Long Term Life Lessons vs. Short Term Control

I have been pondering the idea of long term life lessons, verses short term, external control for many years. 
I was raised in a short term control type of environment.  Maybe it was more like a long term control environment, lol.... but the control was simply "external".    As long as we "looked" like we were behaving, as long as we didn't embarrass anybody, and as long as we didn't step out of line.... our hides were saved.   It had nothing to do with what was going on in our hearts.  And believe me, there was A LOT going on, and it wasn't good.
Sin natures are alive and well in all of us, parents and children alike.... But if we as parents only look at something our child is doing externally and then squash the evidence, we never get to the heart. In fact, many times we squash the heart in the process and cause spiritual and emotional damage to our children.

It isn't easy being a parent. It is HARD.  Mike and I were talking about this subject the other day.  As we were talking, he brought up some Men in Scripture that God called Righeous.  
Job:  As a father, Job interceded and made sacrifice for his children.
Joseph:  Joseph sought to put Mary away secretly, lest her shame be exposed of being pregnant before marriage.....  God said he was Righteous.
And then, there is our Heavenly Father:  who is patient and kind not wishing for anybody to perish. 2 Peter 3:9 and He is tender, telling the disciples to let the children come to him, for such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Jesus patiently called His disciples "children" throughout his ministry and carefully taught them what He wanted them to know.  He was patient with them. He was kind with them. 
When Peter said, "NO!" He didn't get mad at him and chastise him. He simply spoke to him "Truth".

That lesson of truth that stuck with Peter, after the cock crowed 3 times, was a life lesson He was allowed to live.  He wasn't prevented it.

I think as parents, sometimes we forget that some of the best lessons our children can learn, are "life lessons".  They are lessons they learn from living, with our gentle guidance along with that teaching moment.  We are there, just as our heavely Father is there, with our arms opened wide to catch our little ones, offering them comfort and wisdom.
However, if we teach them to be afraid of us, or to hide from us, because of our own sinful harshness, that lesson may never be learned, or worse yet,  they may harbor resentments in their lives because they have been too externally controlled.

I can think of many examples in our own lives where we have done things very wrong, and also done things right.
But one of the benefits that can come from doing things wrong, is it can be made into a right, by acknowledging our wrong doing to the child we feel we didn't listen to, or brushed off, or treated too rashly.... and relationship can be restored.  Where forgiveness lives and reigns, it is a two way street!
We forgive and our children learn to fogive us of our own failures too! :)

Parenting for long term goals is not an easy task.  Sometimes it brings us under harsh criticism of others, especially if we don't think the same. 
I can give an example of my famous Joe. (Sorry Joe to always pick on you, but you are so interesting!) :)

When Joseph was 2 and 3, he was a miniature terrorist. LOL  No, really, I don't think I have ever met another child yet, who was as intense as my sweet Joe.  And I do mean SWEET!  He was such a complicated little guy.  He was rash and brash... he had a loud booming voice, and a horridly short temper.  He was also tenderhearted to  the extreme.  It took me a while to realize this.  It was through the help of my sweet mother in law that we figured him out.... we would both just sit back in awe and study him. LOL 
If I were to tell him no-no.... he would flip, literally go ballistic.  So, if I were to say "MOMMY SAID NO-NO~! to counter the ballistic, it went to out right RAGE!  It wasn't rational.  There were those who told us, "you better get control of that kid or he's going to ......" (fill in the blank)

It wasn't that we weren't in "control" of him. He was OUT of control!  I didn't permit him to be disrespectful.... he WAS.  I didn't say, "come over here and hit mommy". He just did!  And, he kicked gramma!  I'm talking OUT OF CONTROL.....

I was scared. Really scared.  And where do we go when we are scared? To the Lord.  I began to study and study, because the direction I was headed, I didn't like.  I didn't like that all of the books I was reading were saying, if they don't listen the first time, spank and then spank again, and then again and again and again and again and again..... and then.... well, you get the picture.   
I actually thought to myself.... good heavens if I followed what was in this stupid book, he'd die before he gave in...... and frankly, I think there are those out there who actually follow those books.

