Alli's Heart

Alli drew this heart for us tonight. :)  She said it shows how full her heart is with love.... it is almost to the top! :)  We can't wait for it to be all the way full! 
I think to day was a big deal.... more went on since my last post.... and I'm just too pooped to write about it now. :)

1 Month Home

We are one month together, and we are in the thick of learning what it is to be in a family and dealing with much grief, trauma and loss.

First off, let me say that I am not a perfect parent.  I have to die daily to myself....and it is hard.

There are many things  I could write about, but right now, I feel like I NEED to write about Miss Alli.
She is adorable, and sweet, and hurt, and angry, and a bundle of energy and she is loving yet frustrated.... she is 3, and 5, and 8 and 11 and single minded and determined and lonely and afraid and happy and affectionate and stubborn and needy..... and more..... :)

To sum her up: She is A WONDERFUL little girl....but we have much work ahead of us. :)
I feel like we are climbing a mountain.... it takes a long time to get up a mountain and the process can be weary.
We are very much like "Much Afraid" embracing our friends "Sorrow and Suffering".....

But oh the joy and anticipation of getting to the High Peaks! Oh the Joy when we will be able to look back and see the mighty handiwork of God in our lives.

Today was a day to mourn and a day to celebrate.  It actually started with my previous post from last night.
We woke up this a.m. and Alli unloaded the dishwasher without being asked, and then did the dishes. We got got ready for Church....but Miss Alli was not ready to go to Sunday School quite yet..... We had Ministry Group last night again, and she had a great time....but once again this a.m. was over tired.
She happily stayed with us during our class and then during the main church service.
As I looked over during song time, she was beginning to look rather sad, so I motioned for her to come and sit with me. She climbed into my lap and put her legs across daddy's lap and we quietly rocked during the entire service.
When it was over, we went out to lunch and she seemed to have a good time.

Then, I blew it a little..... I didn't prepare her for going into the feed store. We had to get  just a few things for goats and dogs. She wanted more. It started with cow boy boots and then went into dog leashes and toys etc, and don't forget the candy on the way out..... she managed to be ok in the store, but when I handed her to bag to carry to the car, I had to repeat myself, as her arms were folded tightly across her chest and there was a major pout going on. :)

This was my 3 year old Alli coming out.  When we got into the car to drive home, the pout was in full swing and it turned into sullen madness.....
She wouldn't answer my sweetest of inquiries. I was met with dead silence. A brick wall.... if you will.
So, I did what any mom would do....

I pulled the van over into the nearest parking lot, turned off the vehicle, got out and into the back seat with her and said, "We are not driving another foot until we get through this."  Silence. Refusing to look at me. Blankly staring off into space, going into herself where she could feel safe.  Safe behind her wall.
I was sitting there throwing up prayers trying to figure out how to climb that wall and reach her.

So, I treaded into deep waters and made my best attempt.
"I see you are angry!" 
"Can you tell mama why?"  Silence......

So, I took a chance after a few attempts..... I asked her to close her eyes. She didn't respond, so I put my hand over her eyes and asked her to breathe and think with me.
No response.

Then I said, "You know what REALLY makes me mad?"  I got a shrug....progress! :)
"I'll take that as you want to know."  I got another shrug.
I then said, "What really makes me mad is that you had to go into an orphanage!" "It makes me mad that you had to be cold!"  "It makes me mad you didn't have enough food!  It makes me mad that you had to change families and they gave you away!" "It makes me mad that you had to change again, and the same thing happened!"   That is what makes me mad.  Do you know why it makes me mad?

Another shrug, with a few tears involved.....

"It makes me mad because YOU ARE NOT JUNK. YOU ARE NOT TRASH TO BE TOSSED OUT!
You are PRECIOUS,  SWEET, AND KIND, and all those things have HURT YOU!" It makes me mad because I don't want to see my little girl hurt!"

By now she was clinging to me and holding on for dear life.  She was weeping, and I told her to go ahead and let those healing tears flow.....
And then, I said, "Do you know what makes me happy?"  She said, no.  "What makes me happy is that the Lord saw fit to bring you to us... It makes me happy that His hand is on our lives. It makes me happy because you are SECURE and SAFE and that you have sisters and a mommy and a daddy and we are on YOUR team!"  "It makes me happy that you are going to learn so much!"  "It makes me happy to see that you feel safe."

