Healing From Old Baggage

All of us come into life, naked and crying for comfort.  Some receive that comfort, some don't.  From the moment of conception, our lives are full of experiences both negative and positive. 
I have written extensively on this blog about attachment, bonding, the neglect of orphans and their physical and emotional needs. 

A couple of years ago I wrote this post <--- (linked) about "Any Unpacked Bags"....

Today, I'd like to cover more detail on this, and why it is of PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE to deal with our OWN healing in order to help our children.  I also want to offer hope for those who did not have a "stellar" or "nurturing" childhood, but felt the sting of dysfunction, due to neglect, abuse, divorce, alcoholism, death, or any other trauma that can wreak havoc on an individual.  There is hope for healing and having happy, secure attachments with your children and other healthy relationships!

 The Tender Heart's Support group has been studying Karyn Purvis's Book, "The Connected Child". We finished chapter 12 last night in Support Group.  It was the last chapter.

She mentioned in the chapter that many times parents who bring children in for therapy, are needy themselves.  An AAI test is given to analyze where the parent is coming from.

Here is an excerpt from her book that you might find very helpful! :)

When answering questions about your own parents you tend to:
( If your attachment style is secure)
Answer honestly and truthfully.
express appreciation and value for close relationships and bonds
be comfortable discussing interpersonal connections
give specific, clear examples that illustrate your observations about the past
have a balanced perspective on the good and the bad, talking about the failures of your parents as well as the good things, without dwelling on either

express thoughts using speech that is coherent, with the past distinguished from the present.
have coherent recollections of your childhood, with a clear time line
display a sense of humor and forgiveness for the past.

(If your attachment style is insecure)

give short, vague, or dismissive answers, or give excessively long and rambling responses, you can't seem to stop

make broad generalities about the past but can't give specific, clear examples that illustrate the points,
give misleading or incomplete responses
use black or white terms idealizing your parents or denigrating them
minimize or block out negative experiences
actively hang on to grudges, anger, and resentments
have confusing or contradictory details in your stories about them
have incoherent thoughts or speech
confuse the past with the present.

Securely attached adults are better negogiators in close relationships. Only a secure mother can say, "Tell me what hurts, sweetheart," and listen attentively and respectfully to the answer.
When an adult is avoiding her own history, entangled in her past or disorganized about her losses, she can't accurately assess and respond to a harmed child's reality.  Only a secure mother can find the heart of the highest risk child.
...........
If you did not have safe, nurturing or warm relations with your family as a child, odds are, your own style is insecure, HOWEVER, be reasurred that you can still achieve a secure attachment style IF you are willing to face up to your own difficult past.

To do this, you will need to visit the past with ferocious HONESTY and be willing to explore and examine it head on. You can come clean about the past in a variety of ways including:

Keeping a journal about your feelings and history
drawing pictures about your feelings and history
talking to a counselor, therapist or clergy member
writing a story about it
taking walks and talking to a friend about it
writing a letter to the person, then tearing it up and burning it.
Accept what happened to you in the past was not ideal, yet at the same time recognize the individuals who hurt you probably did the best they could with the tools they had. Accept the people who hurt you were laboring under thier own demons.
Be willing to come to terms with the past and release it, have a sense of humor about it, and then go forward FREELY in the present."
excerpt taken from Karyn Purvis' Book The Connected Child chapter 12
.....................................................................

Nobody has had a perfect childhood, some less perfect than others and some downright awful.
But  Karyn is right.  If we don't deal with our own issues, it will be VERY HARD to deal with our children's.  Those buttons we say are pushed....... yep... unresolved issues in ourselves.

If you find yourself  over reacting in a negative way, when your child acts out, it might be a good idea to think long and hard about why certain buttons are such a trigger for you.  Deal with the trigger and the button disappears! :)

One of the exercises we did last night was using 5 adjectives to describe the relationship with our parents before the age of 12.
Then, write an explanation relating to each adjective.

The final question was:  "What happened when you were upset?" 
(what was your mother's or father's reaction when you were upset)
Those answers can be very telling in how we respond when our own children are upset.

