Understanding The Fear Factor

 I wrote a few days ago about how Sweetie 4 feelt safe in the orphanage and frightened in America.
I wanted to follow up on this because I think there is a valid "questioning" as to why that would be!
How could a seemingly unsafe place without hope and without future seem safer than a loving home WITH a future?

 (This is what sweetie 4's  orphanage looked like, and her town.)

 This is the craft room she remembers so well!

 The village was beautiful!

It is all about perspective, the unknown, and change.

Some children transition from one culture to another or  one home to another quite smoothly, and  with minimal bumps.  They have a clear idea of what is "normal".
Others however have very strong reactions to the change and it terrifies them.  Their "normal" is quite different from what it should be.  Their brains get wired at an early age to cling to chaos. 
So when "normal" comes: a.k.a.- Loving parents, good intentioned parents, structure, etc.
The reaction can be quite strong.  There can be a STRONG fight or flight fear reaction that can come out in many different ways.
For some children, they shut down, become robotic, unconnected and lifeless.  For others, they become combative, angry, violent, aggressive, disrespectful, and more.

BOTH OF THESE are FEAR REACTIONS..... YES FEAR!

And yes, a child can long for the chaos left behind, even though they have a seemingly wonderful situation right in front of them. YES! They can be blind to new parents and promising lives, and be TERRIFIED!

As adoptive parents 2 out of 4 of our girls had this very reaction.  Even though we loved them and were loving to them, their first response was rejection and anger.
(Rejection and Anger are FEAR based responses)

This is the part that is hard for all of us as adoptive parents.  We cannot and MUST not take the reactions personally. 
Even if a child is screaming "I hate you! or "I want to die!"    With limited English in the case of International Adoption, this might be the strongest language a child has to express their grief!

We must understand that they are reacting to the unknown with great fear . Their new normal is actually CHAOS to them!  And they will do anything and everything to recreate what they are used to. 

When I wrote that sweetie 4 had fond memories of her orphanage, I was serious. She really did. She also has fond, healthy memories of her earliest life with her bio parents.
We have worked HARD for her to talk about both...the good and the bad.
And the truth is, there is no experience that is all good, or all bad!

She has memories that are horrific....but she also has memories where she cooked with her mama, or went to visit a relative.  She has memories of playing under the house, and having a little friend; and memories of following her big brother around and going to the small store in their village.

I want her to cling to those memories and hold them in her heart.  The memories that landed her in an orphanage need to be remembered too, but only so she can forgive and learn what NOT to do!

The same goes for any other home she was in.  There are good and bad memories. 
We have encouraged her to keep the good ones and be thankful for them.  Let the bad ones go, forgiving others and forgiving herself.

The trick in taking a child from chaos (fear) to regular life (a place of love and regulation) is in our reactions to their fear.
I say this, and it sounds so simple.  The concept IS simple.  The task of carrying it out is not so simple. :)
That is just true.
It can be VERY HARD!
Why?
Because it requires us to die to ourselves.  It requires us to put our own feelings aside over, and over and over.....
A perfectly great day can occur and then.... SABOTAGE!    The child forgets their shame for part of the day and then something happens in the brain and they remember.... oh yea.... and they begin to act out.
THAT is the time where we need to be on our guard the most!
We can miss a perfect opportunity for healing, if we over react, or react out of fear ourselves!

I remember one time when we had had a WONDERFUL time and then suddenly one of our girls  began to cry and kick the backs of the seats, throwing a huge fit.  "I hated that time!" "I  hated those people!"  and more....

We had been at a cross roads with this child.  She was beginning to turn from chaos to embrace love.
But this day was just too picture perfect and her shame overcame her. 
She didn't feel she deserved such a good day and tried to recreate the day to fit her view of herself.
"Undeserving"..... "not worthy to be loved".... "Problem child"!
I would have called her "Much Afraid".  :(

Both my husband  and I immediately realized what was happening and quietly responded to her screams.
"You deserved to have fun!"  "You are lovely!"  "You are a great kid!"
As we carried her into the house kicking and screaming, we got her to the rocking chair and I repeated all those things to her, quietly.
She began to go from tantrum to sorrow....
Her screams of anger turned to sobs of sorrow.
She wept properly this time, grief pouring from her little heart and we witnessed another piece of her heart healing.

I shudder at what could have happened had we reacted to her tantrum in anger or frustration!  What if we had said, "Stop that right now!"  "You are being terrible!"  "What a bad girl!"  "You are really going to get it when we get home!" "You are going STRAIGHT TO BED!"  and then, we separated from her.... and licked our wounds of pride after her verbal assault?

I honestly KNOW what would have happened, because we HAD reacted that way before with some of those words!
Bitterness would have set in, and the next time would have been worse. We would have reinforced her very thoughts about herself, and solidified in her mind that she deserved to be treated badly.
And yes, she received it as being treated badly. 

Here is a picture of  Sweetie 1 in "time out" before we knew about "time in". :)

This picture still makes me sad. :(


NO deep healing can really take place if we are "punishment" oriented. We need to always move in the direction of healthy relationship!

It is possible that SOME kids might even respond to that type of reaction externally.... but we are looking for INTERNAL healing that shows itself in EXTERNAL and INTERNAL thoughts and behavior!

I do not desire my children to simply obey at my every command.  I want them to obey out of love and desire!  I want them to be motivated by LOVE and proper respect.
But that kind of obedience takes TIME and a whole lot of hard work!

I love the words to the song below.  It is so true for our children who come from hard places!
It is also true for us, if we are open to being changed!



"I Will Change Your Name"

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                     C               D

You shall no longer be called

G        C       D   Bm    C               D

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid

G       C                    D

I will change your name

G                C                  D

Your new name shall be

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C      G            D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

G        C         C       Bm

Confidence, joyfulness

C       G           D

Overcoming one

G           C        D            Bm

Faithfulness friend of God

C                D              G

One who seeks My face

Urgent Request

There is an urgent request from "No Greater Joy Mom" 's Blog".  

There is a group working feverishly hard to help raise the awareness of the 300 orphans who have been left languishing in institutions because of the ban on Russian adoptions to Americans. These children were already matched to parents and have already met their parents.
It has been a devastating blow to them and their potential families.

A documentary is being made, but needs more funding.

If you can help, please go to Adeye's blog and there are instructions there.

Thank you!

AWESOMENESS!

