Infinitely More: a book review

Back in 2012 I spoke at an adoption conference called "Together for Them". Alex Krutov was the key note speaker. He shared his very raw testimony of his life growing up in the Russian orphanage system and how Missionaries that he met, sharing the Love of a Savior, Jesus Christ, caused a huge change in his life. At the conference we got a chance to talk and we formed a friendship that has lasted many years.

Today, Alex is a husband, father and leader of an amazing ministry called "The Harbor", that works with aged out orphans. Alex and Amy and the boys stop here periodically when in town and we host them at our home. It is always such a pleasure to see them.

If you want to read a riviting book and testimony about God's grace through perilous times, this is the book for you! It is available for purchase on Amazon.
Alex and Amy's ministry is very active and dependent upon donations. This is their website. The Harbor

Dark Clouds Deep Mercy book review

I'd like to start a series of posts on favorite books and why they are favorites. There are so many books to read and yet not all of them are worthy reads. I would like to offer some of the books I have found very useful for personal study or in counseling ministry.

The title for today is "Dark Clouds Deep Mercy".

This book has been so helpful to me personally as well as to many friends. It is a book about Lament and how to use the Psalms. It comes with a journal that really is a stand alone journal you can use without reading the book, as much of the book is in the journal. The author of the book is Mark Vroegop.
The book guides you through a series of Personal Laments, Corporate Laments, Laments of Repentance and Justice Seeking Lament. Each section contains specific chapters for the book of Psalms. In it, we learn to 1: TURN: Talk to God even in the messy lives we lead. 2: COMPLAIN: tell Him all about the problem. 3: Ask Ask Him for deliverance, and then 4: TRUST Have confidence in GOD's trustworthiness in all circumstances.
The Author says that trusting in the Lord is the destination of all Lament.

NEXT: there is a section to personalize it and write your own lament. We read, explore, pray and reflect on each scripture passage. It is a great exercise in personal prayer and seeking the Lord. The more you familiarize yourself with the method, you find it easier to pray and wind up with praise and trust.
I hope you grab a copy, especially the journal, and try it out. I'm going through it for the 3rd time.

When Love Is A Foreign Concept: A Book Review Pt. 5

This is my final part of my book review on Kathryn Joyce's book, "The Child Catchers".  The previous 4 reviews are below this post. :)

The last chapters of the book are full of detail about how agencies, using unethical practices, cause so much harm to programs.  Several people are mentioned who have good hearts and see clearly that ignorance can go a long way in causing damage to orphans.  They have learned that changing the tide of adoption IN COUNTRY is a good thing, but a very slow process. Rwanda is mentioned in regards to this.  Encouraging the church to step in and help with orphan care has been in process, but it is slow and adoption is still needed, especially for children who have Special Needs.

There was also a mention about Christians who will try to skirt the laws, fill out false paper work, forge documents to get an adoption through at any cost, without considering the fall out of their actions. 
And I agree here... the fall out can be HUGE.
I remember our translator telling us about a couple in Ukraine who said when they were leaving the country that they would do no post placement reports and there was nothing that could be done about it.  That couple didn't realize that adoptions shut down for months, including our own daughter's adoption because of people like them, who refused to follow the law they had agreed to follow in writing!

The last chapter of the book is about those who have been adopted finding their roots once again.  It talks about children who came here from Korea a long time ago, and also how the mindset is changing regarding mothers raising their own children in a society that frowns strongly on single mothers having babies and caring for them. 

In the very last chapter towards the end.... Ms. Joyce writes,

 "Adoption may be a wonderful outcome for many families and many children, but much more often than we acknowledge, this win-win scenario is not the case.  Well meaning people can enable tragedy with their good intentions or their lack of understanding of what an adopted child needs. ..........the outcomes are often painful. And as those secondary adoptive parents who have picked up the pieces of failed adoptions can attest, for the child, a bad or an unnecessary adoption can be worse than none at all."

