Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

Adoption Disruption and Thoughts I Can't Express part 4.

I was going to title this: "The Anatomy of Disruption"..... but just decided to label it part 4.
I have written 3 other posts on Adoption Disruption.  Here, Here and Here. And then one more here.And yet another one here..  And then here.     There are more.... but those are the main ones. :)

So, here I go with another disruption post... WHY?  Because I guess I haven't covered all my thoughts on this very difficult topic .

Since I wrote those other posts, we have adopted again from Adoption Dissolution/Disruption.
Miss Alli came home almost  2 1/2 years ago. 
Since that time, we have been through a lot with our sweet girl.  The most recent, was the reuniting with her sister Tatyana.  She has not yet reunited with her brother who is still in the first adoptive home.
Aren't they just beautiful together? :)
Tatyana is now on her own, so we could reunite.

I would like to visit this from the  perspective of the child, and how things unraveled into a huge mess, but with a happy ending.

Let me start with the premise that I believe is most important.  God is in control.  It doesn't matter how I feel, or how I perceive things, He is in control. He chooses to allow things to happen that I do not understand, but I trust Him, that His purposes are always for our good.

I have had  discussions with Alli's older sister and Alli, separately, to gain some perspective for writing this.  Earlier today, for clarification, I asked Tatyana about Alli's behaviors back when she was a little girl in Russia, and then when she came home to America.
Tatyana has emphasized that all Alli's behaviors were typical kid type behaviors.  She didn't feel that anything warranted what happened to her sister.

I asked Alli, "Do you remember how you behaved in Russia compared to America?"  Her answer corroborated her sisters.  She was a typical little girl in a very bad situation. 
She was also picked for her good behavior in the orphanage to go to the store and go on a trip to the Black Sea, and to do something special at Christmas.

In watching the video given to us the the children's interview, Alli was typically nervous being recorded but said she liked Pink, and Barbies.
She was adorable.
What Alli DID say, was that she was very afraid to come to America.  "I didn't want to leave my mommy."
That broke my heart.
Her mommy didn't have custody of her, but she still felt a connection with her.
Of COURSE she did! All kids love their mothers!

But she agreed to come, because she didn't want to lose her brother and sister.
And that is PRECISELY what happened to her!
Her biggest fear, came true. :(

Alli went through a time of shock, having 2 new parents that she couldn't relate to or communicate with, and a new brother who was younger than her. This was not their fault or her fault.
She was forbidden from speaking Russian to her siblings, which was her only form of communication.
And, she lost it.
She cried and had  melt downs.
As time went on, things got more and more out of control. She didn't understand what was being required of her, and didn't get why they were so mad at her.
This was a hard time for all of them. And I am sure many of us could see themselves there.

Please remember that when a child is learning English... they may speak it LONG before they comprehend it!  Misunderstanding RULES!

She was afraid of the family and didn't trust them. They were afraid of her and didn't trust her. She was angry.
Since she felt she could do nothing to please her family, she gave up trying.
She began to talk back and had decided in her mind that she was apart from them.
I can picture the "talking back".... it happend here too!

Things spiraled out of control and she wound up going into respite care where she did quite well.

At the end of her  stay in respite care, she was told it was time for her to go back home. Her statement was "I'd rather die than go back to those people,"  which landed her in  a Unit for evaluation, and then she was disrupted.

She called her home to communicate with her brother and sister, but was told they didn't want anything to do with her.  She was devastated.

A disruption occurred.

Her second adoption didn't go so well either.   And by then, she really just didn't care.
She decided she would rule her own life, and acted out whenever she felt like it.
She had begun to form a habit of unwanted behaviors to hide the pain she was in.

Then came us.....  She wanted to try, she really did, but the fear of failure and self judgment ruled her heart and she was full of shame.
She would try, and then give up, try and then give up.  It was a cycle of shame, sadness, anxiety, and then hope once again. It was HARD for all of us!

As Alli began to help us unravel her past, and opened up more and more to us, her window of trust and tolerance began to open wide, and she began to drop her old bad habits of unwanted behaviors she had clothed herself with.
She began to let go of the grip of fear that consumed her and began to trust once again.
But, as encouraged as we were, we knew we had a long road ahead of us, because when somebody allows themselves to go into reckless abandon behavior wise, it can be easier the next time, and next time, and there is so much disconnect. It becomes a  habit ; and habits are hard to break!

Today, Alli loves and trusts us.  In fact, during our talk, she said that she is glad she came to America, and she is happy that she is home with us.
And she very much feels "At Home!"

I was able to tell her how much I love being her mom. :)

So why am I writing this?  I am writing it because it is so wearying seeing adoptions fail. :(
Adoptive parents NEED to be prepared for the adjustment phase of children coming to America or just into a new family.
The grief process is huge. We need to educate ourselves about what grief looks like and how we can help our children loving them through it, not judging them through it.



PARENTING METHODS MATTER HUGELY!They matter, especially, for a child who comes from a Trauma Background! 
While Alli came from a background of trauma inflicted upon her in Russia, there was even more trauma forced upon her by her previous families and she couldn't handle it.
She went from feeling safe in the orphanage, to being terribly frightened and alone in America.
Feeling safe in an orphanage should say alot about what her home life in Russia,  was like!

