Beyond Consequences Logic and Control: Parenting According To Emotional Age

(This was me and Sarah when she was 6.  I just love this picture )

Over several years, I have been asked on and off what BCLC looks like in our home. I have blogged about it, in several posts, but today I wanted to address emotional age, because I think it is PARAMOUNT in understanding BCLC.
(Beyond Consequences Logic and Control)
Many times I get questions about children who will not obey, are diagnosed RAD or have been diagnosed ODD, PDD, ADHD, PTSD, etc.  All those are labels given under an umbrella of behaviors that lead to diagnosis.  But none of them really offer underlying CAUSE or deal with what is BENEATH the behavior.  BCLC addresses CAUSES NOT symptoms.  If you can get to the ROOT of a behavior, you can "weed it out". If you just keep cutting the top, it will come back again and again.  I prefer to deal with ROOTS and though it is HARD, I bet it is what all parents WANT! They want to help their children HEAL.

I decided to address a few broad issues that have happened in our own home and how we have dealt with them. I don't think we have handled them perfectly, or that we are perfect parents, but we ARE parents who want to do our best before the Lord and represent HIM to our children.  So here goes: Hang on for the ride. :) 

If your child is 10 years old in body, yet 2 years old emotionally... how do you handle things like not staying at the table for dinner, or not cleaning his room?
You may need to have your child sit right by you at dinner and treat him/her much younger.  This is gonna sound weird, but a few times we actually fed one of our girls like a toddler.  If she didn't NEED it, she would have refused it. But she did.  We had one of our girls sit on our laps and fed her when she was about 7.  This seemed to help her stay calm. She had a lot of food issues when she was first home. The issue of not eating really stopped quickly.  Another way that helped during dinner was  giving her comfort foods from her country and allowing her to help prepare meals. 

Each of our girls helps in kitchen once a month for a week. This includes all kitchen duties, and the privilege of helping mom cook. :)  
In light of that, when Miss Alli came home, she was 11 years old.  However, she was really about 18 months emotionally. 

My expectations of her doing kitchen were greatly diminished. I had to teach her how, and guide her attitude so she didn't get overwhelmed.  Singing, playing games, pretending all helped her cope with the ultimate chore. We didn't REMOVE the chore, we just adjusted our expectations. 

Here is an example of how things were 10 months ago!

 With our Alli, my gentle assistance made her angry.  I assisted her anyway.  I remember an instance in filling the dishwasher where she was slamming dishes and I let her know that it was not ok to take her frustration out on the pretty dishes.  She did it again and again, and as she loaded them in , I took them out until she FINALLY realized, this was not going to end until the dishes were put in the dishwasher with a kind attitude. It took a couple of trips to the rocking chair and a talk or two, some deep breaths, getting our tools out (MINE INCLUDED) and about an HOUR.... and FINALLY, she did it correctly. I felt like I was reliving a Helen Keller scene with BCLC overtones! LOL

BCLC does NOT mean allowing a child to lead everything. 
TODAY.... just 11 months later, Miss Alli handles the kitchen by herself! She does a GOOD JOB, including the floors!  I can trust she knows how to do each thing and she is really proud of herself.

This is another part of BCLC that some may not understand. When you parent a child towards their EMOTIONAL AGE, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY WILL REMAIN THERE. The idea is that once you recognize and fill in the holes of emotional neglect, the child is then able to move on.  
To me, it is like helping a child fill in the holes of a bad math education. If they are in Pre-Algebra, but do not yet understand fractions, decimals and times tables,

BEFORE they can master Pre Algebra, they have to go back and master the basics. 
If you keep them struggling through the Pre Alegbra, they will ALWAYS struggle. If you go BACK and master the easy stuff, they will QUICKLY move ahead and MASTER Pre-Algebra! Does that make sense?

How have we handled hitting, disrespect or hurting our animals?

 We have handled this the same way we would with a baby or toddler. 
"You may not hit" or "We don't hurt the chicken!"...." We do not talk to each other that way!"  We NEVER EVER leave a child alone with an animal or another child unless we know they can be trusted. In the case of Miss Alli, we moved all 4 girls into the same room, so our older girls could keep an eye out for her behaviors. We also left our bedroom doors open which were right across from each other for the first 6 months.  That way we were doubly aware and nobody was singled out.
When Anna was first home, she had so much underlying anger she would shake. I saw her with the chickens and she would hover over them and shake. If I had left her alone with a chicken, I have no doubt she would have tried to hurt it.  I had to manually teach her how to show the chickens proper affection.  Within a year, she was able to dress the ROOSTER and have him lay on his back in her doll carriage to everybody's disbelief! :)  She became Anna the Chicken Whisperer and is still known by that name by our neighbors. :)
I would reassure a child while correcting behaviors, "I love you too much to let you hit."
If this invokes a tantrum, that is ok. Our children need to learn to accept correction and understand they are NOT the only ones who need it.  After waiting for them to get calm, we can  then deal with the issue at hand.  If it takes an hour or four hours, it doesn't matter.  This is something EACH FAMILY has to go through, and because of that, I would get every family member on the same TEAM!

 During a time of calm instruction, always make sure your child knows they are NOT the only ones who have ever been snotty, hit a dog or hit a sibling.  This keeps them from feeling so overwhelmed with being "different", or from being overwhelmed with "shame".  
 

Preparing them for transitions:

Many of our little ones don't handle transitions well. When our kids are two or three , it is important to prepare them for leaving the park, or going to bed, so they aren't surprised with change. Some of our older children are about that age emotionally, so we have to do much the same thing for a while. :)

If they are 2 or 3 in emotion, they may need very, very simple commands for a chore.  Overwhelm is typically the reason a person will not do something!  Ask my husband; I'm supposed to be doing the data entry so we can complete taxes. LOL

Instead I would prepare them for what they are  supposed to do and make SURE they understand.  "In 15 minutes we are going to make your bed."  "In 5 minutes it will be time to put away your toys."  When the timer goes off, (timers are great because they do not involve you directly)  we are going to come to the table for dinner." 
MOST of the time, this solves transition problems. Many times, they are having trouble transitioning, not necessarily refusing a request.  

