FIVE YEARS OLD??? SAYS WHO???

I remember when I was a young mother reading parenting books. One in particular stated that if a child isn't Disciplined and correction in place by the age of FIVE years old, it would be a huge problem.  They inferred "it is too late".
This person said the personality and character of a child are developed by FIVE!

I cannot tell you how WRONG THIS IS!

The personality a person has THEY ARE BORN WITH! 
The trauma they experience may certainly have a huge effect on them, but that is not because they are OVER or UNDER FIVE years of age and FIVE is NOT this magical age where somebody is able to change if they are under five, or not if they are over five.  This kind of GARBAGE information is damaging to Children, and ESPECIALLY damaging to waiting orphans whose future parents might decide against adopting somebody older.

Consider the scripture:SAUL became the Apostle PAUL in his adulthood and his life changed forever.
ALL of the disciples were over FIVE!
Doubting Thomas, doubted no more!
Mary Magdalene was changed inside and out!
The demoniac was delivered and changed!
Abram became Abraham!
There are TOO MANY life changes to mention!

So why would somebody say FIVE is the magic age?  I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW!

Children are children and THINK like children.  They are NOT mini adults.
If they have been neglected and abused, those life experiences will certainly have an affect upon them whether they are 6 months or 6 years; but it is NOT OVER at FIVE!

Adopting older children has been one of the most rewarding things in our lives!  Watching our daughters go from NEGLECT/FEAR to NURTURE/LOVE...... Amazing!

We have had a wonderful day today just watching them blossom.  They played, created and just had such a great day.

I do not understand how ANYBODY could say that an older child cannot change.  

NOT ONLY CAN THEY.... We have FOUR in THIS household from ALL DIFFERENT backgrounds, countries and traumas,  who are THRIVING!

It is NOT LUCK... IT IS NO ACCIDENT.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE HEALS, UNCONDITIONALLY!

To Encourage You

While our own past affects our future,  our children's past effects THEIR future.... but the GOOD NEWS is that the past does not DETERMINE what our future will be!  OUR FUTURE NO MATTER OUR PAST can be HAPPY, FULL, RICH IN LOVE and ABOUNDING IN GRACE and MERCY.  We CAN have close relationships, close friendships and STABILITY!

Karyn Purvis wrote, "We need to cling to the truth that NO LIFE is TOO BROKEN, NO PAST  TOO IMPERFECT, NO HEART TOO WOUNDED, for our loving God to redeem, and begin to heal.  Jesus extended the invitation, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.'  Matthew 11:28 "

I say AMEN!


Support group tonight. :)  I hope everybody brings something to share!

We're A Bit Nutty Around Here!

I roasted these babies today! :)  Oh the aroma smells SO GOOD!

I started roasting my own nuts because I could guarantee no gluten.  But NOW I roast them because they are SO MUCH TASTIER than store bought roasted nuts.

It is REALLY easy too!
Spread raw nuts on jelly roll pan
Drizzle with olive oil
Sprinkle with sea salt

Put in oven at 300º  and stir every 5 minutes for 15-25 minutes depending upon how done you like your nuts.  I prefer the longer time because they just release such a nice aroma.

Ummm.  Somebody was feeling EXTRA NUTTY! LOL

AWESOMENESS!

Today was an AWESOME DAY! 
It seemed that from the time we got up.... ALL WAS WELL!  HORRAY!
Tomorrow we head back to Houston to get Alli's new Russian Birth Certificate with our name on it!
She is also going to get her passport updated.
BUT.... she has a cold sore on her lip.  She was really worried that somebody would think it wasn't a cold sore but that somebody had punched her.

I HATE it that our kids have to feel so worried.
I reassured her that nobody would think that.  We will get passport pictures taken in the a.m.
BUSY DAY AHEAD!
Three girls want to go.... one is going to relish her time with dad, and the QUIET. :)

The New Room Mates

ADOPTION or ATTACHMENT ( And the Mama Factor)

I wrote yesterday about our weekend.  I wanted to write in more detail today about how some of it could have been avoided, and also about why I am GLAD it wasn't. :)

We really worked through some underlying "stuff" and I really do want to share some insight I gained.

Attachment issues and Adoption issues are NOT the same!  They are NOT!  While some of the behaviors one sees popping out COULD be similar, HOW you handle them will determine your success or not.  They CANNOT be handled the same.
That would be like changing the radiator out when your real problem was the alternator.  Different!
They are both part of the engine. They both cause the vehicle to not work... but the solution is DIFFERENT.

For the child who has had a trauma background, like ours, change is hard.  They will interpret that change VERY differently according to their past experience AND according to HOW they understand the interpretation of that experience.
(meaning, little kids have things happen to them, and they don't know why, so they come up with something for it to make sense)

Our girlies are no longer little. They are all teenagers now. 
I have been prepared for a LONG TIME for the cycle, the processing of interpreting old experiences, to come up and visit again. THIS IS NORMAL!  We ALL begin to rethink and reinterpret our early childhoods at some point.
As we begin to develop our own ideas and thoughts, and contemplate more mature ideas about life, life issues COME UP! 
I LOVE THIS STAGE OF PARENTING..... It is like watching a butterfly freshly coming out of the cocoon and just beginning to spread it's wings. It hasn't taken off or flown yet, it isn't ready.  But it is getting ready! :)
It is when you can really TALK, and girls do love to talk. :)  You can sit on the bed and gather them all around, tell them stories of your own childhood, and they can share stories about theirs; and then giggle, laugh and cry.
These talks are talks of healing and understanding ; they are rich AND fun.

Yesterday Miss Alli got hooked on talking.  She LOVES telling and hearing funny stories.  "Please mama, tell another one!"  This is GOOD, HEALTHY communication!

Why I titled my post Adoption or Attachment is because over the weekend we had some behaviors that were over the top on the absurd side. 
I was seeing them as "controlling".  I was seeing them as "disrespectful".  I was seeing them as "defiant". 
What I WASN'T seeing was that I was the PROBLEM!  Yes, ME!