Parents, do all you can to educate yourselves on Trauma. LEARN HOW TO PARENT FROM A PLACE OF SAFETY AND LOVE!!!!   STAY AWAY FROM FEAR BASED PARENTING!
And for heaven's sakes, stay AWAY from groups that call themselves "support groups" when they are really more like "misery loves company" groups.

I am so thankful for our sweetie's healing in her heart.  SO THANKFUL! 
But I am also thankful for the process we have all gone through over the last 2 and a half years.  I have learned a LOT! :)

Parents, Never stop learning!   Parenting is an art form that takes practice and effort!  If we cease learning.... we lose, and it can be the difference between a greatly successful bringing of a family together,  a cold existence living under the same roof, but not really being family, or a traumatic disruption that has profound effects on everybody.  :(

This is my last post on disruption.
This post was meant to help folks to see disruption from the Child's perspective.

My daughter is healing. She is awesome and she is strong. She is real!

There is NO DOUBT that there are situations where disruption is necessary.  I do not fault parents who find themselves in sad predicaments and do end adoptions.
My goal is not to fault anybody.  Please do not personalize what I write.
It isn't about you!

My goal is to let adoptive parents know there is HOPE and there is HELP!
BUT..... we must be willing to be introspective and see where we must change.
I have had to change a LOT of things in my life, in the views I once held and more.
It has been a good and LONG journey.

Processing The Weekend......

We left last Friday for Oklahoma, so that Alli could be reunited with her Russian Sister. 
Alli, her sister and brother we all adopted 4 years ago from Russia, and brought to America but things didn't go so well. :(   Alli's adoption was disrupted after much turmoil. 
Today, Tatyana is also on her own.  

Our visit however DID go well!
Both of these girls are amazing, strong girls. I am so thankful, that they were able to reunite and that they will have a relationship for the rest of their lives.

I feel as though we have added another daughter, with Tatyana.  She is a sweet heart, and she and Alli have a lot of the same traits.   It was so fun to just watch them compare fingers and toes, and talk about the same likes.... or have the same types of responses when language came into play.  :)

I am so proud of both of them.

Some thoughts about this weekend have come to mind. 
I think sometimes as adoptive parents, even with the best of intentions,  we have preconceived ideas about who our children will be and what they will be like. 
That is a dangerous thing, because our children are not blank slates. They come with personalities and behaviors that formed long before we met them. 
We cannot change them!
But we CAN guide them and tweak those behaviors that are too strong, or too active,  in the right direction.

Our children come to us with behaviors that are based upon survival.  They cannot just shut that off and become what our dream of them would be. We need to love who THEY are!
Instead, we need to support the child that comes to us, because I promise, they have a LOT to bring into our lives to enrich and teach US.

As adoptive parents we need to EXPECT to be challenged by our OWN behaviors, our own thoughts, our own expectations, our own failures, and our own selfishness... our own sin.  That 3 fingers pointing back thing that tells us .... we still have a long ways to go in this life, in the area of loving acceptance, will help us to stay on our knees and know that we cannot do this on our own. We need the loving hand of our Heavenly Father to lead and to guide us.

If you are struggling, don't isolate yourself! Reach out for help.... But reach out to those who are doing well and succeeding! Go to those conferences that are offered, connect! 
Go to the online classes! Join the proper support group!  ( I say proper because you don't want to belong to a misery loves company group)
And trust the Lord that He is at work in YOUR life, just as much as he is at work in the life of your child.

It Happened!

Oh! My! Words!
This was a weekend to remember! This was a weekend that has been bathed in 2 plus years of prayers!
This was a reuniting of what should have NEVER been divided! 
And we had the honor and privilege to be a part of it.

Many of you know that we adopted Alli because of  disruptions in her adoptions! I made that plural on PURPOSE.... Yes, 2 disruptions!

Alli came home to us 2 years and 5 months ago.  (If you would like to follow her story from the beginning... go back to March 2011 on our blog and go from there....) :)

Sarah and Alli waiting......

Alli has LONGED to be with her sister and brother all this time.  When she first came home she demanded that we go and just knock on the door and say, "I want to see them!" 
I explained that we can't do that..... but we can PRAY for God's perfect timing.  And we did.

This weekend, was God's perfect timing to meet her older sister Tatyana....:)

Her are some video's and pictures of our weekend:

The first meeting:


The Hurricaine!  It was simulated.... at the mall. Only a category1. :)

We met at Uncle Bob's house! Thank you So MUCH Uncle Bob for being a very important part of this. We love Uncle Bob. He is such a great guy!

He even helps fix windshield wiper blades! :)
Let's go to the beginning:

It was a LONG DRIVE!



AND THEN::::

We were all together:

Oh, and there was another problem with the van. Good thing Mike is a mechanic!

There was shopping to be done!

 Uncle Bob to entertain! :)

Precious moments to be had....

 After the church meeting, we met one more time!

 Comparing Hands... they already compared toes... and decided: They are the same! :)

 At Gibson's house!
A fun meal at the Freter's....


Sisters.... Together again!
And They are sisters with New sisters.... and old sisters.... I feel like we have 5 sisters now. :)

One of the final hugs good bye until December. :)

I asked Alli.... "Does God answer our prayers?" She gave a very abundant smile with a great big YES!

What A Week!

