A Beautiful Weekend

This past weekend, I was honored to attend a very special get together with 9 precious ladies from across the United States. 
We had SO MUCH FUN!  But we also had SO MUCH IN COMMON!

These ladies are wonderful moms who have adopted children of all ages.  We laughed so hard that we cried, and we shared stories and swapped wonderful information.

My trip was made possible by one of these ladies and I am so very thankful!

It makes me want to start something similar in our area!

Here are some pictures of our weekend.....

 My feet are in the middle

 Here we are all together! What a fun night!

I don't know why, but chasing all these seagulls was so fun!  It was a one two three go! With Christine. :)

We all left lifted up in the Lord and Refreshed in each other's company. :)

Discernment, Truth and Judgment

I have written about discernment on my blog a few times, but mostly about teaching our children to be discerning, regarding what they read or what they listen to.  I posted HERE and HERE on that topic. 
Today, I'd like to write about our own discernment.
Discernment means:
from the "free dictionary":The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment. 2. Keenness of insight and judgment. discernment

From GTY.org: Biblical Discernment In its simplest definition, discernment is nothing more than the ability to decide between truth and error, right and wrong.

from Merriman Webster: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

from dictionary reference.com:
the faculty of discerning; discrimination; acuteness of judgment and understanding

and finally from Vocabulary.com: Discernment is the ability to make a smart judgment about something. If you're voting for Student Council President, you need to use discernment to pick the best candidate.

If you notice, discernment has a close relationship with judgment, based upon truth.
We make judgment calls all the time!  All of us do.  It gives a picture in mind of the Olympic rings. They are separate, yet blend together.

We judge if bananas are too ripe to purchase.  Will we eat them before they rot? 

We make judgment calls all the time regarding reading materials, movies, and even friends.
Is this somebody I want to spend time with?  Will this person effect my family is a positive way?
For instance, if a pedophile, just released from prison, who claims he has changed, were to knock on our door and ask to spend the night, we might want to be DISCERNING and say, no.

Is that making a JUDGMENT? Yes it is.  Is it judging a person directly, with the attitude of " you are lower than me you scumbag?"  No. it is not.  We can be kind and loving towards somebody, but also discern.

Does this type of discernment or judgment, put us up on a pedestal of self love and perfection, and place the lowly other person beneath the ground, into the ground and all judged to death?  No. And it had better not! We are all sinners and our standing before the Lord is ONLY because of His mercy and grace in our lives!  There is nothing we can earn.  Our best attempt at righteousness is as a dirty wrag, when held up to the Holiness of God.

If I were to say to that person.... "You know, I am happy that you have made some differences in your life.  Treat them with respect, talk about those differences, share with them, and then put them up in a hotel, where they could get a comfortable night's sleep, that would NOT be judging, but it would be discerning.
If an Alcoholic feels called to minister in Bars, or the pedophile called to minister in a "day care center", or somebody who struggles with stealing, to work as a teller at a bank, it seems it would be ok to question if that were God calling them.

There are all kinds of times that me make discerning, prayerful decisions in our conversations, and in our relationships.

Discernment is also a gift from the Lord, especially when raising our children.  There are times we must discern if an act of snottiness, was stress related, attachment related, hormone related (now that we have 4 teenage girls), or was it just a simple act of  disobedience?

It is HARD to discern sometimes, and many times after much prayer, calming our hearts down, and listening, the answer is right there before us.
The problems come for us as parents when many times behaviors look the same. 
Snottiness is snottiness! 


But is it?
No.

Just as we learn to distinguish, (discern) between a babies cries: Are they hungry? Are they wet?
Are they bored? Are they in pain?
We need to learn to discern and distinguish the root causes of our children's behaviors, and for that fact, the root causes of our own responses to those behaviors!  **** (see bottom of post)

Because sometimes, our reaction to their reaction can be a big ole' reaction that never ends!  OR it can be sorely mistaken, and we can wind up hurting relationships!

It is imperative that relationship remains connected and sought after, even in correction!  As parents, we must be able to share truth, with our children, and not crush them.  At the same time, sometimes our children can be crushed by insecurity, shame, lack of attachment, self judgment (the kind that is NOT true) and self hatred.
That makes it all the more important to break through those defenses to reach our children's hearts.
It will require vulnerability on our own part, sharing with them some snotty thing WE have done, and survived through a time of correction. :)

We can discern, how much a child is prepared for in the area of instruction and then gently stay within those boundaries!   Having a little at a time, with great support afterwards, lots of I care about you's and I love you's..... while keeping  them back in  a place of felt safety is so important!
And it works very well!

