STOP! DROP! and ROLL! : Putting Out Spiritual Fires

We have all learned the meaning to Stop! Drop! and Roll! It has to do with what you do when there is a fire and YOU catch on fire. You do not run, you stop, drop to the ground and roll to put the fire out.
The other night I was thinking of a way to remind us of when we are sinning out of habit. Maybe we are teasing another, or gossiping or thinking about things we shouldn't. How can we catch ourselves and solve the problem? Last night I came up with this!

We must Stop what we are doing! We know when we are sinning. STOP!

We should Drop what we are doing and pray. We can ask the Lord to give us wisdom and forgiveness! James says in chapter 1:5-6 "If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God who gives to all liberally and without reproach. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

And lastly ROLL through the word. Study the scripture for wisdom! We can Study to learn the way the Lord wants us to live! 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says "All scripture is God-Breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Thy WORD is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path!

Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

REPENTANCE AND MOTHERHOOD

I don't know of any mother who goes into motherhood with ill intentions.  I don't know any mother who goes into motherhood NOT wanting to do her very best for her children!

Yet, EACH of us, no matter our age or how far we are into the journey of motherhood have GUILT over decisions we may have made, over convictions we once held and hold no more, or because we have woefully failed in our personal struggle with patience, kindness and gentleness.

Let's face it.... PARENT HOOD IS HARD!  As much as we love it.... It is HARD.

I was reading Sarah Mae's post today and was sent back to that time when I had a house full of toddler boys.  Each of them did the "toddler thing"..... Got out of bed, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to say goodnight one last time.  Each of them were put back to bed, sometimes not so patiently.... but one.... probably my most needy one didn't respond well to that.
He WANTED to be with me. He NEEDED me....  I NEEDED to fold laundry, and rest to get prepared for the next day of exhaustion.
My bright idea?  Instead of spending that extra snuggle time with him?  I put up 2 baby gates so he couldn't climb over the one I had already put up.  I left his door open, and allowed him to play quietly until he fell asleep..... but I DID NOT fulfill HIS NEED for me to be present with him.

(a basket full of boys)

And I have GUILT.  Because of  what I KNOW NOW.....At that time, I thought it was pretty clever.... And now, I feel like I was a miserable failure to him then.  Could my insight THEN have prevented his TEMPER TANTRUMS and FRUSTRATION that followed him into his 3's?  I guess there is no real way to know that.  But my gut tells me YES.

We all do the best with the information we have.  We carry into motherhood our past, our upbringing, what others have taught us, and what we know to be true in our hearts.
We carry our OWN baggage and GOD USES that baggage to teach us to trust him, slowly helping us unpack those bags and take upon ourselves, Christ. 

He Heals our hearts, our wounds, and if we LET HIM, HE TEACHES us a better way.... it is THERE, PLAIN TO SEE in scripture.... His love letter to us.

Guilt does not serve a purpose but to cause us heartache and grief and to focus on our own failures. 
REPENTANCE however, changes what we do and causes us to look forward, and DO BETTER, trusting in the ONE who can forgive, teach and guide!
Guilt stagnates us. REPENTANCE brings about change in us.

I have learned so much since I was a young mother to 4 little boys at the age of 24.  I wish I could raise them all over again. Those gates would have come down. I would have let the laundry go and studied them  a little more. 

I am so thankful for  what the LORD has taught me, THROUGH my boys and my girls!

Mom Dad and Me Books: Updated

I wrote about Mom Dad and Me books, here.
We have consistently used our books at least on a weekly basis, sometimes daily.  It is funny how you can get into a routine and each of our girls is different how they use them. 
We have talked about delicate girl things, or we have even told jokes to each other.  But the great thing is, everybody is using them, and everybody seems to like them. :)

If you haven't tried something like this, I encourage you to  do it.  Writing encouraging words to your children can never be wrong. They can even go back and read your kind words again and again. 
If they are sad, and not ready to talk, sometimes they are ready to write.  If they are embarrassed, they will write, if they are happy, they will write. 

Spelling does not matter in these books and it is not corrected.    If things become dormant, all it takes is mom or dad writing a word of encouragement, and the writing begins once again.

If anybody started to use the idea, how has it gone?  Has it made a difference?

I Just Love The Adorables

I call Marcus and Ivy, Will and Charlie, the Adorables.  Soon, little Olivia will be here to join them, and she will be just as adorable as they are.  Ivy wrote a very important post tonight and I wanted to share it.
You can read it HERE.... and I'll put in in repost here:

Sweet dreams

One thing that is very important to me as a mommy is to make sure my babies go to bed feeling very loved and very secure.  I find that night can feel lonely and I don't want my babies ever feeling alone.

So other than praying with them, cuddling and giving tons of kisses.  I have special little things that I do with them.  Every night I say to Will
"I loved you today more than I loved you yesterday.
And tomorrow I am going to love you even more than I loved you today!
Every day I love you more and more--
More than ever before!"
And now that he has it memorized he repeats it with me.  Then I always act surprised and ask, "how did you know?!"  "because I am so smart!" he says.

Charlie's language is just not there yet for something like that.  So I just tell him every night that he is a gift from God to me.  He laughs and says, "noooooo..... Will gift!"  He is just so precious; I could eat him up.

My children really are a blessings and I love each one so so so so much.
Oh how I love my daughter in law Ivy. :)  She captures motherhood so very well, and shows that mommys are so very important to their little ones.  She leads them in rituals that to some, don't seem important, but in reality..... She is having a very powerful effect on her babies. (our babies) :)

I read an article today on brain function and how children who are not snuggled, cuddled, nurtured are forever changed in the brain.  It was a NYtimes article.
The article states that the lack of nurturing and care in the early years, can have catastrophic effects on a person.
I am SOOOO GLAD that Will, Charlie and Olivia, will not have the experience of a lack of love or attention, because Marcus and Ivy fully recognize their role and responsibility as parents.
Raising emotionally healthy children is one of the most important things a person can do.... Those children, will rule the world someday.... :)

Who knows, between all those grandsons I may know who to vote for eventually! :)

An Answer to a Question

I wrote this post last February, regarding discipline and  punishment.  I was looking for something this a.m. and came across a question that did not get answered. I intended to answer, and then simply forgot! So sorry!

Since that time, I have found a few others who can answer way better than I can.
I came across the book from Clay Clarkson called "Heartfelt Discipline". Clay is a dedicated man of the Word and husband to Sally Clarkson who has written several books on motherhood.
 I have also read Samuel Martin's book "They Rod and They Staff They Comfort Me"
and a few other bloggers along the way. :)

So here goes:

Randy and Audrey said...