What a week! Or should I say Month!  This has been one of the hardest months.  It has been hard to even blog because of all the disasters.  I have attempted several times, yet it seemed kind of "trivial" to be blogging when there is so much sadness all around us.
The suffering of those who have lost loved ones is palpable.

In the last month we have had the Boston Bombings, The West Texas Explosion and Fire, an F 4 Tornado in Granbury Texas, an F 5 tornado just up North about 3 hours from us.
And more.

We had expected tornados last week also. We were told we were in the Bulls Eye for severe weather, and we prepared.  It didn't happen and we were so thankful.

In the midst of all the external chaos, we have had some chaos at home too.  Our sweetie was struggling and our hearts were breaking for her.  She was struggling with memories and shame of her past.    But God....

Today's sermon was so fitting.  God does not call us to be perfect.  He calls us to believe.  Each wonderful word pierced our sweetie's heart.  She was listening and I could see, just as 2 years ago, when the words spoke to her heart and she wept at her sin. Today, a light went on in her heart once again.  I believe that her reconciling past and present is so very, very close.  Working through grief and confusion regarding one's past is very hard.  Sometimes Chaos comes before peace.  She knows she has us, and the Lord on her side, and she also has a whole host of lovely people; dear friends,  prayer warriors, elders and our sweet social worker Kathi,  lovingly supporting our family regularly in prayer and encouragement!

We decided to tell her that we have successfully made contact with her sweet sister.  She knew her sister had followed us on facebook.  She was a little shocked.  A LOT shocked!  I am not sure how her sister found us, but she did.  I have been praying for this for 2 years and 3 months.

The girls have not spoken directly to each other yet, and we will continue to go about this slowly, for both of their sakes.  I do not want to overwhelm them, or cause them further trauma.  But we will welcome Alli's siblings, whenever they want to reconnect and establish a healthy  relationship,  with open arms and hearts.  She asked tonight.... "Mama, is it ok, if when somebody asks me how many brothers and sisters I have, if I say, I have 7 brothers and 4 sisters?"  I told her yes, that is ok.
She asked, "What if they ask where my other siblings are? "
I told her to tell them she has 2 in Russia and 2 in Oklahoma. :)
That answer seemed to help.

It has got to be so surreal, all the things that have happened to pull them apart.   But God has a plan,
and His plan is always for our good. :)  Alli is resting in this truth.

We went on to have a conversation about life and our histories.
We cannot make our past go away! It is a part of us.  We have to embrace it for what it is; but also embrace the present and the future.

I LOVED what our dear pastor said today about the woman who touched the hem of Jesus's garment.
Jesus said, "Daughter, your faith has made you whole! Go in peace!"
Our pastor said the word is "Shalom!"  "All is right with the world!"
Strongs definition was: Shalom means completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord.
Shalom comes from the root verb shalom meaning to be complete, perfect and full.
I pray that Alli  can feel that Shalom tonight!   And I pray this for all of my sweet friends and readers.

In the midst of chaos, confusion, disaster, sadness, tragedy and more.....

Shalom!

TRANSFORMING

                        
The last couple of days I have been contemplating life....not an unusual thing to do for me. :)
I was feeling a little tired, and starting to feel like I was in a bit of a "rut". 
I hadn't written in the girls' mom dad and me books for a while, and I didn't like that.  Some of my parenting was beginning to look a little on the LAZY side! 

Today, I decided as I was preparing for support group to just spend lunch time alone and read and pray.  I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH how REFRESHING that was!  Oh Wow!

And JUST WHAT I NEEDED was an encouraging word, which came from "The Connected Child".
We are going to be doing Chapter 9 tonight, and I am excited about it.  Chapter nine is about being PROACTIVE to make life easier with children who are struggling. 
I already had prepared for that so I moved ahead to Chapter 10.  It is on supporting healthy brain Chemistry, and then Chapter 11 is about Handling Setbacks.
BOTH of these chapters really ministered to my heart today. 

I was so encouraged that we are on the right path regarding nutrition, fish oil and nuts.  Healing CAN happen in a brain that is damaged by trauma.  I have known this, but it is the first time I read CLEAR, DISTINCT evidence from their own studies!

In Chapter 11, she is so encouraging.  She talks about setbacks children have and how we STAY THE COURSE!  (my wording)  She said to go back and look at where your child was when you started and then look at them now.  Are they calming easier? For increased lengths of time? Can you play a game with them?  Are they making warm eye contact?  Are they cooperating more? 

I began to think about EACH of our girls, where they came from and all that we have been through as a family.  Reading a blog post out loud to Mike this a.m. also brought to mind just how much progress we have made?
The questions asked in this blog post were heart wrenching to read, and we answered YES to MANY of them; no to a few.  It is a WORTH WHILE READ!<<---- link  Every adoptive family or potential adoptive family should read this. 

Putting it all in perspective today brought tears to my eyes as I contemplated my own life. :)
I am so happy.  My life is not normal. But I am so happy!  My girls are THRIVING and the LORD has been SO VERY GOOD TO US. 
We do have setbacks now and then.... me too.  But that is human nature.

Today,  I called the girls to me and  asked them a few questions:
(These are out of "The Connected Child" book.....)
1. When I was angry I used to........
     Now when I am angry I.......

