What A Week!

What a week! Or should I say Month!  This has been one of the hardest months.  It has been hard to even blog because of all the disasters.  I have attempted several times, yet it seemed kind of "trivial" to be blogging when there is so much sadness all around us.
The suffering of those who have lost loved ones is palpable.

In the last month we have had the Boston Bombings, The West Texas Explosion and Fire, an F 4 Tornado in Granbury Texas, an F 5 tornado just up North about 3 hours from us.
And more.

We had expected tornados last week also. We were told we were in the Bulls Eye for severe weather, and we prepared.  It didn't happen and we were so thankful.

In the midst of all the external chaos, we have had some chaos at home too.  Our sweetie was struggling and our hearts were breaking for her.  She was struggling with memories and shame of her past.    But God....

Today's sermon was so fitting.  God does not call us to be perfect.  He calls us to believe.  Each wonderful word pierced our sweetie's heart.  She was listening and I could see, just as 2 years ago, when the words spoke to her heart and she wept at her sin. Today, a light went on in her heart once again.  I believe that her reconciling past and present is so very, very close.  Working through grief and confusion regarding one's past is very hard.  Sometimes Chaos comes before peace.  She knows she has us, and the Lord on her side, and she also has a whole host of lovely people; dear friends,  prayer warriors, elders and our sweet social worker Kathi,  lovingly supporting our family regularly in prayer and encouragement!

We decided to tell her that we have successfully made contact with her sweet sister.  She knew her sister had followed us on facebook.  She was a little shocked.  A LOT shocked!  I am not sure how her sister found us, but she did.  I have been praying for this for 2 years and 3 months.

The girls have not spoken directly to each other yet, and we will continue to go about this slowly, for both of their sakes.  I do not want to overwhelm them, or cause them further trauma.  But we will welcome Alli's siblings, whenever they want to reconnect and establish a healthy  relationship,  with open arms and hearts.  She asked tonight.... "Mama, is it ok, if when somebody asks me how many brothers and sisters I have, if I say, I have 7 brothers and 4 sisters?"  I told her yes, that is ok.
She asked, "What if they ask where my other siblings are? "
I told her to tell them she has 2 in Russia and 2 in Oklahoma. :)
That answer seemed to help.

It has got to be so surreal, all the things that have happened to pull them apart.   But God has a plan,
and His plan is always for our good. :)  Alli is resting in this truth.

We went on to have a conversation about life and our histories.
We cannot make our past go away! It is a part of us.  We have to embrace it for what it is; but also embrace the present and the future.

I LOVED what our dear pastor said today about the woman who touched the hem of Jesus's garment.
Jesus said, "Daughter, your faith has made you whole! Go in peace!"
Our pastor said the word is "Shalom!"  "All is right with the world!"
Strongs definition was: Shalom means completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord.
Shalom comes from the root verb shalom meaning to be complete, perfect and full.
I pray that Alli  can feel that Shalom tonight!   And I pray this for all of my sweet friends and readers.

In the midst of chaos, confusion, disaster, sadness, tragedy and more.....

Shalom!

Peering Over The Edge

In my last post,<---(linked) I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.  Today, I'd like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.  It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.  Please join me. :)

As many who read my blog know, our newest daughter, home 2 years and 2 months, came to us through some very difficult circumstances.  She was full of fear, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and much more when she came into our lives.  We know that the Lord called us to bring our darling home, and and that He also promises to walk with us as we trust Him.  And walk with us He has!


As I write this, my girls are getting ready for Friday Night at the Movies.   They are laughing and cheerful.
This was not the case much of this week.  Instead, chaos came to visit, and tried to stay.  It would have been easy to allow it, or join in by buying into fear, buying into the negativity of trauma, and doubting that healing really does take place. It would have been easy to say, kids with this much trauma can't heal, or obvious FASD issues make healing futile.  Those are lies.


As I have said before in other posts, when somebody takes many steps backwards, they are getting ready to lunge forwards in healing.
But why the downward spiral?  I touched on some of this yesterday, but would like paint a clearer picture. 


I know that our sweetie has seen the "Grand Canyon".  Not the real Grand Canyon, but,  if the Grand Canyon could represent all that is wonderful and right about the world she lives in, and all that will be wonderful and right about her future.... she has peered over the cliff and seen it.

Getting there has been hard work, and that was just the rim.  Getting a glimpse of the canyon, was a fearful experience for her. Why?
The reason is, because even in the world of normal, problems are still there.  Bad things still happen to people, and there are hard things to solve.  We learn to walk through them,  and conquer them.
She chose  to cling to the old familiar.... chaos..
This past week, a perfect storm brewed and came to a head.  As our social worker Kathi put it,

"This sounds like the perfect storm of hope, fear, anger, need, and trauma. It is all that Purvis and Post and Forbes talk about in one huge dose."    And she was right.

It was a huge dose.  But remembering to stay present, stay calm, presenting a united front (tidal wave) of unconditional love brought the Perfect Storm to a halt!   I love the words of Christ in Scripture when he calms the stormy sea, "Peace! Be Still!".

We rested last night, and made some plans to bring our sweetie closer for a little while.  That means, going back to a more therapeutic parenting style, as some of her fears have returned.  The explosions in Texas and the Bombings in Boston had a huge effect on her fear level.  To a child with a trauma background, it can feel like their entire world is collapsing.
The memories of the past rushed in and reared their ugly head and before we knew it, she was a big mass of anger and fear.

Many do not get that an angry child is a fearful child.  If we only dealt with the obvious anger and not the root of what was causing it, it would be like pulling the top of a weed off and expecting it not to come back.

Instead, we addressed the entire problem.  But we had to start from a place of love in ourselves, not fear of the future or what may happen.

It is hard to look past the behaviors into the root cause.  But there is peace there. And in being at peace, we can help our children who are suffering, through a crisis.

Today, our sweetie is doing really well. We have definitely made her world smaller and will continue on that trajectory for the forseeable future, until she feels completely safe once again. She is relaxing in our love for her, and in our conversations, she fully understands that the life she can have, living in a healthy, peaceful way, is attainable!

 It doesn't mean the past never happened, it just means that how you interpret it, and deal with it, comes from a strength within that will turn all things into life lessons to achieve something better.

You don't have to let your past dictate your future. 
And you don't have to let your fears overcome you and rule over you. These are the lessons we learned this week.

We also were reminded in a very practical way, that LOVE NEVER FAILS, and love never gives up. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
I can see her hiking in that Canyon someday, with great confidence. :)

The Onion

I really like the correlation of the onion in regards to trauma.  The onion has a very thin paper shell layer on the outside that doesn't make your eyes water.  But it is dry and lifeless.

When you get to the next layer, your eyes really don't sting or water,  but that layer has a strong aroma.  The more you cut into your onion, and peel back the layers, the thicker they are and the more pungent.  Your eyes begin to tear up and it is hard to stand there and continue to cut that onion.
You want to turn away..... as it is hard to face.

With trauma, the surface doesn't seem so hard.  And you can function , on a surface level,  not dealing with anything.  But relationships can remain surface. 
And it is OK to stay there and rest.  After all, a runner doesn't learn to run a marathon in a day, a week or even a month.   It takes a long time to build up endurance.
Sometimes the deeper things are too much, and need to be left to rest a while. 

But that time comes when it is time to go back to work and cut some more into that onion.  Coming at it this time with the safety and security of  parents makes a huge difference because parents walk through it with you.  Looking at the scary things and sorting through them with better understanding can keep us from being haunted by the past.

This week with Miss Alli has been very productive in the onion/layer/discovery area. :)
Some things were shared from long ago in Russia that had been haunting her.  It doesn't shock me that she just might have some "issues" with what happened to her little life, and the events afterwards.

