Yesterday the girls brought a friend with them. I love living close to the lake. It is just a few minutes away and so relaxing.
The Minich Family Blog: Every Family Has A Story...Welcome To Ours
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What Ever My God Ordains is Right
Whate'er My God Ordains Is Right
1. Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whate’er He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God,
Though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall
Wherefore to Him I leave it all
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whate’er He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God,
Though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall
Wherefore to Him I leave it all
2. Whate’er my God ordains is right,
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me
I take, content,
What He hath sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me
I take, content,
What He hath sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day
3. Whate’er my God ordains is
right,
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true,
Each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true,
Each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart
4. Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care
Is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care
Is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all
©1998 David Braud Music.
More Thoughts on Special Needs Adoption
I wrote a post a while back called "The Importance of Adoption and Special Needs"....
Today, I was compelled to write more thoughts on this issue.
A cyber friend is adopting right now, a little girl from Reece's Rainbow, and it has been suggested that this family needs to rethink their decision to bring a special needs child home. Mind you, this person didn't say anything until now, after the court date, DURING the 10 day wait! ugh
I have to say, I am deeply saddened by this. I read this a.m. that another family is being attacked verbally by a neighbor WHILE they are gone, getting 2 children with special needs. They are in the EE country during the waiting time, and are hearing awful things... Folks these are terribly stressful times to be in, without having to deal with ugliness.
I just wonder, if maybe these people who attack in such ways are in a way personally feeling guilt because they would not do such a thing? I don't know. But the heartache it causes for those families already stressed by the process can be unbearable. Yes, unbearable.
What families in process need is our support, love and encouragement. Children who are traumatized by abandonment, neglect and deprivation and are physically different than the "norm" DESERVE JUST AS MUCH to have a LOVING FAMILY as any other child.....They NEED so much. They need our coos, our adoring looks, just like any other child does. They need our unconditional love and assurance, our continued support and energy...our joy and affection.... they are PEOPLE, HUMAN BEINGS !
But oh, I forgot, we live in a society that truly FROWNS on the handicapped. We don't like to see them. It makes us uncomfortable. We don't like to think, that there are MANY, MANY children both HERE in the United States and in other countries that are systematically NEGLECTED because of their disabilities, and many have spare rooms, HUGE homes, sitting EMPTY.
How could anybody argue against loving another person ??
One of my most memorable experiences in dealing with this sort of thinking, was when we were at the American Embassy in Ukraine. We walked in with our daughter and some man turned and saw us. And with a look of "disgust" as if he must have thought he was God's gift to humanity (LOL) he said, "Oh brother, how much is THAT going to cost me!"
I have to say, I felt a fire burn within me that I had never felt in a long time. (Not since somebody said something rude about our son) Mike whispered in my ear, "Down girl"...... I was searching in my purse for a quarter to throw at the guy...... just IN CASE she might cost him a quarter. She hasn't cost him a penny.
But that attitude, UGH, makes me so fuming angry. What makes us think we are BETTER than another human being? What makes us think a "beautiful child" deserves more love and attention than a child who isn't beautiful to look at? And who decides what is beautiful anyway????
As parents we FIND beautiful things about our children to admire; sweet baby toes, cute little noses, sweet noises they make, an expression, the way they hold a bottle, the way they give hugs, or the look in their eyes." There is something beautiful about each and every person who lives and breathes.
The IMPORTANT type of beauty is what is inside, in the heart.... as we all know the quote, "Beauty is only skin deep", or "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"..... the truth is: "HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL in HIS time!"
I can't wait to see the little ones who are coming home, flourish..... That my friends is BEAUTIFUL!
So, if you know somebody who is adopting a child with special needs, please ENCOURAGE them, so they don't have to say, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Please give them the benefit of the doubt that they MAY have thought this through, and are intelligent enough to make a decision that might be different from your own!
Honestly, I worry more about people who want the "perfect child, under a certain age, with no history of alcohol, abuse, neglect, with blonde hair and blue eyes and that will adore them from day one. And don't forget the measuring tapes to make sure head circumference is correct and they are on some sort of "chart"....." I call this "FANTASY LAND....
EVERY CHILD from an orphanage has had NEGLECT, many have been abused, they are ALL traumatized no matter HOW many toys the workers show you, they HAVE ALL been rejected......
AND, there are NO PERFECT CHILDREN, bio or adopted.
Babies do not rock back and forth in cribs in repetition because of the great care they have received.
And yes, there are many good workers in the orphanages... .but they are underpaid and overworked and there is NO WAY they can care for so many children.
God has not given us life to use just for ourselves. He calls us to serve, to love, to give.......
Our lives are NOT our own. And there is deep and great joy in the service of the King.
And an added benefit? LOVING, HAPPY,CARING and THRIVING children! :)
Why would any loving human being want another child to sit and rot?
Today, I was compelled to write more thoughts on this issue.
A cyber friend is adopting right now, a little girl from Reece's Rainbow, and it has been suggested that this family needs to rethink their decision to bring a special needs child home. Mind you, this person didn't say anything until now, after the court date, DURING the 10 day wait! ugh
I have to say, I am deeply saddened by this. I read this a.m. that another family is being attacked verbally by a neighbor WHILE they are gone, getting 2 children with special needs. They are in the EE country during the waiting time, and are hearing awful things... Folks these are terribly stressful times to be in, without having to deal with ugliness.
I just wonder, if maybe these people who attack in such ways are in a way personally feeling guilt because they would not do such a thing? I don't know. But the heartache it causes for those families already stressed by the process can be unbearable. Yes, unbearable.
What families in process need is our support, love and encouragement. Children who are traumatized by abandonment, neglect and deprivation and are physically different than the "norm" DESERVE JUST AS MUCH to have a LOVING FAMILY as any other child.....They NEED so much. They need our coos, our adoring looks, just like any other child does. They need our unconditional love and assurance, our continued support and energy...our joy and affection.... they are PEOPLE, HUMAN BEINGS !
But oh, I forgot, we live in a society that truly FROWNS on the handicapped. We don't like to see them. It makes us uncomfortable. We don't like to think, that there are MANY, MANY children both HERE in the United States and in other countries that are systematically NEGLECTED because of their disabilities, and many have spare rooms, HUGE homes, sitting EMPTY.
How could anybody argue against loving another person ??
One of my most memorable experiences in dealing with this sort of thinking, was when we were at the American Embassy in Ukraine. We walked in with our daughter and some man turned and saw us. And with a look of "disgust" as if he must have thought he was God's gift to humanity (LOL) he said, "Oh brother, how much is THAT going to cost me!"
I have to say, I felt a fire burn within me that I had never felt in a long time. (Not since somebody said something rude about our son) Mike whispered in my ear, "Down girl"...... I was searching in my purse for a quarter to throw at the guy...... just IN CASE she might cost him a quarter. She hasn't cost him a penny.
But that attitude, UGH, makes me so fuming angry. What makes us think we are BETTER than another human being? What makes us think a "beautiful child" deserves more love and attention than a child who isn't beautiful to look at? And who decides what is beautiful anyway????
As parents we FIND beautiful things about our children to admire; sweet baby toes, cute little noses, sweet noises they make, an expression, the way they hold a bottle, the way they give hugs, or the look in their eyes." There is something beautiful about each and every person who lives and breathes.
The IMPORTANT type of beauty is what is inside, in the heart.... as we all know the quote, "Beauty is only skin deep", or "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"..... the truth is: "HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL in HIS time!"
I can't wait to see the little ones who are coming home, flourish..... That my friends is BEAUTIFUL!
So, if you know somebody who is adopting a child with special needs, please ENCOURAGE them, so they don't have to say, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Please give them the benefit of the doubt that they MAY have thought this through, and are intelligent enough to make a decision that might be different from your own!
Honestly, I worry more about people who want the "perfect child, under a certain age, with no history of alcohol, abuse, neglect, with blonde hair and blue eyes and that will adore them from day one. And don't forget the measuring tapes to make sure head circumference is correct and they are on some sort of "chart"....." I call this "FANTASY LAND....
EVERY CHILD from an orphanage has had NEGLECT, many have been abused, they are ALL traumatized no matter HOW many toys the workers show you, they HAVE ALL been rejected......
AND, there are NO PERFECT CHILDREN, bio or adopted.
Babies do not rock back and forth in cribs in repetition because of the great care they have received.
And yes, there are many good workers in the orphanages... .but they are underpaid and overworked and there is NO WAY they can care for so many children.
God has not given us life to use just for ourselves. He calls us to serve, to love, to give.......
Our lives are NOT our own. And there is deep and great joy in the service of the King.
And an added benefit? LOVING, HAPPY,CARING and THRIVING children! :)
Why would any loving human being want another child to sit and rot?
This Morning
Also, I wanted to encourage her to not be embarrassed! She has nothing to be embarrassed about.... I love her little leg. :)
Yesterday, she surprised me! She took it right off and hopped into the water.
