Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

Peering Over The Edge

In my last post,<---(linked) I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.  Today, I'd like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.  It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.  Please join me. :)

As many who read my blog know, our newest daughter, home 2 years and 2 months, came to us through some very difficult circumstances.  She was full of fear, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and much more when she came into our lives.  We know that the Lord called us to bring our darling home, and and that He also promises to walk with us as we trust Him.  And walk with us He has!


As I write this, my girls are getting ready for Friday Night at the Movies.   They are laughing and cheerful.
This was not the case much of this week.  Instead, chaos came to visit, and tried to stay.  It would have been easy to allow it, or join in by buying into fear, buying into the negativity of trauma, and doubting that healing really does take place. It would have been easy to say, kids with this much trauma can't heal, or obvious FASD issues make healing futile.  Those are lies.


As I have said before in other posts, when somebody takes many steps backwards, they are getting ready to lunge forwards in healing.
But why the downward spiral?  I touched on some of this yesterday, but would like paint a clearer picture. 


I know that our sweetie has seen the "Grand Canyon".  Not the real Grand Canyon, but,  if the Grand Canyon could represent all that is wonderful and right about the world she lives in, and all that will be wonderful and right about her future.... she has peered over the cliff and seen it.

Getting there has been hard work, and that was just the rim.  Getting a glimpse of the canyon, was a fearful experience for her. Why?
The reason is, because even in the world of normal, problems are still there.  Bad things still happen to people, and there are hard things to solve.  We learn to walk through them,  and conquer them.
She chose  to cling to the old familiar.... chaos..
This past week, a perfect storm brewed and came to a head.  As our social worker Kathi put it,

"This sounds like the perfect storm of hope, fear, anger, need, and trauma. It is all that Purvis and Post and Forbes talk about in one huge dose."    And she was right.

It was a huge dose.  But remembering to stay present, stay calm, presenting a united front (tidal wave) of unconditional love brought the Perfect Storm to a halt!   I love the words of Christ in Scripture when he calms the stormy sea, "Peace! Be Still!".

We rested last night, and made some plans to bring our sweetie closer for a little while.  That means, going back to a more therapeutic parenting style, as some of her fears have returned.  The explosions in Texas and the Bombings in Boston had a huge effect on her fear level.  To a child with a trauma background, it can feel like their entire world is collapsing.
The memories of the past rushed in and reared their ugly head and before we knew it, she was a big mass of anger and fear.

Many do not get that an angry child is a fearful child.  If we only dealt with the obvious anger and not the root of what was causing it, it would be like pulling the top of a weed off and expecting it not to come back.

Instead, we addressed the entire problem.  But we had to start from a place of love in ourselves, not fear of the future or what may happen.

It is hard to look past the behaviors into the root cause.  But there is peace there. And in being at peace, we can help our children who are suffering, through a crisis.

Today, our sweetie is doing really well. We have definitely made her world smaller and will continue on that trajectory for the forseeable future, until she feels completely safe once again. She is relaxing in our love for her, and in our conversations, she fully understands that the life she can have, living in a healthy, peaceful way, is attainable!

 It doesn't mean the past never happened, it just means that how you interpret it, and deal with it, comes from a strength within that will turn all things into life lessons to achieve something better.

You don't have to let your past dictate your future. 
And you don't have to let your fears overcome you and rule over you. These are the lessons we learned this week.

We also were reminded in a very practical way, that LOVE NEVER FAILS, and love never gives up. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
I can see her hiking in that Canyon someday, with great confidence. :)

Change Of Scenery

From This
To This.

I wrote a post <--- link last year about how we implemented a change of scenery to bring about healing and peace. 
In the webinar I hosted last night, the issue of "Changing Scenery" came up, and I wanted to  expand on that concept to bring about better understanding.

When a child gets stuck in a negative behavior or as BCLC calls it, a "negative feedback loop",  the point is that they are truly STUCK.  They do not know how to stop, or how to change the direction they are going.
That is where we parents come in.  We have to guide them to a place of felt safety so they can let go.
Many children who are "stuck" suffer from PTSD and truly "feel" threatened when they act out.
This could be on a conscious level or a sub conscious level. 

Changing the scenery is NOT a logical linear act.  For us, it may seem is,  illogical.
Because bad behavior in our minds = consequences.  "You do this, I do that."  It is a tit for tat scenario.  So just "deal with it"..... "If you don't want consequences, don't act out!"

We can find ourselves becoming drill sargeants passing out consequences in a continuous flow and suddenly we become combatant enemies. 

If you don't want this, I know I don't, then how can we bring about permanent change?  
                                                 Get out of the loop! 
     So, how do you do that?  You change the scenery.  When I say "change the scenery"  I am not talking about taking somebody shopping and buying them gifts to make them stop yelling at you.
That is called bribery!   That is what you see in the grocery store when a child is screaming at the top of their lungs and the parent opens the crackers or chips the child is demanding and gives it to them to make them stop.  This is not only bad for the child, it is also modeling stealing, because those chips have not been payed for!

Changing scenery has a purpose.   The purpose is to get the person who is stuck, out of stuck mode.
Just like a car that is stuck in the mud and needs a tow truck to pull them to safety, our children need us to pull them into safety.

Rocking, walking, going to a park to breathe in the fresh air and smell the flowers, can breathe new life into a very weary child and a very strained relationship. 
If this action takes them from a place of rage to a place of safety and love, you have begun the first steps towards healing.

Even with a child who says, "I don't care!" as they hurl words of pain towards you.   Your response to  them, putting yourself aside, and getting them out of that loop will bring them to a place of caring.

So I ask, if a child is raging for hours, and you have a tool to use to bring calm back into their life, why not use it?  Is it rewarding bad behavior to take a walk?  I don't think so. 
When we think this way it is because we are not looking at the whole child and only focusing in on the negative behavior.   The behavior is there for a reason.  The child is dysregulated.  To participate with them in a regulating activity can bring them to a place where their brain can function well and when they are ready, give you opportunity to lead and guide them. You can do this through  role play, offering new tools to help them keep from going into full meltdown,  and reassuring them you are on the same side. 
Consequences that are not natural, do not connect with the illogical mind or even with the logical mind.  
A child will not be able to connect, "Because you didn't do your homework, you have to go to bed 15 minutes early.  Or, "Because you were snotty to mom, you lose your video games for the day."
These types of consequences don't really teach and lead to understanding and improvement. For the dysregulated child, they can actually cause the child to spiral further out of control.  They may feel that they are being singled or mistreated.

Relationship is of utmost importance.  Building relationship through natural consequences can lead to a stronger relationship.   If you child didn't finish homework, the natural consequence is a bad grade.
You can offer compassion to them, and then say, "You know, I just bet you can do better next time!"
"I know you don't want a bad grade!"  "Maybe we can study together tonight."  And suddenly, homework is no longer a battle, but driven by the child's desire to do well.

If a child talks back or uses snotty talk, of course it must be addressed.  But for a child who is stuck,  how you address it is so very important. 

We have used the "change the scenery" tool now and then. It is not something we have had to do often, and I want to emphasize that behaviors do change.  Healing does take place and you will not be in a mode of constant meltdowns and upheavel forever.  
Things will get much better as relationship solidifies.
Also remember that grief can come in waves, and sometimes old behaviors can return briefly.
It is then we can get caught off guard and not do what is best.

A little about our own words:

"Good for you! You calmed right down!"  "Thank you for rocking with me. I love it when we rock together."  "Why would you act like that?"  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
As you learn about your child's struggles, remember that your words of encouragement go a long way in helping them to healing.  Words of discouragement can cause them to remain, stuck.

TRANSFORMING

                        
The last couple of days I have been contemplating life....not an unusual thing to do for me. :)
I was feeling a little tired, and starting to feel like I was in a bit of a "rut". 
I hadn't written in the girls' mom dad and me books for a while, and I didn't like that.  Some of my parenting was beginning to look a little on the LAZY side! 

Today, I decided as I was preparing for support group to just spend lunch time alone and read and pray.  I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH how REFRESHING that was!  Oh Wow!