The issues were NOT attachement related. Our girls are attached. They love us. They have expressed this in MANY ways. They CARE for us, they are GLAD they are here! 
The issues though very MUCH had to do with disrupted lives... NUMEROUS foster placements or adoptive placements. 
The funny thing is, I can TOTALLY IDENTIFY.... We moved SO MUCH when I was younger, several times in a year sometimes.... that I didn't feel settled. 
Now, Imagine if that move included new family too!
While my girls knew they were just moving down the hall, they had not been given TIME to process it as they should have been. Things felt out of control for them. Just as when they had NO choice and NO warning, and were just "moved".
THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE. They are NOT STUCK.... they are at this point in the process.
It took me MANY YEARS to not start packing at a 6 month mark of a place that I lived and start looking for new apartments.  It made no sense.... or did it?  To the one who hadn't been through all the unprepared moves ( we learned how to move in literally hours)  they wouldn't have understood.
My husband lived in the same house for most of his growing up years. The thought of moving was so foreign to him. LOL

So, for the girls, underneath the understanding that they were moving to the next room, was that forboding  feeling of impending doom.  And I had not prepared them.  "Moving day!" I said Happily!
How could I have been so stupid!

We pressed on to finish.  We want them to change up roommies now and then to learn to live with each other in closer quarters.  That was NOT the issue. 
The issue was lack of preparation.

So, their ugly popped out and so did mine.  What I found was, as they were spiraling, I started to do the same thing.
NEVER a good idea. :)
I found myself being "controlling" to try to control the out of control, instead of STOPPING and regrouping; getting to the source of the issue and then  dealing with it peacefully.

While Alli was painting her dresser, I was busy cleaning behind the other big dresser and in the process moved it, without our other daughter's permission.  I also moved the book case. And then, she came in and started to cry.  "Now my posters aren't right!"  And I said, "well, why don't you move your posters?" duh...
"Why are you crying?"  "Moving a dresser is just not a big deal!" 
Well, if it wasn't a big deal, why was "I" making it one?  Control.....

As a child, we never decided where anything went. It just was.  And you know what? I didn't like it! And even though I didn't like it,  the change of furniture that didn't seem a deal to me. But it was a HUGE deal for my daughter.  Why did that bother me? Why did I then make it a deal?  Maybe it was my own issue coming back to haunt ME.

I went to pray and regroup..... I went and talked to Mike.  And then, I went back and told my daughter.  "You know, this is your room, not mine.  You can put your furniture the way you like it. If you want it to be where it was, that is ok. "
 Now, that last scenario had nothing to do with adoption OR attachment, that had to do with MY ISSUE.... and it resolved when I dealt with my own sin.
One thing we did talk about later,  was HOW to handle a problem when you are overwhelmed.
We came up with some ideas together.  Instead of "You covered my posters on purpose!"  How about, "Mama I like the dresser the way it was, better." :) 

Later, I took my daughter's one at a time into my room to talk.  And what happened was nearly miraculous.  Things my Anna,  wouldn't talk about before, started to pour out.  Memories of being moved and leaving behind precious things.  Memories of being unprepared for moves.... BINGO.... they would just come and get her.
SHE KNEW LOGICALLY she was staying HERE.... it wasn't about that. It was about the HURT she felt as a little child, being controlled, not being allowed to be a child growing up in a stable environment... not being able to stay anywhere. She didn't know why.

I was able at that time to piece together for her a timeline of events and why some of those moves took place.  We had a very grown up conversation as we rocked in the rocker and snuggled.
She made it VERY CLEAR that she loves us. She feels SECURE with us.  This was NOT about THAT..... :)
It was more about feeling "fake".... "like I had another life and while I'm happy living this one.... that other one isn't gone."  Very mature thoughts. :)
I can SO UNDERSTAND THIS..... I had another life too.  I had a different family too.  I was divorced. When I was newly remarried, I felt the same way. I was in a new state, new friends, and many people didn't know.    God uses the ugly things in our lives for such good.
I was able to share with my Anna that it is ok for people to not know. Or, if you want to tell them, that is ok too.
She said something quite funny.  "Mama, most of our friends and so many people at our church have adopted, it seems more like adopted is normal and being born into a family is more unusual!" LOL

So how would I handle an adoption issue, vs. and attachment issue differently?
Attachment has to do with RELATIONSHIP.  That is all about working on connecting with each other.  To talk about how we relate, or how we feel about having parents or sisters or even being in a family. It would have had nothing to do with what was going on in her heart.  I would have missed the Forrest for the trees!
Adoption has to do with being placed in a family... kerplunk! It is like being from another planet and just being "PLACED" elsewhere.... she HAD a story and a life BEFORE....
She was hurting because of  past memory due to placements and finally adoption.
We had to talk about THOSE issues.  She NEEDED me  to know and NEEDED to tell me that she LOVES us and wanted to make very sure we knew that the issue was totally different. 
It would have been VERY frustrating for her, if I had only gone on to talk about our relationship and then did something like keeping  her by my side  ALL THE TIME  or PLAYING ATTACHMENT GAMES, or,  not allowing the play date we allowed yesterday.  It would have made ZERO sense!  Her issue was not about attachment!
Instead, we talked about what was on her heart.  We talked about her feelings and the processing of the information she had,  into a greater understanding at a more mature level.  She was also given permission to NOT have to feel like everything was  neat and perfect in her life.  NOBODY'S LIFE IS NEAT AND PERFECT!  I think it was really helpful for her to accept the ugly of her past, and to know that it was NOT HER FAULT....
She also learned that MANY kids struggle with the same issues and feelings.  Mom and Dad will always be here... ALWAYS, at any time to talk, and  to understand. 

