Keeping Up Routines

It is hard to keep up very important routines when things are not so ordinary around here.  Being away from home makes all the routine fall on Daddy's shoulders, except for one thing.

Anna loves it when I wake her in the morning. I always come in, and she always asks for 5 more minutes. :)
So during hospital days, I have woken her by phone. Daddy puts the phone to her ear, and I wake her.

Our new routine will include transfers to a wheel chair, meds, and lots of extra hugs.  All the girls at home are doing really well. 
I think it is POSSIBLE, that Erika and I may have a surprise for them for Friday Night Pizza night. :)
We'll see.......

Thankful

I am sitting here at the hospital, so full of thankfulness tonight.  Mike and the girlies just left. They had a great visit.  Alli is in love with Erika's wheel chair. :)  Anna layed on my feather mattress and hugged it. I think she misses me. :)  Sarah was just happy to be here.  They all greeted Erika and gave her hugs.  She was so happy to see them. 
We feel so loved.  There was a steady stream of visitors from the prosthetics department. :)  And our dear Pastor Justin Wheeler stayed with me for several hours.  We had such a nice time talking about all sorts of things. :)
Most of all, I am so thankful for the prayers today.  We have truly felt them. 

Erika has not peed all day long,  declaring she didn't have to yet...So the nurse came in and said if she didn't produce, she would need to have a catheter..... She asked, "What is that?"  After the description, she peed a gallon on demand. LOL

She has been so funny all day.  She took a movie going down the hall to the surgery floor. She took pictures of her surgeon before they knocked her out. :)  
She needed extra pain meds and asked if she was being too "bossy"..... Um No dear... you are not!

I have a feeling we may be making it home in record time!  I think if she is doing this well tomorrow.... (after getting off of the morphine pump) she may be able to get home by Saturday.  Crossing my fingers!

I am so proud of the girls at home. They did laundry today, folded it and put it away.  They have all done chores and school.  Tomorrow is soccer.... and a friend will pick them up from there.

Thank the Lord for dear friends. :) 

Erika is Sleeping Peacefully

Thank you ALL for praying!  Erika's surgery was a little more than 3 hours. She is now sleeping peacefully with a very nice morphine pump in her hand. (she just woke up when I typed that and said she was having more pain) :/   She is doing AWESOME!  There has been no need for oxygen this time. I am amazed!

I was so happy that our  Teaching Elder, Justin Wheeler came to see us. He stayed with me until Erika was out of surgery and went into recovery and then up to her room for awhile. What a BLESSING!

The plate and pins were removed and we were given them to do with as we wish. Erika saw them and wants to use it as a coat hanger on the back of her door. :) 

My guess is if all keeps going so well, we may just be home by Saturday!

Surgery Time

They are getting ready to take Erika to surgery. She is talking to daddy right now. I love technology. :)  She woke this a.m. and said, "I'm so glad I don't live in the big city. There is too much noise!"  We did hear planes, trains and automobiles all night. :

This a.m. we called home and I was able to wake Anna by phone. We have this wonderful routine you see. At 7:30 every a.m., I sweet talk her awake. :)  I also woke Alli, and she was able to talk to Erika. Erika is talking to Anna right now, giving permission for her to use the guitar. :)

I talked to Sarah too, who already made the morning coffee, and daddy who is doing a great job managing all the little ladies. :) 
Love you all!  Don't forget to fold the laundry! :)
Love Mom

ALL CHECKED IN

Erika and I are all checked in at the hospital, and she is working on her language arts.  Her surgery is tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.  We are so thankful for the wonderful ministry this hospital has been to our family. 
The admitting process is so unique to anywhere I have ever been. 

It starts with seeing the admitting nurse, who then works you trough a series of appts. one at a time.  We saw the surgeons first, then the pharmacist, then the anesthesiologist, then the child life specialist, then the dietician, then the PT and OT.... and finally the charge nurse in your room.

Erika asked if she could take pictures inside the operating room before she goes to sleep and they said, YES!  LOL  So when we visited anestheology, they asked about giving her meds to make her drousy and she said, "No thank you, I have pictures to take and I don't want them to be blurry!". :)   They had a good laugh. 

Things have changed a little since the last time we were here.  There is a much better coffee pot. :)  The menu is all room service whenever you want, whatever you want! You just call when you are hungry. WOW! That is awesome! She can have breakfast all day if she wants, or anything from cod to pizza! 

She already played basketball in the child life room.  She brought the gift Chiara gave to her and plans to start on it tonight.  :)  

One funny thing that happened was the physical therapist came in and was talking about fitting her with a walker or crutches.  Erika had this panicked look on her face.  Ummm.... if I have surgery on both legs and one leg is missing, how will I use crutches??  The PT said, "well, some kids just hop a little".... I don't think she knew Erika's story yet. LOL 
Erika looked at me like "HELP!"..... I was waiting for her to talk, but she was just too shy, so I told the nice lady.... "We will be needing a wheel chair instead for awhile."  I explained that Erika would most likely fall and break something if she were given crutches.   And she quickly called in OT.  LOL
Erika's hospital band says "Falls".... she said mine should say, "Forgets!"  :)
I might write that one in. 
Sorry no pictures.  No access right now.  She is READY for this, so hopefully, we'll be home sooner than later.

Surgery Time

Tomorrow, Erika and I leave for Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children.  Erika will be checked in, and her surgery will be on Thursday.   
The girls will be going to school with friends of ours during the day, and home at night with daddy.
We are hoping to be home by Sunday or Monday. 