It is my prayer that someday, her bio siblings can step in that gap and help her to remember and process the things that occured when she was just 7 years old.  Another person's perspective can shed light on those memories; especially because they were  older than she was, and may remember things from an older child perspective.  Possibly they can fill in the gaps for her.

I don't know about you, but there are very few things I remember from when I was 7, and those things I do remember, I remember with the understanding of a seven year old.  However, traumatic things are catalogued and remembered in our brains as traumas, and working through them is important.
I am so pleased that our sweetie has used some of the tools we have given her to process her loss.
Her journal has proven to be a great asset to her.  Writing letters that may never be delivered, but writing them anyway, and video projects have helped her too.  She  made a a video gift<<<---- Linked for her sweet sister for her birthday in 2012.
She may never get it, but it made Alli feel better to make it.

She loves her bio siblings and misses them terribly.  She worries about them; if they are ok, or if they miss her or are sad or mad at her.  Those are normal feelings. 

Those questions in her heart may  or may not be answered in this lifetime.  I pray that no matter what happens, she will be able to accept her circumstances and remain steady, knowing that God is in control, and HE is enough.

Change Of Scenery

From This
To This.

I wrote a post <--- link last year about how we implemented a change of scenery to bring about healing and peace. 
In the webinar I hosted last night, the issue of "Changing Scenery" came up, and I wanted to  expand on that concept to bring about better understanding.

When a child gets stuck in a negative behavior or as BCLC calls it, a "negative feedback loop",  the point is that they are truly STUCK.  They do not know how to stop, or how to change the direction they are going.
That is where we parents come in.  We have to guide them to a place of felt safety so they can let go.
Many children who are "stuck" suffer from PTSD and truly "feel" threatened when they act out.
This could be on a conscious level or a sub conscious level. 

Changing the scenery is NOT a logical linear act.  For us, it may seem is,  illogical.
Because bad behavior in our minds = consequences.  "You do this, I do that."  It is a tit for tat scenario.  So just "deal with it"..... "If you don't want consequences, don't act out!"

We can find ourselves becoming drill sargeants passing out consequences in a continuous flow and suddenly we become combatant enemies. 

If you don't want this, I know I don't, then how can we bring about permanent change?  
                                                 Get out of the loop! 
     So, how do you do that?  You change the scenery.  When I say "change the scenery"  I am not talking about taking somebody shopping and buying them gifts to make them stop yelling at you.
That is called bribery!   That is what you see in the grocery store when a child is screaming at the top of their lungs and the parent opens the crackers or chips the child is demanding and gives it to them to make them stop.  This is not only bad for the child, it is also modeling stealing, because those chips have not been payed for!

Changing scenery has a purpose.   The purpose is to get the person who is stuck, out of stuck mode.
Just like a car that is stuck in the mud and needs a tow truck to pull them to safety, our children need us to pull them into safety.

Rocking, walking, going to a park to breathe in the fresh air and smell the flowers, can breathe new life into a very weary child and a very strained relationship. 
If this action takes them from a place of rage to a place of safety and love, you have begun the first steps towards healing.

Even with a child who says, "I don't care!" as they hurl words of pain towards you.   Your response to  them, putting yourself aside, and getting them out of that loop will bring them to a place of caring.

So I ask, if a child is raging for hours, and you have a tool to use to bring calm back into their life, why not use it?  Is it rewarding bad behavior to take a walk?  I don't think so. 
When we think this way it is because we are not looking at the whole child and only focusing in on the negative behavior.   The behavior is there for a reason.  The child is dysregulated.  To participate with them in a regulating activity can bring them to a place where their brain can function well and when they are ready, give you opportunity to lead and guide them. You can do this through  role play, offering new tools to help them keep from going into full meltdown,  and reassuring them you are on the same side. 
Consequences that are not natural, do not connect with the illogical mind or even with the logical mind.  
A child will not be able to connect, "Because you didn't do your homework, you have to go to bed 15 minutes early.  Or, "Because you were snotty to mom, you lose your video games for the day."
These types of consequences don't really teach and lead to understanding and improvement. For the dysregulated child, they can actually cause the child to spiral further out of control.  They may feel that they are being singled or mistreated.

Relationship is of utmost importance.  Building relationship through natural consequences can lead to a stronger relationship.   If you child didn't finish homework, the natural consequence is a bad grade.
You can offer compassion to them, and then say, "You know, I just bet you can do better next time!"
"I know you don't want a bad grade!"  "Maybe we can study together tonight."  And suddenly, homework is no longer a battle, but driven by the child's desire to do well.

If a child talks back or uses snotty talk, of course it must be addressed.  But for a child who is stuck,  how you address it is so very important. 

We have used the "change the scenery" tool now and then. It is not something we have had to do often, and I want to emphasize that behaviors do change.  Healing does take place and you will not be in a mode of constant meltdowns and upheavel forever.  
Things will get much better as relationship solidifies.
Also remember that grief can come in waves, and sometimes old behaviors can return briefly.
It is then we can get caught off guard and not do what is best.

A little about our own words:

"Good for you! You calmed right down!"  "Thank you for rocking with me. I love it when we rock together."  "Why would you act like that?"  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
As you learn about your child's struggles, remember that your words of encouragement go a long way in helping them to healing.  Words of discouragement can cause them to remain, stuck.

Grief Revisited

Grief is a process that sometimes comes in waves.  You will be doing just fine and then it hits you once again.  You had a tragedy in your family long ago, or more recently.  Suddenly, grief is upon you and the emotions are there once again because there is something new to process and examine. 

I am the same age that my father was when he died.  It is strange being the same age. It has made me go back and think about him more lately.  It makes me miss him, and wonder what he would have been like as an older man.
Sometimes I miss Mike's dad Ed so very much.  I felt close to him.  His death was a shock and sometimes I go back on my blog and read his comments.  He was a wonderful man.
As an adult, these times come upon me, and they are just out of no where.  It isn't something you can really "control".  However, I CAN control how I deal with grief.  I can choose to do something nice for another older person, or make sure I visit a sick friend, because you never know....

There is also grief that is felt when our nation is attacked.  I have had that grief a few times. It is an overwhelming sadness and the question of why?  It feels like your innocence has been ripped away and that you really are not safe. 
That is how it feels! But it isn't the truth.

For our children who have come from very difficult, complicated backgrounds, grief can come and revisit, even when they have been doing  well. It doesn't mean they aren't doing well, grief visits periodically, unannounced.
  Some might call it PTSD, because something might remind them of a loss from before, and the emotions are there, raw and real, once again. And when grief pays a visit, sometimes they don't handle it so well.

I could sense we were going to have one of those moments with Miss Alli.  She has really grown up a lot in the past 6 months.  She has matured, and become much more fluent in her ability to speak and express herself.  But she is still working on appropriate behaviors when grief comes upon her.

As a young lady who fully understands where babies come from, how parents are to commit to that baby for life, and how it feels when they don't, Miss Alli had some things to work through these last few days.  Her frustration of not seeing her brother and sister, wondering about other siblings, if her mother was still alive and more have been on her heart.  She has mentioned it in a healthy way and we have prayed. 
But today, she took out her grief in a less healthy way.  She expressed it through anger.
But what happened along with it, as we lay on the bed together was DIFFERENT.
She was able to say what was on her heart.
It came out rough.... but it was real.
"You are not my real mother, you are my step mother."  "My real mother lives in Russia!"
Once again, she is processing what happened to her at a new level.  Each of our girls has had to go through this level of thinking.  "What happened to me?" "Why didn't they do better?" 
"Why were they so violent?"  "Was I not worth it?"   These are grief questions.  They are birthed in sorrow and sadness.  And it is O.K.

"No, I'm not your step mother, and I am very REAL.... but I am your adoptive mother."
Do you know that there is a difference between those 3 kinds of moms?
Your birth mother gave birth to you.  It must be very hard to not have her in your life.  It must be so sad to think that you had to be taken away, and that her life was destroyed with alcohol and violence.
But you need to know that it is right and ok for you to love her.  She is your mother too.