While I understand he statement, and certainly agree that an unnecessary adoption is worse than not having one at all..... the outcomes of our daughters who have come to us because of failed adoptions have been quite good.  This may not be the norm, but it is our norm.  That does not mean that we are blind to the loss our children have suffered.  Part of a successful adoption includes addressing that loss and helping a child through the grief process.  And when I say process,  it is  just that.  It isn't a one time thing like "Ok, you've grieved now get over it!"  No.    It is a part of life and history to be embraced and accepted. 

Overall, I think this book was VERY informative and I am glad that I read it.  There is much to discuss and much to think about. 
Christians need to clean up their act! 
One thing that was missing.... Christians are not the only ones who adopt.  But I understand the book was about the churches response to adoption.  It just seemed a little heavy in that area.  I think there are probably organizations out there, non  Christian who do the same things.  HOWEVER, that is no excuse for ANY organization to be unscrupulous.

Why did I call the title of my posts "When Love is a Foreign Concept"?  Because I think for many, they don't get why people adopt.  For some, they adopt for the wrong reasons, maybe to fulfill something in themselves or to earn something with God and they do not understand unconditional love.  For others who are looking to separate healthy families so they can make a dollar on putting another family together, they do not understand love at all.  It is a foreign concept to them.

One thing I do believe, and it may bother Ms. Joyce a bit, is the idea that God has adopted us.
It is true.  As Christians, we are adopted by our heavenly father.  This does not mean we have to adopt.  Some are called to adopt, some are called to live a different kind of life.  Every individual in the body of Christ is not supposed to do the same thing! 
Adopting our children has made the gospel even more clear to me.  But I cannot "SAVE" my children. That is up to God.
I can teach them what I believe to be true.   The rest is between them and the Lord.  God has filled our hearts with love for others.... it has spilled out into our lives through adoption... but not just through adoption. 
We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves.  And who is my neighbor? 

:)

When Love Is A Foreign Concept: A book review part 4

Whew... I have been doing some reading.  IT. HAS. BEEN. HARD..... 

I am saddened by what I am reading. 

The next part of my review will be on Chapter 5 of "The Child Catchers". 

If any of you have read my blog for very long, you know that we are Christians. We home educate our children. We are adoptive parents both domestic, International and International through adoption dissolution.  We are well covered in all areas of CPS, Agencies and Private adoption.

We are probably Kathryn Joyce's nightmare IF we fit into the stereotypical assumptions made in the book.  :)
But I  do not take offense at her observations.  They do not define my family.
I am trying very hard to look past assumptions to see what she is trying to say.  She has a lot to say.

Some of the concepts that are repugnant to Ms. Joyce in regards to God's ultimate plan, to suffering, to Spiritual awareness, to Christianity in general. We believe Jesus Christ is our savior.
However, WE cannot save anybody.   That seems to be a theme in the book that Christians want to adopt to save.  (both spiritually and physically)
We believe in the Gospel.  The Gospel can be spread in many different ways. It doesn't require adoption. 
Maybe what is misunderstood is what the Gospel is, and that it is not a set of religious rules but it is a life that is lived out according to the truth of Scripture.  No one can come to Christ unless the Spirit draws them.... we cannot save!  That is the job of God, and as far as I know, there are Christians world wide!

If there are agencies out there who are claiming Christ, and yet breaking the very laws of God without hesitation... lying, stealing, bearing false witness, (another kind of lying)  and more.... I would have to say they may be Christian in Name Only.  The scripture says, "You will know them by the fruit they bear."  Meaning.... if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is probably a duck! :)
If an agency is unethical.... then, they are unethical and the Christian title should be ignored!
It is sort of like that plumber that puts the little fish sign on his business card and shakes your hand saying, "I'm a Christian!" And then rips you off.....in the name of Christ.

Any time I see a card like that, I start checking my pocket to make sure my wallet is still there!

In short.... YES! There are WOLVES in SHEEPS CLOTHING.... BE AWARE!  If anything, this book beats that drum all throughout and the warning should be heeded!