2.  When I was sad I used to.......
      Now when I am sad I..........

3.  When I was afraid I used to.......
     Now when I am afraid I........

As we each answered those questions, ME included, I could see how the Lord was working in each of my girls' lives and in mine too. :)

We talked a little bit about grief and how sometimes it comes in cycles. We shouldn't be shocked or scared if we start feeling insecure or have memories come back, or waves of past pain. 
This is NORMAL, because we have not lived NORMAL....
I was more and MORE convinced today, of the ORCHESTRATION of our lives together by the Lord's hand.  We are in that TAPESTRY!  And the picture is BEAUTIFUL!

I decided to stop at the store on the way home and get some specific stickers that each girl would really like.  I also found 4 small, very cool, journals that will be different from the Mom Dad and Me books.  These are for me to write a specific verse or word of encouragement, and also to write down an awesome behavior I noticed, and then place a sticker on the page.  It is NOT a reward book.... just a book of acknowledgment for them to keep.  I pray that they memorize the scriptures and that the words I write encourage them to press on to new heights of love and wholeness!


It has been a good day. I can't wait to share tonight at support group what I learned today. :)
I'm loving the path we are on.  God is in the business of transforming lives.... and for those of us on this journey; we are transformed too. :)

Conference Session part 2

This is my talk at the conference.  It is the second session.

Happy Anniversary Sweet Alli! Part 2....

 I posted<<--- link   about Alli's anniversary earlier today before we went shopping.... I left several links to last years anniversary.

We have had a wonderful day.  I am amazed about HOW MUCH ALLI HAS GROWN, INSIDE and OUT!
She and Sarah have grown nearly 8 inches in the last 2 years.  Alli is tied for the tallest.  I was the tallest and youngest girl in my family too. :)

She has been wanting new boots as her old ones are too small. Guess who now wears the same sized shoes as Mama!  Yep...Miss Alli!  She decided to wear her new boots shopping. :)

ISarah found a pair of Converse 50% off!  So she was a happy girl too!

Anna, Sarah and I went shopping while Erika stayed home for some coveted blogging time. :)
We headed to World Market to get some spices and cooking supplies.  Alli asked to go to the Bible book store and I found an amazing bargain myself!  The ESV Study bible for 25 dollars! Wow!
After that, we headed home and took some pictures..... and tonight, we will be with dear friends and continue our celebration!

 Alli asked for a redo of this picture..... Daddy put her on his shoulders a long time ago.
She is much bigger now! :)

 My sweet baby girl.

All my sweet baby girls!

When we passed our one year anniversary, it was like a peace came over our sweet girl and she began to rest and not be so hypervigilant.    She has continued on a path to success with ups and downs, moving forward and backwards, but always on a path of moving forward!  I like the diagram of what success looks like....
I think this diagram is so accurate for all of us!
This child, has OVERCOME..... and she is not wasting any time in enjoying her life!
She LOVES being a kid, but has relaxed abit about growing up, because we have made it very clear that life doesn't end at 18. 
I cannot stress how important this is to our kids, whether they are BIO or Adopted.  They need to know we will be there for them AFTER 18....
Our girls know that their brothers are cared about and loved and they are all adults, and that has helped prove to them the truth..... "We LOVE YOU FOREVER!" PERIOD.

One of the delights of our lives has been bringing Miss Alli into our home and watching her transform. 
I am in AWE of what the Lord has done.

Happy 2nd Anniversary To Miss Alli

Happy Anniversary to our Sweet Alli!  And she wasn't even nervous about it this year! :)
To celebrate we are headed to find jeans and boots on sale! :)

More later!

Here is our post from LAST year's first anniversary. and then part 2 and then part 3.  ( I don't think I was excited enough. LOL)

A New Table and More....

 We have needed a new table for a long time. We have looked at used tables for quite some time, but nothing seemed right, or sturdy, or the right price.
I have had my on a table for awhile, and it went down in price! 
I was given a gift for speaking in Houston, and it was just enough to cover the cost of this table with the benches.  Mike graciously said, "get the chairs too". :)  YEA!

We now have a feeling that we are eating at a table that fits us, instead of feeling so crowded on our little 23 year old table!

That table is comfortably set up on the Front Porch as an Art Table. :)

One of our customers saw some of Alli's art work.  He is an artist himself and said that she has a very good talent!  He came in to meet her. When he came back to pick up his car today, he graciously gave her a water color set which included two technique books; and some larger water color paper for painting.

 She wrote him a thank you card while he was still here on one of her new note cards. :)
What a BLESSING!

Our dear friend who  is VERY MUCH responsible for making sure Sarah found a home here in the United States is traveling to Phoenix from W.D.C.   He stopped by while the girls were on a play date, but is coming back by on Sunday and will be spending the night with us, before he travels on!
We always love seeing Mr. Hal Tait!
It is kind of strange knowing people who knew your children before you did..... However, we live a strange life. :)

Erika did Sarah's hair  today.  I thought it was just darling.  They have been watching "The Waltons" season 4.  I think this is where the hairstyle came from.


Today was such a sweet day. 
TOMORROW WILL BE EVEN SWEETER.....
GUESS WHO'S TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS TOMORROW?????<----linked

ON BEING FAKE

I have heard many different twists to the word FAKE in relation to bonding with our children. The most common one I have read is,  "Fake it until you make it."
I don't like using the word FAKE or the connection it has to "shallow" and "deception".
I also don't like it because children can very well pick up on insincerity.
Faking something requires a bit of a "lie".
To Fake something means that you are not sincere. It is to gloss over a very big problem!
Our kids need us to TRULY LOVE THEM from day ONE!

