WILL and CHARLIE

Just a few pictures of the grand guys....and Ya-Ya

 This is Will in his space helmet.

 Will took this picture of me. I am a Ya-Ya. :)


This is Charlie in his Fox shirt.   Holding Charlie is like Holding Marcus all over again. I cannot believe how much they look alike! (the bottom picture is Marcus at 4. He is smiling in that picture, but they have the exact same chocolate brown eyes!)

AND THEN.... this is a really special Ya-Ya night....:)  I was given this photo! Isn't it precious!!!
The caption was "Double Cousins make the best friends!"
The boys and Ilse are double cousins because sisters are married to brothers. :)

ALLI AND DADDY

Miss Alli has had a wonderful day.  When we were at the baby shower, Daddy and Alli went out for a special time.  She wanted to talk to him about baptism.  She is ready to be baptized.  Daddy said they had a wonderful talk.  I really like this picture! My sweeties.

ILSE HAD HER SHOWER TONIGHT

ILSE JOY--   Ilse means "Consecrated to God"  Joy means "JOY!"

And Ilse DOES bring us Great Joy.... :)

 

Notice naked baby here:)  BOY oh BOY there is no reason for her to ever be naked again! LOL'

(she was actually naked because she was hot, not from lack of clothing) :)

 Ilse and Auntie Ellen

 Miss Barbara

 Ilse and Auntie Ivy

 Me.... and Carol

 Beautiful flowers!

 Ilse and Auntie Erika

 Emily opening LOADS of gifts.

 There is the outfit Ya-Ya picked out. :)

 She got some shoes too. :)
 What a blessing to be able to go to Ilse's baby shower.... I loved what Ivy had to say about Ilse..... She is fearfully and wonderfully made....God does not make mistakes.
I like to see Ilse as  a precious gift that we will open in time.... surprises will come out one at a time and bring us joy.  (Ilse's middle name)

THESE WERE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS......

Well, I only have a picture of one of them.....  but I have had a few of my favorite things broken over the last few years......  This one was especially hard.... it was my great grandmother's pitcher, passed down to my mom, then to me and it was supposed to go to Anna. 
We used it over the 4th of July when we had company to make Iced tea.  I didn't get it put back into the cabinet where it is stored and today, Erika decided to make iced tea.  She poured boiling water directly into the  pitcher and cracked it terribly. :(

You may not be able to see it very well, but this pitcher can no longer hold iced tea. It is now retired forever.   Alli offered to bury it in the back yard.... but I told her it wouldn't be necessary. LOL

The thing is..... it is just a thing. Yes it has history.  YES she SHOULD have been more careful and Erika, should  have asked first..... but that has never come up before.  I never even thought about making a rule about it...... so it really wasn't her fault. The girlies are getting older and it is no problem for them to make Iced tea.....
SO, this is what REALLY makes me proud and GLAD it happened.....

Erika and Alli came to me and told me exactly what happened. They know that this pitcher is special, and they told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
It was MY turn to show them mercy and grace even though my precious pitcher is no longer useable.

They said they felt badly and asked about the pitcher's history.  I told them I was a little sad, but things are things and are not important like people are.  And then I praised both of them for being honest. I asked if they were ok, if anybody had been cut or hurt by hot water and we shared a hug.  

I really did like my pitcher.  It will have to rest in peace....it had a LONG life and served us well.
Maybe we should bury it. LOL

No. It is just a thing. 

ANNA FROM NEVADA

Anna was born in Nevada. She loves to say she is from the Land of the Wild Mustangs! So when I saw this shirt, I couldn't resist buying it for her! She couldn't resist wearing it, even in 100 degree weather!

Something Is UP with the Pantry!

I am so fickle.  I go vegetarian, then just a simple thing like CAMP can turn me back into a carnivore!  I admit it! I'm a food a holic!  Maybe a Meat A Holic, or a  Sausage A Holic!
So, I'm back to getting back on my Vegetarian track...... I opened the cupboard and found this!

Now that is successful grocery shopping..... I think.... at least it will make a lot of bean burritos. :)

MEETING OUR CHILDREN'S MULTI LEVEL NEEDS

I could not think of a title for this post, so it may change.....:)

I was having a conversation with another adoptive parent regarding emotional ages of our children vs. actual age, or intellectual age.  I also read a few notes on this and felt compelled to blog about it.
Many of us have children who have trauma backgrounds.  There is so much out there in regards to how best to help a child become whole.  There is also much confusing information about different types of attachment therapies.

So, I'll just delve in.