I told her I was going to get back into the van and drive home, and then she could take care of the dogs.  We got home and when we got into the house, she was saying, "Mommy, I am SOoooo Sorry!"
I told her, that is ok... You are learning. :)

About 2 hours later, we were back to the maddies, becaus she didn't know what to do. All of my suggestions fell on deaf ears as she had a one track mind.... "computer", but she had already used her allotted 30 minutes.  She stormed to her room with me following and she slammed the door....tried to anyway..... I caught it, and opened it and then said very firmly, "NO! You may NOT!"
I think she was stunned.  She began to sob.  We snuggled and I let her know it was never ok to be disrespectful.  She responded really well to that.

In the midst of these episodes, she has been delightful and happy.... we are learning to live together and work through very difficult circumstances.
What makes me the saddest is that in such a short life, Alli has never had any real stability. The only thing she has ever known is uncertainty.
But now, from now on, she will experience Stability, Relationship, Discipleship  and Forever for real...... it is a thing called LOVE, and in her own words, "I didn't really know what that was."

I'm sure it is scary. I'm sure she wants it to last, and we will need to consciously work on her understanding that she REALLY IS HERE FOREVER..... I don't think she believes that yet, because she doesn't know what forever means either. :)


But oh the mountain top..... It is in my sights. The Lord, through HIS grace and mercy will help us to get there. :)

Forgiveness and Blankets

Tonight, we had a HUGE breakthrough.....

Let me back up almost 6 years..... Sarah.... had BLANKET ISSUES!  She gave Anna a bloody nose over blankets. :/
Fast forward to Sarah and Alli sharing the same double bed...... They have been getting along grandly. In fact, today I observed them coming back from the dumpster near our road, arm in arm..... and the day went on quite well.....
Then, tonight happened....
Alli took the entire blankets!  ALL OF THEM... Sarah had none.
Sarah complained and Alli felt threatened..... escalation.............ugh!

So, I got Sarah in a good place, and she went over to Erika's bed to visit for awhile, while I spoke with Alli.
Alli INSTANTLY went into defense mode. She was in fetal position and recoiled when I tried to touch her.
I immediately implored for her to open her "tool box'.
She was not willing and recoiled to a different part of the bed....
And then, I just took her in my arms. She fought it for about 10 seconds and then it seemed ok.
I told her, she was safe and I know she needs blankets because for a LONG time, she was cold, all the time.
She relaxed abit and hugged me.  She thought Sarah was mad at her and that she lied about her taking the blankets.
I let her know Sarah would be ok, and she was not mad, but she DID take all the blankets, as Sarah had none when I came in the room.....
As we talked, I let her know that we MUST forgive others when we feel they have wronged us.
Sarah let Alli know she was sorry a bout their argument, and she didn't think she "stole" the blankets.
Alli at first refused to forgive.
As I talked with her more about what forgiveness REALLY is, she began to soften and calm down....
and then.... after some more discussion, she said, "Sarah, I 'm sorry!"  She went over and hugged her and asked her to forgive her! This is a BIG HUGE HONKIN" DEAL!
Sarah  sleepily forgave.... and Alli needed a banana and a drink of water.... LOL
BUT .... she moved on, and realized she could forgive and be believed at the same time.
I told her that she needed her OWN blankets. She seemed happy about that. So from now on, there will be separate blankets of those two sweeties. :)
So GLAD ALLI chose to forgive. :)
So GLAD Sarah chose to be humble..... :)
Those are my girls!

Hinds Feet on High Places

For our bedtime devotional, we have started "Hinds Feet on High Places."  I read this to the girls and grand girls a few summers ago, and they loved it.  I decided since it has been a while and Alli is new; all the girlies could benefit from hearing this beloved Allegory once again.

I really like this version, as it is greatly illustrated and has some other devotional aspects to it.

 The girls were happy to listen to the first chapter tonight.  I am so thankful for such sweet, tender hearted girls. :)

I think this book is a WONDERFUL read, especially for a child who is struggling with fear, or a child who has an outward handicap.  What a beautiful illustration of our relationship with the Good Shepherd.

Anna and Guess

I really love this picture of Anna. :)  She is so thrilled to have a dog.  She has been working with Guess especially and he is like putty in her hands. :)  She was so proud to just look at him and see him sit for a treat. :) 
She has also been walking Guess and Stetson in the goat yard getting them ready for animals. Guess has been really great with the animals .....Stetson wants to chase them still, so he will be a little more work.