Today was an AWESOME DAY! 
It seemed that from the time we got up.... ALL WAS WELL!  HORRAY!
Tomorrow we head back to Houston to get Alli's new Russian Birth Certificate with our name on it!
She is also going to get her passport updated.
BUT.... she has a cold sore on her lip.  She was really worried that somebody would think it wasn't a cold sore but that somebody had punched her.

I HATE it that our kids have to feel so worried.
I reassured her that nobody would think that.  We will get passport pictures taken in the a.m.
BUSY DAY AHEAD!
Three girls want to go.... one is going to relish her time with dad, and the QUIET. :)

A Precious Talk With a Joyful Girl

I took Miss Alli with me to the grocery store today and she was in an especially talkative and joyful mood. :)
When our girls get like this, I know it is time to spend some time just chatting and enjoying their company. It also is a GREAT time to ask questions freely and learn something new about their past.
Today was one of those days, so we took a little detour to Chick Fila and sat and talked for a bit.

Alli was full of joy and humor.  She began to tell me about some of the funny things she remembered and some of the scary things she remembered. But now, they aren't so scary, as if she is reliving them as in a PTSD type moment. Instead, she can put them into perspective.  I am so thankful for the healing she has had in this area! 

Sometimes foods or events can trigger memories. This is what happened today.  Her birthday is coming up and she remembered being treated to a gift at the orphanage.  She only had one birthday at the orphanage and was surprised by a stuffed animal. 
She didn't remember ever having a birthday before. So I asked her, "How did you know how old you were?"   She said, "I used to pester my older sister all the time!" "How old am I?"  And her sister would tell her, until she learned how to remember on her own. :)
(I can SO PICTURE HER DOING THAT!) LOL

She then began to remember waking up one morning and the house was empty.  She was very little. Her brother and sister were gone (maybe at school?)  Her mother was gone and her father was gone. She felt scared.  She also noticed that her mother put a big bag of trash in front of the door, most likely to keep her inside.  She said she remembered, "Oh, I can get out of that!"  And she went outside to play. 
There was a small crawl space under the house she loved to play in, and she remembered getting really mad when she got too big to fit in there. :)
But her friend in the village had an attic play room and she would go there often to play.

She said, "You know mama, I don't ever remember my mama or daddy worrying about where I was, or if I was home or not, even when I was little.  Sometimes we would come home at night, and still, nobody would be home. :(
It dawned on her that we fuss over the girls if we don't know where they are, or if they are out when the street lights come on. 
That used to bother her, but now she is realizing that it is because we love her,care for her and want her to be safe.
She remembers she didn't feel safe; but now she does. :)

Alli was 7 1/2 when she went to the orphanage, and from her descriptions over the last 22 months, it was one of the better orphanages.  She remembers wonderful food the most! She has no memories of eating at home, except a memory about her mother bringing home pickles and her baby brother being very excited. She said he couldn't wait to get them.  She also remembers helping her mama cook, but just doesn't remember eating.  She was often hungry.

In the orphanage she said there was hot water but the girls had to bathe in a group and her sister would help to wash her hair.  She said some of the girls wouldn't come into the shower.

She remembered getting new playground equipment and having a snow ball fight where a boy put snow down her shirt.   She said she felt like slugging him. :)  That's my Alli! LOL

She was in the orphanage a little less than 2 years.  Her next memories were of traveling to meet the family that would bring her and her brother and sister to America.  Her baby brother was adopted by a Russian Family.
She feels badly that she can no longer remember what his name was, but she thinks it might have been something like Kolya.

On the way home, after getting beans for bean soup that she has been longing for, we looked at each other in the car and she smiled and took my hand.  I told her, "Oh, how I wish I could have held you and known you when you were so very little."  She said, "Me too mama..... but we have each other now! It's ok!"
It was a good talk. :)

Our Trip To The Euro Deli

We took our quarterly trip to the Euro Deli that the girls affectionately refer to as "The Russia Store".
Comfort foods are part of our lives. :)  The girls LOVE to find things that are familiar from Ukraine and Russia. They always find something new. :)
And HALVA is always on the list.

I must admit, I was a little bit nervous this time, as Adoptions have been banned to American Citizens.  I didn't know if the atmosphere would be different. I couldn't have been more wrong!
The girls don't speak fluid Russian anymore and I know that was a little disappointing for the owner of the store before. He always questions them on their Russian. 
Today was no different....He spoke Russian to them, and they picked up on some of it.  He also said that his own children cannot read or write in Russian but speak it, because they speak it at home.

This trip was also special, because the ladies behind the counter smiled extra, and,
when the  owner came up to the girls to give them all hugs, he then apologized about the ban and said he thought it was wrong.
He asked a few questions about the girls, something he has not done in the past, such as, where exactly they were and how we came to get them.  And he inquired about where Alli was before, since she hasn't been home as long.  When I told him, he took her by the shoulders and gave her a hug and then he said, "You are safe now! You are in a good family!"  "A VERY Good Family!"  :)   It was really touching.  She was beaming.

Everybody got a free candy bar , along with the rest of our stash. :) 

I was so honored to talk to this man, and then embarrassingly said, Pazhalsta instead of Spaciba.  LOL  I really need to work harder on my Russian.
Oh well. :)
But we all said, Dos Vadanya!

Using Fear To Control

My mama bear fur was ruffled tonight.  It has been ruffled before when I have heard similar stories from my girls. 
Many of you who have adopted children from Orphanages in Eastern Europe know the routine that our children have endured.
Instead of a bedtime story and a kiss goodnight, like many children get, they were treated, terrified with HORROR MOVIES, THREATS, AND MONSTERS.

Yes, even in the baby house.... they were forced to watch scary movies. In the baby house they were told monsters would come and get them if they talked, and then the workers would terrify them. Both Erika and Sarah remember weeping and crying in terror as they were tormented by workers who were supposed to care for them.

Tonight, it was time for Alli to shut the chicken coop door.  She forgot to do it, and as we were all getting ready for bed, she remembered. She insisted that Erika go with her, to which I said, no. Erika is already ready for bed... You go ahead and do it. 
I got a flat out "NO! I WILL NOT!" 
Now this has not happened in a LONG time, and I was a little taken back! 
So my response was not as eloquent as I would have liked. :)  I said, "Ummmm YES you WILL!"
That was probably not the best way to respond.  But as I explained to her later.... "You tie my hands to change my mind when you speak in a disrespectful way!"

