ERIKA and SARAH

 I just wanted to write tonight about two very special sisters.  They have been through so much together and have known each other longer than we have known them. :)

The bond that they have together is precious and they have helped each other cope with difficult physical issues.

I remember when we found out that Erika's feet had to be amputated, she had Sarah's wonderful example to depend upon. She said, "I'll be like Sarah, only I'll have 2 prosthetics!

They have supported each other with unconditional love and maturity, beyond their years,  that amazes me. And they are WONDERFUL sisters to Anna and Alli. 

I have seen them give and give and give and give of themselves.  They are loving daughters, and we are so proud of them!

We are so BLESSED to be the Parents God chose, for our two little Ukrainian's who were always meant to be sisters. :)

At the hospital....

An Anna and Alli Funny

"Mom, not next weekend but the weekend after can you make blueberry muffins for breakfast?"
Sure.... but why not next weekend?
"Because I have kitchen duty that week.

LOL

Alli came in the house all hunched over.  I asked her, "are you ok?"  "Why are you bent over like that?  It isn't good for your back.  Can you show me how to stand straight?"  She straightened up one side but the other side was still hunched over.....

I said, "what is wrong with your shoulder?" 
She smiled and pulled out an egg that she was holding under her armpit!  She was wanting to see if she could hatch it. LOL

TRANSFORMING

                        
The last couple of days I have been contemplating life....not an unusual thing to do for me. :)
I was feeling a little tired, and starting to feel like I was in a bit of a "rut". 
I hadn't written in the girls' mom dad and me books for a while, and I didn't like that.  Some of my parenting was beginning to look a little on the LAZY side! 

Today, I decided as I was preparing for support group to just spend lunch time alone and read and pray.  I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH how REFRESHING that was!  Oh Wow!

And JUST WHAT I NEEDED was an encouraging word, which came from "The Connected Child".
We are going to be doing Chapter 9 tonight, and I am excited about it.  Chapter nine is about being PROACTIVE to make life easier with children who are struggling. 
I already had prepared for that so I moved ahead to Chapter 10.  It is on supporting healthy brain Chemistry, and then Chapter 11 is about Handling Setbacks.
BOTH of these chapters really ministered to my heart today. 

I was so encouraged that we are on the right path regarding nutrition, fish oil and nuts.  Healing CAN happen in a brain that is damaged by trauma.  I have known this, but it is the first time I read CLEAR, DISTINCT evidence from their own studies!

In Chapter 11, she is so encouraging.  She talks about setbacks children have and how we STAY THE COURSE!  (my wording)  She said to go back and look at where your child was when you started and then look at them now.  Are they calming easier? For increased lengths of time? Can you play a game with them?  Are they making warm eye contact?  Are they cooperating more? 

I began to think about EACH of our girls, where they came from and all that we have been through as a family.  Reading a blog post out loud to Mike this a.m. also brought to mind just how much progress we have made?
The questions asked in this blog post were heart wrenching to read, and we answered YES to MANY of them; no to a few.  It is a WORTH WHILE READ!<<---- link  Every adoptive family or potential adoptive family should read this. 

Putting it all in perspective today brought tears to my eyes as I contemplated my own life. :)
I am so happy.  My life is not normal. But I am so happy!  My girls are THRIVING and the LORD has been SO VERY GOOD TO US. 
We do have setbacks now and then.... me too.  But that is human nature.

Today,  I called the girls to me and  asked them a few questions:
(These are out of "The Connected Child" book.....)
1. When I was angry I used to........
     Now when I am angry I.......

2.  When I was sad I used to.......
      Now when I am sad I..........

3.  When I was afraid I used to.......
     Now when I am afraid I........

As we each answered those questions, ME included, I could see how the Lord was working in each of my girls' lives and in mine too. :)

We talked a little bit about grief and how sometimes it comes in cycles. We shouldn't be shocked or scared if we start feeling insecure or have memories come back, or waves of past pain. 
This is NORMAL, because we have not lived NORMAL....
I was more and MORE convinced today, of the ORCHESTRATION of our lives together by the Lord's hand.  We are in that TAPESTRY!  And the picture is BEAUTIFUL!

I decided to stop at the store on the way home and get some specific stickers that each girl would really like.  I also found 4 small, very cool, journals that will be different from the Mom Dad and Me books.  These are for me to write a specific verse or word of encouragement, and also to write down an awesome behavior I noticed, and then place a sticker on the page.  It is NOT a reward book.... just a book of acknowledgment for them to keep.  I pray that they memorize the scriptures and that the words I write encourage them to press on to new heights of love and wholeness!


It has been a good day. I can't wait to share tonight at support group what I learned today. :)
I'm loving the path we are on.  God is in the business of transforming lives.... and for those of us on this journey; we are transformed too. :)

HELP!

