

In the same way, that our response to the gospel of Christ, is to love the one who loved us first, walking in obedience to Him ; when we unconditionally love our children, eventually their response will be to walk in obedience.  They will obey out of LOVE, not fear. 
When we parent them according to love, they will know that they know that they know, we are on their side.  They will know that we are for them and not against them. 
It is a picture of the Gospel!

Scripture says that when we hated God, He loved us. 
He doesn't love us, because we love Him.  He loved us already! 

Oh to have the mind of Christ for our children.  If we want to teach them about love, we must live it, in reality, day in and day out....
And our children will respond.

But just as we, as Christians, can struggle with doing the wrong thing, and battle against sin, so our sweeties can struggle in the very same way.  Sometimes we can forget who we are!  Sometimes we can feel overtaken!   In Romans 7  Paul describes himself in this very way!  "I do the things I don't want to do and I don't do the things I want to do!"  "Wretched man that I am, who can deliver me from this body of death?"
And that next verse:  25 says, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

We all struggle!   But God is in the business of changing us one little step at a time!  And that change is real and it is permanent!
We are not stagnant!  Discovering the gospel is NOT the end, it is just the beginning!

Just as Christ leads us to the waters of life through the Spirit and the Word, we can lead our children back to that place of love and safety. 

I know our sweetie truly does not like her sin. None of our sweeties do... and neither do we! She truly wants change, and I am so thankful for that!
So when she becomes overwhelmed, it isn't time for us to pull out the judgment tool. It is time for us to love her, pray for her, teach her and guide her gently away from the shifting sands of uncertainty and back onto the solid rock of Love; guiding her  once again, to grasp the Hand of her Savior, and help her to realize, He has been holding her hand the whole time.

In Christ alone, our hope is found!  He is our life, our strength, our hope, our joy!

This is much of what we had talked about this week.  And then, our sweet Pastor Justin hit a home run sermon this morning and solidified everything we had been talking about.  We are so spoiled to have such incredible teaching each week.

If you want to be truly blessed.... Listen to this sermon on the Gospel. :)
http://www.cornerstonewylie.org/multimedia-archive/the-gospel-in-life-1-corinthians-151-4/

Insights I Have Gained- Higher Ground

We have a fairly large family.  I have been a parent for 34 1/2 years; yet I never stop learning.  It is actually fulfilling to learn new insights and understandings about parenting.

When you are parenting children who have special needs, it is an entirely new learning experience.
We have children with physical special needs, and emotional special needs.

I remember very clearly one day when I was trying to get my son ready for school, and we were in a rush, I could not get his shoes on his feet for the life of me!  He was so stiff, and his feet would just not go in!
The next day, we were up quite early, no stress, no rush, and his shoes went on quite easily.
I learned something!  When I was rushing, it made him tense.... and it affected his ability to relax his feet!
I had to change! "I" had to change so that he was not stressed, and we had success!

I also learned from my son that sometimes, he would forget every single thing he had ever learned in his life for school!  He couldn't do math. He couldn't read.  He would forget it all!  It had to do with brain damage, but it also had to do with my reaction to his brain damage.
His brain was trying to locate files, and my reaction would make his brain even worse.
"You can't possibly forget everything!" "Can you?"
It would take 2 or 3 days for him to start to remember.
But I found out, if we did art work, or go for a nature drive, he would start to remember again by the same afternoon!
Stress, or lack of it, made all the difference in the world!!!!

Fast forward to the present day. :)

May,  was a very stressful month for Alli. She has had so many memories this month... SO MANY!
But we learned so very much this month, together!

We learned that God does not remove your problems.  He walks you through them. He is with you;
but problems don't go away,magically.
We learned that our past and our present are a part of us.  Our past history is a part of us, and it will be with us forever! But it doesn't define us. It does not dictate who we will become!
We can be overcomers in Christ,  no matter what our past has been!

Something that I have contemplated this past month was in the scripture.  In Ephesians chapter 5, scripture tells Husbands to love their wives, and wives to respect husbands, as unto the Lord, or "in the Lord."
In Ephesians  6:1- it says, "Children obey your parents, in the Lord" ......
I have been meditating on these verses and going over in my head sermons in the past.

Much is directed at husbands and wives.  A husband is not to try to "force" his wife to submit, just like a wife cannot "force" her husband to love her.  But I have never heard a sermon about how we cannot really "force" a child to obey!
Just like husbands and wives cooperate with each other out of dedicated relationship, children obey out of relationship.  Building a strong relationship based in love,  is key to responsible obedience.