Instead, as I began to seek the Lord in prayer and scripture, I was drawn to Proverbs:  "A SOFT answer turns away wrath.... Was I giving a soft answer?  
I also started listening to myself. I was impatient with him.   Love is patient and kind. I wasn't being patient or kind. I was being impatient and grouchy.

The Lord gently convicted my heart, and I began a new way of thinking.  And I THREW OUT those stupid books that everybody raved about.

Instead I looked at him LONG TERM.  What is he like? What does he love? What is his "bent"?
I began to work with the positives, and the things we were not ready to deal with, we put aside.
He was NOT ready for Sunday School. He couldn't sit still, and I felt it was a terrible injustice to expect from him something he couldn't succeed in.   SO, I did the unthinkable. I pulled him out of Sunday School.  Oh you should have heard the grumbles.  I didn't care. There were the same people thinking those books were great stuff.

I didn't care anymore. I felt like I was in a place of transition. Either our son was going to learn long term life lessons that would carry him through, or I would settle for short term control to please others, and he would learn nothing and then, when he was older, there would be no more constraining him, and he would go his own way. 

What I found, was a simply delightful  little boy, who thought outside the box, and needed mommy to hold his hand on his journey and help him be brave enough to try new ideas and ways of thinking.

I had to teach him that it wasn't the end of the world if he couldn't figure something out, that it was ok.
He had to learn this manually with lots of extra love and understanding.  Rejection of his frustrations, only made him more frustrated. Understanding his fears, caused him to come to me for comfort. And by me being understanding,  he exposed what was in his heart.
It was no longer hidden.... not like what I hid as a child. 

I hid my anger and frustrations, and they were never allowed to be understood or shown. It took a long time to unravel all of that, and I didn't want that for my own children.

Over time, he learned, and by 4 was able to actually go into Sunday School and sit through a class and be a very obedient little boy.  :) YEA! Success!

Over time, those life lessons proved to be different than with our other boys. He needed to have freedoms to explore certain things that our other boys never were challenged with.   He needed to read books that I would not want him to read, but for HIM they were necessary.  So, we trusted him.  But we knew, because of the relationship established, that he would come to us and talk with us about his hearts quandries and struggles. 
He learned Long term life lessons through relationship, that could never have been accomplished with short term external control.

I am not advocating out of control children. Quite the contrary. What I am saying is that bringing our children under control, is best done by teaching them "self control", not by teaching them fear of retribution.   
Yes, there were times when we had to leave a store and go home, because we needed to let him know that his behavior was not acceptable.  He needed to know what was expected before hand, and he knew he had to comply. There were no questions.   This helped him so very much to understand his boundaries.  It was a long term life lesson.  If I don't obey in a store.... I go home. period. There was no yelling, no spanking, no lecture.  Just a simple, we need to go home because you are not following what we talked about.  (if other kids were with us, yes they were disappointed, but I encouraged them we would go out again soon)

What is funny about that is it happened 1 time for him.  It happened 1 time for Tim, and not at all, that I can recall, for Marc or Chuck.    That is not such a bad record for taking four little boys out often and expecting them to stay with me and not grab things, demand things or cry.  And especially not bad for a little guy who was deemed hyperactive. 

When I started to see my parenting as a long term lifestyle, instead of being a glorified police officer,
I really began to enjoy the precious gifts that God had given me through my children.  Those gifts came with thorns, and pains, and tears, and frustrations, to bring about a precious work in my own heart that brought me closer to my Savior.  I could see that I was all those things that my children were, and my precious Heavenly Father, patiently and gently, prodded me to long term life lessons through his continual guidance. He didn't crush me. He didn't burden me with a heavy load. He CARRIED my load. 
When we help our children carry their loads, their burdens, thier struggles, then release them, and learn those long term life lessons, and eventually, we show them who will continue to carry those burdens for them, and we place their hands into the hands of the one who will hold them forever.