Yesterday, a friend came over who also had a very similar background to my sweetie.
She is reading the book "Three Little Words" and can identify with much in the book.
I was telling her about our day the day before, and she very CLEARLY agreed that the issues are NOT the same.
She is a lovely lady.  For those of you who are dealing with difficulties.... my friend is a shining example of HOPE and HEALING and what the Lord can do in one's life.
She also stated that some things will always be with you. They are not up in your face all the time, but they are there.  You cannot relate to some life experiences because you NEVER experienced them and that is a reminder to you of your beginnings.
This friend also had a good relationship with her final family. She remembers doing things that made no sense, and make no sense to her today, except she was a hurting kid, and kids do NOT think like adults.... even older ones. :)

A few more thoughts on attachment:
When our girls were newly home, we didn't leave them with anybody. We didn't do too many outside things.  We kept things simple and scheduled.  We played hand games and sang songs.
Life was very structured, but not harsh or unkind. 

But for older kids, it is a little more complicated and different.  They NEED to have outside friendships and relationships.  It is NORMAL for them.  It seems to hold them back in this area and it can be damaging to your relationship, and cause a child to be very frustrated.
While they MAY BE very young emotionally, that doesn't mean they don't also have older kid feelings and angst. NOR does it mean they are going to STAY young emotionally.  Our kids are NOT STUCK.... they are growing.
Giving them the opportunity to explore a little in a safe environment is a good thing!  It seems some of the more "extreme" attachment parenting suggested by some can cause PROBLEMS in both relationship and also in self esteem.... constantly being reminded that "you are different!"

Three of our  girls, came home before the age of 8. Had they come home at 11, like Alli, they would have gone to Sunday School without us, not with us if that was their choice.  They would go to play dates without us, not with us once home for 3-6 months.  There has to be a sense of rationality when it comes to older children. 
Alli was 11 when she came home.  We handled things a little differently with her because she WAS older.  She was given the option of going to Sunday School. She preferred to stay with us for a while.
When she was beginning to blossom, I did allow her to go on play dates where I didn't stay.  She has some very good friends who love her. They know her story.  Giving her these opportunities helps her to feel "NORMAL" and she LEARNS from her new experiences.

OLDER child attachment happens very differently than with much younger children.
Going shopping!  Dinner dates!  Going for a walk, or just talking, facilitates attachment.  Getting to know them and sharing so they can get to know us, facilitates attachement.  No judgement... no "you did what?"  Just listening...  And yes, older kids still like the rocking chair. :)  But if they don't, that is OK.... we have to work with them where THEY ARE.
  
Just some thoughts. :)


I am so thankful that we NEVER STOP LEARNING... and WE NEVER STOP LOVING!

What I Learned....

This weekend was STRESSFUL and EDUCATIONAL....
It was educational, FOR ME.
I wrote in my previous two posts about change.  Both Mike and I felt it was time for a change for the girlies.  They have had the same room mates for a year and a half.
When the guys were little, we changed room mates every so  often so they would get used to being with somebody else and so that sibling relationships would thrive.  They seemed to like the changes,
and never really had a problem with that kind of change.

Add ADOPTION into the mix, and you have an entirely DIFFERENT story!

On Saturday, I figured we would have a great day.  Two of our girls DID.  Two others DID NOT!

Here is what I LEARNED.....

1.  IF I want to make changes.... give FAIR warning! TWO of our girls do not handle change well.
2.  Don't be surprised when issues come up because of something YOU STARTED!
3.  LOVE YOUR KIDS.... PERIOD.

Let me be very clear.  ALL of our girls LOVE each other, and they LOVE us.  I have no doubt about this.  But CHANGE is HARD..... HARDER than I expected it to be.  And I was WRONG in not preparing them better.

So, after a day of tears and trials.....
Everybody is fine.  I did not handle things perfectly.  But at the same time, I was able to have a VERY GOOD TALK with both of my sweeties, one at a time. 
They shared some very personal things on a level they have never shared before. I was able to comfort them and sympathize with their fears.  As we snuggled and talked, finding a common ground, I felt so comforted by the Lord, and by them too.

One of our precious  girl's words ministered comfort and peace to me last night.
She ministered to ME, when I thought I was going to be ministering to HER!

I  can kick myself for not preparing the girls before I started a new MAJOR project, and for not remembering that they are more fragile than I sometimes remember!  A move; even a move to the next room can be traumatic.

I talked to a friend today who has a background in foster/adoption due to her OWN experience as a child. I shared with her our weekend adventures and some of what our precious daughters shared with me.  She affirmed that much of what our sweeties said was right on.

There are BIG  differences between Attachment issues and Adoption issues.  I think sometimes they can be mistaken.
In talking with my daughters and then my friend, it became very clear to me today that some issues regarding Adoption may never truly go away.  They may possibly be something one carries the rest of their life. 
Adoption is NOT the NORM!  Most children are parented by their parents!  Adopted kids are very WELL aware that we are not their first parents. They can love us and be attached to us, and yet STILL feel that rejection caused from their past experience.
My friend today helped me understand that some things regarding the past, isn't always up front and in your face, but it is there.
The changes that I brought into our home over the weekend that were seemingly benign, were not so benign for some of our kids.
Instead, it brought up old wounds of being moved OVER AND OVER.....
How could I have been so insensitive?
UGH.....
I LEARNED something new...
I am so thankful that the Lord's mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING. :)
And THIS is Alli's COOL NEW DRESSER!  She say she now has the coolest dresser EVER! It went from Pink to Black. :)

RELAX and ENJOY!

For your sheer enjoyment! :)

CHANGE.... Part 2....

I wrote about the  CHANGE coming here. <----
Things are going really well. :)  Anna and Alli are over the change shock. :)
Some kids REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  These are two of them. But change is good, especially CONTROLLED change that can benefit them.
So the tears are over....
And now they have moved to acceptance with joy. :)

 Taking down and putting up!

 Working together and discovering cool new places to put things.  I told Miss Alli she can do morse code through the wall to Sarah. :)  They are just one door away. It isn't like we have a huge house! LOL

 And somebody is just Miss Cheery! :)

 Anna very kindly wrote this special letter to Miss Alli to welcome her into the new room.

Anna and Alli are going to do really well together! 
Proud of them all! :)

Tomorrow, there will be final pictures, I hope. :)

CHANGE.....