Of course we must disciple our children towards obedience, and we must work hard to guide them and teach them. But we do this in context of relationship, and give room for them to grow.
What I have found, is that obedience, true obedience, is a direct responsibility on their part before Lord!

Ultimately, it is their responsibility!  And too much interference will keep them from stepping up to the plate to take that responsibility.

Handing that responsibility over to them, I have found makes for a lot less stress!  In the same way that our young son, relaxed when we were not in a hurry, our sweetie was less stressed when she took on the responsibility of obedience.

When I am talking about obedience, I am not talking about  a "slave-master" type of relationship. (just to clarify)
Every family is different.  I see "Obedience" as a way of life, not a list of rules to follow.  And it is not "blind" etiher.  There is purpose behind what we do as a family, and what we do not do as a family.

I used several analogies with her, including "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force them to drink!"  :)  "You are responsible before God for your behavior." "You can choose healthy responsibilty, or you can choose foolisheness.

Something clicked... and the incredible turnaround from the beginning of the month to the end was transforming... It was one of those 5 steps back, 20 steps forward kind of things. :)

This has been such a busy month I cannot describe it all.  And honestly, I don't think I'm wording it very well here. I have tried to start this blog post several times!

All I know is that our sweetie learned this month that,  even though problems from our past come up now and then, and we feel badly about them, we are still responsible to be civil and kind.  It isn't up to mom and dad to make us be kind. We must do that on our own!
Because eventually, in life, nobody is going to really care that many years ago, xy or z happened to you.  They will expect you to do a job, and be on time!  They will expect you to be respectful!

It has been a long time coming, but  I think she finally gets it! :)
And I have learned a few new things in the process. :)  Always learning and loving truth!
We have moved to higher ground. :)


I just love being her mom.

Angry Episodes and Impulse Control Issues

Fatcat asked a couple of good questions, that I would like to answer if I can.

She asked,  "How do you coach a child through an angry episode?"  And, "How do you deal with impulse control issues."

For both of those.... "VERY CAREFULLY!"

When a child is angry and has impulse control issues, things can become quite volatile quickly!

The best thing you can do is have a tool box ready for you and for your child that has ample tools to choose from! 
The tool box has been the best thing we have ever used and we have been using it for nearly 10 years when our first daughter came home.

The key is teaching them to use tools when they are calm to prepare them for when they become dysregulated.

One of Alli's favorites is the "magic mustache", and "deep breathing with mom".  With the magic mustache, you press between your upper lip and nose and it has a calming effect on the brain.  Deep breathing can put you in rhythm together and gets extra oxygen to the brain to help a person calm down. 

We had a bit of an interesting week over here with the perfect storm happening that I blogged about several days ago.  Things have calmed, but it was not an easy time for any of us. 
Children from Trauma backgrounds can get stuck, or in a rut, and sometimes it is hard to help them out of that place. 
If we don't carefully differentiate between focusing on behavior, vs. helping a child through a crisis, it can be nearly impossible to help our children out of dysregulation.  It is easy to forget this. It is also costly. A child as well as a parent can get stuck in what is called, "A negative feedback loop".  Negativity feeding off of itself will not bring about regulation, ever.

I learned a few things in the last 2 weeks, that I would like to share. 
Communication problems become even more complex when a child is dysregulated.  If English is not a first language and communication seems ok when regulated, this will not be the case when they are dysregulated. All complex thinking goes out the window!  Even for children who are native English speakers, dysregulation causes a shut down when using words to communicate.

Last week, Alli said,  "All I'm hearing is blah, blah, blah!" 
While disrespectful, there was a message in there for me to pay attention to....
And I didn't. 
Instead, I focused on the disrespect, (which DOES need to be dealt with in the right time)  but I focused on it, using more words! Duh
I was focusing on the behavior and not the child.  This is the hardest concept of all, in my opinion to understand.  If we zero in on the behavior, we are looking at a "symptom" and not a "root".
Our kids know that they have struggles.  They understand that they are out of line.  They really don't need us to point that out to them. 
Many times they are so filled with shame,  having somebody point out an obvious wrong, tips the already full, bucket over.

So the dysregulated child who already told me I was using too many words,  shut down!
It wasn't until my sweet husband said, "You are talking too much."  "Keep it simple."
He was right. 
I was being kind, I was being gentle, and I was talking too much which was causing her more frustration. I was also focusing on a behavior and not what was behind the behavior.