Holiday Gluten Free Fudge

 Hevel Asked if I  had  a Gluten Free Fudge Recipe:
This is the one I have always made, but just use Gluten Free Chocolate chips or bar chocolate instead of normal and viola!
 Christie's Kitchen Holiday Fudge
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
2/3 cup  Evaporated Milk (the small can)
4  tablespoons butter or margarine
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 small jars, or 1 large jar of marshmallow creme (Kfraft says gluten free on label)
12 oz of semi sweet chocolate

1 TLB vanilla extract

OPTONALS:
1 cup of finely chopped pecans
1/2 cup rasins
1 cup finely shredded coconut
On medium heat, stir butter, milk, marshmallow creme, salt, and bring to a boil.
BOIL 5 FULL minutes. (use a timer from first boil to 5 minute mark, it does matter)
Stirring Constantly
Remove from heat, stir in chocolate.
Stir in Vanilla

then stir in any extras.....
or plain is good too. :)

Spread mixture immediatly into an 8x8 pan and refrigerate  Keep tightly covered after cooling.

I have been making this for 30 years.

IMPROVED Black Bean Chocolate Cake

I have been tweaking this recipe and came up with a really good one.  This is much better than the one I posted here

Gluten Free Black Bean Chocolate Cake  
3/4 cup black beans, soaked overnight, then cooked till very tender and drained well.
3 eggs
1/4 cup plus 1 TLB canola oil
1 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 TLB vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of baking powder
1/2 cup EnerG Rice Mix (a mixture of rice flour and sweet rice flour) (available in a box)
 (1/2 cup chopped walnuts and 1/2 cup miniature chocolate chips) optional!

Mix black beans and oil, adding 1 egg at a time until beans are mixed VERY well.
You can use a food processor if you have one to mix beans and oil and turn into a paste.

Add Vanilla
Stir well

Add all dry ingredients and mix WELL.
Add optional ingredients last and stir

Spray  a bundt pan with non stick spray and spread batter into pan

Cook at 350º preheated oven until done..... around 35 minutes or until tester comes out clean.


This one turned out REALLY good. My husband's employee is a rather picky eater and he liked it.
Then we told him what was in it, and he finished it! LOL


Now I need to come up with a glaze....

Ya-Ya The Wood Splitter

We are having a lot of fun with this wood splitter.... :)

The Big Omlette Surprise

The other day we pulled THIS out of the Chicken coop.  I am still thinking ouch thoughts for whatever dear layed it. :

So here is what was inside! It was a double yoker! I thought it could have been triple considering its size!

I scrambled it up and cooked it in a jiffy!

And Here is the Happy fellow who gets the prize! 

BTW- still loving using my new pretty dishes instead of paper plates. :)
Somebody really needs to get that guy some different clothes! OR we just need to take his pictures on Sundays. :)

Wonderful News of the Miraculous Kind

Our Son and Daughter In Law Tim and Emily, have been married for over 8 years. They have wanted a family for a long time, and the blessing of two little boys became a reality in June. Our sweet little grand sons Joseph and Christopher are amazing.

Well, God has seen fit to bless Joseph and Christopher with a baby brother or sister! :)

And Tim and Em will be parents once again!  We are so excited for all of them!
We give God all the Praise and Glory!  Thank You Lord for Answered Prayer.

I love it how the brothers are so sweet to each other! :)

Mike and the Giant Egg

He has claimed it for his breakfast on Monday! :)

The Hen's are doing MUCH better since we had a little "stew pot" talk with them. :)

Refrigerator Humor

Anna thought the "Smart Balance" doing it's balancing act in the fridge was quite poetic! :)

Black Bean Chocolate Cake

Yes, we made chocolate cake today with the main ingredient being BLACK BEANS!

It turned out pretty good!  I am still tweaking with the recipe, and think I need to add a little extra of a few things...... But here is a picture!



It was very moist, and tasty.

Our little taste tester approved too!