She did go out and I promised to watch her from the porch.  But before she went, she said, "Mama, I'm scared!" 
I reassured her I would watch. (I was already ready for bed or I would have gone with her)
So she ran and did her job.  GOOD GIRL!
When she came back, I gave her a hug and told her I love her.  And then, I said, "I didn't know you were afraid of the dark."
She said,  "I'm not!"
"I'm afraid of the movies I've seen!"  "They happened in the dark!"
"What movies?"
"Please mama, I don't want to say!"

So we snuggled.... and I told her I was sorry. I didn't know she was afraid.  I had no idea.
Another layer of onion was peeled back for more healing!

We had a discussion about what transpired and then she came to our room to snuggle before bedtime. Both daddy and I prayed with her and then I said, "Sweetie, I'd really like to know about those movies."  She had mentioned watching bad movies before, but never any details.

She told us a few of the movies they were FORCED to watch before bedtime.  They were told murderers could come to their room and get them. 

WHY, WHY , WHY do these people, whoever they are, think this is a way to treat children?
Alli was between 7 and 9 when she was introduced to this, AFTER all the trauma she endured in her home. :(  I understand that they do this in order to keep the children in bed and full of fear. :(
It is LUDICROUS!

We prayed together once again after her descriptions of the movies she was forced to watch, and asked the Lord to take those memories from her. :(

I am so thankful that tonight happened.  Once again, FEAR was the driving force behind the behavior.  I was reminded of this!  It has been quite a while since I have gotten a NO! :)
She trusted us with her fears, and told us about them, and that is HUGE!

Our sweetie went to bed and is sleeping peacefully, while I am awake, bearing her burden.

Sometimes I have readers from Eastern Europe. I pray, if any of them work with children in an orphanage, that they would think about how damaging horror movies are to children, and consider reading them a comforting bedtime story instead.

New Requirements For Those Who Adopt From Disrution From Russia

Well, we were the very FIRST of our kind.... Yes... it is true. :)
The Treaty that was signed last year has gone into effect, and those who come after us, adopting children from Russia that are already in the U.S. will be required to fulfill a few more requriements:

We adopted Alli in America 17 months ago, but the NEW TREATY is RETROACTIVE....
When we tried to register Alli with the Consular's Office in Houston, it was WAY different than when we registered Sarah with Ukraine.... Because of all the changes.... we were caught in the middle of change.

So here is what we had to submit:

1. American adoption decree Original, notarized and apostilled... translated into Russian
2. Amerian Birth Certificate Original, notarized and apostilled.... translated into Russian'
3. Marriage Certificate, notariazed and apostilled... translated into Russian
4.Passports for BOTH PARENTS... notarized and apostilled, translated into Russian
5.Copy of ORIGINAL adoption decree from FIRST family
6. Copy of ORIGINAL birth certificate from FIRST Family
7. Copy of birth certificate BEFORE adoption by first family
8. Passport and 6 NEW passport photos
9.  Application for New Adoption Decree
10. Application for New Birth Certificate
11. Application for New Passport.

Numbers 9-11 must be filled out in Russian. If you do not have a friend to help, or if you do not know Russian, the consular's office will help.

The Translations do not need to be notariazed or apostilled.  That will be done in the Embassy.
We did both , and had more copies just in case.....

The cost was 175.00 and had to be in a money order or cashier's check made out to the Consular General of the Russian Federation.

All of these documents are kept, so if you only have 1, make sure to get more than one original when collecting documents.

We were told that this was the very first time they have processed a registration from a disruption, so it was a learning experience for everybody.  One document we did not have and could not get was the original birth certificate from the first adoptive family.  After several hours of trying to locate one, the Mr. Stanislov  filed for a lost birth certificate.
He said it will take a few months to have a new one issued and it will be sent to him.  He will call when they get it, and then we can get the new Russian Birth Certificate with our names on it and Alli's new name on it.
He issued the adoption decree right there.  Had we had the birth certificate, he would have issued that right there too as well as a new passport.  
Since we didn't have it, we will have to make one more trip to get the other documents.

I am simply happy to have all of this behind us.  Almost. :)

So, for anybody who has adopted a Russian Child through Disruption, I would be prepared for them to be looking to see where your child is and to have them registered. And I would encourage any agency handling an adoption to request original documents for your own records so that you have them on hand in case of a disruption.
They may never find you and reach you, or on the other hand, they just might.  According to the new treaty, which I have read, and the amendment DID DECLARE retroactive, all children have to be registered and new paperwork generated.
We didn't have to qualify or prove anything, it was more of just a transfer of paperwork to keep everything in order and up do date.

This is a huge relief and burden off of us now.  I hope things go smoothly for others.

Houston Bound

Tomorrow A.M.  I am leaving to get the rest of our documents apostilled in Austin, and then on to Houston to the Russian Consular's office to turn in a "mini- dossier" for the Russian Federation.   Alli has been legally adopted in the United States but the new Treaty signed by Hillary Clinton and then amended and signed by the Duma suggests that retroactively, we have to jump through numerous hoops with Russia, BESIDES post placement reports which are already being done.

I hope this concludes our paperwork relationship with them.  Although I am looking forward to meeting the nice man I have been talking to for  the last few months.  Mr. Stanislav. :)

So, I'll get back to blogging when we return. :)

In the mean time..... Have a wonderful Monday Everybody! :)

Memories

It is interesting how things will suddenly come up from the past for no reason.   Just being in the right frame of mind, at the right time, in the right circumstances can really be profitable! :)

I was talking with the girls today about some of what they remember from the orphanage days.  Alli had brought up how scared she was at night because they had to watch very, VERY bad movies.  The other girls chimed in about scary movies being shown before bedtime OR a worker coming in and pretending to be a monster and scaring the children so badly they would shake and cry.

Erika remembered the Hospital stays being a luxury, even though if she said she was having pain they told her to "shut up" :(
Erika also used to sleep close to Sarah and she remembered a worker coming in and saying to Sarah, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, I will cut it off!"  Erika remembered feeling burning anger inside at the thought of Sarah having her thumb cut off, but she was silent, and she shed silent tears for her little friend in the bed next to her.
Erika also remembered being dragged from her bad and forced to sleep in the kitchen once for talking.  Both girls remember being forced to sleep in the cold for talking.  Sarah had many nightmares when she first came home about being cold.

The orphanages that the girls were in  were vastly different.  Alli's orphanage was a much nicer and better equipped orphanage than Erika and Sarah's orphanage.  Sarah also remembers being transferred in a van to a new place (from the Sanitarium to the orphanage).  She said she was around 4, and that there was an older girl being transferred too. 
She remembered seeing a tall, tan building.  There is a tall tan building in the middle of the orphanage at Vysoki.   She also remembered a brick wall and a cellar. 