Team Minich will do great while we are gone! :)

Kung Fu Panda 2 Movie Review

Last year when we went to camp, we were presented with Despicable Me. I blogged about the reasons I didn't like the movie here.

This year, we watched Kung Fu Panda 2.  We watched part one and thoroughly enjoyed it. Adoption was mentioned slightly in the first one, but in the second one, it was nearly the main theme through out the movie.
We LOVED It!

At first, I was a little wary, as the "you're not my real dad" thing came up. The difficulty of the father to talk to his son about how he came to be his son was apparent.  But did they ever do a good job for a silly kid comedy cartoon, of turning the message around!  It also covered PTSD, moments, as the Panda has flash back memories and loses his ability to focus.  The friends are concerned for him, but also supportive, trying to understand what is going on.
And in the end, he goes home and tells his dad, "I know who I am now. I am Po, and you are my dad".  It really did have a great message of healing and how there ARE issues to work through.  Adoption and Loss go hand in hand. 

All of our girls stayed for the entire movie.  Several children that go to camp are adopted children.  The little 5 year old girl in front of us told her mommy when the movie was over, "I love you mommy! You are my real mommy!"  :)  It made her mommy have some tears of joy. :)

I watched our Alli carefully too. She was sitting one row up with sisters and friends.
She took the whole movie in and loved it, and in the end, I got a  big hug too. :)

The difference between the two movies was night and day.  In "Despicable Me", the father is a con artist who's intent is to USE the children. They are also sent back to face the "box of shame" with the mean orphanage director. This movie was truly despicable!

But in Kung Fu Panda 2, the father is a wonderful father, provider, nurturer who never has any ill intent towards his son. He only wants what is best for him. 
There are HUGE differences between the two. 
One made FUN of adoption, and the other SUPPORTED it and revealed true issues  head on, even if it was a Bird and a Panda who were father and son. :)  
That is why I would recommend Kung Fu Panda 2.

A Little Twist and a Shout....

 The Twist.....
We are starting our school a little later this morning.  Today is President's Day and officially George Washington's Birthday.  So, I was catching up on email, and then I heard in the background a very tender motherly voice....
"Sweetie, do you need anything?  Can I get you a passy? " and then some more tender words.
The voice was Alli's voice. She was being the mother.  She actually looks like a mommy this a.m. because she didn't have time to comb her hair before her job began! LOL

She was kindly instructing her child, ANNA.   Anna was playing the part for her and it was so sweet listening to them interact. :)
Alli has LEARNED a LOT about being a mommy this year and she has taken it to heart in her play. 
Oh the difference a year can make! :)

And what a difference for our Anna too. :)
Neither of them really knew how to pretend and play when they came home. Anna was 5, Alli 11.
I will NEVER forget giving Anna a baby doll. She held it out by the foot and looked at me like, "What do I do with this?"  
She had 2 imaginary friends, "Holly and Sister Nuthin".... that she played with and talked to, but there was really just not much imaginary play that was constructive.  Meaning, there was no pretending Family relationships, because she didn't understand them. It was more silly, or reliving a Sponge Bob episode.   :(
When she asked about her new found baby doll,  I told her, "Oh sweetie, we don't hold our babies by the feet!"  "We wrap them in blankies and snuggle with them and feed them and take care of them!"
And then I showed her how.
She tried it at first and then came in and announced "I have to go to wook!"  "Can you take care of my baby?"  hmmm. ( at least she knew somebody had to take care of the baby)
"I said, No, YOU need to take care of your baby." 
"BUT I HAVE TO GO TO WOOK!"
"No, you need to take care of your baby! She is a newborn! She isn't ready for you to go to work!"
Anna said, "Aw you gonna take cao of my baby owa not? 
I said, "I am not."  :)
So, she picked up a fake phone and called Holly and Sister Nuthin and asked them to do the job. LOL
And that began her world of imaginary play that was "family related". 

Family play is so very VERY important in our children's development.  We used the "Happy Family" dolls for a long time, instead of Barbie dolls. They have all graduated to Barbie dolls and spend time sewing clothing for them, but I am so glad that we used the Happy Family dolls first, to establish FAMILY role play. 
If you sit and just listen to your children play, it is amazing what you can get out of that play time.
I used to do this with the boys too.  Their play told me if I was doing something right or wrong with them.  Did I like how they imitated me? 
It is very telling to have your child pretend to be a parent. :)

And this is my shout of joy......

Over time, Anna developed into quite the little mommy, mothering not just dolls, but ducks, chickens, roosters, goats and kittens.  And I see Alli following the same path. :)
Both girls are VERY good with little children and love interacting with them.  Anna always finds the humor of little one's reasoning skills. :) 

I love it that the girls still pretend, even though they are older. And I love it, that I can hear sweet voices of comfort and caring coming from the other room, even if Miss Alli's hair STILL isn't combed this morning. :)

The Countdown Begins!!

And the countdown begins to the anniversary of our first year home with Miss Alli! :)

I am truly, SOOOOO excited for her. :)  We have completed a full cycle of holidays with her, and the next thing we look forward to is the day we met, 1 YEAR ago! I cannot believe it has already been a year.  It has been an amazing year of learning and loving. :)

Our sweetie has grown nearly 3 1/2 inches, 12 lbs and a HUGE HUGE unmeasurable amount emotionally.  We are so very proud of her. 
I have done my best this last year to document everything very carefully; specifically to document for everybody who reads my blog, that BCLC WORKS, and the LOVE OF THE LORD, is TRULY enough; TRULY ENOUGH...... to bring healing to the broken hearted. 

I don't want to write our 1 year post too early.  But oh, how excited I am to write it. :)
My BABY has a LIFE and she is HAPPY and HEALTHY and I am SOOOO PROUD OF HER!

