REFLECTIONS ON ADOPTION PART 2

I wrote a post a few years ago here and at the end it said, "To Be Continued"... so HERE is the continue. :) Mike and I are getting close to retirement. We already qualify for Medicare, and I started drawing my social security over a year ago. He will have full benefits in February. So, I guess that qualifies us as "elderly". :) It IS however a little humorous when you ready the news and they say something about an "elderly" person and then you find out they are 8 years younger than you are!

Even our old rocking chair is showing its age. That rocker holds many, many memories and now new babies are being rocked in it. In fact, I think I have rocked almost every grand child in it. It is the place to talk, to sing songs, to read books and to pray.

As I reflect on the last 35 years when adoption touched our lives, beginning with Mike adopting all of the boys, and then 22 years ago when we began with the girls, one thing rings out. INHERITANCE! Every child born to their parents inherits their name and legacy. It is a gift from the Lord. A child is securely placed into a family and they identify with that family, that name, those grand parents, great grand parents and they take on the identity of that individual family. In our case, our children are MINICHS.
I remember explaining this to the children when they were very young; "You are Minichs! That comes with responsibility! Honor your name!:) Sometimes they did, and sometimes they didn't. :) But it didn't change who they were.
Our children, because they are OURS, and there is no distinction between biological or adopted, are inheriters of what we leave behind. That isn't just the physical, but it is what our family has built over the years. It is a legacy of love and acceptance, of memories and of a solid future built on the Solid Rock of Christ.

As Christians we too have been reminded that we have an inheritance in Christ and adoption is a perfect reflection of our relationship with God. It is mentioned in Scripture that we are joint heirs with Christ and that we can come to God the father and call him Abba, which means Daddy. He lovingly accepts us with all of our flaws and slowly and perfectly teaches us to be His children through His sanctifying work which begins at His beckoning to us to come, just as we are, and rest in His love. He'll wash us, He will cleanse us, He will guide and teach us.
Oh what an inheritance we have! So now that our children who range in age between 26-47, are grown and have their own families; some just beginning, and some are close to the finishing line,they too will carry on the inheritance of how they were raised. They will carry the good and the bad, and as we always say, "Keep the good, throw out the bad and make things even better for your kids!" And they will provide for thier children the inheritance of a good name. They have and will continue to establish their own legacies for their families; and the generations go on. This blog has taken on many topics and has been an honest look into life. We are no longer adopting, but we are LIVING and I will continue to write and reflect on our lives as I can. I don't want to start anything new, this place feels like home. I wanted to finish that reflection. So there you have it. :)
And now I will go and rock in my rocking chair. It is still a great chair!

Don't Give Up!

This was something our Albina (Alli) said to us many times. She wrote in in art form and sent it to us when she had to be away. She wrote it in chalk when she was home and she expressed it in voice when she was distraught. After us being her 4th set of parents, she needed to know that our love was unconditional and that we would not give up on her. It was HARD, but looking back on all that has occurred, oh so wonderful. The Lord brought her to us. He had work to do in her life and in ours!

She and I were talking earlier today about that time. She said, "I was such a bad kid".... I said, No. You were a HURT kid.
And today, she is a lovely daughter and friend. Honestly, 10 years ago I was afraid for her future, but today, I'm so proud of her. She is truly a success story! She of course is more than that! I'm just so thrilled to see her flourish in her life.
I was there was her son was born 7 years ago. I remember her saying, "Mom will you come? Your're the only mama I have!" and it touched my heart so deeply. I cannot wait for her new sweetie to be born and be brought into our lives. What an amazing story. What an amazing God we serve! No Sweetie! We didn't give up and neither did you!

Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

"Life Is Pain"

"anybody who tells you something different is selling something".


Well, I bet you can guess what THIS post is going to be about! 

                                 LIFE!!!

Life is ongoing for our little family just as it is for yours!  We have been busy living it!

We are also busy recovering from some VERY painful experiences that have happened.  There are just 4 of us left at home as all girls are adults and off living life!  Each of them knows they are loved and cherished.  Each of them are unique and special in their own ways.

And then there is me..... When I started this blog back in 2007, I was full of excitement and hope, fear and trepidation all rolled into one as we explored our experiences together.  There was so MUCH to learn about adoption, language aquisition, parenting kids from hard places, being a grand mother, (Ya Ya for me).  I wanted to capture childhood joy, and the experiences to save a memoir for our girls. Long before blogging, there were things written down in journals, but they aren't the same.  And I wasn't as faithful to write things down about the guys.  Blogging has helped me with parenting children who have come from very hard places by writing about our experiences. They are dated and when something comes up, I can go back the year before and see if we are repeating something.
But one of the things about blogging is that it is important to be honest and not paint a false picture.
I have strived to do that.

