Conversation Hats

This morning started out a little bit late.  Mike and I were up late last night.  I went to meet Em's at the hospital with Miss Ilse.  (All is well!)   So when I came home, the girls were still up and waiting for good night kisses, and Mike and I wanted to talk just for fun! :) 

Sarah got up as usual and made the morning coffee; a routine  she has established, that I just love! :)  She was reading a favorite book, Daddy was looking at the news and I was checking Email. 
I decided to do something different....
"Sarah, can you wear a 'conversation hat'?"  And I put a hat on her head.  She played along grandly! :)
I wore my hat, and she wore hers and we had a lovely chat over our morning coffee. :) (sure beats EMAIL) :) I think conversation hats are just plain fun! :)

We chatted about the upcoming book fair and about upcoming birthdays and just about simple things.
It was a lovely morning. :)

The Big Home School Book Fair

The Big Book Fair is coming up this weekend!  It is a wonderful place to go and hear speakers, see all the newest curriculum, meet old friends and have a grand ole' time!   This year we are volunteering on Friday afternoon.  
This year there will be several speakers including Clay and Sally Clarkson.  Sally's blog is on my side bar. (I Take Joy) 
This is one of the best deals in town.   There are two days of seminars and discounts on curriculum.
Adults are 15 dollars and kids are 5 dollars.  You can't beat that!  Well you can. If you volunteer 2 hours of your time, you get in for FREE!

This book fair is HUGE.  Thousands of people come each year from all over the South West. And it is FUN!

I hope to see you there! :)

HOW LONG DO YOU DO BCLC?

Somebody asked, "How long do you have to do BCLC, before you can parent "Normally"?
That is a VERY good question!

I think what this person is asking is, "When can I show displeasure or anger at my child's behavior as I have done with my biological children and not have a back lash effect?"

I think the answer to this question is two fold.....
In  question form:

1.  Can you talk to your child about WRONG behavior WITHOUT the anger?
2.  Have you established a trusting RELATIONSHIP and CONNECTION with your child?

I had to talk to one of our darlings this morning about a behavior that was bothering me.  Instead of showing her anger or disappointment, I simply was able to spell out the facts.  "The behavior you are showing is not what I see as productive.  It needs to stop and things need to change! I KNOW you can do it, because you are great kid!"  At first, she didn't want to hear it. But she listened as I encouraged her to hear my heart.  And when our talk was over, she was empowered to do better and consider dropping the behavior in question.

I didn't HAVE to show anger to get my point across.  I was serious and to the point, minus the "guilt trip anger".

Now, I could talk FRANKLY, BECAUSE we have established a trusting connection.
One of the points about BCLC parenting is that a RELATIONSHIP has to be WORKING in order to be able to parent.  This is VERY TRUE! 
It does not matter how LONG our children have been home! If we have not established RELATIONSHIP, then everything else is FUTILE! RELATIONSHIP IS THE ALL IMPORTANT FIRST STEP!
IF relationships are established and trust is there, we have much more freedom in how we handle any given situation.  
I think BCLC is not much different than "Grace Based Parenting"..... It is respectful, kind and gentle. It tells the TRUTH in LOVE! 
But in order for our kids to HEAR the TRUTH, they need to trust us first.  
BCLC looks past the behaviors to the FEAR that drives the behaviors.  Those behaviors diminish GREATLY as trust is established.  The fears disappear and many unwanted behaviors go away.

Once TRUST is established, you can work on the specific lingering behaviors; fear driven or formed from bad habit.  When our children trust our love and know we accept them, they are very willing to work on hard issues. :)
And it is a JOY to see them progress!
There is no anger needed to point out that some behaviors are wrong or immoral.  It is matter of fact.
It helps to remember that our children are STILL CHILDREN and even as young teens have  a LONG ways to go before adulthood.  Our own fears should not be what cause us to over react or implement destructive consequences that get in the way of true progress.

I am ALL FOR NATURAL consequences, but not IMPOSED consequences that are more like punishment.
There have been many times where my own girls have felt like I was "punishing" them because I didn't allow a certain freedom or privilege.  I am very quick to let them know that I would LOVE for them to be able to do X..... but until they are ready, it would not be right for me to give that privilege.
It is amazing how they respond to that.  Usually it is a very positive response, because they are made to feel safe and secure. 