I think "Fake it until you make it" comes from a misunderstanding of love.

LOVE is a verb.... it is doing what is best for your child at all times.  LOVE believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things and it does NOT fail!
Unconditional LOVE does not expect. Unconditional LOVE is not based upon what somebody else can give back... it is FREELY GIVEN. PERIOD.  It does not only act when a "feeling" is there.
It acts unconditionally, and then the feeling follows, if it weren't there already.
Strangers have to have time to get to know each other!
Unconditional love forgives WITHOUT condition!
Unconditional LOVE does not worry about "Me Time", but gains strength from the LORD, to press on and be refreshed.  HE refreshes us.  If we try to please ourselves..... it just doesn't work.
There is a difference between escaping because we feel we deserve the things we no longer indulge in and miss them, than taking time alone for reflection and seeking the Lord for strength and peace in the midst of a storm.
One is escape... the other is a filling up. 
I know that when I feel my tank beginning to run on empty, I need to spend some time in devotion, prayer, reflection, reading and just quiet to gain strength and energy.

There are times when we don't HAVE the means or ability to fill up by having any quality alone time. That is when I think of Susanna Wesley, the mother to the famous Theologian John Wesley.
She had 19 children, but only 10 of them lived.  So with 10 children running around, and a husband that was many times absent, her life was very difficult.  She resorted to putting her apron over her head to signal to the children that she was praying. 

When babies are born to us, it takes time to know them. We learn all about their little personalities over the months and years as they are growing and developing.  It is not much different for our children who come to us through adoption. We get to know them over the months and years.

Just as we do with babies, we check them out.... look that their sweet expressions, movements, laughs, giggles, and sweet babbles.... we do this with our older children who come home to us through adoption.  We fall in love with their laugh, smile, mannerism, giggle, sense of humor, and each part of their personality.

We know that our children didn't get to the place they are emotionally, overnight;  and they will also not heal, overnight, because they are with us.
For Miss Alli, when she came home, 11/11ths of her life was CHAOS and TRAUMA after TRAUMA.  It would have been quite unreasonable for us to expect that she be all healed up just because we took her to Chuck E. Cheese, bought her new clothes or gave her a nice bed to sleep in.  It would be RIDICULOUS to expect that she would NOT see us suspectfully, waiting for the next rejection.
AND THAT is why as PARENTS we cannot take a child who is afraid to attach, personally. IT IS NOT PERSONAL, IT IS TRAUMA.

 REMEMBER, it was not necessarily THEIR choice to come into a new family.  The other side of being adopted, is being rejected. BONDING to our children is a CHOICE by US!  Our children attach to us... because they feel our love and acceptance for them. I am not talking about perfection here, or an oozing over with gushing feelings of adoration.   If your child has come to you through adoption, they are a stranger!

What does loving a stranger look like?  It is doing what is best for your child at all times.
It is choosing to see the good things and have those in the forefront of your mind and not the bad.
It is studying that child, getting to know them, what makes them happy, sad, fearful, joyful, delightful.   It is allowing your heart to have NO GUARD on it, and giving yourself over to and making yourself vulnerable to that child. NO HOLDING BACK.   It is cherishing the relationship to come, as you dance through getting to know them. 
When Alli first came home almost 2 years ago, she was a stranger! She lived her first 11 years and 1 month with other people!While we accepted her with open arms into our home, we still did not know her.  Yet we LOVED her greatly! She is the little one the Lord chose to bring to us.  We studied her, talked with her, communed with her, sang to her, rocked her, and even fed her.  As we poured all of ourselves into her, she responded..... at first just a tiny bit, and then a little more, and then she dove into the pool of love to be washed anew with a new perspective on life, parents, and God.We picked something each day to find cute about her, or funny about her. She was spunky and funny, and we loved her laugh.

If you are struggling in this area, it is ok!  It gets better.  We can go to the Lord and He will strengthen us and give us wisdom.
Also, making  a list of all the positive qualities about your child and choosing to love those makes  it much easier to foster positive affection, as opposed to being angry or disappointed and making a list of all the negatives!
When you find yourself admiring something about your child, ad something else to that list! :)
Don't fake love.... GIVE YOUR GENUINE LOVE!
It is VERY important that we put  all preconceived ideas of what our future child will be like and instead, prepare for the child that God has chosen for us, warts and all, because we all have MANY flaws!
I remember talking to Sarah's family, and the idea of preconceived dreams of what she would be like was a HUGE factor.  She was NOT who they had built up in their minds for her to be like.  The "Romance" of adoption quickly ends and reality sets in.  Don't prepare for for adoption with the emphasis on clothing, bedding and new paint.  Prepare your heart for the LIFE you will share together with somebody very special that the Lord has brought into your life!  Prepare to be humbled, broken,  strengthened and given such JOY, as you find your way through the Journey in Christ.
Sorrow and Suffering are sometimes your friends, as with Much Afraid in the alagorical book "Hinds Feet on High Places", but remember...... Sorrow and Suffering, turn into Gladness and Joy!

If you are having a difficult time, seek the Lord to give you wisdom and show you how to minister to your child.  Ask the Lord to reveal your own sin, so you can confess it and heal from it, and then see clearly how to minister to your child.