I need to make a PAGE with drop down menu for posts I want to remove  from my side bar so things don't look so "cluttered".  
Does anybody know how to do this? 
I do the pages thing in layout, but there is no drop down.....
Help please. :)

News from the Coffeys!

The Coffey family has some wonderful news!  Check out their blog!<-----link

THE OVERCOMERS

LUNGING 10 STEPS FORWARD!

Sarah has a weaker muscle in her limb challenged leg.  Alli has a weaker arm on her left side, so they have devised a girl wrestling an exercise plan where Sarah pushes against Alli's arm with her leg and Alli pushes against Sarah's leg with her arm and somehow, this is supposed to help improve things.

I'd say it is at the very least, FUN!



You can read about 3 steps backwards here. :)

Conference Session part 2

This is my talk at the conference.  It is the second session.

COMMUNICATION: A Foreign Language

 Imagine yourself moving to a new country where NOBODY speaks your native language.  Television is in another language. You stare at the news commentator and hear all these foreign sounds coming out, and you do not understand ONE THING he is saying!
You turn on a cartoon to relax and the very same thing happens.
You turn on the radio to listen to music and you hear the tune and the harmony, but you don't understand the words.
(Many of us have experienced this going to another country to adopt)

As time goes on: days, weeks, months, you begin to forget your own native language. You haven't heard it much, and you are concentrating SO HARD to try and figure out this new language; and beginning to catch on with phrases and sounds that you didn't know existed before.

You are even starting to communicate quite well in "conversational language" such as, "Hi, how are you!" "May I go outside?"  "Yes, please pass the potatoes!"  "Thank you"....etc.

But deeper thoughts, thoughts you REALLY need to share, and really wish to convey remain frustratingly locked in your mind, unable to get out because there are no words to express them.
You may begin to feel pent up frustration or rage and feel like you are going crazy!

And then.... it is that moment where you are upset because you can't express your feelings,  you explode with the strongest language you can come up with.  It ISN'T what you really want to say.
So it doesn't make sense and you KNOW it doesn't.
But to save your dignity, not wanting anybody to know that you REALLY DO NOT understand all they think you do,  you stop trying to express what you cannot.

Even in the most caring of homes where parents understand communication issues, it can be so frustrating to try and work through these issues. 

On the parents side of this, they are trying to help you communicate.  They are trying to explain in ENGLISH, and offering more words, explaining each meaning.  The more they try, "in the moment", the more frustrated you get.
And then you just say, "NEVER MIND!"
But parents don't want to hear "Never Mind"....they want to keep on trying to understand.
And then you let the H BOMB go.... "I HATE YOU!"   That is the strongest thing you can say to express your frustration.  And those words pierce the heart of your parent.....even when they know it was said in the "heat of the moment"..... They pierce your heart too.... because you just epically failed!
And you see their pain....
Then you feel shame.  And you don't really know how to express that very well either.

You feel like your parents are dissatisfied with you  all the time because of your "tone"; even though you know they are only trying to HELP you with it.
Maybe they are trying to help too much.... maybe. 
It might be a good idea to remind you how VERY WELL you are doing in most areas of life!
Sometimes parents forget. 

So, you went 3 steps back..... you apologized for your words.... and you both know, that the deeper words for expression are not there yet.
And that is ok.  We can try again another time, a better time....
And then, you pray and reach out to the one who can heal all wounds.
And a little snuggle, that universal understanding of mutual affection that needs no words,  doesn't hurt either. :)

Thirsting For the Lord

Have you ever been Thirsty?  Like, REALLY thirsty?

I have... I have been DESPERATELY thirsty!

There was a time in my life where I had hit ROCK BOTTOM.  That means, there was NO WHERE to go but up.  NO WHERE. 

Let me back up..... I was  a nice "christian" girl.  I grew up believing in Christ for my salvation.  I had placed my trust in HIM as the author and finisher of my faith.... BUT WHERE OH WHERE had He taken Me?
I was very familiar by now with my dear friends "Sorrow and Suffering".... and had even got abit used to them.

As my marriage was falling apart, as my husband had gone from Seminary Student to unbeliever with a vengeance, I found myself lost.... VERY LOST.... VERY CONFUSED.
I was supposed to be raising my children in the LOVE of the LORD!  I was supposed to be cooking nice meals, baking cookies, and having late night conversations with my spouse!  I was supposed to be attending women's bible studies and going shopping......

OH MY how life was NOT ALL THAT.....  OH MY!

I was SO BLESSED with my Four little boys. I cherished them so.  I felt so sad that I could not give them much of what I wanted to.  I felt devastated that they were not receiving the LOVE they so deserved.
We ALL went through some very hard times.
BUT GOD......

You know, he promises to never leave us or forsake us.... but HE DOES NOT PROMISE that we won't WALK THROUGH FIRE! He says he'll be there with us..... not remove the FIRE from us!

This was my life at this point in time..... walking through FIRE......