When Alli first came home 2 years ago, we moved ALL FOUR girls into our master bedroom, and we took a smaller room.
After 6 months, we knew she was ready to be in a regular room with Sarah. And the living arrangements have been the same ever since. 
Erika and Anna, Sarah and Alli.

When our guys were younger and at home we used to change the scenery every year or so.
Oldest with youngest, two older, two younger, two middle, first and third, second and fourth.....
Just so everybody could learn to live with everybody else.

That time has come for the girls, and the two who DO NOT LIKE CHANGE are  not too thrilled with the idea.  The two adventurers are just fine with change.

Honestly, I think it is for the best, as they really DO NEED to learn to live with different kinds of people.  And all four girls are VERY different.
They have different likes, different tastes in music. Some like to sleep with a light on, some not so.
Some go right to sleep and some don't.  Some read, some listen to stories... but all love each other.
They just are not so sure they can LIVE with each other. LOL

So, the experiment begins..... STAY TUNED!

Spring Break

We are in the midst of Spring Break and am I ever glad we decided to take it!  Sometimes we Homeschoolers can be a little too much "put your nose to the grind stone types".....
I know for sure, I needed a real break and so did the girls.

There were no plans really, but we HAVE kept to our normal schedule of getting up and going to bed as best we can.  Although, last night I did allow 1/2 hour later so they could watch the first 30 minutes of  the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.

Yesterday we went to the store, but when we got there, I started feeling weak.... almost flu like, and we had to go back home.  Sorry girls.  They handled that change VERY well! I know it was disappointing. :(
Today, I was much better and Anna found 2 dresses on sale for $8.50 each! 
Erika, Sarah and Alli went for a long stroll down the country road, and when they came back, Anna and I had chocolate chip cookies baked.

Today has been a wonderful day. 
Here are a few pictures from our day.

 The Black and White Girls

 Anna

 Miss Bo Peep : Alli LOVES doing dressup.

 The cat has enjoyed lounging with Sarah while she worked on Calligraphy

 Enjoying the use of the old table outside on the front porch.

 Erika relaxing.... watching "The Waltons".

So What Was YOUR First Memory????

A friend was visiting last night and asked our Anna, "What is your first memory of being home with your mama and daddy?"

Her reply... "I remember taking the seat belt in the car and threatening to hit my mama.....
OH How I remember that so well!  Funny.... that is one of my first memories of her too!
We had gone in the car to get groceries. Our sweetie took the seat belt that was in the middle and slung it at me saying.... "I want to HIT YOU!"
My answer was "Why would you want to do that?"
She answered, "Do you want to hit me?"
No...
"Just HIT ME!"

There was this back and forth dialogue about how I didn't have ANY DESIRE to hit her, and how she had GREAT desire to HIT ME, and BE HIT by me! :(
It was the very first time she and I were alone.  And I thought at that moment about the depth of her pain. "Could I really help her?" "ME Lord?"

I was a little surprised this was her first memory.... but that scene obviously resonated with her and she has remembered. 
That DAY was the first day of her healing journey.

Our friend asked, "So did your mama hit you?"
Anna shyly grinned and said, no.

I can't help but wonder what TONE would have been set in our home had I allowed her to hit me, OR, if I had actually obliged her wish for me to hit her; even in pretend!

I know a lady who's  earliest memories revolve around being struck.  She remembers them well.
They resonated with her.
However, as young as she was, she did NOT relate the striking with cause and effect. Why? Most likely because she was an infant and then a toddler!
She didn't connect the two issues; something she had done, with being struck.  And she remembers being confused, like "why did that just happen?" And she was frightened of her mother.

MEMORIES, good and bad,  of how we were parented can help us in forming strategies for our own families.  Keep the good, throw out the bad and IMPROVE upon the past. :)  This lady harbors no ill will towards her parents.  They were only repeating what their parents did to them.

BUT.... CYCLES MUST BE BROKEN and IT IS UP TO US TO BREAK THEM!  Don't settle for lazy parenting just because YOU survived! 
I am reminded of that STUPID facebook forward that goes around saying....
"In my day kids were beat and I was too and we all survived! So stop pampering your kids etc." (my paraphrase... it is actually much more ANNOYING!)
My thought when I have seen that go around is:  I wonder how many counselors' homes are being funded because of that kind of attitude!

We are responsible before the Lord to disciple our children in the LOVE and admonition of the Lord whether we were abused or NOT!  We are responsible to DO BETTER!
And these days, there is SO MUCH INFORMATION OUT THERE for struggling parents!
There is bad info.  But there is GREAT info. and it shouldn't be too hard to tell the difference.

If you need help..... WATCH THESE!<<----- LINKED They are Fantastic!  If you don't; watch them anyway! :)

REPENTANCE AND MOTHERHOOD

I don't know of any mother who goes into motherhood with ill intentions.  I don't know any mother who goes into motherhood NOT wanting to do her very best for her children!

Yet, EACH of us, no matter our age or how far we are into the journey of motherhood have GUILT over decisions we may have made, over convictions we once held and hold no more, or because we have woefully failed in our personal struggle with patience, kindness and gentleness.

Let's face it.... PARENT HOOD IS HARD!  As much as we love it.... It is HARD.

I was reading Sarah Mae's post today and was sent back to that time when I had a house full of toddler boys.  Each of them did the "toddler thing"..... Got out of bed, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to say goodnight one last time.  Each of them were put back to bed, sometimes not so patiently.... but one.... probably my most needy one didn't respond well to that.
He WANTED to be with me. He NEEDED me....  I NEEDED to fold laundry, and rest to get prepared for the next day of exhaustion.
My bright idea?  Instead of spending that extra snuggle time with him?  I put up 2 baby gates so he couldn't climb over the one I had already put up.  I left his door open, and allowed him to play quietly until he fell asleep..... but I DID NOT fulfill HIS NEED for me to be present with him.

(a basket full of boys)

And I have GUILT.  Because of  what I KNOW NOW.....At that time, I thought it was pretty clever.... And now, I feel like I was a miserable failure to him then.  Could my insight THEN have prevented his TEMPER TANTRUMS and FRUSTRATION that followed him into his 3's?  I guess there is no real way to know that.  But my gut tells me YES.