 Refusing A Request
If a child flat our refuses to do a chore or follow an instruction,  I would never wait to intervene as in, wait for a mood to change. I may wait for a moment and take a deep breath. But waiting on a child's mood to change puts the child in the driver's seat, and that can make them feel very insecure and also reinforce their possible view that they do not need us or that we do not care. 

 If cleaning their room, they many need simple instructions one at a time. "I need you to take this bag and fill it with the trash from your bedroom".  "Now, I need you to pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry."  "Can you please put your shoes in the closet?" "Can you help mommy make your bed?"  Simple, short and sweet, gets a job done.  (I need to remember this for my overwhelming office job) :)

 Making things right!
I would instantly intervene in any hitting or snottiness towards another person.  "WE DO NOT HIT!" "It is not ok to speak disrespectfully to another person". This was one of our girl's biggest struggle.  She was a little shocked when it was directly addressed the very first time it happened, and each time after that.  At first it was a tantrum invoking, tree climbing  thing, but she soon realized that life didn't move on until this was dealt with, in gentle kindness.  It is an extreme rarity now. I would say non existent, but the minute I hit the post button, that would be over. LOL

HOWEVER, we didn't deal with just the behavior, but inquired about the underlying cause.  (Usually fear of rejection and insecurity)  "What's going on sweetie? You seem really upset? You are speaking harshly!"  Sitting in the rocking chair, or near the tree, or by the bed, or wherever she would wind up was interesting. On the bed, blankets would be pulled over her head. So we talk through the blanket. After a few minutes, a gentle rub on the back, and then, permission to enter her world.... "May I see you?"  And then, a hand.... and a grip from her that signals, I want you to snuggle.  Then, a tender talk...about the underlying issue...and how to rectify the hurt feelings of another.   And if her feelings were hurt, rectifying that too.  THAT is what I mean by dealing with it.  Not harsh correction or punishment.  But ROOTING out the problem.

There is no punishment you can give for a child feeling hurt or insecure. You deal with the insecurity and the problem disappears.

I think sometimes BCLC can be confusing. Some think that a child's words to you can be snotty and harsh. I know in BCI live, some of those instances happen in the skits.  I do not believe Heather is saying that it is ok for kids to yell at parents because they don't have the right cereal.  
Her message is, the cereal isn't the issue. Obviously! Getting to the root of the issue; a child being scared about a test, or a child who was formerly starved, or past pain, gets the child calm, and THEN you can deal with the actual behaviors.  If all you addressed were the disrespect, that is the mowing over the weed and forgetting the root.  To root out, you need to dig deeper, address the pain first and THEN come up with new ways to express frustration or fear.

 What about Apologies?

This is the tricky part. 

I have always insisted on an apology. Usually they come naturally, as we are all apologizers. :) We have had one of our girls say, "Well I'm not sorry!"  I have told her, it doesn't matter. It is the right thing to do. So we worded it, as, "It was wrong to hit you, or be snotty to you,  will you forgive me!"  
That takes the "lie" out of it. LOL  AND we ALWAYS deal with the Spiritual along with correction.  We pray. We talk faith, and what God's laws are and how we NEED a SAVIOR, mama and daddy too. None of us do what is right,all the time,  we ALL sin. We need to pray that God will HELP us to be sorry if we are not.
This usually causes our hypervigilant children to relax as they know they are not the only ones, even if they are the only ones at that moment. :) 

Parenting hurt children is a wild ride!  We parents..... get to go along for the ride; but it is much better if we take the driver's seat and slow the car down, making sure everybody stays safe. :)

Of course all circumstances are not the same.  If a child is significantly older, and you can easily be overpowered, it may be that some tweaking is needed.   A 12 year old may do best calming themselves with you near them, IN their room.   They may need 20 minutes and then you can sit next to each other and attempt to snuggle.  A calming understanding voice makes all the difference in the world.  I have seen my girls hearts melt when my voice gives them the understanding and reassurance they so need.  Just saying, "It's gonna be ok!" has an amazing effect.

I am a rather tall person, so holding a 12 year old isn't that hard.

But if you are 5'1", it may be a lot harder.   If a child NEEDS to be rocked, or snuggled, do what you can to find that comfortable position, so it can happen. 

A word about EYE CONTACT:

We do not force it.  Of course, many want to say if a child doesn't make eye contact they are not attached or are unattached. I don't think this is true. I think sometimes they are too ashamed.  To force it, is too harsh.  We do encourage eye contact, but not in the height of the moment.  When we are talking many times it is at the END of our conversation that eye contact is established.  And for one of our little girls, (Our Sarah),  she just gets too nervous during a serious talk. Eye contact makes her have nervous laughter.  She HATES it when that happens, so we wait for her to be relaxed.  It works very well.

About Miss Alli:

I have truly been amazed how quickly she has grown. Our one year anniversary is coming up fast and she is really looking forward to it. I have much to share that will be reserved for our one year celebration post.  She is a brave, amazing little girl! :) And HEALING TRULY HAPPENS! We are living it! :)

Don't EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, give up! Never, EVER, EVER! EVER. :)

                                                                   ever.

Parenting AHEAD

                               (Both of my angels were adopted because of disruption)

I posted earlier about Children not being adults here.  I wanted to follow up with a few thoughts on Parental Leadership.
Our children, especially our children who have come home at older ages, have no understanding of leadership, or their need for parents.  Yes, they all want them, but they really do not know what they are. I love the Wendy description  of what a mother is:

For the child who has never had that tender hand, the whisper that bids you goodnight, the very thing they desire, can really frighten them.

Our children need our true leadership, through tender and gentle words of wisdom.  Do we catch ourselves instead yelling in the other room, "NO MORE TALKING! I MEAN IT!"   I did that once and one of the girls said back, "Anybody got a peanut?"  LOL... 
I was not taking leadership on that night. Instead, I was being lazy. 

Leadership does not mean being a boss hog.  It does not mean putting down an authoritarian dictatorship type rule, it means leading by example, and parenting AHEAD of the children so they can follow, NOT following behind, and complaining loudly the whole way as you can clean up the destruction from the path they made.