I love it that Mike and I can be a team together.  Sometimes he can point out the obvious that I don't see, being in the moment all the time.
I needed a fresh perspective, and my dear husband was able to provide that for me.

I was reminded of this scene for Amadeus:
Instead of "Too Many Notes", it was "Too many words!" :)

Rubbing a person's back and simply being present, is helpful. Waiting for a child to calm themselves and then just sitting with them can help them be calm faster.

There is always time to talk when you are not "in the moment". 

Our youngest daughter does have impulse control issues when she is dysregulated.  It takes time to work through them. She has been home just 2 years, but has made great strides in this area. 
When I see her headed to dysregulation, getting her focused on art work seems to be the most calming for her, or just being present.   But being present does not necessarily mean holding or touching.  Just being in the same room.  I have learned to read her body language pretty well and can tell when she is ready to snuggle and when she isn't.

I remember in training with Heather Forbes and  Eric Guy, they talked about a situation where a young man was being restrained by about 6 people in a psychiatric Unit.  Eric was there to see him.
He requested that everybody leave the room and allow him to try something different.

He went into a room where a young man was totally out of control, sat down, but didn't make eye contact.  The young man stopped, came and sat down near him, and when Eric asked a simple question like, "How are you doing?"  The young man broke into tears and calmed down.

His point was, it doesn't need to  take 5 people to tackle somebody and force them into compliance.
If a situation escalates into restraining or force, we have gotten off of the boat somewhere and are dealing with more than just the other person's issue. 

Those words have resonated with me for the last 4 years since I took that training course.  I wish I would have remembered them last week! LOL

There is a lot of talk about "Mandela's" right now.  I don't have a clue why they are called "Mandelas", but saw a picture of one, and found that the art books we have are very similar to those.   They are complicated designs that the girls enjoy coloring. 
One book  I have is called "Images: The Ultimate Coloring Experience" by Roger Burrows.  We have several complicated coloring books, not meant for small children.  I really like Burrow's book though.
I need to get more. :)

Just like us, our kids will never stop learning. And I find this to be very encouraging.  Oh how I wish trauma didn't exist.  But it does, and it is real.  Those of us with children from hard places, live such different lives and realities from typical families. 
I have been a mother in both situations, raising 4 boys and now 4 girls. 

Trauma doesn't go away. It does color a person's perception of reality. 
Helping them understand ways to cope and move through a stress is a challenge, but so very rewarding when we see them succeed! 
Gently, carefully, with great compassion and precision, like a surgeon of the heart, describes the kind of parenting our kids need.

As the children grow and learn, trauma becomes less and less of a trigger, and life skills take over. It is the time in between that can be so hard on parents.

It is important to do our best to take care of ourselves, so we can take care of our children.

I am so thankful for all of the things we have learned through parenting our kids.    I am thankful that our sweetie is back to regulation and love.  She never ceases to amaze me. I have no doubt in my mind that she is going to do wonderful things when she grows up. 

And then..... I tripped and broke my camera.
dang.

Peering Over The Edge

In my last post,<---(linked) I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.  Today, I'd like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.  It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.  Please join me. :)

As many who read my blog know, our newest daughter, home 2 years and 2 months, came to us through some very difficult circumstances.  She was full of fear, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and much more when she came into our lives.  We know that the Lord called us to bring our darling home, and and that He also promises to walk with us as we trust Him.  And walk with us He has!


As I write this, my girls are getting ready for Friday Night at the Movies.   They are laughing and cheerful.
This was not the case much of this week.  Instead, chaos came to visit, and tried to stay.  It would have been easy to allow it, or join in by buying into fear, buying into the negativity of trauma, and doubting that healing really does take place. It would have been easy to say, kids with this much trauma can't heal, or obvious FASD issues make healing futile.  Those are lies.


As I have said before in other posts, when somebody takes many steps backwards, they are getting ready to lunge forwards in healing.
But why the downward spiral?  I touched on some of this yesterday, but would like paint a clearer picture. 


I know that our sweetie has seen the "Grand Canyon".  Not the real Grand Canyon, but,  if the Grand Canyon could represent all that is wonderful and right about the world she lives in, and all that will be wonderful and right about her future.... she has peered over the cliff and seen it.

Getting there has been hard work, and that was just the rim.  Getting a glimpse of the canyon, was a fearful experience for her. Why?
The reason is, because even in the world of normal, problems are still there.  Bad things still happen to people, and there are hard things to solve.  We learn to walk through them,  and conquer them.
She chose  to cling to the old familiar.... chaos..
This past week, a perfect storm brewed and came to a head.  As our social worker Kathi put it,

"This sounds like the perfect storm of hope, fear, anger, need, and trauma. It is all that Purvis and Post and Forbes talk about in one huge dose."    And she was right.