The thing about life is that it is messy.  There isn't this perfect life that is all wrapped up in a neat little package at the end of each blog post, or each day.   The daily act of loving another human being can be full of joy and full of sorrow.

The last 4 years have had wonderful times and more sorrow than I ever dreamed possible.  I am reminded that our dear Savior was a "man of sorrow, acquainted with grief."   HE bore OUR shame and took upon Himself our wickedness, our sin and carried it for us.   AND he carries OUR burdens, if we let Him.

I have a tendency to give my burdens to the Lord, and then sometimes take them back, and realize that I REALLY DO need to give them completely over to God.  It is so freeing!

As a mom you want to love all of your children well, listen to them well, understand them well, and sometimes we fail, especially when we are in the midst of working through our own  grief and trauma.

Some of our children are better at expressing themselves than others.  Some will come to us and talk, talk, talk, and then others of our children are quiet.  They have a harder time expressing pain and sorrow or even expressing that you have not listened well.
AND I NEED TO BE SENSITIVE AND REMEMBER THAT! A quiet spirit doesn't mean there isn't something going on internally.

Each of our children will suffer grief from difficulties in life.  We need to take that time to LISTEN and not try to FIX; Listen and not assume and then, pray.  Pray for wisdom for your precious children.  Pray for wisdom for yourself.  And when you FAIL, which we all do, ask for forgiveness for not taking the time, or for being too self focused.

Remember also, that we are but dust, flawed and imperfect in every way.  Yet GOD loves us with an unconditional love, and moves in our hearts to conform us to HIS image.... one part at a time.

We are in a place of two of our girls living at home and going to college, exploring relationships and experiencing LIFE as young adults. 
They tell us we are old... but we have a secret.... :)    We LIKE planting flowers and fixing things up. :)

I sat down the other night to talk with one of our girls and she disclosed that she didn't feel that I had been listening well to her.  She didn't want to burden me with her thoughts, as she felt I was already burdened enough.
That was crushing to my heart.  As we were talking, which was a GOOD and much needed talk,  I told her how sorry I was that I had NOT been listening to her like she needed me to.
She needs SLOW, methodical time.  She cannot be rushed.  And she had felt rushed and looked over.

Interestingly, I had a similar conversation with one of my sons a couple of years ago,  when he said, "You don't ask how we are doing anymore." "We want you to ask us how we are too! " This was during a very difficult time, and he was right.  I was too sad to look up, and I was too self focused, missing out on the joys that were ongoing; I guess I'm a slow learner.

We are ALL healing, and this is another step in that direction.  Mom, Dad and Me books are back out and in use.  I don't want to miss an opportunity, and some things are just so very hard to talk about face to face.
Precious girls. Precious boys.  ALL of them grown up!

Joy is so much more joyful because of overcoming the pain.  We wouldn't know how blessed we truly are if we didn't experience the other side.

Stay tuned....

The Trip Back

Back to where she came from.  I cannot imagine what is going through her head right now as she prepares to come back home.  I'll have more to say soon, but here are a few photos of her at her old
orphanage.....

Erika and Papa Dima

 Then and now

 Then and now

What an incredible experience. :)

more to come

Our very first posts were about our experience bringing Erika home from Ukraine.
She came home in April of 2006. I started blogging in Feb of 2007.

Washed In the Love of Christ

My last post was rather negative. I'm very sorry. :(  It was raw, and I was raw.
Rejection hurts.
But you know what?  Isn't that how our kids feel?  Isn't that how they got to be with us in the first place?
For an adoption to take place, there has to be a rejection, right?

For some kids, they are able to heal, and we have experienced and been a part of that process for many years.  For other kids, it never ends.  Their hurt is too much, and while they take baby steps for a while, sink back, take more baby steps and even giant leaps, they still sink back, and as parents, we have to understand that this child will not heal easily.  They will be grown and yet not ready to face life.
And you know what? That is where they are, and we have to accept where they are, even if it means they reject our love.
Their stories are not over and 18 is not the magic age of everything being fine, so now you are on your own.

They have a life time of relationships and growing to do, just like everybody does. There will be people who come alongside and speak life into them, just as we have.  They may be in the form of a friend, pastor, significant other, spouse or child....but it will happen.

As I sit here and type, I realize more and more that life is so short, and the time we have with our children is so short.  We MUST make the most of it, even when it is difficult.

Love, even when they scream they don't want it.
Accept, even when they don't want our acceptance.
Reach out, even if they don't take your hand.
Be kind, even if they don't return your kindness.
Reach out, even if they don't respond.
Be available! So when they are ready, they can reach out.
Leave the door open.... they may try at some point to walk through it.
Pray!  Oh Pray!  Prayer is powerful!

And NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP.... Never, EVER.

Christ loves us.  We are washed in His love daily.  It is palpable for me right now.
The Lord comforts those who mourn. He is near to the broken hearted.
He is the lifter of my head.

And I will walk in faith and TRUST the one who is worthy of my trust!

A New Milestone

Raising ALL of our girls has been an amazing experience.  Erika has been home almost 10 years, Sarah almost 11 years.  More things have happened in that short time than I can write here.
They have overcome so much and are such joys.

And now.... A new right of passage.  Erika is officially a DRIVER!  She has worked so hard over the last year plus to drive.  And now it has happened. :)  With driving comes more responsibility of course.  She has her car, a Taurus, and a job and will be covering her portion of the insurance.
Real life, brings real responsibility.

So, I believe my taxi days of taking her to college and picking her up are over. :(
I say that with a little sadness, but also a little joy, as I know she is thrilled, and it will take a lot off of my plate and free me up to work more in the shoppe.

Erika will also be the primary driver when Sarah starts college next year too. :)

And now it is time for Sarah to start working on HER permit to get her license.
They are growing up TOO FAST!

And just LOOK HOW!
Best friends in the orphanageAnd Best friends and Sisters now!

And look who has gotten so tall!!!!
(to be fair, Erika says she is slouching.  Reality.... Sarah is 1/4 " taller. :)

Discernment, Truth and Judgment

I have written about discernment on my blog a few times, but mostly about teaching our children to be discerning, regarding what they read or what they listen to.  I posted HERE and HERE on that topic. 
Today, I'd like to write about our own discernment.
Discernment means:
from the "free dictionary":The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment. 2. Keenness of insight and judgment. discernment

From GTY.org: Biblical Discernment In its simplest definition, discernment is nothing more than the ability to decide between truth and error, right and wrong.

from Merriman Webster: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

from dictionary reference.com:
the faculty of discerning; discrimination; acuteness of judgment and understanding

and finally from Vocabulary.com: Discernment is the ability to make a smart judgment about something. If you're voting for Student Council President, you need to use discernment to pick the best candidate.

If you notice, discernment has a close relationship with judgment, based upon truth.
We make judgment calls all the time!  All of us do.  It gives a picture in mind of the Olympic rings. They are separate, yet blend together.

We judge if bananas are too ripe to purchase.  Will we eat them before they rot? 

We make judgment calls all the time regarding reading materials, movies, and even friends.
Is this somebody I want to spend time with?  Will this person effect my family is a positive way?
For instance, if a pedophile, just released from prison, who claims he has changed, were to knock on our door and ask to spend the night, we might want to be DISCERNING and say, no.

Is that making a JUDGMENT? Yes it is.  Is it judging a person directly, with the attitude of " you are lower than me you scumbag?"  No. it is not.  We can be kind and loving towards somebody, but also discern.

Does this type of discernment or judgment, put us up on a pedestal of self love and perfection, and place the lowly other person beneath the ground, into the ground and all judged to death?  No. And it had better not! We are all sinners and our standing before the Lord is ONLY because of His mercy and grace in our lives!  There is nothing we can earn.  Our best attempt at righteousness is as a dirty wrag, when held up to the Holiness of God.

If I were to say to that person.... "You know, I am happy that you have made some differences in your life.  Treat them with respect, talk about those differences, share with them, and then put them up in a hotel, where they could get a comfortable night's sleep, that would NOT be judging, but it would be discerning.
If an Alcoholic feels called to minister in Bars, or the pedophile called to minister in a "day care center", or somebody who struggles with stealing, to work as a teller at a bank, it seems it would be ok to question if that were God calling them.

There are all kinds of times that me make discerning, prayerful decisions in our conversations, and in our relationships.

Discernment is also a gift from the Lord, especially when raising our children.  There are times we must discern if an act of snottiness, was stress related, attachment related, hormone related (now that we have 4 teenage girls), or was it just a simple act of  disobedience?

It is HARD to discern sometimes, and many times after much prayer, calming our hearts down, and listening, the answer is right there before us.
The problems come for us as parents when many times behaviors look the same. 
Snottiness is snottiness! 


But is it?
No.

Just as we learn to distinguish, (discern) between a babies cries: Are they hungry? Are they wet?
Are they bored? Are they in pain?
We need to learn to discern and distinguish the root causes of our children's behaviors, and for that fact, the root causes of our own responses to those behaviors!  **** (see bottom of post)

Because sometimes, our reaction to their reaction can be a big ole' reaction that never ends!  OR it can be sorely mistaken, and we can wind up hurting relationships!