I THIRSTED for the LORD, but did not find HIM in the "organized church" that I was attending.
In fact, I found very little fellowship there.  It was more like judgment. 
I remember having to ask for food one time..... and this man walked out... He was one of the assistant pastors. IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY he said, "How did you get yourself in this situation?"
"Well, let me see..... I have been a careless jerk and married one and we have 4 kids and I am totally irresponsible!"   That is what I FELT like saying.  Instead, only tears, and I left.
I was not only in shock, but terribly hurt that he treated me in such a disrespectful manner.
I remembered his name, and MANY years later heard a sermon in another state where his name was mentioned and I nearly burst into tears. :(
This is one of the reasons I believe churches should have food pantries with NO QUESTIONS ASKED! Take what you need and when you can, give to the food pantry for others.

I am so thankful for God's word.  I remember THIRSTING for the Lord and the Presence of the Lord.
I hung out a LOT in Isaiah.  "Lo, everyone who thirsts come to the water."  and then in the NT... In the Gospel of John..... where Jesus tells the woman at the well, "I have water to give and you will never thirst again!"
I WANTED THAT WATER!

In the midst of extreme pain and turmoil, God WALKED WITH ME!  And I am SO THANKFUL!
I KNEW he was walking with me.  I knew it... but it didn't mean that time was not painful.
There are some lessons that cannot be learned any other way, than walking through them.  I now KNOW that GOD had a plan for all that pain... I just didn't know it then.
That is where FAITH comes in. 
Even though things were HARD, trusting the LORD was ALL I HAD TO HANG ON TO!
Are you going through a HARD TIME RIGHT NOW?  With your child? With your spouse?
GOD IS WITH YOU! TRUST HIM!
Press into Christ and HE will fill you to overflowing!
HE will equip you for the struggle if you trust Him.

Today, I can see VERY CLEARLY why all that pain was NECESSARY...  and sometimes why it is STILL necessary!  It WAS NECESSARY for the life I live today.  It was necessary to prepare me for my GIRLS, that were not even a part of my imagination back then! LOL
It is necessary now, to prepare me for the future.
It is AMAZING how I can look back on those times and relate them to today, with my girls... and help understand and identify with THEIR pain. Someday, my girls will do the same. :)
God is a WISE GOD..... He knows what is best for His children.
Sometimes, Pain is best, and that is OK.

Three Steps Back

Well, we're in 3 steps back mode.....
I was told I shouldn't have said such nice things because I jinxed the day! LOL
I don't think so. :)

We didn't start out so great this a.m.  It was one of those "Everybody get in the car and let's go learn about the Love of Jesus moments!"   UGH
We talked about repentance on the way, and prepared our hearts for real worship... but all day, it was just tense and off.....
Our friend Hal came over, but he was SICK and running a fever, so he couldn't stay as planned.

I talked to our sweet girl in the afternoon and finally seemed to make headway and get through about attitudes....  but.... she is still struggling. 
Communication is the biggest issue of all! I just pray for her that she learns how to use words to express herself that are accurate.  I can't imagine how hard it must be for her sometimes. :(
Anniversaries are just hard.  I so enjoyed yesterday. :)
I hope we have a great tomorrow as tomorrow is a new day, and His mercies are NEW every morning!
Looking forward to lunging 10 steps forward!
God is Faithful and Good and I rejoice in HIS LOVE for us.

Happy Anniversary Sweet Alli! Part 2....

 I posted<<--- link   about Alli's anniversary earlier today before we went shopping.... I left several links to last years anniversary.

We have had a wonderful day.  I am amazed about HOW MUCH ALLI HAS GROWN, INSIDE and OUT!
She and Sarah have grown nearly 8 inches in the last 2 years.  Alli is tied for the tallest.  I was the tallest and youngest girl in my family too. :)

She has been wanting new boots as her old ones are too small. Guess who now wears the same sized shoes as Mama!  Yep...Miss Alli!  She decided to wear her new boots shopping. :)

ISarah found a pair of Converse 50% off!  So she was a happy girl too!

Anna, Sarah and I went shopping while Erika stayed home for some coveted blogging time. :)
We headed to World Market to get some spices and cooking supplies.  Alli asked to go to the Bible book store and I found an amazing bargain myself!  The ESV Study bible for 25 dollars! Wow!
After that, we headed home and took some pictures..... and tonight, we will be with dear friends and continue our celebration!

 Alli asked for a redo of this picture..... Daddy put her on his shoulders a long time ago.
She is much bigger now! :)

 My sweet baby girl.

All my sweet baby girls!