A step mother is the wife of your father.  Sometimes she "steps in" and helps to finish raising children.  Sometimes step mothers have great relationships with their step children, and sometimes not.  However, she is not an adoptive mother. 

Mama and Papa adopted you. That means it is as IF I did give birth to you. Our names are on your
birth certificate as if we were there. In my heart, I feel that very way.  And I know this for sure, because I did give birth to your brothers and I love you just as I love them.

Because you are adopted you have an INHERITANCE!  That means you are a Minich and in every way a family member in good standing, who will always have a family name.  It is a good inheritance.
God adopts us as His children.  He has 1 one first born son: Jesus Christ.  But we are  joint heirs with Christ.  God does not have step children. We are His children, period.
Mama doesn't have step children either.  You are a joint heir with all your siblings.

I listened to her as she shared what was on her heart.  We then talked about appropriate ways to express our sadness or frustration, and to remember our history.  Has she learned this in the past? Yes.  She just needed a reminder. And she will probably need one again. :)

The cool thing about Alli is  that she really, really wants to do well.  Sometimes she gets stuck.
But it isn't the same as before.  She collects herself together pretty quickly and thinks things through in the end, coming to repentance and asking forgiveness.

As a side note:  I did find it interesting that her previous two adoptive families did not come up.
She has been with us now for over two years, and I think those experiences are fading into the background.  The memories are less and less.  Most memories now are appropriately going back to Russia, or what we did last year. :)

TRANSFORMING

                        
The last couple of days I have been contemplating life....not an unusual thing to do for me. :)
I was feeling a little tired, and starting to feel like I was in a bit of a "rut". 
I hadn't written in the girls' mom dad and me books for a while, and I didn't like that.  Some of my parenting was beginning to look a little on the LAZY side! 

Today, I decided as I was preparing for support group to just spend lunch time alone and read and pray.  I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH how REFRESHING that was!  Oh Wow!

And JUST WHAT I NEEDED was an encouraging word, which came from "The Connected Child".
We are going to be doing Chapter 9 tonight, and I am excited about it.  Chapter nine is about being PROACTIVE to make life easier with children who are struggling. 
I already had prepared for that so I moved ahead to Chapter 10.  It is on supporting healthy brain Chemistry, and then Chapter 11 is about Handling Setbacks.
BOTH of these chapters really ministered to my heart today. 

I was so encouraged that we are on the right path regarding nutrition, fish oil and nuts.  Healing CAN happen in a brain that is damaged by trauma.  I have known this, but it is the first time I read CLEAR, DISTINCT evidence from their own studies!

In Chapter 11, she is so encouraging.  She talks about setbacks children have and how we STAY THE COURSE!  (my wording)  She said to go back and look at where your child was when you started and then look at them now.  Are they calming easier? For increased lengths of time? Can you play a game with them?  Are they making warm eye contact?  Are they cooperating more? 

I began to think about EACH of our girls, where they came from and all that we have been through as a family.  Reading a blog post out loud to Mike this a.m. also brought to mind just how much progress we have made?
The questions asked in this blog post were heart wrenching to read, and we answered YES to MANY of them; no to a few.  It is a WORTH WHILE READ!<<---- link  Every adoptive family or potential adoptive family should read this. 

Putting it all in perspective today brought tears to my eyes as I contemplated my own life. :)
I am so happy.  My life is not normal. But I am so happy!  My girls are THRIVING and the LORD has been SO VERY GOOD TO US. 
We do have setbacks now and then.... me too.  But that is human nature.

Today,  I called the girls to me and  asked them a few questions:
(These are out of "The Connected Child" book.....)
1. When I was angry I used to........
     Now when I am angry I.......

2.  When I was sad I used to.......
      Now when I am sad I..........

3.  When I was afraid I used to.......
     Now when I am afraid I........

As we each answered those questions, ME included, I could see how the Lord was working in each of my girls' lives and in mine too. :)

We talked a little bit about grief and how sometimes it comes in cycles. We shouldn't be shocked or scared if we start feeling insecure or have memories come back, or waves of past pain. 
This is NORMAL, because we have not lived NORMAL....
I was more and MORE convinced today, of the ORCHESTRATION of our lives together by the Lord's hand.  We are in that TAPESTRY!  And the picture is BEAUTIFUL!

I decided to stop at the store on the way home and get some specific stickers that each girl would really like.  I also found 4 small, very cool, journals that will be different from the Mom Dad and Me books.  These are for me to write a specific verse or word of encouragement, and also to write down an awesome behavior I noticed, and then place a sticker on the page.  It is NOT a reward book.... just a book of acknowledgment for them to keep.  I pray that they memorize the scriptures and that the words I write encourage them to press on to new heights of love and wholeness!


It has been a good day. I can't wait to share tonight at support group what I learned today. :)
I'm loving the path we are on.  God is in the business of transforming lives.... and for those of us on this journey; we are transformed too. :)

IT'S ANNIVERSARY TIME!

It is Alli's big Anniversary time. She has SO MANY anniversaries, they are hard to keep up with, but her birthday is just around the corner, and our coming together is not much further away.  So, of course, that internal clock is ticking LOUDLY!

We had another  incident last night with some bossiness that I have not seen since August!
I expected that old behaviors would come back to visit, and was surprised that they didn't at Christmas time!  
My fingers were crossed for Birthday time..... but they are uncrossed now. LOL

I handled the bossiness very much like I did in my last post.... and when things were calm, she did ask, "What am I doing wrong?"  Sometimes when our kids get in a funk, they don't recognize it.... ESPECIALLY if it has to do with more abstract things like tone.

So we sat together and I told her very matter of factly what she was doing wrong about her bossiness. I used humor to demonstrate it.  Her response was, "I don't sound like that!" 
Ummm. yes dear, you do! :)

I mentioned the incident earlier  where she shut down, and told her that these behaviors have not been around to visit us in quite a while! Can you tell me what is going on in your heart?
As we spoke, I mentioned to her that it is normal to be anxious sometimes. 
"Can you tell me what is on your mind?"
At first she said, no.  We waited a few minutes and then she said yes.

She spoke quietly, with her head down.... "I've been thinking about my other brother and sister all day.  I miss them.  And then she began to cry.... And I've been thinking about my mama.
Of course, our family is so weird, I had to ask, "Which one?" After All, I'm number FOUR!  :)
She looked at me and smiled .... "My first mama, in Russia."

I took her in my arms and said, "Of COURSE you are thinking about them!" 
"It is close to your birthday and you came from your mama's body!  It is where your little life began! I am so thankful that you were born!"
"I want you to know, IT IS OK, to love them!"  "IT IS OK TO LOVE THE MAMA WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!" 
"Your birth mama was an alcoholic, and had many problems, but that does not mean she didn't have love for you!" "Of course she did!"
(Alli has several precious memories of time with her birth mama, cooking, watching her mama by the stove, and walking."
She cried a little bit.  I felt this was a good time to share with her the little bit of information I received a few weeks ago from her first adoptive family.  I had been hoping for a little more information before I shared, but it didn't come.....

I let her know that they are not angry with her, and are very happy that she is happy.
This gave her some much NEEDED relief, because she has hung onto guilt for a long time over her first adoptive family.  The loss of her brother and sister has been great. :(   I pray that at some point, they will be able to exchange letters or even meet.  I pray that when they are all adults, they will be able to reunite in a healthy way.
I TOTALLY understand and respect the first family's need for privacy.  We have needed that privacy too!  But I do pray that at some point, a letter can be sent.....or pictures exchanged. 