Here is the recipe:  But don't use THIS recipe, I tweaked it and made it better HERE!!
Black Bean Chocolate Cake
3/4 cup dried black beans... soaked overnight and then cooked till very soft.
Mix very well in mixer with 5 tlb of oil until a paste forms

1 cup of sugar
1/2 cup rice mix flour from EnerG
(any bean flour or sweet rice flour will do)
1 tsp vanilla
1 /2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp of baking powder
pinch of salt
1/2 unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
chocolate chips to taste (optional)
grated unsweetened coconut (optional)
3 large eggs
1/2 tsp cream of tarter
Put all dry ingredients in bowl and stir
Put all wet ingredients in bowl and mix until paste forms
Mix wet ingredients into dry ingredients well

Preheat oven to 350º
Spray a bundt pan with non stick spray, or 8x8 square baking pan.
Spread in pan evenly and then top with chocolate chips (optional)
Bake for about 35 minutes or until tester comes out clean.

I'm still tweaking it..... I think it needs a little more salt (maybe 1/2 tsp)
I hate the texture of xantham gum or guar gum, so can't use.
But I'm thinking possibly arrow root and another 1/4 cup of sugar.
I'll try it again using melted chocolate squares too.

She Can Knit and Now She Cuts Hair!

Ok, I have to admit, I was a tad worried....

 I  mean, Look where she was holding those scissors!!!!

Other than a bath with my hair cut, I think she did a great job!
 I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hair cut today! :)

Splitting Wood With Daddy

Who says a girl can't split wood if she has Arthrogryposis? :)  Erika and Daddy enjoyed splitting wood together this afternoon. They made one HUGE pile of wood! WHOO HOO!

Homeschooling Kids With Learning Disabilities

We have been homeschooling our kids since 1992.  We got into this whole life style thing because our boys were in need of a more tailored educational approach.  They just couldn't quite fit into the cookie cutter education available in the public school system.

So, when our son, Tim, who had significant special needs both physically and educationally came home to school, he was 11 years old, and couldn't do simple math, or really read.  His progress was also hampered by seizure activity which would cause him to forget everything he ever learned in life from anywhere between a few hours or up to 3 or 4 days.  (He is the guy in the blue shirt :) )

We sort of learned by default, if he woke up and couldn't remember anything, that was the morning to do art!  Usually by afternoon or the next day, the ole' brain would start to function again, and he would be right back on track.  Yes, MY REACTIONS to HIS Brain Damage, made a HUGE difference!

So we went from,  me nearly weeping and saying, "What do you MEAN you forgot how to add 3 plus 5!"  To "Ahh, don't worry about it, let's go for a drive and draw in our nature book".
It is funny how you learn these things from just being a parent and nobody tells you about it. If they had told me, we wouldn't have wasted so much precious time!

I learned the same way about putting on his shoes.  Because he had increased muscle tone from the CP, if we were in a "hurry", I could NEVER seem to get his shoes on his feet.  Why? Because he was feeling my tension trying to rush, and it made him tense up.  If I put his shoes on during a relaxed time, they went right on.  So I learned by my own failures of not being on time how to get shoes on a kid with CP really easy! :)

Sooo, here we are all these years later, deep in the trenches of home education, and I am still learning.
But this time I am learning how to teach girls. How to teach girls with learning disabilities because of trauma, or because of exposure to drugs and alcohol.  Some of the issues are the very same ones with the boys, and some are not.
New territory is being covered when it comes to alcohol exposure and learning.  And then of course there is the MOTIVATION issue and trying to discern, is this laziness, lack of motivation or a real issue of inability because of a lack of understanding?
It is most likely ALL OF THE ABOVE!

So, this a.m. we had a family meeting, after I was grading a paper that could not have been more wrong than it was.  Now I KNOW that I KNOW this particular little girl did not forget her parts of speech. We have been studying them for YEARS, yet every answer on her labeled sentence was not only wrong, but sloppily written.
I called the FAMILY meeting, because I want all of them to know that we must do our best.

