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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Struggle A BCLC Moment Part 2

This post is a follow up to my post earlier today about STRUGGLE.

There is ALWAYS something behind a behavior.
I think as a society we spend so much time trying to manage symptoms (behaviors) and not the root causes (real reasons).
So we scold or punish and the real reason is never dealt with.

In our own over reactions, which are BTW, REACTIONS, not root causes, we wind up having to deal with ourselves! LOL
Classic over reactors, reacting to classic over reactors is just a difficult mix! :)
Sometimes, we have to deal with our own "fears" that are underlying... before we can deal with our children's behaviors. :)
Sort of like, take the PLANK out of your own eye before you try to remove the speck from your brothers.
I wrote about Alli's meltdown this a.m.  But I wanted to follow up with how we disciple after the fact.
What is it that we do that helps bring about change?  If a behavior is unacceptable, what do we do to help correct that behavior?
I know that many people use "punishment" or "threat" to control behaviors.
I do not wish to simply "control" behaviors, but help bring about PERMANENT CHANGE in behaviors!
This requires MORE time and effort!
It is EASY to just dish out a consequence! "You are grounded for a week!" or "You lost your cell phone or computer time!"
These types of "consequences can be effective for some kids, totally DESTRUCTIVE for others; but I find them to be unnecessary."  WHY?
Because they are not really dealing with the ROOT.  They are reacting to the symptom.

The ROOT is based in FEAR, HURT and REJECTION!
If we deal with the SYMPTOM.... the blatant behavior.... we will never get to the root. We will only bring shame.
So HOW do we deal with the root issue?
VERY CAREFULLY!
First, we talk during a CALM time, not at the heat of the moment!
We affirm our love, and make sure our child is secure!  WE DO NOT MOCK! WE DO NOT USE SARCASM! WE DO NOT SHAME!   These reactions are SELFISH and have a feel of "getting back".
We WORK TOWARDS Wholeness and Relationship at ALL TIMES!

Scripture states that "A soft answer turns away wrath!"  It is TRUE!  Using a soft tone, and a loving voice, with encouraging words, is a balm on the wounded soul.

Today, as Alli and I drove in the car, we talked about what had happened earlier in the day.  She NEEDED my acceptance of her as a person, which I gave freely.  We then discussed how we could have done things differently.
She was able, in a secure environment, (no judgment) to answer that question.
She was encouraged to remember that we love her and ONLY want what is best for her.
I was FRANK with her, but in a very loving tone.  It is NOT OK, to be disrespectful! We need to be respectful to mama.  ( I do say WE, because then she doesn't feel singled out)
We need to remember to pray when we are anxious, and PLEASE tell Mama how you are feeling!
I UNDERSTAND~! I want to help!

We had the radio on in the car when we were talking, and Alli overheard about the 85 car crash that happened in Ohio, in which a 12 year old girl had perished.   She said, "Oh mama, If you had died in a crash, and I had not made things right, I would never, EVER forgive myself!"
That was an opportunity for me to say to her.... "That is why God tells us to be kind to one another! To speak to each other in LOVE! He wants us treat others how We want to be treated!
Of course we all want to be treated well!  We need to treat others well; Especially our mamas! :)
"Miss Alli, we need to live our lives with no regrets!"  That means, we need to take seriously how we speak to one another, and if we are wrong, ask for forgiveness!

Discipleship is an ongoing teaching in TRUTH.  It doesn't have to be after any particular incident.  It should be,  just normal conversation!  You can use analogies, bible stories, life experiences to TEACH your child about life.
 IT WORKS! 
Children, when they begin to feel secure and know they are loved, respond positively to the encouragement  and knowledge we pass on to them. :)
Asking a child, "How can we do things differently next time?" can bring on a conversation about life skills that will last them well into adulthood.
Parenting our children with determination towards healing is SO IMPORTANT!

Discipleship LEADS them to LIFE  and encourages them to gain knowledge!
Punishment leads to shame.

YES! They need to be responsible and "grow up"..... but the method in which we achieve that,  is just as important as the "growing up!" :)
Shaming leads to stagnation.
Encouragement leads to positive change! :)

3 comments:

Aus said...

I so "get that"! I'm a classic "reactor" and it's been a struggle for me to "learn" the BC model - call me a "work in progress".

But I will second your thoughts about "living life w/o regrets". I average a job related "close one" about once every three years, been hospitalized once or twice over them, held hostage once, you get the idea. Our family learned early on that there are no warranties - you get what you get - and knowing that makes learning the BC model much more important!

But it makes it more rewarding too!

hugs - continue in a like and similar manner!

aus and co.

Ezra's Mama said...

I can't remember how I stumbled onto your blog, but I've been reading for a month of so. I'm "delurking" to say... thanks for writing. I'm a mama to two biological sons, 3yrs old and 7 mo old. So they don't have the background issues that your girls have. But I still find myself struggling to learn patience, and to not be a "reactor".

I think I wish we lived closer ... I'd love to hang out in your home a glean some of your wisdom :)

Kristi

Christie Minich said...

Welcome to my blog Kristi! I hope you find it to be a place of love and solace. :)
Thanks for reading and commenting!

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