This is not a chapter about blaming parents or it's all your mother's fault type malarky.  But it is REAL that the toes of the past step on the heels of the present.
If you can CLEARLY analyze your experiences, it is very helpful in understanding yourself and why you may react to your children.
Our children NEED us to be at our best, prepared to help THEM deal with THEIR trauma!
Attaching and bonding is so important. Don't let your past hold them back by getting in the way of their healing and future!

I will be taking a group through this book again starting pretty soon.  (hopefully next week)
I really do suggest reading chapter 12, and then going through the entire book with chapter 12 in mind..... and then really going through chapter 12. :)

Our regular support group will be starting Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Volume 2.

ADOPTION or ATTACHMENT ( And the Mama Factor)

I wrote yesterday about our weekend.  I wanted to write in more detail today about how some of it could have been avoided, and also about why I am GLAD it wasn't. :)

We really worked through some underlying "stuff" and I really do want to share some insight I gained.

Attachment issues and Adoption issues are NOT the same!  They are NOT!  While some of the behaviors one sees popping out COULD be similar, HOW you handle them will determine your success or not.  They CANNOT be handled the same.
That would be like changing the radiator out when your real problem was the alternator.  Different!
They are both part of the engine. They both cause the vehicle to not work... but the solution is DIFFERENT.

For the child who has had a trauma background, like ours, change is hard.  They will interpret that change VERY differently according to their past experience AND according to HOW they understand the interpretation of that experience.
(meaning, little kids have things happen to them, and they don't know why, so they come up with something for it to make sense)

Our girlies are no longer little. They are all teenagers now. 
I have been prepared for a LONG TIME for the cycle, the processing of interpreting old experiences, to come up and visit again. THIS IS NORMAL!  We ALL begin to rethink and reinterpret our early childhoods at some point.
As we begin to develop our own ideas and thoughts, and contemplate more mature ideas about life, life issues COME UP! 
I LOVE THIS STAGE OF PARENTING..... It is like watching a butterfly freshly coming out of the cocoon and just beginning to spread it's wings. It hasn't taken off or flown yet, it isn't ready.  But it is getting ready! :)
It is when you can really TALK, and girls do love to talk. :)  You can sit on the bed and gather them all around, tell them stories of your own childhood, and they can share stories about theirs; and then giggle, laugh and cry.
These talks are talks of healing and understanding ; they are rich AND fun.

Yesterday Miss Alli got hooked on talking.  She LOVES telling and hearing funny stories.  "Please mama, tell another one!"  This is GOOD, HEALTHY communication!

Why I titled my post Adoption or Attachment is because over the weekend we had some behaviors that were over the top on the absurd side. 
I was seeing them as "controlling".  I was seeing them as "disrespectful".  I was seeing them as "defiant". 
What I WASN'T seeing was that I was the PROBLEM!  Yes, ME!

The issues were NOT attachement related. Our girls are attached. They love us. They have expressed this in MANY ways. They CARE for us, they are GLAD they are here! 
The issues though very MUCH had to do with disrupted lives... NUMEROUS foster placements or adoptive placements. 
The funny thing is, I can TOTALLY IDENTIFY.... We moved SO MUCH when I was younger, several times in a year sometimes.... that I didn't feel settled. 
Now, Imagine if that move included new family too!
While my girls knew they were just moving down the hall, they had not been given TIME to process it as they should have been. Things felt out of control for them. Just as when they had NO choice and NO warning, and were just "moved".
THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE. They are NOT STUCK.... they are at this point in the process.
It took me MANY YEARS to not start packing at a 6 month mark of a place that I lived and start looking for new apartments.  It made no sense.... or did it?  To the one who hadn't been through all the unprepared moves ( we learned how to move in literally hours)  they wouldn't have understood.
My husband lived in the same house for most of his growing up years. The thought of moving was so foreign to him. LOL

So, for the girls, underneath the understanding that they were moving to the next room, was that forboding  feeling of impending doom.  And I had not prepared them.  "Moving day!" I said Happily!
How could I have been so stupid!