It is imperative that relationship remains connected and sought after, even in correction!  As parents, we must be able to share truth, with our children, and not crush them.  At the same time, sometimes our children can be crushed by insecurity, shame, lack of attachment, self judgment (the kind that is NOT true) and self hatred.
That makes it all the more important to break through those defenses to reach our children's hearts.
It will require vulnerability on our own part, sharing with them some snotty thing WE have done, and survived through a time of correction. :)

We can discern, how much a child is prepared for in the area of instruction and then gently stay within those boundaries!   Having a little at a time, with great support afterwards, lots of I care about you's and I love you's..... while keeping  them back in  a place of felt safety is so important!
And it works very well!

As time goes on, and our children have been home for a long time, their window of tolerance (<---- linked) can be wide open, and there is much room for us to relax more.  If When we mess up, it doesn't cause an end of the world catastrophic event under our roof!  We say we are sorry and life goes on.  :)


**** If we are unwilling to look at ourselves, or to admit that we are capable of great wrong, which all of us are, then it will be very hard to be discerning with our children.  We must remember those 3 fingers pointing right back at us, when correcting our children. 
If we are willing to be vulnerable and pour ourselves out to the Lord, or even find support groups to help us, we will be much better able to be in a place of discernment and proper judgment!
And then, we will be able to better parent our children who come from very difficult places!
Growth is hard.  But growth is Good!  The diamond in the rough is hard to get to, and takes much effort.
As parents, we must also be willing to receive correction, or learn new ways to parent. If we are too  proud, or if we don't receive somebody's attempt to help, even if the person isn't perfectly right, but instead dismiss their efforts as judgment... we won't grow.
When I was much younger and our oldest son was 10. I distinctly remember an older woman at our church taking me aside to give me her thought on a way I had corrected my son in public.
He had been told ahead of time not go go into our Sunday School class and get left over donuts. :)
But there he was, and I corrected him, instructing him to go and sit down in the church and wait for me.  It was that "authoratative voice thing"....
This woman was embarrassed for my son, because he was with his friends and all the kids did it!
She didn't know I had already told him.  Her words stung.  But she was RIGHT.  I embarrassed my son, and I am sure it was not her pleasure or determination to cause me pain.  She discerned and made a proper judgement and correctly sought to offer guidance.
I am thankful to her for that, even though it didn't feel so great at the time. Her intention was good.
And God used her in my life.
My guess is, there are a lot of diamonds out there undiscovered, because we are too proud to find them.... both in ourselves and in our children.

Let's choose to find the diamonds in the rough and bring them to a place of shining brightly!

Miracles DO Happen!

You may have read on Tina's and Adeye's blogs yesterday about the Higbie family. 
They are going to adopt THREE Teenagers!  But funds were not there, and they needed them fast.
The Body of Christ moved in an incredible way, and not only did they get the money needed for immediate needs, enough money came in to cover plane tickets and everything!  WOW!
Way to Go!
So, I have added them to my blog roll.  Can you join me in praying for this precious family, and praying these children home? 
They have invited all to share in their journey as they bring their children home.
Here is a link to Loving Recklessly, The Higbie's blog. :)

"MISTAKES"

The meaning of a word is very, very important.  It is not uncommon for words in our language to be misunderstood!  An example might be "effect" vs. "affect". 

Affect

In order to understand the correct situation in which to use the word affect or effect, the first thing one must do is have a clear understanding of what each word means. The word affect means to produce a change in something.

Effect

The word effect has a different meaning. Effect is defined as a result of something or the ability to bring about a result.


But when it comes to the word "mistake" the meaning is quite clear!

A mistake is a blunder, an error, and even an error in judgment, such as, I bought this dress but it is way to short!  Or  I made a calculation error and I have less money in the bank than I thought!

These are MISTAKES!  Yes, they are lapses in judgment, but there is no ill intent.


In the Trial of Hana Williams, whom I wrote about 2 years ago here, and then the use of TTUAC here
the statement was made that "we made a mistake". 
NO! A mistake was not made.  It was not a "mistake" to feed her frozen food instead of cooked.
It was not a "mistake" to put a lock on a closet door and force her to sleep inside there."
It was not a "mistake" to beat her.
It was not a "mistake" to beat her deaf brother.
It was not a "mistake" to make her stay outside, shower and toilet outside, and sleep in the barn.
It was not a "mistake" to keep the children separate from family celebrations like Christmas.
It was not a "mistake" to sit and watch her as she struggled for life.
It was not a "mistake" to STARVE.HER. TO. DEATH!

No.
It wasn't just "poor judgment" or "misguided judgment". 
No.

