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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Processing The Weekend......



We left last Friday for Oklahoma, so that Alli could be reunited with her Russian Sister. 
Alli, her sister and brother we all adopted 4 years ago from Russia, and brought to America but things didn't go so well. :(   Alli's adoption was disrupted after much turmoil. 
Today, Tatyana is also on her own.  

Our visit however DID go well!
Both of these girls are amazing, strong girls. I am so thankful, that they were able to reunite and that they will have a relationship for the rest of their lives.

I feel as though we have added another daughter, with Tatyana.  She is a sweet heart, and she and Alli have a lot of the same traits.   It was so fun to just watch them compare fingers and toes, and talk about the same likes.... or have the same types of responses when language came into play.  :)

I am so proud of both of them.

Some thoughts about this weekend have come to mind. 
I think sometimes as adoptive parents, even with the best of intentions,  we have preconceived ideas about who our children will be and what they will be like. 
That is a dangerous thing, because our children are not blank slates. They come with personalities and behaviors that formed long before we met them. 
We cannot change them!
But we CAN guide them and tweak those behaviors that are too strong, or too active,  in the right direction.

Our children come to us with behaviors that are based upon survival.  They cannot just shut that off and become what our dream of them would be. We need to love who THEY are!
Instead, we need to support the child that comes to us, because I promise, they have a LOT to bring into our lives to enrich and teach US.

As adoptive parents we need to EXPECT to be challenged by our OWN behaviors, our own thoughts, our own expectations, our own failures, and our own selfishness... our own sin.  That 3 fingers pointing back thing that tells us .... we still have a long ways to go in this life, in the area of loving acceptance, will help us to stay on our knees and know that we cannot do this on our own. We need the loving hand of our Heavenly Father to lead and to guide us.

If you are struggling, don't isolate yourself! Reach out for help.... But reach out to those who are doing well and succeeding! Go to those conferences that are offered, connect! 
Go to the online classes! Join the proper support group!  ( I say proper because you don't want to belong to a misery loves company group)
And trust the Lord that He is at work in YOUR life, just as much as he is at work in the life of your child.

4 comments:

TheCoffeys said...

Amen! There was one support group that I remember reading that really scared me to death! I dropped them right away!

Christie Minich said...

Yes, support groups should never be "misery loves company" type groups. They need to have purpose, direction and goal.
And they need to be positive and compassionate; always looking for success!

Run from groups that just spew bitterness or are angry at their lives. They will not help.

Annie said...

I also happened on a group that was negative to the core and seemed to ENCOURAGE negativity. It broke my heart because I knew there was so little hope for the families and the children whose parents had attitudes like those. I guess people feel ashamed, like failures, but they take the easy way out by blaming the children. I don't mind that so much if they are willing to disrupt, but I mind it a lot when they just seem to keep the child around to torment. My friend and her husband tried to adopt a twelve year old girl from a disruption; she spent several weekends and a week with them....they were ready! Then "mom" changed her mind... They had adopted this child as a "companion" for their bio-daughter, who didn't enjoy her "new friend", and the little girl was treated as a second-class citizen. She was the scapegoat; she had a tiny room without any particular decoration, while her sister had the master suite all decorated to her specifications. Sister went to private school. Adopted child went to public school. Sister went to horse camp; adopted child stayed home alone. It was nasty - but mom "couldn't part with her". Only in the various conversations she revealed fear of what "others would think". Neighbors, people at work. So, I think - demonize them, if you must, but let them go.

Christie Minich said...

Annie, in our group discussion last night, there were tales of "support groups" gone bad. :( They were negative and included forcing 3 year olds to do pushups as punishment. Made my heart ache. :(

I know of 2 situations right now that are similar to how you have described this other child. Those words also hit home for me with one of our other children. :( She still remembers....

I think you are right.... IF a parent is unwilling to parent. IF they are unwilling to love, then they need to give the child a chance at love. It isn't about them. It is about the child.

I honestly don't understand it, and have written many times about it.... "Adoption Disruption and Thoughts I can't express volumes 1,2 and 3.
I don't get how as parents we can be so angry and punitive that we will punish a child.... by not wanting them, and also force them to remain in a home without love.
It just makes no sense, unless we are so narcissistic that how we "look" is more important that a child's life. :(

It is awful to see.

I hate it that our girls were treated so. :(
And I HATE it that 2 girls I know of right now are sadly being treated so. :(

So, yes, IF a parent is incapable of loving.... PLEASE LET THEM BE LOVED! Don't demonize them....

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