And this is the gist of what I said.
Some of us have a harder time than others with learning and remembering.  I understand.
BUT.... all that means is that you MUST try all the harder, motivate yourself to do it, and really, really DO it!  I don't know if my talk helped yet. It is too soon to say... but I do know that it must be very frustrating to always seem to be the last one, to seem behind, when in fact, you are really way ahead of the game, if you are MOTIVATED to do it right.  Even if you have to go slow, and even if you don't get it the first time.... the old "try, try again!" Really, REALLY does work.
If you are  Slow and steady and you finish the race,  by finishing, YOU WIN.

I know our son Tim, who is now a high school teacher gives that message every day in his Special Ed classses.  "You just have to work harder and try harder than everybody else, because it is what YOU have to do! And if you Do it! It pays off in the end...."Look at me, I'm here teaching high school!"

Thanks Tim, I needed to hear that today and so did some girlies I know. :)

I Don't Know About You

 But we have been riveted to live stream video on our computer of the Chile Mine Rescue.... It is amazing how each minor coming to the surface is so very different in his response, and how each family reunion is unique. I have not grown tired of watching even one man.  Of course the 1st guy up was AMAZING, and the 2nd guy up was HILARIOUS, Yelling in the Tunnel Chile! Chile! Chile! Whoo Hoo! LOL
These are pictures of Miner 28's rescue.

There was the man with the small bible who knelt on the ground and thanked God. I don't know what number he was.... but it doesn't matter.  They are all coming out and we are so very excited for All of Chile and these families and these Men....

On the backs of the miner's shirts is written:

"Because in His hand are the depths of the earth, and the heights of the mountains are His"  ( Psalm 95:4 )

..."To Him is the honor and the glory."

Thank you Lord for safe delivery of these men.
Psalm 139:7-12

Adoption and Disruption Thoughts I Can't Express Part 2

 Yesterday I wrote part one.

I was talking with my dear friend last night. They have just begun the process to adopt through a disruption.  Both of our hearts are hurting for this family and for this sweet boy.  And yes, he is a sweet boy.
I don't think any family goes to all the trouble to adopt a child with the intent of disruption.  I have never met one.  I have met families in a lot of pain, with a lot of confusion, but I have not met a family yet, that intended harm. There are families that get lost, overwhelmed, and wind up doing things they never thought possible.... thus is the state of human nature.

With that said, I am NOT sorry that our Sarah is with us. I am NOT sorry that many children have come from other families and are now happy in their new families.  There is nothing for them where they have come from, with the situation the way it is today.  Our girls were doomed to lives in institutions with no chance of escape.

So, I can honestly say I can see the providence of God in bringing the children home. In fact, had we not adopted  Sarah, we would have NEVER known about Erika.  She wouldn't have even been on our Radar.   But when a child has a NAME and a STORY, as ALL ORPHANS DO, we could not abandon her. We could not leave her there. We KNEW she belonged with us. And we knew that they belonged together!

God brings families together, however He so chooses.  That does NOT however, take away personal responsibility when we commit to be a family.
It does not mean that all is right and good and we can pat ourselves on the back to say we did a good thing if the unthinkable occurrs.   It is pain, plain and simple.

But, there is forgiveness. There is life past the pain.

My favorite quote from a very silly movie, "The Princess Bride",  "Life is Pain, anybody who tells you different in selling something!" LOL  But I believe it is true.
However, our pain is not the pain of one without hope, but of one with a hope and a promise!
I don't pretend to know all that God wills in this life, other than that He wills for us to serve Him.
I Do know that. He wills for us to serve Him in all we say and do.  And I'm not very good at that.

Sometimes I say too much, and don't DO enough.

Also,  many times what seems like a tragedy, turns into a triumph...What Satan intended for Evil, God intends for Good!  And our ways are not God's ways.  He is Sovereign !He sees things very different than we do.

And what HE does, is VERY GOOD!

Adoption and Disruption Thoughts I Can't Express Part 1

This post has been wearing on my heart.... for awhile. I have written, deleted, written again, waited until midnight when I could really concentrate, and then tried it again.   So here goes another post on Adoption and Adoption Disruption/Disolution.....
Please bear with me.
And for my dear friend, who has struggled for years with 2 children who are no longer at home.... I love you. I want you to know FOR SURE, this post is not about a parent who has to protect themselves from a child with severe mental illness.  Many biological parents are in the same boat.
You have NOT disrupted your children. You are still their parent.  :)

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that we adopted our sweet Sarah, from Adoption Disruption/disolution.