We all do the best with the information we have.  We carry into motherhood our past, our upbringing, what others have taught us, and what we know to be true in our hearts.
We carry our OWN baggage and GOD USES that baggage to teach us to trust him, slowly helping us unpack those bags and take upon ourselves, Christ. 

He Heals our hearts, our wounds, and if we LET HIM, HE TEACHES us a better way.... it is THERE, PLAIN TO SEE in scripture.... His love letter to us.

Guilt does not serve a purpose but to cause us heartache and grief and to focus on our own failures. 
REPENTANCE however, changes what we do and causes us to look forward, and DO BETTER, trusting in the ONE who can forgive, teach and guide!
Guilt stagnates us. REPENTANCE brings about change in us.

I have learned so much since I was a young mother to 4 little boys at the age of 24.  I wish I could raise them all over again. Those gates would have come down. I would have let the laundry go and studied them  a little more. 

I am so thankful for  what the LORD has taught me, THROUGH my boys and my girls!

WHEN WE THINK WE ARE RIGHT.......

A long time ago, when Miss Anna was around 6, I took her shopping with me.  She loved going to the store, and had become especially fond of bringing her own purse.  Daddy had made her an ID which said, "Mama's Helper" on it; and he had been giving her those fake credit cards that you get in the mail and usually throw away.

This particular trip, we had gone into Hobby Lobby to look for scrap booking stickers.  She found some she really liked and asked if she could purchase them herself.  Of course I said yes. She was getting allowance, and she was very excited about being a "big girl" making her first big girl purchase!

When it was her turn to place her items on the counter and pay for them, she smiled at me so proudly.... then the cashier told her that it would be $2.14.  She seriously looked at the cashier and said, "I'll be putting this on my charge today"; then she confidently pulled out one of those FAKE credit cards!
I could barely contain my laughter... but the cashier and I made eye contact and she packaged up her stickers and finished her transaction, which I then paid for.

When we got home, I had to explain to my sweetie that even though she thought she was VERY RIGHT, and she was even PROUD of her efforts to be a big girl, she was actually very wrongly informed..... Her credit cards were not REAL..... and she couldn't REALLY use them.  I explained to her that I didn't have the heart to tell her at that moment because she was being such a brave girl to buy her first stickers. 
But I had to set her straight on the issue, and she then payed me back for the stickers.

Our daughter was CONFIDENT in her thinking that her credit cards were real. 
But she was WRONG!

How many of us, in the process of adopting our children and trying to educate ourselves in how best to parent them, get WRONG information, then THINK we are VERY RIGHT in how we are parenting our children, only to find ourselves at the check out line with nobody to back us up.  We wind up in a very bad place, and our children are HURT because of WRONG information!

We READ a LOT of books and attended MANY classes before bringing our children home.  Some of those books we put in the REJECT.... and SOME we put in the ACCEPTABLE pile. 
Some we had to read more than once to get a good idea of what they were talking about.... and then still felt there was not enough good in the book to keep.
These books are from REPUTABLE "specialists and counselors" in the area of adoption!

Not every counselor gives good information and many times, I have found their information to be DEAD WRONG.
Worse, is when a parent does not educate themselves at all but BELIEVES they understand what SCRIPTURE has to say on a subject BASED upon FALSE TEACHING.

Yes, they go straight for the Proverbs STRIKING verses, think they have the interpretation down and then add to that a few books written by people who are on the extremely legalistic side of parenting and try it out on their newly adopted kids. 
The RESULT?  STAGNATION.  Sometimes even MORE TRAUMA than before, but most likely..... A BROKEN NON EXISTENT relationship that is based upon FEAR upon FEAR.  And it is HEARTBREAKING TO SEE.

PLEASE DON'T spank, yell at, or consequence your children into the ground!  There is a BETTER WAY to parent them.  And it WORKS! 
It does NOT lead them AWAY from the Lord... and they learn SELF DISCIPLINE!

DISCIPLE YOUR CHILDREN.... Come along side them and TEACH them.  Give them positive instruction, lead them by example!
Not every behavior a child comes home with is a SIN! 
Orphanage behaviors that are ACROSS THE BOARD COMMON are SURVIVAL SKILLS learned from NECESSITY.
These behaviors could include, tantrums, hoarding food, collecting all sorts of things, hiding food, lying, wetting, disorganized behaviors, lack of hygiene, extreme defensiveness, (fear of being rejected)  over emphasis on protecting oneself, lack of eye contact, trust, easily angered, easily distracted, bad food habits, wearing dirty clothes, hiding dirty laundry, or clean laundry, demanding things, begging for things in the store,  chewing with mouth open, not wiping hands, arguing, not understanding that their needs will be cared for, lack of trust...... and MORE!

Just as the person running from the bear that wants to eat him, reaches the safe cabin and locks the door......the adopted child's heart does not cease beating out of his chest.... he doesn't cease being AFRAID and NOT TRUSTING once he is in the safety of a new home!

TRUST TAKES TIME and RELATIONSHIP requires that we STUDY to KNOW OUR CHILDREN.
Don't assume that your children are just being naughty....
Behaviors that are common to children from extreme situations are common for a reason!

DON'T BUY INTO THE LIE that some groups give on EXTREME CONTROL.... HARSH TREATMENT... WITHHOLDING OF FOOD,  EXTREME EXERCISE or HOLDING POSITIONS...
There is no tender, gentle love in this.... and PLEASE DO NOT SPANK HIT YOUR CHILDREN!
It can cause irreparable damage to their spirit.  And in some cases, DEATH.

There is a famous PSYCHOLOGIST out there that says you "Break the Will" not the Spirit....
I disagree.....
I remember reading his book when our boys were little.... and All I could think of was.... "If I do what this book suggests, one of our boys would wind up dead."   He was our tender hearted boy, disguised in  tantrums and stubbornness.  I am SO GLAD THAT I THREW THAT BOOK OUT!