Did I say I was proud of her? :)

Back from Camp Part 2

The swing.

On the way to camp, Alli began to cry quietly as she sat in the back seat.  We asked her if she was ok, and she said yes, but she felt a little scared. She moved over closer to Erika and they snuggled the rest of the way. 
I was a little worried that she might not handle the event and all the excitement well. But I didn't have anything to worry about. She instantly made some new friends and they were off to play.  She had a GREAT time!
The other girls did too. It always takes Miss Anna a while to warm up, but she found herself having a wonderful time too.
I love watching all the kids interact.

There is always a transition to be had when you leave a place like that. It is so engaging the entire time you are there, and then, it is back to the real world.... We stopped at Cracker Barrel on the way home.  Miss Alli got a little irritated at the table, and I knew it was her struggling to transition back.  So we went outside and borrowed one of THEIR Rocking chairs! LOL  It kinda cracked me up that we seem to be able to find rocking chairs wherever we go. :)
We sat outside for a few minutes and I prayed with her and all was better. She had misunderstood something somebody said.   We had a really nice lunch and then finished off our trip with loads of giggles and memories.
Of course, they are already planning for next year. :)

I just want to say, Peaceable Kingdom Retreat is an AMAZING PLACE. The giving hearts of the staff and volunteers brings tears to my eyes, that they would care so much about making sure our kids have the opportunity to have a successful camping experience without the stares and glares and questions from the general public.
It is also a great opportunity for all the parents to get together and talk and enjoy each others' company.
It was really nice!

We Are Back From Camp

We had a wonderful time!  Everybody was able to go this year. Erika and Sarah had a great time showing the rest of the family what happens at Camp.  There was a lot of rain, so we didn't get to do some of the summer things, but they made up for it, with lots of indoor activities. :)  Erika and Brittany, together again. :)

The Cup Race.... This was a LOT of fun. :)

I loved this picture. :)  Sarah, Alli and Jackie were sitting on the couch. :)

Getting ready to swing

The famous cake contest

Anna tried to swing like Spider Man. :)
These were just a few of the highlights ......We had a great time. :)

All My Little Ladies

 Are waiting.....

 And waiting....

 

And waiting

And eagerly waiting.....

 to go to.....
To be continued.... :)

If Not Us, Then Who

My friend Jeane's daughter Cate posted this on her blog.  It is from No Greater Joy Mom, and I wanted to share the post with you too.
It is called "If Not Us, Then Who?"

There is a sentiment around, including some social workers, that if you want to adopt, you need to do it in America.  They do not understand why anybody would cross the ocean for a child. 
This post shows WHY. 
Jesus said to Love your neighbor.  And a scholar of the law  asked, "Who is my neighbor?"  He was trying to trick Jesus.

Luke 10:25-37 

You can read about the story in the Book of Luke.  It took a Samaritan, a foreigner to take care of the man laying on the road.  Jesus says, we are ALL neighbors. If you see somebody in need, take care of them.
The Lord lays different adoption plans  for different families.  We should not be so closed minded in our society and in our hearts as to condemn somebody for adopting from overseas, OR for adopting in our own country.  It seems silly, really. 

All children need homes.  All orphans need love.  How can anybody say, "You shouldn't go and love that child!"  Are we without conscience? 
Instead, we need to pray for those who are orphans and involve them in our lives, either through adoption or advocacy, or supporting other families who choose to walk the path of adoption. 


There are also many who do not like the idea of fund raising.  Phooey!   Why Not?  Adoption is incredibly expensive on either side of the great pond!  If fund raising brings a child home; so be it!


The despair that some of our children have come from breaks my spirit to the core.  I am still haunted to think of what would have happened to Erika, Sarah and Alli, all from Ukraine and Russia. 
It seems so strange to think about it.  They are my precious girls, and they are happy and normal kids, living in Texas.   But had it not been for God moving on hearts, where would they have possibly wound up? 
For Erika and Sarah, a MENTAL INSTITUTION! For Alli, the Streets.  Both scenes, dismal and hopeless.  
BUT GOD.....
Why are institutions allowed to STARVE children to DEATH, forcing them to lay until they die?

Erika REMEMBERS being in a straight jacket, looking up from her crib of hopelessness and being HUNGRY.  She remembers ALSO, from her hopelessness, a peace from the Lord.  HE visited her when there were no visitors.  How she left that laying room after 4 YEARS and went to the orphanage where she met Sarah is beyond comprehension... but she did. And PRAISE THE LORD she is HOME!  After nearly 8 years.... she came home.   

It seems like another world, a distant dream now..... but we cannot forget those left behind.  They need our prayers and concern, and they need us to love them, and BRING THEM HOME, or they face certain DEATH.
So the next time you run into somebody who is adopting, either HERE or THERE.... Support them, Encourage them, and think about adoption yourself!

Beyond Consequences Logic and Control: Parenting According To Emotional Age

(This was me and Sarah when she was 6.  I just love this picture )

Over several years, I have been asked on and off what BCLC looks like in our home. I have blogged about it, in several posts, but today I wanted to address emotional age, because I think it is PARAMOUNT in understanding BCLC.
(Beyond Consequences Logic and Control)
Many times I get questions about children who will not obey, are diagnosed RAD or have been diagnosed ODD, PDD, ADHD, PTSD, etc.  All those are labels given under an umbrella of behaviors that lead to diagnosis.  But none of them really offer underlying CAUSE or deal with what is BENEATH the behavior.  BCLC addresses CAUSES NOT symptoms.  If you can get to the ROOT of a behavior, you can "weed it out". If you just keep cutting the top, it will come back again and again.  I prefer to deal with ROOTS and though it is HARD, I bet it is what all parents WANT! They want to help their children HEAL.