I enjoy reading your blog and admire your parenting style. I will admit to being somewhat confused on the spanking issue... I was spanked as a child and don't feel damaged in any way as a result of it :) but neither can I say that spanking makes a lot of sense to me (especially when dealing with traumatized children). But how do you interpret Scripture that speaks of "beating with the rod" Proverbs 23:13-14, "the rod of correction" Proverbs 22:15, etc.? I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on these verses.

 The first verse is:
Do not withhold ndiscipline from a child;

oif you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

14  If you strike him with the rod,

you will psave his soul from Sheol. 

Well, it is not true that if you strike him with a rod he will not die if your name is Lydia Schatz, Hana Williams, Sean Paddock or any number of other children who have been struck with rods.  It is also not true that you can beat a child and save his soul!  The only saving of the soul comes from the MERCY AND GRACE of the Lord Jesus Christ through HIS sacrificial death on the cross for the remission of sin! So this verse must have a different meaning than what is read at face value.

Samuel Martin covers this VERY WELL in his book.  The Word Sheol means grave. (correct me Samuel if I am wrong here)  It does NOT mean HELL as we would think.

What the verses are saying is DISCIPLINE (TEACH) your son right from wrong and you will save him from his own foolishness and early death! 

The other word "CHILD" in the original language is NOT a little CHILD! It is a YOUNG MAN between 16 and 26.  

Proverbs was written to young men.

The other verse:  Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,

but nthe rod of discipline drives it far from him. 

Again, NAAR is the original word. It is a YOUNG MAN.... though our children can also be full of folly.  Here, the ROD of Discipline is being used  figuratively.  Discipline IS the Rod.  Correction IS the rod.  

Discipline, to come along side, teach, instruct IS a rod! 

I will not argue that scripture has no place for corporal punishment. It does.  But I would truly ask that all these scriptures (the rod verses in Proverbs) be applied with the WHOLE counsel of the word of God... not just a few verses separated out.

If these verses are to be used literally.... then my next question would be, why are we not stoning still?  Scripture certainly, CLEARLY states it!

Eli, refused to discipline His sons and they were punished directly by God. He ended their lives, and Eli's line.  God waited over 40 YEARS for Eli to discipline his sons. He did nothing. He didn't tell them they were wrong for offering profane fire before the Lord or any number of other things they were doing.  God spoke to him and told him he would judge them and Eli did nothing still. 

THIS is an example of what scripture says "He who doesn't discipline his son hates his son."Eli did not instruct his own sons.  Note also how OLD they were!

I would like to end with a link to Dulce De Leche's blog.  She wrote an EXCELLENT POST called "A good old fashioned stoning!"  

So How Do You Discipline???

I have written and spoken much on what discipline is over the years, but often get this question.  What I am actually being asked is "How do you punish?"  Especially when people find out that we are conservative Christians who are also home educators  and spanking is not a tool we use from
our tool box.

I love having a joyful home! I love watching the girls play and have good relationships with each other, and I love that they have good relationships with Me and Daddy. I love that they have good friends and are willing to share their friends with each other.
We are not a perfect family. Because we are not perfect. :)  But we are happy and we are on a journey together, and we love it.


If you were raised in a strongly punitive oriented family like I was growing up, it is really hard to shift your understanding of discipline and not use it interchangeably with punishment.

People want to know how we take a child who is in a frame of complete selfishness and full of anger, who has no understanding of what a family is, and help them to heal, become part of a family, succeed and be HAPPY!

I like the verse in Romans 12:1-2
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing, you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable and perfect." ESV

Well, it isn't easy. :)  And Romans 12 1-2 is my life line.  I have to be renewed in my heart and my mind. We have to lay down our lives before the Lord, each and every moment of every day.  Each of us.

There is another verse that I love: Romans 2:4 "It's your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh Lord."

And also   Micah 6:8--- "He has shown you, Oh Man, what is Good and What the Lord requires of you. But to do justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

How do these verses relate to punishment?  Or to discipline?
The last verse has effected me so very much in my life.  I can be just, and merciful and humble at the same time.
An example:

I can justly say that one of my children has disobeyed what I asked them to do.
I can mercifully forgive them, because I can humbly see that I have not obeyed perfectly all of what God has given ME to do.
When I cry out to the Lord for forgiveness, he does not turn me away.  If I tell one of my children they are being disobedient, and I patiently wait....they respond fairly quickly.  It would surprise you how even the hardest of hearts can be turned by our own simple humility.

On the practical side to this.  If we want our children to be respectful, we teach them respect, by being respectful.
I remember when Miss Alli came home 8 months ago. She was appauled that she was asked to say yes maam and yes sir, no maam and no sir, please, may I  and thank you.  She thought we were rather nutty. LOL
I remember her saying, "What kind of place is that that I am being treated like a slave, having to say, "YES MAAM".... and she snarled it and made fun of it.. .and it was rather ugly. :(

My  response to her was to teach her right from wrong.  "It is not ok to speak to mommy that way. I know you don't understand this yet, but we are going to work on this every day, because it really isn't ok.  I explained to her how families work together and respect each other. And then I asked her.... "Have you heard mommy say "Yes maam to you?  Have you heard me say please and thank you? Have you heard me ask you "May I brush your hair?"

She thought about it and had a quizzical look on her face and had to say, "Yes."  I told her, "You have lived your first 11 years not understanding that your are missing out on kindness! You have missed out on being respected!   Not only will mommy respect you! You must respect mommy.  That's the deal.....

Lesson over.  She tried from that moment on.  No matter the situation. Angry, happy.... it must be said.  Today, 8 months later. It is automatic.  And I rejoice. :)

So, how do we punish?  Hmmm.  We use what I would call a "naturally RELATED lesson".  It is related TO whatever we are doing.
If you ride off on your bicycle and are not careful.... we have to come in and talk about it, instead of riding bikes. If you do not obey in the store. We go home.  If you don't have your bed made before school. You make it as soon as you get a chance. If you are snotty in the car, we go home.  If you are unable to handle yourself during the day, we don't go anywhere.  Miss Alli has had to miss two play dates because of a bad day.  She knows that I mean what I say and say what I mean.  I do not use that time to punish her further, but to spend real time with her that she needs.  We may take that private time to talk about how our day went and how we can do better.   Much of the time she is actually very calm and sweet, knowing that there is opportunity to try again, and that I have acted out of love towards her to help her.

If I do not feel somebody is ready for a certain activity. I simply tell them.  "I don't think you are ready for this."  "I think this might be too much for you to handle." Or... "Do you think if you were to go there, you could be just as respectful as you are at home?" and see what they say.
We kept Miss Alli with us and did not send her off to her own Sunday School class for 6 months. We did this with our other girls for up to 2 years.   We were criticized for it. So be it.  :)  We knew what the girls could handle. We strive to do things in a way that will help them succeed.