We pressed on to finish.  We want them to change up roommies now and then to learn to live with each other in closer quarters.  That was NOT the issue. 
The issue was lack of preparation.

So, their ugly popped out and so did mine.  What I found was, as they were spiraling, I started to do the same thing.
NEVER a good idea. :)
I found myself being "controlling" to try to control the out of control, instead of STOPPING and regrouping; getting to the source of the issue and then  dealing with it peacefully.

While Alli was painting her dresser, I was busy cleaning behind the other big dresser and in the process moved it, without our other daughter's permission.  I also moved the book case. And then, she came in and started to cry.  "Now my posters aren't right!"  And I said, "well, why don't you move your posters?" duh...
"Why are you crying?"  "Moving a dresser is just not a big deal!" 
Well, if it wasn't a big deal, why was "I" making it one?  Control.....

As a child, we never decided where anything went. It just was.  And you know what? I didn't like it! And even though I didn't like it,  the change of furniture that didn't seem a deal to me. But it was a HUGE deal for my daughter.  Why did that bother me? Why did I then make it a deal?  Maybe it was my own issue coming back to haunt ME.

I went to pray and regroup..... I went and talked to Mike.  And then, I went back and told my daughter.  "You know, this is your room, not mine.  You can put your furniture the way you like it. If you want it to be where it was, that is ok. "
 Now, that last scenario had nothing to do with adoption OR attachment, that had to do with MY ISSUE.... and it resolved when I dealt with my own sin.
One thing we did talk about later,  was HOW to handle a problem when you are overwhelmed.
We came up with some ideas together.  Instead of "You covered my posters on purpose!"  How about, "Mama I like the dresser the way it was, better." :) 

Later, I took my daughter's one at a time into my room to talk.  And what happened was nearly miraculous.  Things my Anna,  wouldn't talk about before, started to pour out.  Memories of being moved and leaving behind precious things.  Memories of being unprepared for moves.... BINGO.... they would just come and get her.
SHE KNEW LOGICALLY she was staying HERE.... it wasn't about that. It was about the HURT she felt as a little child, being controlled, not being allowed to be a child growing up in a stable environment... not being able to stay anywhere. She didn't know why.

I was able at that time to piece together for her a timeline of events and why some of those moves took place.  We had a very grown up conversation as we rocked in the rocker and snuggled.
She made it VERY CLEAR that she loves us. She feels SECURE with us.  This was NOT about THAT..... :)
It was more about feeling "fake".... "like I had another life and while I'm happy living this one.... that other one isn't gone."  Very mature thoughts. :)
I can SO UNDERSTAND THIS..... I had another life too.  I had a different family too.  I was divorced. When I was newly remarried, I felt the same way. I was in a new state, new friends, and many people didn't know.    God uses the ugly things in our lives for such good.
I was able to share with my Anna that it is ok for people to not know. Or, if you want to tell them, that is ok too.
She said something quite funny.  "Mama, most of our friends and so many people at our church have adopted, it seems more like adopted is normal and being born into a family is more unusual!" LOL

So how would I handle an adoption issue, vs. and attachment issue differently?
Attachment has to do with RELATIONSHIP.  That is all about working on connecting with each other.  To talk about how we relate, or how we feel about having parents or sisters or even being in a family. It would have had nothing to do with what was going on in her heart.  I would have missed the Forrest for the trees!
Adoption has to do with being placed in a family... kerplunk! It is like being from another planet and just being "PLACED" elsewhere.... she HAD a story and a life BEFORE....
She was hurting because of  past memory due to placements and finally adoption.
We had to talk about THOSE issues.  She NEEDED me  to know and NEEDED to tell me that she LOVES us and wanted to make very sure we knew that the issue was totally different. 
It would have been VERY frustrating for her, if I had only gone on to talk about our relationship and then did something like keeping  her by my side  ALL THE TIME  or PLAYING ATTACHMENT GAMES, or,  not allowing the play date we allowed yesterday.  It would have made ZERO sense!  Her issue was not about attachment!
Instead, we talked about what was on her heart.  We talked about her feelings and the processing of the information she had,  into a greater understanding at a more mature level.  She was also given permission to NOT have to feel like everything was  neat and perfect in her life.  NOBODY'S LIFE IS NEAT AND PERFECT!  I think it was really helpful for her to accept the ugly of her past, and to know that it was NOT HER FAULT....
She also learned that MANY kids struggle with the same issues and feelings.  Mom and Dad will always be here... ALWAYS, at any time to talk, and  to understand. 