We are all on this journey together! 
NO FAKE NEEDED! :)

Back In The Saddle

 If you have been following our blog for the last 22 plus months, you will know that Miss Alli was in 2 other homes, after coming home from Russia, before she came to us.

The last home she was in had horses and mules that she was allowed to ride.  When she was first home, she was very disappointed that she had to leave her horse Rosey, her riding clothes, boots and everything behind.   It was hard for her.

We thought about taking her to the nearest horse stable, but after learning more about her, we decided that could have probably been the worst thing we could have done. 
She needed to get to know us, and us her. And we needed to become a family.

I started looking for a place for her to ride last year and found a place about 10 minutes from our home!  She hadn't asked about horses in a long time, so I figured THAT was the best time to surprise her.
She was THRILLED!
She can go on a 1 hour trail ride for 25 dollars.  She just has to let them know ahead of time that she is coming. :)

IT'S ANNIVERSARY TIME!

It is Alli's big Anniversary time. She has SO MANY anniversaries, they are hard to keep up with, but her birthday is just around the corner, and our coming together is not much further away.  So, of course, that internal clock is ticking LOUDLY!

We had another  incident last night with some bossiness that I have not seen since August!
I expected that old behaviors would come back to visit, and was surprised that they didn't at Christmas time!  
My fingers were crossed for Birthday time..... but they are uncrossed now. LOL

I handled the bossiness very much like I did in my last post.... and when things were calm, she did ask, "What am I doing wrong?"  Sometimes when our kids get in a funk, they don't recognize it.... ESPECIALLY if it has to do with more abstract things like tone.

So we sat together and I told her very matter of factly what she was doing wrong about her bossiness. I used humor to demonstrate it.  Her response was, "I don't sound like that!" 
Ummm. yes dear, you do! :)

I mentioned the incident earlier  where she shut down, and told her that these behaviors have not been around to visit us in quite a while! Can you tell me what is going on in your heart?
As we spoke, I mentioned to her that it is normal to be anxious sometimes. 
"Can you tell me what is on your mind?"
At first she said, no.  We waited a few minutes and then she said yes.

She spoke quietly, with her head down.... "I've been thinking about my other brother and sister all day.  I miss them.  And then she began to cry.... And I've been thinking about my mama.
Of course, our family is so weird, I had to ask, "Which one?" After All, I'm number FOUR!  :)
She looked at me and smiled .... "My first mama, in Russia."

I took her in my arms and said, "Of COURSE you are thinking about them!" 
"It is close to your birthday and you came from your mama's body!  It is where your little life began! I am so thankful that you were born!"
"I want you to know, IT IS OK, to love them!"  "IT IS OK TO LOVE THE MAMA WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!" 
"Your birth mama was an alcoholic, and had many problems, but that does not mean she didn't have love for you!" "Of course she did!"
(Alli has several precious memories of time with her birth mama, cooking, watching her mama by the stove, and walking."
She cried a little bit.  I felt this was a good time to share with her the little bit of information I received a few weeks ago from her first adoptive family.  I had been hoping for a little more information before I shared, but it didn't come.....

I let her know that they are not angry with her, and are very happy that she is happy.
This gave her some much NEEDED relief, because she has hung onto guilt for a long time over her first adoptive family.  The loss of her brother and sister has been great. :(   I pray that at some point, they will be able to exchange letters or even meet.  I pray that when they are all adults, they will be able to reunite in a healthy way.
I TOTALLY understand and respect the first family's need for privacy.  We have needed that privacy too!  But I do pray that at some point, a letter can be sent.....or pictures exchanged. 

After our talk last night, we went through the plans for her upcoming birthday, and what to expect. We talked about the good in her life and how sometimes we can get overwhelmed dwelling on the past, which we cannot change. 
Looking to the future and making the best of the life we have to live, is the best direction for success.
When we give our lives to the Lord, we are RIGHT where he wants us to be!  We can't go forward and see what is ahead, looking in the rear view mirror! :)

Life is a journey.  Alli is like a small rose bud that is just beginning to unfold.   I am excited for her, and the life she has ahead of her. I am proud to be a part of it.  
There are days when we struggle together to keep our eyes on the goal. But through those struggles we learn to be strong.

Yesterday, as we were talking, she mentioned that at 12 years old, you have barely even begun to live your life!  Such wisdom!  She is right.... And we talked about how much of a wonderful life is ahead of her. 
She then revealed to me another little worry.  She had read in an Ewitness Book about being a crime detective, (she likes Nancy Drew), she read about how there was a man who's father was a convict and the son was also a convict....and the book inferred that the son was because his father was...as if it was inevitable.  She was VERY worried about this for obvious reasons!

I told her that some of those opinions are simply Philosophical opinions, NOT based in TRUTH, just some observation.  Just because you were abused does not mean you will abuse.  Just because your parents were alcoholics does not mean you will be an alcoholic. Just because somebody is a thief, it does not mean their child will also be a thief!
These are MEN's Ideas! 
BUT GOD..... is in the business of intervention! He is in the business of taking us from the path we are on; one leading to destruction, and placing us on the path of life! He is in the business of turning us around! 180's!
We are ALL capable of walking a path of destruction, including those who come from GOOD homes where there was no addiction or abuse! 
Choosing a different way, making that decision NOW, will lead to a very different circumstance!
CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT REGRET!!