And JUST WHAT I NEEDED was an encouraging word, which came from "The Connected Child".
We are going to be doing Chapter 9 tonight, and I am excited about it.  Chapter nine is about being PROACTIVE to make life easier with children who are struggling. 
I already had prepared for that so I moved ahead to Chapter 10.  It is on supporting healthy brain Chemistry, and then Chapter 11 is about Handling Setbacks.
BOTH of these chapters really ministered to my heart today. 

I was so encouraged that we are on the right path regarding nutrition, fish oil and nuts.  Healing CAN happen in a brain that is damaged by trauma.  I have known this, but it is the first time I read CLEAR, DISTINCT evidence from their own studies!

In Chapter 11, she is so encouraging.  She talks about setbacks children have and how we STAY THE COURSE!  (my wording)  She said to go back and look at where your child was when you started and then look at them now.  Are they calming easier? For increased lengths of time? Can you play a game with them?  Are they making warm eye contact?  Are they cooperating more? 

I began to think about EACH of our girls, where they came from and all that we have been through as a family.  Reading a blog post out loud to Mike this a.m. also brought to mind just how much progress we have made?
The questions asked in this blog post were heart wrenching to read, and we answered YES to MANY of them; no to a few.  It is a WORTH WHILE READ!<<---- link  Every adoptive family or potential adoptive family should read this. 

Putting it all in perspective today brought tears to my eyes as I contemplated my own life. :)
I am so happy.  My life is not normal. But I am so happy!  My girls are THRIVING and the LORD has been SO VERY GOOD TO US. 
We do have setbacks now and then.... me too.  But that is human nature.

Today,  I called the girls to me and  asked them a few questions:
(These are out of "The Connected Child" book.....)
1. When I was angry I used to........
     Now when I am angry I.......

2.  When I was sad I used to.......
      Now when I am sad I..........

3.  When I was afraid I used to.......
     Now when I am afraid I........

As we each answered those questions, ME included, I could see how the Lord was working in each of my girls' lives and in mine too. :)

We talked a little bit about grief and how sometimes it comes in cycles. We shouldn't be shocked or scared if we start feeling insecure or have memories come back, or waves of past pain. 
This is NORMAL, because we have not lived NORMAL....
I was more and MORE convinced today, of the ORCHESTRATION of our lives together by the Lord's hand.  We are in that TAPESTRY!  And the picture is BEAUTIFUL!

I decided to stop at the store on the way home and get some specific stickers that each girl would really like.  I also found 4 small, very cool, journals that will be different from the Mom Dad and Me books.  These are for me to write a specific verse or word of encouragement, and also to write down an awesome behavior I noticed, and then place a sticker on the page.  It is NOT a reward book.... just a book of acknowledgment for them to keep.  I pray that they memorize the scriptures and that the words I write encourage them to press on to new heights of love and wholeness!


It has been a good day. I can't wait to share tonight at support group what I learned today. :)
I'm loving the path we are on.  God is in the business of transforming lives.... and for those of us on this journey; we are transformed too. :)

But What About Consequences??

An Alternate Title Would Be....
"What About Punishment?"

"If you were pulled over by a policeman, because you were speeding, shouldn't you get a ticket?"

What I DESERVE vs. What I HOPE for, can be very different.  Would you WANT a ticket?  Or would you WANT mercy? 
I know for me, I would want mercy!  I have gotten both. :)

In the movie,   Les Miserables, the problem with Jarvet' was that he was a "law follower"; carrying out the letter of the law with no mercy.  He demanded consequences, when he himself  transgressed, because he didn't understand grace or mercy and eventually, it destroyed him.  He was a fear based, consequence based follower!

One of the biggest hurdles to get over, when talking about "Grace Based Parenting", or "BCLC" type parenting, is what about CONSEQUENCES?
Don't they NEED consequences???

I am going to attempt to answer this, but it is both THEOLOGICAL and POSITIONAL.

If I were to ask a Christian, what they deserved because of sin.... They would go to Romans 6:23
"For the Wages of Sin is Death... (what we are deserving of)

But the SECOND half of that same verse says, "But the FREE gift of God is ETERNAL LIFE in Jesus Christ our Lord!"

What we DESERVE vs. GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE, freely given is an amazing TRUTH in Scripture.  John 3:16 says, "This is the way God chose to show His Love for the World. HE gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have Eternal Life" 
17- For God did not send His son into the World to condemn the world, but that the world through HIM, might be saved.

(the world was already condemned back in Genesis.)

King David, whom God said was a "Man after God's own heart".... a "Righteous man"; was also a sinner.  David committed Adultry with Bathsheba while he was king. Her HONORABLE husband didn't want to dishonor the king by going into his wife while there was a battle, so he slept by David's doorstep.  The King tried to get him drunk.... he still refused, so David, trying to cover up His own sin, sent Uriah to his death in battle by putting him on the front lines.  He then took Bathsheba to be his wife.
The Prophet came to David and told him a story....
"There was a man who had a little sheep.  He loved his lamb and treated it more like a pet.
The rich man, wanted a feast so he came and TOOK the little lamb from the man and had a feast !"

As David listened to the story, he became angry.... "This man is DESERVING of DEATH!"
And the prophet said, "That man is YOU!"  "You took Uriah's wife, and had him killed"!
David was DEVASTATED by the words, and repented before the Lord in sackloth and ashes, asking that the Lord not remove His spirit from upon him and that He would wash him and cleanse him.

(This is one of my favorite worship songs, taken directly from Scripture in Psalms)

David also had many "Natural Consequences" that took place in his life.  Because of his leadership in some areas, he battled his entire life, and His family was a mess.  
But He was STILL a man who passionately wanted to serve the Lord!

As I pour through the scripture, I find case after case where those who are struggling are helped....
by the Lord.  I see the Prostitute, the Blind Man, the Lame Man, and many, MANY more...
All people with personal sin that needed forgiven. 

I see in my OWN life, so many failures and mistakes, sins, wrongs..... But GOD.....
He is FAITHFUL AND JUST to forgive!  My standing before Him is FORGIVEN. 
Why?  Because He sent His SON to take on the SIN of the World.  HE BECAME SIN FOR US... and a Righteous God, poured out His wrath upon His son, Raised Him from the Dead and IT WAS ACCOMPLISHED..... He took MY punishment.

With this in mind..... I will try to answer why we do not use "consequences", and yet our girls are thriving.  We are not raising little monsters who are demanding everything, but respectful and kind girls who love the Lord, and love us. They are not perfect, but neither am I....

I remember when Alli and I were in North Carolina in the hotel.... her confession that she needed to tell me," I have a secret to tell you, I have a really bad side"....I thought to myself.... glad she knows this.   "I have a secret to tell you.... "I have a really bad side too!"  I know I have mentioned this a few times over the last 2 years.... 
(All of our first posts on Miss Alli start in March of 2011)
I told her our bad side is called a "Sin Nature", we all have one. :)

She seemed almost relieved that she was not the only one.  I cannot find the post where I mentioned this first, but it is down there somewhere! (I need a better search engine)
The VERY FIRST thing we want to do with our children is to teach them all about forgiveness.
It is a concept that is misunderstood even in the church.
Forgiveness does NOT give license for the person forgiven to go on doing whatever they want. Forgiveness brings about LIFE CHANGE....
It doesn't happen all at once, but it has happened for EACH of our girls.

The concept of being FORGIVEN....is FREEING. Our burdens are lifted.  The heavy burdens of shame are removed and we are surrounded in unconditional love.

When our children, even our children who have had the hardest hearts, that were doing everything in the world to keep from being vulnerable again, because they didn't want to hurt again, have succumbed to unconditional love.  And they LIKE it!  THEY LOVE IT!  But it was very scary for them at first.