Yesterday, a friend came over who also had a very similar background to my sweetie.
She is reading the book "Three Little Words" and can identify with much in the book.
I was telling her about our day the day before, and she very CLEARLY agreed that the issues are NOT the same.
She is a lovely lady.  For those of you who are dealing with difficulties.... my friend is a shining example of HOPE and HEALING and what the Lord can do in one's life.
She also stated that some things will always be with you. They are not up in your face all the time, but they are there.  You cannot relate to some life experiences because you NEVER experienced them and that is a reminder to you of your beginnings.
This friend also had a good relationship with her final family. She remembers doing things that made no sense, and make no sense to her today, except she was a hurting kid, and kids do NOT think like adults.... even older ones. :)

A few more thoughts on attachment:
When our girls were newly home, we didn't leave them with anybody. We didn't do too many outside things.  We kept things simple and scheduled.  We played hand games and sang songs.
Life was very structured, but not harsh or unkind. 

But for older kids, it is a little more complicated and different.  They NEED to have outside friendships and relationships.  It is NORMAL for them.  It seems to hold them back in this area and it can be damaging to your relationship, and cause a child to be very frustrated.
While they MAY BE very young emotionally, that doesn't mean they don't also have older kid feelings and angst. NOR does it mean they are going to STAY young emotionally.  Our kids are NOT STUCK.... they are growing.
Giving them the opportunity to explore a little in a safe environment is a good thing!  It seems some of the more "extreme" attachment parenting suggested by some can cause PROBLEMS in both relationship and also in self esteem.... constantly being reminded that "you are different!"

Three of our  girls, came home before the age of 8. Had they come home at 11, like Alli, they would have gone to Sunday School without us, not with us if that was their choice.  They would go to play dates without us, not with us once home for 3-6 months.  There has to be a sense of rationality when it comes to older children. 
Alli was 11 when she came home.  We handled things a little differently with her because she WAS older.  She was given the option of going to Sunday School. She preferred to stay with us for a while.
When she was beginning to blossom, I did allow her to go on play dates where I didn't stay.  She has some very good friends who love her. They know her story.  Giving her these opportunities helps her to feel "NORMAL" and she LEARNS from her new experiences.

OLDER child attachment happens very differently than with much younger children.
Going shopping!  Dinner dates!  Going for a walk, or just talking, facilitates attachment.  Getting to know them and sharing so they can get to know us, facilitates attachement.  No judgement... no "you did what?"  Just listening...  And yes, older kids still like the rocking chair. :)  But if they don't, that is OK.... we have to work with them where THEY ARE.
  
Just some thoughts. :)


I am so thankful that we NEVER STOP LEARNING... and WE NEVER STOP LOVING!

I Think They Can Be Declared Healthy....PLUS

The last of the fevers are gone! Yea! We made it through the weekend and even had school today!

PLUS:

I have to say, we have had some real strides made in the Alli -Attachment, Adjustment department. :)
After learning that it is A-OK to call on mama and daddy to care for you when you are sick, and hearing from Sarah, that parents LOVE YOU...... she has just been melting. :)