As time goes on, and our children have been home for a long time, their window of tolerance (<---- linked) can be wide open, and there is much room for us to relax more.  If When we mess up, it doesn't cause an end of the world catastrophic event under our roof!  We say we are sorry and life goes on.  :)


**** If we are unwilling to look at ourselves, or to admit that we are capable of great wrong, which all of us are, then it will be very hard to be discerning with our children.  We must remember those 3 fingers pointing right back at us, when correcting our children. 
If we are willing to be vulnerable and pour ourselves out to the Lord, or even find support groups to help us, we will be much better able to be in a place of discernment and proper judgment!
And then, we will be able to better parent our children who come from very difficult places!
Growth is hard.  But growth is Good!  The diamond in the rough is hard to get to, and takes much effort.
As parents, we must also be willing to receive correction, or learn new ways to parent. If we are too  proud, or if we don't receive somebody's attempt to help, even if the person isn't perfectly right, but instead dismiss their efforts as judgment... we won't grow.
When I was much younger and our oldest son was 10. I distinctly remember an older woman at our church taking me aside to give me her thought on a way I had corrected my son in public.
He had been told ahead of time not go go into our Sunday School class and get left over donuts. :)
But there he was, and I corrected him, instructing him to go and sit down in the church and wait for me.  It was that "authoratative voice thing"....
This woman was embarrassed for my son, because he was with his friends and all the kids did it!
She didn't know I had already told him.  Her words stung.  But she was RIGHT.  I embarrassed my son, and I am sure it was not her pleasure or determination to cause me pain.  She discerned and made a proper judgement and correctly sought to offer guidance.
I am thankful to her for that, even though it didn't feel so great at the time. Her intention was good.
And God used her in my life.
My guess is, there are a lot of diamonds out there undiscovered, because we are too proud to find them.... both in ourselves and in our children.

Let's choose to find the diamonds in the rough and bring them to a place of shining brightly!

Miracles DO Happen!

You may have read on Tina's and Adeye's blogs yesterday about the Higbie family. 
They are going to adopt THREE Teenagers!  But funds were not there, and they needed them fast.
The Body of Christ moved in an incredible way, and not only did they get the money needed for immediate needs, enough money came in to cover plane tickets and everything!  WOW!
Way to Go!
So, I have added them to my blog roll.  Can you join me in praying for this precious family, and praying these children home? 
They have invited all to share in their journey as they bring their children home.
Here is a link to Loving Recklessly, The Higbie's blog. :)

"MISTAKES"

The meaning of a word is very, very important.  It is not uncommon for words in our language to be misunderstood!  An example might be "effect" vs. "affect". 

Affect

In order to understand the correct situation in which to use the word affect or effect, the first thing one must do is have a clear understanding of what each word means. The word affect means to produce a change in something.

Effect

The word effect has a different meaning. Effect is defined as a result of something or the ability to bring about a result.


But when it comes to the word "mistake" the meaning is quite clear!

A mistake is a blunder, an error, and even an error in judgment, such as, I bought this dress but it is way to short!  Or  I made a calculation error and I have less money in the bank than I thought!

These are MISTAKES!  Yes, they are lapses in judgment, but there is no ill intent.


In the Trial of Hana Williams, whom I wrote about 2 years ago here, and then the use of TTUAC here
the statement was made that "we made a mistake". 
NO! A mistake was not made.  It was not a "mistake" to feed her frozen food instead of cooked.
It was not a "mistake" to put a lock on a closet door and force her to sleep inside there."
It was not a "mistake" to beat her.
It was not a "mistake" to beat her deaf brother.
It was not a "mistake" to make her stay outside, shower and toilet outside, and sleep in the barn.
It was not a "mistake" to keep the children separate from family celebrations like Christmas.
It was not a "mistake" to sit and watch her as she struggled for life.
It was not a "mistake" to STARVE.HER. TO. DEATH!

No.
It wasn't just "poor judgment" or "misguided judgment". 
No.

It was  a systematic, continual atmosphere of abuse... and then the other children were also put in the position of participation. 
During Hana's last hours on this earth, as she was staggering in the back yard, the mother gave Hana's brothers a switch to go and strike her with.
The children were then directed to LIE to social workers and investigators about where Hana slept and if she had been beaten. :(
It  was not a "mistake" to tell children to lie to authorities.

It was INTENTIONAL.

Now, did they intend for Hana to die?  I don't believe they did.  But honestly, how can the word "mistake" even be used.
Oops she died.  That was a mistake.
It so cheapens Hana's life.

How about we were HORRIBLY WRONG?  How about we are BOTH responsible?
Why even a trial?  Why not plead the truth? How about "We systematically MURDERED our daughter in the name of some sort of wacky- pseudo- parenting paradigm and we are TRULY sorry!"
"It doesn't matter if she were 12 or 20. We abused another human being, that we promised to love and cherish, until she died."
She is DEAD. There is a body in the ground.