So we are the happy beneficiaries of our sweet, sweet Sarah.  She has been home since she was almost 6 years old.  She is now 11.

I recently posted an article by Russell Moore, because I find it to be a good article.
But I remember, about 2 years ago, the Southern Baptist Convention announced an emphasis on Adoption.....    On one hand, I say, that is good. On the other hand, I say that isn't good.

There are many reasons people adopt.  And yes, it is true that Scripture calls for people of Faith to CARE for the Orphan and Widow.  (James 1:27.  But, just like you would prepare to care for anything, in your life, PREPARATION is needed.

One of my favorite lines in the movie "Martian Child", was that of a girl who said, "Most people study more about how to raise tomato plants than they do children."  And, that is not too far off.

When we were adopting Anna, we mentioned that we would be taking parenting classes from the Local Child Advocacy Center. You would have been shocked at the response. "Why, you have already raised 4 boys!"  "Do they think you don't know what you are doing?"   "That is stupid!" and I could go on, but I'll spare you. ....
And the most famous comment we got, "You can't adopt! Don't you know you can't spank!"  LOL
I found that one the most disturbing. Golly, I hadn't even thought about finishing the paperwork and this person already had us spanking our child.....
And there were many statements along those lines which made me wonder, what kind of person bases their decision on if they can spank or not? LOL

So, once again we began to delve into the adoption world in preparation for our daughter.  We studied "Heart Felt Discipline" by Clay Clarkson (which is not about adoption) With Anna, I hadn't come across any real adoption books I knew about, so our classes sufficed, along with the book, "A Child Called It!"
There was enough information to help us see where our sweetie was coming from emotionally, and with my own personal background experiences, we were on our way to becoming a family.
When our Social worker said we would LOVE Bryan Post and Heather Forbes, we studied books by them, "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, Beyond Consequences Logic and Control 2.

After Sarah and Before Erika, we added to our collection, Karyn Purvis, "The Connected Child", "Primal Wound", (which was VERY interesting) many blogs, and Daniel Hughes Books , "Building The Bonds of Attachment in the Deeply Wounded Child", "Facilitating Developmental Attachment",
and then, we were reading Bruce Perry's book, "The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog"....
Along with all that reading we read our Bible.

All of these books are good books. They all offer bits and pieces of information that may help to put pieces together as you study your child and get to know them and learn HOW to love them.

However, No child is a one size fits all child, and there is not one, "One size fits all" book, outside of scripture.
I  know many, wonderful parents who have worked very hard, to learn to parent their child according to that child's needs.
But in all the book reading and preparation, there is nothing like the real deal to let you know what kind of sin exists in your own heart, how much change YOU need to make for yourself, and  just how many issues you have put on the back burner to not deal with, and now all the pots are overflowing. :)

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, nor is parenting.   Put the two together, and get ready for a ride! :)
But, what a ride is CAN BE!  Our experiences have moved toward the positive. But our family is not perfect. No family is.
I was listening to a sermon yesterday on Moses and that he didn't enter the promised land because of his disobedience to God.... wow.... He was not a perfect man, but I know I have a long ways to go before I ever resemble a Moses.  Yet God, has brought these children into our lives to lead and guide into adulthood, and into the Hands of the Lord.
If we were to guage our children based upon their first 6 months home, I'm not really sure what I'd say, other than, maybe, we are moving in the right direction. :)  The work was hard, and took place minute by minute, hour by hour, meal by meal, day by day, step by step..... it was continual and full!

And then, each little girl began to branch out, blossom and grow in different areas at different times, but going in the right direction non the less.  It took some  a little longer to get to a "norm" for us than others, but those 3 steps forward 2 steps back and sometimes what seemed like 4 steps back, would always keep us on our toes, trusting the Lord to guide us, and remind us of how HE sees US!