So how LONG do we do BCLC?  Always! :)  Of course we have to be VERY CAREFUL with our own attitudes and tones of voice when a child is learning to trust.  But things do relax and when we do not do things perfectly, as we are NOT perfect.... the kids are relaxed and forgiving of us, just as we are of them. :)

I think that there is a great misunderstanding that when using BCLC, you have to walk on egg shells for eternity and your kids never get past being treated with kit gloves. I believe the word is "coddled".  This is a true MYTH and is actually quite SILLY.  The point is, that LOVE WORKS! We all want to be LOVED and CONNECTED because we are social beings.    Tenderness and gentle parenting is a GOOD THING for ALL children! 
Learning to be an effective parent without blowing our tempers is also a good thing!   The scripture says, "Be angry and sin not!"  and "A soft answer turns away wrath!"   That means, we can be angry and tender at the same time.  We can disapprove of wrong doing and correct behaviors in our children without overwhelming  them with  shame and guilt.

Effective parenting doesn't just "happen".  It is well thought out, planned, orchestrated, plotted, outside the box type parenting. :)   And it is ALWAYS LOVING.  "Savior, like a gentle shepherd lead us....."  We need to be GENTLE shepherds for our children.
 No sledgehammers needed. :)

My Serious Mandolin Player!

Miss Alli is taking her practice very seriously!  She numbered her fingers "just like in the book!"  LOL

DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL!

Warning: Graphic photos and video. Well, this was not a person, but a SNAKE!  So he is really a ROTTEN DIRTY SNAKE!  He ate one of our chickens! 
I went out to open the coop doors and check on the babies and there he was right in front of me, with a BIG FAT BELLY FULL OF OUR BABY CHICK!  It is one thing to be caught innocently in our yard, it is another thing to take my livelyhood.  So THIS snake did not get let off into a welcoming field.  For this one, we administered the death penalty!  And to be perfectly honest, our neighbor did the dirty deed.  He gave me the tools  and then kindly offered to do it. :)  It is after all a guy thing to do.... rescuing 2 damsels in distress when everybody else is at church and one of us is sick. :)

 Miss Alli is one brave girl giving that snake a dirty look for killing her baby chick!

So, we were VERY curious about WHICH chicken he ate.  I figured what went in, must be able to come out.  It was very interesting squeezing the little fellow out.  I could feel the snakes muscles and bones retract and compress.   Glad I wasn't that poor chicken!  Glad I wasn't the snake either. :)

Here is some interesting video of our morning event! :)  The first video we get the baby chick out.

The second video gives a good lesson on not touching a snake after it is dead because it can still bite and move.

Cleaning the Room.... A Big Surprise

Miss Alli has longed for a mandolin for over a year.  She left her mandolin behind when she came.  After looking for quite some time, daddy found one online that was a great deal.  So we bought it.
Just YESTERDAY she said, "It is going to take a long time to save for a mandolin....maybe 2 years!" LOL
I told her, "You know, miracles can happen." 
She said, "I'm not so sure".... rather drolly.
Then today happened.  While we were on our play date, the mandolin arrived 3 days early!  Dad called and said, "What should we do?"  He decided to open the box and put it on her bed.

When we arrived home, she was hot and sweaty and a little tired, and was not real excited about cleaning her room.  She didn't know I was following her with the camera until she turned around in her room..... then we asked her if she had made her bed yet...... :)  All the rest is in picture. :)

 

There is a very happy little Mandolin Player around here. :)

Like Tissue Paper

Relationships change our lives.

 When we choose to enter a relationship through friendship, marriage, adoption or even in "cyber space", those interchanges effect us.  We cannot just exit a relationship and have it not effect us in some way.
 
Have you ever tried to glue tissue paper together and then pull it apart? ) I challenge you to try this with your children.  It is a very good object lesson to learn.)
When you try to pull the paper apart, it doesn't just come apart and become what it once was. Instead part of each piece is forever stuck to the other piece.  The paper is crumpled and torn looking.  It isn't that beautiful piece of paper it started out to be.

When a couple chooses to divorce, they will never be able to go back to how things were before the marriage.  When a family chooses to disrupt, they will never have that "happy family" back.  When a friendship breaks up, the friendship will always have an imprint upon our lives and hearts. 

Why?  Why can we not just make a "clean break"?  Because relationships are much like Tissue Paper.
When we come together making a connection with another human being, and then that relationship is severed for whatever reason, a part of that person forever is imprinted in our hearts;  good or bad.

Relationships are messy things and need to be regarded with great care and consideration. 