I decided to address a few broad issues that have happened in our own home and how we have dealt with them. I don't think we have handled them perfectly, or that we are perfect parents, but we ARE parents who want to do our best before the Lord and represent HIM to our children.  So here goes: Hang on for the ride. :) 

If your child is 10 years old in body, yet 2 years old emotionally... how do you handle things like not staying at the table for dinner, or not cleaning his room?
You may need to have your child sit right by you at dinner and treat him/her much younger.  This is gonna sound weird, but a few times we actually fed one of our girls like a toddler.  If she didn't NEED it, she would have refused it. But she did.  We had one of our girls sit on our laps and fed her when she was about 7.  This seemed to help her stay calm. She had a lot of food issues when she was first home. The issue of not eating really stopped quickly.  Another way that helped during dinner was  giving her comfort foods from her country and allowing her to help prepare meals. 

Each of our girls helps in kitchen once a month for a week. This includes all kitchen duties, and the privilege of helping mom cook. :)  
In light of that, when Miss Alli came home, she was 11 years old.  However, she was really about 18 months emotionally. 

My expectations of her doing kitchen were greatly diminished. I had to teach her how, and guide her attitude so she didn't get overwhelmed.  Singing, playing games, pretending all helped her cope with the ultimate chore. We didn't REMOVE the chore, we just adjusted our expectations. 

Here is an example of how things were 10 months ago!

 With our Alli, my gentle assistance made her angry.  I assisted her anyway.  I remember an instance in filling the dishwasher where she was slamming dishes and I let her know that it was not ok to take her frustration out on the pretty dishes.  She did it again and again, and as she loaded them in , I took them out until she FINALLY realized, this was not going to end until the dishes were put in the dishwasher with a kind attitude. It took a couple of trips to the rocking chair and a talk or two, some deep breaths, getting our tools out (MINE INCLUDED) and about an HOUR.... and FINALLY, she did it correctly. I felt like I was reliving a Helen Keller scene with BCLC overtones! LOL

BCLC does NOT mean allowing a child to lead everything. 
TODAY.... just 11 months later, Miss Alli handles the kitchen by herself! She does a GOOD JOB, including the floors!  I can trust she knows how to do each thing and she is really proud of herself.

This is another part of BCLC that some may not understand. When you parent a child towards their EMOTIONAL AGE, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY WILL REMAIN THERE. The idea is that once you recognize and fill in the holes of emotional neglect, the child is then able to move on.  
To me, it is like helping a child fill in the holes of a bad math education. If they are in Pre-Algebra, but do not yet understand fractions, decimals and times tables,

BEFORE they can master Pre Algebra, they have to go back and master the basics. 
If you keep them struggling through the Pre Alegbra, they will ALWAYS struggle. If you go BACK and master the easy stuff, they will QUICKLY move ahead and MASTER Pre-Algebra! Does that make sense?

How have we handled hitting, disrespect or hurting our animals?

 We have handled this the same way we would with a baby or toddler. 
"You may not hit" or "We don't hurt the chicken!"...." We do not talk to each other that way!"  We NEVER EVER leave a child alone with an animal or another child unless we know they can be trusted. In the case of Miss Alli, we moved all 4 girls into the same room, so our older girls could keep an eye out for her behaviors. We also left our bedroom doors open which were right across from each other for the first 6 months.  That way we were doubly aware and nobody was singled out.
When Anna was first home, she had so much underlying anger she would shake. I saw her with the chickens and she would hover over them and shake. If I had left her alone with a chicken, I have no doubt she would have tried to hurt it.  I had to manually teach her how to show the chickens proper affection.  Within a year, she was able to dress the ROOSTER and have him lay on his back in her doll carriage to everybody's disbelief! :)  She became Anna the Chicken Whisperer and is still known by that name by our neighbors. :)
I would reassure a child while correcting behaviors, "I love you too much to let you hit."
If this invokes a tantrum, that is ok. Our children need to learn to accept correction and understand they are NOT the only ones who need it.  After waiting for them to get calm, we can  then deal with the issue at hand.  If it takes an hour or four hours, it doesn't matter.  This is something EACH FAMILY has to go through, and because of that, I would get every family member on the same TEAM!

 During a time of calm instruction, always make sure your child knows they are NOT the only ones who have ever been snotty, hit a dog or hit a sibling.  This keeps them from feeling so overwhelmed with being "different", or from being overwhelmed with "shame".  
 

Preparing them for transitions:

Many of our little ones don't handle transitions well. When our kids are two or three , it is important to prepare them for leaving the park, or going to bed, so they aren't surprised with change. Some of our older children are about that age emotionally, so we have to do much the same thing for a while. :)

If they are 2 or 3 in emotion, they may need very, very simple commands for a chore.  Overwhelm is typically the reason a person will not do something!  Ask my husband; I'm supposed to be doing the data entry so we can complete taxes. LOL

Instead I would prepare them for what they are  supposed to do and make SURE they understand.  "In 15 minutes we are going to make your bed."  "In 5 minutes it will be time to put away your toys."  When the timer goes off, (timers are great because they do not involve you directly)  we are going to come to the table for dinner." 
MOST of the time, this solves transition problems. Many times, they are having trouble transitioning, not necessarily refusing a request.  