With that said,  a few of the adoption stories regarding Christian families who are Home Educators, who adopt, and who are followers of the likes of Michael Pearl and No Greater Joy ministries.... OH my...Yes, they made it into this book. 
Many of you know I have written many times about this type of mindset, and the devastation it can cause not only in a typical family, but especially in an adoptive family.   Ms. Joyce hits that nail HARD with the story of a family who lived in Tennessee and adopted something like 10 children from Liberia.  Only 3 of those adoptions remained intact, and it was not known if they were successful....
Her description from the eye witness account of the oldest daughter was heart wrenching. 
It made me seriously angry, not at Ms. Joyce, but at the following of False Teachers that leads to outright child abuse!  Of course the Pearls deny that their book advocates child abuse.... but whatever.
I have written about them here.

This brings home another concept that we MUST be aware of in the adoption community.... KNOW the country you are adopting from. UNDERSTAND the customs!  Understand the family structures!

This little girl was getting beaten for not looking in the eye, when in fact it was a sign of respect in her country.  She was in trouble for caring for her siblings which she had always done! 
The baby was beaten for going to her sister for comfort instead of the adoptive mother until her legs bled.  Gee I wonder why?
This stuff went on for years and the children were treated more as slaves than children, not being educated as was stated.
My heart hurts just writing this.  I had no idea. I know of the magazine put out by this family, but  have never read it.
They are Pearlites....
Of course the Lydia Schatz case was mentioned too, but just briefly. 

Ms. Joyce also mentioned one of the sons was sent back to Liberia where he now lives with his grandmother.  He is an American citizen, but cannot come to America without a sponsor. I don't get that at all. 
Since before the book was published, years had gone by and the family has since tried to reunite with children once rejected.   There have been huge issues still, of extreme control.  The older daughter has chosen to forgive and move on; a sign of her mature character.

But how many kids are DESTROYED by this kind of stuff?  MANY.
There is also much talk about RAD. 
I know Ms. Joyce does not understand RAD and wrote what she could regarding it... but frankly, RAD is over diagnosed.
The children in many of these families described were showing classic signs of Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment disorder.   Maybe more accurately, it can be called Grief and Loss.

And FRANKLY, in a family that is requiring complete control, including control over how you feel, I might just develop RAD.

She briefly mentions adoption disruption/dissolution, the Ranch and the "underground series of homes that take in kids for respite care and rehoming".  ( I do not like the word re homing.  It makes a very sad event sound much softer than it is.   Disruption is divorcing your child!
 
I do know that this type of respite happens, and there are respite care homes that are just word of mouth.
It is a part of the "Wild West of Adoption". 

I have made people aware myself when somebody was going to disrupt after all avenues of effort had been made to save the adoption.  But I am in no way an agent who advocates for disruptive families or those who want to adopt through disruption.

Both times that we have adopted from Disruption, our social worker and the original agency that the adoption was handled by were involved.  We never met an intermediary  who was not a licensed social worker.
We were introduced one time to a lady who wanted to adopt with no intermediary, and it was very uncomfortable.... too loose for me.

If anything, Chapter 5 should be read by all prospective adoptive parents to help them understand that they need to be PREPARED beyond food, housing and clothing.  They need to be prepared for children who are hurting, in shock, unable to communicate and more. 

THIS was the very problem that caused both of our sweeties to be labeled and disrupted.  We are the fortunate parents of two very bright girls who are flourishing.  It is hard work!  And if you are going to adopt, be prepared for HARD WORK and COMMITMENT, otherwise, DO NOT ADOPT!

More to come.....

When Love Is A Foreign Concept: A book review part 3

This book is tough to read.  The title of the book is "The Child Catchers".... this is my 3rd part.

Reviews one and two are just below this post.
I was accounting certain parts to my husband from chapter 4, and his response was, "Are these Christian Agencies?"   Some are listed. 
There are accounts, similar to the video I saw about Mosha and her baby brother who were adopted to parents in Amsterdam. 
I couldn't believe what I was reading. 
I believe it.  It is just so hard to read.

If there are groups out there, operating in this way, then we need to separate ourselves from them and declare that they are not from us.  They are not operating in love, and once again, "Love is a foreign Concept" to them.