Just because your child may be 18 or 20  months emotionally, yet is 8 years old, or 12 years old,  does not mean you should treat them like an 18 month old all the time, in ALL ways.  YES, it is important to treat the emotional age, right where they are, so they can heal and improve (which happens rapidly)  but that does not mean you would be not allowing them to make a choice for food to eat or what to wear.
An example:
When Alli came home, she was about 18 months in her emotions, 8 in her play and reasoning, (unless upset then she was about 3 in reasoning) and she has very sophisticated taste in other things, and distinct likes for food.
We treat her according to EACH of her needs, and bend with the changes she has like a reed in the wind.
If she is more intellectual, we talk with her at that level, if she resorts to 3, we empathize with her, as if she were REALLY 3, if she needs comfort as a baby would, we comfort her.
This has resulted in 4 months to some really great developments. She is able to express herself well. I haven't seen 18 month behavior in a while.... She is no longer 3 when she is upset..... her play has gone from not knowing how to play, to about what we would see with an 8 year old.  And she is rapidly moving fast in the right direction.
It is NOT an easy task to stay present and know who you are dealing with at any given time. LOL And it can be exhausting.  But the end result is WELL worth it!

Yes, the child who is newly home needs to have limited exposure, and slowly, so they don't get overwhelmed. If they are emotionally infantile,  that does not mean you don't give a choice.  To say that they will just have to TRUST you like a baby would  is a big red flag to me.

You CANNOT FORCE trust! TRUST is EARNED, it is a priveledge.  Our kids are so full of mistrust, that there is no way we can expect trust and to try and force it, especially with what appears to be punitive consequences will not only be counter productive, it will be destructive.
BEFORE attachment (real attachment) can occur, TRUST must be there.  You cannot really attach to somebody you don't trust.
So as parents, WE need to be TRUST WORTHY!  We need to give our children a REASON to trust us.

There is information floating around saying, don't let your kids have any freedoms at all.... this folks is HIGH CONTROL.... (many times what we accuse kids of, is the very thing WE are doing) and it is with HIGH COST and dangerous.
If you have a child who has control issues, or manipulative type behaviors (FEAR BASED) to battle them through high control will only backfire.  Instead, give them small amounts to control.  Ease them into a position of letting you take the reigns in their lives.  They will NOT let go easily, because when they were not in control, things were really scary!  They were hurt, they were neglected, they were abused and abandoned...... So, to be in control is a LIFE SAVING effort on their part.
Just as you would not approach an agitated horse, but you would whisper calmly to them to get them into a different frame of mind, it is the same with our kids....
We need to whisper to them our love, through our gentleness and kindness.  We need to show them and model to them the behaviors we want to see in them.

We have blackberry vines. You can learn a lot from growing a garden and planting and harvesting.There are many analogies  related  to raising children.  We tenderly water, nurture and care for our vines and plants.  We need to flexibly watch our little plants blossom into beautiful fruitful vines.  If we were to prune the vines too soon, they wouldn't survive.  So sometimes, you have to watch a little wild growth here and there and patiently wait before pruning time, so that roots develop that will help the vine connect with the source of life.  For the vine, it is water and soil nutrients.   For our children, it is us. 

Their little hearts will develop deep roots of connection, as they learn to trust us.  And then, we will be able to quench the neediness of our  children as they come to desire more of our love and tender care.

If we try to solve our children's unpleasant behaviors, too quickly, especially those who are newly home... we may quickly find ourselves in a battle as the child will perceive that we are rejecting them.
There is a sort of unwritten code here that is hard to write down.  4 months ago,  I could have NEVER had a conversation with Alli like I did yesterday. She would not have received it and the defense wall would have been built even higher.   Yet, yesterday, it was the right time to do a little pruning. :)

I hope I am being clear in what I am trying to say.  HIGH control is not the answer.

A BIG HUGE HONKIN' BCLC BREAKTHROUGH!

Today, went really great until it was time to change chores.  Miss Alli has kitchen now, which includes cleaning off the dining room table.

This may sound really silly to some, or that it is making a big deal out of nothing.... but it was important.
A little background:

Alli has HUGE issues with not being believed. She was called a liar long ago...and this hurt her deeply. She also, was rejected..... so lying, punishment and rejection are all mixed up in her mind, which triggers a fear reaction if she thinks you even THINK she may have not told the truth.

We typically do not ask our children  if they are lying, because that corners a child and they will deny it.
It is fruitless.  Instead, we simply say, ....  "I see you left your socks on the floor" or "Since you didn't pick up your toys, you need to do it now."   This is a way to not give  any opportunity for a lie.

Most of the time, the issue will be handled gracefully and peacefully, with a positive result. "Item picked up and put away."

But there is another kind of lying that has to be handled head on. That is what happened today.

I feel that Miss Alli has been ready to be challenged a little more..... as she has been home for 4 months now. So, during her turn to clean up the dining area and kitchen area, she was annoyed that Anna's knee brace was on the table.   She asked me, "Where do I put Anna's Stuff?"