Teaching and requiring kindness is very important.  We do not let the girls get away with being unkind to each other. You may ask... What do you do?  I listen....keeping my ears open.
If I hear anything like that... I may pull somebody aside and say, "How can that be worded differently?"  "Would you want somebody to speak to you the same way?"   If not, how can you change how you are speaking?  A couple of our girls didn't get this at all at first.  It took using the video camera so they could HEAR themselves to show them how things sounded. They didn't like it, and they changed.
BTW- I have done that with myself too. I want to make sure that I am using kindness in my voice and not sounding harsh.

What we do NOT do, is say, "Because you didn't listen, no games or you have to go to your room, or you have to do chores."  These are not related and it is hard for many children to understand.
AND CHORES are part of our everyday life! They are NOT a punishment.  That one was a HARD one to get over with 2 of our girls because they had been punished with chores.  Today, they each happily do their chores.


You may ask.... "What if you MUST get shopping done, or have to go to meet somebody?"
I would ask, "What is more important? The job the Lord has given you to do, in teaching your children? Or making an appt?  Your friend will understand.  You can eat Peanut Butter sandwiches.
But discipling your children cannot be put on the back burner.

One of the most important things we do is to guide our girls to the ONE who can ultimately change us from the inside out.  We do not force. We pray with them often.  Alli thought prayer was silly when she first came home.  Today, she LOVES to pray.
And we also pray ourselves; sometimes out loud when we do not have the answers.  I have asked for the Lord's help when I was frustrated, asking him to give me tenderness, because I feel angry.
There have been times when I have prayed this, and somebody has repented upon the spot, realizing they have been hurtful or unkind.
Our children need to know that their behavior effects others, not just themselves.  Hurtful words hurt others.  And we parents need to remember the exact same lesson!

I want my girls to grow up and remember a loving, tender mother who gently taught them right from wrong and drew respect out of them.

I do not want my children to have behaviors based upon being shamed or afraid.  I want them to obey based upon Love.  Perfect Love casts out fear.

In regards to the child who has a complicated trauma background, and may also have issues with FAS or PTSD, it is really important to take that extra baggage they have brought with them VERY carefully.  Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, works very well for a child who has alcohol/drug exposure. They DO NOT remember easily and do not understand cause/effect, ESPECIALLY if it is not related directly to what they are doing.  That is why a time out, or a loss of priveledge does nothing to effect them. They don't  get it.
For a child who has PTSD, understanding and breathing techniques go a long way. Just sitting in the rocking chair to reboot and try again works well.

And sometimes, when a child gets "STUCK" and you can see in their face they don't want to continue what they are doing, but they are unable to get out of it.... a REBOOT of the brain may be the best thing.  STOP what you are doing.... Say something like, "Let's end this now.  And go outside for a walk or something different.. Do it TOGETHER." You will be surprised how quickly they can gain control and then you can talk about it later.

Ultimately, It is our desire to lead our girls to drink from the waters of life. We can lead them there, but we cannot force them to drink. That is between them and the giver of that life giving water. :)

All we can do as parents is to lay our lives down for our children. We can lead them and guide them. But the end result is between them and the Lord.  As a parent, you cannot guarantee that if you do xyz- your kid will turn out perfect.  But you can give them every opportunity to succeed.
At the same time... if things are not going well at all, doing the same thing you have always done will not bring about new fruit.  It may be time for a change. The change has to start with US, as parents.
Remember the ole' "Don't try to remove the speck from your brother's eye when you have a BEAM in your own."


The other day, I had a conversation with somebody who presented an issue with their child and asked what I would do.  When I got home, I asked Miss Alli what she thought; being discreet.  She said, "Do they pray mama? It will be really hard if they don't pray."
Out of the mouths of babes. :)

Healing

Healing hurts.  There is pain before gain.  

We had a really good talk yesterday with Miss Alli.  She had a bit of a rough afternoon and I could see in her face that she didn't want to have a rough afternoon, she just couldn't seem to get out of it.

As I was talking with her, my heart once again broke for her. She said, "Mama, I don't know what to do! I don't want to be this way, but I am." 
That is when I could really talk with her.  She said in her heart she starts to fear that nobody cares about her.  Of COURSE she does! Because for her, that is how her first 11 years felt.  We have just had her 6 months.
She said that most of the time when she gets upset, it has to do with that very issue; feeling like nobody cares.  And her biggest fear is that we will send her away.
She told us yesterday. You are different parents. You are the most different parents I have ever had. That statement made me sad.  How many kids have the life experience to have to say that? :/  When she called us different, she meant it in a good way. She truly does love us. We know she does. She shows it in many, many ways and I should probably blog about it more. :)

I told her, "Sweetie, you are not a visitor.  You are MY DAUGHTER, just as if I had birthed you myself.  I don't see you any other way. I love you the same as if you were born to me. You are a part of me, a part of my heart. On the worst of days, I have never EVER thought one time about sending you anywhere! EVER, EVER, EVER! 
We are on the same team.  I am not against you. I am FOR you. ALL THE WAY TILL THE DAY I DIE.  I am FOR YOU.
As she pondered my words, tears welled up in her eyes and we began to work out some strategy to help her when she starts to get stuck, to prevent it from happening in the first place.

Mike and I along with Alli had a snuggle time and a time of prayer this a.m.  at about 6:15.  She was UP and ready. And then,  later in the morning, I had an opportunity to use that strategy we planned the day before.  It was a simple, "Remember....I care."  And that was enough to circumvent an incident that could have resulted in talking back and defensiveness.

I am witnessing a miracle take place in Alli's life.   Her very presence in our home is a miracle. The healing, DEEP healing that is taking place in her life, is amazing to watch.  6 months ago, we started on the basic things of getting over the shock of being moved yet again, and of all the things that happened TO her.....Now we are working on healing WITHIN her.  She knows that there is much to learn and discover about herself and what makes her tick.  Even though she is just 11, there are times where she is able to understand and comprehend way beyond her years. Yesterday was one of those times. :)
She is so smart and sweet and beautiful and I just KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW, she is going to succeed! She is going to make it! And she is going to live a happy, healthy and productive life.

Memories

I wrote earlier this month about "The Unseen Clock".
I am going to extrapolate a little more on this issue as it is relevant in our family right now. :)

I just want to say, I am learning so much right now about trusting in my Lord.  I have been called again and again to my knees to seek wisdom, and I believe the Lord has heard my prayers and granted me what I have needed to parent our sweet little Alli.