There is forgiveness in Christ.  Yes, there is. And I do hope that the William's have sought that forgiveness.  But a sign of repentence would not be to defend your actions, accuse each other of being more at fault, or call your actions a "mistake".
Sin is more accurate.
Sins are transgressions against God, and against His Law.  We are ALL sinners. 
We are all in need of forgiveness.  I pray that the Williams find that forgiveness.

One of the saddest parts of this entire story, besides a family torn apart, and the death of Hana, is that this family, just like all families that adopt, had wonderful, GOOD intentions!
They wanted to do something for children.  They wanted to joyfully add to their family.
And something went tragically WRONG.  It was NOT the fault of Hana Williams.

If you are a future adoptive family, one of the very best things you can do while you wait, is get prepared for what is going to CHANGE.YOUR. LIVES. forever!
The process of bringing home children is a shock to the family AND even MORE SO to the child!
PREPARE YOURSELVES! 
Don't be the bride who worries about the fanciness and joy of the wedding and forgets to prepare for the marriage!
The LONG HAUL life of adoption can be wonderful! It can also be stressful! 
Deal with your own baggage before you bring your kids home!  I promise, you will have more to deal with after they arrive! :)
REACH OUT to the adoption community. DO NOT ISOLATE! And do NOT be in a group that speaks negatively about their children in disparaging ways!  Do NOT participate in "Misery Love Company" type groups.

Instead, find TRUE adoption support.  Seek out social workers, friends, friends of friends, and find families that are SUCCESSFUL.
LEARN FROM THEM! 
There are many blogs on my side bar to choose from that are successful with their children. They do not have magically easy children. Some deal with very difficult circumstances! 
Go to websites like  Empowered to Connect.  There is so much information there and it is wonderful!

There are also conventions to go to! There is one in Houston this month and in the Dallas area next month, both featuring Karyn Purvis!  It is 60 dollars for a COUPLE to attend for 2 full days of enrichment! 
That folks is a bargain!

The adoption community needs to pull together and make sure that not one more adopted child is murdered in the name of "discipline".  And even more, the adoption community needs to pull together and "Shout from the Rooftops", that adoption is a WONDERFUL THING... but you MUST BE PREPARED to FACE the MONSTER IN THE MIRROR! Yourself.
And then, you will be ready to be equipped to gently guide your adopted child to healing and wholeness.

Here is a link to the article that fueled this post.  Thank you to Hope Anne for posting it.
Here is a link to Hope Anne's blog.  I like to refer to Hope Anne as the creator of "skirt holding". :)
She is also located on my side bar blog roll.

Support Group In Katy Texas

If you are an Pre adoptive, adoptive, or Foster Parent and live in the Houston Area of Texas, I will be speaking on August 8th at the Kick off meeting for fall,  at Orphan's Hope support group.

I am truly honored to be invited for this event! It is very exciting to be able to share with others!
The Location is:  Grace Fellowship UMC in Katy TX.  The Support group name is "Orphans Hope".

I am really looking forward to meeting and talking to everybody. What an honor. What an HONOR!
Now, to prepare! :)

Questions and Answers

 At the end of both sessions that I taught over the weekend, I wanted to leave room for questions.
I am so GLAD that I did, because it helped me to think about those questions and also gave me a pulse for what is going on in other homes.

All of the questions were really great!  The ones that stuck out most, I would like to answer here.
There wasn't time for in depth answers or insights in just a few minutes time.

Question 1:

When parenting your adopted child, (according to emotional age or with great tenderness)  how does that go, when you have biological children in the home, who might say, "You never would have let me get away with that!)  ? 

Answer 1:  First off, you really CANNOT parent your children differently, as in having two different systems in your home.  Tenderness and unconditional love should be in place for all children.  When correcting a child, it should be private.  We do NOT discuss with one child, our discipline of another child and vice versa.  We ask our children to trust us, that we know what is best. 

If you are a family who has used physical punishment with your bio children, it may be a good idea to learn a different way BEFORE you bring your new children home.   I highly recommend the book "Heartfelt Discipline" by Clay Clarkson.  The newest version just came out this month. I do not know if it is being offered on Amazon yet, but you can get it from Whole Heart Ministries. 

I would also recommend that bio children or other children who may have been adopted and are already in the home,  feel like they are on the SAME team, BEFORE bringing home your new one. This is a FAMILY effort.  Explaining to them what to expect would be very helpful!


Question 2:

My 4 year old daughter, whom we are adopting through the foster care system has started to act out at school, and is hitting others. She is also having more meltdowns, but has not hit us at home.
What can we do?