When we enter marriage or adoption, there is  an even GREATER level of care and consideration that we must take into account.  Marriage and adoption are inside of our home!  That relationship exists day in and day out, and it is of utmost importance to count the cost before entering into such a covenant.

It was said by somebody "I just want my happy family back," because of the great stress they were under, due to a difficulty with a child that had wreaked havoc on their home.  
While it is certainly understandable to want peace..... the wanting of the "original situation" minus the added child is NOT real.  There will NEVER be the "happy family back". 

WHY?  Because of the tissue paper example.  The child has and will FOREVER  be imprinted on their hearts. 
(There is that RARE case where it is necessary for a child to be removed from a home due to extreme danger, but that is not the norm, even for children with extreme diagnosis.  A dear friend of mine has just gone through this experience)

If we begin to fantasize about how family was BEFORE the marriage or BEFORE this child came into  our lives, there is a danger of us pulling away and not working on the relationship.  It can stagnate, and then deteriorate.  We will no longer want to try.

And the danger of that fantasy is;  it is A FANTASY.  It is not real.  WHY?  Because of the tissue paper example. :) 

I have not met a family yet, who was not GREATLY effected by choices made to end a relationship.
It seems even more devastating if the relationship being terminated,  is with a child.   

The costs of devotion in our families that come through adoption can be very HIGH; and I am not talking monetary here.  I am talking about integrating a very hurt, traumatized child, who has their own multiply shredded pieces of tissue paper imprinted on their broken little hearts.

If ANYBODY knows vulnerability and pain, it is the child of trauma and rejection.  They DO NOT want more shredded tissue paper.  They understand how fragile relationships can be, after all, they have seen enough of them broken.

So really, it is up to us to MAKE SURE that the relationship we bind together is NEVER separated, just as in marriage.
Just as we count the cost of relationships, our children do too.  For some of them, they are willing to take that plunge quickly and they never look back. For  others, they need to carefully consider what they have been brought into, and then they slowly and surely connect.  

For us.... we patiently wait, and seal those pieces of tissue paper together, firmly in the bonds of Love, so that they will never come apart.  

The questions I ask myself are:  "Would I want to be mothered by me?"  "Would I connect with and love me if I were a scared kid?"  "How can I LOVE my children how THEY need to be loved?"  "What do I need to lay aside in myself, so my children can succeed?"  "Why do I REACT to certain things that are really not that big of a deal?"  "Why do I hold onto those buttons?"  "When I look at myself in the mirror, do I see a loving smile, or face or expression?" "Or, do I see a crabby, grouchy, touchy version of myself?"  "How can I change, so I can help my child?"

Life is rich and complicated, full of the unexpected and the glorious. It is full of hurt and pain and revelation.  In this life we are brought to our knees or the ends of our ropes, and when we let go, that is where HE catches us!  And we realize that In Christ, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, including keeping the most delicate of papers hearts,  from tearing apart.  :)

My Window

Today, do I DARE to write a post on patience, love  and a personal window of tolerance?  Do I?
Yes.... because it is real. :) 

Patience is a gift.  Not only is it a gift from our Heavenly Father to us, it is a gift from us to our children.
It has been said many times, "Don't pray for patience, because God will give you trials."  Or "Don't pray for God's Will because it may not be YOUR will!"

But if I truly WANT HIS WILL to be MY WILL, and I know that HIS WILL is PERFECT, and patience is a GIFT from GOD that He wants me to have, then I PRAY for it ALL!  HIS WILL and PATIENCE! :)

I think for a parent, the "Window of Tolerance" is similar to patience.   But "tolerance" doesn't sound very friendly.  It sounds like we are just "tolerating".... I don't like that.   So, I'll just call it "my window"....

Last night I was pondering the idea of my own window.  How does it remain wide open, and why does it sometimes slam shut!   Why am I sometimes able to bear much and other times feel like a complete failure? 