Can you tell I'm having a hard time expressing this?
So here I get to the disruption part.

Many people will look at blogs and families and think everything was easy to get to where they are.
That couldn't be further from the truth.  Parenting ANY child is hard, HARD work.
Some families will wind up going into adoption,  because the "church" has called for it, or because they are bored, or because they don't have children, or because they are truly called. (these are actual words spoken)
They go through all the work to bring their children home, and then..... it gets hard. They haven't taken the time to try something different. They say "this is how I did it with the others, or this is how my parents raised me,  and this kid will have to fit into OUR lifestyle", they don't read those "psychology" books.... and they don't seek out help.
And then, behind closed doors, there is abuse, emotional neglect, and worse.... and then in desperation they dissolve or disrupt.    I used to think it wasn't that common. Sarah was the first time I had ever heard of such a thing.  And we still can't imagine the why with our Sarah.  But she has experienced the devastation of being twice rejected. (first at birth, and then after adoption)
Yes, she is happy. Yes she is very much our Daughter, Yes, she has her own personal pain that she will have to deal with the rest of her life.  That is reality. It doesn't consume her, and it isn't the end of her world... but she is STRONG. She is SO STRONG.  I don't know that I could be as strong as she is.

Maybe it IS true that adoption isn't for everybody; parenting isn't for everybody.  But caring for the orphan is.  What about supporting those families that are trying to adopt?  What about getting involved in their fund raisers, or donating to funds to get children home?  How about not judging families who bring children home and those children struggle with behaviors that are not normal?  How about not judging the children!  (we have had that one recently) How about praying for families who bring children home?  Prayer is a powerful tool. Pray that God will give these families wisdom and discernment in raising their children.

I don't  know that there is any way to prevent a disruption from happening, if the parent isn't willing to try thinking outside the box, but in many other cases, where parents are simply struggling, we need to be open and have helpful hearts.  We need to be willing to come alongside and hold the hands of those who are despairing.  There IS success, GREAT success, when we reach out, and especially when those in need reach out for help.  Peer help is available.  Keep reading blogs, attend the BCLC parenting classes on line. Watch Karyn Purvis's videos online.  GET HELP.   It is available, and it is worth it.

Please don't suffer in silence. Reach out, and keep your family together.  But remember, change will come with YOU.

Today IS

Today IS:   10-10-10!

I can't say that again for a thousand years, so I figured I'd say it today. :)

What Is That Smell?

I was sitting in the crowd of children with this little girl of about 12 while Mike was talking to them up front. I didn't feel worthy to take such treasures, but she insisted.  And now, I am glad that I accepted her precious gift.

 I have decided that if I hang it, I will remember to pray for her.

SO, I hung it.... For her.

She is soon going to age out of the orphanage.  What will happen to her?

She is precious.

I woke up off and on last night, thinking about those who are suffering.  We live such a life of pleasantries, with family, friends and neighbors.  We can be very comfortable in our own little worlds.

But then, there are those smells, that wake us and remind us of what reality is for many orphans across the globe, including right here in the good ole' US of A!

I remember during our waiting period for Erika, while we were in relative peace with the process, leaving it in the hands of the Lord, which is where it belonged,and was anyway, there were nights I layed awake wondering if she had fallen that day. I wondered if she longed to be loved and held. I wondered if her feelings had been hurt that day, and there was nobody to tell her she was valuable as a person and beautiful inside and out.

We sent a package that never arrived. She didn't get the doll we sent, or the art supplies we mailed.
She didn't get our pictures. So, she was just there, waiting, to go to the mental institution.
Her life was over before it had even begun.

She had never been outside of her places of meager, monotonous  existence, except for an occasional trip to the hospital, where she was locked within those walls too.
She never really saw the beauty of the country in which she was born.... but she smelled the smells.... they are the same smells that haunt me to this day.

I remember that was the first thing I noticed. It isn't the same as walking into a hospital or a nursing home. Those places have distinct smells too.
To put my finger on it, it is the smell of old food,  urine, old clothes, heavily scented laundry soap, windows closed for too long, and the smell of tears and despair.