Alli is the youngest child in our family. She has been home a little over 6 months. She is also the oldest child we have adopted. She was adopted at 11 years old.  Much of her life has been a mix of abuse, neglect and family changes.
For those who do not think adoption dissolution/disruption effects children who are unattached or RAD, and they are just resillient and don't care..... I will say, It DOES effect them deeply, and They ARE resillient and they DO care DEEPLY. :)

I am starting to believe that children who are considered RAD, are actually very sensitive children who lash out when they think they are going to be rejected or hurt once again. They try to reject because the pain of being loved and then losing that love is just too great for them to bear. I do realize I am making a broad generalization that may not fit others who have children with mental illness.... but I am speaking from my own experience with 2 children who were determined RAD, 1 with attachment issues, one from Eastern Europe who has had almost no issues and 4 bio sons who were abandoned and rejected by their bio father and then adopted by Mike.
Yes our son Joseph, would have been considered RAD when he was little and he fits the very M.O. I am portraying.
Each and every time we respond in a negative way towards our hurting children, such as being impatient, that is another brick that seals them in a personal hell that they can't understand and are to confused to get out of.

When they think we do not understand them, and ESPECIALLY when we ASSUME how they are feeling or the REASON BEHIND something they have done, they feel betrayed and unloved. (That is one of the reasons I DO NOT believe that children are manipulating, but very may well be trying to control out of sheer fear.)
Many things are interpreted in their hearts all day long in a maze of reasoning that We as regular old mom and dad or sister and brother do not get.

One of the most important pieces of information I have ever come across in regards to confusing behaviors has been about the internal clock that our kids have regarding trauma.  When that timer goes off, they may be interpreting EVERYTHING based upon a feeling they had years ago that they cannot understand.
One of the great things about adopting an older child, is she can tell us a LOT. :) She has a very good and acute memory.  That can also be hard on her because she has a LOT to remember.... or forget!
She won't forget.  We just need to make new memories, especially during those times that the alarm has sounded. :)

I always get a little nervous writing about this stuff, as I don't want my readers to interpret that we are always having issues. We are not.  Most of the time we are sailing in fairly smooth waters. And then BAM... it gets rather choppy.  I don't like the choppy.  But that is where healing takes place.

We have all gotten into a pretty good routine around here.  Today was a really great day.... and then suddenly.... it wasn't.  Miss Alli became defensive about not wanting to drill with her sisters for science.  She sat in the hallway and began to mourn.  You don't treat me the same as you do my sisters. You love them more than me. They don't like me anymore. They used to play with me and now they don't.  They don't play with toys anymore.... I am over my cold... and then, when I tried to talk to her, I was met with a brick.  WHY?

The WHY is, because I was not listening. I was getting ready to prepare an accurate and true defense and that is not what she needed IN that MOMENT.  She needed me to hear her heart and fears.

We were getting ready for a play date, so I gave her about 10 minutes to decide if she was going to comply with the rest of our study time, or not take part in the play date, not because she was being punished, but because she was in no frame of mind for a play date.

She didn't decide. So I decided for her. She would stay with me, and I would take the girls to their play date and drop them off.  My friend Deanne is SO understanding when it comes to my quirky parenting. :)  Thanks Deanne. :)

When we were on our way to the play date, I saw my precious Sarah  smile at Alli and then put her arm around her and give her a huge hug. Alli started to weep. 

Alli was sobbing by the time we drove off. She really needed some calm time.  I shocked her by not taking her home and putting her in her room or forcing her to talk to me.....
I had been praying all along and Grace and Mercy came to mind.  God is so gracious and merciful to me, a sinner, and I STILL SIN.... and HE STILL forgives.

So, we drove to the Sonic drive in and I bought her a coke. (I'm not supposed to be having coke, but I did.... and it was GOOD!) :)
I didn't have to say anything.  I was in a state of listening and she poured her heart out.

Her first question:  Am I leaving?
NO! You are NEVER leaving.  We love you.  It seems like it is time, because last time, I had a cold. (she did) And I had a cold at the first family, and I also had a cold when I went to the orphanage. (I checked her paperwork and it was true)  "And I remember my nose hurt from blowing it!"  And my nose hurts now from blowing it.... and it hurt when you came  to get me..... and her FLAWED logic flowed from her like the best of algebraic equations.  The problem was, her hypothesis was flawed.
She actually said, "Everytime I get a cold and sore nose, I have to leave."
Now I can see why she would think this! LOL

All I could do was hug her and reassure her.
And then came the next statement.  "The other family didn't want me anymore. (the first one) They only wanted my sister really. They told me that."

I threw up another emergency prayer and waited a minute..... and then the words came.....
"Alli, We chose YOU.  When we got the call for you.... it was all about YOU and nobody else... We CHOSE TO LOVE YOU!"  And the tears of healing flowed.

And then the issue of sisters who don't play with toys anymore came up.  I was able to share my own experiences of being the little sister with sisters who no longer played with toys. It wasn't because they didn't want to play with ME, but because they are getting older. That's all.
I mentioned to her Sarah's sweet hug and she smiled and said, "It made me feel good and I started to cry and I don't know why."
Maybe it is because she is experiencing genuine love. :)

I think her feelings about the girls not playing much were valid.  They do need to consider playing Barbies with their little sister. :) It is OK to play, even if you think you are too old. :) That sort of kindness can go a long way.

Alli and I wandered into a really cool store and looked at some things as we continued to talk. And then we headed back to the play date. She seemed happy and calm....
At that time, I addressed the issue of not joining us for science.
"Mom, I'm really sorry.  I'll try harder."
I told her, "Sweetie, when you are fearing you are going to leave, you are going to HAVE to FIGHT IT! Fight it with ALL YOUR MIGHT.... when the enemy whispers in your ear, "They don't love you, or you're leaving", say it ISN'T SO! Because it ISN'T!

Today, we came a little closer to our sweet baby  knowing she is here forever.  The REAL forever.
6 months is not long.  She has TRULY come so far. I know I say that alot, but it is TRUE. :)

Her final question to me was: "Who's fault was it that I had to go to the orphanage? My mother's or my father's?  What heart wrenching discussions.
You know, I can't even remember how I answered that.... but she was in a secure place emotionally when we went swimming. :)

My beautiful sweet baby girl. :)

A Breath of Fresh Air

Over the last week or two I have seriously needed a breath of fresh air...a new desire, a refreshing of my spirit. 
I have had to come to terms with my own frailness, inability, insecurity, and lay them before the Lord.
I needed to be washed in the Word  and renewed in my heart and mind.

There are times when it is just so hard, dealing with pain, both physical pain for me, and emotional pain for some of my girls, which is also emotional pain for me and for Mike.

Sometimes I get lazy, and can fall back on old ideas.... I knew yesterday I was at that point. I went into the office and told Mike, "maybe she just needs an old fashioned SPANKING!"   This coming out of my mouth, reflected in Mike's face....