It was  a systematic, continual atmosphere of abuse... and then the other children were also put in the position of participation. 
During Hana's last hours on this earth, as she was staggering in the back yard, the mother gave Hana's brothers a switch to go and strike her with.
The children were then directed to LIE to social workers and investigators about where Hana slept and if she had been beaten. :(
It  was not a "mistake" to tell children to lie to authorities.

It was INTENTIONAL.

Now, did they intend for Hana to die?  I don't believe they did.  But honestly, how can the word "mistake" even be used.
Oops she died.  That was a mistake.
It so cheapens Hana's life.

How about we were HORRIBLY WRONG?  How about we are BOTH responsible?
Why even a trial?  Why not plead the truth? How about "We systematically MURDERED our daughter in the name of some sort of wacky- pseudo- parenting paradigm and we are TRULY sorry!"
"It doesn't matter if she were 12 or 20. We abused another human being, that we promised to love and cherish, until she died."
She is DEAD. There is a body in the ground.

There is forgiveness in Christ.  Yes, there is. And I do hope that the William's have sought that forgiveness.  But a sign of repentence would not be to defend your actions, accuse each other of being more at fault, or call your actions a "mistake".
Sin is more accurate.
Sins are transgressions against God, and against His Law.  We are ALL sinners. 
We are all in need of forgiveness.  I pray that the Williams find that forgiveness.

One of the saddest parts of this entire story, besides a family torn apart, and the death of Hana, is that this family, just like all families that adopt, had wonderful, GOOD intentions!
They wanted to do something for children.  They wanted to joyfully add to their family.
And something went tragically WRONG.  It was NOT the fault of Hana Williams.

If you are a future adoptive family, one of the very best things you can do while you wait, is get prepared for what is going to CHANGE.YOUR. LIVES. forever!
The process of bringing home children is a shock to the family AND even MORE SO to the child!
PREPARE YOURSELVES! 
Don't be the bride who worries about the fanciness and joy of the wedding and forgets to prepare for the marriage!
The LONG HAUL life of adoption can be wonderful! It can also be stressful! 
Deal with your own baggage before you bring your kids home!  I promise, you will have more to deal with after they arrive! :)
REACH OUT to the adoption community. DO NOT ISOLATE! And do NOT be in a group that speaks negatively about their children in disparaging ways!  Do NOT participate in "Misery Love Company" type groups.

Instead, find TRUE adoption support.  Seek out social workers, friends, friends of friends, and find families that are SUCCESSFUL.
LEARN FROM THEM! 
There are many blogs on my side bar to choose from that are successful with their children. They do not have magically easy children. Some deal with very difficult circumstances! 
Go to websites like  Empowered to Connect.  There is so much information there and it is wonderful!

There are also conventions to go to! There is one in Houston this month and in the Dallas area next month, both featuring Karyn Purvis!  It is 60 dollars for a COUPLE to attend for 2 full days of enrichment! 
That folks is a bargain!

The adoption community needs to pull together and make sure that not one more adopted child is murdered in the name of "discipline".  And even more, the adoption community needs to pull together and "Shout from the Rooftops", that adoption is a WONDERFUL THING... but you MUST BE PREPARED to FACE the MONSTER IN THE MIRROR! Yourself.
And then, you will be ready to be equipped to gently guide your adopted child to healing and wholeness.

Here is a link to the article that fueled this post.  Thank you to Hope Anne for posting it.
Here is a link to Hope Anne's blog.  I like to refer to Hope Anne as the creator of "skirt holding". :)
She is also located on my side bar blog roll.

This Last Week

Well, it has been a fun and busy week!
The Fontes' Family, stopped overnight once again on their way home.
In fact, they had to reassign seats in their van, because they brought home another child. :)

 Playing dolls

 Resting

 Playing Ninja with Sarah

 Relaxing

Here they are packing up and getting ready to leave:  New seating arrangements were needed. :)

What a precious family....

Joe and Becca moved into a new apartment, but we are going to babysit their piano for a while. :)
Here is Truman looking at a book with Alli.  Truman is 2, and quite the talker!  I took him with me to the hospital to pick Erika up from volunteering and had the attention of the entire lunch table with his charming smile and impressions of a pirate..... "I'm a pirate!" (with one eye closed) "I have a sword at home!" LOL

It was a week full of fun visits and rest during the hot days of Texas Summer.

 Getting aquainted with Uncle Joe.

 Aunt Alli making baby Felix laugh.

 Marcus making me laugh.

And good conversation.......

Understanding The Fear Factor

 I wrote a few days ago about how Sweetie 4 feelt safe in the orphanage and frightened in America.
I wanted to follow up on this because I think there is a valid "questioning" as to why that would be!
How could a seemingly unsafe place without hope and without future seem safer than a loving home WITH a future?