Tenderly guiding BEFORE the fact leads to SUCCESS!  "Before we do our kitchen chore, I want you to know what is expected. " Stick TO THAT expectation!  Don't make it too far out of reach, as in a goal they cannot keep, like I want the kitchen spick and span in 30 minutes and they are 5 years old.
Start with simple....
"I need you to fill this bag with all the kitchen trash!"  THEN. "Can you gather the silverware and put it in the sink for me?"  THANK YOU!  If you see them shrink back, then, tenderly helping... "Here, let me help you with that." If they are not ready, take them to the rocking chair and soothe them, then talk about what you are going to do when they are calm, and then try again. We had to do this with Anna and Alli many times.  And sing a song while you do it; it calms little nerves. :)

 And DO NOT GIVE UP until you are successful!
 I do believe thinking back on it, the first time Miss Alli had kitchen duty, it took several trips to the rocking chair, several times of me having to show her how to load the dishwasher and several little fits on her part before she finally listened. It seemed like  hours! But, she succeeded and it didn't happen again after that. 
She learned that mama was consistent and that she was safe.  When we finished, I praised her efforts and then we rocked.  During that calm rocking time I discipled her.  I let her know how much time she wasted by all that stalling and whining and melt down time, and how sad it was that now she didn't have the time she needed to play....(this is a natural consequence) I made sure she understood that I understood that she was new at this, but reassured her she would do MUCH better next time, and she needed to trust mama.  She agreed.  She also apologized and I forgave her. (This is not done in a condemning or critical tone, but a soft engaging tone of love)

When you go into the store, engage them in helping putting the cans in the cart. Get them to help you find the right products from your list if they are older. Or even organize the basket by food groups.  The next time, engage them in helping pick out the cereal of choice, giving them a voice, but make the behavior requirements the same.  Double engagement really helps to distract.  If you keep them busy, they forget about disobeying.  Stay 3 steps ahead.    If you see them headed for meltdown, divert, leave! This way, you are not reacting, but  be fully prepared to handle the hurt. When you get into the car, PRAISE THEIR EFFORTS ANYWAY (the ones they made) and tell them they DESERVE to be praised.You can talk about the meltdown later.
Parenting AHEAD, will help keep you from full blown issues both at home and out in public.

 ( For those of you with children who will recoil at praise, or will reject it and try to prove they don't deserve it,  Praise them ANYWAY!  PLAN ON FALLOUT.. and be prepared for the rocking chair.) 

It won't be long before it is normal to behave properly with little setbacks.   When those setbacks occur. DO NOT fall back on lazy parenting styles of warning, accusation, anger, parental tantrums etc.   ( the very things we accuse them of) LOL

  Reassure your child that they can be successful next time.This will make your child feel SECURE. 
They will know that you are not wavering in their dissarray, but you are the rock they need to depend upon. There is nothing more scary than a parent who is out of control.
But staying even keeled and tenderly leading them will help them begin to see that you have faith that THEY CAN HEAL, and that you are proud of their efforts, no matter how tiny the step.  Our hurt children NEED TO KNOW that we have even a smidge of FAITH IN THEM, so they can learn to trust us. If they think we view them as hopelessly flawed, hopelessly hurt and that they just need to be fixed, this will do nothing but cause them self doubt, shame and continual grief.

Speaking TRUTH into our kids is parenting ahead.   "I know you are kind" instead of "you are mean", "I know you are honest" instead of you are a liar, "I know you are respectful" instead of you are disrespectful, even if you have to say, "Deep down in your heart, I KNOW this to be true!" or "Inside you there is an HONEST girl just waiting to come out!" These are words of truth and HOPE, and just like in the orphanages, where all the kids long and HOPE for a mother and father; they can cling to the HOPE that someday they will be whole and honest and loving and kind and respectful and  secure.
Parenting Ahead, GIVES them that hope.  And it gives US that hope too. :)

Children are NOT Little Adults

 

(Anna at 5)

I have had this on my heart. I have been rewriting and rewriting.... mostly because it is hard to put some things into words. Mike has helped me a bit on this too. (Thank you dear)  These words may not be popular...and they may annoy some. My hope is that they will encourage you.

Children are NOT little Adults. They do not think like adults.  They do not reason like adults. And many times, I think WE adults, interpret their behaviors and actions, as if we were dealing with other adults.
Children do not fully comprehend the ramifications of the things they say or do at any given time. They just DON'T think that far ahead! 
Children live life in the moment.  Some are more spontaneous than others, and may do things that surprise us, or cause us personal pain. 

  Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things....

If a child is having difficult behaviors, it is important to know that they are not doing this against US.  And many times, they honestly do not know the WHY of their behavior. It just is.
If we look at everything through the lens  of them trying to control us or get at us then how in the WORLD will healing take place? ESPECIALLY if they pick up on our  own underlying feelings of anger and suppressed rage?.
I was listening to Eric Guy, who travels with Heather Forbes and participates in her advanced Training, as well as having his own training camps.  In one of his videos, he talked about  a child who can pick up on a parents emotional state.  He was sooooo RIGHT....
If a parent  is controlling themselves on the Outside, but inside burning with concealed anger and rage, the child picks up on this very easily. And thus, the cycle continues. They will react to the parents underlying anger.

I remember 2 of our boys climbing on the school roof as children.  When I found out, it was during prayer time, when one of them thanked the Lord that they made it up and back down safely!  LOL
It never dawned upon me that my boys were anything but curious.  I wonder, had they been adopted, would their actions have been determined to be manipulative? Surely they knew better! During the childhoods of my sons, we had our variety pack of issues to deal with, as all parents do.... but if they had been adopted, would their parents have seen their behaviors differently? Would they have interpreted everything through the lens of manipulation?

I distinctly remember my oldest son trying to pull a fast one during nap time.  "Mama, THANK YOU for taking good care of me. You are a good mama!"  I said, why thank you sweetie!  He then said, "Can I get up now?"  My answer was, "No.... since I am such a good mama, I need to make sure you get your rest!"
BUSTED....He was definitely trying to pull one over on mom.... but I didn't see it as a deep seeded problem with eternal ramifications.  I saw it as a little boy who didn't want a nap, and was trying to get out of it.
Honestly, I never gave it a second thought. I don't think he did either. :)  The only thing I really thought was that he was a rather clever fellow at 5.  Had he been adopted, would somebody have seen his antics of some sort of conscienceless act of evil?