We also need them to get used to the dogs next door. We have a chain link fence between our properties, and the dog next door is feeling that his territory is being invaded..... :)  So he was barking and growling....  I hope they can make good friends and that they get used to each other.
I'm sure that will happen. He seems to be a pretty nice dog, but is used to having that fence all to himself.
Ahhh more life changes. :)

Mighty To Save!

And The Doctor Says.....

Miss Alli is Healthy! :) Horray!

I somehow already knew that. :)  She has been eating healthy, drinking lots of fluids, and sleeping well. :)
Somehow, when the Dr. says, "You're healthy, it just makes a mom feel better. :)

Finally Painting the Hotel For Dogs!

They were so excited to start painting! We really needed our rollers but they are all at the other house. Oh well, they'll have fun getting all "Painty". :)

I really like this Picture of Alli and Sarah. They have been two peas in a pod all day long, playing happily, studying together, roller skating through the house, dancing... and now Painting!

Anna has had a wonderful time walking dogs. We had a big laugh when I was looking for paint brushes and screamed when the cat food bag moved.  Anna said, "Is it a mouse?"  I said NO! It is a Big RAT!  It was actually  Cloud Paw eating his way to heaven! :)  Silly Cat.

So, where is Erika? She is enjoying listening to music in the room and getting her shower ALONE! :)

She is so grown up!  She is transforming to a teen right before our eyes! 

It was a GREAT day!

How Do You Know You're In A BCLC Home?

Even the Blue and the Gray can hold hands and smile. :)

Dog Fun

The girls are getting used to the dogs.  Everybody LOVES to walk Stetson because he is so easy. :)

Guess is a little more active.... He is a VERY good dog and is so smart. He LOVES to sit for his treats.
He is learning to walk on a leash instead of drag his owner. :)

The "Self Control" Tool

Alli and Guess early in the A.M.

We have had such a great almost month!  One of the first things we did at the hotel pool was to have a talk about our "tool box".... The tool box is used to store tools to help us with our emotions.

One of the tools we put in our tool box at the hotel was "Self Control".  I explained to Alli that how we feel at any given moment isn't right or wrong, it is what we DO with how we feel.  There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated.... all of us feel frustrated sometimes, it is what we DO when we are frustrated.
Teaching our children to give their frustration to the Lord is so important.  He is the bearer of our burdens and does such a great job bearing our burdens when we let Him! But when we try to take things into our own hands, and bear them ourselves, that is when we get muddled in our thinking and things don't go so well....
Alli and I discussed this a few times before we came home, and I prepared her that she would need to be ready to use her tool box.
Well, the night before last, we started to build a dog house for the dogs.  Daddy is actually building more like a caddilac dog hotel! It is REALLY cool. I'll take a picture when it is finished. :)
Alli had it in her mind that we were going to paint it right away.  We explained that we cannot paint it until it is finished.
She began to hyper focus on the painting and wasn't enjoying the building and then.... she got frustrated... "What are we going to do if we don't paint it! Where are the dogs going to sleep if it isn't finished! and so on".....
We realized that she was starting to get upset, it was suggested that she use her tools.... "Open your tool box quick! Which tool should you use?"   :)
She quickly said, "My self control tool?"  YES! That is right!
So we took some deep breaths and   stayed in rhyhm with each other.... after about 10 breaths, she was calm, and then we talked about what was going to happen with the dog house and the painting. She was able to express her disappointment about not painting right then, but understood why and accepted it and even helped....
These are HUGE strides for a little one with such a trauma background. :)  We are celebrating each success!

Limb Loss Awareness Month

Many belonging to Amputee Coalition of America asked our governors to Make April Limb Loss Awareness Month... and Rick Perry, of Texas came through! Yea Governor Perry!  I received this very special document in the mail yesterday, hand signed by the Governor. :) Whoo Hoo!

I thought that was pretty cool!