 (This is what sweetie 4's  orphanage looked like, and her town.)

 This is the craft room she remembers so well!

 The village was beautiful!

It is all about perspective, the unknown, and change.

Some children transition from one culture to another or  one home to another quite smoothly, and  with minimal bumps.  They have a clear idea of what is "normal".
Others however have very strong reactions to the change and it terrifies them.  Their "normal" is quite different from what it should be.  Their brains get wired at an early age to cling to chaos. 
So when "normal" comes: a.k.a.- Loving parents, good intentioned parents, structure, etc.
The reaction can be quite strong.  There can be a STRONG fight or flight fear reaction that can come out in many different ways.
For some children, they shut down, become robotic, unconnected and lifeless.  For others, they become combative, angry, violent, aggressive, disrespectful, and more.

BOTH OF THESE are FEAR REACTIONS..... YES FEAR!

And yes, a child can long for the chaos left behind, even though they have a seemingly wonderful situation right in front of them. YES! They can be blind to new parents and promising lives, and be TERRIFIED!

As adoptive parents 2 out of 4 of our girls had this very reaction.  Even though we loved them and were loving to them, their first response was rejection and anger.
(Rejection and Anger are FEAR based responses)

This is the part that is hard for all of us as adoptive parents.  We cannot and MUST not take the reactions personally. 
Even if a child is screaming "I hate you! or "I want to die!"    With limited English in the case of International Adoption, this might be the strongest language a child has to express their grief!

We must understand that they are reacting to the unknown with great fear . Their new normal is actually CHAOS to them!  And they will do anything and everything to recreate what they are used to. 

When I wrote that sweetie 4 had fond memories of her orphanage, I was serious. She really did. She also has fond, healthy memories of her earliest life with her bio parents.
We have worked HARD for her to talk about both...the good and the bad.
And the truth is, there is no experience that is all good, or all bad!

She has memories that are horrific....but she also has memories where she cooked with her mama, or went to visit a relative.  She has memories of playing under the house, and having a little friend; and memories of following her big brother around and going to the small store in their village.

I want her to cling to those memories and hold them in her heart.  The memories that landed her in an orphanage need to be remembered too, but only so she can forgive and learn what NOT to do!

The same goes for any other home she was in.  There are good and bad memories. 
We have encouraged her to keep the good ones and be thankful for them.  Let the bad ones go, forgiving others and forgiving herself.

The trick in taking a child from chaos (fear) to regular life (a place of love and regulation) is in our reactions to their fear.
I say this, and it sounds so simple.  The concept IS simple.  The task of carrying it out is not so simple. :)
That is just true.
It can be VERY HARD!
Why?
Because it requires us to die to ourselves.  It requires us to put our own feelings aside over, and over and over.....
A perfectly great day can occur and then.... SABOTAGE!    The child forgets their shame for part of the day and then something happens in the brain and they remember.... oh yea.... and they begin to act out.
THAT is the time where we need to be on our guard the most!
We can miss a perfect opportunity for healing, if we over react, or react out of fear ourselves!

I remember one time when we had had a WONDERFUL time and then suddenly one of our girls  began to cry and kick the backs of the seats, throwing a huge fit.  "I hated that time!" "I  hated those people!"  and more....

We had been at a cross roads with this child.  She was beginning to turn from chaos to embrace love.
But this day was just too picture perfect and her shame overcame her. 
She didn't feel she deserved such a good day and tried to recreate the day to fit her view of herself.
"Undeserving"..... "not worthy to be loved".... "Problem child"!
I would have called her "Much Afraid".  :(

Both my husband  and I immediately realized what was happening and quietly responded to her screams.
"You deserved to have fun!"  "You are lovely!"  "You are a great kid!"
As we carried her into the house kicking and screaming, we got her to the rocking chair and I repeated all those things to her, quietly.
She began to go from tantrum to sorrow....
Her screams of anger turned to sobs of sorrow.
She wept properly this time, grief pouring from her little heart and we witnessed another piece of her heart healing.

I shudder at what could have happened had we reacted to her tantrum in anger or frustration!  What if we had said, "Stop that right now!"  "You are being terrible!"  "What a bad girl!"  "You are really going to get it when we get home!" "You are going STRAIGHT TO BED!"  and then, we separated from her.... and licked our wounds of pride after her verbal assault?

I honestly KNOW what would have happened, because we HAD reacted that way before with some of those words!
Bitterness would have set in, and the next time would have been worse. We would have reinforced her very thoughts about herself, and solidified in her mind that she deserved to be treated badly.
And yes, she received it as being treated badly. 

Here is a picture of  Sweetie 1 in "time out" before we knew about "time in". :)

This picture still makes me sad. :(


NO deep healing can really take place if we are "punishment" oriented. We need to always move in the direction of healthy relationship!