After our talk last night, we went through the plans for her upcoming birthday, and what to expect. We talked about the good in her life and how sometimes we can get overwhelmed dwelling on the past, which we cannot change. 
Looking to the future and making the best of the life we have to live, is the best direction for success.
When we give our lives to the Lord, we are RIGHT where he wants us to be!  We can't go forward and see what is ahead, looking in the rear view mirror! :)

Life is a journey.  Alli is like a small rose bud that is just beginning to unfold.   I am excited for her, and the life she has ahead of her. I am proud to be a part of it.  
There are days when we struggle together to keep our eyes on the goal. But through those struggles we learn to be strong.

Yesterday, as we were talking, she mentioned that at 12 years old, you have barely even begun to live your life!  Such wisdom!  She is right.... And we talked about how much of a wonderful life is ahead of her. 
She then revealed to me another little worry.  She had read in an Ewitness Book about being a crime detective, (she likes Nancy Drew), she read about how there was a man who's father was a convict and the son was also a convict....and the book inferred that the son was because his father was...as if it was inevitable.  She was VERY worried about this for obvious reasons!

I told her that some of those opinions are simply Philosophical opinions, NOT based in TRUTH, just some observation.  Just because you were abused does not mean you will abuse.  Just because your parents were alcoholics does not mean you will be an alcoholic. Just because somebody is a thief, it does not mean their child will also be a thief!
These are MEN's Ideas! 
BUT GOD..... is in the business of intervention! He is in the business of taking us from the path we are on; one leading to destruction, and placing us on the path of life! He is in the business of turning us around! 180's!
We are ALL capable of walking a path of destruction, including those who come from GOOD homes where there was no addiction or abuse! 
Choosing a different way, making that decision NOW, will lead to a very different circumstance!
CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT REGRET!!

She asked me, "Mama, what do you think I'll be like when I grow up?"
I replied, "I think your are going to be a wonderful and outstanding mama! You are already showing wonderful qualities when you are around little children.  And I think you can do whatever you set your mind to!"
It is TRUE.....  And TRUTH sets us free. :)

Trauma and Holidays

I have written about our children's internal clock, and how Holidays can wreak havoc on a child who has suffered much in life.
We are not strangers to Trauma, or Anniversaries.   Those anniversaries are usually not positive!  They bring back memories and our children suffer so.

Over the years, I have found that preparing our children for the holidays ahead of time, helps with the impact of the Anniversary.

Two of our daughters LOVE Holidays and Birthdays!  One of our daughter's likes the holiday time, but has so many hurtful memories.  And then one of our daughters would prefer that Holidays didn't exist.   It is a stressful time for her.

We have done our best to rewrite memories that are good and her memories of good times at Holidays are there.  But what is also there is rejection, pain and the memories of long ago.

Unfortunately, her birthday comes right at the SAME TIME!  She likes her birthday but doesn't like to make a big deal of it. 

There are positive things that can come out of the holidays.  It is a great opportunity to help our children to work through that old trauma!    While it may not be exactly how we would view holidays, they are a perfect time to work on some tough things. :)

So today we had some extra rocking chair time for a couple of girls. 
We talked about what to expect and came up with some positives! 

Now, In the middle of this rocking chair time I was baking like a crazy woman, trying to figure out a new recipe and one of our girls was telling me she wanted a new room mate! LOL
One minute she was playing peacefully and the next she was full of angst.
The room mate request signaled to me a need for a rocking chair experience. 
THAT is when we as parents drop EVERYTHING and focus. It was time to put the baking aside for somebody WAY more important that a perfect pie.

But poor Alli was just so sad that she will not be able to see her other brother and sister.  She was mournfully blaming herself.... "It is all my fault because I had a bad attitude".  :(
And then I had to carefully work through THAT minefield and tell her NO! It was NOT ALL your fault... HOWEVER, you DID have behaviors that were not appropriate. 
But parents normally don't send their kids away like that.  THAT is NOT your fault!
She went on to say, "I had NO IDEA they would do that!" 
I told her I'm GLAD you had NO idea! Because it isn't normal!
"You had those same behaviors when you came here, and we worked through them, right?"
She smiled and said tearfully, "Thank you for keeping me mommy!"
That broke my heart. :(

I pray that some day when her siblings are older, that they will be able to reconnect.  But for now, that is just not possible.

I reassured her at the same time that I believe she is where she belongs.  She agreed and said something very profound.... "Mama, I don't think I could have healed if I hadn't come here."
And then I got the biggest hug ever... and a big smile....
It was a sweet time. :)

I hugged our other girl and rocked her after that.  And we talked all about the plans for the weekend.  She managed some sweet snuggles, I love you's and smiles. :)

I took one of our girls out and talked about what the plans were for the weekend.  We also joked that when she was older, she just might spend Holidays camping or on a cruise! LOL  She loved that idea.

It is really important for us to accept our children where they are.  There is no moral dilemma with being stressed by Holidays.
We have a huge family, and it can be stressful for one of our daughters in particular. At the same time, she really does enjoy the time, just in smaller bites. :)
She LOVES her little nephews and nieces and and can be found entertaining them.
And then.... she'll slip off to read or write.... and that is OK!

Do not let relatives pass judgment on your children.  Encourage your children to be polite and kind, but don't force them to be fake.
Things are much more peaceful that way.

Everybody is tucked in and the last of the baking is going on......
Praying for those of you who's children suffer during the Holidays.

The Art of Discipline Part 8: Do you EVER Raise Your Voice?

 ( I just took this photo of my Alli and Bella) :)

I wrote about what "CORRECTION" looks like and showed a video in this post.
This is what instructive correction looks like....  But I wanted to follow up lest I lead people astray that you should NEVER us a firm tone of voice.

I believe STRONGLY that using a soft and tender voice is necessary, and should be the NORM, especially for a traumatized child.  However that does not mean milk toast parenting.  It does not mean that you are not an authority.  You are; and a parent who learns to be an authority in their child's life based upon respect and love has their child's heart.

IF you are not using an authoritative voice all the time, (I am not talking about yelling, as yelling is not ok  I am talking about a firm quick NO!) that quick response will definitely get their attention.
And sometimes that is exactly what is needed. 
Parents who are always yelling or speaking harshly have to raise the level again and again as kids just get used to it as normal... then when you are wanting them to listen quickly, they won't. 

(Not that children are dogs, but it is very true in training animals, that a soft and tender voice needs to be used so that when you need to say a firm NO, the dog will listen. Otherwise, they will ignore you.)

There are times when a child is being disrespectful or in an inappropriate "mood"..... where a quick firm "NO"! or "STOP! NOW!".... is very appropriate.

We had that scenario this a.m. Alli woke up and wanted to make breakfast and it didn't turn out so well. She also was not wanting to receive any help.... which was just not going to work. She decided to just walk away while we were talking to her.
This is NEVER, EVER appropriate. It is disrespectful and NOT allowed! 

My tone changed from soft to "STOP NOW!"   And our daughter stopped and came back and sat down. 
I believe that if we were always using that tone, or if we were "yellers", she would have kept on going. 
My tone startled her, which was my intent.  I needed to quickly get her attention.
She said she was headed outside so she could be happy.  I let her know that going outside will not bring her happiness, because the discord in her heart goes with her outside.  And then, I waited to talk to her anymore, so she could take that in.
In the mean time, we went out and rescued the chicken from the dogs next door. (brave chicken) We will be clipping wings tonight.:)  We fixed a fence, and then rescued the goats who escaped from an unlocked fence.
Yes, our morning was eventful! LOL

I also, needed to become calm internally, so I spent some time praying while I was helping Erika finish up the morning dishes.  I always want the Lord to use my words to bring about LIFE and PURPOSE in my children. 

We were starting a little late due to the disrespect that had happened earlier, and Alli said, "Aren't we going to start? We are late!"  
I said, "We are late because of disrespect." "We will start when mom is ready, and I'm not ready quite yet." 
About 10 minutes later, I felt I was ready to lead our morning study. We always open with reading a chapter in the bible and talking about it.  They all enjoy this, and so do I.
But this a.m., I believe that God had me do something a little different.