It was a huge dose.  But remembering to stay present, stay calm, presenting a united front (tidal wave) of unconditional love brought the Perfect Storm to a halt!   I love the words of Christ in Scripture when he calms the stormy sea, "Peace! Be Still!".

We rested last night, and made some plans to bring our sweetie closer for a little while.  That means, going back to a more therapeutic parenting style, as some of her fears have returned.  The explosions in Texas and the Bombings in Boston had a huge effect on her fear level.  To a child with a trauma background, it can feel like their entire world is collapsing.
The memories of the past rushed in and reared their ugly head and before we knew it, she was a big mass of anger and fear.

Many do not get that an angry child is a fearful child.  If we only dealt with the obvious anger and not the root of what was causing it, it would be like pulling the top of a weed off and expecting it not to come back.

Instead, we addressed the entire problem.  But we had to start from a place of love in ourselves, not fear of the future or what may happen.

It is hard to look past the behaviors into the root cause.  But there is peace there. And in being at peace, we can help our children who are suffering, through a crisis.

Today, our sweetie is doing really well. We have definitely made her world smaller and will continue on that trajectory for the forseeable future, until she feels completely safe once again. She is relaxing in our love for her, and in our conversations, she fully understands that the life she can have, living in a healthy, peaceful way, is attainable!

 It doesn't mean the past never happened, it just means that how you interpret it, and deal with it, comes from a strength within that will turn all things into life lessons to achieve something better.

You don't have to let your past dictate your future. 
And you don't have to let your fears overcome you and rule over you. These are the lessons we learned this week.

We also were reminded in a very practical way, that LOVE NEVER FAILS, and love never gives up. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
I can see her hiking in that Canyon someday, with great confidence. :)

Change Of Scenery

From This
To This.

I wrote a post <--- link last year about how we implemented a change of scenery to bring about healing and peace. 
In the webinar I hosted last night, the issue of "Changing Scenery" came up, and I wanted to  expand on that concept to bring about better understanding.

When a child gets stuck in a negative behavior or as BCLC calls it, a "negative feedback loop",  the point is that they are truly STUCK.  They do not know how to stop, or how to change the direction they are going.
That is where we parents come in.  We have to guide them to a place of felt safety so they can let go.
Many children who are "stuck" suffer from PTSD and truly "feel" threatened when they act out.
This could be on a conscious level or a sub conscious level. 

Changing the scenery is NOT a logical linear act.  For us, it may seem is,  illogical.
Because bad behavior in our minds = consequences.  "You do this, I do that."  It is a tit for tat scenario.  So just "deal with it"..... "If you don't want consequences, don't act out!"

We can find ourselves becoming drill sargeants passing out consequences in a continuous flow and suddenly we become combatant enemies. 

If you don't want this, I know I don't, then how can we bring about permanent change?  
                                                 Get out of the loop! 
     So, how do you do that?  You change the scenery.  When I say "change the scenery"  I am not talking about taking somebody shopping and buying them gifts to make them stop yelling at you.
That is called bribery!   That is what you see in the grocery store when a child is screaming at the top of their lungs and the parent opens the crackers or chips the child is demanding and gives it to them to make them stop.  This is not only bad for the child, it is also modeling stealing, because those chips have not been payed for!

Changing scenery has a purpose.   The purpose is to get the person who is stuck, out of stuck mode.
Just like a car that is stuck in the mud and needs a tow truck to pull them to safety, our children need us to pull them into safety.

Rocking, walking, going to a park to breathe in the fresh air and smell the flowers, can breathe new life into a very weary child and a very strained relationship. 
If this action takes them from a place of rage to a place of safety and love, you have begun the first steps towards healing.

Even with a child who says, "I don't care!" as they hurl words of pain towards you.   Your response to  them, putting yourself aside, and getting them out of that loop will bring them to a place of caring.

So I ask, if a child is raging for hours, and you have a tool to use to bring calm back into their life, why not use it?  Is it rewarding bad behavior to take a walk?  I don't think so. 
When we think this way it is because we are not looking at the whole child and only focusing in on the negative behavior.   The behavior is there for a reason.  The child is dysregulated.  To participate with them in a regulating activity can bring them to a place where their brain can function well and when they are ready, give you opportunity to lead and guide them. You can do this through  role play, offering new tools to help them keep from going into full meltdown,  and reassuring them you are on the same side. 
Consequences that are not natural, do not connect with the illogical mind or even with the logical mind.  
A child will not be able to connect, "Because you didn't do your homework, you have to go to bed 15 minutes early.  Or, "Because you were snotty to mom, you lose your video games for the day."
These types of consequences don't really teach and lead to understanding and improvement. For the dysregulated child, they can actually cause the child to spiral further out of control.  They may feel that they are being singled or mistreated.