When we passed our one year anniversary, it was like a peace came over our sweet girl and she began to rest and not be so hypervigilant.    She has continued on a path to success with ups and downs, moving forward and backwards, but always on a path of moving forward!  I like the diagram of what success looks like....
I think this diagram is so accurate for all of us!
This child, has OVERCOME..... and she is not wasting any time in enjoying her life!
She LOVES being a kid, but has relaxed abit about growing up, because we have made it very clear that life doesn't end at 18. 
I cannot stress how important this is to our kids, whether they are BIO or Adopted.  They need to know we will be there for them AFTER 18....
Our girls know that their brothers are cared about and loved and they are all adults, and that has helped prove to them the truth..... "We LOVE YOU FOREVER!" PERIOD.

One of the delights of our lives has been bringing Miss Alli into our home and watching her transform. 
I am in AWE of what the Lord has done.

Happy 2nd Anniversary To Miss Alli

Happy Anniversary to our Sweet Alli!  And she wasn't even nervous about it this year! :)
To celebrate we are headed to find jeans and boots on sale! :)

More later!

Here is our post from LAST year's first anniversary. and then part 2 and then part 3.  ( I don't think I was excited enough. LOL)

A New Table and More....

 We have needed a new table for a long time. We have looked at used tables for quite some time, but nothing seemed right, or sturdy, or the right price.
I have had my on a table for awhile, and it went down in price! 
I was given a gift for speaking in Houston, and it was just enough to cover the cost of this table with the benches.  Mike graciously said, "get the chairs too". :)  YEA!

We now have a feeling that we are eating at a table that fits us, instead of feeling so crowded on our little 23 year old table!

That table is comfortably set up on the Front Porch as an Art Table. :)

One of our customers saw some of Alli's art work.  He is an artist himself and said that she has a very good talent!  He came in to meet her. When he came back to pick up his car today, he graciously gave her a water color set which included two technique books; and some larger water color paper for painting.

 She wrote him a thank you card while he was still here on one of her new note cards. :)
What a BLESSING!

Our dear friend who  is VERY MUCH responsible for making sure Sarah found a home here in the United States is traveling to Phoenix from W.D.C.   He stopped by while the girls were on a play date, but is coming back by on Sunday and will be spending the night with us, before he travels on!
We always love seeing Mr. Hal Tait!
It is kind of strange knowing people who knew your children before you did..... However, we live a strange life. :)

Erika did Sarah's hair  today.  I thought it was just darling.  They have been watching "The Waltons" season 4.  I think this is where the hairstyle came from.


Today was such a sweet day. 
TOMORROW WILL BE EVEN SWEETER.....
GUESS WHO'S TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS TOMORROW?????<----linked

BOTHERED

About 3 days ago, I came across a Linked In post related to Adoption.  It was so disturbing, I didn't know how to reply.  As more replies came in, I was even more disturbed.  WHY?  Because this post was written by a Social Worker who is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE of adoption!

So the gist of it was.....
She is irritated by people who have "fund raisers" to adopt children.  She said that they are trying to adopt white, newborns?    She also said that it was "ICKY", and people should only adopt if they can afford it.
She blabbered on about high costs of IA and that people are "buying children".....UGH!

She has not seen or looked into the families that I know of.... like Aaron, Hasya, Harper,
Alyssa, Alex, Dennis, and many, MANY more!  ALL who are basking in their parents' love.

I was so OFFENDED, I couldn't really reply in a nice way.  The reason for my offense? 
1. I know of NOBODY who has fund raised for a perfect, white newborn!
2. I know of NO "perfect, white" newborn available for IA.
3. She said people who don't have $$, shouldn't adopt.
4. She said that fund raising is ICKY.

The sad part..... several joined in and agreed. :(

We did not fund raise, but we WOULD HAVE, to make sure Erika came home.  Instead, another person, ANGEL payed for the costs of our adoption of Erika.

This social worker, I guess would rather she rotted in a Mental Institution for the rest of her life.

Sometimes, people don't think things through. 

I do not believe there is ANYTHING wrong with Fund Raising.  Numerous children come home because of it, including Alli!  Her 1st family fund raised, and I am GLAD they did, or she wouldn't be with us!

This lady ALSO did not think you should have a garage sale, or a pancake breakfast.  I guess, you are supposed to be independently wealthy!  As if, that were important.

All I know is, that there are SEVERAL people who have fund raised to bring little ones home, and those little ones are now in families that LOVE THEM! Isn't that what Adoption is all about?

And then the comments started coming in about adopting "American" and how they couldn't understand why anybody would "buy" a child from another country when you can get one here for free. 
I am so saddened by these comments.

Folks, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE a person's decision to adopt from another country or Fund Raise for that adoption!
ALL CHILDREN need LOVE....and children do not know about borders......They need PARENTS!
We are all a part of the HUMAN RACE!
And the LORD USES MANY who are not called to adopt, to help those who ARE!

THAT IS PERFECTLY OK!!!! Except in the judgmental, short sighted, minds of some. :(

Erika's Fall, Mama's Worry

Mike asked if I could run some errands for him this afternoon which I LOVE to do. I like going for a little drive to pick up parts and just listen to the radio.

