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Saturday, April 13, 2013

A Picture of BCLC pt 2 "What Happens Next?"


Yesterday, I wrote this post <---- (linked)   about Miss Alli. :)
Today, I want to cover "What Happens Next?"

What happens after there is repentance and calm has come back into the home?  What happens next,  when a child exhibits old behaviors, or  you are in the throws of young child parenting or newly parenting traumatized, older, children?

BCLC or grace based parenting requires two sides of the discipline coin to be successful.  The first side, I wrote about yesterday in the post mentioned above, and have written extensively through out this blog regarding the same things.

The other side of the coin has to do with equipping our children with the tools needed to succeed the next time they feel overwhelmed or upset about something.

One of the leading questions you can ask your child is, "What happened last night when you were so upset? Do you know why you climbed up that tree?"  They may not know! Be prepared for that answer, and accept it as true.
The next step would be to say, "How do you think you can handle it differently next time?" Preparing them,  that in life, there will be disappointments, discouragements, disagreements and more.  Explain in detail  how you are not perfect, and neither are they. We never will be perfect here on this earth, and we will make mistakes.

If they come up with a strategy, that is fantastic! But don't expect them to do this right away if they are new to having to think outside of their comfort zone. 
This gives you opportunity to speak into their heart.  Offer a time when you were young and over reacted to something in your life. This puts you on the same team and reduces their level of shame. (I'll use one from my own childhood)

"I was so angry, so angry!  I went into my closet and hid.  I thought of bad words and then I bit my own hand! "  
"That seems so silly to me now!"
  I shared this with my daughter and she laughed.  "You did that?"
"Yep.  Mama did that!"
"And it didn't help me. All it did was make me feel guilty, because I knew it was wrong!"
"Mama doesn't do that anymore." 
"Would you like some ideas for tools so you don't let yourself get out of control when you are angry?"

And then, you can come up with some ideas together!
Sometimes writing down how you are feeling helps.  For a littler one, drawing a picture.

Maybe coming and sitting by you and squeezing your hand, squeezing a kush ball or singing a song, playing the piano, getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths in rhythm with mom, (Alli likes the breathing one),  playing basket ball, exercising, thinking about a funny joke...and more.....This is the other side of that discipline coin; teaching "self discipline" and "self control".  (all of these are successful self control tools)
For me, as a mama, if I am feeling like I am going to lose control myself, instantly making myself look at how I am feeling and then using humor with my child has diffused more situations than I can count over the years. 
"Wow! Mama said, "Don't be disrespectful, disrespectfully!"  oops! :) 

As our children learn to get those tools out and practice using them, they will get better and better at using them in the heat of the moment, preventing a melt down.
New butterflies emerge from their cocoons when those cocoons look like there is no life in them at all!  


And they soar!

I love hearing success stories... would anybody like to share?

2 comments:

Aus said...

Lots of good stuff here.

A couple things we are doing...unique to us maybe - and maybe not...

the "short circuit" works lately with our 5 (going on 15) year old son...when he starts into being "dis-regulated" I'll simply sit down with him and ask him to "jump right to the end". It requires more dialogue, like explaining how he starts of hiding his head and getting quiet - then he starts to cry then yell and thrash around - then starts to calm down and then can talk - then eventually smiles and goes back to doing what he was doing after a couple hugs - so lets just skip on down to the smiling and a couple hugs part - ok? Surprisingly that has worked with him more often than not.

The other is the "hand on the heart" - works like this - I start saying something that is "upsetting" usually one of the girls. They are allowed to come over and put their hand over my heart to let me know that what I am saying is hurting their heart. I have to stop and listen to what is hurting them and then find a different way to say what I am saying that doesn't "sting them". Correction is necessary to keep a family running smoothly - and accepting correction is a necessary skill for an adult to have. This really cuts down on the grief that the necessary correction is bringing to them however - because most all the time that a caring and loving parent is "hurting" a child with their words - that "hurt" is unintentional. This one works really well for us!

hugs - aus and co.

Aus said...

Lots of good stuff here.

A couple things we are doing...unique to us maybe - and maybe not...

the "short circuit" works lately with our 5 (going on 15) year old son...when he starts into being "dis-regulated" I'll simply sit down with him and ask him to "jump right to the end". It requires more dialogue, like explaining how he starts of hiding his head and getting quiet - then he starts to cry then yell and thrash around - then starts to calm down and then can talk - then eventually smiles and goes back to doing what he was doing after a couple hugs - so lets just skip on down to the smiling and a couple hugs part - ok? Surprisingly that has worked with him more often than not.

The other is the "hand on the heart" - works like this - I start saying something that is "upsetting" usually one of the girls. They are allowed to come over and put their hand over my heart to let me know that what I am saying is hurting their heart. I have to stop and listen to what is hurting them and then find a different way to say what I am saying that doesn't "sting them". Correction is necessary to keep a family running smoothly - and accepting correction is a necessary skill for an adult to have. This really cuts down on the grief that the necessary correction is bringing to them however - because most all the time that a caring and loving parent is "hurting" a child with their words - that "hurt" is unintentional. This one works really well for us!

hugs - aus and co.

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