I am not young.  I will soon be 54.  Pondering my earlier parenting days I remember the worries and cares that I did not give over to the Lord.  I hung onto them for all my very own, for a very long time. Things that were out of my control threatened to consume me.   And it was there in that very low point where I found perfect peace.  I remember being on an airplane with 4 little boys surrounding me... and of all things my sewing machine that I had barely ever used!  They each had a sack of belongings and we had each other.  That was about it. 
I remember the stewardesses did NOT want me to bring a bag for each child on board, but I told them, it was all we had.  It was all THEY had.  So they relented.  The plane was not crowded, and we all sat in the back of the plane.  Marcus was the littlest, but when the plane started to take off, I removed him from my lap and seat belted him into Joseph's seat and then held a crying Joseph who was terrified of the jet noise and the movement.  (this is the child who HATED any kind of simple ride) :)
After the plane was up and the boys were settled, I raised my hand into the air in a rather symbolic way and told the Lord, "You are my husband now, and you are the children's father. I am trusting that you will take care of us according to Your word. "

When we arrived at the airport, it was blowing snow, and the pilot and stewardesses helped carry the children into the airport terminal.  (there was no gate )  And my life started OVER. 
It was SCARY and EXCITING too.  I was 27 years old, a mother of 4, now single, and unemployed.
I was moving in with my mother in law and my sister in law.  And they were the most encouraging, kind, generous and lovely people I had ever met.  They were God's provision in my life at that point.

I found  a job 2 days later. I walked into a children's clothing store and told the man my story. The Owner wasn't hiring at that point, but he hired me anyway.  I worked for him for a couple of years. My sister in law moved and my Mom (Dabba, my mom in law) stayed together working opposite hours to keep the children out of day care.  
During that time, Timothy had 2 major surgeries, one requiring a spika body cast and then a series of casts for almost a year. 
When Marcus was ready to start Kindergarten, we moved to Texas for my first full time job since being single. 
The Lord provided a house to rent, after school care, a school and a job all within 2 miles.  It was AMAZING.
My boys were amazing little guys. They had endured so much and things were happy.  All the sadness and torment we had endured for so long was gone.  I was seeing each of them blossom.

I learned that God takes care of us.  He LOVES us and allows us to go through terribly difficult things to  prune us, and refine us.  He allows hardship and heartache to polish us. 
HIS WAYS are different than mine.  But as I look back over the years from THIS SIDE of the past, I can see no other way. I can see His wisdom and MERCY in my life.
Yes, I was the prideful girl that said, "I would NEVER divorce!"  Hahahaha......
I was the girl who had been "Nancy Nice" on the outside, but my heart was full of judgment and spiritual snobbery. 
YES, I belonged to the Lord, and He had to do something with me. :)  He had begun a work in my heart and HE is FAITHFUL to complete that work.

When I fast forward to today, with all of the interesting things we go through around here, I can see that God was preparing me for NOW, by having me go through yesterday.  I would NEVER have understood the gravity of trauma, had I not been there at the bottom, myself. 
Yes, I went SO FAR DOWN, before I got on that plane, I imagined in my mind the  awful act of ending my own life.  And then it quickly turned to REALITY.  We were so poor and destitute that there was not enough gas in our old van to do the dirty deed.  I would have just maimed myself for life. LOL  I know that sounds a little morbid, but I  actually did find humor at the bottom. :)

I am saying all this because NOT ONLY WAS I LIVING IN A DESPERATE SITUATION, I was ALSO a believer and follower of Christ.   Christians struggle. And Christians SUFFER, many times in silence because of the fear of judgement.  I still fear judgment..... but that kind of fear is not of the Lord.

As time went on and we began to heal from our own experiences, the Lord brought Mike into our lives, and at 31, I remarried.   
I did not date Mike.  There was no time for that really.  We were a package deal, so he courted all of us. :)
23 years later, here I am married to a wonderful man,  sitting in a home instead of a hotel room.  I'm sitting here surrounded by 4 girls instead of 4 boys even though I'd love to be surrounded by the boys all over again.  I have enough gas in my van, but I only want to use it to drive. :)
I have food and clothing.   All of our needs have been miraculously taken care of.  God restored what the enemy had stolen. 

So now, when I deal with the issues of my girls' trauma, or with financial woes, or even my arch nemesis, "paper work"...... and my window begins to close, I remember.  I remember that God is with me.  HE holds my hand. He comforts my heart. HE is my sustainer, provider, and giver of wonderfully glorious gifts like  patience and love.  I remember my own struggles and early days of pride and misunderstanding,  of who I really was and had potential to be!
When I open my refrigerator or go to the grocery store, I remember the days of no food.
When I close my doors at night I remember the days of no home.
When I sit on my couch I remember the days of no furniture.
When I look at my husband, I remember the days of my youth that were much different.
AND I rejoice, even in the hardships which we endure in the present.  We have been given SO MUCH.

KNOWING that all GOOD gifts come from the Lord, I am encouraged each and every time I wake in the morning and hear the voice of my husband and  organized chaos of my girls getting up for a new day. 