 Refusing A Request
If a child flat our refuses to do a chore or follow an instruction,  I would never wait to intervene as in, wait for a mood to change. I may wait for a moment and take a deep breath. But waiting on a child's mood to change puts the child in the driver's seat, and that can make them feel very insecure and also reinforce their possible view that they do not need us or that we do not care. 

 If cleaning their room, they many need simple instructions one at a time. "I need you to take this bag and fill it with the trash from your bedroom".  "Now, I need you to pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry."  "Can you please put your shoes in the closet?" "Can you help mommy make your bed?"  Simple, short and sweet, gets a job done.  (I need to remember this for my overwhelming office job) :)

 Making things right!
I would instantly intervene in any hitting or snottiness towards another person.  "WE DO NOT HIT!" "It is not ok to speak disrespectfully to another person". This was one of our girl's biggest struggle.  She was a little shocked when it was directly addressed the very first time it happened, and each time after that.  At first it was a tantrum invoking, tree climbing  thing, but she soon realized that life didn't move on until this was dealt with, in gentle kindness.  It is an extreme rarity now. I would say non existent, but the minute I hit the post button, that would be over. LOL

HOWEVER, we didn't deal with just the behavior, but inquired about the underlying cause.  (Usually fear of rejection and insecurity)  "What's going on sweetie? You seem really upset? You are speaking harshly!"  Sitting in the rocking chair, or near the tree, or by the bed, or wherever she would wind up was interesting. On the bed, blankets would be pulled over her head. So we talk through the blanket. After a few minutes, a gentle rub on the back, and then, permission to enter her world.... "May I see you?"  And then, a hand.... and a grip from her that signals, I want you to snuggle.  Then, a tender talk...about the underlying issue...and how to rectify the hurt feelings of another.   And if her feelings were hurt, rectifying that too.  THAT is what I mean by dealing with it.  Not harsh correction or punishment.  But ROOTING out the problem.

There is no punishment you can give for a child feeling hurt or insecure. You deal with the insecurity and the problem disappears.

I think sometimes BCLC can be confusing. Some think that a child's words to you can be snotty and harsh. I know in BCI live, some of those instances happen in the skits.  I do not believe Heather is saying that it is ok for kids to yell at parents because they don't have the right cereal.  
Her message is, the cereal isn't the issue. Obviously! Getting to the root of the issue; a child being scared about a test, or a child who was formerly starved, or past pain, gets the child calm, and THEN you can deal with the actual behaviors.  If all you addressed were the disrespect, that is the mowing over the weed and forgetting the root.  To root out, you need to dig deeper, address the pain first and THEN come up with new ways to express frustration or fear.

 What about Apologies?

This is the tricky part. 

I have always insisted on an apology. Usually they come naturally, as we are all apologizers. :) We have had one of our girls say, "Well I'm not sorry!"  I have told her, it doesn't matter. It is the right thing to do. So we worded it, as, "It was wrong to hit you, or be snotty to you,  will you forgive me!"  
That takes the "lie" out of it. LOL  AND we ALWAYS deal with the Spiritual along with correction.  We pray. We talk faith, and what God's laws are and how we NEED a SAVIOR, mama and daddy too. None of us do what is right,all the time,  we ALL sin. We need to pray that God will HELP us to be sorry if we are not.
This usually causes our hypervigilant children to relax as they know they are not the only ones, even if they are the only ones at that moment. :) 

Parenting hurt children is a wild ride!  We parents..... get to go along for the ride; but it is much better if we take the driver's seat and slow the car down, making sure everybody stays safe. :)

Of course all circumstances are not the same.  If a child is significantly older, and you can easily be overpowered, it may be that some tweaking is needed.   A 12 year old may do best calming themselves with you near them, IN their room.   They may need 20 minutes and then you can sit next to each other and attempt to snuggle.  A calming understanding voice makes all the difference in the world.  I have seen my girls hearts melt when my voice gives them the understanding and reassurance they so need.  Just saying, "It's gonna be ok!" has an amazing effect.

I am a rather tall person, so holding a 12 year old isn't that hard.

But if you are 5'1", it may be a lot harder.   If a child NEEDS to be rocked, or snuggled, do what you can to find that comfortable position, so it can happen. 

A word about EYE CONTACT:

We do not force it.  Of course, many want to say if a child doesn't make eye contact they are not attached or are unattached. I don't think this is true. I think sometimes they are too ashamed.  To force it, is too harsh.  We do encourage eye contact, but not in the height of the moment.  When we are talking many times it is at the END of our conversation that eye contact is established.  And for one of our little girls, (Our Sarah),  she just gets too nervous during a serious talk. Eye contact makes her have nervous laughter.  She HATES it when that happens, so we wait for her to be relaxed.  It works very well.

About Miss Alli:

I have truly been amazed how quickly she has grown. Our one year anniversary is coming up fast and she is really looking forward to it. I have much to share that will be reserved for our one year celebration post.  She is a brave, amazing little girl! :) And HEALING TRULY HAPPENS! We are living it! :)

Don't EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, give up! Never, EVER, EVER! EVER. :)

                                                                   ever.

Parenting AHEAD

                               (Both of my angels were adopted because of disruption)

I posted earlier about Children not being adults here.  I wanted to follow up with a few thoughts on Parental Leadership.
Our children, especially our children who have come home at older ages, have no understanding of leadership, or their need for parents.  Yes, they all want them, but they really do not know what they are. I love the Wendy description  of what a mother is:

For the child who has never had that tender hand, the whisper that bids you goodnight, the very thing they desire, can really frighten them.

Our children need our true leadership, through tender and gentle words of wisdom.  Do we catch ourselves instead yelling in the other room, "NO MORE TALKING! I MEAN IT!"   I did that once and one of the girls said back, "Anybody got a peanut?"  LOL... 
I was not taking leadership on that night. Instead, I was being lazy. 

