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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

IT'S ANNIVERSARY TIME!


It is Alli's big Anniversary time. She has SO MANY anniversaries, they are hard to keep up with, but her birthday is just around the corner, and our coming together is not much further away.  So, of course, that internal clock is ticking LOUDLY!

We had another  incident last night with some bossiness that I have not seen since August!
I expected that old behaviors would come back to visit, and was surprised that they didn't at Christmas time!  
My fingers were crossed for Birthday time..... but they are uncrossed now. LOL

I handled the bossiness very much like I did in my last post.... and when things were calm, she did ask, "What am I doing wrong?"  Sometimes when our kids get in a funk, they don't recognize it.... ESPECIALLY if it has to do with more abstract things like tone.

So we sat together and I told her very matter of factly what she was doing wrong about her bossiness. I used humor to demonstrate it.  Her response was, "I don't sound like that!" 
Ummm. yes dear, you do! :)

I mentioned the incident earlier  where she shut down, and told her that these behaviors have not been around to visit us in quite a while! Can you tell me what is going on in your heart?
As we spoke, I mentioned to her that it is normal to be anxious sometimes. 
"Can you tell me what is on your mind?"
At first she said, no.  We waited a few minutes and then she said yes.

She spoke quietly, with her head down.... "I've been thinking about my other brother and sister all day.  I miss them.  And then she began to cry.... And I've been thinking about my mama.
Of course, our family is so weird, I had to ask, "Which one?" After All, I'm number FOUR!  :)
She looked at me and smiled .... "My first mama, in Russia."

I took her in my arms and said, "Of COURSE you are thinking about them!" 
"It is close to your birthday and you came from your mama's body!  It is where your little life began! I am so thankful that you were born!"
"I want you to know, IT IS OK, to love them!"  "IT IS OK TO LOVE THE MAMA WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!" 
"Your birth mama was an alcoholic, and had many problems, but that does not mean she didn't have love for you!" "Of course she did!"
(Alli has several precious memories of time with her birth mama, cooking, watching her mama by the stove, and walking."
She cried a little bit.  I felt this was a good time to share with her the little bit of information I received a few weeks ago from her first adoptive family.  I had been hoping for a little more information before I shared, but it didn't come.....

I let her know that they are not angry with her, and are very happy that she is happy.
This gave her some much NEEDED relief, because she has hung onto guilt for a long time over her first adoptive family.  The loss of her brother and sister has been great. :(   I pray that at some point, they will be able to exchange letters or even meet.  I pray that when they are all adults, they will be able to reunite in a healthy way.
I TOTALLY understand and respect the first family's need for privacy.  We have needed that privacy too!  But I do pray that at some point, a letter can be sent.....or pictures exchanged. 

After our talk last night, we went through the plans for her upcoming birthday, and what to expect. We talked about the good in her life and how sometimes we can get overwhelmed dwelling on the past, which we cannot change. 
Looking to the future and making the best of the life we have to live, is the best direction for success.
When we give our lives to the Lord, we are RIGHT where he wants us to be!  We can't go forward and see what is ahead, looking in the rear view mirror! :)

Life is a journey.  Alli is like a small rose bud that is just beginning to unfold.   I am excited for her, and the life she has ahead of her. I am proud to be a part of it.  
There are days when we struggle together to keep our eyes on the goal. But through those struggles we learn to be strong.

Yesterday, as we were talking, she mentioned that at 12 years old, you have barely even begun to live your life!  Such wisdom!  She is right.... And we talked about how much of a wonderful life is ahead of her. 
She then revealed to me another little worry.  She had read in an Ewitness Book about being a crime detective, (she likes Nancy Drew), she read about how there was a man who's father was a convict and the son was also a convict....and the book inferred that the son was because his father was...as if it was inevitable.  She was VERY worried about this for obvious reasons!

I told her that some of those opinions are simply Philosophical opinions, NOT based in TRUTH, just some observation.  Just because you were abused does not mean you will abuse.  Just because your parents were alcoholics does not mean you will be an alcoholic. Just because somebody is a thief, it does not mean their child will also be a thief!
These are MEN's Ideas! 
BUT GOD..... is in the business of intervention! He is in the business of taking us from the path we are on; one leading to destruction, and placing us on the path of life! He is in the business of turning us around! 180's!
We are ALL capable of walking a path of destruction, including those who come from GOOD homes where there was no addiction or abuse! 
Choosing a different way, making that decision NOW, will lead to a very different circumstance!
CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT REGRET!!

She asked me, "Mama, what do you think I'll be like when I grow up?"
I replied, "I think your are going to be a wonderful and outstanding mama! You are already showing wonderful qualities when you are around little children.  And I think you can do whatever you set your mind to!"
It is TRUE.....  And TRUTH sets us free. :)

3 comments:

Aus said...

Practical stuff first - your blog formatting is occasionally dumping pictures over the link to leave comments...which for a guy like me is tough - I love to comment so you know you're never alone!

On to trauma etc - I was reading "Parenting the Hurt Child" last night, can't think of the author, but there was a section on parenting techniques that are doomed to fail with 'hurt kids' (and i'll argue that ALL adopted kids fit in the "hurt" catagory - that all share a common trauma of loosing in whatever manner their birth family). The idea, of course, is for parents to attempt to understand "why" their child is acting in a particular way so that the parent can temper their internal "anger / angst / whatever you want to call it" when the child is lost their "grounding" (or again - whatever you want to call it!).

But the thought was this...with most kids there is a desire to please the parent. With "hurt kids" there is "anger", anger at having lost their birth family / culture / language / basically everything they "started with". that anger may even be based on "pre-verbal" trauma. But the kids are human - and all humans when angry want to exert control of any kind over their world. And typically we do that by making our significant other angry as well. Hurt kids "want" their parents to be angry with them so that they can justify their own anger / lack of bonding / and FEAR OF LOVING! Because everything that child first loved - left them.

what insight into our kids - and the need for trauma parenting. Great stuff - proud of you guys and your kids - keep on keepin on!

hugs - aus and co.

Christie Minich said...

Hi Aus,
I believe the author of that book is Gregory Keck?
I totally agree. There are several books out there, and camps that lead people to a dead end with their children and I find the methods disturbing and damaging!
I cannot tell you how many people we have run into who become high control, drop and give me 50, drill sargents who wind up hating themselves, despising the children and the entire family goes into despair.
It is heartbreaking.
Everything is angry.....
This is something I HATE! I can use that word...I HATE that you hang a sign and calls yourself a counselor just because you have a piece of paper that says you took the classes.
There are many out there who are very helpful and I am thankful for them, especially Heather Forbes, Karyn Purvis, Eric Guy, and Bryan Post....
They all bring valuable information.
I have found valuable information with those I do not agree with also.... but it is really hard to read a book and have to wade through the information that you KNOW can cause severe damage. I do think that some of these people are on the side of the fence that kids can't heal. And that makes me so very sad.
Sometimes healing takes longer, but if we as parents give up, or give in to the idea that nothing will ever change.... well, it won't. :(
Or maybe that change will happen when they are out from under us.
Parenting MUST come from the heart, and if we want to see changes in our children, WE must become that change for them.
I dont' know about the land down under, but America, the land I love, is in turmoil regarding the family. :(

On the technical thing..... How does a picture wind up on the comment section? It is supposed to pop up in a separate window. Is that not happening?
Is it something I can fix or a blogger problem?
Thanks as always for your kind words. :)

Christie Minich said...

I just changed the format.... Can yo let me know if this is helpful? Thanks in advance. :)

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