I had listened to an old sermon from Richard Wurmbrand while I was walking on the tread mill.  I like to listen to sermons.  This one was called "The Faces of God". 
He talked about how one of his torturers while he was in prison, was an ex priest. He was now a secret police interrogator who was a ruthless man who tortured Christians.
He had the bible out and asked Richard, "Do you believe this?"
And Richard said, "Yes".
The man confessed to him that he had been a priest but was scared of the communists and saved his own life by joining them. 
His confession went on and on.  And then, Richard asked him, "Do you believe in God, in Jesus and that he died for sin?"  The man said, "Yes."
Richard then asked him, "Did he die for YOUR sin?"
He said, "No". 
And then Richard was able to share with him that Christ knows how awful our sin is, every sin, and He took them ALL upon himself WILLINGLY and gave his life for us. 
Your sin cannot be too great for God.   He is greater still.
And that man, that torturer, became a true believer at that time.

As I shared this story with my girls this a.m.  I looked at my Alli and all my girls, "Even back in Genesis, God said to Cain, "Sin crouches at the door, but YOU MUST MASTER OVER IT!" 
"Are we striving to master over our sin?  Are we truly struggling to overcome?"  "Or are we letting old habits creep in and take over?"

I asked each of my girls to find a different part of the house and go and spend about 10 minutes in prayer. 
When they came back, we finished up with praying for the countries on our clothing.

But I wasn't finished. I needed to use some instructive correction with Miss Alli.  I also felt that Alli needed to watch the video from yesterday that I had not shown her, and the one from today that nobody knew about. They were very similar.  At first she didn't want to, but I told her I wanted her to see, so she could truly understand what I was talking about.
She sat in my lap and watched herself. The camera does not lie. It was raw video, and she was appauled at how she sounded. 

Once again I reassured her that watching this video was not to embarrass her, but to help her to see what we are talking about.  She commented, "Mama, you were only trying to help me and I was so rude."  Yes, you were.  But I forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself.  And you ALSO need to STOP speaking in a disrespectful tone, and do it over in the RIGHT tone.

She immediately got up and said she had to go out to daddy and tell him how sorry she was.
Her sorrow was genuine, and I expect that she learned something valuable today. :)

(Just as a side note):  The use of a camera should NEVER be to humiliate.  It should be used sparingly, and as a teaching tool for both YOU and your child.  I learned something yesterday. Alli did not understand the difference between upset and angry.  She learned that today. :) 
I believe it is an excellent tool for parents to learn about what THEY are doing that can be changed.
The camera can be MISUSED, if it is being used to follow a child around and narrarate, similar to what happened on the 20/20 show I wrote about here. 
 

The Art of Discipline Part 7: What Does Correction Look Like

Alli has been home for 19 months.  I say often that she has come a LONG way.... But it is true! She HAS come  a LONG way!
We are continuing our efforts to learn how to use our tone of voice.  We have been doing really REALLY well, with a few little kinks now and then. 
Yesterday was one of those "kink" days.  And somebody was not in the mood to be corrected so early in the a.m. Soooo, instead of listening... she got defensive and said some things she shouldn't have said.  She talked back and she dug in..... 19 months ago, this would have turned into  a huge ordeal that went on for hours.  Today, it was resolved successfully in 30 minutes.
I quickly put on the camera with NOBODY knowing.... and just let it roll.  The reason is; many times she doesn't HEAR how she sounds.  She doesn't "get"it.  So trying to catch it is hard, and trying to explain it is harder! :)  Using video to see later, helps her to understand how she is sounding. 

I cracked up how everybody was acting so natural in the video.  Miss Alli was sitting right beside me. I told her she needed some mama time and then asked her.... "So what does scripture say?"  "Does it say Children be disobedient to your parents?"  Does it say children talk back to your parents when you disagree?"  "I wait for your answer while you calm yourself. "   She knows the answer quite well.

In the mean time, I made 3 videos so one wouldn't be so long.  I caught dancing, and playing and all sorts of things.....I tried to talk to her before she was ready and that did not work.  I am still learning that sometimes a few minutes to cool down works best.  Miss Alli was completely silent.  And then, she went from sitting next to me, to laying in my lap.  That is when I knew she was ready to listen.  I am going to post this video, because I want to show what gentle correction looks like.  

Our goal is always relationship.  Our goal is always a repentant heart.  I am really glad that I caught both of these on camera.  Miss Alli has given permission for me to play this.  I do not want to cause any of my girls embarrassment..... so I DO ask permission from them to use pictures or videos. I explained to her that I felt this one was important so others could see what we do.  And she agreed.

She really is a sweet heart. :) 

She was awesome for the rest of the day.  Fast forward to "Bright Lights"... The theme at bright lights was carrying the burden of sin.  There was a skit and then the discussion was about confessing when we do wrong so we don't bear our own burdens.  They discussed how it is refreshing in your heart when you confess your wrongs.

After dinner,  we were cleaning up and from the dining room, Alli said, "I want some ice cream!"
About 10 seconds later she came up to me and gave me a hug and said, "Mama, may I have some ice cream please?"  "I'm sorry I spoke in a demanding way."  I was so proud of her AND excited that she is really understanding!!!!

Timing

I was asked a really great question yesterday by a soon to be adoptive mom who is reading both "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, and "The Connected Child."   BCLC is written by Heather Forbes and TCC is written by Karyn Purvis.

BOTH are really good books and both I highly recommend.  The question was, "Do they sort of contradict each other?"     I can totally see how it could look that way, and in a way, it is possible that they DO, IF you are trying to use them both on a newly adopted child. 

Let me explain..... 
I believe that Heather Forbes BCLC book is perfect for a child who is NEWLY home and for ALL children with EXTREME behaviors.  But as your child attaches and sort of "graduates" in behavior, then Karyn Purvis's offers excellent examples of how to stimulate and help a child flourish. 

Now, In the Connected Child book, she goes into wonderful detail about the backgrounds of children and where they have come from, but I think some of the methods with a brand new child would not work. I KNOW it would not have worked for 2 of our girls because of the deep wounds and lack of trust in the beginning.  But now that we are in a different season, MUCH of what she has to say is just fine.

So I guess what I am saying is that TIMING is VERY IMPORTANT. 
The way we can talk to Alli today, is MUCH DIFFERENT than what we could do 17 months ago.
She was so insecure and only had one volume and one emotion that she let show when she was upset. She didn't know the names of other emotions or how she was really feeling. She didn't look at us with direct eye contact when she was upset.  And I do not believe in forcing it.
Using BCLC techniques were ESSENTIAL in helping her heal. 

I think Karyn Purvis' Book, is a book of how we have always parented in a normal circumstance, even with our boys.  There is a lot of common sense in it.  She suggests eye contact, and today, I can say to Alli, "Look at mama's eyes".... and she will.  But 17 months ago?  It couldn't be forced in the moment.


I had to literally test where she was emotionally by placing my hand near her fist.  She would bat it away and I would put it near and then as I soothingly talked to her, I would put my hand closer and closer until she took it and held on.  THAT was my cue that she was ready to be comforted and after a few minutes I could THEN ask her to look at me.  Sometimes she was too ashamed, so I would just tell her she was beautiful and then offer a different way to do things next time. :)

If I were in the process of adopting again, I would say that reading both books is paramount!  There is much to glean from both.... but I would be 100% BCLC for quite a while, and THEN when a foundation of  trust was formed, I would then begin to use some of Karyn Purvis's techniques.

BOTH BOOKS STRESS gentle and tender voices.  BOTH books STRESS kindness and respect.

And RESPECT is a TWO WAY STREET.... IF WE WANT RESPECT, WE NEED TO GIVE IT. We are our children's example of what that looks like.