But on the days when I am feeling impatient, or my window begins to close, it is because I have forgotten. That is when the LORD brings to my attention....... um...."Remember.....  your past, MY provision, and MY PROMISES."  It is then  I find solace and comfort and renewed strength in Christ.  I cannot do things on my own, but I can do ALL things in Christ who gives me strength.

He has chosen me to walk this path and I gladly and joyfully walk it, even if at times I must make sorrow and suffering my dearest of friends,  just as "Much Afraid" did in the allegory, "Hind's Feet on High Places".

I am truly and undeservedly blessed.
And this is the window I picture in my mind..... :)

Helping Older Kid's Achieve, When They Are Emotionally Younger

I remember when the boys were little, I had charts for them where they would get stars for completing a responsibility or for good behavior.   They would look at the picture chart and be able to understand what they were supposed to do.  It was VERY helpful for me, because that way I wasn't having to say, "brush your teeth" or "comb your hair" or "pick up toys"...etc.

It is more complicated with children who have  trauma, or are diagnosed with RAD or PTSD.  And it is way more complicated when they are so very young is some areas and older in other areas. 
Trying to be sensitive to emotional needs, respecting their age, yet needing them to brush teeth is tricky ground to walk upon. :)

The immature child gives up on things very easily when they become frustrated. The mature child will push through a difficulty and learn from it.  Our goal is to bring the immature to maturity, without overwhelming.

We have baby chickens now.  Alli and Sarah are sharing the responsibility of keeping the babies, fed, warm and clean.  There is responsibility involved each day, but it is not hard.  It just consumes a bit of time and effort.  They did a pretty good job the first week. The second week went by well, but we are into the 3rd week we ran into a problem.
 One of the baby chicks died due to getting wet and cold. :(    There needs to be GREAT CARE taken to not get the area wet when putting in water.  I was showing both girls how to make sure no water would effect the bedding. One listened, one got angry.  And then and Miss Alli decided she was "quitting chickens"!

"No, maam. You may not 'quit chickens'. Those babies depend upon you for their lives! Mama does not give up on her children and you cannot give up on your babies!" :) This was the same day that she was having trouble getting dressed, hair combed and putting dirty clothing in the laundry.  She was overwhelmed..... WHY?  Because that day, she was really struggling, and was more 3 years old than 12.  I was treating her as a 12 year old.  She was giving me clues that I was ignoring, such as baby talk..... duh.... I need to pay better attention!

I went in and talked to Mike about it, and we both agreed.  Three it is! :) So, I did exactly what I would do with a 3 year old.  I switched things over to make her feel less overwhelmed.  I helped her along and explained things to her like I would have if she was 3. 

Guess what?  The anger disappeared, she was willing to try to do things differently and she mourned the loss of the baby chick.  She had a little funeral for it with Sarah. :)

I decided to make a small chart for her with some simple responsibilities and a box to check next to them.  Oh the giddiness of being able to check that box!

For a few days now, she checks off each item required. (these are things that have ALWAYS been required, but many times I have had to walk her through each one verbally ) 

1. Brush tangles out of hair (not just brush hair, but all tangles)
2. Eat breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Put dirty clothes in laundry ( not in closet or under bed)
5. Brush and floss teeth  (with toothpaste)
6. feed chickens   (carefully)

So, even though many 12 year olds would probably balk at a "chart" as being babyish.  Miss Alli LOVES the chart.  She has been happy to follow it and check it off. 
And she is back to loving taking care of the chickens.

I have not assigned a "reward" with this chart. It is a simple guide for her. I think a reward would backfire.  For our little boys, after 100 stars on their chart, they would get a little prize.  For her, we have a new chart each day and the simple check mark is suitable.

It is amazing how such a simple thing can make such a big difference.  One of the biggest things for me, is that I don't feel like I am hovering over making each thing get done.  She goes to her chart and sees what is next and just does it.  We are going on 4 days now, and it is working well!

More Old Video....

Pulling Anna's dangling tooth....Sarah thanking the Lord....

Getting a hug...

 

Miss Alli spent some time last night watching some of these videos.  And then, she was a little sad.  I wondered if her seeing them would cause a negative response.  It really didn't. It caused a NORMAL response.  She realized how much she has missed while she was not in our family all those years.

As we snuggled, I quickly pointed out that there was another person missing in those videos.  She missed out too. 

 But OH the fun we have had since everybody has been together!  