She asked me, "Mama, what do you think I'll be like when I grow up?"
I replied, "I think your are going to be a wonderful and outstanding mama! You are already showing wonderful qualities when you are around little children.  And I think you can do whatever you set your mind to!"
It is TRUE.....  And TRUTH sets us free. :)

A Precious Talk With a Joyful Girl

I took Miss Alli with me to the grocery store today and she was in an especially talkative and joyful mood. :)
When our girls get like this, I know it is time to spend some time just chatting and enjoying their company. It also is a GREAT time to ask questions freely and learn something new about their past.
Today was one of those days, so we took a little detour to Chick Fila and sat and talked for a bit.

Alli was full of joy and humor.  She began to tell me about some of the funny things she remembered and some of the scary things she remembered. But now, they aren't so scary, as if she is reliving them as in a PTSD type moment. Instead, she can put them into perspective.  I am so thankful for the healing she has had in this area! 

Sometimes foods or events can trigger memories. This is what happened today.  Her birthday is coming up and she remembered being treated to a gift at the orphanage.  She only had one birthday at the orphanage and was surprised by a stuffed animal. 
She didn't remember ever having a birthday before. So I asked her, "How did you know how old you were?"   She said, "I used to pester my older sister all the time!" "How old am I?"  And her sister would tell her, until she learned how to remember on her own. :)
(I can SO PICTURE HER DOING THAT!) LOL

She then began to remember waking up one morning and the house was empty.  She was very little. Her brother and sister were gone (maybe at school?)  Her mother was gone and her father was gone. She felt scared.  She also noticed that her mother put a big bag of trash in front of the door, most likely to keep her inside.  She said she remembered, "Oh, I can get out of that!"  And she went outside to play. 
There was a small crawl space under the house she loved to play in, and she remembered getting really mad when she got too big to fit in there. :)
But her friend in the village had an attic play room and she would go there often to play.

She said, "You know mama, I don't ever remember my mama or daddy worrying about where I was, or if I was home or not, even when I was little.  Sometimes we would come home at night, and still, nobody would be home. :(
It dawned on her that we fuss over the girls if we don't know where they are, or if they are out when the street lights come on. 
That used to bother her, but now she is realizing that it is because we love her,care for her and want her to be safe.
She remembers she didn't feel safe; but now she does. :)

Alli was 7 1/2 when she went to the orphanage, and from her descriptions over the last 22 months, it was one of the better orphanages.  She remembers wonderful food the most! She has no memories of eating at home, except a memory about her mother bringing home pickles and her baby brother being very excited. She said he couldn't wait to get them.  She also remembers helping her mama cook, but just doesn't remember eating.  She was often hungry.

In the orphanage she said there was hot water but the girls had to bathe in a group and her sister would help to wash her hair.  She said some of the girls wouldn't come into the shower.

She remembered getting new playground equipment and having a snow ball fight where a boy put snow down her shirt.   She said she felt like slugging him. :)  That's my Alli! LOL

She was in the orphanage a little less than 2 years.  Her next memories were of traveling to meet the family that would bring her and her brother and sister to America.  Her baby brother was adopted by a Russian Family.
She feels badly that she can no longer remember what his name was, but she thinks it might have been something like Kolya.

On the way home, after getting beans for bean soup that she has been longing for, we looked at each other in the car and she smiled and took my hand.  I told her, "Oh, how I wish I could have held you and known you when you were so very little."  She said, "Me too mama..... but we have each other now! It's ok!"
It was a good talk. :)

Trauma and Holidays

I have written about our children's internal clock, and how Holidays can wreak havoc on a child who has suffered much in life.
We are not strangers to Trauma, or Anniversaries.   Those anniversaries are usually not positive!  They bring back memories and our children suffer so.

Over the years, I have found that preparing our children for the holidays ahead of time, helps with the impact of the Anniversary.

Two of our daughters LOVE Holidays and Birthdays!  One of our daughter's likes the holiday time, but has so many hurtful memories.  And then one of our daughters would prefer that Holidays didn't exist.   It is a stressful time for her.

We have done our best to rewrite memories that are good and her memories of good times at Holidays are there.  But what is also there is rejection, pain and the memories of long ago.

Unfortunately, her birthday comes right at the SAME TIME!  She likes her birthday but doesn't like to make a big deal of it. 

There are positive things that can come out of the holidays.  It is a great opportunity to help our children to work through that old trauma!    While it may not be exactly how we would view holidays, they are a perfect time to work on some tough things. :)

So today we had some extra rocking chair time for a couple of girls. 
We talked about what to expect and came up with some positives! 

Now, In the middle of this rocking chair time I was baking like a crazy woman, trying to figure out a new recipe and one of our girls was telling me she wanted a new room mate! LOL
One minute she was playing peacefully and the next she was full of angst.
The room mate request signaled to me a need for a rocking chair experience. 
THAT is when we as parents drop EVERYTHING and focus. It was time to put the baking aside for somebody WAY more important that a perfect pie.