Their lives have CHANGED and so have ours. 
If we can talk to our girls about wrongs when they come up, and they repent, and we forgive, it doesn't make much sense to punish.  Our grace is not cheap, nor is God's.  LOVE COMES WITH SACRIFICE.  We lay down our lives each day.
We also INSTRUCT and TEACH.... as Christ said, "Go and sin no more"......
We can tell our girls after a talk, "Let's do our best not to do that.... instead, let's work on doing this!"
And we give an example.  They are willing to try, even when it is hard.

I HONESTLY do not think we would have the same results if we laid down the law and punished.
Instead, we allow natural consequences to take over.
Society does not tolerate a screaming child in the market.  (Or I should say I don't)  So when they were younger, they knew, unacceptable behavior would lead to an immediate trip home, no matter what stage we were in the market.  It has happened once to EACH of our children except for Miss Erika. :)  There was no punishment or scolding; just a following through on proper behavior.

Instead of punishing a child for talking back, address the talking back and teach them a better way to express themselves.  Sometimes, they just don't GET HOW to communicate.  Remember where your child came from.  Ours came to us, as I have always said, "Potty Trained and Talking Back!"
In Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child", chapter 8 addresses the issue of correct communication.  She has a short list of "good words" "bad words" to teach appropriate communication.
Instead of "I hate you!"  "I feel sad or angry".   Instead of "That's not fair!"  "I feel jealous".
etc. Redirecting from inappropriate to appropriate can happen by saying, "That is not ok!"  "Let's try again."  IF you have been practicing and teaching (disciplining/discipling) on appropriate responses, your child will be prepared to respond correctly.

DISCIPLINE IS WHAT YOU LIVE OUT! IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, BUT IT IS CONTINUAL TEACHING WHILE THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT!

Stay away from the bossy "Because I said so's".   Instead, if a child asks why, offer them an answer.
Why not? 
If we are building relationship, they need to be able to trust us, and asking why, is not a bad thing.
I used to tell my boys that I don't mind answering why, but I want you to obey first....
With the girls this has worked  LATER, but not in the beginning. I needed to answer the why and then I had to go the second step and teach them why it is important to obey first, especially because it could be a safety issue.
"Mama will ALWAYS do what is best for you and keep you safe!"  "Trust me!"

So back to the police scenario.... "When your kids grow up, they won't be pampered by the police or job etc."  This is VERY TRUE, and it is something we TELL them and teach to them, giving examples of what COULD happen in the job market, or in general society, preparing them that you might GET that ticket.  And when you do, it will be according to the LAW, and it will be deserved, and you must be respectful and take responsibility.

As they have learned to be responsible at home, this will carry over into society as they get older.
We are to teach the statues and laws of the Lord to our children when they wake up, as we eat, as  we walk together and talk together...and as they go to bed. 
What are those laws?  They are laws on how to honor God and treat mankind.
They can be summed up in 2 commands.  "Love the Lord your God with All your Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself.

In order to love your neighbor as yourself, you have to LOVE yourself!  It isn't the self satisfying love of pride.... it is a healthy love, a right perspective that we have value, because GOD values us.
And then, we teach our children that the golden rule ISN'T do to others what they do to you!  It is NOT and eye for an eye! 
It is, "How do YOU want to be treated?"  Treat others in that way.

I have actually had a girlie tell me one time.... I want you to hit me. :(  This was a long time ago.
I told her, no. I don't want to hit you, I want to hug you.  She sobbed.  Her shame was deeply ingrained.
We have come a LONG ways from those days.  In fact, it was almost 2 years before her heart truly softened.  She sat on my lap one day and said, "Mommy, I want God to take my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh". 
She knew what this meant because I shared it with her all the time.
The day came, where she was able to put her guard down, leave her RAD behind and move into GRACE and MERCY.  

Looking back on the last 9 years of our lives has taught me more about LOVE and GRACE than I have ever learned in my entire life, and I'm old. :)

What some do not understand about Grace based parenting, is that you are NOT SPOILING your child by choosing to disciple them.  Disciplining them is TEACHING them all about the ways of life, teaching them about the narrow way that leads to life and the broad road that leads to destruction.
When we love them through their confessions and do not grieve them, or shame them, they GROW.
They grow in relationship to us, and they grow in themselves, learning forgiveness and HOW to forgive! We grow as people and it spills out into other relationships, including our marriages,
work relationships and how we deal with others.  It is a new set of lenses to view the world through.

Forgiveness is PARAMOUNT to healing in the life of the traumatized child.  It is PARAMOUNT to healing in the life of any person.
If you are harboring resentment towards your child, even secretly, it could quite possibly be coming out in your parenting, and your child will pick up on it! 

FORGIVE them and Heal Together. :)

Do You Go Into Your Child's World?

One of the best ways to understand a child, is to go into their world of imagination and experience and look at things from their perspective. 
If we don't see things how they perceive or view them, we will have difficulty trying to draw them out into a more accurate picture of reality.  Once you have gone into THEIR WORLD, YOU CAN PULL THEM OUT INTO A MORE HEALTHY PLACE....  A place of Innocence and Imagination!
It happens slowly for many children who are very, very hurt. 
Connecting with them can be as simple as studying what their favorite subject is and then doing something together.  It could be taking them to the dog pound to pet and walk dogs, because they are worried about the "dogs" who have no owners.
This might give you a clue about something else they are too afraid to tell you about; being worried about children who have no parents. 
After a light hearted time of walking dogs or petting them over asking about how they got there, you can then take opportunity on the way home, or while eating ice cream or going for a walk to transfer those feelings to caring about humans, and how many children do not have parents. 

"I am so glad that you are a part of family now!  I am so glad you don't have to be alone anymore!"

And then, you can help them pray for the children that we are all haunted by; left behind in orphanages and alone.

I remember working so hard to try and get into Anna's world.  She had imaginary friends, "Holly and Sister Nothing."  I remember one of the first times it happened, she had been home just weeks and we were in the van.  She didn't like the radio station so we turned it off.  I have learned that Anna MUCH PREFERS calm and quiet to busy noise, and that is ok. 
But I decided to turn it into a game for her. 
"Well, what do you want to listen to?  And I pretended to turn the radio on and started singing. 
She wanted it turned down, so I told her to turn it down.  She caught on, and turned my volume down, then up then down.... and then she switched channels.  We had so much fun being silly and switching channels and volume, I think I even tried my hand at Spanish.  She let her guarded little heart down and her childhood innocence and joy popped out. 
That defining time gave me hope that there was a little child in there wanting to pop out and be vulnerable once again!

Don't forget in all the craziness of parenting children who have trauma backgrounds to remember,they are children, and children love to imagine and play.  If they have forgotten how, or never learned, one of the best things you can do is teach them to play.

But when you teach them, gently introduce parameters. "Oh sweetie, we only speak nicely to our dollies.  We wouldn't want anybody to say something like that to us! So we shouldn't say it to our dollie. " 
(Watching and listening is vital to catch windows into their little hearts, but do not let their hearts go unchecked)
If they are pretending, do not allow them to pretend to be a bad guy. "Good guys only! You live in a good guy zone!" 
Don't allow them to pretend to shoot a person EVER, and NEVER EVER in a video game!
"We only pretend to shoot at targets like tin cans."
If they are playing with blocks and only know how to throw them, teach them to build, stack, make a truck, make a house... "What would you like your house to look like?" 
The children may only throw them because they don't know what to do with them!
FINGER PAINTS are GREAT for kids to use eyes and hands and design things. If you mess up, you just smear it over and start again!
We have parented all of our children in this way.