I WANT TO PARENT MY CHILDREN TO SUCCEED! NOT JUST SIT AROUND CATCHING EVERY THING THEY DO WRONG AND PUNISHING THEM FOR IT!

It is MUCH better to study them, find out what makes them tick and then  gently GUIDE the will to be in compliance.... Don't FURTHER BREAK down your child!  Breaking the WILL, CRUSHES THE SPIRIT!
Instead, remove your preconceived ideas about your child and LOVE THEM.

We can guide our children to better behavior choices by modeling the behaviors we want them to have.
We can sit down with them and encourage them... exort them, correct them, guide them all in tenderness and gentleness.
Sometimes they do not respond right away.... but I GUARANTEE they are listening!
And slowly but surely, they WILL follow!  And they will follow in LOVE and ADMIRATION!

Our Heavenly Father guides us ever so gently and patiently.  We can learn SO MUCH from the Word of God about raising our little ones.  

We can show our children the GOSPEL by LIVING it out for them, in front of them and in every area of our lives.
SHOW YOUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONAL, PATIENT, KIND, LOVE!
And you will be leading them to the Savior.  The one who can REALLY change  and heal their hearts.

ERIKA and SARAH

 I just wanted to write tonight about two very special sisters.  They have been through so much together and have known each other longer than we have known them. :)

The bond that they have together is precious and they have helped each other cope with difficult physical issues.

I remember when we found out that Erika's feet had to be amputated, she had Sarah's wonderful example to depend upon. She said, "I'll be like Sarah, only I'll have 2 prosthetics!

They have supported each other with unconditional love and maturity, beyond their years,  that amazes me. And they are WONDERFUL sisters to Anna and Alli. 

I have seen them give and give and give and give of themselves.  They are loving daughters, and we are so proud of them!

We are so BLESSED to be the Parents God chose, for our two little Ukrainian's who were always meant to be sisters. :)

At the hospital....

An Anna and Alli Funny

"Mom, not next weekend but the weekend after can you make blueberry muffins for breakfast?"
Sure.... but why not next weekend?
"Because I have kitchen duty that week.

LOL

Alli came in the house all hunched over.  I asked her, "are you ok?"  "Why are you bent over like that?  It isn't good for your back.  Can you show me how to stand straight?"  She straightened up one side but the other side was still hunched over.....

I said, "what is wrong with your shoulder?" 
She smiled and pulled out an egg that she was holding under her armpit!  She was wanting to see if she could hatch it. LOL

TRANSFORMING

                        
The last couple of days I have been contemplating life....not an unusual thing to do for me. :)
I was feeling a little tired, and starting to feel like I was in a bit of a "rut". 
I hadn't written in the girls' mom dad and me books for a while, and I didn't like that.  Some of my parenting was beginning to look a little on the LAZY side! 

Today, I decided as I was preparing for support group to just spend lunch time alone and read and pray.  I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH how REFRESHING that was!  Oh Wow!

And JUST WHAT I NEEDED was an encouraging word, which came from "The Connected Child".
We are going to be doing Chapter 9 tonight, and I am excited about it.  Chapter nine is about being PROACTIVE to make life easier with children who are struggling. 
I already had prepared for that so I moved ahead to Chapter 10.  It is on supporting healthy brain Chemistry, and then Chapter 11 is about Handling Setbacks.
BOTH of these chapters really ministered to my heart today. 

I was so encouraged that we are on the right path regarding nutrition, fish oil and nuts.  Healing CAN happen in a brain that is damaged by trauma.  I have known this, but it is the first time I read CLEAR, DISTINCT evidence from their own studies!

In Chapter 11, she is so encouraging.  She talks about setbacks children have and how we STAY THE COURSE!  (my wording)  She said to go back and look at where your child was when you started and then look at them now.  Are they calming easier? For increased lengths of time? Can you play a game with them?  Are they making warm eye contact?  Are they cooperating more? 

I began to think about EACH of our girls, where they came from and all that we have been through as a family.  Reading a blog post out loud to Mike this a.m. also brought to mind just how much progress we have made?
The questions asked in this blog post were heart wrenching to read, and we answered YES to MANY of them; no to a few.  It is a WORTH WHILE READ!<<---- link  Every adoptive family or potential adoptive family should read this. 

Putting it all in perspective today brought tears to my eyes as I contemplated my own life. :)
I am so happy.  My life is not normal. But I am so happy!  My girls are THRIVING and the LORD has been SO VERY GOOD TO US. 
We do have setbacks now and then.... me too.  But that is human nature.

Today,  I called the girls to me and  asked them a few questions:
(These are out of "The Connected Child" book.....)
1. When I was angry I used to........
     Now when I am angry I.......

2.  When I was sad I used to.......
      Now when I am sad I..........

3.  When I was afraid I used to.......
     Now when I am afraid I........

As we each answered those questions, ME included, I could see how the Lord was working in each of my girls' lives and in mine too. :)

We talked a little bit about grief and how sometimes it comes in cycles. We shouldn't be shocked or scared if we start feeling insecure or have memories come back, or waves of past pain. 
This is NORMAL, because we have not lived NORMAL....
I was more and MORE convinced today, of the ORCHESTRATION of our lives together by the Lord's hand.  We are in that TAPESTRY!  And the picture is BEAUTIFUL!

I decided to stop at the store on the way home and get some specific stickers that each girl would really like.  I also found 4 small, very cool, journals that will be different from the Mom Dad and Me books.  These are for me to write a specific verse or word of encouragement, and also to write down an awesome behavior I noticed, and then place a sticker on the page.  It is NOT a reward book.... just a book of acknowledgment for them to keep.  I pray that they memorize the scriptures and that the words I write encourage them to press on to new heights of love and wholeness!


It has been a good day. I can't wait to share tonight at support group what I learned today. :)
I'm loving the path we are on.  God is in the business of transforming lives.... and for those of us on this journey; we are transformed too. :)

HELP!