Then, this a.m., she sat down and said, "You know mama, I have lots of things to be thankful for, including my prosthetic leg!" I said, "Well tell me!"
She said,
"Well, when I fall, it doesn't hurt. I slammed it into the door and it didn't hurt. A bike fell on my leg and it didn't hurt! LOL
I love lake days.... everybody wants to pitch in and help so we can head to the lake to swim.
I think Alli and Sarah need a new lesson on how to make sheets stay on a bed!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wild Flowers
My Short Wearing Days are Over
I put on a pair of cutoffs today..... the girls were looking at me and then started the commnets: "Mom you have strange knee caps.... you have a bruise..... those shorts are kind of old fashioned......
I looked in the mirror and they were right.
So, I'm in my favorite jeans. It will be hot, but I won't look like the white legged lady with a bruise and bad knee caps. :)
No picture is necessary. :)
I looked in the mirror and they were right.
So, I'm in my favorite jeans. It will be hot, but I won't look like the white legged lady with a bruise and bad knee caps. :)
No picture is necessary. :)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Dogs and Cats and Kids
I said yes...... The next thing I know is she says he is enjoying his tuna! Then I see my 3 dollar can of Chicken being devoured! Hope you like it Mr. Kitty....because that won't happen again! I promise!
I made sure Anna saw what the difference was between the two cans. LOL It is always a good idea to read labels! :)
Visiting Old Friends
Today we visited our old church. We have missed so many faces each week, and we thought after a year, it really is time to go and visit.... We know many who pray for us on a daily basis and we are so thankful!
Alli also had the priveledge of meeting some very precious people to our family. :)
I was so happy to see them! We were able to share once again how God has brought us on a new journey.
It is wonderful to encourage and be encouraged by the body of Christ.
What a precious day. We love those we worship with now....and they too are precious to us....
But in our old church, they were with us from the beginning when we brought each of our girls home.
They were instrumental in praying for us, and one man in particular was instrumental in Erika being able to come home.
It is quite a drive to our old church.... so we were singing in the car on the way.....
We are truly, TRULY blessed!
Alli also had the priveledge of meeting some very precious people to our family. :)
I was so happy to see them! We were able to share once again how God has brought us on a new journey.
It is wonderful to encourage and be encouraged by the body of Christ.
What a precious day. We love those we worship with now....and they too are precious to us....
But in our old church, they were with us from the beginning when we brought each of our girls home.
They were instrumental in praying for us, and one man in particular was instrumental in Erika being able to come home.
It is quite a drive to our old church.... so we were singing in the car on the way.....
We are truly, TRULY blessed!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Peter Pan
This was our Friday Night Movie..... It was really fantasic! It was closer to the book, and the girls ALL enjoyed it very much.... There was some violence that was a little intense, but it is PG.... so it may not be for all audiences.... however we REALLY enjoyed it!
Gardening Failure
Yep, that is my new title! I am a gardening failure! I have wanted to plant a raised bed garden for awhile.... and it seems that time gets ahead of me, and then it is planting time, and then it is beyond planting time, and then it is just too late.... and with Sprouts, right down the street, with good prices..... UGH.... yep, I'm a gardening failure!
We had gardens 10 years ago that were envious. Loads of veges and fresh tomatoes, and fruit....
and now, weeds.
My body has not cooperated with my mind for a few years now. If I bend over to weed, I'm stuck.... with a bad back. If I try to pull weeds, I'm stuck with a stiff hand.....and the list goes on. UGH Getting old is getting OLD!
I would much prefer to garden to oblivion! But..... with weeds..... I can't keep up.
So, the raised bed garden would be a blessing, as I wouldn't have to bend over so far, AND, there were be much fewer weeds.... and then even Erika could help, as she wouldn't have to bend. What a glorious idea!
I think I will plan NOW, for NEXT year, and slowly get things started and built. A little landscape timber at a time..... And then, maybe I can start to CAN once again! I still have a can of pickled broccoli, but I don't want to open it.... as it is my last canned project in the cupboard. :)
I also have visions of a winter garden where we can grow some cold veges like cabbage and broccoli.... Who knows! Maybe by winter, my plan will be put into place and I can square foot garden in raised beds! :)
We'll see. In the mean time.... Sprouts will be my favorite store.....
AND... I'm going to try shredding zucchini and using it to replace cheese on tacos. I have been doing REALLY well on my near vegetarian diet.... once I get dairy out of my life.. it will be all vegetarian
Blog Visitors
I received a very nice note from somebody in Iceland! Welcome my Icelandic Friend. :)
If anybody is reading this, know that I love to hear from those who read, and find it fun that somebody would. :) You are MORE than welcome to read and comment.
So here is a BIG TEXAS HOWDY! To all my readers!
If anybody is reading this, know that I love to hear from those who read, and find it fun that somebody would. :) You are MORE than welcome to read and comment.
So here is a BIG TEXAS HOWDY! To all my readers!
What Is Up With This?
I thought Corell was supposed to last forever!
I poured hot water in my cup to drink, and it did this! Somehow, I feel a blog post of observation coming on. :) But not today.... to much to do!
Friday, June 3, 2011
3 Months
We are so thankful for our new daughter. She is doing so well.
This month has been especially eventful. We have made HUGE strides in attachment for all of us. Alli has really become comfortable.... she isn't worrying like she did before. She knows she is here to stay. Tomorrow Alli will attend her very first Birthday Party.... yesterday, she walked with her sisters to the store for ice cream....she is so proud of herself.
What I have honestly seen is the transformation of a little girl who was tossed around and had no stability, into a happy child, who knows she is loved and is actually BRAVE enough to love us back.
I am seeing the labels disappear..... Instead, I'm seeing her cute personality come out.... her temperament is part of her personality, and she is learning how to use her self control tool.....
I no longer have to coax her to me if she is upset. She comes willingly. I no longer have to tell her to take deep breaths.... she does it on her own. :)
She has learned to admit wrong, and apologize, and also, and really more importantly, she has learned to forgive others when they have offended her.
This, in my opinion, is HUGE. It prevents holding things in and harboring anger. She is quickly learning to let it go.
Today, she and Sarah had a little squabble about hair bows. Silly? Yes. Alli decided that she didn't want anybody to use the hair bows she brought with her. Of course, she decided it in the middle of Sarah doing Erika's hair. Oh my, Sarah was mad.... "That isn't FAIR! You said they were for everybody to use!"
Alli put them in her drawer and closed it, ending the hair do session.
I brought both girls into the living room. Alli had her turn to say what happened without interruption, then Sarah had her turn without interruption.....
And then Mommy, had to be Solomon.
"Sarah, I know you got frustrated, but it is not ok to raise your voice at your sister." You need to tell her you are sorry.
She did right away, and Alli forgave her.
BEFORE I could tell Alli her timing was bad, and she should have waited if she REALLY wanted to save those things for herself..... she VOLUNTEERED "Sarah, I'm sorry, I was wrong to do that."
"You can use the hair things if you want."
That is when I asked her if she really wanted to save them. We have other hair things I have bought for the girls. She said she did want to save them. So I got out the other hair things, and Sarah used those.
Then Alli put her things in a zip lock back and put them away for good.
And there was no anger harbored or resentment harbored. Only 2 little girls who decided to play dressup and do toenails and fingernails and dressup, and they have been happy to play together.
These things may seem like small things to some, especially if you do not understand the neglected and abused child. But for the child who has that background, these things are huge!
For a child with a history of anger to put that anger away, laying down the tool that they have use to keep a safe distance, speaks volumes!
What can I see in the future?
Security!
Happiness!
Joy!
A life fulfilled!
Healthy Family Relationships!
Alli is the oldest child we have adopted, at 11. Mike and I both were talking about what is considered "older"..... Mike said, "Really, how much do you remember of being 9 or 11? Not much! :)
As Alli grows up, we pray that her memories of torment and destruction, will be replaced with Joy and healthy growth, emotionally, spiritually and physically!
These last 3 months have had their times of struggle and triumph, and we rejoice that the Lord chose to use Us, in spite of all our short comings and failures, to reach a very scared little girl.
To GOD be the Glory! Great things HE has done!
Lilly Bean!
Ya-Ya loves you Beanie Baby!
My Daily Egg
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Giant Step part 2
I posted here that the girls went on their first venture alone....
I cracked up.... Our neighbor called about 30 minutes after the girls left and said, "Did you know the girls were going to cross the street at the signal?" LOL
I told her we did. Her daughter saw them, called her mom and her mom called me.
I am thankful for neighbors who watch out for us! :)
We were all excited when they came walking back within sight. Erika ran down the driveway to greet them. Alli made Daddy's day by running down the drive way screaming "Daddy!" and she jumped into his arms. :)
She here are our hot sweaty girlies, all home safe and sound! :) I am really proud of them!