Answer 2:

I would try to find out WHY the behavior is happening first.  Is she being bullied, or is she the bully?
Does she have a significant Anniversary time going on, that you may not know about? I would research that. 
Telling a child who hits, not to hit, is NOT enough!  They need to have tools given to them in order to change their behavior.
When our 3rd son Joseph was in kindergarten, he had a few issues with keeping his hands to himself.
His teacher and I discussed what we could do to help him and came up with a plan that we hoped would work for him. 
At home, I told him it was not ok to hit anybody when playing, even if HE was just playing or felt overwhelmed.   If he felt like he was going to hit somebody, he should put his hands in his pockets and then go and stand by his teacher RIGHT AWAY!  That would let his teacher know that he was struggling about about to hit.  She would then help him with whatever problem he had.
This method worked on the VERY FIRST DAY and we never had another hitting incident in school!

Question 3:
What about when you KNOW your child is manipulating you? (This was a little girl of 18 months)
Answer 3:
I do not think an 18 month old understands the complexities of manipulation.  They DO want what they want, and at this age, redirection is the best plan.
If they are wanting something they cannot have, you simply say, "not now" or "No" but let's do this!
And redirect them.
We cannot allow children to control us, but at the same time, we need to give our children what they need! They need those little love cups ALL filled up! When the love cup is full, manipulation goes away.


Question 4:
How do you keep out negative influences with your children as they are growing up and beginning to use more and more hand held divices like cell phones, facebook, computer, etc.

Answer 4:
That is the QUESTION  of the century for ALL parents for ALL children!
I would say it is impossible to keep bad influences away... so what we need to do is teach our children DISCERNMENT and SELF DISCIPLINE....  They need to learn the importance of responsible phone use, computer use, texting or Facebook.  Too much too soon is not a good idea. 
We keep our computer in the family room where everybody sees it. 
We have all passwords in a sealed envelope so if we ever felt the need to "snoop", we have the passwords.  No passwords? No computer. Period.
We have not come across the issue of somebody refusing a password though.
Our girls are not yet on facebook, but that is most likely coming soon.
They do not have phones either. They borrow ours if needed.
Teaching our children about the dangers of computer is very important, and not using it for internet is perfectly ok!  Especially for a child struggling with what they might find on there.



Question 5:
What about when your children come home and you didn't want "special needs" but when you get home, you find out they are both effected by FASD?

First off, EXPECT that your children will be Special Needs.  But when you are taken by surprise, as in this case, remember that many parents who give birth to children are surprised by "special needs".... Children are born with all kinds of syndromes or  diseases.  Parents are called to love their children.  Accept the children you have, and you may find a HUGE BLESSING in those special needs.  Learn how to parent a child who has FASD if what you are doing now isn't working.
Our children teach us more about life, and more about ourselves than I ever thought possible.
There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened.... but the direction you go from here, can decide if you are going to succeed or continue to feel angry.

Support Group

Tonight is Support Group!  If you are local and would like to come, you are welcome!
We meet at Saxby's Coffee House on Hwy. 544 in Murphy, right near Sprouts 7:00-8:30.

Tonight we will be finishing Chapter 8 in the book "The Connected Child".
You can download the study guide for free from the website: www.empoweredtoconnect.org

Chapter 8 is a WONDERFUL Chapter!  The Connected Child is also available online in paperback or Kindle edition.

Together For Them

It is official!  The brochures are out for the "Together For Them" conference in Houston Texas.
This year,  Alex Krutov , author of Infinitely More.  His story of being raised in the harsh Russian orphanage system and the God who relentlessly pursued him.

There are several breakout speakers this year, including somebody named Christi Minich. :)

I am SO EXCITED to be a part of this MUCH NEEDED ministry to the adoption community.
My dear friend asked me if I could come and speak at a breakout seminar. There are several speakers and I can't wait to meet them all. :)
I feel so honored. 

My prayer is that the Lord will go before me, and that the words that I speak will be those HE chooses for me to speak; no more, no less. 

I truly covet your prayers as I  put my workshop together.
THANK YOU!
May the Lord bless this Conference and the hands and hearts that have put it together. 

If you live in the Houston area, or want to take a short trip from the Dallas area, it will be a great time to learn from and enjoy the company of others involved in the adoption community.   The cost is just 10.00 per family!  That is an amazing bargain!  And the information you will glean will be worth infinitely more! :)

Hope to see you there!

Adoption Support Group

WE DID IT!  We started our first meeting tonight! We just dove in and DID IT! I'm so glad. :)

It will be an hour and a half, on the first and third Thursdays of each month.   Our plan is to spend 45 minutes in discussion and 45 minutes going through the study guide to Karyn Purvis's book, "The Connected Child".   
If you happen to live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area and are interested in joining us.... please feel free! :)
We'd LOVE to have you!
I am so happy to have good friends to identify with, discuss and support! :)