One thing that has brought  me such joy over the years has been watching my children play. 
Each of our girls had to learn how to play and use their imaginations.  We started with games like Anna and I did, and then gave them dollies and blocks.   We kept their toys basic and simple, and made sure they would cause them to have to use their imaginations. 
I remember Anna had no idea how to take care of a baby doll. :(  She carried it by the foot and looked at me like "What do I do with this?" 
That was my opportunity to play with her and teach her to play.
"What is your baby's name?"  "Oh, I think she is hungry, can you feed her?"  "Watch her head, she is very tender and tiny!"  "I think she might be cold!" "Your baby is crying, you need to go and pick her up, we mustn't let babies cry!"
And then we would PLAY together.  She picked up on playing pretty quickly.
Our newest daughter Alli, who came home at 11, also did not know how to play.  Her sisters and I were able to draw her into a world of imaginary play and that healing play has been vital for her.
She was finally allowed to be a little girl.  She didn't know who she was when she came. She was lost in a sea of grief, tragedy and confusion.
When she first came home, she was talking about vampires and music groups. 
She had been told she was too old for the very first Easter Egg Hunt she had ever seen and was not allowed to participate. 
(Something she remembered when we gave her a doll that was not a barbie doll)
We made SURE she had an Easter Egg Hunt, and let her know that even Mom likes finding Easter Eggs.

She makes everybody laugh with her play now. She is VERY GOOD at creating and being in the "Olden Days", her favorite period of time.  
"Hey, let's pretend we are sisters and that we home school and we live in the country!"  LOL
But then, she adds, and everybody has to do school by oil lamp, or wear long dresses and get the eggs. She and Sarah have made paper monies and they buy and sell at a market they created on the front porch. 
All of them make movies now, and write scripts for them.  Sarah has been working on a HUGE mystery from when her friends come over. They all have clues with ribbons tied around them for a big interactive game.
It is so important for our children, who have missed much of childhood to have the opportunity to BE CHILDREN before they enter the next stage of life. 
It is a vital part of healing. 
If the idea of Playing with your child exhausts you.... think of it as cheap therapy. :)  Eventually, once they learn to play, you can be more of an observer, and they wind up playing with each other.  And then you get to joyously sit back and watch the magic of childhood.

This is one of Mike's favorite scenes from Martian Child.

The Art of Discipline Part 8: Do you EVER Raise Your Voice?

 ( I just took this photo of my Alli and Bella) :)

I wrote about what "CORRECTION" looks like and showed a video in this post.
This is what instructive correction looks like....  But I wanted to follow up lest I lead people astray that you should NEVER us a firm tone of voice.

I believe STRONGLY that using a soft and tender voice is necessary, and should be the NORM, especially for a traumatized child.  However that does not mean milk toast parenting.  It does not mean that you are not an authority.  You are; and a parent who learns to be an authority in their child's life based upon respect and love has their child's heart.

IF you are not using an authoritative voice all the time, (I am not talking about yelling, as yelling is not ok  I am talking about a firm quick NO!) that quick response will definitely get their attention.
And sometimes that is exactly what is needed. 
Parents who are always yelling or speaking harshly have to raise the level again and again as kids just get used to it as normal... then when you are wanting them to listen quickly, they won't. 

(Not that children are dogs, but it is very true in training animals, that a soft and tender voice needs to be used so that when you need to say a firm NO, the dog will listen. Otherwise, they will ignore you.)

There are times when a child is being disrespectful or in an inappropriate "mood"..... where a quick firm "NO"! or "STOP! NOW!".... is very appropriate.

We had that scenario this a.m. Alli woke up and wanted to make breakfast and it didn't turn out so well. She also was not wanting to receive any help.... which was just not going to work. She decided to just walk away while we were talking to her.
This is NEVER, EVER appropriate. It is disrespectful and NOT allowed! 

My tone changed from soft to "STOP NOW!"   And our daughter stopped and came back and sat down. 
I believe that if we were always using that tone, or if we were "yellers", she would have kept on going. 
My tone startled her, which was my intent.  I needed to quickly get her attention.
She said she was headed outside so she could be happy.  I let her know that going outside will not bring her happiness, because the discord in her heart goes with her outside.  And then, I waited to talk to her anymore, so she could take that in.
In the mean time, we went out and rescued the chicken from the dogs next door. (brave chicken) We will be clipping wings tonight.:)  We fixed a fence, and then rescued the goats who escaped from an unlocked fence.
Yes, our morning was eventful! LOL

I also, needed to become calm internally, so I spent some time praying while I was helping Erika finish up the morning dishes.  I always want the Lord to use my words to bring about LIFE and PURPOSE in my children. 

We were starting a little late due to the disrespect that had happened earlier, and Alli said, "Aren't we going to start? We are late!"  
I said, "We are late because of disrespect." "We will start when mom is ready, and I'm not ready quite yet." 
About 10 minutes later, I felt I was ready to lead our morning study. We always open with reading a chapter in the bible and talking about it.  They all enjoy this, and so do I.
But this a.m., I believe that God had me do something a little different.

I had listened to an old sermon from Richard Wurmbrand while I was walking on the tread mill.  I like to listen to sermons.  This one was called "The Faces of God". 
He talked about how one of his torturers while he was in prison, was an ex priest. He was now a secret police interrogator who was a ruthless man who tortured Christians.
He had the bible out and asked Richard, "Do you believe this?"
And Richard said, "Yes".
The man confessed to him that he had been a priest but was scared of the communists and saved his own life by joining them. 
His confession went on and on.  And then, Richard asked him, "Do you believe in God, in Jesus and that he died for sin?"  The man said, "Yes."
Richard then asked him, "Did he die for YOUR sin?"
He said, "No". 
And then Richard was able to share with him that Christ knows how awful our sin is, every sin, and He took them ALL upon himself WILLINGLY and gave his life for us. 
Your sin cannot be too great for God.   He is greater still.
And that man, that torturer, became a true believer at that time.

As I shared this story with my girls this a.m.  I looked at my Alli and all my girls, "Even back in Genesis, God said to Cain, "Sin crouches at the door, but YOU MUST MASTER OVER IT!" 
"Are we striving to master over our sin?  Are we truly struggling to overcome?"  "Or are we letting old habits creep in and take over?"

I asked each of my girls to find a different part of the house and go and spend about 10 minutes in prayer. 
When they came back, we finished up with praying for the countries on our clothing.

But I wasn't finished. I needed to use some instructive correction with Miss Alli.  I also felt that Alli needed to watch the video from yesterday that I had not shown her, and the one from today that nobody knew about. They were very similar.  At first she didn't want to, but I told her I wanted her to see, so she could truly understand what I was talking about.
She sat in my lap and watched herself. The camera does not lie. It was raw video, and she was appauled at how she sounded. 

Once again I reassured her that watching this video was not to embarrass her, but to help her to see what we are talking about.  She commented, "Mama, you were only trying to help me and I was so rude."  Yes, you were.  But I forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself.  And you ALSO need to STOP speaking in a disrespectful tone, and do it over in the RIGHT tone.

She immediately got up and said she had to go out to daddy and tell him how sorry she was.
Her sorrow was genuine, and I expect that she learned something valuable today. :)

(Just as a side note):  The use of a camera should NEVER be to humiliate.  It should be used sparingly, and as a teaching tool for both YOU and your child.  I learned something yesterday. Alli did not understand the difference between upset and angry.  She learned that today. :) 
I believe it is an excellent tool for parents to learn about what THEY are doing that can be changed.
The camera can be MISUSED, if it is being used to follow a child around and narrarate, similar to what happened on the 20/20 show I wrote about here. 
 

Another Alli Update

 We are almost at 19 months. (October 2nd)
Alli is doing WONDERFULLY!   She is embracing school, family, and everything about life.  She is making up for LOST TIME! LOL

Her passions are art and animals.   Tonight we put out some "Live Animal Traps" for stray cats.  She was a little upset that we plan to send the stray cats we catch to animal control, but held it together VERY WELL!

This week, Mike and I had a serious prayer issue and told the girls we would not be eating.    I saw Alli's face INSTANTLY turn from happy to fearful.
I went over and asked her, "Are you afraid our prayer issue is about you staying or leaving?"  She said, yes.   TRAUMA!
That made me so VERY sad!  We both hugged her and said, "Sweetie, you are NOT going ANYWHERE! We LOVE YOU! You are here for good! No matter what! :)

She responded VERY well with a trusting heart once again. 
That reminded me of just how fragile she still is. :(

The great thing though is that she is responding WELL in general life!  I am truly amazed at the hard work she has done, and how GOD has worked in her life.
Mike and I were talking tonight about just that.  She has come SO FAR it is amazing!