When I got home, to my SHOCK, I saw Erika LAYING by the large dumpster near the drive way.
She looked up at me and smiled.  Then I saw Alli and Mike fairly close by.....

He motioned for me to NOT get out of the car.  She was waving me by, like "Mom, I got this!"
I pulled up to Mike and rolled down the window.  He said, she fell and she wants to handle it all by herself.  I think we need to let her." 
I felt tears begin.... I HATE it, that things are so hard for her.  And she is such a good sport! For that I am so thankful.
She REALLY wants to do everything herself, and for the most part we let her....I mean, we did send her to Colorado to go Skiing... be still my heart!   But laying by the TRASH just hurt my heart!

So I waited in my car and Mike said, "Look in your rear view mirror"..... We both watched with Alli, as she GOT HERSELF UP!
She FIGURED OUT what to do and solved her problem by HERSELF!

We all shouted for joy and I honked the horn and waved!  

I still felt teary, but she didn't see it.  She saw me smile and wave and cheer her on, because that is what I'm supposed to do. 

But it still hurts.

Pulling In The Reigns

The last month I have been sloppy in my parenting, and allowing things to slide abit too much.  Trying to prepare for the conference, get some writing done, go to support group and bible study, had made me lazy on some things!

We typically have a  specific bedtime: 9:30, lights out.... We typically have specific meals that we spend TOGETHER, and I was letting some of those slide too much.... and honestly, things can happen so fast and digress so fast it is amazing! 
There wasn't anything particularly BAD going on, it was just more like "lazy".  Not only was MY room messy, chores weren't getting done as well as they should, I was not checking, and then, somebody who shall not be named began to sleep in her CLOTHES!  EEWWWW..... that is just not something we want to see.

SOOOOO,  Mike and I talked and said, "Time to pull in the reigns!"  That means, stop the direction you are going and get back on track!

We decided to make it fun.... I have this UNEDITED video to show.  We had a lot of fun with it.
We have been studying 2nd Kings for our devotions in the morning time, and we just finished reading about King Josiah.  He was told that the books of the law had been found and he gathered all of the people to listen to the books of the law.  After they had been read, he TORE his clothes out of distress, because they were so far away from where they were supposed to be... NOT following in the ways of the Lord!
We figured the girls would enjoy a reenactment with a twist..... "our own LAW". :)
I had no idea Daddy could be such a great actor! LOL
The interesting thing, was a few of them were NOT on board especially when we mentioned bedtimes or pj's...... but guess what!  After we turned off the camera, we all sat together and talked about the GOOD things about order..... and last night?  Everybody was in bed ON TIME, CLEAN, IN  PJ's.....AND everybody was UP ON TIME this a.m.!

Spring and Summer are coming quickly and we need to make the most of the sunshine! Planting season is upon us, and I know a particular little girl who WANTS to be a farmer! (This encouraged her to get up early this a.m.)

(you didn't see Erika in this because she was filming) :)

Finding Joy In The Journey

I wrote yesterday about Adoption Fantasy vs. Adoption Reality. <---linked

Today, I'd like to follow up that post by sharing some personal experiences.  Aus and Co. commented on that post and hit the nail on the head!  Sometimes the "wheels fall off  the wagon for no apparent reason"..... and we are caught off guard.
I have two distinct stories to share from two different time periods in my life, so bear with me, as I am getting rather.... old. LOL

(This picture was taken at about 5 days old in 1981.  At 16 days old things got MUCH worse, and he was down to 2lbs. 14 oz.)

When our second son Timothy was born, I had never really entered the world of Special Needs children.  I never really KNEW anybody who had special needs as a child, except one little boy who was deaf.  I was far removed from the reality that God was about to PLUNGE ME INTO!
He had a DIFFERENT STORY for me!  It was a story of sorrow and suffering, but ONLY to bring about GREAT GOOD  and joy in my life. 
Just like Much Afraid in the allegorical book, "Hind's Feet on High Places", which I HIGHLY recommend, he gave me 2 friends.... "sorrow and suffering"....
ONLY when I LEARNED TO EMBRACE THEM, did I find that what God was REALLY trying to do in my life was bring me CLOSER to HIM and cause me GREAT JOY! GREATER than I could have EVER known, had I not walked that LONELY, SCARY PATH!

I say LONELY, because I walked it, very much ALONE. 
I was rather isolated, and there was not much support.  In fact, even one of my own parent questioned me as to whether I "ate right", blaming me  for my sons premature birth. 
We were poor, living with family, something I NEVER thought I'd have to do again.... and I was all of Twenty -Two! 
I felt, KNEW that everybody thought my life was a mess, and when I called the pastor of the church we were attending, I could sense his "uncomfortableness" with my questions.  It was like he couldn't wait to get off the phone, because I didn't fit into his "false theology". In fact, he never called me, offered words of comfort or even visited the hospital where I spent 5 hours a day and  4 hours a night, 7 days a week.

