When we choose to enter a relationship through friendship, marriage, adoption or even in "cyber space", those interchanges effect us. We cannot just exit a relationship and have it not effect us in some way.
Have you ever tried to glue tissue paper together and then pull it apart? ) I challenge you to try this with your children. It is a very good object lesson to learn.)
When you try to pull the paper apart, it doesn't just come apart and become what it once was. Instead part of each piece is forever stuck to the other piece. The paper is crumpled and torn looking. It isn't that beautiful piece of paper it started out to be.
When a couple chooses to divorce, they will never be able to go back to how things were before the marriage. When a family chooses to disrupt, they will never have that "happy family" back. When a friendship breaks up, the friendship will always have an imprint upon our lives and hearts.
Why? Why can we not just make a "clean break"? Because relationships are much like Tissue Paper.
When we come together making a connection with another human being, and then that relationship is severed for whatever reason, a part of that person forever is imprinted in our hearts; good or bad.
Relationships are messy things and need to be regarded with great care and consideration.
When we enter marriage or adoption, there is an even GREATER level of care and consideration that we must take into account. Marriage and adoption are inside of our home! That relationship exists day in and day out, and it is of utmost importance to count the cost before entering into such a covenant.
It was said by somebody "I just want my happy family back," because of the great stress they were under, due to a difficulty with a child that had wreaked havoc on their home.
While it is certainly understandable to want peace..... the wanting of the "original situation" minus the added child is NOT real. There will NEVER be the "happy family back".
WHY? Because of the tissue paper example. The child has and will FOREVER be imprinted on their hearts.
(There is that RARE case where it is necessary for a child to be removed from a home due to extreme danger, but that is not the norm, even for children with extreme diagnosis. A dear friend of mine has just gone through this experience)
If we begin to fantasize about how family was BEFORE the marriage or BEFORE this child came into our lives, there is a danger of us pulling away and not working on the relationship. It can stagnate, and then deteriorate. We will no longer want to try.
And the danger of that fantasy is; it is A FANTASY. It is not real. WHY? Because of the tissue paper example. :)
I have not met a family yet, who was not GREATLY effected by choices made to end a relationship.
It seems even more devastating if the relationship being terminated, is with a child.
The costs of devotion in our families that come through adoption can be very HIGH; and I am not talking monetary here. I am talking about integrating a very hurt, traumatized child, who has their own multiply shredded pieces of tissue paper imprinted on their broken little hearts.
If ANYBODY knows vulnerability and pain, it is the child of trauma and rejection. They DO NOT want more shredded tissue paper. They understand how fragile relationships can be, after all, they have seen enough of them broken.
So really, it is up to us to MAKE SURE that the relationship we bind together is NEVER separated, just as in marriage.
Just as we count the cost of relationships, our children do too. For some of them, they are willing to take that plunge quickly and they never look back. For others, they need to carefully consider what they have been brought into, and then they slowly and surely connect.
For us.... we patiently wait, and seal those pieces of tissue paper together, firmly in the bonds of Love, so that they will never come apart.
The questions I ask myself are: "Would I want to be mothered by me?" "Would I connect with and love me if I were a scared kid?" "How can I LOVE my children how THEY need to be loved?" "What do I need to lay aside in myself, so my children can succeed?" "Why do I REACT to certain things that are really not that big of a deal?" "Why do I hold onto those buttons?" "When I look at myself in the mirror, do I see a loving smile, or face or expression?" "Or, do I see a crabby, grouchy, touchy version of myself?" "How can I change, so I can help my child?"
Life is rich and complicated, full of the unexpected and the glorious. It is full of hurt and pain and revelation. In this life we are brought to our knees or the ends of our ropes, and when we let go, that is where HE catches us! And we realize that In Christ, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, including keeping the most delicate of