It is possible that SOME kids might even respond to that type of reaction externally.... but we are looking for INTERNAL healing that shows itself in EXTERNAL and INTERNAL thoughts and behavior!

I do not desire my children to simply obey at my every command.  I want them to obey out of love and desire!  I want them to be motivated by LOVE and proper respect.
But that kind of obedience takes TIME and a whole lot of hard work!

I love the words to the song below.  It is so true for our children who come from hard places!
It is also true for us, if we are open to being changed!



"I Will Change Your Name"

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                     C               D

You shall no longer be called

G        C       D   Bm    C               D

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                C                  D

Your new name shall be

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C      G            D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C       G           D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

Joy and Sorrow

We have had some wonderful days these last two weeks.  Actually longer, but the last two weeks have been very special!

Going to Oklahoma to meet Tatyana and her boyfriend Gibson, and their family, visiting their church, coming home to our Son arriving from MaryLand and now our Daughter in Law and three grandsons....


Joe and Becca



Sam

Truman
Felix

  And then the Fontes family came to visit and will visit again!!! (we are so excited!)
Things have been Hot and Happenin'! :)

All the girlies have taken it in stride and I am so PROUD of all of them.

Today however.......  was a little different.

Today I observed each of my sweet girls taking time to play with nephews.  Miss Alli in particular was just drawn to Felix.  She spent a lot of time with him, and even wanted to hold him while he was sleeping.

At around 6:30, she suddenly rushed to her room in tears, and threw herself on her bed.  She wanted to be alone for a while. 
About an hour later, I came in and sat with her.

Through tears, she spoke about how she didn't know what SHE looked like as a baby. She wondered if she were so loved and cherished as Felix is.

We went to the rocking chair and I told her that we love her just like she is baby Felix. When we snuggle her we see Baby Felix.  And we adore her just like Baby Felix. :)

I explained to her, that it IS sad we don't have baby pictures of her, but we have a video of her at 8 years old and I can just imagine what she looked like as a little girl, and even a baby. :)

The other side of the joy of adoption is grief.  The realization that you are no longer in your birth family, the realization that you may have not been cherished... and that you do not know who held you, loved on you, or adored you... cooed with you, blew air on your sweet belly as you cooed with delight, nursed you, changed you, cuddled you when you had a tummy ache.... is all there in glaring sadness, as you watch your little nephew adored.... and you wonder, what about me? The questions came.... Did somebody do that to me?  Was I loved?

Break. My. Heart.



I was so proud of her as she overcame her deepest sadness and took part in loving her nephews, playing with them all day long!
But when she was finally overcome with grief, we snuggled as she wept, and healed a little bit more. :)

So proud of my sweetie! :)

So proud of all of them!

Adoption Disruption and Thoughts I Can't Express part 4.

I was going to title this: "The Anatomy of Disruption"..... but just decided to label it part 4.
I have written 3 other posts on Adoption Disruption.  Here, Here and Here. And then one more here.And yet another one here..  And then here.     There are more.... but those are the main ones. :)

So, here I go with another disruption post... WHY?  Because I guess I haven't covered all my thoughts on this very difficult topic .

Since I wrote those other posts, we have adopted again from Adoption Dissolution/Disruption.
Miss Alli came home almost  2 1/2 years ago. 
Since that time, we have been through a lot with our sweet girl.  The most recent, was the reuniting with her sister Tatyana.  She has not yet reunited with her brother who is still in the first adoptive home.
Aren't they just beautiful together? :)
Tatyana is now on her own, so we could reunite.

I would like to visit this from the  perspective of the child, and how things unraveled into a huge mess, but with a happy ending.

Let me start with the premise that I believe is most important.  God is in control.  It doesn't matter how I feel, or how I perceive things, He is in control. He chooses to allow things to happen that I do not understand, but I trust Him, that His purposes are always for our good.

I have had  discussions with Alli's older sister and Alli, separately, to gain some perspective for writing this.  Earlier today, for clarification, I asked Tatyana about Alli's behaviors back when she was a little girl in Russia, and then when she came home to America.
Tatyana has emphasized that all Alli's behaviors were typical kid type behaviors.  She didn't feel that anything warranted what happened to her sister.

I asked Alli, "Do you remember how you behaved in Russia compared to America?"  Her answer corroborated her sisters.  She was a typical little girl in a very bad situation. 
She was also picked for her good behavior in the orphanage to go to the store and go on a trip to the Black Sea, and to do something special at Christmas.