The DAY after our son had the massive Hemmhorrage that we were  told would kill him, after the gut wrenching talk with our Neonatologist, I was weak and trembling.  I had asked for a week to think, before we removed him from life support, and it was granted.  2 brain activity tests were to be done. I watched part of one of them. It was unbearable for me inside, but I wasn't allowed to fall apart.  I wasn't allowed to.
The next day, I did just that. I couldn't stop crying, so I stayed alone, and wept and cried out to the Lord, hugging my 2 year old son.  He had no idea what was going on in my heart.  But His comfort was palpable.
I stayed home from the hospital for the first time that day. I had been there EVERY DAY, day AND night to hold my son's hand, soothe him, make sure he heard my voice..... but I was told he was gone.
He was just a shell.

On the day I stayed home, at around 11:30 A.M. , I got a phone call. It was one of the female Neonatologists.  She was really a nice lady. She noticed I wasn't there.  When I came to the phone she asked me, "Why aren't you here?"  I burst into tears.  "I can't do it.  I can't come!"
In no uncertain terms she told me, "YES YOU CAN! YOU MUST! YOUR SON NEEDS YOU MORE THAN EVER TODAY! YOU MUST COME!"
I appreciated her REBUKE to me so very much.  It wasn't about me, it was about HIM!
She understood my pain, but walked me through it to the other side.... YOUR SON NEEDS YOU MORE THAN EVER NOW! resounded in my heart.   YES... HE DOES.... WHAT AM I THINKING!  There is no time to feel sorry or wallow in self pity.... MY SON NEEDS ME!
So, I pulled myself together, and drove to the hospital, full of fear, anxiety and loneliness, but at the same time, holding the very hand of God.

Those life lessons have molded and shaped me over the years through many more trials.

We have 2 choices in life.... Embrace it and walk with God, or Hide from it and be destroyed.  Why choose bitterness?  Why choose self pity? It is an AWFUL WASTE OF TIME!
I choose the first. It is much more exciting! :)

As Timothy miraculously survived, and God answered my personal prayers.... that he would KNOW he was alive and to WHOM he could worship, it was very apparent, that God had chosen for us to continue down the path of raising a very special child.
Tim was the ONLY child I knew who was "handicapped". 
It was that way for YEARS.  He was the only one at church. He was the only one who had Cerebral palsy.  He was the only one who had brain damage.
When he was 3, he attended a special needs pre school for a short time, and that was the first time I saw other children who had physical disabilities besides my own son.
2 more babies later, both born prematurely..... I found myself alone again.... I was already alone, but this time, ABANDONED alone.  I was now a single mother. Oh LORD how that hurt.
Had it not been for my precious Mama Dabba, my mother in law, I do not know what I would have done.  The Lord provided her in my life at the perfect time.  I love her so.
We went through surgeries and recoveries that were gut wrenching.  And eventually, my TIM began to walk.

FAST FORWARD MANY YEARS.....
All of my boys were in college or married.  In fact, we had 4 weddings and an adoption in 2 years time!
We had taken Miss Anna to a really fun party.  It was the Annual Reformation Party where there are all sorts of friends that we sometimes see only once a year, AT THAT PARTY!  She had been home for nearly a year, and was doing really well, except when she wasn't. LOL
She had looked forward to this event all week, and the day came.  Anna was not quite 6 years old.
That night, was so special.  I watched her run around with other little girls, playing HARD and just being a KID.  It was the first time I had ever seen her really RELAX and not be nervous.  She had a GREAT TIME!
The time came to go home, and she was ready.  We did the typical transition change. We are going to be leaving in 10 minutes, then 5, then 2, then it is time to leave.  She said her goodbyes to her new beloved friends and hopped in the car.
On the way home, she began to kick the back seats and scream, "I HATED IT! I DIDN'T LIKE THOSE PEOPLE!" "I DIDN'T LIKE MY FRIENDS!" "I HATED THAT PARTY!"

It caught us a little off guard.  As Aus and Co. would say, "The wheels fell off the wagon for no apparent reason!" 
BUT BACK UP..... THERE WAS A REASON!  And thankfully the Lord revealed this to us.
Our Anna had become VULNERABLE!  She had allowed her guard down and it scared her to death!
She was working VERY HARD, OVERLY HARD to put it back up.  But it wasn't working.
These times, when our children seem to be going 3 steps back...... they are getting ready to LUNGE forward.  We can either facilitate the 3 steps back by saying something ridiculous like, "because you kicked the seats you are in time out".......OR..... We can see what is really happening and nurture our children to wholeness!
We brought our little Anna into the house and immediately headed for the rocking chair. 
It was in that moment that we held her and listened and then spoke words of love into her.  "You DESERVE to have a party and have fun!  You deserved to have fun with your friends!  It was OK for you to run and laugh and play and I loved seeing you having so much fun!"