Relationship is of utmost importance.  Building relationship through natural consequences can lead to a stronger relationship.   If you child didn't finish homework, the natural consequence is a bad grade.
You can offer compassion to them, and then say, "You know, I just bet you can do better next time!"
"I know you don't want a bad grade!"  "Maybe we can study together tonight."  And suddenly, homework is no longer a battle, but driven by the child's desire to do well.

If a child talks back or uses snotty talk, of course it must be addressed.  But for a child who is stuck,  how you address it is so very important. 

We have used the "change the scenery" tool now and then. It is not something we have had to do often, and I want to emphasize that behaviors do change.  Healing does take place and you will not be in a mode of constant meltdowns and upheavel forever.  
Things will get much better as relationship solidifies.
Also remember that grief can come in waves, and sometimes old behaviors can return briefly.
It is then we can get caught off guard and not do what is best.

A little about our own words:

"Good for you! You calmed right down!"  "Thank you for rocking with me. I love it when we rock together."  "Why would you act like that?"  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
As you learn about your child's struggles, remember that your words of encouragement go a long way in helping them to healing.  Words of discouragement can cause them to remain, stuck.

Hamsters and Healing

I wrote about 2 weeks ago that Miss Alli was all upset about hamsters.  It was one of those times where she got very dysregulated when she was told no to having a hamster in the house. 
She has wanted a hamster for a while, but her upset 2 weeks ago was not really about hamsters.
You can read that post here. <----and then here.<----

I have nothing against hamsters, nor does Mike, but we didn't feel she was ready to care for one inside, AND.... her behaviors were also showing us that something else was going on.

One thing that we have always done is keep short accounts.<---  That means, we do not linger on or choose to remember all the wrongs a child does in the moment.  I'm glad that God forgives us and He too keeps short accounts. :)  When we are forgiven, he does not throw our sin back into our face!

Miss Alli apologized 2 weeks ago for her behaviors, and did not expect to get a hamster.  But daddy asked her, "Alli, why do you want a hamster?"  She told him all the reasons why, and he once again, let her know he did not believe she was ready for one inside the house. 
What he did ask her to do was to write a few paragraphs on "Russian Hamsters" and why she wants one. 
She did exactly that, and with much effort!   She learned all about caring for them, what they eat, what temperatures they can tolerate and more.

Yesterday, after church, Mike said to her, would you like to go with me to the store?  They came back with supplies to build a hamster cage that is well made, together!  I was pleased in my heart just watching the two of them work all afternoon on a very cool outdoor cage.

They are not quite finished. The door needs to have hinges put on and she needs to get a wheel.
She is being very patient.  No begging, no demanding.  But oh so excited that a Russian Hamster will be joining the family.  She will be paying for the hamster, food and supplies.  Papa provided for the cage and made sure it will be cat proof. :)

This was a very good lesson for her!  Two weeks ago was so different from this past week. 
We are rejoicing in her success. :)

(I didn't get pictures of them making the cage together. :/  But they worked so well together I was just enjoying watching now and then from the window.  From beginning to clean up, it was a joy to see.)

Keeping Short Accounts

Have you ever heard the saying, "Keep Short Accounts"?

Many times it is used in reference to marriage.  Don't hold grudges or keep lists of the wrongs or seeming wrongs your spouse has committed towards you.

It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma backgrounds. 
Children from tough backgrounds many times come with a tough exterior due to such personal trauma and pain, it is unimaginable.  They are very frightened of being hurt again, but that fear does not look like fear to us. It looks more like defiance and anger.  It may even be defiance and anger, but we must remember that it is rooted in fear.

When we feel vulnerable ourselves, sometimes we can lose our focus and fall into a mindset that can be very destructive.  We choose to remember in  our hearts  how hurt we are, how we have been wronged, how the words spoken to us in anger pierced us or crushed our feelings , and then, we fall into the trap of unforgiveness, bitterness and keeping records of wrongs.

What happens next?  Fear begins to set in and we begin to parent according to our own fears instead of parenting from a place of love.
Fear tells us that our children will not heal.
Fear tells us that they will not make it in the real world.
Fear tells us that when they are older, they won't go to college, grow up, become productive adults and more.