Oh ya, here are our blackberries! We've made 2 pies so far. YUM!
I cracked up.... Our neighbor called about 30 minutes after the girls left and said, "Did you know the girls were going to cross the street at the signal?" LOL
I told her we did. Her daughter saw them, called her mom and her mom called me.
I am thankful for neighbors who watch out for us! :)
We were all excited when they came walking back within sight. Erika ran down the driveway to greet them. Alli made Daddy's day by running down the drive way screaming "Daddy!" and she jumped into his arms. :)
She here are our hot sweaty girlies, all home safe and sound! :) I am really proud of them!
A GIANT Step!
And they are growing up! I believe each of them have proven themselves trustworthy and they will do just fine.....
Where is Erika? She really cannot walk that far safely.... so she is going to enjoy a soda at home, and spend some alone time with Mama.
This is how life is sometimes. When Tim was little, I did not apologize or feel sorry for him when his brothers could do some things he couldn't. It is life. And it is the reality of having a severe disability.
HOWEVER, things get worked out..... Erika goes to Camp soon. And Anna and Alli will not be going. They are blessed with all their limbs. :)
I don't apologize to them either. :)
Sometimes...... being a mom is just hard, having to make decisions.
So today, we CELEBRATE the first adventure of I'm sure MANY..... of girls going shopping. :)
Root Canals and Such
UGH !!!
Alli finished all her dental stuff and looks great. ME? I just went for a simple checkup....how is it, EVERY time I go, I have some horrible thing happening! SO, my buick of a tooth was fixed today.
I really do like the new dentist. She was VERY good. She also listened to me when I told her No Hydrocodone, it makes me feel awful......
So I'm on antibiotics and Tylenol 3 for now. Apparently there was a pretty bad infection brewing....besides needing the root canal. Oh my, I've been so busy with life, I didn't even notice.
Glad it is fixed!
Alli finished all her dental stuff and looks great. ME? I just went for a simple checkup....how is it, EVERY time I go, I have some horrible thing happening! SO, my buick of a tooth was fixed today.
I really do like the new dentist. She was VERY good. She also listened to me when I told her No Hydrocodone, it makes me feel awful......
So I'm on antibiotics and Tylenol 3 for now. Apparently there was a pretty bad infection brewing....besides needing the root canal. Oh my, I've been so busy with life, I didn't even notice.
Glad it is fixed!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Princess Bride and Google
We watched "The Princess Bride" on Friday night and the girls loved it. Ever since then, they have been coming up with the silliest of rhymes AND, I always have to say, "No more rhyming I mean it!" So they can all say, "Anybody want a peanut?" And then they all roll with laughter. :)
Today, I was looking for a book to find some information.... Anna was observing me and said, "Mom, you are wasting your time! Google it!" LOL
It is amazing....to me how much information we have at our fingertips..... and the truth is:
I LOVE google! LOL
Today, I was looking for a book to find some information.... Anna was observing me and said, "Mom, you are wasting your time! Google it!" LOL
It is amazing....to me how much information we have at our fingertips..... and the truth is:
I LOVE google! LOL
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Retaking What Was Lost
I posted in a previous blog post When Trigger's Get Triggered
The short of it is.... Alli had been promised to go to Chuck E. Cheese a while back. (2 families ago
with respite care inbetween...).. On the day she was supposed to go, instead, her family picked her up from respite care and took her to a psych unit for evaluation.
She was devastated.
So, we had planned to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but I Found a better deal on what I thought was a better place..... she was profoundly disappointed about once again, not going to Chuck E. Cheese.
The reasoning doesn't matter. It was all about bad memories and broken promises.
Both Mike and I , and De, a faithful reader were all on the same page.... she needed to go to Chuck E. Cheese, to recreate a memory and write over the bad one.
Now, we typically do not indulge the kids.... at all! But this was a little different. We considered it cheap therapy. LOL
So we came up with a plan. We first asked Alli, "do you like surprises, or do you like to know what is happening ahead of time. We got the "I like to know what is happening ahead of time." So daddy and I took her aside and told her we felt it would be best for her to go to Chuck E. Cheese. BUT... she couldn't tell anybody!
Now, we have this tradition, that at some point, we all go for a secret car ride, and one child tells us where to turn and how to drive, but they don't know where we are going. (Alli knew we were going, but the other girls didn't)So, it was Alli's turn to tell us how to drive. She was very nervous because she thought for sure she would make us go to Oklahoma! LOL
We set off on our adventure. The other girls were convinced we were headed to a theatre.... which is a rare event.
Instead we would say, "Should we turn left or go straight. If she picked the wrong way, we'd reword the question.... Should be go STRAIGHT or turn left?..... then, she'd get it right.
We took the back roads to Chuck E. Cheese so nobody would know until we got there.
Oh MY! You should have heard the excitement.... and Alli was shocked she was able to get us there! LOL
And this is what happened..... A VERY THANKFUL little girl had a WONDERFUL time. She soaked in the moment, every moment and even cheered on her sisters when they were doing well at a game.
I was so proud of her.
When we got home, before bedtime, Daddy led the girls in a prayer of thankfulness and each person was allowed to pray outloud.
Alli prayed twice. The first time, she said, "Thank you that my parents took me to Chuck E. Cheese and that they are honest and keep their word." The second time, it was about how thankful she was for her family......
I think we made the right decision. And hopefully, her older bad memory will be written over with her new memory.
What a wonderful evening.
Monday, May 30, 2011
When Triggers Get Triggered
One of the things about raising children with a large part of their lives already behind them, and you not knowing anything but bits a pieces of information..... is, it makes for interesting times! :)
We had one of those times today. How would we have known that going to a place similar to Chuck E. Cheese would set off such tremors. I should have known when we had said we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese, about a month ago, the reaction of our Alli was rather unusual. It caused her stress, and she didn't want to wait, yet she didn't want to go.... and she became dysregulated.
Well, we have had some very good times, and then today, was the day to go to Chuck E. Cheese.... but mama got creative and found a BETTER place that was even on sale! Who would have thought that would have caused a trigger? Not me.... Why? I dunno. :)
So, we got to Amazing Jakes, and walked into a huge fun land with an ENORMOUS food bar.
Everybody filled up, and then it was time for games. Alli said, "Can everybody finish eating! I'm bored"......
And I knew, something was up......
She struggled to have a good time. She really DID have a good time, in spite of herself. I so felt for her struggling, but could not figure out why the struggle.
She finished her game card... (everybody had one) and then announced, "I'm bored, I want to leave".... and then came the pouts. The mournful look... the slouched shoulders, the woe is me.....
I tried to get her to engage in the joy of others still having fun, but she was too overwhelmed.
Some would look at her behavior and say, "How selfish!" "How Spoiled!"
I'm sure some did.
Anna was so sweet, she took Alli for a little walk and talked to her about her surprise and told her they could google how to use it when they got home. She seemed excited about that for a minute.... and then it was back to the pouts.
Everybody was done, and enjoying ice cream, but Alli was in full pout mode, so I told everybody, take your time.... have fun, and Mama and Alli are headed to the van.
We got in and cooled the van down for everybody else, and she was not yet regulated to talk.
So, when everybody came out, we started home. We all talked about what a great time we had, except Alli. She was by now, curled in a ball. Pouting.
We sang some songs and daddy pointed out the most beautiful flowers to everybody. We didn't address our little ball of pouts.... we just continued our celebration.
When we got home she bolted from the van and tried to run into the house, but the door was locked. I asked her, "Would you like to unlock the door?" She said, "Yes", and I handed her the key.
When we got inside, she asked if there was a quiet place she could go. I told her, "My room, or your room, or the front porch or the back porch." Would you like to go and spend some time with Guess?
She said no.
After about 30 minutes home, it all came to a head. I was tired, and actually abit irritated that she had not calmed herself.... so I took her by the hand and we walked back to her room and sat on the day bed.
I told her I was doing my best not to be angry.... but honestly I was. I told her that it was hard to see her not have a good time, and not care to make it special for Anna and Sarah. We had waited so long for this......
Her response was to break down crying... "THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET RID OF ME!"
I took her into my arms and said, "Why in the world would we do that? It never even crossed our minds!"
"Everybody ELSE has gotten RID OF ME!" "They Couldn't handle my temper!" "If you can't handle me, you can just get rid of me!"
I told her as I held her.... "I never said I couldn't handle you!" In fact, "I love you! YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER, WE WOULD NEVER EVEN THINK OF GETTING RID OF YOU!"
I opened up the door and she walked in, swinging it WIDE open...my starting phrase....
"Things must have been SO hard for you before!"
She started to cry.. Really cry, and for the first time told me all she could remember about her life in Russia.... then, about her life in her first home..... and it TURNS OUT..... when she was in Respite care, she was supposed to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but instead, her first family came and got her and she was taken to a Psych Unit.