When we started on this journey, we figured due to her extreme background, we would not see attachment for a LONG time.... But this little girl has exceeded that idea big time!
She is definitely a MINICH through and through. :) 
One of the newer things she is doing is going out to seek affection from her daddy. :)  His heart just grows 10 sizes when she comes to give him a hug or kiss or just sit with him.  I have seen her do this over and over, where before, she wouldn't accept any affection from him.

Today I spoke with our pastor, and in that conversation I told him it is hard to fathom and understand the backgrounds of our girls. They seem so surreal.... But they are VERY REAL.
Trauma HURTS.....
But the Lord can HEAL HEARTS!

I am so proud of our little girl.

Timing

I was asked a really great question yesterday by a soon to be adoptive mom who is reading both "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, and "The Connected Child."   BCLC is written by Heather Forbes and TCC is written by Karyn Purvis.

BOTH are really good books and both I highly recommend.  The question was, "Do they sort of contradict each other?"     I can totally see how it could look that way, and in a way, it is possible that they DO, IF you are trying to use them both on a newly adopted child. 

Let me explain..... 
I believe that Heather Forbes BCLC book is perfect for a child who is NEWLY home and for ALL children with EXTREME behaviors.  But as your child attaches and sort of "graduates" in behavior, then Karyn Purvis's offers excellent examples of how to stimulate and help a child flourish. 

Now, In the Connected Child book, she goes into wonderful detail about the backgrounds of children and where they have come from, but I think some of the methods with a brand new child would not work. I KNOW it would not have worked for 2 of our girls because of the deep wounds and lack of trust in the beginning.  But now that we are in a different season, MUCH of what she has to say is just fine.

So I guess what I am saying is that TIMING is VERY IMPORTANT. 
The way we can talk to Alli today, is MUCH DIFFERENT than what we could do 17 months ago.
She was so insecure and only had one volume and one emotion that she let show when she was upset. She didn't know the names of other emotions or how she was really feeling. She didn't look at us with direct eye contact when she was upset.  And I do not believe in forcing it.
Using BCLC techniques were ESSENTIAL in helping her heal. 

I think Karyn Purvis' Book, is a book of how we have always parented in a normal circumstance, even with our boys.  There is a lot of common sense in it.  She suggests eye contact, and today, I can say to Alli, "Look at mama's eyes".... and she will.  But 17 months ago?  It couldn't be forced in the moment.


I had to literally test where she was emotionally by placing my hand near her fist.  She would bat it away and I would put it near and then as I soothingly talked to her, I would put my hand closer and closer until she took it and held on.  THAT was my cue that she was ready to be comforted and after a few minutes I could THEN ask her to look at me.  Sometimes she was too ashamed, so I would just tell her she was beautiful and then offer a different way to do things next time. :)

If I were in the process of adopting again, I would say that reading both books is paramount!  There is much to glean from both.... but I would be 100% BCLC for quite a while, and THEN when a foundation of  trust was formed, I would then begin to use some of Karyn Purvis's techniques.

BOTH BOOKS STRESS gentle and tender voices.  BOTH books STRESS kindness and respect.

And RESPECT is a TWO WAY STREET.... IF WE WANT RESPECT, WE NEED TO GIVE IT. We are our children's example of what that looks like.

Children learn and grow differently depending upon personality and situation.  You CANNOT RUSH HEALING. 

I just love raising our kids.  There are challenges and struggles, but the Reward is great. :)  Seeing little lives change before our eyes is an amazing experience.  What a blessing we have been given.

Fear and Relationship

For those of you who have children who came to you with MULTIPLE, OVERSTUFFED Trauma bags, I pray this post can bring you hope.

 I have written much over the years about Trauma and FEAR and how our children, because of literally living day in and day out in a state of trauma,  their brains have learned to interpret trauma as normal every day life, and a life that is not full of trauma,  as something to be TERRIBLY feared. 
The truth is that FEAR is their familiar, and in a strange way, something they embrace.  Why? Because they know nothing different, and they are too afraid of the change.

So, if you are living with a child who's behaviors are over the top FEAR.... which can come out in many ways, INCLUDING: defiance, control, anger, frustration, hyperactive behaviors, hypervigilance, withdrawl, disassociation, depression, anxiety, PTSD, RAD, etc.  there is an answer.
There IS healing, but it will take a HUGE commitment to learning how to reach them AND it will take TIME. 

Just as much as our kids need to change behaviors, WE DO TOO!.   I wrote a post earlier about "When We Need to Change", this is a part 2 for that post. :)

I think that the very hardest things for we parents to get, is that when what LOOKS LIKE outright rebellion and defiance are staring us in the face, what we are REALLY facing is a STRONG reaction to FEAR. 
Many MANY times our kids may not recognize it themselves, because THEY don't know anything BUT fear.  It is, and has been a HUGE part of their lives. It is that strong survival instinct that has become their accomplice in life.  I won't call it their friend, but it is certainly their familiar companion.
I use the word accomplice, because an accomplice is NOT a good person to be with.  FEAR, CAN be a healthy thing in appropriate situations, but for our children who have suffered so much, it is an accomplice for them, an albatross about their necks, holding them in a prison of torment and despair, refusing to let them go.

We have some of the BRAVEST of children. :)   I say this very seriously.  It is a BRAVE and STRONG child that learns to overcome.  And it does NOT happen overnight.  IN FACT, it cannot happen, until our children take the plunge of TRUSTING us.  That bridge of trust is a FEARFUL bridge to cross.  Imagine yourself walking over  a shaky bridge with  pieces missing, over a burning hot fire down below, where one misstep will cost you your very life.  Imagine that you are so terrified that just trying to make that step forward is so daunting, that every fiber of your being holds back.
That is what it is like for some of our children.

Now, imagine yourself, as a parent on the other side of that bridge.  Are you the parent holding your hands out, encouraging your child to come and trust you with warmness and acceptance?  Or are you the parent who is standing on the other side saying, "Why Don't You Just Get Over Here?  What Is Wrong With You?  Hasn't It Been Long Enough? Why Don't You TRUST US???"

Our children will not get there on their own.  They NEED us to disarm that fear mechanism and take the plunge of trust.  But WE MUST be that instrument they can TRUST!

This brings me to the Amygdala.  This is the part of the brain that processes emotion.  There is no logic here, just interpretation of data with emotion.  There is no reasoning here.  And for kids with TRAUMA backgrounds, it is MESSED up! It takes over and causes the thinking part of the brain to not be able to reason.  It interprets the unknown with fear and our children will go into a fight or flight mode, or they will regress into themselves and shut us out. 
Our children's brains became wired this way in order to survive.  It took time for this connection to take place.....circumventing the reasoning part of the brain,  but the GOOD NEWS IS, IT CAN BE CHANGED! It is NOT a forever thing, if we can learn to reach our children.

I received a letter from a reader not too long ago who's new son had severe RAD.  She said nobody in their state would even take him for fostering,  and now, just 6 months later, he is connecting to them.  She was SOOO HAPPY! And I am thrilled for her. :) 

Miss Alli is another one who continues to make huge steps of progress in adjustment and trust. 
I too have learned myself, to REMEMBER what I am truly dealing with, if FEAR shows itself.
It is awesome to see how quickly something can be resolved that would have taken HOURS or days just over a year ago! 

Our children all were functioning in FEAR mode when we first brought them home, and FEAR IS NOT LOGICAL! That is why LOGIC does not work.  There is no reasoning in fear.  FEAR is a raw emotion, not based upon logic.
I believe one of the reasons that I understand how paralyzing fear is, is that as a child, I was TERRIBLY fearful.
I was so full of fear, (much of which nobody knew, because I chose not to share it) that it was paralyzing. I was the child who withdrew and shut down.  I turned my fear of a person, into an unreasonable fear of the dark, and being alone. It  carried into my adult life until 2 of my boys were already born.   I had to learn to identify why it was there, and conquer it!  It was HARD!