When our 3rd son had a really hard time with potty training, I never thought once that he was trying to control me.  But oh, there were those who thought so. They couldn't have been MORE WRONG! I am SO GLAD I DID NOT LISTEN TO THEM!  It could have been disastrous, and caused him and our relationship permanent harm.
 When one of our daughters peed her bed and then changed into clean clothes and hid her wet ones,  it was NOT her trying to control me. But OH there were those who thought she was!   And you know what?  EVEN IF SHE WAS, she couldn't, because my only reaction was, "Oh so sorry you peed, let's get a bath, so you can smell all pretty again."  And with the clothing? "We don't want stinky clothes, can you help me take these to the laundry?" The peeing stopped after several months. The hiding was not manipulation, it was shame.
Did it stop because she matured more?  Or did it stop because she didn't get a rise out of me?  Some would say the latter. I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE the first choice. She matured in her security and love and realized she had no need for shame anymore.

I remember as a child, about 8 or 9 years old, things were difficult.   I began to wet at school during about a 2 week period.  There it was, suddenly upon me! I couldn't catch it at all. And I was humiliated!  My teacher, never scolded me. Unfortunately, I had to remain in wet clothing all day.  I am soooo GLAD they did not call my home. Had they asked me, I would not have understood what to say.  You know why? I was a CHILD reacting to stress.  I understand NOW, exactly what was going on.  But back then, as a child, all I knew was that I couldn't get to the bathroom.  What if somebody decided that I was trying to be controlling or manipulative or trying to get attention?  It would have been devastating.  It has taken all these years for me to even be able to share this... and here I am sharing in bloggy world. :/

The word manipulation has such a negative connotation. It is associated with no conscience, or a person who is sociopathic.    These things cannot be concluded about children who have not fully developed in personality; especially hurt children.  I would argue they have never had opportunity to develop. Many of them continue to live with basic survival skills, not family life  skills, and it is sad that they are labeled before they even begin to heal, and then that label colors everything they do. Every SINGLE thing!  They are judged. They can't do right if they tried, because it would be deemed "manipulation".  If they say they are sorry... manipulation.  If they are kind... manipulation.  If they don't know the answer, manipulation. If they are nice to others, manipulation.  If they are quiet... manipulation.... How frustrating!

Our kids who have come to us after trauma, are  hurt, and we cannot "hurry them along" for our own convenience and schedule.  Just because we think they should be farther along in healing than they are, does not give us permission to accuse them of manipulation.
When we come to Christ, and are new baby believers, He does not bludgeon us with our sin all at once!
We are forgiven and clean, but oh those habits that stay! Slowly and carefully, the Holy Spirit works on our hearts and we begin to blossom and grow spiritually.  Changes take place gently and over time, and sometimes the Lord reveals things to us years later..... that it is time to change something new.  If we were to see ourselves and our true natures all at once, the burden would crush us. 
Sometimes, I think that is what we try to do to our children, with the best of intentions. But we crush them.
 
I remember when Anna was first home, it took years for some of her old behaviors to go away. YEARS.  And that was with doing BCLC the whole time.  Today, 8 years later, she is a happy, healthy teenager.
 I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.....
Kids KNOW fake!
I BELIEVE IN "LOVE IS A CHOICE, A VERB, AN ACTION", And THAT can make a HUGE difference.   Choosing to LOVE somebody unconditionally is VERY REAL.



I know that one time, I was hurt by something one of the girls did. I did not say anything , as I knew it wasn't against ME, but at the same time, I was upset, and  I held back.  I was silent.  Oh BOY!  Did this child ever pick up on that. She KNEW I was upset and it knocked her off kilter. She instantly began to act out as soon as she knew that I was not fully in tune with her. 
WHY?  Because she could not handle the thought of possibly not being loved. She could not handle that I might be angry with her.  She could not handle the thought of rejection.  Even though I had not rejected her, or that I wasn't really angry with her, or that I stopped loving her.... my hurt, spoke volumes that were interpreted through a wounded spirit. It was too much for her little fragile heart to handle. I immediately admitted to her how I felt and we had a talk...I asked her forgiveness, and she asked mine,  and then, between the two of us, things were MUCH better.

PARENTS! There is NO ROOM for SELF, or taking offense, when it comes to our children.  God did NOT hold back on Us!  While Christ was DYING on the Cross, He said to the Father, "Forgive them for they know not what they do!"

Yes, we are not God, we are HUMAN... BUT we have Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, to depend upon when we fail.  He gives us strength and guidance and Unconditional Love to walk the path , walk the walk and help our children to heal.

I am in NO WAY suggesting that we just tolerate unacceptable behaviors. Disciplining (discipleing) our children to obey, be respectful, and live a happy and healthy life is our responsibility as parents.    We can unconditionally love our children, and also let them know their behaviors are wrong. Timing is EVERYTHING.   Talking to them about ways to succeed and not accusing them of manipulation, thereby putting them on the defense, is so very important in being successful. 
It is so important not to assume the worst, but hope the best. 

And it is SO important to remember that our children are CHILDREN and need to be loved and understood as CHILDREN. 
I came across a verse this morning during family devotions. It was in Exodus chapter 34. In verse 6, the Lord passed before Moses and declared, "The Lord, the Lord , a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and ABOUNDING in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and children's children to the thirds and fourth generation.

Yes, our God is merciful and FULL of love and forgiveness.... and we should be the same. :)

Some of our children have come from families where sin has reigned rampant for generations, and our children have suffered the results of that unrepentant sin.  But I am so happy to say, that Jesus Christ is the almighty CHAIN BREAKER.... He is in the business of putting lives back together, healing the broken hearted and setting the sinner free. 
There is scripture in the New Testament that says "It is your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh Lord." 
Our kindness to our children, will lead them to listen and turn from what they are doing in time, breaking the chains of bad habits, and fear, so they can live lives to the fullest.

Sarah's Beginnings

Sarah's KNOWN beginnings came from this very TB Sanitarium.  She was not in this section, but isolated in a room down stairs to spend her days alone in a crib.  We do not know how long she was there. There are no exact records, but it is believed she was there about 3 years.  She didn't make it to the orphanage until she was 4.  Then, she climbed a tree and broke her hip and wound up back in a hospital for awhile.  I can so see Sarah escaping from crib life, to climb trees! LOL

Papa Dima's daughter told us that they went to visit Sarah at the hospital when she had broken her hip and that she was FUMING mad because they tied her to the bed.   Yes, that is my Sarah. :)
I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her, after being confined all those years and then having to go back and get tied in a bed! Poor baby.