It is interesting, that I get the same feeling when I watch Alli's interview video from Russia.  She is so cute and tiny and I just want to pick her up and hug her, and I missed that opportunity. :(  It makes me feel sad too.  I wish each and every one of our girls had been home from day one...but that is not their story, or mine.
I was looking at a book that our Pastor recommended called "Your God is Too Small"....Here is a quote from that book.

"We can never have too big a
conception of God, and the more
scientific knowledge (in whatever field)
advances, the greater becomes our idea
of His vast and complicated wisdom.
Yet, unless we are to remain befogged
and bewildered and give up all hope of
ever knowing God as a Person, we have to
accept His own planned focusing of
Himself into a human being, Jesus
Christ.
If we accept this as fact, as THE
Fact of history, it becomes possible to
find a satisfactory and comprehensive
answer to a great many problems, and,
what is equally important, a reasonable
"shelf" on which the unsolved
perplexities may be left with every
confidence."
J.B. Phillips, "You're God Is Too Small"

We have MANY perplexities and unsolved understandings in this life.... BUT GOD....

Each step in our lives is according to HIS purpose and WILL.... and we see the miracles each and every day!

I leave this post, with a dance....

The Struggle

This week has been hard.  There has been struggle.  There has been outburst of emotion.  There has been RAW talk....  And I am THANKFUL that there has been TRUE communication! There has been DISCUSSION!  AND there has been PROGRESS!
Sometimes, to progress you have to go through the emotion. THIS has been true THIS WEEK.

I have to say that I am so proud of my girlies. They have banded together to get through,  and I am amazed at their maturity and LOVE!

WE have had discussion with Miss Alli over her past, as she brings it up, and she grieves.  This week was a true struggle for her. She had memory after memory and acting out after acting out....
And then, we reached her heart..... her fears, and her personal struggles.....

Sometimes PROGRESS seems like REGRESSION, but it isn't. It is MOVING FORWARD!  
I am proud of her. I am proud that she was able to talk about difficult, awful things.... that had NOTHING TO DO with 2 disruptions, but went all the way back to RUSSIA.

I am her FOURTH, YES, 4th mama...... and YES, that is sad, but TRUE!  And you know what? She loves me, and I LOVE HER!  AND between you and me.... We are doing AWESOME! :)
We covered some new ground this week....
She remembered her mama coming to visit her at the orphanage. Her mama brought her baby brother.... but did not get her out of the orphanage.  She did NOT know that her mama could NOT take her home because she had LOST her rights as a parent.   This was NEW news to our Alli. And it was HEALING news, that her mama did not leave her because she WANTED to , but because she didn't have a choice.
Her mama's rights were terminted, even though Alli has good memories of her bio mama. She remembers she was nice. She remembers cooking soup together and sitting on the counter.  She also remembers her mama being drunk and passed out.
I HATE it that our kids suffer so much.:( 
I'm so glad she has those precious memories.  I was explaining to the girls that each and every person does things they greatly regret.  The one thing that may have caused a child to be removed for good from a home that was abusive, or neglectful is NOT the only thing that went on in that home.  I would say that in MOST, not all, cases, there are also fond memories.  This is the case with Alli, and also the case with Anna.
Both of them remember their mamas.  This is not the case with Sarah or Erika, because they were left at the hospital at birth. 
At lunch today the subject came up rather naturally.  The girls are at the Jr. High age where they are curious about the changes taking place in their bodies, the process of child birth and the future.  Adoption, will come up in those conversations because obviously, I didn't give birth to them.
Sarah expressed a little sadness today that she doesn't know what her mother looked like.  We all said, we are SURE she looks just like Sarah. :)  This made her smile.  Erika had thoughts about what her mother and father would look like and her brother.  Her brother is around 20 years old now, and does not know Erika existed.
Alli couldn't comprehend why anybody would leave their baby at a hospital because her experience is so different. 
These struggles of identity will continue, and we will get through them.  I am so proud that the girls feel FREE to talk about it openly while both laughing and feeling sad.  What a great little group of girls.  They will always be there for each other. :)  They have a very special bond.

After lunch, we went shopping and had a great time together.  Me being Alli's 4th mama, Sarah's 3rd mama, Erika's 2nd mama, and Anna's 6th or 7th mama (all those foster mama's)  doesn't make me feel any less than their MAMA, because I AM their MAMA and the last one they will ever have, unless there is an "in law" after the title. .... :)

Thursdays

Mike always takes a girlie out on a special date each Thursday.  Now that the weather is GREAT for boating, he has decided to take them ALL out at the same time EACH Thursday so they can ski or knee board.  I pack dinner for them and off they go at about 6 :00 p.m., returning at 9:00 p.m. 