The thing that struck me from their casual conversation, was that even if a child is in a "good orphanage".... that orphanage is NOT GOOD!    While Alli had allowance, clothing, food, snacks and more, her experiences of terror at the hands of unscrupulous workers was no different that Erika's or Sarah's. :(   Sadly, she said that she was always afraid of being kidnapped or killed at night, and she wished she had had something to protect her.   
What an AWFUL thing to do to children. :(
There are many children who come over here and want to take a knife of scissors to bed to put under their pillow and their parents think they are homicidal, while in most cases, they are fearful and trying to protect themselves. :(

And for that worker to come in and pretend to be a monster and scare poor Sarah at 4 years old to the point of terrified crying, or dragging poor Erika,  just makes me burn with anger.

I sat and watched my beautiful girls laugh and talk and remember things nobody should ever have to remember, yet there was a serenity and security in their conversation, that let me know, this was truly in the past for them.  LIFE HAS CHANGED and they are loving it.

Alli finds it rather humorous that I won't allow a scary movie. She'll say, "But I've seen them, MUCH worse!"  And I say, "Yes, I know! And that is why we WON'T watch them, EVER." 
And she smiles with a look of knowing that she is loved. :)

Oh What A Tangled Web

   I feel like  Mrs. Smith.  All we did was enter a simple adoption, that happened to be a previous International Adoption from Russia, x' s TWO....
That means she was disrupted twice.

All we did was say yes to a not so simple, yet it was a simple, private adoption. We signed papers, waited the proper time for ICPC and all the requirements for United States Adoptions.  We followed the rules carefully.  We were granted the adoption and received the adoption decree and finally the birth certificate.  We agreed to do post placement reports to the Russian authorities and to register her with the Consular's office in Houston, once the birth certificate was received. 

We did ALL that.... but wait, while we have been parenting and bonding and in the trenches of helping our little girl heal from all her past trauma, there has been a back and forth thing going on with the consular's office saying we have to readopt in Russia.  Then the agency says, we don't.   Then the consular's office says we do.  Then the agency asks Moscow, and Moscow says we don't. Then the consular's office asks Moscow and Moscow says we do......

I'm feeling a bit like an international special agent on a mission.  I am not even going to give a HINT of this to Miss Alli, as she was TERRIFIED at the thought of having to go to Houston. 

I THINK I know what is happening.  That "treaty" that was signed between the U.S. and Russia is what is happening.  Even though our adoption was BEFORE the treaty was signed, they are wanting to make it retroactive.  This is a first for everybody here. The agency has never dealt with this, the consular's office has not and well, we have not.   I am thankful for a very kind consular officer to be working with.  He is really trying to do things right.

I can look at this two ways. 
1. As an adventure
2. As a real pain.....

In a way, it is both.  I have done all the extra paperwork we were never told about, which does NOT include post placement reports we WERE told about and have complied with,  and  now, we are  waiting on further instruction.  One thing I DO KNOW, we are NOT going to Russia.  I have never been there and we cannot afford to go. Period.  Frankly, I am fearful to go there.   What if they tried to make an example out of us?  And we're the ones who have made the adoption work!  (Think of the family in Ghana right now)
What if they try to say Alli is Russian and try to keep her?  This is one reason we don't want to take her to the Consular's office. 
Yes, those are REAL fears.  So, we will see how this plays out.  I know that in all things, God has a plan, and it will work out for our good.

One thing for sure: I'm getting really good at paperwork.

The latest is we will not have to GO to Russia. The paper work will be sent there and they will issue a new adoption decree and birth certificate with our names on it and her new name.
I don't mind this, but I don't understand why ALL the extra paperwork.

(As a follow up on this) 
I have YET to find a copy of the written treaty anywhere on the internet.  I have been to USCIS, the State Department, and google looking at countless articles, and only find disucssion ABOUT it, but not what is  really IN it.
Some MAJOR concerns..... Since when would the U.S. agree to let Russian Authorities into a private home??
Since when  are the agencies supposed to follow children until they are 18?
Since when is it retroactive?
One article says it is, another says it isn't.
Since when, can a person be tried for a crime here, and then tried again in another country? This is actually supposedly in the document.  Isn't that double jeopardy? Aren't there laws that protect a person from double jeopardy?

Now, I realize none of that really effects us.... except the retroactive part.  But frankly, who is to say, that somebody from Russia wouldn't just come and knock on our door and ask to come in and interview us and check us out? 
Some may give the ole', "Well if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't mind." 
I DISAGREE wholeheartedly.  We have nothing to hide, but we should not have to prove that we have nothing to hide.  In this country you are INNOCENT until PROVEN GUILTY, not the opposite, and I cherish that right.  That RIGHT is something our forefathers fought and DIED for!

I refuse to be "suspect' until I prove that I am not.

As with the health care bill, I question if those who passed this even bothered to READ it!

Sorry, but there are over 50-75,000 former Russian Orphans in the U.S. depending upon the article you read.  The percentage of those who have been abused is VERY small.  There are hundreds of thousands of orphans in Russia today.
The chances of those children having a successful life is LESS than 10%... Given those odds, maybe the Russians need to take an introspective look at themselves and stop staring over the pond.
Maybe it is too painful to take the PLANK out of your own eye before trying to remove the speck from your brother's eye. :/

(I did find a copy of the treaty! Jim, a friend from FRUA sent it to me!  You can down load it here if you like. (It will say something weird, but will go to a download and then you can read it. )
http://asozd.duma.gov.ru/main.nsf/(ViewDoc)?OpenAgent&work/dz.nsf/ByID&75759B1D632868A0432579D400495820
After reading this, I am pretty ticked off at Hillary Clinton and everybody else who insisted it be passed without READING IT!
 Our national sovereignty is gone.

Holding It Together

I knew with all we had going on, this weekend would be a HUGE weekend for Miss Alli to handle.
First off, she knows that we have been going back and forth with the Russian Embassy trying to figure out what it is they want us to do, as far as paperwork.  We followed the list on the website, and then it was all sent back to us with a long letter of requirements. 
They basically had us putting together a dossier minus a few things.  So, we complied, but it was stressful having to get all this stuff done, including trips to Austin and Dallas to get new notarized documents. 
We finally heard back from the agency, when the Russian Embassy said we had to bring Alli to Houston in person!
She was starting to get scared! "Will they try to keep me?"   I told her no, but my thought was the opposite.  It could be paranoia, or NOT.