I wanted to show the video of the Sanitarium, because MANY children live here for periods of time. They get TB, and then are institutionalized. Some come from orphanages, some go back to homes. Many are abandoned.

Sarah must have caught TB in a hospital or laying room, because she was abandoned at birth.
The darkness of this place was overpowering. It was COLD... it was DARK, the dark you see, was REALLY THAT DARK... the children were precious, and many had no hope. 
I remember a young boy in particular who cried the entire time we were there. He was in total despair. My heart broke for him. 

I am haunted by the things we saw in Ukraine.  I think of the children left behind all the time.  Most of these children are most likely on the street or ready to be turned onto the streets, as this was taken 6 years ago next month.  :(

My Ukrainian Princess

Sarah asked me to do her hair Ukrainian style today. :)  Love that girl!

Valentines Day

We had a fun day getting ready for our friend from church coming over with her daughter.  We had our traditional steak dinner, while the girls had hot dogs, veges and snacks.  They watched "Enchanted".... we all did. LOL  That is such a fun movie.

And then, the traditional mommy daddy dance, turned into a daddy girlie dance.  And OH HOW I COULD KICK MYSELF for not having my camera ready.  I thought somebody else was taking video, and they weren't. :(
But let me tell you.... Miss Alli's first Valentine's Dance with daddy was with her whole heart!  She let herself go and twirled and fell into his arms like a fairy princess. :) It Made me smile!
All the other girls got their turns to dance with daddy too, and then started dancing with each other. LOL After all the candy and fun, it was a late bedtime, and friends went home. What a nice day!

We have completed our cycle for the year of Holidays with our newest Daughter Miss Alli. :)  So PROUD of her! I think she is proud of herself too.
I still can't believe I didn't get a picture! :/

A Valentine's Message to Our Girlies

Dearest Erika, Anna,Sarah and Alli,

Happy Valentine's Day!
From the very moment you were conceived, God had His hand upon your lives. While He knit you in your mothers' wombs, He knew you.  You were fearfully and wonderfully made, each one of you. 
And just, as He did not spare His own son, Jesus Christ, from the hardships in life, He did not spare you, because he saw an eternal fruit, more wonderful than anything man could conceive.

He was with you in your sufferings and he silently guided your lives.  He brought you little blessings all along the way to show you He was with you; a kind word, a gentle touch from a stranger, a presence that you did not understand.

While you rocked in your crib, He comforted you. While you wept for a tender touch, He sent somebody to hold you and give you hope.  While you felt despair, he wept tears with you.

And then, in His perfect timing, He brought you home.  You see, your home, is not plan B or C or D. Your home is  Plan A. No different than your body. Your bodies are not plan B or C or a mistake. I believe this with all my heart.

It was no different with His son.  Jesus dying on the Cross for our sins was NOT plan B.  It was plan A. God in, His infinite wisdom and knowledge prepared before the foundations of the world, to send His son, KNOWING He would be sacrificed on a cruel cross, for you and for me. 

His ways we do not fathom. His ways are ETERNAL. Our lives are but a breath in light of eternity.  And since what we do here matters so very much, in light of eternity, we have not ONE BREATH TO WASTE!

Our lives are precious in His sight.  He takes joy in watching you develop into the young ladies you are meant to be. He takes joy that the orchestration of your lives has come into fruition and that the joyful music is ready to play.

We take joy in being a part of your lives. :)  You are truly our little Valentines, each and every one of you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

 St. Valentine was a real guy.  He was definitely involved in the bringing together of young couples in love. He married them, and was beheaded for his faith, AND for joining couples together against the Emperor's wish.  The emperor wanted SINGLE soldiers.  He did have a friendship with a young blind girl and exchanged letters with her. His last letter was signed to her...."Your Valentine".

A Loving Letter Inspires Valentine’s Day Messages

Before he was killed, Valentine wrote a last note to encourage Julia to stay close to Jesus and to thank her for being his friend. He signed the note: “From your Valentine.” That note inspired people to begin writing their own loving messages to people on Valentine’s Feast Day -- February 14th -- which is celebrated on the same day on which Valentine was martyred.
Valentine was beaten, stoned, and beheaded on February 14, 270. People who remembered his loving service to many young couples began celebrating his life, and he came to be regarded as a saint through whom God had worked to help people in miraculous ways. (from about.com)

The Littles

Erika and Anna often call Sarah and Alli, "The Littles". :)
So here are "The Littles" getting ready to go shopping and to a baby shower. :)

Alli just can't seem to stop growing! :)

Science Project

We finished studying the respiratory system and have been working on a lung project. :)
Here are the Noelles  painting their projects.

 Note to self:  clean art cabinet! ugh

Three finished products....
Of course, Anna added a heart to hers. LOL

CAUGHT!

Anna wasn't feeling well this a.m.  She was snuggling on the couch before school.....
And then I caught somebody....

 doing her chore for her. :)

Thank you Erika. :)

Alli and Daddy Date Night

Well, here they are after they came home. :) 
I love it that Mike takes the girls out one on one each Thursday night.   We started with me taking them out one on one, once a month.... Dad felt like he was missing out, so he decided to set apart Thursday Nights. 
It has been a REAL HIT with the girlies. :)
Tonight, they went to a few stores and to dinner.   I think they had a WONDERFUL time! :)
Sarah and Alli picked out what she would wear, and Erika and Alli picked what daddy would wear. Oh my, this is SO different from boys! :)
I am sooooo PROUD of my Alli. :)

Science and Dancing

We just finished our unit on the respiratory system and I decided to add an assignment.  We made the trachea, lungs, alveoli and bronchi out of clay.  They really had fun doing it.  We bought air dry clay so it won't need to be fired.  We will paint and label them in a few days and then I'll show the final product.

And after class, there was dance.... We bought some beginning instructional dvd's for the girls to dance their little hearts out. :)

She's On A Cleaning Kick!