 LOL  and then his wise words.... "and how would that help?" :)It wouldn't, in fact I KNEW it would only cause hurt and would not build relationship or communication.

So, I became very aware that I was trying to parent on my own strength. This is something I do NOT want to do!
The thing is..... nothing that has been happening under this roof is unusual or out of the ordinary! It is just kid stuff, a little bit of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) thrown in here and there with FASD, Dyslexia, language differences, math problems,  and some preteen stuff to boot, X's 4. :)

You're darn tootin' I better be on my knees! LOL  But I wasn't. Not like I should have been.  And you know what?  I was not responding like I should have when little situations popped up.  I found myself reacting, being impatient, I found myself requesting respect , being demanding...... and I found that I didn't like what I was seeing either in result or personally.  Demanding respect seems so silly to me. It is EXTERNAL.... when what we really desire is an INWARD respect and desire to honor father and mother.  That is the LONG term goal.  Short term demands can be detrimental to long term desires. 

As I began to weep sob in the privacy of my room and repent, I found renewed strength. As I began to confess my mistakes, SIN, before the Lord, my spirit was lifted up, and I was renewed so that I could be the mom GOD has called me to be.


It was so interesting seeing everything just LINE UP in an amazing way yesterday afternoon, which has carried into today. :)  In fact, today has been a GREAT day!

I think our failures are not the end of the world though.... I think our children can learn from US, in how we deal with our own sin and our own baggage.
I talk a lot about MODELING, and that is exactly what happened.  They began to model me, once again. In fact, they were modeling me all along! Yikes....

Last night also resulted in our little Alli, truly confessing her heart and sin, and really discussing it well. We got a VERY strong sense from her that she really wants to do well, and she DOES.... she just gets stuck sometimes and sometimes needs a manual reboot. :)
She needs ME to guide her, and I can't do that if I'm stuck at the bottom of the cliff with her!

Who's gonna hold the rope?? LOL

So today, I feel so refreshed. I am so thankful for a godly husband who is MY anchor too.  He loves all his girls. :)

This was a very good lesson for me, that I MUST remember from WHOM my strength comes!
I am but dust.

Mom, Dad and Me Books

The other day I was thinking about what an important job it is to communicate with my girls.  Sometimes they don't ask things, because they don't want somebody else to hear their question, or they are too shy. 
I remember longing to talk with somebody when I was a young teen. There is such a need at that age to connect, to feel like you aren't alone, to be reassured!  I was such a gawkly, awkward kid at this age. I wasn't a beautiful girl.... I was taller than all the boys, skinny, and insecure. I had thoughts that were deep and grown up, and thoughts that were rather childish....

All weekend I was trying to figure out another avenue to communicate.  We take the girls out alone  1 time each month, and that is really fun! Sometimes they go alone to the grocery store, and that is fun too....but sometimes they need more.
So, I came up with a Diary of sorts. It is a 3 way diary between Mom, Dad and each of our girls.
I purchased them each a theme book, on sale for 40 cents! (score!) 

The idea is that they will write an entry each day. It doesn't have to be a question; maybe a compliment or a complaint. It could even be a poem or a serious pondering.  And then, mom and dad will write something back.

I am really looking forward to them communicating freely with both of us.  They already do for the most part, but I can tell there are times they want to say something and hold back.  I hope this will be an avenue to help them get around their shyness or awkwardness.

Today, each of my girls thoughtfully wrote something in their book, and placed them on my desk to read for later. 
It is so precious to see their words. It was clear on the very first day that this is going to be a GOOD thing! :)
And now, I need to go and ponder one of the questions! LOL

THE FAMILY JEWELS

 Several years ago, Aunt Carla purchased these for us for Christmas.... We still have them.
Today, Miss Alli was in a bit of a "mood" and talked back.  When I asked her to please not talk
back, she said, "I can't help it! I can't just NEVER talk back....."    It was one of those moments of being right and WRONG!
Yes dear, I understand that you will most likely have another moment of talking back, but that does not mean you can INDULGE just because you know it will happen again.

So, I asked her to sit down by me. I was not prepared to speak, and I needed her to patiently wait until I could come up with some sort of wisdom to impart to her.  She sat, and waited..... I asked her..... "Do you know what it is to be punished?"  She said yes! I was punished ALL the time before!
UGH

No, I mean do you know what it is to be punished properly?  She said no....... (me digging hole)

So, why was  I headed down the punishment road?  Most likely because I was irritated.
 And that is not a reason to punish.

Which brings me to why I don't really punish..... HOWEVER, we do discipline! 

Having her sit next to me and patiently wait, was most likely the best thing, because she calmed down.  She also saw that I don't always have instant answers.......

I figured some humor was needed, so I asked her....."Miss Alli, have you ever viewed the Family Jewels?"  She said, no....insert  puzzled look....
So I got out the jewels from my desk drawer where they have been nestled for years. :)  I carefully opened the box and said, "THESE are the FAMILY JEWELS!"
I lowered my voice to a "MYSETERIOUS and SERIOUS" tone and whispered, "watch carefully".....
I took the jewels into my hand and rotated them around and she could hear them make music.... and then I said, "A-HA!  I've got it!"
She had a surprised look on her face! "What mama!"
How about if YOU don't talk back to mama! How about if you DON'T use excuses when you do and instead say, 'I'm Sorry! And also ask the Lord to help you!"
She had this big smile and said, Ok mama.

I placed the jewels back into the container and then Miss Alli gave me a hug and said, "Mama, I really am sorry! I don't know why I did that. I'll try harder."

And that is ALL I wanted to hear. :)

And then she asked.... "Can I hold those?"   LOL

Catching GOOD Behavior

I have not posted much about this before, but figured now is as good a time as any. :)
When the boys were little, I used to WAIT to see them doing something good, such as: sharing, listening, obeying, making their bed, putting clothes away, doing a good job on a chore, etc.... and then I'd say something to them about it.  "Mama's really happy that you listened the first time!"  "Mama noticed what a great job you did on the dishes!" etc.
I am not talking about empty flattery.... or rewarding for nothing.... but just a recognition that somebody is making an effort.  It really is encouraging to them.
Many times our children's efforts are looked over and then we draw attention heavily to the unwanted behaviors.
I don't want the rocking chair to be used ONLY for direction, but also for spontaneous times and  closeness.

Today, I found the girlies doing all sorts of good things. They cleaned up, and Erika did laundry without being asked.  Alli and Sarah were playing really nicely together. Anna was sorting out clothing that was "acceptable vs. not acceptable" from the new bag of clothing we received today. :)
LOVE hand me downs!