I know there are those that do not believe that defiance  or control is a fear mechanism.  They don't believe that a child who is disrespectful is fearful.  I cannot do anything about that but I DO know that as a child I felt RAGE and DEFIANCE.  I didn't act out on it, but it was there, brewing.
I almost feel like the child who actually expresses how they feel, is a little healthier and stronger!

I continue to write about our very real experiences with TRAUMA and how we have been able to help our children overcome, in hopes that it may be of help to somebody out there who is really struggling.  In the process of understanding my own children,  I personally have been able to unpack many more of my own personal traumas of the past, and lay them to rest. :)

Now back to the amygdala.  Did you know that it can be REWIRED to CALM down and not over react!  It CAN!  A  long time ago I used the term "rebooting", but a counselor friend of mine said, rebooting gives the idea of something happening right away, like flipping a switch.  He said "rewiring", is more like it.  That gives the concept of time.  Because it DOES take time.

We REWIRE the amygdala and give our children something new to hang onto.  Instead of FEAR, we offer them TRUST.  We offer them TRUE LOVE, which is an action on our part.  And the result of this rewiring, will be a mutual, REASONING,trusting, relationship. The defiance and rebellion will begin to disappear and a true relationship based upon mutual respect and affection will begin to take shape.

RELATIONSHIP is of UTMOST importance.  If you have no relationship, you will have no trust.
It must be NURTURED and PROTECTED....  Things that destroy relationships with our children, OR PREVENT THEM FROM FORMING IN THE FIRST PLACE are judgmentalism, harshness, unfair treatment, being controlling, anger, condemnation, shortness, over reacting,  bitterness, self pity, non acceptance.  Parents, these behaviors need to be FAR from us.  Yes, I'm talking about US, not our children.   HOW will they learn to trust us or WANT to trust us, if we give them nothing to hold onto for safety.
ACTIONS THAT BUILD RELATIONSHIP AND TRUST ARE:
Love, understanding, patience, kindness, gentleness, acceptance, Peacefulness, honesty, affection, laughter, humor, conversation, LISTENING, taking interest....

I am so glad that when we come to Christ, He accepts us with open arms of Love.  There is no condemnation for those in Christ.   I cannot imagine that GOD would save the sinner and then turn around and condemn him when he fails.  Instead, he love us, patiently guides us and corrects us in full acceptance with GREAT mercy and GRACE..... and yes, it is UNDESERVED.

God calls us onto a journey in our lives and causes us to grow in our Spirits over time.  He doesn't expect a baby in Christ to suddenly stand before a pulpit and parse verbs in Hebrew and Greek! 
Sometimes, I think that however is how we treat our newly adopted children.
They have NO IDEA what a family is, how it operates, how to interpret all the rules and nuances that each family has, let alone understand in many cases the new language they have had to learn!
And if there is continued tension, there is also no relationship. 
We need to remove the LOG from our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our children's eye so that a true relationship can begin!

We need to be a rope of SAFETY in our OWN behavior,  so they can DARE to TRUST.  By   going over and over and over and over again the process of offering LOVE and TRUST and NOT a reason to fear, .... Through that repeat process, the brain will be rewired. 
And that is SO SATISFYING! It makes me just so excited!  Especially when I get encouraging  letters of success. :)


Baby steps..... in the beginning and then..... a wonderful bouquet of wonder! 
Our children are complex blossoms waiting to be discovered.

When We Need To Change

There are so many times in parenting that we have to be on our toes, try to navigate 10 steps ahead, and be ready  to meet any challenge.  That is our job as parents. 
When we are dealing with hurt children, who come from backgrounds full of trauma, we need to be ever more vigilant to listen to what they are telling us through direct communication or through behaviors.

Are we eliciting a FEAR reaction from them?  If so, why?   What are WE DOING that  WE can change in order to bring about a different response in our children?
You may say, "But I didn't do anything different than I have normally done , and everybody else has survived!" "I am a good parent!"  Well, that may be true, but THIS child, needs something different.  He or She needs you to take a closer look at HOW you parent and tweak some things. There is no weakness in tweaking. :)  Taking a long hard look at how we parent is a GOOD thing! Seeing where we need to change is a sign of strength, not weakness. It is a sign of success  failure! 
Being brave and seeing the real us, with all our faults and weaknesses, will show our children that it is OK to need to change. It is not the end of the world to be wrong, or to have areas that need tweaking!  We ALL do! And we can learn from ourselves and each other!
Are you a screamer?  Do you lose your patient attitude easily or get frustrated and over react?  Do you go back to old habits that are not acceptable when your child's challenging behaviors frustrate you? 
How is your child supposed to change if you don't lead in the area of change yourself? 

When our children see Us catch ourselves in an old habit, admit that habit, apologize and start again, it gives THEM permission to do the same. They don't feel singled out, or so very different.
We can lighten up with HUMOR thrown in, and change is actually enjoyable.
"Well, I sure could do that one differently; don't you think??"  And suddenly you can turn a possible disaster into a teaching moment. :)

I remember when Alli first came home, how many things I needed to tweak to meet her special needs. She was so fragile that I had to be very careful how I spoke even when I thought I was being gentle. She needed MORE gentle.  She didn't need me to lose my temper with her, even though hers could be out of control.  There were times when I didn't show her the self control I was asking for HER to show! And I had to apologize.

One of the best things we can do for our children  is listen to them. Are they telling us that we are causing them fear or that they are needing us to be more tender?  LISTEN, even if you think you are being tender and kind.  You can't err on the side of listening, compassion and understanding. 
Do you want your children to listen to you?  Model it.

Be that Living Tree, Unmovable, planted by refreshing water so that your children will want to come and drink of the unconditional love you have flowing from you. 
The change that you want to see in them will happen as they learn to love and trust you more.
Many of the behaviors our children exhibit, are a direct result of past trauma, having to be in control to survive, and a lack of trust.

 For the traumatized child, some of their more disturbing behaviors  are not "moral" issues for them. They are survival issues.  We may see their survival behavior as an immoral behavior, when for them, that is NOT how it was intended.
That miscommunication can cause some real fear in parents and serious frustration.

When you  see a child with cookie crumbs all over their mouth, the smell of chocolate chip cookies on their breath, yet hear them  say, "What cookie?" "I didn't eat a cookie!"  Our fear takes over and says, "My child is a liar with no conscience!"    Two of our children have been accused of having no conscience in other homes they were in.
 My observation is that both of these children are very, VERY tender hearted and sensitive.  They were never without conscience. They were trying very hard to protect their tender spirits from being crushed.

Our children will not understand why WE get so bent out of shape over the very behavior they HAD to use in order to survive; because for the child, all that time, it wasn't an issue of right or wrong, it was an issue  of survival. But THEY don't understand quite yet that it is no longer needed.

If we come down hard, grounding, yelling or use other forms of punishment, of COURSE they are not going to understand. The defenses will go up, they will have been judged and they will be hurt even more.
However, if we remain calm, getting to the root of the issue, (possibly hunger) and reassure them that there will always be food, and let them know how sorry we were that at one time they didn't have food.... THEN we can  put them at ease and teach the importance of telling the truth, explaining the there is a moral issue with truth telling vs. lying etc.  and calmly bring them to a new understanding.  THEN we can work with them over time in changing the behavior without shaming them, and  the eventual result, will be a child who tells the truth.

I am so thrilled with Miss Alli's ability to look me in the eye and tell me that she is the one who spilled something or she is the one who left the door open.  Or, sometimes she'll come to me and say, "Mama, I'm sorry, I did this.....(fill in the blank).   A year ago??? No WAY that would have happened on her own.
She was so ashamed of herself and her view of herself was so low that to admit any wrong would have just been too much to handle.  Today, things are MUCH different.  She knows her value is not placed upon what she does right or wrong, but she is valued just because, and she IS TRULY VALUABLE.  I think she finally believes this.