I love it when somebody gets kitchen duty and takes it to heart!  These chairs have needed cleaning and guess who took joy in her job today???

Yep, My Anna. :)

Stop Picking Your Nose!

Well, that is what I heard as a little girl.  And if you want to be REALLY grossed out, I used to eat my boogers. YIKES!  Ok, I have confessed it! That felt good.

When I was a little girl, that was something I did.  It really bothered me that I did that, and when I was around 10 or 11, I vowed to stop!  It was  a real personal challenge for me. It sounds so silly, but it was true. I was broken hearted when I would fail.  I prayed one day about it and asked the Lord to help me, and I believe he did.  I am happy to say, I am no longer a nose picking booger eater! :)

And why have I told all of bloggy world about this? 
Because yesterday, Miss Alli and I went for a drive to have a talk about this year and all the progress she has made,  along with some changes that NEED to be made.  I wrote a little bit about it a few posts down. 
She really opened up and we had a great time.  So as she was sharing about  her own frustration with herself when she fails,  I decided it was time to come clean. :)
I told my "very shocked" daughter about my past indiscretions as she tried not to snicker....and then I told her....
To Make yourself stop doing something you don't want to do, is just like stopping picking your nose and eating your boogers!  You just stop.

She thought about that for a while, and then we pinky promised.  :)



(I just told the girls, no laughing about this blog post.... Sarah said, what is it about?  Alli said, "picking your nose?  Sarah said, "who"?  Alli, "Mom"... Sarah, "Who's nose did she pick?" LOL

Surgery Scheduled

Erika made the brave decision to have surgery to remove the plates and pins from her hip, and tho have the bone trimmed back on her left stump.  
I am really proud of her.  At first, she just said, "No".... 
Then we talked it over about the ramifications of her decision.  Was she willing to live with pain in her hip, if it could be eliminated?  Did she want to have continuous problems with fittings, if we left the protruding bone on? 

After about a week of thinking about it, weighing the pain, because it IS painful, weighing the long term ramifications, she made the mature decision and opted for surgery.

I know that some do not agree with our decision to include our children in this process and believe we should make those decisions period.  I would like to explain why we Do.

The surgery is not life or death related.  It is more for function.  If she needed emergency heart surgery, that would be a different story, and I do believe she would opt to save her own life.

I used to take care of a woman many years ago, when our boys were little, who was  quadriplegic.  She was in a wheel chair.  It is a long story how we came to meet, but let's just say our first meeting was rather sad.  Her aide left and didn't come back. She was living in an apartment alone, and needed somebody to take her to the bathroom. It had been 24 hours. 
She knocked on my door and said, "this is an odd question, but can you take me to the bathroom?" And then she burst into tears.  
That began a relationship we had for years. :)  I became her aide until a replacement could be found 6 months later, and then I became her aide again for the same reasons.  She lived with me for awhile until we found a permanent solution for her. 

During the time she stayed with me, she told me about the surgeries she endured, and how she felt she didn't have a voice over her own body.  She said everything was decided without her.  And she resented it.  Her wise words to me were, "Don't do that to your kids".  So I didn't.  It really is that simple.

As our son grew up, he had surgery at 5 and surgery at 6.   The surgery he had at 6 was nothing short of a disaster.  He had bilateral femoral osteotomy and aductor releases, to help the scissoring of his legs so he could walk better after the heel cord surgery.  The pain medication was not written into his order.  So, after waking up from surgery, he went 4 hours without any pain meds..... THEN, the wrong dosage was given and he suffered greatly.  I finally went to the director of the hospital in his office, and asked him to please come with me because I was so worried.  Let's just say a few heads rolled and he was given the proper meds.  This was a long time ago, and YES, I do believe care was not taken because our son was handicapped.  I can't imagine how much more it would have effected him, had he had zero say in the process.

We moved to Texas a couple of years later and Tim started going to Scottish Rite.  The thought of surgery made him shiver with fear.  He really did need one more... but we waited.  We let him know that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to.  It was HIS body.  Just giving that small amount of control, empowered him to make the decision a few months later.  Not only was he mentally and emotionally prepared, he went home in record time.  In fact, he only missed 2 days of school.

I believe our children can recover faster when they are included.  I also believe emotional health  and a happy outlook on life, is WAY more important than trying to improve our bodies.  I remember my friend's words, as I listened to her recall the  pain and emotional scars of her memories as a child who was not treated as a person.
Erika's body is never going to be perfect.  She will never move freely on this earth, or have proper use of her legs.  She will not be able to bend.   So the purpose for this surgery is to keep her out of pain in the long run both on her hip and on the stump and to make it easier to fit her for prosthesis.

I want to always strive to treat my children  with the dignity and respect they deserve.  And a good lesson for our girls is that their body is THEIRS.  This lesson has many other applications.

Loving Hands.... Accepting Hands

What kind of messages do we give our children when it comes to our body language.  I just wrote a post below on the finger lesson.   

 Do our hands give the message to our children that they are loved and cherished?  Hands are very important.  We use them often to express ourselves.  We put them on our hips in frustration!

And we use them to say, "You come here right now!"
We use them to accuse! (thank you Sarah for being my guinnea pig) LOL
And sadly, hands are used as striking tools; instruments of doom.
When I was a child, and we were in the store, there were many times when my mother would reach for a can of beans and we would duck!  It made her so mad.... because it was most likely embarrassing. LOL  She would always say, "Why do you do that??"  Ummm... well.... we were trying to avoid the hand!  We were afraid of those hands, somehow, she didn't understand this. :/

I don't want my children to be afraid of my hands. I don't want my hands to be remembered as accusatory hands, but as hands of love, representing our Heavenly Father. 

 I want my hands to be welcoming and dripping with the Love of Christ.

 Both Mike and I  want our hands to be hands of loving acceptance and embrace. We want our hands to be patient hands, kind hands.
Isn't this a much better way?

 

 We want to be the extended hands of Jesus Christ to our children and grand children.  We want them to remember our loving embrace; not duck when we reach for a can of beans. :)

Thank you Anna and Sarah for helping me with this post. :)  (Anna's hands made the heart shape, and she took the pictures.)
"Oh to be His hands extended".