They also had a really great time at Vacation Bible School.....
So, "Here is to Catching Good Behavior!" :)

Keep up the good work girlies! :)

A BIG HUGE HONKIN' BCLC BREAKTHROUGH!

Today, went really great until it was time to change chores.  Miss Alli has kitchen now, which includes cleaning off the dining room table.

This may sound really silly to some, or that it is making a big deal out of nothing.... but it was important.
A little background:

Alli has HUGE issues with not being believed. She was called a liar long ago...and this hurt her deeply. She also, was rejected..... so lying, punishment and rejection are all mixed up in her mind, which triggers a fear reaction if she thinks you even THINK she may have not told the truth.

We typically do not ask our children  if they are lying, because that corners a child and they will deny it.
It is fruitless.  Instead, we simply say, ....  "I see you left your socks on the floor" or "Since you didn't pick up your toys, you need to do it now."   This is a way to not give  any opportunity for a lie.

Most of the time, the issue will be handled gracefully and peacefully, with a positive result. "Item picked up and put away."

But there is another kind of lying that has to be handled head on. That is what happened today.

I feel that Miss Alli has been ready to be challenged a little more..... as she has been home for 4 months now. So, during her turn to clean up the dining area and kitchen area, she was annoyed that Anna's knee brace was on the table.   She asked me, "Where do I put Anna's Stuff?"

I replied, "Anna likes her things put next to her bed and then she'll put them away", but I do not want you to put the leg brace in the room. I want you to put it in the medical box."
I was given the reply, "NO! It is ANNA's and it goes with HER stuff!"
To which I replied, "NO! I want it to be placed in the medical box!"
To which she replied, "WHERE does Anna keep her things!!!!!!"
To Which I replied, "Do you have any of Anna's things to be put away???"
To Which she replied, "This brace!"
To which I replied again: "NO! It goes in the medical box!"
To which she replied "I want to know where to put Anna's things!"
To which I said, No.  You need to do what you have been asked to do.

She stormed off..... I called. She said "I'm not coming!"
So I went and got her......

I told her, "The reason you continue to want to know where Anna's drop off place is, is because you have full intention to put that brace in her things.

She said, "NO I don't!"
Then why do you continue to ask, and refuse to put that brace where it belongs?

She curls up into ball and refuses to answer.
I tell her I do not appreciate her lying to me.

EXPLOSION!!!!!!! ( I knew this would happen, but it needed to)

I told her..... If you cannot admit when you lie, you will not continue to heal in your heart!
YOU MUST ADMIT WHEN YOU HAVE LIED! YOU MUST!

She says, 'You! YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD! YOU ARE THE WOOORRRSSSTTTTTT!!!!!!! YOU!!!!! I'M gonna!!!!!!

You're gonna what?
No answer....

You're gonna hurt me?  (she had her fists formed ready to strike)

I stepped out of the box and calmly said, " I love you".... But if you want to hurt me;  "Go for it.""Just go ahead and do it!"  This worst mother in the entire world LOVES you EVEN though you LIED!

She took a breath and I was holding mine fully expecting impact....... LOL

And then..... she burst into tears and said, "I CAN'T MAMA!" I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH!!!!


And then I held her sobbing little body, exhausted.... and whispered how much I love her.
And then  I dropped another bomb she was now ready to hear.

It is wrong to lie, even a 1/2 lie.  But if you lie, it doesn't change my love for you. I love you greatly.
If you lie, I will not lock you away, I will not hurt you, I will not send you away.... you are here FOREVER!  BUT.... you must not tell lies. It is wrong and hurtful.

HUGE HONKIN' SOBS!  She was now holding on for dear life.
I let her know that when Anna was little, (Anna sheepishly walking away in the background) LOL
That we taught her if she was lying, she could stop by saying, "Mom, I lied, the truth is"..... and then move on..... and Anna learned to do this.  Anna is very honest now.

Miss Alli by now was looking intently and deeply into my eyes hanging on each word.
Her demeanor changed. Her body was no longer tense. She was totally relaxed and mournful.

"I'm SO SORRY MOMMY!"  "I'm SO SORRY!"

It is ok sweetie.  Now, can you tell me that you lied?  If you didn't I will tell you I am greatly sorry.
But I know you did, or I wouldn't have said anything.

"Mommy, I did lie."

Let's pray and ask the Lord to help us....

Alli's Prayer:
"Jesus, I'm sorry I lied. Help  me not to lie. Help me to tell the truth.
Help me not to sin.  Help mommy not to sin too. LOL
And then I prayed......

And then we talked about what a huge break through we had.  We had  a big talk about being respectful....She has been TERRIFIED that somebody would think she didn't tell the truth, even a hint of somebody not believing her would upset her.
It was obvious that she had so much fear tied up into her own version of perfection.... if somebody saw her as lying... they would not love her, they would send her away..... and she was able to go through the experience with me being present, staying in the same place, staying loving, staying constant, and bringing her into a place of safety where she could see the wrong she did, but know she was still safe.

I love these moments when an unpleasant event can be turned into a healing event......

And then, we had some watermelon. :)

A Not So BCLC Moment:

courtesy of ME! Turned into a BCLC moment....
Today started out as a great day. Everything was going well... Alli was very excited about her treasures from the Euro Deli and said some really sweet things.

Then....all of a sudden.... there was complaining, there was arguing, there was demanding, and it went on and on and on and on......
There was the story cd in the bedroom she insisted she didn't want to hear because it distracted her from playing.  When I went into the room to check, she had brought a BOX of dirt into the bedroom to make a "habitat" for her fake frog, onto the white carpet.  LOL

I very nicely told her to please take the dirt outside, we cannot have dirt in the house like that. She pointed out that I have plants with dirt in them all over! "So Why Can't I?"  I told her it wouldn't be fair to the old vacuum cleaner.   She then proceeded to pout and pout and argue and argue.... and I was not budging. "Go take your dirt outside. The frog habitat will have to stay outside."

And then, it was time for chores.  She complained about doing her part and how she always has to do more and that it isn't fun and that she is tired and how everybody leaves everything everywhere on purpose and.... and.... and......

I also had to purchase crutches for Sarah. She is having trouble with her leg and can't wear a prosthetic right now. Alli asked to play with the crutches. I said, yes, but if Sarah needs them, she must give them to her.
When Sarah needed them, she said, "She doesn't really need them...." So , I had to take them away for good while Sarah is needing them. 
After several hours....

 Mama, blew it.  Her voice was getting louder and I got louder.... and I said, STOP!!!! NOW!!!! STOP IT! 
AND SHE SAID, "I don't like it that you raised your voice!" 
I said, "I don't like it that you have been raising your voice all day!"
And she said, "NO! NOT ALL DAY! I played with Sarah for about  10 minutes and we went to the store! THAT IS NOT ALL DAY!"
And I said, "Since Noon! It is now 4:oo!"
She said,
"Well, just because I raised my voice doesn't mean you should!" Hello!