In watching the video given to us the the children's interview, Alli was typically nervous being recorded but said she liked Pink, and Barbies.
She was adorable.
What Alli DID say, was that she was very afraid to come to America.  "I didn't want to leave my mommy."
That broke my heart.
Her mommy didn't have custody of her, but she still felt a connection with her.
Of COURSE she did! All kids love their mothers!

But she agreed to come, because she didn't want to lose her brother and sister.
And that is PRECISELY what happened to her!
Her biggest fear, came true. :(

Alli went through a time of shock, having 2 new parents that she couldn't relate to or communicate with, and a new brother who was younger than her. This was not their fault or her fault.
She was forbidden from speaking Russian to her siblings, which was her only form of communication.
And, she lost it.
She cried and had  melt downs.
As time went on, things got more and more out of control. She didn't understand what was being required of her, and didn't get why they were so mad at her.
This was a hard time for all of them. And I am sure many of us could see themselves there.

Please remember that when a child is learning English... they may speak it LONG before they comprehend it!  Misunderstanding RULES!

She was afraid of the family and didn't trust them. They were afraid of her and didn't trust her. She was angry.
Since she felt she could do nothing to please her family, she gave up trying.
She began to talk back and had decided in her mind that she was apart from them.
I can picture the "talking back".... it happend here too!

Things spiraled out of control and she wound up going into respite care where she did quite well.

At the end of her  stay in respite care, she was told it was time for her to go back home. Her statement was "I'd rather die than go back to those people,"  which landed her in  a Unit for evaluation, and then she was disrupted.

She called her home to communicate with her brother and sister, but was told they didn't want anything to do with her.  She was devastated.

A disruption occurred.

Her second adoption didn't go so well either.   And by then, she really just didn't care.
She decided she would rule her own life, and acted out whenever she felt like it.
She had begun to form a habit of unwanted behaviors to hide the pain she was in.

Then came us.....  She wanted to try, she really did, but the fear of failure and self judgment ruled her heart and she was full of shame.
She would try, and then give up, try and then give up.  It was a cycle of shame, sadness, anxiety, and then hope once again. It was HARD for all of us!

As Alli began to help us unravel her past, and opened up more and more to us, her window of trust and tolerance began to open wide, and she began to drop her old bad habits of unwanted behaviors she had clothed herself with.
She began to let go of the grip of fear that consumed her and began to trust once again.
But, as encouraged as we were, we knew we had a long road ahead of us, because when somebody allows themselves to go into reckless abandon behavior wise, it can be easier the next time, and next time, and there is so much disconnect. It becomes a  habit ; and habits are hard to break!

Today, Alli loves and trusts us.  In fact, during our talk, she said that she is glad she came to America, and she is happy that she is home with us.
And she very much feels "At Home!"

I was able to tell her how much I love being her mom. :)

So why am I writing this?  I am writing it because it is so wearying seeing adoptions fail. :(
Adoptive parents NEED to be prepared for the adjustment phase of children coming to America or just into a new family.
The grief process is huge. We need to educate ourselves about what grief looks like and how we can help our children loving them through it, not judging them through it.



PARENTING METHODS MATTER HUGELY!They matter, especially, for a child who comes from a Trauma Background! 
While Alli came from a background of trauma inflicted upon her in Russia, there was even more trauma forced upon her by her previous families and she couldn't handle it.
She went from feeling safe in the orphanage, to being terribly frightened and alone in America.
Feeling safe in an orphanage should say alot about what her home life in Russia,  was like!

Parents, do all you can to educate yourselves on Trauma. LEARN HOW TO PARENT FROM A PLACE OF SAFETY AND LOVE!!!!   STAY AWAY FROM FEAR BASED PARENTING!
And for heaven's sakes, stay AWAY from groups that call themselves "support groups" when they are really more like "misery loves company" groups.

I am so thankful for our sweetie's healing in her heart.  SO THANKFUL! 
But I am also thankful for the process we have all gone through over the last 2 and a half years.  I have learned a LOT! :)

Parents, Never stop learning!   Parenting is an art form that takes practice and effort!  If we cease learning.... we lose, and it can be the difference between a greatly successful bringing of a family together,  a cold existence living under the same roof, but not really being family, or a traumatic disruption that has profound effects on everybody.  :(

This is my last post on disruption.
This post was meant to help folks to see disruption from the Child's perspective.

My daughter is healing. She is awesome and she is strong. She is real!

There is NO DOUBT that there are situations where disruption is necessary.  I do not fault parents who find themselves in sad predicaments and do end adoptions.
My goal is not to fault anybody.  Please do not personalize what I write.
It isn't about you!

My goal is to let adoptive parents know there is HOPE and there is HELP!
BUT..... we must be willing to be introspective and see where we must change.
I have had to change a LOT of things in my life, in the views I once held and more.
It has been a good and LONG journey.