The Finger Lesson

One thing we work really hard on around here is not accusing others.  We try very hard to not "assume" that we know what another person is feeling or thinking. 
I know that personally, I have been accused of things before, by another person I had never met, and it hurt me so badly that they thought they knew me, and they did not. They certainly DID NOT. 
Those lessons are so painful to learn, and I want my girls to learn them EARLY in life.
So this is the picture I give them.

If you look at this hand.... my hand... what do you see?  When we accuse others, or ASSUME we know how they think or what they feel, there is one finger pointed at the person, but there are THREE fingers pointed right back at YOU... the accuser.

This has helped not just ME, but our girls to be very careful with their words.  Words have a way of coming back at you.... and we want to be the kind of people who think and speak the best of others.

This lesson came in very handy yesterday.  It is also a reminder for me.  Don't just speak kindly, THINK kindly.  Don't let your words devour each other.  Let them encompass and embrace each other, supporting each other in love.

Mommy, How Many?

Miss Alli asked at the dinner table tonight, "Mommy, how many good days have I had this year, vs. bad days?
Today was a good day!  Daddy and I looked at each other and thought about it.  We BOTH came to the conclusion that she has had WAY more good days than bad days, and we told her, out of 340 (soon to be 365) days in the year, we have maybe had 60 bad days.  But not even bad all day days.  Just where stuff like the other day happened. 
We both said, "Wow! When you put that in perspective, you have had a really awesome first year!"  She was so proud of herself and declared an even better year to come. :)  Giving her a sense of team work, instead of controlling her is so helpful.

Everybody was at the table and we all re declared our love for her, and she beamed. :)  She had a little food left on her plate and said she was full.  Erika got up from her place and went over to Alli and fed her the rest of her food. :)  I think she liked that. :)  Sometimes they love to play mama and baby.  I don't mind. The food was eaten and not wasted and they had some sister bonding time. :)

Silly girls. :)

Guest Blogging

I was invited over to  Kelly's blog as a guest. :)  He gave me a scenario to write about.  It was fun!
Thanks Kelly.

SOS

My friend Keri needs EMERGENCY HELP.
Anya is in the hospital again and needs immediate medical attention.  She is in Siberia and Keri is here in the U.S.  To top it off, Keri has been unemployed for 4 months and counting. :(
She DESPERATELY needs money to send to Anya.
Can you help?   Please visit Keri's blog and give her a word of encouragement. 
Together we can send Anya our love and care.

The Next Step in Healing

Yesterday was a hard day, but it was a good day too.  Yesterday showed me how far we have come as a family, and how we need to try harder in some areas in order to progress and not stagnate.

This week has been a HUGELY busy week, and it was no surprise that Miss Alli would have some struggles with the change in schedule and the "burning the candles at both ends" type of life...
This means, we had something going on every day and we didn't get into bed until WAY after bedtime, and still had to get up. 
Alli does best on a set schedule she can count on.  It seems to center her to have that stability. Sometimes, circumstances are such that it just can't happen.  This week was one of those weeks.

There are also so many memories associated with this time of year, including birthdays, moves, and more....So yesterday seemed to be the perfect day for a good ole' fashioned  melt down. :(   I felt so badly for her as she used every tactic in the book to try and act like she didn't care.  I know she cares.  This was not my Alli.
This was a child trying to make sense of a life that so far has made no sense.
How do you make sense of tragedy?  You don't.  You accept it, and you move in a direction that will bring hope and healing.  That is all you can do on your own.

But one thing I DO KNOW.... Jesus has been with our Alli, ALL of her life.  I am sure He wept when she wept, and He was with  her in the midst of  her saddest of circumstances. He wept over her rejection and misunderstanding, just as she did. And He understood, because HE too was rejected and despised.
It always amazes me that God chooses to work with the frail, imperfect human.... But He does and His works bring about spiritual growth that is real and permanent.  He has had His hand on Alli's life, through it all.

Alli was unable to communicate in a healthy way, so we waited, and we waited more.  And then I stayed home with her and Mike and the other girls went out to lunch without us.  She was just not prepared to go anywhere.   Once we got to a place where we could communicate from the heart, TOGETHER, we came up with some steps we will be taking to help her. 
She will NOT be able to run outside and climb the tree when she is angry or upset.  She climbs too high and mama needs her to stay inside. Trees are for climbing when we are having fun. 
If she needs to calm herself, and she doesn't want to be in a time in type situation, no trees.
After she has done wrong, she will say "I'm sorry".... and we accept her apology. 
But from now on, we will be asking "What are you sorry for?" This is not done in a mocking tone. This is done very tenderly, to help her understand fully what happened and what not to do again.  She will be specific about what she is sorry for.  If she was rude or disrespectful, she will need to say, "I am sorry for being rude, or disrespectful."
I really think this will help her to identify what she is doing that is not acceptable, and also,  humble her.  

This is not a way to HUMILIATE....There is a big difference between being humbled and humiliated.   Being Humble is a GOOD thing.
This will also help her in confessing her sin in prayer.  She will be able to define it.

She will also be given time to calm herself without talking.  This is different for me.  Normally, because when we were dealing with these issues when our other girls were much younger, we would have what is called a "time in", where you come and sit with mama and get calm, so you don't feel like you are being sent away.  But with Alli being 12, she really NEEDS to be able to go somewhere quiet and calm herself.  I really think this is something I have been doing wrong and have actually CAUSED escalation myself!  It wasn't intentional, her needs are just different now.  She is NOT having attachment issues.  She is attached to us.  She is having more than not, miscommunication
problems that spiral her into a PTSD type moment. 
If I speak very soothing words, AFTER she has calmed, she is fine.  If I speak those SAME words when she is melting down, it is more like gas on a fire. 
SO TIMING, YES TIMING is very, VERY important. :)

Last night, after we had our talk, and things were calmer, we were all able to go to the Super Bowl Party we had planned to attend.  This was our last event of the week.  After everybody left the car, I asked her to remain behind, and we went over what was expected, much like we used to do when she first came home.  She started to cry and said that she was embarrassed because now everybody will know she was not behaving.  (nobody was around they were all in the house)  I reassured her that all was ok, but I needed to let her know if there were any, ANY incidents of snottiness, we would leave immediately.  She said, "Let's just go home now", because she still wasn't fully regulated.
And this is where BCLC took over.
I looked at her and said, "I am FULLY CONFIDENT that you can do it!"  "You have been able to listen, and I KNOW you WANT to obey."  "So let's just do it!" "Hold your head up high and walk in there and have a wonderful time!"
Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of activity can be the very best thing in the world for a child who is stuck in a mode....And my brave girl did just that. :)  We stayed the whole time and she REALLY had a wonderful time.
The family that we visited also has children from Russia, and we know each other well.