But one of the biggies that happened today had to do with free time-lunch time.  Many times, she would get out of sorts if somebody picked a black and white show, like Andy Griffith or The Beverly Hillbillies to watch.... (sometimes at lunch I let them watch an episode)  Alli would not even attempt to watch something in black and white, and would retreat to her room to pout. 
But today was very different. It was raining and too cold to go outside, AND because she was getting over the flu, I didn't want her to go out.  Sarah asked to watch an Andy Griffith episode and I said yes.
Alli instantly didn't like it.  So we looked right at each other and I said, "You do know that you do not have to watch it. You can play in your room, do an art project, sit with mama, or many other things....you are NOT required to do what Sarah does, and it is OK to do something else.  She paused..... and went straight for the art cabinet and happily pulled out an art project.
YEA!
I was so proud of her! 
This afternoon after school, all 4 of them were playing spy girls. Oh my, the outfits were something else.  She quickly told daddy she was a spy so he shouldn't tell anybody where she was..... it was really cute.
He looked at me and said, "I think she likes being a kid!" LOL
I think he is right. :)

The Benfits of the FLU

It appears the Flu is paying a visit to our house.  It came upon us suddenly, as we were on our way home from a shoe shopping event.  I call it an event, because to buy shoes for 4 little girls all at the same time IS an event! :)

Alli complained that she had a head ache on the way home, and Sarah said, "I'm feeling kinda dizzy".... I started to feel dizzy too, not sure if it is sympathy flu, but there was a fever accompanying it. :)

When I took Alli's temp.... she was at 101. So, we started on fluids and I made sure she didn't have a stiff neck, just a simple head ache.  She seemed to be just fine with mild symptoms like Sarah when she went to bed.... and then, at 4:00 a.m. I woke up.... it was like an inner voice telling me, "Go Check Alli"..... I flew out of bed, and there was Alli wide awake laying on her bed. As soon as our eyes met she said, "Mama, I feel sick!"
I asked her, sweetie, "Why didn't you wake me?"  She said, "I didn't want to bother you." Poor baby....
Sarah was sleeping soundly with no fever symptoms.

So I took Alli's temp at she was at 103 plus.... so Mike and I both got to work and got her into a tepid bath to bring down her temp. She was a trooper! When she couldn't stand it anymore, we counted to 100, and then she got out and we wrapped her up to keep her from shivering.... she drank her fluids, orange juice with x tra vitamin C, and I gave her some fever reducer..... and then she drank about 3 glasses of water and then she ate a banana.....
And then..... I  told her that when our babies are sick, we usually take them to our room so we can watch them very carefully..."Would that be ok?"  She said yes....
So we placed her between us and snuggled in... by now it was 5:00 and her temp was around 99.
She had this sweet smile on her face when she fell asleep. It was a look of satisfaction, even though she was sick.
We all decided that it would be best to stay home from services today, so we wouldn't be "carrier monkeys" to whatever it is we have.....
The other girls piled in our room and we shared the story about what happened in the middle of the night.   Alli said, "I just prayed that God would help me, and HE woke up Mommy! "I didn't want to wake her. "

Then Sarah, in her best Valley Girl voice said, "Of course you should call Mommy and Daddy! They are like, Parents! That is what parents are for! They love you and take care of you! Hello! LOL

Take 2

 We all laughed at Sarah's antics..... She tried to recreate it for us, but the natural one this a.m.  was the best. :)

Alli just seemed so content this a.m. giving out lots of hugs and I love yous. :)
I hope everybody feels MUCH better tomorrow! We are still hovering between 99 and 100.

Another Alli Update

Yesterday was such a great day.... and really we have had a great few weeks.  I think yesterday though, was a high light as I was seeing a very relaxed, very happy Alli, just enjoying life.
Last night, Mike and I talked and we were both prepared today for a possible regression because yesterday was sooo good. :)
But, when Alli woke this a.m., she was happy and ran into daddy's arms. We had a great morning, and a little while ago she called her other family.  It was a good call and she told them all about their antics playing Ancient Egypt.... they watched The Mummy Returns  a few weeks ago about the explorers that find the lost tomb of somebody.... and all the events that follow.... it is an action adventure type movie that is not serious, but a little scary mixed with humor.
The girls have been playing explorer ever since. :)

I loved how she was excited to tell all their adventures. When she hung up, I was walking into the kitchen and she ran into my arms and said, "I love being a kid mommy!"  :)  "I love you!"
I have this sense, that she is really realizing that she is finally home.
And she happily went back to doing her school work.