But poor Alli was just so sad that she will not be able to see her other brother and sister.  She was mournfully blaming herself.... "It is all my fault because I had a bad attitude".  :(
And then I had to carefully work through THAT minefield and tell her NO! It was NOT ALL your fault... HOWEVER, you DID have behaviors that were not appropriate. 
But parents normally don't send their kids away like that.  THAT is NOT your fault!
She went on to say, "I had NO IDEA they would do that!" 
I told her I'm GLAD you had NO idea! Because it isn't normal!
"You had those same behaviors when you came here, and we worked through them, right?"
She smiled and said tearfully, "Thank you for keeping me mommy!"
That broke my heart. :(

I pray that some day when her siblings are older, that they will be able to reconnect.  But for now, that is just not possible.

I reassured her at the same time that I believe she is where she belongs.  She agreed and said something very profound.... "Mama, I don't think I could have healed if I hadn't come here."
And then I got the biggest hug ever... and a big smile....
It was a sweet time. :)

I hugged our other girl and rocked her after that.  And we talked all about the plans for the weekend.  She managed some sweet snuggles, I love you's and smiles. :)

I took one of our girls out and talked about what the plans were for the weekend.  We also joked that when she was older, she just might spend Holidays camping or on a cruise! LOL  She loved that idea.

It is really important for us to accept our children where they are.  There is no moral dilemma with being stressed by Holidays.
We have a huge family, and it can be stressful for one of our daughters in particular. At the same time, she really does enjoy the time, just in smaller bites. :)
She LOVES her little nephews and nieces and and can be found entertaining them.
And then.... she'll slip off to read or write.... and that is OK!

Do not let relatives pass judgment on your children.  Encourage your children to be polite and kind, but don't force them to be fake.
Things are much more peaceful that way.

Everybody is tucked in and the last of the baking is going on......
Praying for those of you who's children suffer during the Holidays.

An Alli Update..... Almost 21 months home. :)

I have to say, we are ENJOYING our Alli time. :)
Many of you have followed us from the day she came into our lives.  March 2, 2011 was the day we arrived in NC to pick her up.

These last almost 2 years have been so amazing.  I have learned SO MUCH! 
HONESTLY and TRULY.... I was afraid.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what path our lives would take.
I read blogs and information all the time that would have suggested we were in for DARK TIMES that would never go away.

But then.... that is just FEAR talking.  It TRULY IS. 

I was talking to our Social Worker friend tonight about another child who is being disrupted. It was so sad to think of yet another child, having to start over AGAIN. :(  Yet as we talked to each other,  we were so happy to be a PART of Alli's story.... together.  That is how God uses each one of us! We each play a part in the life of another. 
 I am THANKFUL we get to play the "Parent" part. :)  Actually , we are the REAL DEAL.... the REAL PARENTS and I am so thankful to be mama to an INCREDIBLE daughter; actually to 4 incredible DAUGHTERS and 4 incredible SONS!:)

Alli is HOME.  Alli is FUNNY and LOVING and CARING and SENSITIVE and INQUISITIVE and ADORABLE. 
THAT IS OUR ALLI!
And she is NOT AFRAID to try new things. 

She decided to try her hand an embroidery and created a design by herself and started to work on it!
WOW!
She is headed full force into the Holiday season holding her head up high!  She is REALLY excited about getting another Christmas Ornament for the Tree. :) 

I pray that the young man who is without parents as of tonight, finds LOVING parents who will take care of him and help him to heal.

The Dentist.....

Erika and Alli had dental appointments yesterday afternoon.  I was really surprised that BOTH of them had 3 cavities!  They actually high fived each other for having the same amount! LOL

Erika's were tiny.... But Alli's were bigger and in a really odd place; behind her front tooth and the tooth next to it.  It was much larger and only in SIX MONTHS! Yikes!

So we did Erika's fillings yesterday, and brought Alli back today to do her fillings. 

When Alli first came home, she had 7 cavities filled.  Her teeth were a mess.  She insisted on having her teeth filled without novacaine.  She did really well having them do that... but I thought it odd that she would want to do it that way. I watched the entire process and she was a rock!

THIS TIME however..... she said, "I want to be numbed."  But... she is very afraid of needles.
She asked me to go back with her and sit with her which I did.  We have a great dentist that allows patients and parents to be real. :)

I could see her face full of fear when that needle showed up.  We had her watch a movie and she had little tears when the novacaine was administered.... and then the drilling started....

She had to have the procedure stopped a couple of times because she just wasn't numb enough.  FINALLY she was numb enough, but she needed mom to hold her hands.

I was analyzing this whole appointment and looking at the difference between the two drilling episodes.  The first time, when she had been home just 6 weeks, she was brave and independent; putting on a strong front.  THIS time, she was vulnerable and showing emotion, letting me know she was scared.  This was a MUCH more REAL experience than the one before.

I found it comforting to know that she is allowing herself the luxury of  feeling vulnerable; and to let others know she needs me too.  She was not faking being brave.  She instead was herself, and it was precious.  She hung onto my hands like there was no tomorrow! :)

I came home and told Mike about it and he had the same thoughts. She is HOME.... WAY HOME! :)

So, all those teeth are now filled and HOPEFULLY we will not have more cavities!  That is wishful thinking, I am sure! :) 
But the dentist visit was a confirmation of what has been a reality in our home for a while.  Miss Alli has had GREAT HEALING in her life.  She is settled and she is TRUSTING her mama and daddy. She is not afraid to show her real self.  And she is comforted by mom and dad. :)