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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Reminder for Me!


THINK TRAUMA!  THINK FEAR!  THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!
there. I feel better. :)

We had a WONDERFUL time visiting family, playing, relaxing and having a carefree schedule.  However, it is all coming to an end, until next time.

Why oh WHY did I not think that it would effect Alli?  She made it through the holidays so well...yet, there was this little under the surface feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  And then....BOOM!
Yep! It was a BOOM, because I-ME- Muwa- wasn't paying attention, and didn't address it properly.
And she fell apart. :(

Sometimes our kids are so fragile, it is like a Humpty-Dumpty situation.  Thankfully all the pieces CAN be put together again.  And they come together quickly, especially when mom has her head on straight.

Last night DURING Family worship, Alli spilled some milk on the coffee table.  The milk wasn't an issue at all.  It was what happened afterwards....
Daddy asked her very nicely to clean it up so it wouldn't get all over. She was embarrassed about the spill, and brought in 1/2 a paper towel sheet to clean it up.  It was not NEAR enough, so he asked her to get more. She complied but was angry.  And then she was spreading it on the surface of the table instead of really letting it absorb.
The more he tried to help, the angrier she got, and then she said something snotty.  I tried to intervene and help her, but it was too late, and at that point she was combative. 


Instead of taking a breath and THINKING.... I walked right into the bee hive, and then I became the bee.  UGH
I tried to make her clean the table with my grouchiness.... it didn't work....
After several minutes,  and me gaining my head, I apologized for losing my temper. Then we went together into my room away from everybody else. 
We were quiet for a few minutes and then I tried to talk with her. She was in full PTSD mode.  I could see FEAR all over her face. It was then I realized, everything is over, and it is anniversary time once again.  She was moved before at this time.  Disruption wreaks such pain and havoc on our children. :(
Even if it is better, than staying where a child was, it doesn't mean that the sting of rejection isn't there.  Logically everybody may know this, but emotionally it really does suck dirt.

Instantly I asked her to listen carefully and look into my eyes.  Are you afraid you are leaving?  She burst into tears. "YES!"  "I'm afraid you don't love me!"
She sobbed for a while and said how sorry she was for how she acted.

So we snuggled and I showed her my mama necklace. "I'm your mama... You are NOT going ANYWHERE!  I do not love you because you are pretty, or because you are funny or smart, even though you are all of those things. I LOVE YOU because I CHOOSE to love you! And that is that!"
I love your fiestiness.... I love your tenderness.  I love you!
That means, I am committed to you and you can plan on getting married and I will be there!

To that she said, "I am not getting married mama!" "Can I just plan on living with you forever?" :)
So there we were looking at each other and I said, "We really need to stop meeting like this!" LOL
After that she went back into the living room and apologized to each of her sisters and her daddy. And I did too. And then we continued our evening..... whew! LOL

I want to work really hard this year on helping HER recognize when those feelings start to come, to be able to let us know so we can address it before it blows up.
I have several ideas on this that I will blog about once I see if they work. :)
I also want to work harder to remember that we have much ahead of us in healing, and I need to be THINKING before I speak. 
And Daddy, well daddy is just the best daddy.  He talked with her once again this a.m. and reassured her of his love for her.

Today was a  FABULOUS DAY!  



5 comments:

FaerieMama said...

Alli reminds me so much of Nastia..soo much. We had a week like this too, and the same issues and same reaction. She even asked EXACTLY what alli did! " Mom, can I just live with you FOREVER?" I wish I could post about our experiences with trauma her at home, but with Nastia so much older now and going to school, I cant. She asked me point blank about a year or so ago to not post anything personal anymore.

But we still go through these same 'dances' all these years later, and I still do exactly what you do...we stop whate we're doing, we go in my room and 'cuddle' as she calls it, and I just do my best to fill her up with love again.

I have to post a photo soon that I found of her first weeks home...she loooks SO much like Alli! I'll try to remember to do that this week:)

Mike and Christie said...

Thank you Keri! You are such an encouragement! :) I think she looks a lot like Nastia too! :)
I would love to see those pictures. :)

Annie said...

It is a relief, frankly, to know that you too FORGET. I often want to kick myself, because I cannot understand how I can ever forget that one of my children needs very different handling.

Goosegirl said...

We had a day just like this yesterday. Oh my. But it is better now. Sigh.

Muddled Muse said...

Allie is such a beautiful young lady. I love her smile.

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