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Thursday, January 5, 2012

THINGS NOT TO SAY!!!!

We had a visit today from a relative.  It is always difficult for me with this particular relative, even though I enjoyed our visit.  Except for one thing!

She had not met Alli yet, and what is the first thing she says?  "Well, if you decide you don't like it here, you can just come home with me!"  UGH!  BIG FAT UGH!!!!!!

I very quickly intervened and said, "But you are here to stay sweetie!"  I then told, very NICELY I might add,  my relative, please don't do that again.  She said, "I was only kidding..."  I think I should have been firmer.

Well, we have had a couple of stellar days, and her "only kidding" had an effect on Alli. It SCARED her.   She didn't say anything at all.  She even said, "I thought she was nice."
And then, I could sense nervousness on her part.
She was starting to get dysregulated.  I could clearly see things were not the same as they had been all day.

"Alli, how did you feel about what X said?"  She instantly said, "Mama, that was scary!"  I got out my mama necklace from under my shirt and said, "You are here to stay. I'm your mama, you are NOT going anywhere! Ok?" 

She was relieved. And  I am so glad to clarify that with her. 

If you are reading this blog and don't think it was a big deal.... please let me assure you it WAS.  To say something like that to a child who has been moved around like Alli is downright STUPID.
It would be like asking an Iraqi war veteran who suffers from PTSD, if they would like to go back, remind them of the combat and then tell them "let's go!  hahahaha.  Not too funny.

To brush it off like it was nothing, without trying to understand, well, that is par for the course. :( Other than that, we had a good visit.

10 comments:

Joy said...

It's a HUGE deal. We have dealt with this exact thing several times.

schnitzelbank said...

UGH that's awful. It's like popping a balloon behind the shell-shocked vet. Maybe you could get Alli a necklace as well, "Daughter," to remind her...

Mike and Christie said...

She has one! :) Mine says mother, her's daughter.

Holly said...

Yikes! Sounds like this relative needs either some duct tape over her mouth, or some educating in why comments like that are inappropriate!

Judging by the fact you said this was her first time meeting Alli, it doesn't sound like she's someone you see frequently, which is probably good!

Ack! I guess some people really don't get it. :(

FaerieMama said...

thank you thankyou thank you for always posting about these "little" moments that mean such "HUGE" trauma to our kids. I try sooo hard ( going on 7 years now) to get people to understand and it falls on deaf ears. I'm being " too dramatic" or I'm "making a big deal out of nothing." It gives me such peace to know at least ONE other person in the world who knows that when someone kids my daughter like that, it HURTS her, and she ( and I) live with the repercussions of one thoughtless remarks for days...
Thank you.

Goosegirl said...

Oh ugh!! It would be a huge deal at our house too. Depending on how Ahnalin was doing, she would either gloat and throw it up in my face and then be awful. Or she would. Be very clingy and terrified. Yeah. Not a cool thing to say. I hope Allie regulated again and relaxed. I hope this is a year of blessing for your family.

Mike and Christie said...

Once we talked and I reminded her of the necklace, she regulated just fine. :) We played a little and last night was her night to go out with daddy. When she came home, she was on cloud nine.

Muddled Muse said...

*HUGS HUGS HUGS* I'm so sorry - My dad told me last night (in dealing with another situation) - "one person's water is another person's gasoline."

I remember being lost in a store once when I was very, very little and I was afraid mom had left me. If such an isolated incident can effect a person in a stable home- I can only imagine how Allie must have felt. *HUGS* for her too!

Mike and Christie said...

Aww, thanks Jean! :)
Your dads words are wise!

We have had to deal with a few incidents like this, but this one totally caught me off guard. I was prepared for her to say something like, "Where'd you get that HUGE SCAR!"
We have dealt with that one before...but this?? UGH

Annie said...

Frankly, I have to worry more about MY saying the wrong thing. I've been pretty lucky with other people - when they've said stupid stuff like this it has been to the two kids who can handle it well.

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