We reassured her she was safe, and we would get all this worked out.  It is hard trying to do things with a  12 year old who's ears are perked. :)  She was not obliviously 5.

Added to that the birthday weekend for 2 girls, the car breaking down during the trip, having to be towed, then the boat breaking down on the water (thank goodness Mike is a mechanic and never goes anywhere without his magic bag of tools)  and then the next day being Father's day..... Alli had enough triggers to last a life time. LOL

I spent the weekend reassuring her she was loved and safe, and if she felt upset to "hold it together, use your tools."   SHE DID!

That is until Saturday Night.  Everybody had started to go to bed and she insisted she had to stay up and do laundry.  She then said something rude to a sister, which we do not EVER allow, and was unwilling to apologize....  I waited with her, and that is when it all poured out.... "You love everybody else more than me! I know you say you don't and you love us all with your whole heart, but it isn't true!"  Ahhh! She has been listening.... she repeated me perfectly, with a mocking voice, but perfectly non the less.... she knows the truth.

So I congratulated her for listening all those times about how much we love her and that she is part of a family team.  She didn't like that so much.  It took her a few minutes to use her tools and settle herself down, but she did!  Of course she was terribly remorseful and apologetic.  But I was actually PROUD of her for going through ALL of that weekend with minimal falling apart.

I have come to recognize Alli's biggest trigger is feeling that others are cherished or loved more than she is.  With all the attention RIGHTFULLY on two sisters, it was a trigger that was entertained. When we were talking I brought this up..... When she was still mad and curled up, I decided to sing the Master Piece song to her......It was hard to get into a singing mode when she had just accused me of being a terrible liar for saying I loved her the same.  But I made myself do it, because she needed that.   As I began to sing and stroke her hair,  her tears flowed.... I added a few words in between such as, when the songs says, "You are a masterpiece", I added, even though you don't believe that right now"....  and when the song says  "and I'm so proud of you"  I added.... "even though you don't think I should be"......   She turned around and hugged me tightly.
"I'm so sorry mommy.... "
"I know, sweetie..."
And then, she fell asleep.

Anna was terribly sunburned after our sun screen failed to do its job. (SPF #50)!)  I was abit sunburned too, so we decided to go to the later service.  Mike, Erika and Sarah left for church and then he called.  "Did we forget the van is broken down?"  Oh yea! We did!   "What about the truck?"  "It is connected to the boat still."
"Well dear, we'll see you when you get home!"   I needed some rest after a huge weekend anyway.
We made daddy his favorite Chinese rice dish and then left again for the lake in the early evening to catch some more water before the week started again.

And the news we got today????   Cease and desist all paperwork.  After ALL THAT, we don't have to do it.  They WANT us to readopt in Russia, but we are not being required to. 
Oh I wish I would have known this a few hundred dollars ago.
I can't wait to tell Alli..... she will feel so relieved that she doesn't have to go to the embassy!

And just when things get all back to normal this week..... come Monday, CAMP for Erika, Sarah and Me.......
Some more from the Lake:

A Quick Trip to Austin

We took a quick trip to Austin today to get Alli's second post placement report apostilled. :)
When we were driving by, I pointed out to Alli the McDonald's where we first picked up Sarah.
She said, "That is so weird to pick up somebody from McDonalds!"
I replied, "Well, remember, you were picked up from Walmart!"
She started laughing.  She said, "Yea, that might be even weirder because they wanted it to be the "garden department". LOL

I have to say, every time I drive by that McDonald's, I feel like weeping.  I don't know why.... Maybe because I feel sad for her old family; that they missed out on such an awesome little girl who has grown into a FANTASTIC teenager as of Thursday of this week. :)  Maybe it is because I remember how scared she must have been.... or Maybe it is because I am so thankful for her.   I remember that day like it was yesterday..... Sarah and Anna making friends in the McDonald's play land before they even knew they would be sisters..... :)

Anyhew..... Erika and Alli and I took the trip.  Anna is a library volunteer now, so she couldn't come and Sarah would rather NOT take a long trip if it isn't necessary. :)

When we got there, I had to pay for parking. Last time, the parking meter didn't work. I called a number and they said if I got a ticket to write a number down and it would be documented. I didn't, so never had to worry about it.  THIS TIME, I think I must have parked in the very same space! My first quarter DIDN'T work! IT ATE my quarter ! Then, I had a bunch of smaller change and it wouldn't take pennies.   I was stuck at 20 minutes.  Some nice person gave me two dimes which brought me to 32 minutes. :)  We gave an hour  to somebody else last week in down town Dallas, so I guess it was payed forward. :)

We really had a great time. :)
Erika being the family photographer she is, brought her camera. :)
Here are some snapshots of our trip.....

 Of course, we started out at the gas pump! 3.21 a gallon! Not bad.... ( I would have NEVER said that 3 years ago! :)

 We are inundated with these birds around here. :)

 The streets of Austin Texas

 Alli sketching.

 The State Capitol.  The state department is on the other side of the street. That is always how we find it.

 We were in Austin all of 30 minutes!   How do I know this?  We had to pay for parking.  We payed for 3o minutes worth. When we got back to the car, we had 2 minutes left! :)

 Alli's sketch

Enjoying the drive awake....

 Ummm. that is me taking a power nap because..... I needed some sleep.

that starbucks drink didn't do a THING! 

And the grand finale:  I was delirious with bad radio:

We had FUN!

Second Post Placement Report

This year plus has FLOWN by and we are getting ready to do our Second Post Placement Report. 
Miss Alli has come a LONG ways in the 6 months since the last one.  She has improved in reading, math and study skills.  She has improved VERY MUCH in COMMUNICATION! 

One of her biggest hurdles since she came to America has been in the area of communication.  I have written much in this blog and on FRUA regarding being able to communicate and understand English at the level needed to explain emotions, how you are feeling, why you are upset or why you are happy.
She was completely UNABLE to do this when she came to us. 
She was still communicating much like a toddler; crying when she was upset or disappointed, and having fits when she was frustrated or misunderstood. 

She has always done really well since she came home, except during the times of frustration and anxiety.  Those times shortened in duration and frequency within a few months, but she was still good for a good meltdown now and then.    It is almost always about a misunderstanding or anxiousness over an unknown  traumaversary anniversary.   

I wrote a post not too long ago called "What I Did Wrong."  Since that time, things have gone REALLY good.  I have noticed that when there is a struggle the breakthrough to  a better and more secure relationship is right there to hold onto!  We just have to grab the opportunity and run with it.

