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Monday, March 12, 2012

What BCLC Is NOT!

I have written about BCLC several times because of the misconceptions out there regarding how one parents using the BCLC paradigm.  Recently there have been some questions I have been asked, so I wanted to clarify.....

What BCLC is NOT:

1. A kid led fun fest
2.  A guide for Wimpy Parent excuses
3.  A style of parenting where the kid rules
4. An excuse for snotty unruly kids
5. A parentless gimic that will end up in monster teenagers.
6. A parenting style that lacks authority
7. A liberal, free to be you and me, parenting gimmick.

BCLC is ALSO NOT:
1. A fear based parenting style.
2. A consequence based parenting style
3. A punishment based parenting style.
(I could go on, but I'll spare you)
What BCLC IS:

1. A patient parenting style
2. A KIND parenting style
3. A listening parenting style
4. A RELATIONSHIP based parenting style.
5. A parenting style based on forgiveness, mercy and grace.
6. A love based parenting style...

BCLC  does NOT allow kids to get away with murder.  We have respectful and kind girls around here, and our boys are the same.
I think the main point about BCLC, is that PARENTING IS NOT ABOUT Consequences, Logic, and Control ....Parenting is about raising a child to be a successful, secure and happy adult.  And if you begin your "relationship" as strangers, ESPECIALLY in light of older child adoption,  trying to control and punish unwanted behaviors is only going to cause more division, mistrust and hurt, sending you down a path of great regret and sorrow upon sorrow.



When you have somebody come into your home, you don't just throw the book of laws at them and force them to comply..... you lovingly,  guide them and teach them, building a trusting relationship along the way.
You find the things they are doing right. You study them and concentrate on the things that you love about them.  Even if it is one thing!  And then you seek to find more. 

There WILL be those times of struggle, and when they are struggling, and you show them great mercy and compassion, that BUILDS a relationship.  EVENTUALLY, things fall in to place and you get in a rhythm or dance that is called RELATIONSHIP.  They learn to trust you.
They can TRUST YOU BECAUSE you are not hurting them, criticizing their every move and making them feel like something is WRONG with them that needs to be FIXED..... 
Instead, you see them as a WHOLE person who has a REAL  NEED to have a voice, who NEEDS to be heard and understood. 
As you develop that trusting relationship, there is a whole LOT of instruction going on and a WHOLE lot of listening going on, and it has a great effect upon  the healing of your child.

When a relationship is REAL, then you will be seen as a REAL Authority and NOT somebody who has forced yourself on them.

Grace upon Grace, just as God has given us Grace upon Grace.  Do they deserve punishment sometimes?  I can think of several times this year where Miss Alli would have deserved punishment or consequences.  And though it was deserved LOGICALLY, it would never have been received and would have caused GREAT DAMAGE to her, because of her past circumstances.  
Instead, we have worked on relationship building, and understanding that our words can hurt others.
She has learned SO VERY MUCH this year and come farther than I ever expected. And I praise the Lord and give HIM glory for that.

She has been led to the everlasting water  that refreshes the soul, and she is drinking.....on her own. :) 

Today, things are way more relaxed and I can be that authority in her life that she needs, without her feeling afraid.  It is a position that I have had to earn through a lot of hard work.
I know that today, if I were to give her a consequence, she would accept it. But I do not feel the need.
If something is wrong that we need to talk about, we work it out through quiet and kind instruction and conversation, based in biblical grace and mercy. 

Yesterday, during our Pastor's sermon, in the book of Amos.... (OLD TESTAMENT)  I found something very interesting. In fact our pastor drew it out and related it to raising children.  In Amos Chapter 7, God gives Amos a vision of what the people deserve, yet he instead chooses to show them grace upon grace.  They are unrepentant... His grace and mercy is not based upon what they DID.... it is based upon His infinite love for a stiff necked people.
(that is what GOD calls them)
There are several instances in scripture of GOD NOT giving what is deserved, starting in the Garden.
God is SLOW to Anger, abounding in Great Love and forgiveness.... He is the SAME in the OT as in the NEW.....
Are we slow to anger? Are we ABOUNDING in loving kindness?
That does not mean God has never punished, he has.  And eventually, I believe He will.  But GRACE and MERCY cover us.  And HIS desire is that we would all have relationship with Him.  He will take NO PLEASURE in punishment. NONE.....
Can we say the same thing? 

There have been conversations in our home before about not taking advantage of Grace. It is not there so we can go on doing whatever we want, and those conversations have been taken very seriously.

What I have found, is that TRUST is built, and the children have developed INTERNAL CONTROL instead of being constantly controlled EXTERNALLY by somebody else.  And there is a peaceful contentment in that.

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