Those records, written on our hearts come to us when our child acts out, and we catalogue the charges against our children deep within our souls.
This cannot be!

Not only is it unhealthy and destructive to relationship.  It is unbiblical!

In First Corinthians 13:1-7

1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 
Did you see that is scripture?  I underlined it.... remember it! Notice it says "every circumstance"?
That means every!

If we find ourselves keeping records in our hearts, we are not responding to our children from a place of love, but actually from a place of self protection and selfishness. (fear)

These are hard words to hear.  I have to tell them to myself too. :) 

If we don't give our children a fresh start, or clean slate emotionally, or allow them to try again, when they have failed, we will be holding them back.  If we have them blackmailed emotionally, knowing that we are holding past behaviors over their heads to be brought out at our choice moment, we will not be pursuing to create relationship but to destroy it. It may be unintentional, but the result will be destruction and continued disintegration of the relationship.
And it is so easy to fall into that trap. 

 Just like the best intentions to have a great marriage can fail, the best intentions to have a great parent child relationship can fail. 
The good news is:  Just like you can be the change to bring a marriage together from failure, you can also be the change to bring a parent child relationship together successfully.

We need to practice rejoicing when our children do well, and look at them as God looks at them and us.
When we sin, God sees us through Jesus Christ.  He sees us as forgiven. He sees us as sons.
God does not hold our sins up before us over and over.... there is an accuser that does that.  Let's represent Christ to our kids,  not the accuser!
In the case of a child who is not in faith;  just as God pursued us with intense love, to the point, he sent His son,  we need to pursue our children with that  kind of love.  Entrust them to the Lord, pray for them,  love them!  Seek relationship! 

A Picture of BCLC pt 2 "What Happens Next?"

Yesterday, I wrote this post <---- (linked)   about Miss Alli. :)
Today, I want to cover "What Happens Next?"

What happens after there is repentance and calm has come back into the home?  What happens next,  when a child exhibits old behaviors, or  you are in the throws of young child parenting or newly parenting traumatized, older, children?

BCLC or grace based parenting requires two sides of the discipline coin to be successful.  The first side, I wrote about yesterday in the post mentioned above, and have written extensively through out this blog regarding the same things.

The other side of the coin has to do with equipping our children with the tools needed to succeed the next time they feel overwhelmed or upset about something.

One of the leading questions you can ask your child is, "What happened last night when you were so upset? Do you know why you climbed up that tree?"  They may not know! Be prepared for that answer, and accept it as true.
The next step would be to say, "How do you think you can handle it differently next time?" Preparing them,  that in life, there will be disappointments, discouragements, disagreements and more.  Explain in detail  how you are not perfect, and neither are they. We never will be perfect here on this earth, and we will make mistakes.

If they come up with a strategy, that is fantastic! But don't expect them to do this right away if they are new to having to think outside of their comfort zone. 
This gives you opportunity to speak into their heart.  Offer a time when you were young and over reacted to something in your life. This puts you on the same team and reduces their level of shame. (I'll use one from my own childhood)

"I was so angry, so angry!  I went into my closet and hid.  I thought of bad words and then I bit my own hand! "  
"That seems so silly to me now!"
  I shared this with my daughter and she laughed.  "You did that?"
"Yep.  Mama did that!"
"And it didn't help me. All it did was make me feel guilty, because I knew it was wrong!"
"Mama doesn't do that anymore." 
"Would you like some ideas for tools so you don't let yourself get out of control when you are angry?"

And then, you can come up with some ideas together!
Sometimes writing down how you are feeling helps.  For a littler one, drawing a picture.

Maybe coming and sitting by you and squeezing your hand, squeezing a kush ball or singing a song, playing the piano, getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths in rhythm with mom, (Alli likes the breathing one),  playing basket ball, exercising, thinking about a funny joke...and more.....This is the other side of that discipline coin; teaching "self discipline" and "self control".  (all of these are successful self control tools)
For me, as a mama, if I am feeling like I am going to lose control myself, instantly making myself look at how I am feeling and then using humor with my child has diffused more situations than I can count over the years. 
"Wow! Mama said, "Don't be disrespectful, disrespectfully!"  oops! :) 

As our children learn to get those tools out and practice using them, they will get better and better at using them in the heat of the moment, preventing a melt down.
New butterflies emerge from their cocoons when those cocoons look like there is no life in them at all!  


And they soar!

I love hearing success stories... would anybody like to share?