I hope that is an encouragement to those of you struggling.  

What she has learned to do in the last year, but especially the last 6 months, has been to accept that sometimes she doesn't know the answer or that she has misunderstood.  She has also REALLY been able to communicate MUCH better and express her feelings with WORDS.  YEA!

We are moving on to a new phase of life.  Before we know it, she is going to be a teenager! (February)
YIKES.... That will make 4 teenage girls in the house. :)

I LOVE it! :)

Alli already knows that our social worker is coming, and she was not a bit nervous.  She even said she needs to get her room cleaned and  asked if she could come over for pizza! :)
Now that is progress! :)
After this, we will have two more post placements to do.  One will be next year at this time, and the other one the year after!   YEA!

So.... was that reflection in my computer screen correct???  Why yes it WAS!.... (  I just saw Alli carrying two pullets (chickens) calling them Lucinda and Jane.... Up into the tree they went....... LOL
 

I bet they are wondering how they are going to get down! :)

Overwhelm

Miss Alli and I stayed home from services yesterday.  She was still a bit overwhelmed with old memories.  Yesterday was going to be a huge day with a church potluck after church, a baby shower for 5 babies at the same time and then a business meeting!  That would have been way to much for her.

We got some much needed cleaning done in my room.  And we had a wonderful time to talk.  I think our time, just being together and in quiet, really helped her get over the overwhelm.  She was rested and playful. 
Today was one of those wonderful days, that we are used to having. :)
That is, until the Russian Consular office called and said everything I turned into them was WRONG and I have to redo it all, have it translated AND apostilled.  This means I have to send certificates of adoption AND birth BACK to NC for apostille, and our stuff to Austin for Apostille.....
MERCY.... now I am overwhelmed! 
The man on the phone was REALLY kind.  In his Russian Accent he said, "This is very complicated case!"  I said, "Do you think?" :)

I assured him we were trying to do everything we could and we were doing our best, but the website didn't tell us to do all the stuff he was saying we had to do.  It is interesting, because with Sarah, we just had to re register her and get a new number. (Ukraine)
But with Russia, they will be sending all our information to Russia and Alli will be issued a new birth certificate in Russian, with our names, a new adoption decree FROM RUSSIA with our names and eventually a new passport, when all that stuff comes back.  But... he said we have to go to HOUSTON in PERSON to get the passport.

I'm sort of impressed. :)  I think.... I hope it works the second time!

A 14 Month Update

Last year

This Year

Alli has been home now for 14 months and I wanted to give a little update on her.  She is doing awesome.
Her one year anniversary passed and it seems that she went through a threshold of not turning back!  I wasn't sure what would happen, as she stressed about getting to that one year and rejoiced after she got there.

What I HAVE seen is her pressing into her studies more.  She is learning to comprehend English better and better which makes it MUCH easier on me.  When I ask her if she understands, she no longer gets defensive, but says yes or no and knows that it is not a test of her worthiness.

One of the biggest changes we have seen is in her ability to cope with dysregulation.  She is ACTIVELY seeking out her tools ON HER OWN.  I rarely have to remind her.  Instead, she will catch herself and immediately apologize without being asked, if she has been snotty.  And being snotty lately is rather rare. :)

She is writing in her Mom Dad and Me book regularly.. and her latest note was sooo sweet.  :) 

Alli has grown 4 inches in a year and gained over 10 lbs.  And she is not showing any signs of slowing down! She may wind up being the tallest girl we have around here.   I asked her if her first mom and dad were tall and she said VERY.... But I'm not sure if that is just a perspective, because she was a very tiny for her age 7 year old. LOL  Everybody is big when you are little. :) I remember one of our boys thinking his dad was HUGE when he was little.  He really wasn't. :)

Easter memories were all from Easter last year and she didn't stress at all about the Easter Egg Hunt.  She fully knew it was going to happen! 

Her relationships with her sisters are secure! She is firmly bonded with each of them and regularly tells them that she loves them.  She in on a daddy daughter date tonight, and before she left she hugged everybody goodbye. 

Morning routine has been the hardest transition for her.  But she is now getting up happily and getting her grooming done before school 80% of the time.  Sometimes she brings  a brush when we are starting to finish her hair. 
I have to say, our new baking soda wash and  apple cider vinegar rinse has made her hair much more manageable in the tangles department. :) 

Right now, she is very interested in all the bugs she can find.  She loves taking jars outside to catch them. She loves climbing trees and making fake cookies on the front porch.  She and Sarah are always playing some spy game, and eventually get Anna to join in the fun. :) 
Overall, Alli is LOVING being a kid.  She is going through all the stages she missed at a younger age, but catching up fast.  We have gained a HUGE amount of ground in 14 months. 

Honestly, I am not seeing signs of RAD anymore.  I'm am seeing very little of the PTSD symptoms, and I am seeing a whole LOT of the Real ALLI.... My heart bursts with joy over this.  This is nothing short of a real life modern day miracle.

She would LOVE to have another sister and has asked about it a few times.  She said, "Mama, we can help somebody else! I'm ready!"  LOL  
At this point there are NO PLANS for another one.  So she is our baby. :) And I think she likes being that baby.  She needs to be the baby for a while longer. 

Did I say I was proud of her? :)

Artem Has A Happy Home!

Last year, I wrote about little Artem being sent back on an airplane to Russia.  I was so very upset, and was able to make contact with the Taxi driver in Russia who had to take Artem to the MOE.  He was so very upset by the entire thing.  I have often thought about Artem since that time. WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO HIM???? Was he OK?  I had heard "rumors" that he was not doing well etc. and that it proved he was a terrible, unstable, violent and damaged child.  I have HOPED it was not true all this time. And so, with JOY I can present this article.
. I am so happy for little Artem.  
Here is the text:

These are the pictures proving that there is finally love and happiness for the boy who suffered the most appalling neglect when his American adoptive mother sent him on a plane back to his Russian motherland with a note saying she no longer wanted him.
Torry Hansen, a 34-year-old nurse, unilaterally revoked her adoption of Justin, then seven, that she had agreed after travelling to Russia and plucking him from an orphanage in 2009 offering him a new life in the West.
Less than a year later the child had virtually forgotten his Russian when he was unceremoniously dumped alone on the plane and sent back to Moscow, with a note  'to whom it may concern' saying: 'I no longer wish to parent this child'.

