Anna has many "anniversaries" in her inner clock, that seem to have come to haunt her every year.
August has always been a traumatic month.... she was moved in August more than once. Her most traumatic one, was when she was removed from her mother. She remembered the police taking her away and for many years she was afraid of the police.
August would always bring up conversations about police, her birth mother, her memories, and it always seemed to be combined with inner turmoil.
Her other anniversary was Christmas. She was removed 2 times during holidays. One of those times was to come to our house. It was December and she was so scared that Santa Clause wouldn't know where her new home was. I remember her worrying so much, and no matter how much we encouraged her that He knew, she had a hard time sleeping on Christmas Eve that year.
All of these years, we have learned to read the bumps in the road with her, according to her internal memory/anniversary. It seems that keeping that in mind, secures one's compassion to get through behaviors that otherwise seem more like plain rebellion. But when looked at through the lens of the child with a trauma background; while it may be a rebellious act or snotty attitude, there is something much deeper behind it.
That does not mean, that during that time, we wouldn't use correction and instruction and lots of deep breathing to get her through, and us through. But it does mean, that our focus and direction were that of restoration and healing, not punishment and relationship abandonment.
We have made some amazing strides this year with all of our girls. They are becoming young ladies and the hormones are flowing, and the "dread" that I have heard so many moms speak of, is .........
just NOT there. DID I say that? I am NOT dreading the teens? YES I did!
I didn't dread the teen years with my boys, and we do not have any plans to dread them with our girls.
I love teenagers, and I LOVE tweenagers. They are just so cute. They are discovering all sorts of things about themselves and about life.
I am AMAZED at them. Not only did we not have an anniversary/internal clock issue with Sarah or Erika in April or May.... we did not have one with Anna in August or September......
In fact, the months passed and I was waiting.... and breathing..... and I just got to see them blossom.
Wow! I shed tears of joy to see them loving each other, loving us and loving God.
I have seen them pull together as sisters and really enjoy each other's company so much.
It is a relationship that I would have treasured among my sisters. Our boys have a similar bond, and are very close. I am so happy to see that bond being forged with the sisters too.
For those of you who are skeptical about using methods like BCLC (Beyond Consequences Logic and Control) consider that Relationship is placed in utmost importance. Relationship FIRST.
What I have seen is that in teaching our girls about themselves, they are so much more open to have "Relationship first" with their siblings. I see them working things out in the most understanding of ways.
It is precious.
At first we weren't understanding what was happening and I, YES I, even escalated things by challenging her on what she was saying in front of the girls.
But in my prayer, it dawned on me, (the Lord SHOWED me) that I was not loving my neighbor! I wept tears of sadness , realizing that I had not been a good example to anybody in my mama bear protection of my girls.
So I told the girls that I was sorry and we need to pray for our neighbor. And then, we made a plan to be kind to her no matter what.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to use BCLC on her! I was actually a little excited to try it out! :)
Weird I know.....
She came over cursing at us and yelling at us.... she thought her husband had loaned us tools and she wanted them back. We have never met her husband, as he passed away 2 years before we moved here.
So, instead of saying "We don't have your tools!" I said, "Those tools are important, aren't they!"
She said, "YES! They were my husbands!"
I said, "You must really miss him!" She had a tear and said, "Yes, I do."
So, I asked her, "So when you were younger, what did you do for a living?" Her face brightened and she began to tell me that she was an accountant. And I shared that our son was an accountant too!
"He is??" yes, maam! A CPA!
I asked her about her grand sons, and she beamed with pride. And then I gave her a big hug, walking her back to the gate. She said, "Well, ya'll have a nice day!" I said, You too! And she was gone.
Tomorrow, she may be back for something else. It has been happening often, and I am sad that she most likely has althimers or severe senile dementia.
BUT..... BCLC works! Yea!
It was a LOT easier to redirect her, than to be confrontational with the truth. "Hello, we don't have your husbands tools!" (the truth is important, but in her case it won't do any good)
Why is it that it is so much easier for us to fall into the negative than be in control with our emotions
even when we KNOW the fallout won't be good??!!!
I have been writing alot about my rocking chair and I have to say, it is a big part of BCLC parenting,