One of the more disturbing accounts was about 3 little girls who were much older than the family was told. The family was told that the mother died of aids and the father was dying of aids.  They were shocked when they picked them up that they were well dressed, they had back packs with things, and they also had family photo albums of a large, loving extended family. 

It turned out, the girls WERE older, the father was NOT dying and the extended family thought they were sending the girls to get an American education. They did not understand that adoption is permanent. 
The girls were confused about name changes and the oldest girl has been devastated by her adoption, very much like Mosha, she no longer lives in the home. 

And the adoptive family has been devastated.  They thought they were adopting orphans. They weren't.

Another family was looking at a DVD of their possible future children. They asked for a translator to interpret.  When the mother was asked if she understood adoption, she said no... and the film was cut. Then, it came back on with her saying yes, and could she now leave to go back to her baking.  The family was very suspicious and the translator encouraged them to NOT adopt these children, as something was very wrong.  The family questioned the agency, and the agency wound up giving the children to somebody else to adopt.

Folks, if this is real.... this is heartbreaking, and it is NOT the fault of good hearted American parents who want to provide a loving home to an orphan.

I believe this is most likely the heart of why Ms. Joyce wrote this book, and we need to sit up and take notice as the church to make sure we are not aiding unscupulous agencies who are using the name of Christ to traffic children.

That must end.

I strongly recommend that anybody adopting internationally look into the agencies being used to make sure things are done correctly and according to the law.


I remember when we went to get Erika, she had never had any visitors. While we were in Ukraine, a new law had passed. Her parents had never visited even though she was less than 1 hour away.  Because they had terminated their rights willingly at the hospital, the new law stated they had to write a letter stating they were willing to allow Erika to be adopted.
This took place while we were in the country and had to be done by a notary.
I believe this was another step for Ukraine to make sure parents understand the permanency of adoption.
I have noticed that Russia often refers to adoptive parents as "foster parents". 
We are NOT foster parents. 
We are parents. Adoption is permanent and life changing.  Things had better be correct in the background paperwork! 

I'm still in shock from what I read.

When Love Is A Foreign Concept : A Book Review part 2

This is part 2 of a series of reviews that I will write as I go through the book "The Child Catchers" by Katheryn Joyce.  Part one is here.  And please read Katie's comment in the comments section of part one.  She gave a heartfelt view from the realities of Haiti.

Somebody asked me why I was reading it.  I am reading it because I want to see all points of view, and hear what she has to say. 
We are not perfect people, none of us are.  And if her book reveals areas that need improvement,  then truth be told, we need to take it to heart.  Truth is truth, no matter who the messenger is.

With that said, I was less than thrilled with the first 3 chapters painting such an odd spin on Christians who are involved in adoption.  I felt words were twisted to mean something different than intended.  And this can be a problem within the church. We need to be careful to use speech that is familiar to many and not rely "Christianeese" type speech. It can be grossly misunderstood.

So, lets move on to part 2.  I am in chapter 3 now.
In Chapter 3, it starts of with God's sovereignty and suffering.  Ms. Joyce does not understand how a family can say that an adoption was meant to be, or God had chosen a particular child for a particular family.  For somebody to look into a community of people who believe that God directed their very steps, which includes me.... looking at it from the outside, outside of faith, it probably does look weird.   So, we'll go with being weird. :)

The next part of chapter 3 mentions a young lady in the states who became pregnant as a teenager. Her parents wanted nothing to do with her being pregnant and she was sent to a ministry that works with unwed mothers. 
I have a real heart for this situation, and I think we need to look closely at the programs we support.
I love Crisis Pregnancy Center's ministry to mother's and children, and Catholic Charities ministries to unwed, poor mothers, married mothers and children. 
On one hand, if a mother goes to Planned Parenthood, they are going to encourage abortion.  "You don't want to have a baby, it will mess up your life, your plans for an education, your future."
If you go to Crisis Pregnancy Center, they may say, "Don't have an abortion!  You have a life inside of you!  If you don't want the baby, you can plan for the baby to be raised by adoptive parents."
OR.... they can say, "We will help you if you DO want to keep your baby.  We will help you develop a plan."