I am thinking that we have reached a new level of attachment.... for all of us.
She is just adorable. :)

THE ALL IMPORTANT ROCKING CHAIR

Did I ever mention that I think rocking chairs are important?

Well, if I didn't....

ROCKING CHAIRS ROCK! :)

I was reading a little earlier today, that a doctor thought a little boy was too old to be rocked. He was 6.
This got me thinking about our perceptions in our society about closeness with our children, showing affection, and why society thinks our kids have to grow up so quickly!  WHY?
What is our hurry?
I was reminded of the book, "I'll love you forever".  Where the mama rocks her precious son, and as he gets older, she sneaks in and rocks him.... and at the end of the book, there is a picture of him, rocking his very aged mother.  It is a precious little story about forever love.

Rocking chairs are such an important part of our lives. I had a rocking chair when the boys were little. I LOVED it.  I remember wanting one so badly when our first son was. born I rocked him, but it was me making all the motions. Rather exhausting. :)
I finally got my rocking chair and I used it.... BOY did I use it.  The boys loved being rocked.
Then, it finally wore out and I went without one for a long time.

Before we got the girls, we finally purchased another rocking chair. This one was perfect. It was soft, reclined and rocked at the same time, and even reclined to a fixed position.   I was used to rocking myself.  Then, Anna came.  She needed to be rocked. The very first time I met her, even before we decided to adopt her, I rocked her in that chair and sang to her.  She was visiting and couldn't get to sleep.
I still can't believe she let me rock her and sing to her, but she did.  She was 4 years old.
When we adopted her, we rocked her in that chair every single night for 2 years.  We rocked her in the day time, we rocked her when she was happy and we rocked her when she was sad, we rocked her when we needed to correct her and we rocked her when we praised her.  We ROCK!

The chair has also been thoroughly used with Sarah AND Erika.  Anytime there needs to be serious discussion, we say, "Head to the rocker!"  I couldn't imagine being without it.

I have even rocked my grand kids in it, including my grand daughter Katie who is 14! (she was 13 the last time we sat together in that rocker)
We even had a double rocker for a while.... but it wasn't the "rocker rocker". :)
The one we have serious conversation in.

I still rock my girls.... not like we used to, but we still enjoy a good snuggle in the morning or evening.
My Anna, still loves to be rocked and connected.  She NEVER wants to get rid of the rocking chair.

If you don't have a rocking chair, you are really missing out on something special. :)
Something about the chair, just seems to make life more pleasant, conversation easier, and snuggle time a lasting, fond, memory.

Somehow, getting into that rocking chair causes the girls to just open up in a way that amazes me.
It is just accepted, that while in the chair, you can say whatever is on your mind freely, you can listen better, and you can pray with mom without distraction.  A LOT of healing has gone on in that chair.

Do you have memories of a favorite rocking chair?

Healing Begins At Home: Being A Therapeutic Home

In my last post, I talked about my own person views on Attachment. I didn't feel it was worded very well, because I am not feeling very well right now. But I do believe I must have gotten across what I wanted to say, based upon a couple of responses. :)

One of the questions was from Diana. She asked, "How have you dealt with balancing this need for kids to process their trauma and express anger over it, with keeping things loving, present, and compassionate in your home?"

This is a very good question. I remember when I was little, I would feel rage inside, but I wasn't allowed to express it in any way. It was perceived as rebellion. Much of it was hurt. Was there rebellion. Yes, but not just because. There was reason behind it.
I remember going into my closet one time and saying 3 curse words, 3 x's each. I laugh about it now, a little, but I still remember that hurt child. I remember the incident, well and I remember not being allowed to "feel". So, in that closet, after I was finished with my secret tantrum.... I was consumed by horrible guilt and shame. How could I , a Christian girl at that, dare to do something so awful. And, I repented to my Lord. I was 8.
When I finished praying, I actually felt better, and left my closet to go back into my real world.
But that feeling of being pushed to the brink has stayed with me for my whole life.