I asked Alli tonight a few questions that I have been wanting to ask her for awhile. 
I asked her what was different about our family in regards to other experiences.
Her answer was very interesting. 
She said that she was angry all the time before. And when she said things in anger before, her family believed what she said was true, and then when she apologized, they didn't believe her apology. 
She said in our family, when she has said things in anger, we have not believed it because we knew she was just angry, but when she has apologized, we have  believed her  and accepted her apology. 
I asked her, so when you said things in anger before , it was not something you meant?  She said that she knew she didn't mean what she said... she just didn't know how to stop herself. And she still feels badly about it.
Can it really be that simple?   Apparently, yes.

Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things......

She has since been learning to control her tongue.   Sometimes she goes back to old habits, but mostly, she doesn't.  I was surprised at the simplicity of her answer.
She wants to be trusted and believed.   We ALL do!  She has had to work really hard, but she is doing well, and I couldn't be prouder. :) 



Change is hard.... but oh so rewarding.  

Indelible

Keri asked, what was written on my heart; indelible.  I had to look up the meaning of indelible. :)
"Etched, permanently".....

There is something written on my heart; indelible. :) I would like to share it.  Hopefully, I live it, every day.
The Love of Christ is written on my heart. The GOSPEL, good news, is written on my heart.
The call from Scripture to LOVE, and to care for the orphan and widow is written on my heart.
I pray that LOVE, indelible, is etched there forever..

Today was a hard day.  I missed services for the last two, yes TWO weeks, and this turned into week number THREE....
One week Anna had a terrible sunburn. Our sunscreen didn't work.  The next week, I was in the emergency room with an infection, and then, today happened.

We came back from camp. I fully expected some fall out with Miss Alli because we left and she didn't get to go.  I just expected it yesterday and not today.  Yesterday went great!  Today not so.

I had fully planned to attend fellowship, and was really looking forward to it.  Alli was out of sorts all morning, and I so wanted her to stop what she was doing.  I figured if we just got in the car, she would settle herself down on the way.
That was not to be.
Anna always goes with Daddy to get Miss Joy from the Nursing Home, so they were already at church by the time we got there.  I asked Sarah and Erika to go ahead and we'd be in soon.
I had hoped to encourage her, but it didn't work out that way. 

She dug in and then the words started pouring out of her mouth.  I was a liar.   What was my crime? What did I lie about?  There was never an answer to that.   Trauma doesn't make sense; but it does hurt. 
I was caught off guard.  I finally got her out of the car and she was to go into her class, where daddy teaches, but the entire time was insisting I was only trying to embarrass or humiliate her.  I simply told her this was not the case.  She was embarrassed because of her own behavior not mine. I have nothing to be embarrassed about.  I would never try to humiliate her ever, and she knows this; but I had a class to help teach, and I wasn't there. 
I felt so bad about letting my co teacher down. :(

But I told Miss Alli that she was important, and I needed her to understand that she was my priority.
She was reduced to a 2 year old refusing to go into class, so we went home. 

I have to say, I was not a happy mommy.  Tears flowed.  I really NEEDED to be there, and I wasn't.
I know many may not understand or may think I should have done something different, but when Trauma invades, it is overwhelming and powerful.  All I could see was the best thing to do was to go home and start over.

Once we were home, she started to ask me if I wanted her to clean or help with dishes. Did I want her to check on the chickens? Feed the fish?  Take out the trash? 
I told her no. I don't.  What I want is for her to trust me and trust daddy.  I want her to NOT call me a liar and to control her tongue.  I want her to be a part of a HAPPY FAMILY and to understand that ALL of us are human beings, who live and breathe and feel.
With that last statement she muttered, "And what am I , an alien?"
THERE WAS MY KEY..... She didn't include herself in my statement "all of us are human beings"... 
She was back to us vs. her. 
It is such a difficult bridge to get past!  She has crossed it many times, and then retreated.
I cannot wait for the day she crosses it and BURNS the way back!
I cannot wait for the day that she FULLY embraces her family and never looks back.

We had a very good talk about what happened this morning and also discussed once again what true repentance is.  The "I'm sorry with attitude, vs. the "Mom, I am truly sorry", and there is positive action afterwards.  There is CHANGE with a repentant heart.  She wants this, I know. I have no doubt. Sometimes, she just gets stuck.  Today was one of those days.

But the Lord has called me to patiently wait, patiently guide, and patiently bear the burdens of pain that those of us who work with children of trauma, bear.
Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is triumphant.
Today, it is lonely.
I miss my friend J.J. who used to live so close. 

So how am I living out the gospel?  How am I loving?  The scripture says to "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the Law of Christ."  
I am bearing Alli's burdens... I am taking her before the Lord, I am choosing to love her, when she is choosing to hurt. 
She asked about punishment and if she could pick one.  I told her no.   She needs to trust us.
If we feel she would benefit from a reminder, we will be the ones to decide such a thing.
I think she is wondering about this right now. :)   That last little bit of possible "control", cloaked in "how about if you give me THIS consequence" was taken away. :)

I told her I do not like punishment and consequences. I WANT her to learn from true discipline, not punishment. I explained to her the difference between the two.  She was deeply listening.  We are past the events of the day and she has been really doing well since noon time.

Me?  After being sick, going to camp, coming back and this.... I am rather exhausted.
I choose NOT to have TRAUMA written on my heart, indelible...... It is there, but I pray that the only thing INDELIBLE will be the LOVE of Jesus Christ.
And as for Miss Alli, I pray that our love for her, and the Love of Christ will be written on her heart, INDELIBLE~! :)

What I Did Wrong!

Well, as you can see our last few posts have been chalked full of activity. And all on MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND!
Mother's day is a trigger time for children who have experienced trauma, and typically we do not make a huge deal of mother's day. You can't get away from acknowledging that it exists, but you can get away from the pressure the day brings.  

We have been doing so well, and there were no clues leading up to dysregulation at all.  So we went to the ENORMOUS ANNUAL BOOK FAIR with thousands of people,  for TWO days in a row!  Alli did wonderfully both days and really enjoyed herself. 

After that, we woke on Sunday Morning to go to a different church where our precious baby grand daughter was being baptized.    Her birth  triggered Miss Alli a bit but she expressed it very well, expressing true sorrow.    The Baptism brought once again attention to "love, raise and nurture" the baby in the Lord.  That was a trigger..... because Miss Alli was not loved, raised and nurtured.  That sting of seeing loving parents dote on their newborn carries a tinge of pain.

During the service, she had a distant look and I asked her, "Are you ok?"  She said, "I'm bored."  So I had her help me follow along in the bulletin and let her know we were not there to be entertained, but to worship and see Olivia be baptized. 

We left after the service and decided to go out to lunch for Mother's day.  Everybody seemed happy about it except Miss Alli.  She demanded that Erika give her a hair band for her hair, not asking nicely.  Erika carries hairbands around with her all the time.  If in need, she has an extra.    She gave Alli one, and she rejected it.  She gave her another one and she rejected it.  The last one was Erika's favorite.  Alli said, "I want THAT one."   Erika told her no, very nicely and said, that one I keep for me. You can have one of the other two.  Alli stormed off calling her selfish.

I took Alli aside and got her calm and then asked "Who was really being selfish?"  Was it the person willing to share, or the person who demanded the other person's hair band?    There was a blank stare. (Here is where I was trying to use logic and address an issue that was both illogical and NOT the issue! duh)   ( I was looking at the behavior and not what was DRIVING the behavior)

Now NORMALLY,  if such a behavior would have occurred we would have gone DIRECTLY home,  but I felt like that would have made the other girls who were all being kind and sweet feel as though they were being punished. 
 Alli pulled herself together enough to eat nicely and we did have a good time.  

But when we got home, the attitude  returned!  She went into a full PTSD mode thinking that we were going to get rid of her, and she was bound and determined to make it happen.
(This is not uncommon.  The child will try to CAUSE the parent to reject them, and hurry up the process because the rejection is so painful.  They think there is no hope, so it is time to just get the relationship over with.)
Once again I tried to use LOGIC! "Of course we are not sending you away!"  She was NOT being logical or making sense, so LOGIC did not work.  Even though we KNOW this and even SHARE IT, it is sometimes hard to remember.  (another DUH moment brought to you by Christie)

We finally got through to her after she exhausted herself,  and we even watched a movie.