I need to make a PAGE with drop down menu for posts I want to remove  from my side bar so things don't look so "cluttered".  
Does anybody know how to do this? 
I do the pages thing in layout, but there is no drop down.....
Help please. :)

News from the Coffeys!

The Coffey family has some wonderful news!  Check out their blog!<-----link

THE OVERCOMERS

LUNGING 10 STEPS FORWARD!

Sarah has a weaker muscle in her limb challenged leg.  Alli has a weaker arm on her left side, so they have devised a girl wrestling an exercise plan where Sarah pushes against Alli's arm with her leg and Alli pushes against Sarah's leg with her arm and somehow, this is supposed to help improve things.

I'd say it is at the very least, FUN!



You can read about 3 steps backwards here. :)

Conference Session part 2

This is my talk at the conference.  It is the second session.

COMMUNICATION: A Foreign Language

 Imagine yourself moving to a new country where NOBODY speaks your native language.  Television is in another language. You stare at the news commentator and hear all these foreign sounds coming out, and you do not understand ONE THING he is saying!
You turn on a cartoon to relax and the very same thing happens.
You turn on the radio to listen to music and you hear the tune and the harmony, but you don't understand the words.
(Many of us have experienced this going to another country to adopt)

As time goes on: days, weeks, months, you begin to forget your own native language. You haven't heard it much, and you are concentrating SO HARD to try and figure out this new language; and beginning to catch on with phrases and sounds that you didn't know existed before.

You are even starting to communicate quite well in "conversational language" such as, "Hi, how are you!" "May I go outside?"  "Yes, please pass the potatoes!"  "Thank you"....etc.

But deeper thoughts, thoughts you REALLY need to share, and really wish to convey remain frustratingly locked in your mind, unable to get out because there are no words to express them.
You may begin to feel pent up frustration or rage and feel like you are going crazy!

And then.... it is that moment where you are upset because you can't express your feelings,  you explode with the strongest language you can come up with.  It ISN'T what you really want to say.
So it doesn't make sense and you KNOW it doesn't.
But to save your dignity, not wanting anybody to know that you REALLY DO NOT understand all they think you do,  you stop trying to express what you cannot.

Even in the most caring of homes where parents understand communication issues, it can be so frustrating to try and work through these issues. 

On the parents side of this, they are trying to help you communicate.  They are trying to explain in ENGLISH, and offering more words, explaining each meaning.  The more they try, "in the moment", the more frustrated you get.
And then you just say, "NEVER MIND!"
But parents don't want to hear "Never Mind"....they want to keep on trying to understand.
And then you let the H BOMB go.... "I HATE YOU!"   That is the strongest thing you can say to express your frustration.  And those words pierce the heart of your parent.....even when they know it was said in the "heat of the moment"..... They pierce your heart too.... because you just epically failed!
And you see their pain....
Then you feel shame.  And you don't really know how to express that very well either.

You feel like your parents are dissatisfied with you  all the time because of your "tone"; even though you know they are only trying to HELP you with it.
Maybe they are trying to help too much.... maybe. 
It might be a good idea to remind you how VERY WELL you are doing in most areas of life!
Sometimes parents forget. 

So, you went 3 steps back..... you apologized for your words.... and you both know, that the deeper words for expression are not there yet.
And that is ok.  We can try again another time, a better time....
And then, you pray and reach out to the one who can heal all wounds.
And a little snuggle, that universal understanding of mutual affection that needs no words,  doesn't hurt either. :)

Thirsting For the Lord

Have you ever been Thirsty?  Like, REALLY thirsty?

I have... I have been DESPERATELY thirsty!

There was a time in my life where I had hit ROCK BOTTOM.  That means, there was NO WHERE to go but up.  NO WHERE. 

Let me back up..... I was  a nice "christian" girl.  I grew up believing in Christ for my salvation.  I had placed my trust in HIM as the author and finisher of my faith.... BUT WHERE OH WHERE had He taken Me?
I was very familiar by now with my dear friends "Sorrow and Suffering".... and had even got abit used to them.

As my marriage was falling apart, as my husband had gone from Seminary Student to unbeliever with a vengeance, I found myself lost.... VERY LOST.... VERY CONFUSED.
I was supposed to be raising my children in the LOVE of the LORD!  I was supposed to be cooking nice meals, baking cookies, and having late night conversations with my spouse!  I was supposed to be attending women's bible studies and going shopping......

OH MY how life was NOT ALL THAT.....  OH MY!

I was SO BLESSED with my Four little boys. I cherished them so.  I felt so sad that I could not give them much of what I wanted to.  I felt devastated that they were not receiving the LOVE they so deserved.
We ALL went through some very hard times.
BUT GOD......

You know, he promises to never leave us or forsake us.... but HE DOES NOT PROMISE that we won't WALK THROUGH FIRE! He says he'll be there with us..... not remove the FIRE from us!

This was my life at this point in time..... walking through FIRE......

I THIRSTED for the LORD, but did not find HIM in the "organized church" that I was attending.
In fact, I found very little fellowship there.  It was more like judgment. 
I remember having to ask for food one time..... and this man walked out... He was one of the assistant pastors. IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY he said, "How did you get yourself in this situation?"
"Well, let me see..... I have been a careless jerk and married one and we have 4 kids and I am totally irresponsible!"   That is what I FELT like saying.  Instead, only tears, and I left.
I was not only in shock, but terribly hurt that he treated me in such a disrespectful manner.
I remembered his name, and MANY years later heard a sermon in another state where his name was mentioned and I nearly burst into tears. :(
This is one of the reasons I believe churches should have food pantries with NO QUESTIONS ASKED! Take what you need and when you can, give to the food pantry for others.

I am so thankful for God's word.  I remember THIRSTING for the Lord and the Presence of the Lord.
I hung out a LOT in Isaiah.  "Lo, everyone who thirsts come to the water."  and then in the NT... In the Gospel of John..... where Jesus tells the woman at the well, "I have water to give and you will never thirst again!"
I WANTED THAT WATER!