Artem Saveliev, aged nine, is now living with a foster family outside Moscow. Last spring his American adoptive mother put Artem, who was then going by the American name Justin, alone on a plane to Russia with a note pinned to his clothing

Her action sparked worldwide outrage and a diplomatic rift between Moscow and Washington, as the Russian authorities - left to pick up the pieces - desperately sought a suitable home for a child who Hansen also cruelly labelled 'mentally unstable'.
The Kremlin's tsar for children Pavel Astakhov took a personal interest in the case but despite his efforts, initially the right home for the boy eluded them. Yet now almost two years on from his horror flight, Justin finally feels loved and cared for - thanks to a remarkable Russian foster mother.
Once again, he now lives under the name he was born with - Artem Saveliev - and he is approaching his tenth birthday.
Vera Egorova, 53, is the woman he now calls Mama. She is an 'SOS mother' in Tomilino village, part of an unusual and highly effective project to rescue society's most neglected children.
A former office worker, she has no children of her own yet she now mothers six, all under 18, and has 11 more who have grown up and left her village.  To her, they are all her sons and daughters, and she raises them with her husband Vasiliy Tibenko, 46.

'Artem came to live with us on  25 October last year (2011),' she recalled. 'We had a party that day - my daughter Sonya turned 9 - we invited Artem to join us and eat something but he was not so keen. '

Artem now calls Vera Egorova, right, Mama. She and her husband hope to adopted him and five other children they have been fostering. The Kremlin's tsar for children, Pavel Astakhov, left, has a special interest in Artem's case and makes periodic visits

He was 'exhausted by plane flights and going back and forth between orphanages and foster parents', she said.
'He then walked around our house, met the other children.  I went  with him saying - 'Look, this is your home now, you will live with us here, in our family'.

'He does not like to recall anything about America and does not want to answer any questions about it.'

- Artem's foster mother Vera

'I told him there are two more kids of the his age and he would not feel lonely. In the evening our kids talked to him and told about our life - that we are one family here, kids call each other brothers and sister, and here are your mother and father.
'We don't say orphanage, and we want Artem to find a good family here, not just another orphanage.
'Next day Artem began to call me 'Mama'. He asked me for a notebook and a pen and said he wanted to write a diary.
'He also went to our local school. Now, almost six months later, I can say he's coping well. He is a good student in school, not the very best but all is fine. There are a few slight behavioural problems, but this is natural, he's a typical boy. He went to the winter camp with other kids for New Year and learned to skate. He says he likes it here, especially that we are a family rather than an orphanage.'
Her description of him is far from the label that Hansen and her mother tagged him with before packing him back to Russia.

Vera says Artem is a good student in school, not the very best but fine. And unlike the claims of his former adoptive mother, Vera says there are only slight behavioural problems that are typical of a boy

'Artem is a nice boy, very kind and responsive. He is also very reasonable, as if he is older than his years,' said Vera.
'He likes to help me around the house, to clean and cook. The other day he helped me to clean and fry potatoes.
'I simply do not see that Artem has problems communicating with other children. I think he is mentally normal, there's no problem to establish good contact with him. He is just a child with a very sad life experience and our task is to help him. One day if he wants to tell me his story, I'll listen carefully, but I won't push him, if he wants to forget it, it is his right to do so.'

'I simply do not see that Artem has problems communicating with other children. I think he is mentally normal. He is just a child with a very sad life experience and our task is to help him.'
-Vera

Before Hansen chose him at the orphanage in the far east of Russia, he had been neglected and rejected once already - by his natural mother, who was stripped of her parental rights by a Russian court. It is hard to know how the impact of his treatment will affect him as he gets older but Vera is confident she can help him to grow up normally.
'I was shocked when I heard Artem's story, who wouldn't be?
'Whatever happened in his American family, that woman did not have a moral right to throw him away like a useless thing.
'I am sure there is a clever legal way to cancel adoption if it is all going wrong so I cannot begin to understand why she chose such an inhuman way.'
She said that Artem now wants to forget his time in the US, so painful was the ending. 'He does not like to recall anything about America and does not want to answer any questions about it. He openly tells me this.'
She stressed: 'Frankly, I was also surprised to know that normal healthy kids like Artem can be adopted by foreigners. I was sure before that it was sick and disabled kids can go to live abroad where foreign people have money and facilities to help them and take proper care.

Tennessee nurse Torry Hansen took a trip to Russia in 2009 and met Artem, who she renamed Justin, in an orphanage. Their meeting is pictured here

'I do not think it is right to let healthy good Russian kids to leave our country. We must take better take care of them ourselves.'
'I am glad that God gave me the chance to work and live here.
'I became a mum here, I started a family, I just became happy here. I am so proud that I am a mum of 17 kids, can you believe it? Artem is the 17th and he is  loved as much as all the others which is as much as any child can be loved.
'My elder kids come to see me with their children and they all call me grandma. '
This way Artem and the other younger children see that they will have a proper family, too, after they grow up.
'My husband and I now plan to officially adopt  all the six kids including Artem who live with us now, so we will be a totally normal legal family,' she confided.
Astakhov's determination that right must be done by this child have paid off, and the Kremlin official regularly finds time to visit and check up on Artem's progress.
Vera spoke as a US judge this week ruled that Hansen, from Shelbyville  in Tennessee, must pay child support even though she has not been prosecuted for neglect.

Worth forgetting: A swing set seen here in Hansen's shared backyard in Tennessee is part of life Artem hopes to forget

This followed a lawsuit from her adoption agency, World Association for Children and Parents. The judgement was made even though Hansen has now vanished to California.
'I do not believe that I can obtain a fair and unbiased hearing from this court,' she said in a letter faxed to the court.
'Whether or not Ms. Hansen will ever realise the consequences of her actions remains to be seen, but at least we know now there has a been a ruling by the court that she has been determined to be liable for her actions,' said Larry Crain, attorney for WACAP, after the hearing.
The sum that must be paid in support is yet to be fixed, and it  is likely to accumulate and go to Artem when he is an adult.
'The irony is if you leave a child in a car with the windows rolled up in a parking lot today, you can be arrested,' said Crain.
'But sending a child 3,000 miles across the Atlantic and there are no consequences for it, that is truly disturbing.'
At least, though, Artem finally has the loving home he so craved

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2112735/Russian-boy-rejected-adopted-mother-thriving-foster-home-outside-Moscow.html#ixzz1ofgAuFSX

God bless this Russian family for opening their home and loving their children. 
Best wishes Artem!