Honestly, If the person who hurt me had just said they were sorry, or apologized, or if somebody ELSE had recognized that I had been mistreated, I don't think I would have needed to rage. That is important to remember. I think a listening ear, can be enough. Just to understood, can be enough.

God can use the terrible things in our lives to bring about Good! In me, he brought about repentance and dependence upon HIM, and in the long term, he later brought that recollection and understanding of what happened and how I could better understand children in my care.

As we took the parenting classes preparing for the worst with our Anna, I could identify so much with the hurt child. I cannot go into details, but I remember moving so much as a child that I stopped making real friends for a while. I figured, "Why bother, we will just move again and I'll have to start over all over again."

There were many other things I identified with. I also remember during a couple of years in my life having a dog. I remembered spending time with her and caring for her.
She was where I would go when I was upset, and she could help settle my heart when I was upset.

So when the girlies came, one of the first things we did was get animals. Animals have a way of reaching the heart of a child. Even the hardest of hearts can be taught to be loving and compassionate.
When Anna came, she was so full of rage that she would put her hands in the air and stiffen her body and shake. Sometimes she did this several times a day for no reason at all. She nearly looked like she was having a seizure, but she wasn't. I remember giving her, her very first pet chicken. I watched her like a hawk (no pun intended) to make sure she didn't hurt the chicken. I would sit and listen to her play, and realized she had no idea what to do with that chicken, just like she had no idea what to do with her first baby doll.
With her doll, she held it by the foot and asked me to baby sit it, because she had to go to "wook"...
I told her no, I couldn't because mommy's need to stay with their new babies and love them. She got so mad at me and said, "BUT I HAVE TO GO TO WOOK!" LOL
I said, "your baby is your work!" "She said, "Are you gonna watch my baby or not?"
I said, NO, I am not. TO which she picked up a fake phone and called a fake friend to watch her baby! " LOL

I didn't intervene at that moment. I just cracked up and figured, we have much work to do. LOL

So, I said, Anna, how do you hold a baby? She didn't know. So we wrapped that baby up and placed it in her arms. And she learned her first lesson in nurturing.
I also told her lots of stories in the rocking chair about bringing her brothers home and how we cared for them. We would just talk and converse and she learned during our rocking chair experiences.

With her chicken, she would stand over it and shake at first, but with learning how to care for her baby and speak kindly to it... (this was work too) she learned to talk to her chicken in the same way. She fed it, gave it water and made sure it was cared for.

We added sheep. Oh my goodness, you would not believe how she became Mrs. Boe peep!

One day she couldn't get them to do what she wanted them to and she cam in all red faced just sobbing, "LET's KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL! Let's just EAT THEM!!!!" LOL
I calmed her down and learned that they were not cooperating with her animal school.
So we washed her face and got her cooled off, and we sat together in the rocker.

I asked her how she would feel if we got mad at her when she didn't cooperate? She thought about it. I asked her also, "do you think maybe they don't understand?" "It is your job to help them understand and teach them." So we went over ways to help animals trust us. Repeat repeat repeat! And she also learned about animal behavior, what is normal etc.

After that incident, she became known as Anna the Animal Whisperer.


She can make those animals do ANYTHING and she is kind and gentle to them. She is always studying some sort of book on animal behavior. LOL

When Sarah came,
we purchased a Play School Family Doll House for her and Anna for Christmas.

We bought lots of family members so they had enough to play with, and I would watch them interact. You can learn a whole lot about what is in your child's heart, by watching them pretend "family". There were some pretty interesting interactions that took place with that doll house. This was our "therapy" house. They just didn't know it. :)

I would observe, and most of the time didn't need to intervene too quickly. But when somebody would pretend to yell at a child, or get violent, I would intervene....
I'd say, "oh dear, that is sad." Do you remember that? The answer might be yes, or "no I was just playing."
Either way, we would talk about how that kind of thing in real life isn't ok because it hurts us. I would let them know, of course it is ok to feel hurt if that happened to you, and then I would guide them about what to do with that hurt.