OK, trigger, BIG FAT TRIGGER.... she never got to go.
All those memories came pouring back to her when she realized we were going to Chuck E. Cheese.... She had never been. And then, when we picked a different place, even though we thought it would be MORE FUN, it didn't matter. She lost again.... still didn't get to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
These things sound trivial, but to a child, they most certainly are not! Especially not to a child who has had so much deprivation.
We hugged for a long time as she poured her heart out, and we were able to talk about her attitude.
She REALLY REALLY wants to make changes, but she gets stuck sometimes and can't find her way out. I told her I would help her.... I will shine the light to help her out.
She then told me she loved us and knows we care for her. She knows she is in the right place. She knows we will never leave her.
This is a huge struggle for her.
She remembers the conversations about sending her away. They are hard...... All in all, I think she had a very honest approach in our talk.
She was able to admit that she needed help to learn how to speak appropriately when she is upset.
She is going to work on tone of voice, and I am going to try to help her understand what we are talking about when we SAY tone of voice. :)
The last thing we talked about was her future. As we snuggled together, I told her I could see her as a beautiful teenage girl, full of life, going somewhere with her friends and coming home and saying, "Mom, Dad, I'm home!"
She closed her eyes and enjoyed the description......
3 months...is not that long of a time.... but we have covered MUCH ground in a short time.
We had one of those times today. How would we have known that going to a place similar to Chuck E. Cheese would set off such tremors. I should have known when we had said we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese, about a month ago, the reaction of our Alli was rather unusual. It caused her stress, and she didn't want to wait, yet she didn't want to go.... and she became dysregulated.
Well, we have had some very good times, and then today, was the day to go to Chuck E. Cheese.... but mama got creative and found a BETTER place that was even on sale! Who would have thought that would have caused a trigger? Not me.... Why? I dunno. :)
So, we got to Amazing Jakes, and walked into a huge fun land with an ENORMOUS food bar.
Everybody filled up, and then it was time for games. Alli said, "Can everybody finish eating! I'm bored"......
And I knew, something was up......
She struggled to have a good time. She really DID have a good time, in spite of herself. I so felt for her struggling, but could not figure out why the struggle.
She finished her game card... (everybody had one) and then announced, "I'm bored, I want to leave".... and then came the pouts. The mournful look... the slouched shoulders, the woe is me.....
I tried to get her to engage in the joy of others still having fun, but she was too overwhelmed.
Some would look at her behavior and say, "How selfish!" "How Spoiled!"
I'm sure some did.
Anna was so sweet, she took Alli for a little walk and talked to her about her surprise and told her they could google how to use it when they got home. She seemed excited about that for a minute.... and then it was back to the pouts.
Everybody was done, and enjoying ice cream, but Alli was in full pout mode, so I told everybody, take your time.... have fun, and Mama and Alli are headed to the van.
We got in and cooled the van down for everybody else, and she was not yet regulated to talk.
So, when everybody came out, we started home. We all talked about what a great time we had, except Alli. She was by now, curled in a ball. Pouting.
We sang some songs and daddy pointed out the most beautiful flowers to everybody. We didn't address our little ball of pouts.... we just continued our celebration.
When we got home she bolted from the van and tried to run into the house, but the door was locked. I asked her, "Would you like to unlock the door?" She said, "Yes", and I handed her the key.
When we got inside, she asked if there was a quiet place she could go. I told her, "My room, or your room, or the front porch or the back porch." Would you like to go and spend some time with Guess?
She said no.
After about 30 minutes home, it all came to a head. I was tired, and actually abit irritated that she had not calmed herself.... so I took her by the hand and we walked back to her room and sat on the day bed.
I told her I was doing my best not to be angry.... but honestly I was. I told her that it was hard to see her not have a good time, and not care to make it special for Anna and Sarah. We had waited so long for this......
Her response was to break down crying... "THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET RID OF ME!"
I took her into my arms and said, "Why in the world would we do that? It never even crossed our minds!"
"Everybody ELSE has gotten RID OF ME!" "They Couldn't handle my temper!" "If you can't handle me, you can just get rid of me!"
I told her as I held her.... "I never said I couldn't handle you!" In fact, "I love you! YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER, WE WOULD NEVER EVEN THINK OF GETTING RID OF YOU!"
I opened up the door and she walked in, swinging it WIDE open...my starting phrase....
"Things must have been SO hard for you before!"
She started to cry.. Really cry, and for the first time told me all she could remember about her life in Russia.... then, about her life in her first home..... and it TURNS OUT..... when she was in Respite care, she was supposed to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but instead, her first family came and got her and she was taken to a Psych Unit.
OK, trigger, BIG FAT TRIGGER.... she never got to go.
All those memories came pouring back to her when she realized we were going to Chuck E. Cheese.... She had never been. And then, when we picked a different place, even though we thought it would be MORE FUN, it didn't matter. She lost again.... still didn't get to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
These things sound trivial, but to a child, they most certainly are not! Especially not to a child who has had so much deprivation.
We hugged for a long time as she poured her heart out, and we were able to talk about her attitude.
She REALLY REALLY wants to make changes, but she gets stuck sometimes and can't find her way out. I told her I would help her.... I will shine the light to help her out.
She then told me she loved us and knows we care for her. She knows she is in the right place. She knows we will never leave her.
This is a huge struggle for her.
She remembers the conversations about sending her away. They are hard...... All in all, I think she had a very honest approach in our talk.
She was able to admit that she needed help to learn how to speak appropriately when she is upset.
She is going to work on tone of voice, and I am going to try to help her understand what we are talking about when we SAY tone of voice. :)
The last thing we talked about was her future. As we snuggled together, I told her I could see her as a beautiful teenage girl, full of life, going somewhere with her friends and coming home and saying, "Mom, Dad, I'm home!"
She closed her eyes and enjoyed the description......
3 months...is not that long of a time.... but we have covered MUCH ground in a short time.
The Celebration
Today, we went to Amazing Jakes to celebrate Sarah hitting the Big 70, and Anna, learning her times tables! Yea!
We were planning on Chuck E Cheese, but found that Amazing Jakes was Much more Amazing for about the same cost. PLUS....they had an all you can eat buffet for 6.99!
I was able to have the baked potato and salad bar!
So it was VERY much worth it. :)
The girls had a really great time..... there were a few bumps, with bad memories for Miss Alli, but she worked through it really well.
I watched Miss Anna get to the TOP of the climbing wall and she didn't press the button! LOL When she got down, she said, "Nobody told me there was a button!" But I have it on video.... :)
We had such a good time together!
Alli and Sarah enjoyed the bumper cars:
Erika made a STRIKE in Bowling!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Alli And Daddy
She has had a lot of them..... Her first daddy, the one in Russia, was violent. VERY violent. She has shared stories that would make you cringe. Her second daddy, was most likely written off because of her first daddy.... She just saw him as mean. Is that true? I have no idea. But she definitely was scared of him. Her 3rd daddy was better, but she didn't really speak of him with respect.... and now her Daddy , Daddy.... Her FINAL daddy..... she has struggled to open up to. She will, and then she won't. Her words, "I prefer mommies".....
Mike is the most patient daddy. He has learned to wait, to hold his tongue, to speak at just the right time, to be kind, to be caring, to listen, and to instruct. He never shows resentment or anger when she rebuffs him. I truly believe that because of his patience and prayerful waiting....
TODAY became a milestone day.....
Alli has allowed interaction, but not as naturally as she does with me. Today, she was stressed after going and spending the afternoon in a waiting room at the hospital.
When we got home, she was sleepy and hungry and I added to it by asking her to feed Guess.
She said, "Will somebody go with me! I don't like to go in the yard with Bryan. (the billy goat)
The other girls were all busy, and daddy said, "I can show you how to distract him! I'll go and help you." She rejected his help, for no reason. She just dismissed him...... :/
So we went to the porch swing so we could all talk together.... at first she didn't want to talk, and then she opened up. She was actually able to verbalize that she had a harder time with daddys. We told her we knew, which seemed to surprise her. Daddy patiently told her how much he loved her and looked forward to the day she opened up to him as much as she has to me. She said, "I'm really trying daddy!" He said, "I know you are!" And we both praised her for her efforts. She apologized for dismissing his offer and then Daddy and Alli went to feed the dog together.
She was so happy.
Tonight... we watched Extreme Home Makeover, and look what I saw! Those two pictures! She was totally relaxed in his arms absorbing his love. :)
Way to go Daddy and Alli!