The Next Step in Healing

Yesterday was a hard day, but it was a good day too.  Yesterday showed me how far we have come as a family, and how we need to try harder in some areas in order to progress and not stagnate.

This week has been a HUGELY busy week, and it was no surprise that Miss Alli would have some struggles with the change in schedule and the "burning the candles at both ends" type of life...
This means, we had something going on every day and we didn't get into bed until WAY after bedtime, and still had to get up. 
Alli does best on a set schedule she can count on.  It seems to center her to have that stability. Sometimes, circumstances are such that it just can't happen.  This week was one of those weeks.

There are also so many memories associated with this time of year, including birthdays, moves, and more....So yesterday seemed to be the perfect day for a good ole' fashioned  melt down. :(   I felt so badly for her as she used every tactic in the book to try and act like she didn't care.  I know she cares.  This was not my Alli.
This was a child trying to make sense of a life that so far has made no sense.
How do you make sense of tragedy?  You don't.  You accept it, and you move in a direction that will bring hope and healing.  That is all you can do on your own.

But one thing I DO KNOW.... Jesus has been with our Alli, ALL of her life.  I am sure He wept when she wept, and He was with  her in the midst of  her saddest of circumstances. He wept over her rejection and misunderstanding, just as she did. And He understood, because HE too was rejected and despised.
It always amazes me that God chooses to work with the frail, imperfect human.... But He does and His works bring about spiritual growth that is real and permanent.  He has had His hand on Alli's life, through it all.

Alli was unable to communicate in a healthy way, so we waited, and we waited more.  And then I stayed home with her and Mike and the other girls went out to lunch without us.  She was just not prepared to go anywhere.   Once we got to a place where we could communicate from the heart, TOGETHER, we came up with some steps we will be taking to help her. 
She will NOT be able to run outside and climb the tree when she is angry or upset.  She climbs too high and mama needs her to stay inside. Trees are for climbing when we are having fun. 
If she needs to calm herself, and she doesn't want to be in a time in type situation, no trees.
After she has done wrong, she will say "I'm sorry".... and we accept her apology. 
But from now on, we will be asking "What are you sorry for?" This is not done in a mocking tone. This is done very tenderly, to help her understand fully what happened and what not to do again.  She will be specific about what she is sorry for.  If she was rude or disrespectful, she will need to say, "I am sorry for being rude, or disrespectful."
I really think this will help her to identify what she is doing that is not acceptable, and also,  humble her.  

This is not a way to HUMILIATE....There is a big difference between being humbled and humiliated.   Being Humble is a GOOD thing.
This will also help her in confessing her sin in prayer.  She will be able to define it.

She will also be given time to calm herself without talking.  This is different for me.  Normally, because when we were dealing with these issues when our other girls were much younger, we would have what is called a "time in", where you come and sit with mama and get calm, so you don't feel like you are being sent away.  But with Alli being 12, she really NEEDS to be able to go somewhere quiet and calm herself.  I really think this is something I have been doing wrong and have actually CAUSED escalation myself!  It wasn't intentional, her needs are just different now.  She is NOT having attachment issues.  She is attached to us.  She is having more than not, miscommunication
problems that spiral her into a PTSD type moment. 
If I speak very soothing words, AFTER she has calmed, she is fine.  If I speak those SAME words when she is melting down, it is more like gas on a fire. 
SO TIMING, YES TIMING is very, VERY important. :)

Last night, after we had our talk, and things were calmer, we were all able to go to the Super Bowl Party we had planned to attend.  This was our last event of the week.  After everybody left the car, I asked her to remain behind, and we went over what was expected, much like we used to do when she first came home.  She started to cry and said that she was embarrassed because now everybody will know she was not behaving.  (nobody was around they were all in the house)  I reassured her that all was ok, but I needed to let her know if there were any, ANY incidents of snottiness, we would leave immediately.  She said, "Let's just go home now", because she still wasn't fully regulated.
And this is where BCLC took over.
I looked at her and said, "I am FULLY CONFIDENT that you can do it!"  "You have been able to listen, and I KNOW you WANT to obey."  "So let's just do it!" "Hold your head up high and walk in there and have a wonderful time!"
Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of activity can be the very best thing in the world for a child who is stuck in a mode....And my brave girl did just that. :)  We stayed the whole time and she REALLY had a wonderful time.
The family that we visited also has children from Russia, and we know each other well.

We talked about our goals for our new year coming up.  And she was actually engaged and excited to talk about it.  She REALLY does not want to  be stuck with the cycle of behaviors.  She really WANTS to do better and She WANTS us to help her. 
Healing is a PROCESS.. She spent her first 11 years in chaos, as I have written about before.  Just 1/12 of her life has been in a normal family.   (whatever that is.. LOL)
Now is the time pinpoint and focus on overcoming!

Mike and I were talking last night about the difficulties our children face coming from foreign countries and having to learn new languages.  Communication issues coupled with trauma is VERY difficult to overcome, partly because a child who is traumatized has a harder time learning and retaining.... yet they have to learn in order to communicate and be understood.

I think one of the biggest mistakes the adoption community makes is assuming that because a child can speak English, they have mastered it.   I find more often than not, MOST of the issues we deal with are based in communication.   I have said this before and I cannot say it enough.  JUST because your child can speak TEXAN or ARKANSAN or MISSISSIPPIAN, or any other dialect ..... they do not have the depth of language to fully communicate, and MASTERY usually takes on average a "double their age" time.  This means, if Alli arrived in the U.S. at the age of 9 and a half.  She will not have English MASTERY until the age of 19.  Erika, 16.  Sarah came at 5 and we have found that at 12, she does have mastery in English.

This does not mean she will have behavior problems the entire time, it just means that she doesn't have mastery and we need to remember that in communicating with her.  We need to remember to be clear and concise, asking her if she understands what we are saying and to repeat it back in her own words.  This is what we do with Erika, who has no behavior problems.

It is Monday, and I actually had a chance to put into practice our new plan this morning and it worked beautifully!  There was a gentle prod to practice what we talked about yesterday, and everything was resolved within a few minutes.  WOW..... Wish I had done that yesterday. :)

Our new perspective will be: "We can remain angry about the trauma we experienced in the past, or we can focus on the new life we have been blessed to live.  Perspective matters! DON'T WASTE ONE MORE MINUTE!"
This is not to take away from the facts of the past or to not minimize them.  They are huge and real. But so is the life ahead of us.... and it is WAY MORE POWERFUL to choose to live a happy life, than to live your life with both eyes in the rear view mirror.