God does not want us to keep our hurts. He wants us to give our hurts to him. Do you know that he holds our tears in a bottle? They are so precious to him, he doesn't forget even one! And we would have a simple lesson in giving our hurts to God and forgiving those who hurt us.

These times took place in our home 24/7. There came a time when I didn't have to worry about how the girlies would play with that doll house because they received what I shared with them readily, and learned new ways to be "mommies".

I also read them lovely books on wonderful mommies. The Mennonites have wonderful family books that are read a louds. You can find many of their readers here.
The girl's favorite was Annette and Samuel on the Farm and Kitten in the Well.
Another fabulous book was "Conduct for the Crayon Crowd" by Edna Gerstner.
They are little stories about family life and how it is related to God.

One of the things we have done a lot of is singing songs like "Stop and let me tell you!" and when you say "stop", we say something positive. It is a fun game that makes us think on the positive and not concentrate on the negative.

I also came up with our imaginary tool box. We put inside the things we need at the moment. This was a huge help to them. I told Anna, 6 years ago, "Daddy has tools to use to work on cars and he keeps them safe in his toolbox. You don't seem to have any tools to help you". So we went through the motions of opening our tool box and putting in, "Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness,Self Control, Faithfulness and many other tings.... tell the truth tools, keeping our hands to ourselves tools. Etc.
If she were going to start a rage, I would say, "what tool can you use?" Many times this would stop her in her tracks and she would think about a tool to use, and use it.

The girls also keep journals. We started journaling about 2 years ago. They can write anything they want and it will not be erased or corrected. Many times they have written about their past experiences, and they bring it to me to read. I always ask, "Are you ok?" And I get a smile and a yes mom, I am fine! We have wept together, and laughed together. And of course, we always pray together.

I do not try to give them all the answers, like I understand everything, because I don't.
Some of my deeper conversations with Erika have included us weeping together and me saying, I don't understand why you had to go through so much. But I DO KNOW, from the bottom of my heart that God intends it for good. And I do believe that, I know that she does too.

We repeated much of the same things with Erika that we did with Anna and Sarah, and frankly, when she first came home, I thought I was going to be glued to the rocking chair for life. LOL It didn't take too long to get everybody settled.

We have also added painting and art to our lives, and dancing. It is a great outlet.

Erika's adjustment has been amazing.
But honestly, she is one of the most steady, resilient, content people I have ever met. She is at peace. And it is apart of her natural makeup.

When I mentioned in my last post about our son being incredibly sensitive,
that is the same description I would give Anna.

She and our son Joe, shared a lot of the same types of behaviors. So while trauma is a trigger for those, I think how a child heals, is greatly dependent upon what their natural makeup is like.

As Sandy spoke about traumatized horses, I'm sure there are some horses that recover easier than others, yet have been through very similar circumstances.

I think the biggest thing I have learned is, "If it isn't going to matter in 100 years, don't sweat it now." Sort of a take on "he won't be going to college in diapers." :)

We want to focus on healing yes, but we want to focus on future. I knew when my daughters were whole, when they stopped looking at the past and started planning for the future.
Before, there were no plans for a next birthday or a next holiday. That had never happened to them. But now, oh my, they plan way ahead, and we are in that plan!

I think emotional healing is like that onion I have talked about before. There are layers of understanding to it. You heal what you understand, but then, as you gain more knowledge, you may revisit and need to heal some more.


I like to see our home as a beacon of light to show the way out of a very dark place.
I try to make sure my arms are always open for hugs, endless hugs, even though sometimes I am tired. I want to be available in the middle of the night, or anytime, to just be there if they need me. Because that is what mothers do. I want them to remember my smile, to remember me warmly caressing their hair, and to remember that I always always love them, even though I am not perfect.
I also try to model what I want them to do. If I am wrong, I drop what I do and I apologize, sincerely and ask their forgiveness. In doing that, it opens the door for them to do the same.
Healing starts at home.

The wounds this life causes are not to be forgotten totally, lest we repeat history.
They however can be used as a crutch for life, or, can be used as a spring board that can launch us into a wonderful life.

I'm sorry this is so long. :)