Exercise Before Bedtime

Pics of Joe Becca Sam and Truman

 Joe, Becca and Truman at Pei Wei

Sam learning how to use Chop Sticks

Having a good discussion with Joe. :)

Truman and Ya Ya

When we went to get Alli, I had the honor of meeting my grandson Truman for the first time!  He was AWESOME, as was Sam. :)

So here are me and Truman.....Love that little guy! Thanks Joe and Becca for coming to visit! :)

Clomping Around

Two little girls have been clomping around the house all morning...... They are apparently "decision challenged", so they picked one of each shoe. LOL

Ahhh The Start of a Great Day!

We started school on time with happy attitudes! YEA!

It is amazing what a good night's sleep will do. :)  I am not quite done with the new school room, but 3 of them are in there working away.

Anna is working on math.

 Sarah is working on an Art History project.

Alli is working on Math

Erika is working on math.....

I tweaked a little of Erika's math so that she doesn't feel so overwhelmed.....and she is a happy camper. :)

Everybody is anticipating going to pick up Stetson and Guess..... this afternoon.
Alli said this a.m..... "I loved helping daddy with the dog house, I can't wait to paint it!"  Alli is very "hands on" and likes lots of tangible activity.  Painting the dog house will be a delight for her.

She and Anna and Sarah  designed what they wanted the dog house to look like on paper, and Daddy added a few neat touches, including a place to store food! :)

A GOOD LONG DAY!!!

Well, today was a Loooonnnggg Monday! :)
We started out with the weepies, and we ended with the last one standing..... down with the weepies. LOL
Everybody really did have a good day.... They did school work, worked on the new dog house with Daddy, played with the goats, rode bikes, did some chores, but there was this..... sorta.....feel that something wasn't right.
I started to feel a little sick tonight. Actually a LOT sick tonight. My skin feels all crawly.... and I have a slight fever. Mike had it last week. Thanks dear.  I'm not sure now if my own perception is off.....

Now, tonight, our sweetie who wishes to not be named..... just looked sad.  I was really worried as she is always so joyful.... as I inquired she said, "I don't want to say what is wrong."  That REALLY made me worry.... so we played this sorta guessing game.....
I was guessing all about her security, and she rolled her eyes, "No mom".....
And then, I asked, "Is it school?"   BWAAAAAHHHHAAAAAHAAAAA!
SCHOOL???? LOL
I thought it was something MUCH worse like insecurity or jealousy.... no, it was School.....
I asked, "what could be so wrong with school?"  "Math, I'm behind."  "Ummm actually you are AHEAD! You finished your math book early and started on a new one last week, what are you talking about you are behind!" 
She was being way too hard on herself.  Golly, our entire lives have changed, been turned upside down.... 1/2 a lesson behind what was planned is really no biggie!  But I'm glad she told me. :)

We finally got to the grocery store and got everything put away, girlies are in bed an hour late, but that is better than 2 hours late, and hopefully tomorrow we can concentrate on school...AND, tomorrow evening we pick up Stetson and Guess. :)
Ahhh, nothing like being dragged through life..... :)

Sense and Sensibility

It has been one of those mornings....Think... "Sense and Sensibility" where there are tears for relatively no reason at all...... The English ladies  succumb like dominoes in this one particular scene that I have always found rather humorous.  That about describes my morning.
But I am Emma Thompson, sitting on the couch, sipping my tea... in actuality, coffee.  :)

Oh the dreadfulness of learning new math, of correcting a paper, of having to go to the doctor..... of sharing daddy, of not being allowed to drink a coke at lunch.....as if that were a new, unknown thing....LOL

Yep, life is sinking in, and we are working at finding our new norm.... We'll get there, slow and steady and HOPEFULLY this is the last week of doctor appts. for a WHILE!  (Thursday somebody has another one)

Love those little girls. :)

Dr. Today

Today Anna is headed to the Doctor..... While I was gone, she doesn't know what she did, but her hand hurt a little. At first, because she described a burning sensation we thought she got into stinging nettles. Our friend's daughter got into stinging nettles at the same time so it was "assumed".....There was no visible trauma to her hand and she didn't fall etc.

But over the last week, she says it feels fine and then it hurts a little. I have been giving her Traumeel, and she seems to go all day with no pain, and then at night, it starts to "sting a little".....

So, since it has been almost 2 weeks with slight improvement, great improvement and then back to square one, we are headed to the doctor..... The strange thing is, there is nothing visible like swelling.
She doesn't want to go to the doctor, but this has gone on long enough for mom to be worrying.

HMMMM..... I can't figure this one out.