The Results of Spanking Gone Awry
FMC Interview: KHSL Action News Chico Redding – For the Children's Sake | Fostering Media Connections
This 3 part interview is about the death of a little girl. The sad part is, her death was caused by her adoptive parents who believed they needed to punish their daughter according to the book "To Train Up a Child. I have written about punishment that is advocated in some extreme reading materials in previous posts.... I am saddened that this family, bought this extreme form of punishment and it cost their daughter her life.... and it cost them their family. This was a homeschooling family with 9 children. (3 adopted from Liberia)
Child abuse makes me so sad. But child abuse within the church doesn't just make me sad, it makes me angry. This mother and father, are now in prison serving long sentences. Their children were removed.
Another family devastated by AWFUL teaching, in the name of God......
This 3 part interview is about the death of a little girl. The sad part is, her death was caused by her adoptive parents who believed they needed to punish their daughter according to the book "To Train Up a Child. I have written about punishment that is advocated in some extreme reading materials in previous posts.... I am saddened that this family, bought this extreme form of punishment and it cost their daughter her life.... and it cost them their family. This was a homeschooling family with 9 children. (3 adopted from Liberia)
Child abuse makes me so sad. But child abuse within the church doesn't just make me sad, it makes me angry. This mother and father, are now in prison serving long sentences. Their children were removed.
Another family devastated by AWFUL teaching, in the name of God......
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Phone Call
Every now and then Alli will ask to call her old family. She hadn't talked to them in a while, and Sarah asked to use the phone, then Anna asked to call her friend and then Alli said, "When she's done can I call my old family?" Sure.
Today's phone call was funny. She talked and talked and talked and talked, and I could hear excitement in her voice about all she is doing. She didn't ask as many questions about old animals as usual... instead she shared all she was up to.... and her excitement about learning to do water sports on the lake soon.
I was so proud of her. She talked all about her sisters and the antics they get into, how they catch fire flys and how she and Sarah made paper dolls and paper airplanes for the dolls to fly in, and how they design clothes for their dolls.
She even told them about school. She said, "In the summer we do math and language arts so we don't foget things.. I think that is good!"
She talked about Sarah the most and said, "Sarah is like my best friend."
Wow! Sarah heard her and had a big grin on her face. :)
They asked her if she was riding horses. She said, "No, I have gone to visit horses, and we have fed horses, I might ride horses soon ..(there is a summer program) but my sister and I are doing Ballet and I LOVE dancing. Mommy bought me a ballet suit and I love it.
Honestly, I don't think Alli cares as much about riding a horse as she did loving a specific horse.
She had a relationship with a certain horse and that relationship is what she missed. Her old horse will always have a special place in her heart.
She also tried to tell them all about "The Princess Bride"..... LOL That must have been interesting to hear; and Friday nights and how we get pizza and have a slumber party and fall asleep in the living room and it is fun.
Her other family asked her "Are you happy?"
And she had a big smile and said, "Yes, I am happy!"
I believe our little sweetie is settled. :)
YES! I am happy too! :)
Today's phone call was funny. She talked and talked and talked and talked, and I could hear excitement in her voice about all she is doing. She didn't ask as many questions about old animals as usual... instead she shared all she was up to.... and her excitement about learning to do water sports on the lake soon.
I was so proud of her. She talked all about her sisters and the antics they get into, how they catch fire flys and how she and Sarah made paper dolls and paper airplanes for the dolls to fly in, and how they design clothes for their dolls.
She even told them about school. She said, "In the summer we do math and language arts so we don't foget things.. I think that is good!"
She talked about Sarah the most and said, "Sarah is like my best friend."
Wow! Sarah heard her and had a big grin on her face. :)
They asked her if she was riding horses. She said, "No, I have gone to visit horses, and we have fed horses, I might ride horses soon ..(there is a summer program) but my sister and I are doing Ballet and I LOVE dancing. Mommy bought me a ballet suit and I love it.
Honestly, I don't think Alli cares as much about riding a horse as she did loving a specific horse.
She had a relationship with a certain horse and that relationship is what she missed. Her old horse will always have a special place in her heart.
She also tried to tell them all about "The Princess Bride"..... LOL That must have been interesting to hear; and Friday nights and how we get pizza and have a slumber party and fall asleep in the living room and it is fun.
Her other family asked her "Are you happy?"
And she had a big smile and said, "Yes, I am happy!"
I believe our little sweetie is settled. :)
YES! I am happy too! :)
A Busy Saturday!
We have had a BUSY day... we started with morning clean-up and then went on to do our grocery shopping. Of course, by the time we left it was close to lunch. So we had a rare treat at Taco Bueno.
I fed everybody for 7.73. :) The trick is drinking WATER for free. :)
After we went grocery shopping, we stopped at home and dropped off the cold stuff and then drove to see if the lake swimming area was open yet. It was.... and since it is so hot, I didn't have the heart to say no to swimming for a few minutes. It was not planned, though everybody had swimming type clothes on....
I fed everybody for 7.73. :) The trick is drinking WATER for free. :)
So they all jumped in..... and swam for about 20 minutes. Then, we went home and the girls finished the outside responsibilities. Somehow the outside seems to always include some sort of animal poop. :)
I cracked up when Alli came in and walked around the table 3 x's breathing deeply, all on her own and then she plopped down in my lap....
"Having a problem?"
yes
"Do you think you can all settle it?"
yes
Good! Thank you for telling me. :)
And she went back out and I never heard anything about it again! LOL
I loved that she started her breathing on her own. :)
So, all is done, for them... NEVER for me.....
And now, I go put in another load of laundry while the girlies suck on popsicles and watch The Princess Bride. :)
Regulation and Comfort part 2
I wrote a post called Regulation and Comfort, yesterday after learning something about our daughters.
There were some GREAT questions from Holly and Autumn and I wanted to answer those the best I could.
I am working this out as I write. :) But it makes sense for us...
First off, let me say there is no true discipline WITHOUT instruction! Discipline is to disciple, to come alongside, to instruct, to guide and to lead to truth.
Part of that instruction, guidance and leading, helps a child find SELF discipline where they learn to regulate on their own, make the right choices in their lives and ultimately become whole and productive members of society! :)
What I am suggesting is NOT to take a screaming toddler and give him a piece of candy to make him be quiet. Nor is it to take a 10 year old who just snotted off to his parents and say, "Oh, how about if you go play your play station for a while since you snotted off to me. NOT! LOL
First, we must observe what is calming to our children. Know them...and what makes them tick! That takes time. Rocking them? A cartoon? A cool drink?
Reading a favorite book? Very similar to what is calming to us: Exercise, Starbucks, a movie, a book...and then going for instruction somewhere... the scripture, FRUA, a support group, etc.
In REALITY, YOU are your Child's Support Group!
I have never heard of a support group not being supportive. LOL (well, just maybe)
I'm talking about a real support group that is face to face. If somebody fails, the support group ENCOURAGES, GIVES INSTRUCTION, COMES ALONGSIDE......They may have words that cut us to the heart..... "What you did was unacceptable, but I KNOW you can do better! I will be here to help you!"
As I said, this is not devoid of instruction. "How could you have handled this better?" "What happened? " And then discuss ways to change our reactions to what happened. This is where the tools come in for the child. "What tool can YOU use to help you. "Love, kindness, telling the truth"..... as a child learns that they are "loved and accepted", they will make a huge shift and times of turmoil become few and far between.
I would say we are at that place for the most part with the 3 of the girlies and rapidly getting there with number 4. However, she has only been home for 3 months.
To tell her, "I KNOW you want to do what is right", and see her little head affirm with a yes movement brings me joy, as she is dysregulated and hanging onto me for dear life. She LOVES getting the affirmation that we believe she WANTS to do what is right and is finding her way out of a very dark place. I believe she can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and continues to rapidly do better and better.
Here is where some of the types of NATURAL consequences in life work.... If we were in a store, and our daughter wanted a new outfit, and that is not why we went into the store, and she were to have an attitude (speaking pre teen age here now), I would quietly request that she understand now is not the time, I didn't say never, but attitude needs to change. If she cannot get it together, we will have to leave and come back later. And then DO it! This is not a punishment. It is a result of not being fit for public. I have done this with all of my toddler age children and one time with a pre teen..... As part of the instruction I did let them know that I was sad. I really needed to get food for our home, and I really needed to finish my shopping and now I can't. And that makes me sad. I have NEVER had any child say, "I don't care." Typically they will say, "I'll try mommy, I really will! I'm sorry!" (in the car)
We would THEN have a time of instruction.... what is expected in the store as a reminder, what ways they can help themselves stay regulated in a store, "think about something else besides what you want", talk about them helping put things in the basket.... etc. and then go back. For a little one, they may need to go home and take a nap for a while and then go back. ( I never take a tired toddler into a store)
And the BIGGEST THING.... Do NOT punish a child WITH YOUR OWN BAD ATTITUDE AND DYSREGULATION! Be cheerful... things have moved on... move on yourself!
