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Thursday, February 28, 2013

BOTHERED

About 3 days ago, I came across a Linked In post related to Adoption.  It was so disturbing, I didn't know how to reply.  As more replies came in, I was even more disturbed.  WHY?  Because this post was written by a Social Worker who is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE of adoption!

So the gist of it was.....
She is irritated by people who have "fund raisers" to adopt children.  She said that they are trying to adopt white, newborns?    She also said that it was "ICKY", and people should only adopt if they can afford it.
She blabbered on about high costs of IA and that people are "buying children".....UGH!

She has not seen or looked into the families that I know of.... like Aaron, Hasya, Harper,
Alyssa, Alex, Dennis, and many, MANY more!  ALL who are basking in their parents' love.

I was so OFFENDED, I couldn't really reply in a nice way.  The reason for my offense? 
1. I know of NOBODY who has fund raised for a perfect, white newborn!
2. I know of NO "perfect, white" newborn available for IA.
3. She said people who don't have $$, shouldn't adopt.
4. She said that fund raising is ICKY.

The sad part..... several joined in and agreed. :(

We did not fund raise, but we WOULD HAVE, to make sure Erika came home.  Instead, another person, ANGEL payed for the costs of our adoption of Erika.

This social worker, I guess would rather she rotted in a Mental Institution for the rest of her life.

Sometimes, people don't think things through. 

I do not believe there is ANYTHING wrong with Fund Raising.  Numerous children come home because of it, including Alli!  Her 1st family fund raised, and I am GLAD they did, or she wouldn't be with us!

This lady ALSO did not think you should have a garage sale, or a pancake breakfast.  I guess, you are supposed to be independently wealthy!  As if, that were important.

All I know is, that there are SEVERAL people who have fund raised to bring little ones home, and those little ones are now in families that LOVE THEM! Isn't that what Adoption is all about?

And then the comments started coming in about adopting "American" and how they couldn't understand why anybody would "buy" a child from another country when you can get one here for free. 
I am so saddened by these comments.

Folks, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE a person's decision to adopt from another country or Fund Raise for that adoption!
ALL CHILDREN need LOVE....and children do not know about borders......They need PARENTS!
We are all a part of the HUMAN RACE!
And the LORD USES MANY who are not called to adopt, to help those who ARE!

THAT IS PERFECTLY OK!!!! Except in the judgmental, short sighted, minds of some. :(

11 comments:

Hevel Cohen said...

I know the article, I think, and I was apalled by it, but here are two, actually three thoughts:

Social Workers are not supposed to be pro-adoption. Many actually aren't. Adoptions, however, are what pay their salaries so they do it. Many start out as pro-adoption, but see the aftermath and stop being pro-adoption.

Also SW's usually know that there is no safety net for families that run into problems with their newly adopted children. They are quite aware that if you had to fundraise for the one time adoption cost, you won't be able to pay for all the associated costs of long term therapy, residential treatments and psychaitric care a good portion on the families will need once their children are home.

The reason why you haven't seen people fundraise for healthy white babies is because you are not very deeply involved in the domestic newborn adoption world. People fundraise for that. And they pretty much buy their children in many cases. The current way both the domestic and international adoption business operates in the USA children are little more than merchandise to anyone but some of the parents. They shouldn't be bought or ransomed: the latter word also implies paying for the child, and it's used all the time. The money parents pay for the adoption is not a ransom. It's administrative fees, associated expenses, and, many times, bribes, the cars, vacations and other income of agency or "ministry" owners, etc. Not a ransom. As long as the adoption community continues to use that expression and misrepresent the money involved we shouldn't be surprised that another word is also used for the activity when one pays money and then gets a child.

Chiara said...

Some people are just nasty, plain as it is. Sometimes I don't agree with all of your statements but that's my problem, there's no need to share bitter or inappropriate comments. It's OK to have different opinions about things, but I really don't stand people that point out things with the audacity to consider themselves right meanwhile everybody else is wrong. Don't waist your precious time questioning yourself too much about this poor lady.

Have a nice week end

Muddled Muse said...

I think the racial aspect of this SW's post is the most disturbing - and more complicated than the surface argument.

"People just want to buy white newborns..."

The assumption is that minority children are overlooked because of racial prejudices - and while I am sure that is true in some cases, I wonder how the abortion industry effects this 'statistic.' I am not an expert, but I have read that overall the abortion rate is highest in the black community - could this have an effect on the adoption rate of black newborns? I'd have to look up statistics for other minorities.

If white privilegde does prevent minority children from finding homes, then by all means, it should be combatted - but I don't think one should assume that racial prejudice is the main factor against minority adoption. I have known white parents of who have received incredible backlash for choosing to adopt their black children.

Christie Minich said...

Such good thoughts!

I have always known the money was for administrative fees, and have also been a little disturbed by the "discount" administrative fees for older or special needs children.

However, I can look at it two different ways. It is possible that they are facilitating some of the special children at cost....
I cannot change how things are done in Europe, but I am thankful for EACH PERSON who was involved in getting Erika out of the hell hole she was in.

As far as people fun raising.... I really don't care! It is THEIR business! I understand also the other end, where children must be cared for, but frankly that is between the family and the medical community. They are STILL WAY better off than being left with NO CARE.
And YES! The very same people who scream that people only want a white baby (which BTW she DOES NOT know what she is talking about)
are the SAME ones who scream foul if a white couple wants to adopt a child who is ethnically different.
It really is short sighted and presumptive to assume you know somebody else's heart.

There ARE people who want a baby... they are trying to grow a family, and that is OK! It is ALSO OK to adopt Older children...and I have found that the MAJORITY of people who adopt via fundraising, are adopting OLDER, Special Needs children. And honestly, the adoption community needs to rally alongside them and SUPPORT THEM!

I am SO THANKFUL for our social worker who is not only PRO ADOPTION, but PRO "Think outside the box!" Because she has seen the SUCCESSES of adoption for 30 years!

Alysa said...

Thats awful! I was recently appalled when someone referred to a waiting child website as a "one of those child shopping sites". I sort of wanted to hit them!

Christie Minich said...

Deep Breaths Alysa! LOL

mommajeane said...

I can feel your frustration. I have not read the article but I do hear some of the same comments coming from others…not towards our adoptions but towards those who have been called to pay the cost of adopting their children by fund raising efforts. We have never been called to do that even for as many children as we have adopted. I once shared how the Lord has allowed us to adopt and it has always been not by fund raising but by praying to Him alone for any of our needs. I even wrote a blog post about it. I was not trying to judge others by how they bring home their children…just for us we have never felt the Lord asked us to fund raise. If anyone ever asks us " how we do it ?" and then I get to share some amazing ways He has provided and we never question that we did it…I think equally amazing is how families who fund raise get all their funds for the adoption…no less just different. Sad that others feel judged or want to judge another movement of the Lord's love in a family who has chosen to adopt. Sorry I have no positive to say about the healthy white baby comment they may have made…but you know my heart.

Ivy said...

All we christians are supposed to be about the bussiness of adoption. While I don't think ever christian should adopt, I do think that every christian should be actively caring for orphans. And paying towards someone else efforts are a wonderful way to do that.

Annie said...

Are you quite sure the "Social Worker" WAS a Social Worker? Though, as Hevel said, while we'd suppose Social Workers would favor adoption, clearly the woman who had that role at the hospital when Monnie was born, clearly prefers fourteen year old mentally ill mothers whose children later end up in foster care.

I wonder about her being a SW, too, because anyone thinking about it would realize that people can easily raise a large family on a salary that would nevertheless make it difficult to save up $40,000 or more. And, I disagree with Hevel on this one - unless a family is without insurance, it is MUCH easier to take care of the ongoing medical expenses than it is to save $40,000!

[And, let's say they have THREE children with mental health issues, and they lose one of the spouse's paychecks....they can still manage (I know from experience) and those children will know they are loved and cherished, not in an orphanage.]

SPEAKING OF WHICH, a family in our parish adopted a black newborn from inner city Detroit and it cost over $40,000.

Also....it just occurred to me. I think what we are really talking about here is a completely different idea about what it is to be a parent. The person who thinks fundraising is wrong is probably seeing children as a "lifestyle choice" a kind of "gratification", like a boat, or a luxury apartment or a certain kind of car. You can have it, if you can pay for it. Those who fundraise, see adoption as a mission to help the orphan.

I was hesitant about fundraising myself, honestly, but someone said - people aren't donating for YOU, they're donating for the children! And other people have pointed out that they simply don't think they could handle adopting themselves, so they are glad to be able to participate in the mission by helping someone else. It's a totally different point of view.

Finally - I often think words are very important but not really in this case. Let's be real - we had to pay a lot of money and when we did, they handed over the child. It doesn't matter what the funds are used for, be it paperwork or government fees or what (anymore than it matters what the money we pay for our car was used for...also administrative fees and associated expenses, to some extent.) My kids were actually quite impressed to think we'd "paid that much for them"....and, by God's grace, also know through experience that their being in our family is also something sacred.

Christie Minich said...

Annie, this is from a group who posts regularly on Linked in, and it is an adoption support group.
I have to say, it was shocking.

Fatcat said...

The main way to adopt kids in the US is through foster care and it is terrifying to me. I know a family who went to the hospital to pick up a newborn, sat with him through many surgeries, raised him to the age of 2 (!) and then handed him over to the birth family. Can you imagine?

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