Children learn and grow differently depending upon personality and situation.  You CANNOT RUSH HEALING. 

I just love raising our kids.  There are challenges and struggles, but the Reward is great. :)  Seeing little lives change before our eyes is an amazing experience.  What a blessing we have been given.

Fear and Relationship

For those of you who have children who came to you with MULTIPLE, OVERSTUFFED Trauma bags, I pray this post can bring you hope.

 I have written much over the years about Trauma and FEAR and how our children, because of literally living day in and day out in a state of trauma,  their brains have learned to interpret trauma as normal every day life, and a life that is not full of trauma,  as something to be TERRIBLY feared. 
The truth is that FEAR is their familiar, and in a strange way, something they embrace.  Why? Because they know nothing different, and they are too afraid of the change.

So, if you are living with a child who's behaviors are over the top FEAR.... which can come out in many ways, INCLUDING: defiance, control, anger, frustration, hyperactive behaviors, hypervigilance, withdrawl, disassociation, depression, anxiety, PTSD, RAD, etc.  there is an answer.
There IS healing, but it will take a HUGE commitment to learning how to reach them AND it will take TIME. 

Just as much as our kids need to change behaviors, WE DO TOO!.   I wrote a post earlier about "When We Need to Change", this is a part 2 for that post. :)

I think that the very hardest things for we parents to get, is that when what LOOKS LIKE outright rebellion and defiance are staring us in the face, what we are REALLY facing is a STRONG reaction to FEAR. 
Many MANY times our kids may not recognize it themselves, because THEY don't know anything BUT fear.  It is, and has been a HUGE part of their lives. It is that strong survival instinct that has become their accomplice in life.  I won't call it their friend, but it is certainly their familiar companion.
I use the word accomplice, because an accomplice is NOT a good person to be with.  FEAR, CAN be a healthy thing in appropriate situations, but for our children who have suffered so much, it is an accomplice for them, an albatross about their necks, holding them in a prison of torment and despair, refusing to let them go.

We have some of the BRAVEST of children. :)   I say this very seriously.  It is a BRAVE and STRONG child that learns to overcome.  And it does NOT happen overnight.  IN FACT, it cannot happen, until our children take the plunge of TRUSTING us.  That bridge of trust is a FEARFUL bridge to cross.  Imagine yourself walking over  a shaky bridge with  pieces missing, over a burning hot fire down below, where one misstep will cost you your very life.  Imagine that you are so terrified that just trying to make that step forward is so daunting, that every fiber of your being holds back.
That is what it is like for some of our children.

Now, imagine yourself, as a parent on the other side of that bridge.  Are you the parent holding your hands out, encouraging your child to come and trust you with warmness and acceptance?  Or are you the parent who is standing on the other side saying, "Why Don't You Just Get Over Here?  What Is Wrong With You?  Hasn't It Been Long Enough? Why Don't You TRUST US???"

Our children will not get there on their own.  They NEED us to disarm that fear mechanism and take the plunge of trust.  But WE MUST be that instrument they can TRUST!

This brings me to the Amygdala.  This is the part of the brain that processes emotion.  There is no logic here, just interpretation of data with emotion.  There is no reasoning here.  And for kids with TRAUMA backgrounds, it is MESSED up! It takes over and causes the thinking part of the brain to not be able to reason.  It interprets the unknown with fear and our children will go into a fight or flight mode, or they will regress into themselves and shut us out. 
Our children's brains became wired this way in order to survive.  It took time for this connection to take place.....circumventing the reasoning part of the brain,  but the GOOD NEWS IS, IT CAN BE CHANGED! It is NOT a forever thing, if we can learn to reach our children.

I received a letter from a reader not too long ago who's new son had severe RAD.  She said nobody in their state would even take him for fostering,  and now, just 6 months later, he is connecting to them.  She was SOOO HAPPY! And I am thrilled for her. :) 

Miss Alli is another one who continues to make huge steps of progress in adjustment and trust. 
I too have learned myself, to REMEMBER what I am truly dealing with, if FEAR shows itself.
It is awesome to see how quickly something can be resolved that would have taken HOURS or days just over a year ago! 

Our children all were functioning in FEAR mode when we first brought them home, and FEAR IS NOT LOGICAL! That is why LOGIC does not work.  There is no reasoning in fear.  FEAR is a raw emotion, not based upon logic.
I believe one of the reasons that I understand how paralyzing fear is, is that as a child, I was TERRIBLY fearful.
I was so full of fear, (much of which nobody knew, because I chose not to share it) that it was paralyzing. I was the child who withdrew and shut down.  I turned my fear of a person, into an unreasonable fear of the dark, and being alone. It  carried into my adult life until 2 of my boys were already born.   I had to learn to identify why it was there, and conquer it!  It was HARD!

I know there are those that do not believe that defiance  or control is a fear mechanism.  They don't believe that a child who is disrespectful is fearful.  I cannot do anything about that but I DO know that as a child I felt RAGE and DEFIANCE.  I didn't act out on it, but it was there, brewing.
I almost feel like the child who actually expresses how they feel, is a little healthier and stronger!

I continue to write about our very real experiences with TRAUMA and how we have been able to help our children overcome, in hopes that it may be of help to somebody out there who is really struggling.  In the process of understanding my own children,  I personally have been able to unpack many more of my own personal traumas of the past, and lay them to rest. :)

Now back to the amygdala.  Did you know that it can be REWIRED to CALM down and not over react!  It CAN!  A  long time ago I used the term "rebooting", but a counselor friend of mine said, rebooting gives the idea of something happening right away, like flipping a switch.  He said "rewiring", is more like it.  That gives the concept of time.  Because it DOES take time.

We REWIRE the amygdala and give our children something new to hang onto.  Instead of FEAR, we offer them TRUST.  We offer them TRUE LOVE, which is an action on our part.  And the result of this rewiring, will be a mutual, REASONING,trusting, relationship. The defiance and rebellion will begin to disappear and a true relationship based upon mutual respect and affection will begin to take shape.

RELATIONSHIP is of UTMOST importance.  If you have no relationship, you will have no trust.
It must be NURTURED and PROTECTED....  Things that destroy relationships with our children, OR PREVENT THEM FROM FORMING IN THE FIRST PLACE are judgmentalism, harshness, unfair treatment, being controlling, anger, condemnation, shortness, over reacting,  bitterness, self pity, non acceptance.  Parents, these behaviors need to be FAR from us.  Yes, I'm talking about US, not our children.   HOW will they learn to trust us or WANT to trust us, if we give them nothing to hold onto for safety.
ACTIONS THAT BUILD RELATIONSHIP AND TRUST ARE:
Love, understanding, patience, kindness, gentleness, acceptance, Peacefulness, honesty, affection, laughter, humor, conversation, LISTENING, taking interest....

I am so glad that when we come to Christ, He accepts us with open arms of Love.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ.   I cannot imagine that GOD would save the sinner and then turn around and condemn him when he fails.  Instead, he love us, patiently guides us and corrects us in full acceptance with GREAT mercy and GRACE..... and yes, it is UNDESERVED.

God calls us onto a journey in our lives and causes us to grow in our Spirits over time.  He doesn't expect a baby in Christ to suddenly stand before a pulpit and parse verbs in Hebrew and Greek! 
Sometimes, I think that however is how we treat our newly adopted children.
They have NO IDEA what a family is, how it operates, how to interpret all the rules and nuances that each family has, let alone understand in many cases the new language they have had to learn!
And if there is continued tension, there is also no relationship. 
We need to remove the LOG from our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our children's eye so that a true relationship can begin!

We need to be a rope of SAFETY in our OWN behavior,  so they can DARE to TRUST.  By   going over and over and over and over again the process of offering LOVE and TRUST and NOT a reason to fear, .... Through that repeat process, the brain will be rewired. 
And that is SO SATISFYING! It makes me just so excited!  Especially when I get encouraging  letters of success. :)


Baby steps..... in the beginning and then..... a wonderful bouquet of wonder! 
Our children are complex blossoms waiting to be discovered.