I think some ministries have it right.  If you want to keep your baby... we'll help you.  If you don't we'll help you in adoption.
The problem comes with coercion.  Putting pressure on a  mother to relinquish her child for the benefit of the child can be short sighted;  but not always, especially if the mother is an addict or has other major issues that would prevent her from caring for a child, or would put the child in danger.
The young lady mentioned in the book seems to fit into the first category.  Pressured.

But wait.... Before I can say the ministry that pressured her was wrong, and I think there is responsibility there..... the first wrongs came long before them.  There was a breakdown in her family.
I'll skip the part about not getting pregnant... that already happened.  But where is the relationship of the parents with their daughter.  Nobody wants their daughter to get pregnant outside of marriage, but if it does happen, the problem is not the baby!  Babies are always a blessing, even unplanned ones!
Why are grand parents not willing to help establish stability so the baby CAN have his mother care for him?
THERE is the biggest issue I see. 
I have seen it work well!  I have also seen things not work well.  I have seen the heartache and disaster that happens when somebody feels coerced.  It isn't something you just "get over." 

The book went on to describe some pretty bizarre behaviors from this woman who felt coerced to give her son to another family to raise, and it seemed to me that she crossed the line from self pity to down right selfishness, certainly not thinking of her son at all! 
She was only thinking about what he would think of her!
I can see why the family took out a restraining order.   They were concerned for the welfare of their son.

Laws need to be respected and taken seriously.  We live in a country where trying to get around the law when you decide you don't like it, is becoming more common place.  And scenarios just like this one are why many people seek to adopt outside of the United States!

God's laws are perfect. There is a reason that we are not to have sexual relations before marriage.
I can't help but think that out of wedlock pregnancy was not in His plan for good reason.... the children.
BUT.... we do not live in a perfect world.  We live in a very flawed world.  Christians sin just as well as non Christians. We all do wrong.  Agencies who intend good, can have flawed practices and I think Ms. Joyce is bringing that to the forefront of conversation. 
That is a good thing.  

Chapter 3 goes on to talk about Adoption Fraud, the kidnapping of children from poorer countries to supply children for infertile richer families. 
We need to pay attention to this very carefully.  I agree that James 1:27 says to CARE for Widows and Orphans.  It does not mean to separate children from mothers.  Programs like World Vision and Compassion International help children to stay within their families. 
There will always be social orphans who desperately need adoption, due to parents who are unfit to parent or don't want to both here and abroad.  As Katie mentioned in her comment.  It wasn't hard to take in a child the parent was threatening to kill!

I don't think Americans understand the concept of "poor".  Our "poor" are richer than most in the world.  When we are talking poor, we are talking about a child  who will DIE if they stay in their familial setting.  Until something is set up to help these families, and YES there are ministries committed to do this, adoption IS the best option so the children can live!
BUT.... Parents need to fully understand what adoption means.  There should be no coercion, no lies told, not recruiting from a family who would otherwise keep their child. 
These are practices that must stop.

I would like more documentation on what is written about Crisis Pregnancy Centers. They have a good reputation and I do not believe that they are wrong in giving the opinion that women should not abort.
If any of what she says is true, for instance a woman who aborted getting a card near the due date of her baby with red paint splattered on it. I would want proof of that.
I find it hard to believe.  If it is true, that kind of stuff is wrong and needs to stop.

I have had personal experience with both Planned Parenthood and Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
I was the poor girl who was having a 4th child. Married? Yes. Poor? VERY. 
The first time I went to get a pregnancy test was with our first son.  It went to planned parenthood because I thought they helped you plan your family. I was very naive. 
I couldn't understand their hostility towards me not only for being married at 18, but for wanting the baby I was carrying!  They treated me badly and gave me all kinds of info on why I shouldn't have a baby.  I left very confused and bewildered.
However, when I became pregnant with our 4th son, I went to the Crisis Pregnancy Center run by Catholic Charities down the street. My experience was totally different.
They were excited, and happy. They treated me with respect and said, "if you need anything, just let us know. We have cribs, clothing, food, diapers." 