I have opted to keep this a daddy/daughter time, and I stay home! :)

Tonight, I listened to the SILENCE and baked a gluten free pizza for them to snack on when they returned. 

I am thinking that I JUST MIGHT turn Thursday nights into YA-Ya time and go and visit grand babies and older kids and my aging mother  on Thursdays while they are out on the lake!  I could rotate each house every 3 weeks!

This could be a very good thing!:)

TRUST and OBEY!

 ( I love this picture of Sarah and me) :)

I was writing to a cyber friend tonight about parenting children with trauma backgrounds and the thought came to mind... TRUST comes before true OBEDIENCE....
I was thinking about the hymn "Trust and Obey".  We TRUST the Lord before we OBEY Him.
For our children, they have had to learn to trust us, before they were willing to truly obey us.
We must Work on building TRUST!  Obedience is the fruit of trust. :)  And both are the result of LOVE!

Unhappy With Walmart

I thought  that I had made a good decision, purchasing a couple of dolls from Walmart for gifts to be used at a future time, because they were on sale at a good price.  That was Four months ago.

Well, I gave one of those dolls as a  gift this weekend, and it didn't work RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX. 

I took my receipt from the computer to the local Walmart store, with the product that they carry in the store to exchange. I didn't want to return it, just exchange it for one that works. 

They said, because I purchased it more than 90 days ago, EVEN THOUGH it was brand new and had never been used, they would not return or exchange it.
They told me to call the .com number which I did, and they were not really any help, except to say "call the manufacturer."

So now, I am talking with the manufacturer of the product (as soon as they get back from lunch).
We'll see how this turns out.

I have learned a lesson.  Don't buy anything ahead of time when you find a good deal, because it COULD turn out to be money wasted. :(  I hate wasting.  And I REALLY am irritated that Walmart won't help me.  They pretty much said, "too bad".  If they looked at our records, they would see that we purchase from them all the time.
That just might change!

A Wedding Invitation

 Sarah and Alli found out we have been invited to a wedding next month.  Oh the plans!  I think some of those plans will change, or at least the art director will need more practice! LOL  That is just TOO MUCH eye shadow!

But they had fun! :)

A Family Reunion

 I haven't seen my sister since Anna was 5 years old!  Today, we saw each other again, along with my brother, mother and several other family members!  So glad everybody that was able to come, came! :)
We welcomed her with Texas BBQ Brisket, various salads and fresh fruit.  Like me, she is gluten free too, so we had a lovely and SAFE dinner. :)
My Brother's kids and grandkids came, some of our kids and grand kids came and we all had a great time.

 Apparently one of the baby chicks died today. I found this grave.

 The goats were very interested in Scarlett

LIFE

This week, LIFE has happened.  We got through a week of school, a week of disappointing paper work that was returned, a week of awesome girls being girls and a week where two conversations were about possible disruption. 

As I look back on this year and counting with Miss Alli, seeing how fragile she was when she came home, coupled with the conversations I have had this week, has  helped me to understand even more, the fragility of a child who is an older adopted orphan. 

I  wanted to focus on the reason that many times, consequences that are logical  DO NOT work, and many times, cause a child to REMAIN in their traumatized past.

I have had many conversations over the years where The BCLC model is dismissed as poppycock.
OR, those who wrote the book have been discredited as being irresponsible, and the parenting style they suggest is coddling, giving into bad behavior and spoiling.  I sometimes grow WEARY, trying to explain that THAT is JUST NOT TRUE....

When a child has been through significant trauma, it WILL effect the brain.  I have spoken before about the "Window of Tolerance", where a child who is stressed will begin to melt down very quickly, based upon stress level or "tolerance" level.   It makes perfect sense.  It is just that our own personal levels may be MUCH HIGHER than our kids.... THAT IS, until we have been under significant stress ourselves.  Our patient selves disappear and our personal "window of tolerance" closes more and more. And before you know it..... "DISRUPTION"!

When the precious child came home, there was a lot more patience exhibited.  Parents were trying to work with the child to help them transition.  THEN, there was this level of expectation.... they should be doing better by now. ENOUGH with the tantrums. ENOUGH with the tears and anger!  "Don't you see what all we have given you?"
Frustration sets in with the parent, because there is this hidden expectation. Maybe an expectation they didn't even know was there. 
And as for the child, there is an expectation also.  It is the expectation that everything will be the same. They will continue to be unloved and  unaccepted. 
Unfortunately, many times, this is reinforced by well meaning adoptive parents. 