In the midst of extreme pain and turmoil, God WALKED WITH ME!  And I am SO THANKFUL!
I KNEW he was walking with me.  I knew it... but it didn't mean that time was not painful.
There are some lessons that cannot be learned any other way, than walking through them.  I now KNOW that GOD had a plan for all that pain... I just didn't know it then.
That is where FAITH comes in. 
Even though things were HARD, trusting the LORD was ALL I HAD TO HANG ON TO!
Are you going through a HARD TIME RIGHT NOW?  With your child? With your spouse?
GOD IS WITH YOU! TRUST HIM!
Press into Christ and HE will fill you to overflowing!
HE will equip you for the struggle if you trust Him.

Today, I can see VERY CLEARLY why all that pain was NECESSARY...  and sometimes why it is STILL necessary!  It WAS NECESSARY for the life I live today.  It was necessary to prepare me for my GIRLS, that were not even a part of my imagination back then! LOL
It is necessary now, to prepare me for the future.
It is AMAZING how I can look back on those times and relate them to today, with my girls... and help understand and identify with THEIR pain. Someday, my girls will do the same. :)
God is a WISE GOD..... He knows what is best for His children.
Sometimes, Pain is best, and that is OK.

Three Steps Back

Well, we're in 3 steps back mode.....
I was told I shouldn't have said such nice things because I jinxed the day! LOL
I don't think so. :)

We didn't start out so great this a.m.  It was one of those "Everybody get in the car and let's go learn about the Love of Jesus moments!"   UGH
We talked about repentance on the way, and prepared our hearts for real worship... but all day, it was just tense and off.....
Our friend Hal came over, but he was SICK and running a fever, so he couldn't stay as planned.

I talked to our sweet girl in the afternoon and finally seemed to make headway and get through about attitudes....  but.... she is still struggling. 
Communication is the biggest issue of all! I just pray for her that she learns how to use words to express herself that are accurate.  I can't imagine how hard it must be for her sometimes. :(
Anniversaries are just hard.  I so enjoyed yesterday. :)
I hope we have a great tomorrow as tomorrow is a new day, and His mercies are NEW every morning!
Looking forward to lunging 10 steps forward!
God is Faithful and Good and I rejoice in HIS LOVE for us.

Happy Anniversary Sweet Alli! Part 2....

 I posted<<--- link   about Alli's anniversary earlier today before we went shopping.... I left several links to last years anniversary.

We have had a wonderful day.  I am amazed about HOW MUCH ALLI HAS GROWN, INSIDE and OUT!
She and Sarah have grown nearly 8 inches in the last 2 years.  Alli is tied for the tallest.  I was the tallest and youngest girl in my family too. :)

She has been wanting new boots as her old ones are too small. Guess who now wears the same sized shoes as Mama!  Yep...Miss Alli!  She decided to wear her new boots shopping. :)

ISarah found a pair of Converse 50% off!  So she was a happy girl too!

Anna, Sarah and I went shopping while Erika stayed home for some coveted blogging time. :)
We headed to World Market to get some spices and cooking supplies.  Alli asked to go to the Bible book store and I found an amazing bargain myself!  The ESV Study bible for 25 dollars! Wow!
After that, we headed home and took some pictures..... and tonight, we will be with dear friends and continue our celebration!

 Alli asked for a redo of this picture..... Daddy put her on his shoulders a long time ago.
She is much bigger now! :)

 My sweet baby girl.

All my sweet baby girls!

When we passed our one year anniversary, it was like a peace came over our sweet girl and she began to rest and not be so hypervigilant.    She has continued on a path to success with ups and downs, moving forward and backwards, but always on a path of moving forward!  I like the diagram of what success looks like....
I think this diagram is so accurate for all of us!
This child, has OVERCOME..... and she is not wasting any time in enjoying her life!
She LOVES being a kid, but has relaxed abit about growing up, because we have made it very clear that life doesn't end at 18. 
I cannot stress how important this is to our kids, whether they are BIO or Adopted.  They need to know we will be there for them AFTER 18....
Our girls know that their brothers are cared about and loved and they are all adults, and that has helped prove to them the truth..... "We LOVE YOU FOREVER!" PERIOD.

One of the delights of our lives has been bringing Miss Alli into our home and watching her transform. 
I am in AWE of what the Lord has done.

Happy 2nd Anniversary To Miss Alli

Happy Anniversary to our Sweet Alli!  And she wasn't even nervous about it this year! :)
To celebrate we are headed to find jeans and boots on sale! :)

More later!

Here is our post from LAST year's first anniversary. and then part 2 and then part 3.  ( I don't think I was excited enough. LOL)

A New Table and More....

 We have needed a new table for a long time. We have looked at used tables for quite some time, but nothing seemed right, or sturdy, or the right price.
I have had my on a table for awhile, and it went down in price! 
I was given a gift for speaking in Houston, and it was just enough to cover the cost of this table with the benches.  Mike graciously said, "get the chairs too". :)  YEA!

We now have a feeling that we are eating at a table that fits us, instead of feeling so crowded on our little 23 year old table!

That table is comfortably set up on the Front Porch as an Art Table. :)

One of our customers saw some of Alli's art work.  He is an artist himself and said that she has a very good talent!  He came in to meet her. When he came back to pick up his car today, he graciously gave her a water color set which included two technique books; and some larger water color paper for painting.

 She wrote him a thank you card while he was still here on one of her new note cards. :)
What a BLESSING!

Our dear friend who  is VERY MUCH responsible for making sure Sarah found a home here in the United States is traveling to Phoenix from W.D.C.   He stopped by while the girls were on a play date, but is coming back by on Sunday and will be spending the night with us, before he travels on!
We always love seeing Mr. Hal Tait!
It is kind of strange knowing people who knew your children before you did..... However, we live a strange life. :)

Erika did Sarah's hair  today.  I thought it was just darling.  They have been watching "The Waltons" season 4.  I think this is where the hairstyle came from.


Today was such a sweet day. 
TOMORROW WILL BE EVEN SWEETER.....
GUESS WHO'S TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS TOMORROW?????<----linked