Leadership does not mean being a boss hog.  It does not mean putting down an authoritarian dictatorship type rule, it means leading by example, and parenting AHEAD of the children so they can follow, NOT following behind, and complaining loudly the whole way as you can clean up the destruction from the path they made.

Tenderly guiding BEFORE the fact leads to SUCCESS!  "Before we do our kitchen chore, I want you to know what is expected. " Stick TO THAT expectation!  Don't make it too far out of reach, as in a goal they cannot keep, like I want the kitchen spick and span in 30 minutes and they are 5 years old.
Start with simple....
"I need you to fill this bag with all the kitchen trash!"  THEN. "Can you gather the silverware and put it in the sink for me?"  THANK YOU!  If you see them shrink back, then, tenderly helping... "Here, let me help you with that." If they are not ready, take them to the rocking chair and soothe them, then talk about what you are going to do when they are calm, and then try again. We had to do this with Anna and Alli many times.  And sing a song while you do it; it calms little nerves. :)

 And DO NOT GIVE UP until you are successful!
 I do believe thinking back on it, the first time Miss Alli had kitchen duty, it took several trips to the rocking chair, several times of me having to show her how to load the dishwasher and several little fits on her part before she finally listened. It seemed like  hours! But, she succeeded and it didn't happen again after that. 
She learned that mama was consistent and that she was safe.  When we finished, I praised her efforts and then we rocked.  During that calm rocking time I discipled her.  I let her know how much time she wasted by all that stalling and whining and melt down time, and how sad it was that now she didn't have the time she needed to play....(this is a natural consequence) I made sure she understood that I understood that she was new at this, but reassured her she would do MUCH better next time, and she needed to trust mama.  She agreed.  She also apologized and I forgave her. (This is not done in a condemning or critical tone, but a soft engaging tone of love)

When you go into the store, engage them in helping putting the cans in the cart. Get them to help you find the right products from your list if they are older. Or even organize the basket by food groups.  The next time, engage them in helping pick out the cereal of choice, giving them a voice, but make the behavior requirements the same.  Double engagement really helps to distract.  If you keep them busy, they forget about disobeying.  Stay 3 steps ahead.    If you see them headed for meltdown, divert, leave! This way, you are not reacting, but  be fully prepared to handle the hurt. When you get into the car, PRAISE THEIR EFFORTS ANYWAY (the ones they made) and tell them they DESERVE to be praised.You can talk about the meltdown later.
Parenting AHEAD, will help keep you from full blown issues both at home and out in public.

 ( For those of you with children who will recoil at praise, or will reject it and try to prove they don't deserve it,  Praise them ANYWAY!  PLAN ON FALLOUT.. and be prepared for the rocking chair.) 

It won't be long before it is normal to behave properly with little setbacks.   When those setbacks occur. DO NOT fall back on lazy parenting styles of warning, accusation, anger, parental tantrums etc.   ( the very things we accuse them of) LOL

  Reassure your child that they can be successful next time.This will make your child feel SECURE. 
They will know that you are not wavering in their dissarray, but you are the rock they need to depend upon. There is nothing more scary than a parent who is out of control.
But staying even keeled and tenderly leading them will help them begin to see that you have faith that THEY CAN HEAL, and that you are proud of their efforts, no matter how tiny the step.  Our hurt children NEED TO KNOW that we have even a smidge of FAITH IN THEM, so they can learn to trust us. If they think we view them as hopelessly flawed, hopelessly hurt and that they just need to be fixed, this will do nothing but cause them self doubt, shame and continual grief.

Speaking TRUTH into our kids is parenting ahead.   "I know you are kind" instead of "you are mean", "I know you are honest" instead of you are a liar, "I know you are respectful" instead of you are disrespectful, even if you have to say, "Deep down in your heart, I KNOW this to be true!" or "Inside you there is an HONEST girl just waiting to come out!" These are words of truth and HOPE, and just like in the orphanages, where all the kids long and HOPE for a mother and father; they can cling to the HOPE that someday they will be whole and honest and loving and kind and respectful and  secure.
Parenting Ahead, GIVES them that hope.  And it gives US that hope too. :)

Children are NOT Little Adults

 

(Anna at 5)

I have had this on my heart. I have been rewriting and rewriting.... mostly because it is hard to put some things into words. Mike has helped me a bit on this too. (Thank you dear)  These words may not be popular...and they may annoy some. My hope is that they will encourage you.

Children are NOT little Adults. They do not think like adults.  They do not reason like adults. And many times, I think WE adults, interpret their behaviors and actions, as if we were dealing with other adults.
Children do not fully comprehend the ramifications of the things they say or do at any given time. They just DON'T think that far ahead! 
Children live life in the moment.  Some are more spontaneous than others, and may do things that surprise us, or cause us personal pain. 

  Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things....

If a child is having difficult behaviors, it is important to know that they are not doing this against US.  And many times, they honestly do not know the WHY of their behavior. It just is.
If we look at everything through the lens  of them trying to control us or get at us then how in the WORLD will healing take place? ESPECIALLY if they pick up on our  own underlying feelings of anger and suppressed rage?.
I was listening to Eric Guy, who travels with Heather Forbes and participates in her advanced Training, as well as having his own training camps.  In one of his videos, he talked about  a child who can pick up on a parents emotional state.  He was sooooo RIGHT....
If a parent  is controlling themselves on the Outside, but inside burning with concealed anger and rage, the child picks up on this very easily. And thus, the cycle continues. They will react to the parents underlying anger.

