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Sunday, March 17, 2013

What I Learned....

This weekend was STRESSFUL and EDUCATIONAL....
It was educational, FOR ME.
I wrote in my previous two posts about change.  Both Mike and I felt it was time for a change for the girlies.  They have had the same room mates for a year and a half.
When the guys were little, we changed room mates every so  often so they would get used to being with somebody else and so that sibling relationships would thrive.  They seemed to like the changes,
and never really had a problem with that kind of change.

Add ADOPTION into the mix, and you have an entirely DIFFERENT story!

On Saturday, I figured we would have a great day.  Two of our girls DID.  Two others DID NOT!

Here is what I LEARNED.....

1.  IF I want to make changes.... give FAIR warning! TWO of our girls do not handle change well.
2.  Don't be surprised when issues come up because of something YOU STARTED!
3.  LOVE YOUR KIDS.... PERIOD.

Let me be very clear.  ALL of our girls LOVE each other, and they LOVE us.  I have no doubt about this.  But CHANGE is HARD..... HARDER than I expected it to be.  And I was WRONG in not preparing them better.

So, after a day of tears and trials.....
Everybody is fine.  I did not handle things perfectly.  But at the same time, I was able to have a VERY GOOD TALK with both of my sweeties, one at a time. 
They shared some very personal things on a level they have never shared before. I was able to comfort them and sympathize with their fears.  As we snuggled and talked, finding a common ground, I felt so comforted by the Lord, and by them too.

One of our precious  girl's words ministered comfort and peace to me last night.
She ministered to ME, when I thought I was going to be ministering to HER!

I  can kick myself for not preparing the girls before I started a new MAJOR project, and for not remembering that they are more fragile than I sometimes remember!  A move; even a move to the next room can be traumatic.

I talked to a friend today who has a background in foster/adoption due to her OWN experience as a child. I shared with her our weekend adventures and some of what our precious daughters shared with me.  She affirmed that much of what our sweeties said was right on.

There are BIG  differences between Attachment issues and Adoption issues.  I think sometimes they can be mistaken.
In talking with my daughters and then my friend, it became very clear to me today that some issues regarding Adoption may never truly go away.  They may possibly be something one carries the rest of their life. 
Adoption is NOT the NORM!  Most children are parented by their parents!  Adopted kids are very WELL aware that we are not their first parents. They can love us and be attached to us, and yet STILL feel that rejection caused from their past experience.
My friend today helped me understand that some things regarding the past, isn't always up front and in your face, but it is there.
The changes that I brought into our home over the weekend that were seemingly benign, were not so benign for some of our kids.
Instead, it brought up old wounds of being moved OVER AND OVER.....
How could I have been so insensitive?
UGH.....
I LEARNED something new...
I am so thankful that the Lord's mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING. :)
And THIS is Alli's COOL NEW DRESSER!  She say she now has the coolest dresser EVER! It went from Pink to Black. :)

5 comments:

Milena said...

Wow. I fully understand that the reasons behind their hurt are too personal to write about, but in case you could please be able to write about what factors/issues a change of bedroom can bring up and what causes them to be brought up by the change, I would be so grateful. I might need to know, in case what we hope will happen is actually going to happen.....

Aus said...

Great couple posts here - glad the "change" is made and over - and proud of the girls - they are a lot like me!!

Oh - and thanks for "words". I've been hanging those exact terms with Brianna's "health issues" and dealing with counselors - it's not "attachment" issues - it's "adoption" issues that the kids are dealing with - why didn't I think of using those words!!

hugs - aus and co.

JJ said...

"There are BIG differences between Attachment issues and Adoption issues." Thanks for saying this! It is something I may have known on a more subconscious level, but just not have fully delineated.

Christie Minich said...

Milena, yes, I am planning to do that hopefully today. :)
I have some good stuff to share.

Christie Minich said...

Aus and JJ, yes, I think I am going to be blogging about this really soon. I had never thought to put it into words, but as I was talking with one of my girls, SHE brought it up!
She was VERY CLEAR about her love for us, and her attachment to us...but also expressed something else that I will write about soon.

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