I replied, "Anna likes her things put next to her bed and then she'll put them away", but I do not want you to put the leg brace in the room. I want you to put it in the medical box."
I was given the reply, "NO! It is ANNA's and it goes with HER stuff!"
To which I replied, "NO! I want it to be placed in the medical box!"
To which she replied, "WHERE does Anna keep her things!!!!!!"
To Which I replied, "Do you have any of Anna's things to be put away???"
To Which she replied, "This brace!"
To which I replied again: "NO! It goes in the medical box!"
To which she replied "I want to know where to put Anna's things!"
To which I said, No.  You need to do what you have been asked to do.

She stormed off..... I called. She said "I'm not coming!"
So I went and got her......

I told her, "The reason you continue to want to know where Anna's drop off place is, is because you have full intention to put that brace in her things.

She said, "NO I don't!"
Then why do you continue to ask, and refuse to put that brace where it belongs?

She curls up into ball and refuses to answer.
I tell her I do not appreciate her lying to me.

EXPLOSION!!!!!!! ( I knew this would happen, but it needed to)

I told her..... If you cannot admit when you lie, you will not continue to heal in your heart!
YOU MUST ADMIT WHEN YOU HAVE LIED! YOU MUST!

She says, 'You! YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD! YOU ARE THE WOOORRRSSSTTTTTT!!!!!!! YOU!!!!! I'M gonna!!!!!!

You're gonna what?
No answer....

You're gonna hurt me?  (she had her fists formed ready to strike)

I stepped out of the box and calmly said, " I love you".... But if you want to hurt me;  "Go for it.""Just go ahead and do it!"  This worst mother in the entire world LOVES you EVEN though you LIED!

She took a breath and I was holding mine fully expecting impact....... LOL

And then..... she burst into tears and said, "I CAN'T MAMA!" I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH!!!!


And then I held her sobbing little body, exhausted.... and whispered how much I love her.
And then  I dropped another bomb she was now ready to hear.

It is wrong to lie, even a 1/2 lie.  But if you lie, it doesn't change my love for you. I love you greatly.
If you lie, I will not lock you away, I will not hurt you, I will not send you away.... you are here FOREVER!  BUT.... you must not tell lies. It is wrong and hurtful.

HUGE HONKIN' SOBS!  She was now holding on for dear life.
I let her know that when Anna was little, (Anna sheepishly walking away in the background) LOL
That we taught her if she was lying, she could stop by saying, "Mom, I lied, the truth is"..... and then move on..... and Anna learned to do this.  Anna is very honest now.

Miss Alli by now was looking intently and deeply into my eyes hanging on each word.
Her demeanor changed. Her body was no longer tense. She was totally relaxed and mournful.

"I'm SO SORRY MOMMY!"  "I'm SO SORRY!"

It is ok sweetie.  Now, can you tell me that you lied?  If you didn't I will tell you I am greatly sorry.
But I know you did, or I wouldn't have said anything.

"Mommy, I did lie."

Let's pray and ask the Lord to help us....

Alli's Prayer:
"Jesus, I'm sorry I lied. Help  me not to lie. Help me to tell the truth.
Help me not to sin.  Help mommy not to sin too. LOL
And then I prayed......

And then we talked about what a huge break through we had.  We had  a big talk about being respectful....She has been TERRIFIED that somebody would think she didn't tell the truth, even a hint of somebody not believing her would upset her.
It was obvious that she had so much fear tied up into her own version of perfection.... if somebody saw her as lying... they would not love her, they would send her away..... and she was able to go through the experience with me being present, staying in the same place, staying loving, staying constant, and bringing her into a place of safety where she could see the wrong she did, but know she was still safe.

I love these moments when an unpleasant event can be turned into a healing event......

And then, we had some watermelon. :)

ROUTINE AND THE TRAUMATIZED CHILD

Most of us know that ROUTINE can be key in helping a traumatized child remain regulated... Out of the ordinary days, unplanned activities, schedules shuffled, and no specific routine can wreak havoc on their little hearts.  Yet sometimes, especially during the summer months, it cannot be helped.

We can keep a symbolic schedule, but we are not doing school full time, camps come up, the lake is there calling our name, and we have more visitors.

For a child with a trauma background, dysregulation can creep in quickly and without warning, as they feel a loss of control.... Picture a cat in water. :) You may try to get the cat out of the water, they desperately WANT you to, but they may scratch you on the way out.....

Our day was sort of like that the other day.  I think Alli just needed a release. She held it together pretty well when I was at camp with the girls. It was the first time we had not been together. I talked with Daddy, Anna and Alli every night...  but I was gone.
When we got home, the month of no school began and everybody was getting back to normal, minus a schedule.
THEN, we had company over 3 nights in a row!  That is something unusual for us.  So, yesterday was a bit of a "fall apart" day for all of us!
I think we were all a little dysregulated!  Exhaustion set in, I raised my voice when trying to get a room cleaned out and guest bed set up in case we need it for John.  That went over like a lead balloon. :(
We all took a break and everything seemed fine.

