Don't Give Up!

This was something our Albina (Alli) said to us many times. She wrote in in art form and sent it to us when she had to be away. She wrote it in chalk when she was home and she expressed it in voice when she was distraught. After us being her 4th set of parents, she needed to know that our love was unconditional and that we would not give up on her. It was HARD, but looking back on all that has occurred, oh so wonderful. The Lord brought her to us. He had work to do in her life and in ours!

She and I were talking earlier today about that time. She said, "I was such a bad kid".... I said, No. You were a HURT kid.
And today, she is a lovely daughter and friend. Honestly, 10 years ago I was afraid for her future, but today, I'm so proud of her. She is truly a success story! She of course is more than that! I'm just so thrilled to see her flourish in her life.
I was there was her son was born 7 years ago. I remember her saying, "Mom will you come? Your're the only mama I have!" and it touched my heart so deeply. I cannot wait for her new sweetie to be born and be brought into our lives. What an amazing story. What an amazing God we serve! No Sweetie! We didn't give up and neither did you!

Describing A Negative Feedback Loop

This is an old post from 2011. I remember making that toast! :) I have rarely used this wording , but we CLEARLY were in a negative feedback loop for a couple of days.
One of the things our kids will do for us, is keep us from being lazy parents. Lazy parenting will get you into all sorts of trouble whether your child is adopted or not!
Heather Forbes and Bryan Post in "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" talk about "Negative Feedback Loops" that our children AND WE can get into.... and they discuss breaking out of the loop.

Have you ever been in a useless discussion argument with your spouse?  SOMEBODY has to make the effort to STOP, turn things around and jump off the roller coaster of despair!

In the VERY same way, this can happen with our children.  I wrote earlier today about my own issue but wanted to clarify in this post a little more detail.

We started school 4 weeks ago, we have had a really great start,  but I was not feeling very well.
It turns out my thyroid is overactive..... so my meds are being adjusted.  As a result I was not sleeping well, concentrating well, and just feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, Alli's 6 month anniversary happened and she was feeling the unseen calendar.... the one that says "It is time to move on."  She didn't know why she was feeling so anxious, she just was.
This started her in a spiral backwards that she just didn't seem to be able to control. She was too busy trying to control everybody else. LOL
Poor baby.... She needed ME to be on top on things and I just wasn't.  What resulted was a little bit of head butting.
I won, every time.... but at what cost?
I began thinking about it.... and was convicted in my heart of looking for short term solutions to long term goals. This is called "goal killing". :)  I was becoming snappy, and judgmental and internally angry.  Instead of gently guiding, I was becoming a coach, barking orders.

Alli has come SO FAR in such a short time.... I am so proud of her.   I didn't look the other day past her initial behavior to see  that she was overwhelmed, and instead called her on the behavior, not caring about why it was there.   This did not help her at all and so, because of my OWN failures, we locked horns off and on.
And the Lord was convicting me.  I needed to be her lifeline and instead I pulled the rope away.

After seeking the Lord and feeling back on track , I was trying to do things right for Alli, but she was STUCK in a loop of negativity. Had I not escalated, I don't think she would have been stuck.
I cooked her favorite fish. We had green beans and I also made everybody a Strawberry Milk shake.
She likes those too.
I figured we would talk after dinner.
Instead, she came to the table angry and then proclaimed she didn't like what I had prepared.
She couldn't rise out of her trouble.  As Mike and I tried to encourage her, she dug in more and more.
And then, she started to cry.  She said, "I really will eat everything, but I want a piece of toast too!"
Honestly, I don't think she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't get out of her loop.

So, here I am thinking. No way!  But my husband saw something I didn't. He saw her trying and she didn't know what to do.  So he very gently said, "do you need the toast?"  She said "Yes Daddy".   He asked ME to make her some toast.
Inside, I was not wanting to, but I put myself aside, and trusted my husband's wisdom.   I brought her the toast and she thanked me, and then she ate every bite on her plate.  She even liked it.  And then, we had a chance for more conversation.

Without any prompting, she wept and said how very sorry she was for how she had been acting. She then began to tell us about some of the memories she was having and we were able to pray with her. I also repented to her that I had not been more helpful.  She engaged in deep conversation for quite awhile, and then during our family worship time, she openly prayed to the Lord, asking for help and forgiveness, thanking Him for her family and how much we care for her.

That small gesture.... a piece of toast, broke her out of her negative feed back loop.

Some may ask, "wasn't she manipulating"?  Some may ask, "What about discipline?"

My answer is, no to manipulation. She was out of control, lost in her emotions and sometimes in trying to gain control it can look like manipulation, but it really isn't.    And what about discipline. The end result of all of this was a very happy, repentant and apologetic child who ate every bite of her dinner and  told us how thankful she was to have us.  Isn't that what every parent wants?   She knew she had done wrongly and we did talk with her and give her tools to learn how to break out of those negative loops. 