The result of that conversation?  Our little one collapsed into a pile of healing sobs.  "I really did like it mommy!"  "I really do like those people!" "I'm sorry!"
I know.  I know sweetie. It's ok.  I love you..... I LOVE YOU.....
I rocked her into a deep sleep, praying and singing over her.

Each of our children have had hard times, and come from very hard places in life.  It has been a special JOY, a DEEP ABIDING JOY to help them find the path.... and to embrace JOY in their journey... holding on to the Lord for LIFE.

I would not trade the hardships I have faced in this life for anything.... because through them, the LORD has brought me to a place of GREAT JOY in HIM.  HE is all that matters, and I trust that HE is the AUTHOR of my life.  HE is the great weaver, the great story teller, the GREAT I AM.
And it is for HIS GLORY that we live.

In the End, Sorrow and Suffering turn into Gladness and Joy!

Adoption Fantasy Vs. Adoption Reality

One need look no further than the MIRROR to see that we are ALL flawed Human Beings.

There are many who have answered the call to adoption either through prayer support, for those walking down the adoption path, through financial support, or actually adopting themselves.
We have had the great privilege of walking hand in hand with prayer supporters, financial supporters and then each other as we stepped out in faith to bring our children home.

It is a normal thing to "fantasize" about what your child is going to be like; dreaming of what their personality will be like, but  it becomes DANGEROUS, when you expect your fantasy to be REAL.

You may have fantasized  about a docile child and your child is hyperactive! You may have expected a child with long blonde hair and your child's head is shaved and her hair is dark brown. You may have expected a girly girl and gotten a tom boy, or a boy who is great in sports, but he prefers the violin! These are VERY SHALLOW thoughts, really, when it comes to bringing a child home, or even giving birth to a child.

THE PROBLEM WITH INDULGING OURSELVES IN DREAMS AND FANTASIES IS THEY GET IN THE WAY OF REALITY!

There is NO TIME to dwell on the  "what if's"  when your child comes home with unexpected behaviors, illnesses, syndromes INCLUDING FAS, RAD, PTSD, ADHD, ODD, or any OTHER label your child can be given.... HONESTLY, the ONLY REASON to have these diagnosis, would be to help SECURE your UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSION so that you can PARENT YOUR CHILD, the CHILD GOD HAS GIVEN YOU, in the BEST WAY for THEM to SUCCEED!

Sometimes the path is HARD.... and sometimes NOT.  But there is JOY in the JOURNEY, no matter the path!  GOD FULFILLS HIS PURPOSES in our lives, weaving that Beautiful Tapestry of Life, sometimes with the fabric of tears, and sometimes with the fabric of great joy!
Sometimes that GREAT JOY comes from a child who learns, finally that they are loved, or for a child with learning disabilities, the first time they remember how to spell a word!
Sometimes joy comes when a child hugs you for REALLY REAL for the first time after, being home for years.....or when, like Erika, they call you, "My Precious Mother", "My Precious Father", from the first time they see you.
Sometimes that joy comes when your 2 year old sits up for the very first time, or when he walks without assistance for the first time at 8!  You get joy in just cheering him on!

There is NO TIME to waste in the "what if's"...... and IT IS A WASTE OF TIME!  It is also a mindset that will allow Bitterness to set into the heart, if we are not careful!

ALL CHILDREN are a blessing, and there are no perfect children! 

I would like to strongly appeal to those on the adoption journey;  ALL CHILDREN who come into your family through adoption are Special Needs Children!  And asking for a child with "minor, correctable issues" such as a cleft lip or pallet is only dealing with the physical! 
There is NOTHING MINOR, about being abandoned and living in an orphanage.  There is NOTHING MINOR about NEGLECT,  ABUSE and STARVATION, and it cannot be "corrected"!  The emotional scars of REJECTION are NOT MINOR, no matter HOW YOUNG your children come home.  Each little personality is DIFFERENT and they will handle those stresses differently!
Some will regress and be ANGRY. Some will be so fearful they cannot respond. Some will have behaviors that are downright BIZARRE, and some will come out of situations like that seemingly unscathed; but I would say that is the exception, rather than the rule!  It is up to us to LOVE OUR CHILDREN WITHOUT HOLDING BACK!
Don't WASTE years being angry because you don't think everything was disclosed to you!
You have the child that GOD HAS GIVEN YOU!  PARENT THEM! LOVE THEM!
TAKE GREAT JOY IN THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS! TAKE JOY IN THEIR BABY STEPS TOWARDS WHOLENESS..... REMOVE the PLANK from your eye, so you can see HOW to clearly remove the speck from your child's eye. 
Bitterness has NO place in the life of a parent.  It will only beget Bitterness!  PRESS ON! MOVE FORWARD! DON'T LOOK TO THE RIGHT OR THE LEFT, but KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL!  Bringing your child towards wholeness and healing!