What I Did Wrong!

Well, as you can see our last few posts have been chalked full of activity. And all on MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND!
Mother's day is a trigger time for children who have experienced trauma, and typically we do not make a huge deal of mother's day. You can't get away from acknowledging that it exists, but you can get away from the pressure the day brings.  

We have been doing so well, and there were no clues leading up to dysregulation at all.  So we went to the ENORMOUS ANNUAL BOOK FAIR with thousands of people,  for TWO days in a row!  Alli did wonderfully both days and really enjoyed herself. 

After that, we woke on Sunday Morning to go to a different church where our precious baby grand daughter was being baptized.    Her birth  triggered Miss Alli a bit but she expressed it very well, expressing true sorrow.    The Baptism brought once again attention to "love, raise and nurture" the baby in the Lord.  That was a trigger..... because Miss Alli was not loved, raised and nurtured.  That sting of seeing loving parents dote on their newborn carries a tinge of pain.

During the service, she had a distant look and I asked her, "Are you ok?"  She said, "I'm bored."  So I had her help me follow along in the bulletin and let her know we were not there to be entertained, but to worship and see Olivia be baptized. 

We left after the service and decided to go out to lunch for Mother's day.  Everybody seemed happy about it except Miss Alli.  She demanded that Erika give her a hair band for her hair, not asking nicely.  Erika carries hairbands around with her all the time.  If in need, she has an extra.    She gave Alli one, and she rejected it.  She gave her another one and she rejected it.  The last one was Erika's favorite.  Alli said, "I want THAT one."   Erika told her no, very nicely and said, that one I keep for me. You can have one of the other two.  Alli stormed off calling her selfish.

I took Alli aside and got her calm and then asked "Who was really being selfish?"  Was it the person willing to share, or the person who demanded the other person's hair band?    There was a blank stare. (Here is where I was trying to use logic and address an issue that was both illogical and NOT the issue! duh)   ( I was looking at the behavior and not what was DRIVING the behavior)

Now NORMALLY,  if such a behavior would have occurred we would have gone DIRECTLY home,  but I felt like that would have made the other girls who were all being kind and sweet feel as though they were being punished. 
 Alli pulled herself together enough to eat nicely and we did have a good time.  

But when we got home, the attitude  returned!  She went into a full PTSD mode thinking that we were going to get rid of her, and she was bound and determined to make it happen.
(This is not uncommon.  The child will try to CAUSE the parent to reject them, and hurry up the process because the rejection is so painful.  They think there is no hope, so it is time to just get the relationship over with.)
Once again I tried to use LOGIC! "Of course we are not sending you away!"  She was NOT being logical or making sense, so LOGIC did not work.  Even though we KNOW this and even SHARE IT, it is sometimes hard to remember.  (another DUH moment brought to you by Christie)

We finally got through to her after she exhausted herself,  and we even watched a movie.

 But in the a.m. it started all over again.
Miss Alli did get up, but then it was time to start school.....   She said, "You are going to MAKE me have a bad day aren't you!" 
"Ummm.... no.  Let's get our work out please. "  Once again, I was being logical. I was ALSO NOT RECOGNIZING there was no way she was going to be able to function with math and language when her window of tolerance was barely open.  So I "logically", 1/2'd her work....... when what
we SHOULD have done, was started with art... but no, I was brain dead.
I was also not recognizing that she was looking through the lens of PTSD, not her normal self.

Things escalated just like the day before and I made a call to our Social Worker.  I am so glad she called me right back!  She was VERY helpful!  She said, "change the scenery"........ DUH once again!    Of COURSE that is what we needed to do! 
It is VERY important to have others in our lives who can help us, because we CAN  forget in the moment.  Just like our children, when we feel emotional or sad or anxious, we can't think as clearly.
Our social worker Kathi Turner is AWESOME.  She is supportive and full of fun and energy.  She even gave me a story about her dogs (we both laughed) she is trying to train.  (they are rescue dogs)
And how her tone of voice caused one to attack the other. And she instantly knew it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, when a child is stuck in PTSD mode or RAD mode, the best thing you can do is change scenery.  Now Miss Alli was in the laundry room  behind the big laundry basket.  I was able to coax her out by using a different tone of voice, catching her interest and getting her into the car.
She demanded to know where we were going.  I know she was afraid I was taking her away.  I told her she would like where we were going, but I would not tell her until she was safely in the car. 
She got in the car and the look on her face was terrified. 

It was then I said, we are going to go to the park for a walk.  We didn't get 100 yards down the road and she burst into sobs of relief and sorrow, guilt and shame, and many apologies.   
"I don't know why I do this!  I just destroy relationships!"    I reassured her that we are not destroyed.
We love her and we will always be here.  But when she pulls away from us, and feels alone, it isn't us that has left, it is her, and she needs to face that AND change it!  ( this is when we can use logic and instruction..... when they are CALM and LISTENING)

How can she make the changes she needs to?   One step at a time. :)  Baby steps to healing.....

Using this technique has worked many times in our children's lives.  It seems odd that you would go for a walk or seemingly "reward" a behavior that is unwanted, but this was not just an unwanted behavior.  It is ALSO unwanted by Alli.  She does not like it.  She just couldn't see a path to get out of it, so I provided the path FOR HER.    There are times when the girls do things they shouldn't and are corrected in a very normal way.  "That was not ok.  We don't do that because.... or You need to come inside now because ...."    

The difference  in dealing with a behavior driven by fear and not just childish irresponsibility,  is huge.   If, we try to treat a fear based behavior like pure disobedience or irresponsibility,  the fear will grow bigger and even be substantiated in thier mind. 

What happened could have been prevented, had I been  paying close attention. 
Sometimes it is hard when you so much want to do something as in the book fair and chess tournament,  Olivia's baptism and  going out on Mother's Day.  We thought that everything would work out.   I took the chance and I was wrong.    And it cost us all.     I felt mad at myself for not being more careful.  

By the end of the day, Alli and Sarah were sitting in the wheel barrow together with sketch books in hand, creating nature pictures..... :)  Everything was calm , and all just seemed right with the world. :)

We are parents by choice, and a family by choice.  It is our honor to do what we do and we love it. We learn from our own failures.  Those failures bring us face to face with our own issues, helping us to recognize where WE need to make tweaks and changes in order to help our children to grow.  Being a parent, whether your child is adopted or not, is difficult and joyous at the same time.  It is CERTAINLY a life changer.   And one of the biggest benefits of parenting, is that it causes us to press into Christ all the more, who is our source of life and strength for each and every day.

 I want to mention my other girls.  They are so amazing and loving.  While I was holding Alli, Sarah came over and said, "Mama, it is time to pray.... you too Alli!" :)  (and we did pause and pray)
 That's my Sarah; and that's my Alli. :)

Overwhelm

Miss Alli and I stayed home from services yesterday.  She was still a bit overwhelmed with old memories.  Yesterday was going to be a huge day with a church potluck after church, a baby shower for 5 babies at the same time and then a business meeting!  That would have been way to much for her.

We got some much needed cleaning done in my room.  And we had a wonderful time to talk.  I think our time, just being together and in quiet, really helped her get over the overwhelm.  She was rested and playful. 
Today was one of those wonderful days, that we are used to having. :)
That is, until the Russian Consular office called and said everything I turned into them was WRONG and I have to redo it all, have it translated AND apostilled.  This means I have to send certificates of adoption AND birth BACK to NC for apostille, and our stuff to Austin for Apostille.....
MERCY.... now I am overwhelmed! 
The man on the phone was REALLY kind.  In his Russian Accent he said, "This is very complicated case!"  I said, "Do you think?" :)

I assured him we were trying to do everything we could and we were doing our best, but the website didn't tell us to do all the stuff he was saying we had to do.  It is interesting, because with Sarah, we just had to re register her and get a new number. (Ukraine)
But with Russia, they will be sending all our information to Russia and Alli will be issued a new birth certificate in Russian, with our names, a new adoption decree FROM RUSSIA with our names and eventually a new passport, when all that stuff comes back.  But... he said we have to go to HOUSTON in PERSON to get the passport.