Take the same situation: Kid dysregulated in a store. It doesn't make sense to me to tell an already upset child: If you don't stop, you will lose your computer for a week. Or if you don't stop no soccer practice. It seems that unrelated punishments, and removal of priveledges that have nothing to do with the situation, make no sense to the child. They are disconnected. Yes, your child likes soccer and computer, but it seems that to address a problem by withholding something they find comforting or just enjoy, is schizophrenic (disconnected) to the issue. They are not behaving badly because they have computer or play soccer, there is something much deeper.
I have also seen some who would say, "If you don't stop I am going to ......(fill in the blank) but they have given no instruction or tools on how to stop. And the same behavior repeats and repeats and repeats. Discipline is not equal punishment. You may get a short term effect.... but in the long term you are still having to punish, punish, punish.
Our goals should be long term solutions that stick! LOL
Do not EVER ignore a child who would say things that are unkind or rude in a store and just keep shopping.... EVER, even if you have to go without milk. The child is more important. The discipleship is more important!
I think the store scenario is easy for me to explain because it has to do with public behavior. And it has to do with action required right away.
I just wanted to make sure you understand I am not advocating screaming toddler in basket= getting a toy to hold so he is quiet. That is not instructive nor is it healthy.
The ULTIMATE goal is to lead our Children to the GREAT Comforter, Jesus Christ. :) It is to teach them to reach out to HIM and to be changed from the INSIDE out. Outward conformity without Spititual Renewal will at best be temporary.
But instruction that leads to LIFE, has eternal benefit. :)
When I go to the Lord with my own problems, He is glad to hear from me, he DELIGHTS in His children. He loves for me to pour my heart out to him.... the good the bad and the ugly..... and I receive comfort and instruction.
This is what should be happening with our children. Comfort and instruction.
I hope that makes things a little more clearer than mud. LOL
(Holly, I used to teach preschool a long time ago, and I LOVED having the "trouble kids" in my class.
They were the ones who didn't fit in for "circle time"..... The best thing I could do for them was when I saw them start to squirm, call their name, "Isn't that right Jarod!" "Caleb, can you help me find the B?" and let him get up and find it... he was so proud, and then would sit down once again, and then I'd pick a quieter little Suzy... LOL....) A good friend of mine could chime in on this one. She had a child in her French class that she had to send to get a drink of water if he was dysregulated.... it wasn't a reward... it worked to calm him and he became a favorite student.)
Ok, I think I just threw up a post. LOL
There were some GREAT questions from Holly and Autumn and I wanted to answer those the best I could.
I am working this out as I write. :) But it makes sense for us...
First off, let me say there is no true discipline WITHOUT instruction! Discipline is to disciple, to come alongside, to instruct, to guide and to lead to truth.
Part of that instruction, guidance and leading, helps a child find SELF discipline where they learn to regulate on their own, make the right choices in their lives and ultimately become whole and productive members of society! :)
What I am suggesting is NOT to take a screaming toddler and give him a piece of candy to make him be quiet. Nor is it to take a 10 year old who just snotted off to his parents and say, "Oh, how about if you go play your play station for a while since you snotted off to me. NOT! LOL
First, we must observe what is calming to our children. Know them...and what makes them tick! That takes time. Rocking them? A cartoon? A cool drink?
Reading a favorite book? Very similar to what is calming to us: Exercise, Starbucks, a movie, a book...and then going for instruction somewhere... the scripture, FRUA, a support group, etc.
In REALITY, YOU are your Child's Support Group!
I have never heard of a support group not being supportive. LOL (well, just maybe)
I'm talking about a real support group that is face to face. If somebody fails, the support group ENCOURAGES, GIVES INSTRUCTION, COMES ALONGSIDE......They may have words that cut us to the heart..... "What you did was unacceptable, but I KNOW you can do better! I will be here to help you!"
As I said, this is not devoid of instruction. "How could you have handled this better?" "What happened? " And then discuss ways to change our reactions to what happened. This is where the tools come in for the child. "What tool can YOU use to help you. "Love, kindness, telling the truth"..... as a child learns that they are "loved and accepted", they will make a huge shift and times of turmoil become few and far between.
I would say we are at that place for the most part with the 3 of the girlies and rapidly getting there with number 4. However, she has only been home for 3 months.
To tell her, "I KNOW you want to do what is right", and see her little head affirm with a yes movement brings me joy, as she is dysregulated and hanging onto me for dear life. She LOVES getting the affirmation that we believe she WANTS to do what is right and is finding her way out of a very dark place. I believe she can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and continues to rapidly do better and better.
Here is where some of the types of NATURAL consequences in life work.... If we were in a store, and our daughter wanted a new outfit, and that is not why we went into the store, and she were to have an attitude (speaking pre teen age here now), I would quietly request that she understand now is not the time, I didn't say never, but attitude needs to change. If she cannot get it together, we will have to leave and come back later. And then DO it! This is not a punishment. It is a result of not being fit for public. I have done this with all of my toddler age children and one time with a pre teen..... As part of the instruction I did let them know that I was sad. I really needed to get food for our home, and I really needed to finish my shopping and now I can't. And that makes me sad. I have NEVER had any child say, "I don't care." Typically they will say, "I'll try mommy, I really will! I'm sorry!" (in the car)
We would THEN have a time of instruction.... what is expected in the store as a reminder, what ways they can help themselves stay regulated in a store, "think about something else besides what you want", talk about them helping put things in the basket.... etc. and then go back. For a little one, they may need to go home and take a nap for a while and then go back. ( I never take a tired toddler into a store)
And the BIGGEST THING.... Do NOT punish a child WITH YOUR OWN BAD ATTITUDE AND DYSREGULATION! Be cheerful... things have moved on... move on yourself!
Take the same situation: Kid dysregulated in a store. It doesn't make sense to me to tell an already upset child: If you don't stop, you will lose your computer for a week. Or if you don't stop no soccer practice. It seems that unrelated punishments, and removal of priveledges that have nothing to do with the situation, make no sense to the child. They are disconnected. Yes, your child likes soccer and computer, but it seems that to address a problem by withholding something they find comforting or just enjoy, is schizophrenic (disconnected) to the issue. They are not behaving badly because they have computer or play soccer, there is something much deeper.
I have also seen some who would say, "If you don't stop I am going to ......(fill in the blank) but they have given no instruction or tools on how to stop. And the same behavior repeats and repeats and repeats. Discipline is not equal punishment. You may get a short term effect.... but in the long term you are still having to punish, punish, punish.
Our goals should be long term solutions that stick! LOL
Do not EVER ignore a child who would say things that are unkind or rude in a store and just keep shopping.... EVER, even if you have to go without milk. The child is more important. The discipleship is more important!
I think the store scenario is easy for me to explain because it has to do with public behavior. And it has to do with action required right away.
I just wanted to make sure you understand I am not advocating screaming toddler in basket= getting a toy to hold so he is quiet. That is not instructive nor is it healthy.
The ULTIMATE goal is to lead our Children to the GREAT Comforter, Jesus Christ. :) It is to teach them to reach out to HIM and to be changed from the INSIDE out. Outward conformity without Spititual Renewal will at best be temporary.
But instruction that leads to LIFE, has eternal benefit. :)
When I go to the Lord with my own problems, He is glad to hear from me, he DELIGHTS in His children. He loves for me to pour my heart out to him.... the good the bad and the ugly..... and I receive comfort and instruction.
This is what should be happening with our children. Comfort and instruction.
I hope that makes things a little more clearer than mud. LOL
(Holly, I used to teach preschool a long time ago, and I LOVED having the "trouble kids" in my class.
They were the ones who didn't fit in for "circle time"..... The best thing I could do for them was when I saw them start to squirm, call their name, "Isn't that right Jarod!" "Caleb, can you help me find the B?" and let him get up and find it... he was so proud, and then would sit down once again, and then I'd pick a quieter little Suzy... LOL....) A good friend of mine could chime in on this one. She had a child in her French class that she had to send to get a drink of water if he was dysregulated.... it wasn't a reward... it worked to calm him and he became a favorite student.)
Ok, I think I just threw up a post. LOL
Friday, May 27, 2011
Things
I have a few things that I really like. But they are just things. One of the things I inherited from my family is this Pitcher:
I have the matching salad bowl too. I have fond memories of using it when I was a child.... it was often filled with Iced Tea or Koolaid.
The girlies like to make Lemonade. They actually like Lemonade without the sugar, which is really refreshing. I guess you could really call it Lemon Water. :)
Normally, I keep this pitcher in my curio cabinet and it isn't used. The girls always admire it and when they were littler I didn't let them use it. But now that they are older, there is no real reason NOT to use it! It is pretty, and lovely and sturdy. It is a THING. I wonder how many things we have that we never use. They are just there..... sitting.... waiting to be used.....
I want to make sure that we make memories with this pitcher, just like I had memories of it when I was little. :)
I'm glad the girls are putting it to good use.