We talked about our goals for our new year coming up.  And she was actually engaged and excited to talk about it.  She REALLY does not want to  be stuck with the cycle of behaviors.  She really WANTS to do better and She WANTS us to help her. 
Healing is a PROCESS.. She spent her first 11 years in chaos, as I have written about before.  Just 1/12 of her life has been in a normal family.   (whatever that is.. LOL)
Now is the time pinpoint and focus on overcoming!

Mike and I were talking last night about the difficulties our children face coming from foreign countries and having to learn new languages.  Communication issues coupled with trauma is VERY difficult to overcome, partly because a child who is traumatized has a harder time learning and retaining.... yet they have to learn in order to communicate and be understood.

I think one of the biggest mistakes the adoption community makes is assuming that because a child can speak English, they have mastered it.   I find more often than not, MOST of the issues we deal with are based in communication.   I have said this before and I cannot say it enough.  JUST because your child can speak TEXAN or ARKANSAN or MISSISSIPPIAN, or any other dialect ..... they do not have the depth of language to fully communicate, and MASTERY usually takes on average a "double their age" time.  This means, if Alli arrived in the U.S. at the age of 9 and a half.  She will not have English MASTERY until the age of 19.  Erika, 16.  Sarah came at 5 and we have found that at 12, she does have mastery in English.

This does not mean she will have behavior problems the entire time, it just means that she doesn't have mastery and we need to remember that in communicating with her.  We need to remember to be clear and concise, asking her if she understands what we are saying and to repeat it back in her own words.  This is what we do with Erika, who has no behavior problems.

It is Monday, and I actually had a chance to put into practice our new plan this morning and it worked beautifully!  There was a gentle prod to practice what we talked about yesterday, and everything was resolved within a few minutes.  WOW..... Wish I had done that yesterday. :)

Our new perspective will be: "We can remain angry about the trauma we experienced in the past, or we can focus on the new life we have been blessed to live.  Perspective matters! DON'T WASTE ONE MORE MINUTE!"
This is not to take away from the facts of the past or to not minimize them.  They are huge and real. But so is the life ahead of us.... and it is WAY MORE POWERFUL to choose to live a happy life, than to live your life with both eyes in the rear view mirror.

Friday Night

We had a wonderful evening with friends.  We watched Courageous tonight. It was a really good movie.  Alli was so funny.... She got up and passed kleenix out for everybody. :)
Then, after the movie was over, the girls went out on the porch to play.  The dress up trunk fell down on her arm and gave her a big scrape!
She came in quietly, and was looking for ice for her arm.
I asked her what happened and she said, "Oh, nothing!"
I asked her to let me see, and she did.  She had a scrape on 2 parts of her arm and explained what happened. 
I said, "Mama needs to take care of you."
She said,"Oh mama....Ok..."
And I put peroxide on the scrape and cleaned it off.
Then, Daddy and I kissed her boo boo. :)  She had never heard of a boo boo. LOL
She had also not had anybody kiss a wound. :(
She liked it. :)
Even though she is 12, she still needs us to kiss her boo boos, at least once, because before, nobody did.
I love adopting older kids!
There are SOOO MANY FIRSTS that they will remember. :)

February Funnies

I think I'm just going to add to this one all month and make a new one for each month.....

Alli to Anna- "Hey Anna, let's pretend you're my older sister and we have to study and do chores!!!! :)

Anna- ummm, there's no pretending about it! :)

For Mike's Bday, I gave him 2 dvd's... Courageous and Contagion.
Alli jumped up and down and said, "Can we watch Contagious????" LOL

 I took Sarah out today for a special time.  She is so fun to take out and visit with.  After buying an ice cream cone, she dropped it.....darn.... I think it cost her a dollar for 2 licks. :(  But she was a good sport. On our way home, she said, "Mama, I'm so thankful for this little finger!" I asked her why, and she said, "Because it is the perfect size to clean ears!"LOL

 

Anna- "I will bow down and call you blessed if I don't have to do Lanuage Arts today." Glad I don't need affirmation.

I just told the girls, no laughing about the  blog post.... Sarah said, what is it about?  Alli said, "picking your nose.  Sarah said, "who"?  Alli, "Mom"... Sarah, "Who's nose did she pick?" LOL

It's Alli's turn to go out with Daddy. He called looking for the discount card for a favorite restaurant. I have it. So he said, "Maybe we'll just go to Wendy's then." I heard Alli say, "Let me talk to mommy." She gets on the phone and says, "Mama Help Me! You gotta talk to daddy! I hate Wendys!" ROFL.....I could hear Mike cracking up in the background. I think they went to Taco Bell instead.
Let's just say, she won't be without opinion when she grows up. :) 

When Erika and I went to the hospital, it was the first day of Lent.  I have not had a coke for a long time, and didn't realize it was Ash Wednesday.  When I realized it, I told Erika, "Oh no! I drank coke on Lent!"  She said, "That's ok mama, you have given up your health for Lent!" :) 

Mike and Alli's Birthdays con't.

WHEW! What a fun day.  Alli used her new caligraphy set to write the family a note that she read to us before we watched a movie.  It was adorably sweet. She thanked each person for the gifts they gave her and said how much she loved her birthday. 
That was a huge thing for her to do. :)

Sarah and Alli were dancing, and Sarah hurt her knee... so she had to go without her leg the rest of the night.... :(     Anna started coming down with some sort of cold and wasn't feeling too well.... and Daddy was a GREAT sport getting Gold glitter put into his hair....
He said, "All right, I am a man!" 
Erika said, "No, you aren't a man right now, you are daddy!"  :)
I think that made the gold glitter acceptable somehow. LOL

YIKES!

And here is one very happy and tired little girl, ready to go to bed after a very long birthday! :)