And then..... I said, "YOU ARE RIGHT.... I SHOULDN'T AND I DID!"
And You are WRONG! You shouldn't EVER raise your voice to mama!

And so, we went to the rocking chair and started over. WHEW!

So, since she has had so many opinions on my parenting today, I made her the parent and I became her.
I did my best to act like her, sound like her and do all the famous facial movements.....She watched with amusement and when it was her turn to instruct me, she blurted out..... "I have NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY! I'm just a kid! I don't want to be the mom!" LOL

Yes, she takes her role play seriously. :)

We then had a talk about trust. And I was able to tell her how much I love her.  After that we snuggled for a while and we came up with some ideas on how to get out of the bad habits she has formed over all the years.

We talked about how hard it is, because it IS a habit.  She responded well to Bananas, but today I didn't do it.  She has responded very well to prayer and breathing... but today, I didn't do that either. 
So when the right time came, I told her that I KNOW she CAN do it! She can do VERY WELL, and I also know it is hard work.... just like it is for me to be a mom.  Just like she couldn't think of one thing to tell me when she was pretending to be me.... sometimes it is just that hard for me to be a mom too.

I want so much to help her see that there are some destructive behaviors that she MUST rule over!
"If you want to control something, control your temper!" LOL

I guess today was a 2 steps back day. :)  I know she is feeling anxious about me taking Erika and Sarah to camp on Monday, and that will be the first time we have been separated. 
Daddy is making plans for a fun filled week for Himself, Anna and Alli.

Somehow, I think everything will be ok, in spite of my personal failure today.
And since about 5:00, she has been a perfect little angel. It is now 9:20! :)

Glad we finished this day off like it started. :)

A GIANT Step!

These three little darlings just left for their first walk ALONE to Walmart......It is about a mile walk 1 way.  They are going to get an ice cream, or soda, and then after sitting and visiting, like ladies, they are going to come home.  Anna has my cell phone.  They are SOOOOOO excited! 

And they are growing up!  I believe each of them have proven themselves trustworthy and they will do just fine.....
Where is Erika?  She really cannot walk that far safely.... so she is going to enjoy a soda at home, and spend some alone time with Mama.

Erika wasn't thrilled that she could not go. but this is one of those difficult decisions. I do not think it is safe for her to walk a mile on country roads with no sidewalks.  The girls can easily walk in a ditch... Erika cannot. 
This is how life is sometimes. When Tim was little, I did not apologize or feel sorry for him when his brothers could do some things he couldn't.  It is life. And it is the reality of having a severe disability.
HOWEVER, things get worked out..... Erika goes to Camp soon.  And Anna and Alli will not be going. They are blessed with all their limbs.  :)
I don't apologize to them either.  :)
Sometimes...... being a mom is just hard, having to make decisions.
So today, we CELEBRATE the first adventure of I'm sure MANY..... of girls going shopping. :)

The Results of Spanking Gone Awry

FMC Interview: KHSL Action News Chico Redding – For the Children's Sake | Fostering Media Connections

This 3 part interview is about the death of a little girl.  The sad part is, her death was caused by her adoptive parents who believed they needed to punish their daughter according to the book "To Train Up a Child.  I have written about punishment that is advocated in some extreme reading materials  in previous posts.... I am saddened that this family, bought this extreme form of punishment and it cost their daughter her life.... and it cost them their family. This was a homeschooling family with 9 children. (3 adopted from Liberia)
Child abuse makes me so sad.  But child abuse within the church doesn't just make me sad, it makes me angry.  This mother and father, are now in prison serving long sentences. Their children were removed.
Another family devastated by AWFUL teaching, in the name of God......

Regulation and Comfort

Mike wanted me to post about some ideas we were discussing the other day.  Many times when we are working with one of the girlies on things, or if we stumble onto something neat, we share it with each other and discuss it.....
I haven't been able to put it into words the last few days because of other worries on my heart, like Ilse, and Tim, and bad memories of long ago. :(

But today, good news! Ilse may be coming home on Sunday! Her pain is under control and she is tolerating her feeds. YEA!
So now, I think I can remember how to write this. :)

Several Days ago, 2 of the girls were having a spat. Most of the time, it is a problem with communication.  Alli, many times misunderstands things. She takes something wrong, or she says something that doesn't quite come out right.....
This happened in the morning, and as she and I were talking about it, it dawned on me that she needed something to help her cool down AND get her mind off of her hurt feelings.   So, after we talked, and I went through a really good teaching moment about respecting each other, especially mommy.... :)   I then told her, "You know what? I think it would be good if you took your computer time now. You like it, and it will help you to calm yourself a little more. "  She was already mournful for what had happened, but she tends to dwell on her failures.... I felt that the computer time was a good icebreaker to move into the rest of the day.
She looked at me surprised. "I still get to have my computer time?"  She thought I might take it away!
I told her, "Why would I take something away that helps you?"  And off she went to the computer.

When I was telling Mike about our successes, he said, "You know.... that is interesting because many times as parents, we tend to look for something to remove or take away, and it may be the very thing our children NEED to HELP them regulate.
It is amazing how ingrained the idea of taking away things to make a point, or punish, is in all of us.

I know that as an adult, when I start to feel dysregulated, I too go for comforts to calm me. I will pray, read, get on the computer, watch a dvd...... interesting..... if it is ok for me, why not them?
I have also heard people say to others who are dysregulated that they should comfort themselves with chocolate, shopping, a massage, take yourself out to dinner, etc...... Folks, these seem like REWARDS to me.
Why do we reward ourselves with something special when we are dysregulated, but for our kids, we tend to punish?
So, just sharing, that  it might be good to rethink that.
The very tool our child may need, whatever it may be.... art supplies, jumping on a trampoline, dress up, roller skating, watching a dvd, listening to music,  working on the computer may very well be the tool they need in their toolbox to regulate. :)

you can read part 2 here.

Disrespect Is Not To Be Tolerated

 I was asked this question:
Just curious, in your post you mention "disrespect" is never tolerated in the house to you or the girls... when someone gets disrespectful what exactly do you do?DS is starting to yell over everything and really mean at me but not because of me over other things but takes it out at me..