I just need to be reminded that I am the one holding the rope. If I don't give it to her to hang onto,  it won't do much good.

Our Darling Albina

I have written a lot on this blog, since 2011 when our Albina came to us. We have never worked so hard with a child as we did with Albina. I am so thankful to her for causing us to be on our knees calling out to the Lord for every decision. This is how it should be for all of our children.... she reminded us. :) A long time ago she sent us a drawing and it said "Don't Give Up"! She was very worried that we would give up on her. NO way! :) x

A long time ago I wrote a post about talking to her about not living her life in the rear view mirror. She was looking back at all her losses and all the terrible things that had made up her life the first 11 years. She was missing out of all the blessing she had ahead of her. Today, she has learned to see the many blessings in her life. She calls us several times a week just to say hi. She volunteers for field trips for Sebastian, works hard, loves fiercely and even rides dirt bikes and goes to the car races. She has learned that life is what you make it. There is nothing you can do about the past but there is EVERYTHING you can do about the present and the future.
She is a wonderful mama and is about to have another baby in just a few weeks. :) What a blessing she is. Thank you Albina for teaching us to always look to the Lord and depend upon Him. We are proud of you. https://minichfamilyblog.blogspot.com/search?q=looking+in+the+rear+view+mirror

Albina

Our little Albina has grown up! She came home at 11 and it has been almost 10 years! She just had a birthday and sent me some photos of herself. :) We are so proud of her! I started writing about her coming home to us in March of 2011. What a journey it has been! We have all learned so very much! Albina is a very talented artist and it comes out in all kinds of ways. Right now she is really getting into aquariums. She has a talent to make them look just beautiful!

Albina is a wonderful mama to her little boy who is going to be 2 years old pretty soon! He is talking up a storm and is the sweetest little guy. He loves cars like his daddy and his dog. And of course, he ADORES his mommy!

I am so excited to see where the Lord brings Albina in the next decade! A LOT happened in 10 years for all of us and what a time it has been! We were taken to places we never expected and the Lord was there with all of us! Ten years ago at this time we had no idea that in less than a month we would be adding another little one to our family. I'm so glad we answered the call. God does not call us to the easy, He calls us to be faithful. What a WISE and LOVING heavenly father we have!

Albina and Sebastian

Six months ago, I had the honor of being at the birth of our grand son Sebastian.
Albina is such a wonderful mama.
Sebastian is growing, healthy and such a happy baby!

Sarah and I got to baby sit recently. :)

                                 Praising the Lord that He is doing so well and that his mama is committed to
                                 raising him. :)

Some really great visits with Miss Alli

I'll let the photo's speak for themselves. :)

Many of you know that this has been an extraordinarily difficult couple of years.  But praise the Lord this little one is coming out of the deep fog of trauma and seeing the world with a new set of glasses.
The glasses of reality.....
Life can be very unfair and difficult... but life can also be VERY VERY good.
She is LOVED. She is SAFE.  She has her entire future ahead of her.
This is something we could not do on our own, and required intensive outside help.

I am so thankful for those in law enforcement, in the detention center and in the medical community and within our church who have prayed, and who have prayed  us through this very difficult time.
She will be coming home soon. :)
We are ALL thrilled that our sweet baby girl is back to LIVING.

First Day Of School.... Like Public School!

Today, we embarked on a new episode in life. Public School!

I have been praying about this for a long time, and truly feel a peace in my heart that this was the direction we needed to go.  So we did!

I am so proud of each of my girls. They all did awesome today!

 Alli was truly TERRIFIED to go to school.  She hated the idea 3 months ago.  Today, she got on that bus, so bravely!

 Anna and Sarah had a long wait for their bus! It was 20 minutes late, but got them to school on time

Erika started College today.  Wow. COLLEGE!  She is 16 and working REALLY HARD.
We are still home educating her in most subjects. :)

So.... Erika had a young man ask her for her phone number. She handled that one very well. :)
Sarah loves her classes.  Anna does too.
Sarah and Anna are in the same History Class. :)
Alli loved all of her classes too.  She came home with a big smile. She said she had a little bit of panic and did what we told her to do, just in case.  (breathe deeply and SLOWLY)  She said she added to it, "Mama loves me. Mama loves me. " :)
And then she was ok. :)

And what did I do today???  I prayed for my girls! I went to the bank for Mike. Erika and I studied some together and then she did her own studies.  I cleaned out the attic of all the old school work, and pared down our books.  I did 3 loads of laundry, and then took Erika to college.
In the evening after dinner, we had to get a few more school supplies including "jazz" shoes for Sarah because she is taking a dance class that requires ballet shoes (which she already has) and Jazz shoes.
And then....I sat down to write this.
What a full and BLESSED day!