When we returned to the girl's orphanage 3 years ago, the first thing that came to me was that "smell"... I was nauseous and had to compose myself.  

I think all the smells together remind me of desperation.   I woke last night with that smell in my dream.  I was dreaming of a little one lying down on a tear stained pillow all alone.  I don't know who he was.... Maybe he was one to represent all orphans, boys and girls, who lay their heads down, and have nobody to sing them to sleep or rock them and look into their eyes and say, "I love you." "You are here for a purpose."

Our friend Steve, wrote this yesterday. His words were touching to me. Because many times people do say, "how can a loving God be loving when there are so many without homes?"
He is right.... God has given us instruction in what to do, and as believer's we don't do it.  We look at the walls and say they are too high. We look at the sea and say it can't part, and we look at the child and say, "What if?"  "What if there is something wrong with them?" "What if they are wild?" "What if they have FAS?"  What if?

God doesn't say for us to only do things that are easy for us.  When He took the chidlren of Israel through the desert it wasn't easy for them. Yet, God fed them, provided for their each and every need, including parting the Red Sea when the time came and knocking down walls!
We had more Walls knocked down for us than we could have ever imagined, and it seemed we were definitely just riding a HUGE GOD Wave.... :)

I do not want to forget that smell. I am thankful when it wakes me, so that I can pray for that little one who is suffering.
Erika was comforted many times while she lay, alone.  She remembers less and less,  and for that I am thankful, but we documented all she said when things were more fresh in her mind.
She remembered laying in her bed and being comforted by what she described as "The Lord". She does not know how she learned to pray, only that she prayed.
Our prayers are not for naught.
God chooses to work through the prayers of His people.

He also calls us to action.  Why do we in America have these giants houses, filled with furniture and extra rooms, but don't fill them with people to sleep on those beds, or read those books?
Why do we have pantries filled with more food than a few people can eat, but we don't bring somebody into our home to help us eat the food God has blessed us with?

Each and every child has a name, a story, a life lived and to live.  You can make a difference just by obeying God's calling to care for the orphan.

(the picture was from the Girl's orphanage, on our trip 3 years ago)
Igor, in the blue shirt, has Cerebral Palsy. He reminded me so much of my Tim.
The little boy sitting with the care worker was such a sweet child. He remembered Erika and Sarah.
He sat quietly with me and looked through our photo album and the tears quietly flowed.  I do not know why he was there, but he was such a sweet little boy.  He has moved to an Internat since then...
I wonder about him often.  :(

Here is the artwork from the girl who has no name, the one I had my arm around. The one I loved for just a day, but who has never left my heart. :(

Could This POSSIBLY Be Gluten Free???

Yes! And I'm planning to eat it as soon as it comes out of the oven! :)

A New Sort of Hug

Sarah and Erika up EARLY, making the family coffee. :)
I feel loved!

Haunted

Kristina

One of the things that happens when you adopt a child from an orphanage, is you are haunted by the things you see.  Forever imprinted in your mind, are the children left behind. You leave with one child, knowing there are countless others left behind to rot. Literally rot.

Words cannot describe the feeling. You leave, and your heart hurts. Your entire body aches for the ones left behind.  You will never forget the smells. You will never forget the sights, the desperation of a little one reaching out to you saying.... love me... Please love me too. :(

You ache, because, if you could, you would pack away most of the ones you meet and bring them home with you, if it were at all possible. It isn't. 

But why isn't it?  If nobody wants them.... why NOT????
Why do they have to suffer so? Why ?

Babies rocking back and forth in cribs, neglected of a mother's touch.
Overworked orphanage workers, tired.....

Parents willing to love.....
Nobody can seem to connect in the strange world of International Adoption.

When we do, it is like the Red Sea Parting..... it is always a God thing. :)

Our children are not refuse. They are not throwaways.
They are angels. THEY are special.

We ache, we hurt, for those left beind.  But we are not millionaires.
We are not even thousandaires. :)
We are not special.
We are not angels.
We are just parents.