The girlies like to make Lemonade. They actually like Lemonade without the sugar, which is really refreshing. I guess you could really call it Lemon Water. :)
Normally, I keep this pitcher in my curio cabinet and it isn't used. The girls always admire it and when they were littler I didn't let them use it. But now that they are older, there is no real reason NOT to use it! It is pretty, and lovely and sturdy. It is a THING. I wonder how many things we have that we never use. They are just there..... sitting.... waiting to be used.....
I want to make sure that we make memories with this pitcher, just like I had memories of it when I was little. :)
I'm glad the girls are putting it to good use.
Regulation and Comfort
Mike wanted me to post about some ideas we were discussing the other day. Many times when we are working with one of the girlies on things, or if we stumble onto something neat, we share it with each other and discuss it.....
I haven't been able to put it into words the last few days because of other worries on my heart, like Ilse, and Tim, and bad memories of long ago. :(
But today, good news! Ilse may be coming home on Sunday! Her pain is under control and she is tolerating her feeds. YEA!
So now, I think I can remember how to write this. :)
Several Days ago, 2 of the girls were having a spat. Most of the time, it is a problem with communication. Alli, many times misunderstands things. She takes something wrong, or she says something that doesn't quite come out right.....
This happened in the morning, and as she and I were talking about it, it dawned on me that she needed something to help her cool down AND get her mind off of her hurt feelings. So, after we talked, and I went through a really good teaching moment about respecting each other, especially mommy.... :) I then told her, "You know what? I think it would be good if you took your computer time now. You like it, and it will help you to calm yourself a little more. " She was already mournful for what had happened, but she tends to dwell on her failures.... I felt that the computer time was a good icebreaker to move into the rest of the day.
She looked at me surprised. "I still get to have my computer time?" She thought I might take it away!
I told her, "Why would I take something away that helps you?" And off she went to the computer.
When I was telling Mike about our successes, he said, "You know.... that is interesting because many times as parents, we tend to look for something to remove or take away, and it may be the very thing our children NEED to HELP them regulate.
It is amazing how ingrained the idea of taking away things to make a point, or punish, is in all of us.
I know that as an adult, when I start to feel dysregulated, I too go for comforts to calm me. I will pray, read, get on the computer, watch a dvd...... interesting..... if it is ok for me, why not them?
I have also heard people say to others who are dysregulated that they should comfort themselves with chocolate, shopping, a massage, take yourself out to dinner, etc...... Folks, these seem like REWARDS to me.
Why do we reward ourselves with something special when we are dysregulated, but for our kids, we tend to punish?
So, just sharing, that it might be good to rethink that.
The very tool our child may need, whatever it may be.... art supplies, jumping on a trampoline, dress up, roller skating, watching a dvd, listening to music, working on the computer may very well be the tool they need in their toolbox to regulate. :)
you can read part 2 here.
I haven't been able to put it into words the last few days because of other worries on my heart, like Ilse, and Tim, and bad memories of long ago. :(
But today, good news! Ilse may be coming home on Sunday! Her pain is under control and she is tolerating her feeds. YEA!
So now, I think I can remember how to write this. :)
Several Days ago, 2 of the girls were having a spat. Most of the time, it is a problem with communication. Alli, many times misunderstands things. She takes something wrong, or she says something that doesn't quite come out right.....
This happened in the morning, and as she and I were talking about it, it dawned on me that she needed something to help her cool down AND get her mind off of her hurt feelings. So, after we talked, and I went through a really good teaching moment about respecting each other, especially mommy.... :) I then told her, "You know what? I think it would be good if you took your computer time now. You like it, and it will help you to calm yourself a little more. " She was already mournful for what had happened, but she tends to dwell on her failures.... I felt that the computer time was a good icebreaker to move into the rest of the day.
She looked at me surprised. "I still get to have my computer time?" She thought I might take it away!
I told her, "Why would I take something away that helps you?" And off she went to the computer.
When I was telling Mike about our successes, he said, "You know.... that is interesting because many times as parents, we tend to look for something to remove or take away, and it may be the very thing our children NEED to HELP them regulate.
It is amazing how ingrained the idea of taking away things to make a point, or punish, is in all of us.
I know that as an adult, when I start to feel dysregulated, I too go for comforts to calm me. I will pray, read, get on the computer, watch a dvd...... interesting..... if it is ok for me, why not them?
I have also heard people say to others who are dysregulated that they should comfort themselves with chocolate, shopping, a massage, take yourself out to dinner, etc...... Folks, these seem like REWARDS to me.
Why do we reward ourselves with something special when we are dysregulated, but for our kids, we tend to punish?
So, just sharing, that it might be good to rethink that.
The very tool our child may need, whatever it may be.... art supplies, jumping on a trampoline, dress up, roller skating, watching a dvd, listening to music, working on the computer may very well be the tool they need in their toolbox to regulate. :)
you can read part 2 here.
Something Really Neat Happened Today!
We have had such a wonderful day.... REALLY WONDERFUL!
I just wanted to share that Alli has some issues trying to get on her blog. She hasn't been on for almost 2 weeks because she spells words wrong but she won't ask for help. I offer, and she usually says, "It isn't me, it's the computer!" I always say ok sweetie...but when you are ready, I'm here to help....
Today was that day! She came out when I was talking to Daddy in the Shoppe and said, "I'm having trouble getting on my blog again!" I asked once again. "Do you need help?" She said, "No..." and then she smiled and said, "Well maybe I do!" YEA ALLI!
So we were headed into the house and she was so excited!
"Can you help me put music on my blog?" SURE!
We had a great time...
And then, it was time to clean up for Friday Night. We had lots of laundry to fold.
They all started folding and putting away...... and then I turned around and they had broken into dancing. They didn't know I was filming this. :)
So here is a peek at the girlies folding clothes and breaking into spontaneous dance. LOL
I just wanted to share that Alli has some issues trying to get on her blog. She hasn't been on for almost 2 weeks because she spells words wrong but she won't ask for help. I offer, and she usually says, "It isn't me, it's the computer!" I always say ok sweetie...but when you are ready, I'm here to help....
Today was that day! She came out when I was talking to Daddy in the Shoppe and said, "I'm having trouble getting on my blog again!" I asked once again. "Do you need help?" She said, "No..." and then she smiled and said, "Well maybe I do!" YEA ALLI!
So we were headed into the house and she was so excited!
"Can you help me put music on my blog?" SURE!
We had a great time...
And then, it was time to clean up for Friday Night. We had lots of laundry to fold.
They all started folding and putting away...... and then I turned around and they had broken into dancing. They didn't know I was filming this. :)
So here is a peek at the girlies folding clothes and breaking into spontaneous dance. LOL
So proud of them and of how Alli is settling in so very nicely. :) She is such a brave girl! :)
A Hurting Mama Heart
Yep, I 'm talking about me again.
Our sweet little Grand baby Ilse, had to have surgery to put a G-Tube in yesterday. I talked to the kids and they were upset that she was not getting her pain medication on time and she was crying. A nurse came in and said, "She's fine."
I cannot tell you how that made me feel. It brought back memories of Tim, laying there in horrible pain and nurses coming in and saying, "He's fine". Well, HE WASN'T FINE! He was in Pain! I finally went and found the hospital director who was in his office studying. I knocked on his door and said, "Is it normal for a 6 year old to be writing in pain without the ability to even fall asleep?" He said NO it is NOT! I asked him to come with me, because I couldn't get anybody to listen to me.....
The mistakes made on my Tim were awful.
He had Bilateral Femoral Osteotomy aductor releases and was in a body cast with his legs spread wide apart. He was swollen, even his hair hurt.
When they completed the surgery, his physician FORGOT to order pain meds for when he woke up.
(This is like taking a jack hammer to your hips, screws, metal plates and all, and then just waking you up.) We could hear him screaming from the general surgery waiting area.... "My legs have been cut off!"
Poor baby. They then put him in an ambulance and took him back to Carry Tingly Hospital in NM, and it was about 3 more hours before they got ANY meds into him at all. I was in shock. They gave him his meds finally, but it didn't seem to make much difference. Finally, after the 2nd day, it was found out that the meds given to him were for that of a 6 month old baby, not a 6 year old child!
Once they got his meds corrected, on the 3rd day, he was much better. He had nightmares and cried everytime he heard an ambulance siren for a LONG time. He still remembers.
My personal opinion.... my son had Cerebral palsy and there are those in the medical community (they know who they are) who would just as soon see people with disabilities disappear.
We have seen it, heard it, felt it, for years. It doesn't change. There are always those with hard hearts who DO NOT CARE..... they fail to see that they have flaws..... and think that they should have the best of care no matter what! They are also the ones who are indifferent to children with special needs.