Then, last night, it was time for family worship.  Alli is usually excited about it. Today, not so. It is the one thing we DO keep a schedule for. Maybe that confused her, since everything else is off....

She said, "Why are we doing this today?" "What if I DON'T WANT TO!"  When asked her to sit quietly,  she  began to argue.... to have the last word.... to get her point across!   I could see that we needed to step back and not head straight into a storm.
So, instead of sitting in my chair, and instead of asking her to come and sit with me, I went and sat with her.
After we finished singing, Daddy wanted to discuss Sunday's Sermon and explain it a little more.  I played with Alli's fingers and helped her find her place in the scripture and I could feel her body begin to rest... and then, she whispered in my ear...."I'm sorry mommy."  I smiled, and we all relaxed and enjoyed listening to daddy for a few minutes.  At prayer time to volunteered to pray and all was much better.

I don't think she understands why she gets so dysregulated, any more than I understand why I got dysregulated trying to prepare a room..... it just happens sometimes.  And it is wrong.

Our new norm has kicked in full force and I actually have a happy girl this a.m. :)  I think now that she realizes it is summer and some things remain the same, and some things don't, she'll be ok, and won't feel like the cat thrown in the water. :)

I can see where I should have prepared her more for what summer was going to be like. I was so worried about leaving for camp, I did a good job of preparing her for that, and forgot about the rest of the month.
I think she is really going to be able to enjoy the summer..... so far, she has played BARBIES non stop, as well as playing outside.

I guess the next step will be to prepare her for the school year.... LOL

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

We can't adopt every child in the world who needs a home.  But we sure would like to.  Actually, what we would like is that every child HAVE a loving home....

My heart is hurting right now after meeting a young man whom I will call John.  He is 18 years old; but he is very much NOT 18.  The person I met last night, was more like a 13 year old. He is slight in size, has beautiful deep blue eyes, that are deep with thought and blonde hair.... He didn't like his hair cut. LOL He thought we wouldn't like it either.....    He has lived most of his life in an orphanage, after living with abusive, alcoholic parents. 

His development has been stunted by not enough food, not enough love, not enough support.  He came to America with a dream of doing well, but quickly became overwhelmed by the enormity of differences.
He didn't know what he wanted or what to do. 
There were expectations of him that he could not meet. Especially in the manner they were expected.
He cannot handle being yelled at. It makes him shut down, and he cannot learn in that environment.
His command of English is limited.

He is now too old to be adopted, yet he needs a home where he can still be a child.  He is very frightened, yet has hope of a job, an education and working hard to have a family.  I found his answers to be positive. He does not drink, he does not smoke.  Alcohol actually scares him; he has witnessed the effects of alcoholism.  He does not have FAS or FASD.

Right now, he is staying with a family temporarily, and is being a very polite guest. This  host family feels confident that he can be successful, he just isn't ready to be on his own right now.  They speak fluent Russian which has helped greatly. 

We have a bed ready for him, if he needs it.  However, I do not think we are the family. There IS a family out there that can take him and he will flourish. This young man needs so much, and has so much to offer.

I strongly believe that if he goes to high school for a couple of years, and then on to college, he will be successful once he has a better grasp on language and culture.  I so want this for him.

Our girls are begging us to keep him. They have such HUGE hearts. 
He loves children, and works well with them. He has said he would love to have younger siblings.
Honestly, I think he would still be able to bond with a family even though he is 18. He desires to!

Please pray for this young man.  He needs a family NOW.... and one that will commit to him and see him through to success.

Happy Independence Day!

The Star Spangled Banner, courtesy of the Cactus Cuties.....

Sarah and the Zip Line

Sarah climbed up 50 feet to get to the top of the tower and then jumped down the zip line. :)
Way to go~!!!!

While We Were Gone

 While We Were Gone
3 little ones we know of came HOME forever. :)
1 young man has lost his home.....just 9 months after arriving. :( 
Our son graduated with his Masters Degree in Accounting.
 These are the simple things that have touched our lives......

While we were gone, 20 young people's lives were changed
by participating in Camp Out On a Limb.
15 campers created memories to last a life time.
15 parents were energized and encouraged to keep on, keepin' on!

While we were gone
Mike, Anna and Alli bonded together
They went to the movies
They went to breakfast with the pastor

While we were gone
Life went on all around us....
Some for the better, some not so.....

While we were gone......
God was in Control of it all!

Now that we are home.....
He still is!

CAMP 2011

and there was much much more~!!!! We had a great time.
Mike, Anna and Alli did GREAT!

The parents had fun participating in the "Talent Show"