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?"
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP?"
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?"

And those are the nails that seal shut the relationship door.
Those are the words that reinforce the label, "Unlovable, Undesirable, Unwanted".

How do we avoid that cycle?  How do we get PAST the TRAUMA DRAMA?

The good ole' brain MUST be RETRAINED to think differently.  It CANNOT AND DOES NOT  happen overnight, but it CAN BE RETRAINED and for success it MUST BE!
The important part of this is that, LOGICAL Consequences MANY TIMES HAMPER, getting in the way of real progress!  Why?  Because TRAUMA ISN'T LOGICAL. First off, STOP TRYING TO USE LOGIC!

I heard somebody say that their child said, "If you are bad around here, you get sent away!"  This made this person really angry at the child, because it caused FEAR in another child in the home.
So, the person felt like the child who said those words should be sent away.  ????
I will not pretend that their situation is easy.  But wouldn't sending the child away REINFORCE EXACTLY what that child said and give CREDENCE to the statement they made to the other child?

Apparently consequences for unwanted behavior were not working.  In fact, the more they DON'T work, and the MORE you try to ENFORCE them, the worse things get... and for the TRAUMATIZED CHILD, that is EXACTLY where their comfort level is.  YES! Their comfort level is CHAOS!  So I ask, if your child is really struggling, and you are really struggling, "How are all those consequences working for you? "

God does NOT use Logic with us!   We sin; the wages of sin is death, so He sent His SON to die for us.  WHAT?  That seems ILLOGICAL!  That seems like not making somebody have a consequence! BINGO! YES, you are RIGHT!  And guess what happens!  OUR LIVES are changed because GOD Gave HIS Son!
Our Children's lives will change, when we lay OUR lives down and LOVE them, as GOD has loved us.
We need to SPEAK words of LIFE into our children.  We need to tell them they are lovely, when they feel unlovely.  We need to tell them they are kind, when it doesn't seem so.  We need to tell them they are obedient, when they are rebellious.
Let me explain. 
"I know that this behavior is not the real you!  The real you, that I see deep down inside doesn't want this! The REAL you is kind, and sweet..... That is the person I see!" "I see a LOVELY girl just waiting to come out!"  "I'm excited for you!"

It is AMAZING how such statements can turn a sullen, disrespectful child into a pile of pliable, teachable, clay. :)    Just as God loves us, his children, and says, "You were once dead, but now you are alive.  You were once thieves, drunkards, liars....but now you are honest, sober minded, truthful"(my paraphrase)

Last week when Alli and I stayed home together, this is exactly what I did.  And then we switched gears immediately.  "Alli, would you like to help me with a project?"
Her answer was YES!  And we spent the day working on my closet, having a great time. We laughed and talked and enjoyed each other.

I COULD have punished her attitude by putting her in time out, which would have created more chaos and then I COULD have piled more punishment to compound that "attitude"....I COULD have threatened to take away things.....because she was being disrespectful.  But I KNOW that those things do NOT work for her.  She gets STUCK and is STILL LEARNING the process to get out of the funk she works herself into. 
Instead, I worked on retraining her brain to change gears and STOP the drama.

Guess what?  We have had a FANTASTIC week, and then this a.m. happened.  We were getting ready to go somewhere and she couldn't find the right shoes for the outfit she was wearing.  She wanted to borrow somebody else's, and they didn't want her to.  It was a PERFECT set up for her to work on what she has learned.
She tried to work out in her head the outcome.  I offered her a few ideas for shoes and she rejected them.  And then, I said, "I know you will work it out!"    She knew exactly what I meant. 

And about 5 minutes later she emerged from her room with a smile and her own shoes on.  There was no drama, no anger, no fit, nothing! YEA!
That is when Mike and I both grabbed the opportunity to praise her efforts for a job well done!
I think she was pretty proud of herself too. :)

Alli is learning how to navigate life at a higher level this year than last.  Last year, she was  like a sea tossed vessel, driven from all directions, lost ..... Things began to shape up GREATLY over the year and she began to celebrate and love her life. 
She has been AWESOME!
This year, we have set new goals of personal self control where she puts into practice what she has learned.   And it is happening!  I am seeing a little butterfly emerge and flap her wings. :)