What do I say to them? Nothing. What do I think? When I get past feeling angry....(another bag)
I pity them. Because there is a chance that someday, they will be a position of neediness. It only takes one accident. One stroke.... One diagnosis.... and boom, you are in diapers, in need of somebody to feed and care for you...!" And guess what..... you may wind up with one of those folks who think YOU don't deserve to live.
Our sweet little Grand baby Ilse, had to have surgery to put a G-Tube in yesterday. I talked to the kids and they were upset that she was not getting her pain medication on time and she was crying. A nurse came in and said, "She's fine."
I cannot tell you how that made me feel. It brought back memories of Tim, laying there in horrible pain and nurses coming in and saying, "He's fine". Well, HE WASN'T FINE! He was in Pain! I finally went and found the hospital director who was in his office studying. I knocked on his door and said, "Is it normal for a 6 year old to be writing in pain without the ability to even fall asleep?" He said NO it is NOT! I asked him to come with me, because I couldn't get anybody to listen to me.....
The mistakes made on my Tim were awful.
He had Bilateral Femoral Osteotomy aductor releases and was in a body cast with his legs spread wide apart. He was swollen, even his hair hurt.
When they completed the surgery, his physician FORGOT to order pain meds for when he woke up.
(This is like taking a jack hammer to your hips, screws, metal plates and all, and then just waking you up.) We could hear him screaming from the general surgery waiting area.... "My legs have been cut off!"
Poor baby. They then put him in an ambulance and took him back to Carry Tingly Hospital in NM, and it was about 3 more hours before they got ANY meds into him at all. I was in shock. They gave him his meds finally, but it didn't seem to make much difference. Finally, after the 2nd day, it was found out that the meds given to him were for that of a 6 month old baby, not a 6 year old child!
Once they got his meds corrected, on the 3rd day, he was much better. He had nightmares and cried everytime he heard an ambulance siren for a LONG time. He still remembers.
My personal opinion.... my son had Cerebral palsy and there are those in the medical community (they know who they are) who would just as soon see people with disabilities disappear.
We have seen it, heard it, felt it, for years. It doesn't change. There are always those with hard hearts who DO NOT CARE..... they fail to see that they have flaws..... and think that they should have the best of care no matter what! They are also the ones who are indifferent to children with special needs.
What do I say to them? Nothing. What do I think? When I get past feeling angry....(another bag)
I pity them. Because there is a chance that someday, they will be a position of neediness. It only takes one accident. One stroke.... One diagnosis.... and boom, you are in diapers, in need of somebody to feed and care for you...!" And guess what..... you may wind up with one of those folks who think YOU don't deserve to live.
A Really Great Quote
I found a wonderful quote on this blog.... I have prayed for these two little girls to find a family. I am excited to see that they have. :)
This is the Quote:
I'd like to ask God why He lets poverty and injustice exist, why there are so many orphans and why He does nothing about it, but I am afraid He would ask me the same question.
This is the Quote:
I'd like to ask God why He lets poverty and injustice exist, why there are so many orphans and why He does nothing about it, but I am afraid He would ask me the same question.
That is so true! It exists because WE let it exist. We close our hearts to our fellow man... we deem those who are "worthy" and those who are not. We live in a fallen, sinful world. We don't like to be uncomfortable. We don't like to think that maybe we work to provide for somebody we don't even know; that maybe God has given us MUCH, not for us to to keep, instead so that we can have much to give for HIS glory.....to answer another's prayer.
These little girls have wanted nothing in life but love. Because of this family answering that call.....
they may be experiencing love for the very first time.
One friend, Keri, who is a single adoptive mother.... planning to adopt again, and raising money for her daughter's former orphanage, has made it back to Russia once again to bless the Children in that orphanage. She is amazing and carries a HUGE burden for the children.
She is starting a new program to help them. But SHE needs help.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Ilse Joy
If you think about it, please pray for our 3 week old grand daughter, Ilse Joy tonight along with her parents, Tim and Em. Em's will be spending the night with Ilse tonight. She had surgery today, and is in pain. :(
I Opened A Bag I Didn't Know Was There
Today, I opened a bag that I didn't know I was still carrying.
You know, how in Heather Forbe's Book "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" she talks about parents dealing with their own stuff, before they can deal with the kids? I have even written about it here.
And yet, today, I found myself getting stressed, feeling frustration, and not communicating like I needed to, to help the girls understand what I needed from them.
When I was a kid, one of the things we got into trouble for ALOT, was how we kept our drawers, our room, how we made our beds and how we did our chores.
I have been ok in teaching the girls how to do their chores, and keep things clean when they were smaller.
But for some reason, today, I felt like, they SHOULD know how to do things by now. And when I was looking over their room.... I found "dress up clothes" that belong outside in the trunk, HUNG UP, and clean clothes, that I had washed, on the floor, behind the book case, wadded in drawers...... and I started to cry.
I was so frustrated......and then, I found the chess pieces to a very expensive chess board, in the closet loose on a shelf???
So the conversation goes....
"Why are the chess pieces in here?"
They have always been in here....
"Ummm, no they haven't, do you remember what we keep them in?"
Yes... a basket.
"Where is the basket?"
I took it outside for play.....
So the chess pieces WERE in the right PLACE, just minus the container that was supposed to hold them....
I was forgetting that much of my girl's play is still much younger than their age.
I was dysregulated......
I sat down and started to cry and all my little women came around me. They hugged me and said, "I'm sorry mommy"...... which made me feel worse......but better in a way, as I knew they cared.
I was a big fat failure today.
I pulled myself up and went and talked to Mike and he brought out the "hmmm. think there may be something there from long ago?" ugh.....
yes.
There is LOTS there from long ago. LOL
So he gave me His ideas on things and how I can keep from getting overwhelmed with the girlie dorm room. :)
He had much good to say and offered some much needed support for a weary mommy soul.
He also said not to worry about getting my expensive tooth fixed. I need to keep my tooth. That was a huge relief for me. I know how hard he works and my tooth is more than a weeks work. :(
Part of me today is also sad because I could not be with my older children while our Ilse had her surgery. She had a G-tube put in today. I feel like a big fat failure there too. But I couldn't cancel a Dr. appointment and a Dentist Appointment and cancel school on top of that..... UGH
The life of a mom with older and younger children is hard. My older children sometimes get my neglect, as the younger children need me. :/
I don't know what the answer is, other than to trust the Lord. He ALWAYS knows. And as Mike said,
"Your bags are heavy because YOU are carrying them." Let them go. :)
He was right.
I feel so much better now...... :)
You know, how in Heather Forbe's Book "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" she talks about parents dealing with their own stuff, before they can deal with the kids? I have even written about it here.
And yet, today, I found myself getting stressed, feeling frustration, and not communicating like I needed to, to help the girls understand what I needed from them.
When I was a kid, one of the things we got into trouble for ALOT, was how we kept our drawers, our room, how we made our beds and how we did our chores.
I have been ok in teaching the girls how to do their chores, and keep things clean when they were smaller.
But for some reason, today, I felt like, they SHOULD know how to do things by now. And when I was looking over their room.... I found "dress up clothes" that belong outside in the trunk, HUNG UP, and clean clothes, that I had washed, on the floor, behind the book case, wadded in drawers...... and I started to cry.
I was so frustrated......and then, I found the chess pieces to a very expensive chess board, in the closet loose on a shelf???
So the conversation goes....
"Why are the chess pieces in here?"
They have always been in here....
"Ummm, no they haven't, do you remember what we keep them in?"
Yes... a basket.
"Where is the basket?"
I took it outside for play.....
So the chess pieces WERE in the right PLACE, just minus the container that was supposed to hold them....
I was forgetting that much of my girl's play is still much younger than their age.
I was dysregulated......
I sat down and started to cry and all my little women came around me. They hugged me and said, "I'm sorry mommy"...... which made me feel worse......but better in a way, as I knew they cared.
I was a big fat failure today.
I pulled myself up and went and talked to Mike and he brought out the "hmmm. think there may be something there from long ago?" ugh.....
yes.
There is LOTS there from long ago. LOL
So he gave me His ideas on things and how I can keep from getting overwhelmed with the girlie dorm room. :)
He had much good to say and offered some much needed support for a weary mommy soul.
He also said not to worry about getting my expensive tooth fixed. I need to keep my tooth. That was a huge relief for me. I know how hard he works and my tooth is more than a weeks work. :(
Part of me today is also sad because I could not be with my older children while our Ilse had her surgery. She had a G-tube put in today. I feel like a big fat failure there too. But I couldn't cancel a Dr. appointment and a Dentist Appointment and cancel school on top of that..... UGH
The life of a mom with older and younger children is hard. My older children sometimes get my neglect, as the younger children need me. :/
I don't know what the answer is, other than to trust the Lord. He ALWAYS knows. And as Mike said,
"Your bags are heavy because YOU are carrying them." Let them go. :)
He was right.
I feel so much better now...... :)
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