I remember 2 of our boys climbing on the school roof as children.  When I found out, it was during prayer time, when one of them thanked the Lord that they made it up and back down safely!  LOL
It never dawned upon me that my boys were anything but curious.  I wonder, had they been adopted, would their actions have been determined to be manipulative? Surely they knew better! During the childhoods of my sons, we had our variety pack of issues to deal with, as all parents do.... but if they had been adopted, would their parents have seen their behaviors differently? Would they have interpreted everything through the lens of manipulation?

I distinctly remember my oldest son trying to pull a fast one during nap time.  "Mama, THANK YOU for taking good care of me. You are a good mama!"  I said, why thank you sweetie!  He then said, "Can I get up now?"  My answer was, "No.... since I am such a good mama, I need to make sure you get your rest!"
BUSTED....He was definitely trying to pull one over on mom.... but I didn't see it as a deep seeded problem with eternal ramifications.  I saw it as a little boy who didn't want a nap, and was trying to get out of it.
Honestly, I never gave it a second thought. I don't think he did either. :)  The only thing I really thought was that he was a rather clever fellow at 5.  Had he been adopted, would somebody have seen his antics of some sort of conscienceless act of evil?

When our 3rd son had a really hard time with potty training, I never thought once that he was trying to control me.  But oh, there were those who thought so. They couldn't have been MORE WRONG! I am SO GLAD I DID NOT LISTEN TO THEM!  It could have been disastrous, and caused him and our relationship permanent harm.
 When one of our daughters peed her bed and then changed into clean clothes and hid her wet ones,  it was NOT her trying to control me. But OH there were those who thought she was!   And you know what?  EVEN IF SHE WAS, she couldn't, because my only reaction was, "Oh so sorry you peed, let's get a bath, so you can smell all pretty again."  And with the clothing? "We don't want stinky clothes, can you help me take these to the laundry?" The peeing stopped after several months. The hiding was not manipulation, it was shame.
Did it stop because she matured more?  Or did it stop because she didn't get a rise out of me?  Some would say the latter. I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE the first choice. She matured in her security and love and realized she had no need for shame anymore.

I remember as a child, about 8 or 9 years old, things were difficult.   I began to wet at school during about a 2 week period.  There it was, suddenly upon me! I couldn't catch it at all. And I was humiliated!  My teacher, never scolded me. Unfortunately, I had to remain in wet clothing all day.  I am soooo GLAD they did not call my home. Had they asked me, I would not have understood what to say.  You know why? I was a CHILD reacting to stress.  I understand NOW, exactly what was going on.  But back then, as a child, all I knew was that I couldn't get to the bathroom.  What if somebody decided that I was trying to be controlling or manipulative or trying to get attention?  It would have been devastating.  It has taken all these years for me to even be able to share this... and here I am sharing in bloggy world. :/

The word manipulation has such a negative connotation. It is associated with no conscience, or a person who is sociopathic.    These things cannot be concluded about children who have not fully developed in personality; especially hurt children.  I would argue they have never had opportunity to develop. Many of them continue to live with basic survival skills, not family life  skills, and it is sad that they are labeled before they even begin to heal, and then that label colors everything they do. Every SINGLE thing!  They are judged. They can't do right if they tried, because it would be deemed "manipulation".  If they say they are sorry... manipulation.  If they are kind... manipulation.  If they don't know the answer, manipulation. If they are nice to others, manipulation.  If they are quiet... manipulation.... How frustrating!

Our kids who have come to us after trauma, are  hurt, and we cannot "hurry them along" for our own convenience and schedule.  Just because we think they should be farther along in healing than they are, does not give us permission to accuse them of manipulation.
When we come to Christ, and are new baby believers, He does not bludgeon us with our sin all at once!
We are forgiven and clean, but oh those habits that stay! Slowly and carefully, the Holy Spirit works on our hearts and we begin to blossom and grow spiritually.  Changes take place gently and over time, and sometimes the Lord reveals things to us years later..... that it is time to change something new.  If we were to see ourselves and our true natures all at once, the burden would crush us. 
Sometimes, I think that is what we try to do to our children, with the best of intentions. But we crush them.
 
I remember when Anna was first home, it took years for some of her old behaviors to go away. YEARS.  And that was with doing BCLC the whole time.  Today, 8 years later, she is a happy, healthy teenager.
 I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.....
Kids KNOW fake!
I BELIEVE IN "LOVE IS A CHOICE, A VERB, AN ACTION", And THAT can make a HUGE difference.   Choosing to LOVE somebody unconditionally is VERY REAL.



I know that one time, I was hurt by something one of the girls did. I did not say anything , as I knew it wasn't against ME, but at the same time, I was upset, and  I held back.  I was silent.  Oh BOY!  Did this child ever pick up on that. She KNEW I was upset and it knocked her off kilter. She instantly began to act out as soon as she knew that I was not fully in tune with her. 
WHY?  Because she could not handle the thought of possibly not being loved. She could not handle that I might be angry with her.  She could not handle the thought of rejection.  Even though I had not rejected her, or that I wasn't really angry with her, or that I stopped loving her.... my hurt, spoke volumes that were interpreted through a wounded spirit. It was too much for her little fragile heart to handle. I immediately admitted to her how I felt and we had a talk...I asked her forgiveness, and she asked mine,  and then, between the two of us, things were MUCH better.

PARENTS! There is NO ROOM for SELF, or taking offense, when it comes to our children.  God did NOT hold back on Us!  While Christ was DYING on the Cross, He said to the Father, "Forgive them for they know not what they do!"