 But in the a.m. it started all over again.
Miss Alli did get up, but then it was time to start school.....   She said, "You are going to MAKE me have a bad day aren't you!" 
"Ummm.... no.  Let's get our work out please. "  Once again, I was being logical. I was ALSO NOT RECOGNIZING there was no way she was going to be able to function with math and language when her window of tolerance was barely open.  So I "logically", 1/2'd her work....... when what
we SHOULD have done, was started with art... but no, I was brain dead.
I was also not recognizing that she was looking through the lens of PTSD, not her normal self.

Things escalated just like the day before and I made a call to our Social Worker.  I am so glad she called me right back!  She was VERY helpful!  She said, "change the scenery"........ DUH once again!    Of COURSE that is what we needed to do! 
It is VERY important to have others in our lives who can help us, because we CAN  forget in the moment.  Just like our children, when we feel emotional or sad or anxious, we can't think as clearly.
Our social worker Kathi Turner is AWESOME.  She is supportive and full of fun and energy.  She even gave me a story about her dogs (we both laughed) she is trying to train.  (they are rescue dogs)
And how her tone of voice caused one to attack the other. And she instantly knew it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, when a child is stuck in PTSD mode or RAD mode, the best thing you can do is change scenery.  Now Miss Alli was in the laundry room  behind the big laundry basket.  I was able to coax her out by using a different tone of voice, catching her interest and getting her into the car.
She demanded to know where we were going.  I know she was afraid I was taking her away.  I told her she would like where we were going, but I would not tell her until she was safely in the car. 
She got in the car and the look on her face was terrified. 

It was then I said, we are going to go to the park for a walk.  We didn't get 100 yards down the road and she burst into sobs of relief and sorrow, guilt and shame, and many apologies.   
"I don't know why I do this!  I just destroy relationships!"    I reassured her that we are not destroyed.
We love her and we will always be here.  But when she pulls away from us, and feels alone, it isn't us that has left, it is her, and she needs to face that AND change it!  ( this is when we can use logic and instruction..... when they are CALM and LISTENING)

How can she make the changes she needs to?   One step at a time. :)  Baby steps to healing.....

Using this technique has worked many times in our children's lives.  It seems odd that you would go for a walk or seemingly "reward" a behavior that is unwanted, but this was not just an unwanted behavior.  It is ALSO unwanted by Alli.  She does not like it.  She just couldn't see a path to get out of it, so I provided the path FOR HER.    There are times when the girls do things they shouldn't and are corrected in a very normal way.  "That was not ok.  We don't do that because.... or You need to come inside now because ...."    

The difference  in dealing with a behavior driven by fear and not just childish irresponsibility,  is huge.   If, we try to treat a fear based behavior like pure disobedience or irresponsibility,  the fear will grow bigger and even be substantiated in thier mind. 

What happened could have been prevented, had I been  paying close attention. 
Sometimes it is hard when you so much want to do something as in the book fair and chess tournament,  Olivia's baptism and  going out on Mother's Day.  We thought that everything would work out.   I took the chance and I was wrong.    And it cost us all.     I felt mad at myself for not being more careful.  

By the end of the day, Alli and Sarah were sitting in the wheel barrow together with sketch books in hand, creating nature pictures..... :)  Everything was calm , and all just seemed right with the world. :)

We are parents by choice, and a family by choice.  It is our honor to do what we do and we love it. We learn from our own failures.  Those failures bring us face to face with our own issues, helping us to recognize where WE need to make tweaks and changes in order to help our children to grow.  Being a parent, whether your child is adopted or not, is difficult and joyous at the same time.  It is CERTAINLY a life changer.   And one of the biggest benefits of parenting, is that it causes us to press into Christ all the more, who is our source of life and strength for each and every day.

 I want to mention my other girls.  They are so amazing and loving.  While I was holding Alli, Sarah came over and said, "Mama, it is time to pray.... you too Alli!" :)  (and we did pause and pray)
 That's my Sarah; and that's my Alli. :)

THE LETTER

 

Here is a case in point  about not comprehending English.... After Alli's troubles yesterday, when we were talking, I said, "Alli, you're killin' me here..." Meaning.... you are stressing me out..... Thus, at midnight I get this letter.... :) The spelling is really impressive here. Usually when she is upset, her spelling is REALLY awful.... :)

 

Uncovering Buried Triggers

Sometimes we are like mine sweepers on the battle field unearthing  and diffusing bombs before they go off.  Sometimes we miss the mine and set the trigger.

"I'm sorry Mommy, you really are better than a horse! :)

I blogged about 3 steps back, a little while ago. 
I had noticed the last few days, in FACT right after I wrote that wonderful 14 month update, that something was going a little south.   She seemed more on edge, and I couldn't quite figure it out.

To add to her dysregulation, we had a change of plans last night and more changes of plans this a.m. along with one of Anna's friends spending the afternoon.  It all came crashing down. The "Window of Tolerance" slammed shut!.... and oh she was mad.

Trying to figure it out was tricky....I just couldn't put my finger on it.  So here I am doing my best to be in BCLC mode, yet there was this child sitting there talking back, and saying hurtful things, declaring that "YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME!"  "YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE OTHER FAMILIES!" "You think I steal!" "I KNOW that is what you think about me!" 
BINGO....
That was my clue.  What happened recently where I didn't trust her?  Actually nothing.  BUT.....
we had 2 left over containers of bubble tape from Easter. They came in packs of 3 and I had to buy 2, so we wound up with 6.... and we only have 4 girls.  The other 2 containers were on my dresser.  A few days ago, I noticed one was gone.  I didn't really think that much about it, but asked the girls, "Did anybody get into the bubble tape? One of the leftovers is gone."     Daddy said he took it, and it was over.
We really don't deal with stealing at all, and that is why I asked, because I really didn't suspect anybody.
Alli seemed a little defensive when I asked the group about it and I thought I had settled it right then. "I'm not accusing, just asking if anybody did, that is all. I'd just like to know what happened to it."

Well, her behaviors started to get more and more irritated. And she started to withdraw from family activity.  She once again separated herself from her sisters like she was the outsider......
I was just puzzled. Today when Anna's friend came over, she didn't really engage like she normally would.  She instead was inside looking at horse pictures.

When we finally got to the bottom of her outburst, it dawned on me that the only thing she could have been talking about was the gum.  So I said, "Did you think I thought you stole that gum?"  She nodded her head yes. 
"I never accused you of taking it, and we all know that daddy took it." 
"I know, but you THOUGHT I did!"
"No, I didn't think anything, that is why I asked! And frankly, if you wanted it, I would have gladly given it to you to get rid of it."

I then pointed out to her that we are not just ANY family, or the OTHER families, we are THIS family!
She started to cry a cry of relief. 
And then we had a conversation about horses. 
Horses don't hurt you. They don't reject you. They don't really have choices with you. You put a saddle on them and ride them and they obey. (if they are trained)
People DO hurt you sometimes, and love you and care for you.... and TALK to you and try to understand you.  People relate you in a way a horse cannot.
"Have you ever seen a "horse city"?"   "Do you see horses building roads?"
"That is because they are not people, they are animals!" 
Sometimes when we are hurt, it makes us want to escape by loving animals, who do not have the ability to have an equal relationship.
People relationships are HARDER than horse relationships, because People are not animals to be controlled.  People feel just like you do; they get hurt and  misunderstood too. But they also love and care and we NEED those relationships. 

She was very relieved that I didn't consider her to be a thief.  I asked her, "Have you been called a thief before?"
The answer was "Yes, in my last family. They said I took GUM." 

Sometimes, being a parent to a hurt child is like being give a tattered jigsaw puzzle and the pieces don't all quite fit, or the picture is torn off of some of the pieces, so it is really hard to put together.
But when it DOES come together, it makes total sense. 

So glad I'm better than a horse. :)