When I say "Disrespect" is never tolerated.... I do not mean it doesn't ever happen. I mean it is always addressed each and every time. (toleration would be to not address and just let it go unchecked)

Sometimes our kids don't KNOW they are being disrespectful...sometimes voice intonations SOUND disrespectful when that is not the INTENT. I would always err on the side of grace and mercy in this respect.
"I'm sure you are not intending to sound disrespectful....  But this is how your are sounding."
And explain what the words mean, and how it is not ok to speak in certain tones to parents or others.
Also, I need to make sure that I am not in a habit of speaking in an unkind manner, or bossy manner or
in a way that would stir up unsettling feelings in my child.  If I do, I need to be an example and apologize.

So, what we do is, first establish, that it is ok or normal to be upset if something is wrong.....and then we work on more respectful ways to address an issue.
Let's say for instance, last night, the girls were cleaning their room. 4 of them at the same time cleaning up caused some confusion on what belonged to who. :)
Instead of saying, "I think that might be mine.."  It was "that's MINE, give it to me!"  That is no way to solve a problem, even if it is yours. 
So we stopped and worked on a proper way to respond when somebody may have one of our things.
1. ALWAYS ASSUME THE BEST
2. ALWAYS BE RESPECTFUL
3. HOW WOULD YOU TALK TO YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND? IF it is any different than how you would talk to your sister, you are not treating your sister right. :)
(that is our litmus test actually) :)

If anger were directed at me because of something else, I'd head straight for the rocker..... get him calm, and then , together come up with ways he can tell you what is wrong without yelling at you.  Each and every time, take him to the rocker and let him know after he is breathing with you, it is not ok to yell at mommy...never, ever.... "I love you and I'm here for you...tell me what is going on in your quiet voice...."
"I will help you" etc.
Do not let one time pass, without instruction.  INSTRUCTION IN LIFE  IS DISCIPLINE..... Teaching life lessons so that one can learn the right path is DISCIPLINE........... We MUST discipline  our children.   If you have to drop everything several times.... then do it.  In the LONG run, it will pay off big time. Because new habits will be established and our children learn to discipline themselves!..... If you do miss opportunities to instruct in life, it won't be as effective, and can even cause confusion.  This includes when you are out somewhere....   This does not mean you do the exact same thing each time.... in HOW you teach or instruct... as those with RAD kids know, they will figure that out very quickly.... They will figure out quickly, that you are not at home and therefore cannot rock. :) Instead, the consistency should be in addressing the problem, but going about it differently according to location and circumstance.
Role play, breathing,  rocking, tools, discussion and even going to the car to breathe....... (different ways of discipling) are your tools that consistently move towards that goal of regulation.

Give him some tools to use. If you have not given him a tool box, give him one. (It is imaginary) Give yourself one too so he doesn't feel singled out. :)  Give his brother one too. LOL
And dad too!

"I need a tool box to help me, and I think you do too!"  "What does yours look like? Mine is red!"
I'm opening mine and I'm going to put in gentleness, would you like gentleness in yours?"  and make a game of it. Explain what EACH tool is and exactly how it is used and what it is for. And then, when it happens that he is out of control.... quickly say, Time to get to the tool box open! And take him to the rocker.  Get him to breathe with you and calm himself... and then, ask him what tool he can use to make things better. The kindness tool? The quiet voice tool?
DO NOT ALLOW him to say, "BUT HE DID .....etc."
I always tell my girls..... and my boys.... "I will deal with him, with HIM, or Her, with HER.... and YOU, with YOU..... you will not know what I say to your brother or sister, but you MUST know, I will do what is best EVERY time for each of you! You have to trust me.
You are safe."
Once you get this routine established, it will become easier to get your own tools out, and to help them get theirs out..... If you are both dysregulated, you can even break the ice by asking your son, "Uh Oh, I think mommy needs her tool box opened! "What tool should I get out?"  This DIFFUSES, and then, you can ask, "What tool do you need to get out!"  And all of the sudden, you have a calm child working with you.
This REALLY does work, and it worked on our most difficult situations. I only wish I had thought of it when our boys were little. :)  It would have been very handy with 2 of them. :)

I hope this clarifies. :)

How Role Play Helps

This A.M. as we were getting into our morning. Alli and Sarah wanted to dance in their new Ballet Suits.
Alli was soooo excited!  She also had this perfect plan in her head as to how everything was going to work.  Daddy was going to dance with Sarah and the music was going to be a certain way. She had it all worked out.....
and then her dancing world came crashing down.....
It wasn't as she had planned.
Daddy did a few twirls and then announced that he had to get to work.  The music was not the exact song she had wanted and then Anna wanted to read instead of take daddy's place....... her plans that were only in her mind,  as she had not shared them, were ruined, and she just couldn't handle that. Her window of tolerance was not open very far, and she went into dysregulation. It started with sitting on the floor.... then in the rocking chair. She went back into the distant stare.

We ignored for a few minutes and she went into her room. Sarah continued to dance, and she must have heard us tell her "great job Sarah"..... because she came back from her room to sit in the rocking chair.
That is when I made my move.
"Remember our talk in the van yesterday?"  yes
We switched places. Me in the rocking chair, her in my lap.
I asked her, "Are you sad that your plans didn't work out?"  Yes.

And then I said, what do you think would work to help SOME of your plans work?
She said she didn't know.
So, we did ROLE PLAY.....
"You like to act, right?"  Yes.... "Well, you get to act!  "
I asked Sarah to help, and our little actress readily agreed. :)

So Sarah put on the song and started dancing. I asked Alli, "now what can you do to change the song in a nice way?"  She didn't know.
So I told her to say to Sarah, "Sarah, this song is really hard for me to dance to, do you mind if we change it to another one?"
She did, with expression and all!  And then Sarah said, "Oh, ok!"
And they went and picked a different song.

The next step was a little harder for her to see.  Anna was in the mood to read. Alli wanted her to dance.
So I used the book I got in the mail yesterday that she knows I'm excited about reading.
I pretended to be interested in reading my book and Sarah was Alli.  We let Alli see how it isn't bad to want somebody to dance, but you cannot control what other people want to do.....My invitation for her to read my book helped her to see that it is ok to like to do different things, and it doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

Anna and Sarah had to learn this when they were little and Sarah was first home.
I distinctly remember Sarah weeping because Anna wanted her to play dollies and she wanted to ride her bike and she was afraid to tell Anna she wanted to ride her bike because then she thought Anna would think she didn't like her... and the drama went on.... LOL  They were both 6. :)


Well, Miss Alli learned a valuable lesson this a.m. and she bounced right out of her mood into a joyful attitude. She apologized and then put into practice her newly learned tool..... When she did, and Sarah said yes, to change the song, she ran to me with a big smile!  I said, "Aren't those the most powerful words!!!!"  You tried so hard to MAKE things happen and you tried to use your anger and it didn't work.... But your kind words worked like magic! :)
She was thrilled.

And here is a picture of my two little dancers. :)