Yes, we are not God, we are HUMAN... BUT we have Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, to depend upon when we fail.  He gives us strength and guidance and Unconditional Love to walk the path , walk the walk and help our children to heal.

I am in NO WAY suggesting that we just tolerate unacceptable behaviors. Disciplining (discipleing) our children to obey, be respectful, and live a happy and healthy life is our responsibility as parents.    We can unconditionally love our children, and also let them know their behaviors are wrong. Timing is EVERYTHING.   Talking to them about ways to succeed and not accusing them of manipulation, thereby putting them on the defense, is so very important in being successful. 
It is so important not to assume the worst, but hope the best. 

And it is SO important to remember that our children are CHILDREN and need to be loved and understood as CHILDREN. 
I came across a verse this morning during family devotions. It was in Exodus chapter 34. In verse 6, the Lord passed before Moses and declared, "The Lord, the Lord , a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and ABOUNDING in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and children's children to the thirds and fourth generation.

Yes, our God is merciful and FULL of love and forgiveness.... and we should be the same. :)

Some of our children have come from families where sin has reigned rampant for generations, and our children have suffered the results of that unrepentant sin.  But I am so happy to say, that Jesus Christ is the almighty CHAIN BREAKER.... He is in the business of putting lives back together, healing the broken hearted and setting the sinner free. 
There is scripture in the New Testament that says "It is your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh Lord." 
Our kindness to our children, will lead them to listen and turn from what they are doing in time, breaking the chains of bad habits, and fear, so they can live lives to the fullest.

Sarah's Beginnings

Sarah's KNOWN beginnings came from this very TB Sanitarium.  She was not in this section, but isolated in a room down stairs to spend her days alone in a crib.  We do not know how long she was there. There are no exact records, but it is believed she was there about 3 years.  She didn't make it to the orphanage until she was 4.  Then, she climbed a tree and broke her hip and wound up back in a hospital for awhile.  I can so see Sarah escaping from crib life, to climb trees! LOL

Papa Dima's daughter told us that they went to visit Sarah at the hospital when she had broken her hip and that she was FUMING mad because they tied her to the bed.   Yes, that is my Sarah. :)
I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her, after being confined all those years and then having to go back and get tied in a bed! Poor baby.

I wanted to show the video of the Sanitarium, because MANY children live here for periods of time. They get TB, and then are institutionalized. Some come from orphanages, some go back to homes. Many are abandoned.

Sarah must have caught TB in a hospital or laying room, because she was abandoned at birth.
The darkness of this place was overpowering. It was COLD... it was DARK, the dark you see, was REALLY THAT DARK... the children were precious, and many had no hope. 
I remember a young boy in particular who cried the entire time we were there. He was in total despair. My heart broke for him. 

I am haunted by the things we saw in Ukraine.  I think of the children left behind all the time.  Most of these children are most likely on the street or ready to be turned onto the streets, as this was taken 6 years ago next month.  :(

My Ukrainian Princess

Sarah asked me to do her hair Ukrainian style today. :)  Love that girl!

Valentines Day

We had a fun day getting ready for our friend from church coming over with her daughter.  We had our traditional steak dinner, while the girls had hot dogs, veges and snacks.  They watched "Enchanted".... we all did. LOL  That is such a fun movie.

And then, the traditional mommy daddy dance, turned into a daddy girlie dance.  And OH HOW I COULD KICK MYSELF for not having my camera ready.  I thought somebody else was taking video, and they weren't. :(
But let me tell you.... Miss Alli's first Valentine's Dance with daddy was with her whole heart!  She let herself go and twirled and fell into his arms like a fairy princess. :) It Made me smile!
All the other girls got their turns to dance with daddy too, and then started dancing with each other. LOL After all the candy and fun, it was a late bedtime, and friends went home. What a nice day!

We have completed our cycle for the year of Holidays with our newest Daughter Miss Alli. :)  So PROUD of her! I think she is proud of herself too.
I still can't believe I didn't get a picture! :/

A Valentine's Message to Our Girlies

Dearest Erika, Anna,Sarah and Alli,

Happy Valentine's Day!
From the very moment you were conceived, God had His hand upon your lives. While He knit you in your mothers' wombs, He knew you.  You were fearfully and wonderfully made, each one of you. 
And just, as He did not spare His own son, Jesus Christ, from the hardships in life, He did not spare you, because he saw an eternal fruit, more wonderful than anything man could conceive.

He was with you in your sufferings and he silently guided your lives.  He brought you little blessings all along the way to show you He was with you; a kind word, a gentle touch from a stranger, a presence that you did not understand.

While you rocked in your crib, He comforted you. While you wept for a tender touch, He sent somebody to hold you and give you hope.  While you felt despair, he wept tears with you.

And then, in His perfect timing, He brought you home.  You see, your home, is not plan B or C or D. Your home is  Plan A. No different than your body. Your bodies are not plan B or C or a mistake. I believe this with all my heart.

It was no different with His son.  Jesus dying on the Cross for our sins was NOT plan B.  It was plan A. God in, His infinite wisdom and knowledge prepared before the foundations of the world, to send His son, KNOWING He would be sacrificed on a cruel cross, for you and for me. 

His ways we do not fathom. His ways are ETERNAL. Our lives are but a breath in light of eternity.  And since what we do here matters so very much, in light of eternity, we have not ONE BREATH TO WASTE!

Our lives are precious in His sight.  He takes joy in watching you develop into the young ladies you are meant to be. He takes joy that the orchestration of your lives has come into fruition and that the joyful music is ready to play.

We take joy in being a part of your lives. :)  You are truly our little Valentines, each and every one of you.