I'm sort of impressed. :)  I think.... I hope it works the second time!

THE LETTER

 

Here is a case in point  about not comprehending English.... After Alli's troubles yesterday, when we were talking, I said, "Alli, you're killin' me here..." Meaning.... you are stressing me out..... Thus, at midnight I get this letter.... :) The spelling is really impressive here. Usually when she is upset, her spelling is REALLY awful.... :)

 

Uncovering Buried Triggers

Sometimes we are like mine sweepers on the battle field unearthing  and diffusing bombs before they go off.  Sometimes we miss the mine and set the trigger.

"I'm sorry Mommy, you really are better than a horse! :)

I blogged about 3 steps back, a little while ago. 
I had noticed the last few days, in FACT right after I wrote that wonderful 14 month update, that something was going a little south.   She seemed more on edge, and I couldn't quite figure it out.

To add to her dysregulation, we had a change of plans last night and more changes of plans this a.m. along with one of Anna's friends spending the afternoon.  It all came crashing down. The "Window of Tolerance" slammed shut!.... and oh she was mad.

Trying to figure it out was tricky....I just couldn't put my finger on it.  So here I am doing my best to be in BCLC mode, yet there was this child sitting there talking back, and saying hurtful things, declaring that "YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME!"  "YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE OTHER FAMILIES!" "You think I steal!" "I KNOW that is what you think about me!" 
BINGO....
That was my clue.  What happened recently where I didn't trust her?  Actually nothing.  BUT.....
we had 2 left over containers of bubble tape from Easter. They came in packs of 3 and I had to buy 2, so we wound up with 6.... and we only have 4 girls.  The other 2 containers were on my dresser.  A few days ago, I noticed one was gone.  I didn't really think that much about it, but asked the girls, "Did anybody get into the bubble tape? One of the leftovers is gone."     Daddy said he took it, and it was over.
We really don't deal with stealing at all, and that is why I asked, because I really didn't suspect anybody.
Alli seemed a little defensive when I asked the group about it and I thought I had settled it right then. "I'm not accusing, just asking if anybody did, that is all. I'd just like to know what happened to it."

Well, her behaviors started to get more and more irritated. And she started to withdraw from family activity.  She once again separated herself from her sisters like she was the outsider......
I was just puzzled. Today when Anna's friend came over, she didn't really engage like she normally would.  She instead was inside looking at horse pictures.

When we finally got to the bottom of her outburst, it dawned on me that the only thing she could have been talking about was the gum.  So I said, "Did you think I thought you stole that gum?"  She nodded her head yes. 
"I never accused you of taking it, and we all know that daddy took it." 
"I know, but you THOUGHT I did!"
"No, I didn't think anything, that is why I asked! And frankly, if you wanted it, I would have gladly given it to you to get rid of it."

I then pointed out to her that we are not just ANY family, or the OTHER families, we are THIS family!
She started to cry a cry of relief. 
And then we had a conversation about horses. 
Horses don't hurt you. They don't reject you. They don't really have choices with you. You put a saddle on them and ride them and they obey. (if they are trained)
People DO hurt you sometimes, and love you and care for you.... and TALK to you and try to understand you.  People relate you in a way a horse cannot.
"Have you ever seen a "horse city"?"   "Do you see horses building roads?"
"That is because they are not people, they are animals!" 
Sometimes when we are hurt, it makes us want to escape by loving animals, who do not have the ability to have an equal relationship.
People relationships are HARDER than horse relationships, because People are not animals to be controlled.  People feel just like you do; they get hurt and  misunderstood too. But they also love and care and we NEED those relationships. 

She was very relieved that I didn't consider her to be a thief.  I asked her, "Have you been called a thief before?"
The answer was "Yes, in my last family. They said I took GUM." 

Sometimes, being a parent to a hurt child is like being give a tattered jigsaw puzzle and the pieces don't all quite fit, or the picture is torn off of some of the pieces, so it is really hard to put together.
But when it DOES come together, it makes total sense. 

So glad I'm better than a horse. :)

3 Steps Back

Yep, that is our day today.
Sigh..... :)

 (I took this during Alli's fit today)

I blogged that I hadn't seen any RAD or PTSD behaviors in a while..... spoke too soon.
We'll get through this stage and move on.  Not sure what triggered it..... 
She has been obsessing about horses.  Right now, horses are more important than family.
Those are words of hurt and anger. 
Sometimes I wonder, "Would I rather have me, or a horse?", if I were a kid.

 Don't I resemble a bit of a horse?  :)
(Alli took this during my nap today).....

A 14 Month Update

Last year

This Year

Alli has been home now for 14 months and I wanted to give a little update on her.  She is doing awesome.
Her one year anniversary passed and it seems that she went through a threshold of not turning back!  I wasn't sure what would happen, as she stressed about getting to that one year and rejoiced after she got there.

What I HAVE seen is her pressing into her studies more.  She is learning to comprehend English better and better which makes it MUCH easier on me.  When I ask her if she understands, she no longer gets defensive, but says yes or no and knows that it is not a test of her worthiness.

One of the biggest changes we have seen is in her ability to cope with dysregulation.  She is ACTIVELY seeking out her tools ON HER OWN.  I rarely have to remind her.  Instead, she will catch herself and immediately apologize without being asked, if she has been snotty.  And being snotty lately is rather rare. :)

She is writing in her Mom Dad and Me book regularly.. and her latest note was sooo sweet.  :) 

Alli has grown 4 inches in a year and gained over 10 lbs.  And she is not showing any signs of slowing down! She may wind up being the tallest girl we have around here.   I asked her if her first mom and dad were tall and she said VERY.... But I'm not sure if that is just a perspective, because she was a very tiny for her age 7 year old. LOL  Everybody is big when you are little. :) I remember one of our boys thinking his dad was HUGE when he was little.  He really wasn't. :)

Easter memories were all from Easter last year and she didn't stress at all about the Easter Egg Hunt.  She fully knew it was going to happen! 

Her relationships with her sisters are secure! She is firmly bonded with each of them and regularly tells them that she loves them.  She in on a daddy daughter date tonight, and before she left she hugged everybody goodbye. 

Morning routine has been the hardest transition for her.  But she is now getting up happily and getting her grooming done before school 80% of the time.  Sometimes she brings  a brush when we are starting to finish her hair. 
I have to say, our new baking soda wash and  apple cider vinegar rinse has made her hair much more manageable in the tangles department. :) 

Right now, she is very interested in all the bugs she can find.  She loves taking jars outside to catch them. She loves climbing trees and making fake cookies on the front porch.  She and Sarah are always playing some spy game, and eventually get Anna to join in the fun. :) 
Overall, Alli is LOVING being a kid.  She is going through all the stages she missed at a younger age, but catching up fast.  We have gained a HUGE amount of ground in 14 months. 

Honestly, I am not seeing signs of RAD anymore.  I'm am seeing very little of the PTSD symptoms, and I am seeing a whole LOT of the Real ALLI.... My heart bursts with joy over this.  This is nothing short of a real life modern day miracle.

She would LOVE to have another sister and has asked about it a few times.  She said, "Mama, we can help somebody else! I'm ready!"  LOL  
At this point there are NO PLANS for another one.  So she is our baby. :) And I think she likes being that baby.  She needs to be the baby for a while longer. 

Did I say I was proud of her? :)