Fantasy Land is a very dangerous place to live!

Questions and Answers

 At the end of both sessions that I taught over the weekend, I wanted to leave room for questions.
I am so GLAD that I did, because it helped me to think about those questions and also gave me a pulse for what is going on in other homes.

All of the questions were really great!  The ones that stuck out most, I would like to answer here.
There wasn't time for in depth answers or insights in just a few minutes time.

Question 1:

When parenting your adopted child, (according to emotional age or with great tenderness)  how does that go, when you have biological children in the home, who might say, "You never would have let me get away with that!)  ? 

Answer 1:  First off, you really CANNOT parent your children differently, as in having two different systems in your home.  Tenderness and unconditional love should be in place for all children.  When correcting a child, it should be private.  We do NOT discuss with one child, our discipline of another child and vice versa.  We ask our children to trust us, that we know what is best. 

If you are a family who has used physical punishment with your bio children, it may be a good idea to learn a different way BEFORE you bring your new children home.   I highly recommend the book "Heartfelt Discipline" by Clay Clarkson.  The newest version just came out this month. I do not know if it is being offered on Amazon yet, but you can get it from Whole Heart Ministries. 

I would also recommend that bio children or other children who may have been adopted and are already in the home,  feel like they are on the SAME team, BEFORE bringing home your new one. This is a FAMILY effort.  Explaining to them what to expect would be very helpful!


Question 2:

My 4 year old daughter, whom we are adopting through the foster care system has started to act out at school, and is hitting others. She is also having more meltdowns, but has not hit us at home.
What can we do?

Answer 2:

I would try to find out WHY the behavior is happening first.  Is she being bullied, or is she the bully?
Does she have a significant Anniversary time going on, that you may not know about? I would research that. 
Telling a child who hits, not to hit, is NOT enough!  They need to have tools given to them in order to change their behavior.
When our 3rd son Joseph was in kindergarten, he had a few issues with keeping his hands to himself.
His teacher and I discussed what we could do to help him and came up with a plan that we hoped would work for him. 
At home, I told him it was not ok to hit anybody when playing, even if HE was just playing or felt overwhelmed.   If he felt like he was going to hit somebody, he should put his hands in his pockets and then go and stand by his teacher RIGHT AWAY!  That would let his teacher know that he was struggling about about to hit.  She would then help him with whatever problem he had.
This method worked on the VERY FIRST DAY and we never had another hitting incident in school!

Question 3:
What about when you KNOW your child is manipulating you? (This was a little girl of 18 months)
Answer 3:
I do not think an 18 month old understands the complexities of manipulation.  They DO want what they want, and at this age, redirection is the best plan.
If they are wanting something they cannot have, you simply say, "not now" or "No" but let's do this!
And redirect them.
We cannot allow children to control us, but at the same time, we need to give our children what they need! They need those little love cups ALL filled up! When the love cup is full, manipulation goes away.


Question 4:
How do you keep out negative influences with your children as they are growing up and beginning to use more and more hand held divices like cell phones, facebook, computer, etc.

Answer 4:
That is the QUESTION  of the century for ALL parents for ALL children!
I would say it is impossible to keep bad influences away... so what we need to do is teach our children DISCERNMENT and SELF DISCIPLINE....  They need to learn the importance of responsible phone use, computer use, texting or Facebook.  Too much too soon is not a good idea. 
We keep our computer in the family room where everybody sees it. 
We have all passwords in a sealed envelope so if we ever felt the need to "snoop", we have the passwords.  No passwords? No computer. Period.
We have not come across the issue of somebody refusing a password though.
Our girls are not yet on facebook, but that is most likely coming soon.
They do not have phones either. They borrow ours if needed.
Teaching our children about the dangers of computer is very important, and not using it for internet is perfectly ok!  Especially for a child struggling with what they might find on there.



Question 5:
What about when your children come home and you didn't want "special needs" but when you get home, you find out they are both effected by FASD?

First off, EXPECT that your children will be Special Needs.  But when you are taken by surprise, as in this case, remember that many parents who give birth to children are surprised by "special needs".... Children are born with all kinds of syndromes or  diseases.  Parents are called to love their children.  Accept the children you have, and you may find a HUGE BLESSING in those special needs.  Learn how to parent a child who has FASD if what you are doing now isn't working.
Our children teach us more about life, and more about ourselves than I ever thought possible.
There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened.... but the direction you go from here, can decide if you are going to succeed or continue to feel angry.

A Sermon on Doubt

This was yesterday's sermon.  I am so thankful for our Pastor Justin's teaching!
http://www.cornerstonewylie.org/multimedia-archive/are-you-the-one-luke-718-23/
If you click on the link it will take you to the sermon. 
It really is a must hear, based upon Luke 7:18-23.