I mentioned to them how different my experience was from Planned Parenthood and you should have seen their faces.  They were the ones that explained that Planned Parenthood does not necessarily live up to the name! :)

Ms. Joyce talks about biased counseling from CPC's, but frankly.... each agency is going to offer what they believe to be helpful and true.  I felt strong armed by PP, and supported by CPC, so really it is all speculation.

One thing I will say is that the cost to adopt a baby in this country is ridiculous.   I don't know the answers on how to change that, but I do hope it does change.  I am thankful for the dialogue.
It is eye opening.
Chapter 3 ends with the mother in the beginning of the chapter who's son was relinquished for adoption being prayed over, and in turn relinquishing her guilt. 
I feel sad for her.  I feel compassion for her.  And I pray that mothers who have felt the crushing anguish of their past decisions would also be relieved of that guilt, and forgive themselves.

When Love Is A Foreign Concept : A book review part 1

A few weeks ago, my son Joseph called my attention to a book by Kathryn Joyce called, "The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking and the New Gospel of Adoption".

Wow! What a title!  I admit that I was intrigued to find out what Ms. Joyce had to say.  So, I found the book at 1/2 price books and ordered it.

I am planning to write a few posts regarding this book, so please bear with me.

Let me first say that I was not familiar with Kathryn Joyce. Forgive me if you know her well.  Her writing has not crossed my path before, and as I continued to read I could see why.

I must say, I am doing my best to read this book with an open mind, because I think she brings up some very important issues, but her virulent repulsiveness for Christianity comes through loud and clear.  Her mocking voice can be heard near and far.  And it is honestly, causing me to have a hard time receiving any "truth" she might have to share.

So far, I have made it to the first part of chapter 3, and I can tell you that she is like a dragon slayer, trying to slaughter anybody and everybody with a lens that is not in focus. 

You see, Ms. Joyce, from what I can see has no understanding of what true LOVE is.  She doesn't get why people would want children that are not wanted elsewhere!
She doesn't get why the church cares about orphans!

She has some valid points in her first chapter about misapplied affections and skirting laws, but her virulent arrogance against anything spiritual just makes her claims fall flat.

Frankly, I agreed with her about the woman who went to Haiti and tried to take children to the Dominican Republic without paperwork.   I agree laws must be followed! I agree that Christians, or ANY organization involved in adoption should not skirt the laws, be deceptive, or take children just because they are from poor families..... I get that. And if they break the law, then, let the law take care of that.
I also believe that James 1:27 does not mean to care for the orphan and widow SEPARATELY!
It may mean to care for them TOGETHER, keeping families together!

But my agreement stops there.

I get a strong sense so far, and as I said, I'm only in chapter 3, that Ms. Joyce lacks true understanding when it comes to who an orphan is, and why folks like us adopt them!

Yes, each one of our girls are "social orphans".  Each one of them, as far as we know has a living parent or relative!
Ms. Joyce seems to assume that there are parents and relatives ready to jump from the woodwork to take children who have been abandoned or have special needs.
She makes a VERY FATAL mistake here! And I DO SAY FATAL, because many children DIE waiting for somebody to care for them.
In our own home, 2 of our girls were abandoned at birth, willingly, by their biological parents. Neither of our girls were ever visited, even once!  Yet, Ms. Joyce would say they are not true orphans.
Would she rather they linger in dying rooms until the inevitable? DEATH?
Does she see this as a better option than adoption? Really?
She doesn't know what she is writing about! I guarantee that! At least not in this area!

She seems to see adoption as a very negative solution, and makes it very clear that it is over simplified and the loss part of the coin is overlooked.  I can accept SOME of that sentiment. 
Clearly, an adoption takes place because a loss takes place!  There is joy and there is loss.
Their is happiness and their is grief.
Yes....these exist and co exist.

To be continued: