I wrote a post <---link: a couple of days ago about giving tools for behavior to our little ones.
Today, I wanted to write a post about teaching little ones to Whisper!
Is it possible to teach little ones to whisper? YES! IT IS! And it comes in VERY HANDY, especially when you have a "babbling baby" or toddler. It was a fun experience to see them catch on! :)
When babies are in the 7-10 month stage and beyond, they don't just make cooing noises, but start to really babble and practice sounds. MAMAMAMAMAMA... DADADADADA, BABABABABA!
They can get loud and not know that they are being disruptive..... especially in a church situation.
If you enjoy keeping your little one in church with you, practice teaching your little one to happily babble in "whisper!"
When the boys were little, I used to sit them on my lap each day and when they would say, "Ma Ma Ma.." I would repeat "ma, ma, ma" in a whisper voice. They would repeat, I would repeat and then, magically, they would whisper.
We would practice it each day..... and guess what? If we were in a situation where they needed to be quiet, I would whisper to them and they would whisper back!
We tried it in church and it worked! :)
It is really precious seeing them barely mouth the things they needed to say with a very quiet voice. :)
I loved that time with my boys. :) Teaching them was a happy experience. :)
The Minich Family Blog: Every Family Has A Story...Welcome To Ours
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Memorizing!
I wrote this post<--- (link) about new books we were starting.
They have turned out to be really good books.
We still use our mom dad and me books regularly, but the smaller books are for encouraging verses.
Today, I was thirlled to see Miss Alli sitting and memorizing her verses that she has been given.
"I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"
"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
"Whatever good anyone does, he will receive back from the Lord."
and many more......
She is MEMORIZING! :)
And so are the other girls!
I am thrilled, beyond measure. :)
They have turned out to be really good books.
We still use our mom dad and me books regularly, but the smaller books are for encouraging verses.
Today, I was thirlled to see Miss Alli sitting and memorizing her verses that she has been given.
"I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"
"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
"Whatever good anyone does, he will receive back from the Lord."
and many more......
She is MEMORIZING! :)
And so are the other girls!
I am thrilled, beyond measure. :)
SPIDER MAN
This is our 3 year old grandson Charlie. You can read about many of his adventures along with his brother Will and baby sister Olivia over on Ivy's blog.
This picture brought back a memory of our family when I was much younger. Our oldest son was just 3, just like Charlie. He too was fascinated with Spider Man, but he didn't have that fanstastic fancy shirt! LOL
He settled for capes with clothespins for Super Man, and Spidey just had to flow from his imagination.
One day, it was time for his nap. He REALLY didn't want a nap; what three year old does!
I had put the baby down, and the other baby down and it was time for him.
Sometimes I wish I had let him stay up just to spend extra time with him.... But he really DID need his naps.
I was walking over to scoop him up to put him to bed and he did that famous hand motion..... "HA! You're in a web!"
I could have done two things. I could have seen his reluctance as disobedience, because he really was trying to get out of taking a nap. Or I could buy into his playful moment, enter his world, and capture his heart.
I chose the latter.
Pretending I was stuck in his web was actually quite fun. He laughed with sheer glee at the sight of mommy on the floor, stuck under his powerful web.
And after a few minutes, I broke free and he obediently went to his nap, very satisfied that he was a real Spider man for just a moment, and his web action had finally worked. :)
I'm very excited to be spending the day with the Adorables on Thursday! :)
Monday, March 25, 2013
THIS AND THAT
I replied, "SHE FELL?" Stinker doesn't like me to know so I won't worry.....
So this was her face when I asked about her fall. "WHO TOLD YOU? JACK?" LOL
Giving Younger Children Tools for Behavior
I usually write about older children. However, I spoke last night at a meeting with young parents who have both biological and adopted children, all quite young. It was just a delight to be with some awesome parents and their children! Some of the parents in this group, I personally watched grow up from children to adults and now parents! :)
When talking for just one hour, it is impossible to share all you want to! There just isn't time to get past introducing concepts.
So I wanted to share some detail in this post.
There were some wonderful questions.
Not spanking children does not mean not disciplining, just like spanking children does not necessarily mean they are being disciplined.
There are children who are regularly spanked who are also not disciplined. (Of course, this was not true with the group I spoke with last night.)
Once again, I would like to repeat: Discipline is not equal to punishment.
TRUE DISCIPLINE is going to be instructive.
When dealing with young children, there is SO MUCH for them to learn about life.
We can tell them what they have done wrong, and actually FORGET how to tell them what or HOW to do something right!
Instruction is so important at this age. If we say John, "Don't hit your brother!" But we forget to tell John what to do if his brother is really bothering him, we have only made him frustrated.
If we need to talk to John about hitting, we can then give him tools and ideas of what to do and equip him for the next time he is bothered by his brother.
This EMPOWERS him to be in control of himself and impulsivity will be overtaken by thoughtful, planned behavior.
Let's go back to this scenario and consider a parent who uses spanking as a teaching tool.
John hit his brother. He isn't supposed to. You have told him over and over not to.
So, John is in trouble.
You sit him down, tell him what he did wrong, and then spank him for the wrong.
He repents and is restored to relationship.
Let's try another way:
John hit his brother. You take him to the rocker, or sit him by you on the couch. Give him a hug and tell him, "You must be very upset to have hit your brother!" Let him tell you about it. Listen carefully. (even if you already know or saw what happened)
When he has calmed himself, you can talk about what happened according to John. Then,
you can offer sympathy. I know that must have frustrated you when your brother broke your lego set apart. I know how long you worked on it.
He will feel your acceptance of his frustration.
BUT THEN.... go a step further.
John, it isn't right to hit your brother.
What do you think you could have done instead?
(He may not know!) Accept that.
Offer some ideas. Maybe you could come and get mom, and I can help?
OR Maybe you can be sure to keep your lego creations away from your brother because he doesn't really know any better yet. He's only 3.
OR, next time brother gets into your legos, find a toy he likes and trade with him.
If you feel like you are going to hit your brother, put your hands in your pockets and come and see mama. I'll help you!
(Teaching the baby is another post) :)
EQUIP John with some ideas on how to handle his frustration.
When you see something coming up and you see John about to get frustrated again, you can simply say, "John, remember our talk!" "Use your tools!"
And then watch......
You will be surprised how much John REALLY learned. It may take him some more practice, but he will be able to control himself because of his new found tools. When he does well, give him a "HIGH FIVE" or a "GREAT JOB JOHN!"
When John has been given the tools he needs to succeed, behaviors that you are trying to help him stop, will cease! And then new ones will crop up. :)
Thus is the life of a parent! :)
Another Scenario was about if it is EVER proper to swat a little one.
I would say no. At the same time, I can understand how if a toddler were running towards the street, it might be a knee jerk reaction to rescue them and then a swat on the bottom.
HOWEVER,
Let's go back over this scenario.
If you are used to speaking in a louder volume to your toddler... "Suzy NO!" "SUZY, I told you NO!"
Instead of using a gentle and quiet voice.... Suzy will learn to tune your voice out because that is how she is always spoken to, or spoken to often.
When she runs to the street and you say, "SUZY NO!" She isn't going to understand the alarm in your voice, because she hears it regularly.
HOWEVER.... if you are in the HABIT of a tender, quiet voice, and she learns to trust and obey you through relationship; when she then runs towards the street and you say "SUZY! NO!"
She'll be shocked and stop!
She will have heard the difference in your voice and it will get her attention!
It is then time for INSTRUCTION.... explaining to a toddler about the dangers of the street can be hard, but it can be done! Explaining they could get VERY HURT... and you would be very sad, can be a good way to deter them. But nothing deters them better than a close, watchful, eye and quick intervention, because toddlers are just DANGEROUS little creatures! :)
*****It was mentioned that a foster family would yell and scream at kids and carry out long, enduring punishments because they couldn't "spank".****
I would like to cover this topic in my next post. :)
Stay tuned!
When talking for just one hour, it is impossible to share all you want to! There just isn't time to get past introducing concepts.
So I wanted to share some detail in this post.
There were some wonderful questions.
Not spanking children does not mean not disciplining, just like spanking children does not necessarily mean they are being disciplined.
There are children who are regularly spanked who are also not disciplined. (Of course, this was not true with the group I spoke with last night.)
Once again, I would like to repeat: Discipline is not equal to punishment.
TRUE DISCIPLINE is going to be instructive.
When dealing with young children, there is SO MUCH for them to learn about life.
We can tell them what they have done wrong, and actually FORGET how to tell them what or HOW to do something right!
Instruction is so important at this age. If we say John, "Don't hit your brother!" But we forget to tell John what to do if his brother is really bothering him, we have only made him frustrated.
If we need to talk to John about hitting, we can then give him tools and ideas of what to do and equip him for the next time he is bothered by his brother.
This EMPOWERS him to be in control of himself and impulsivity will be overtaken by thoughtful, planned behavior.
Let's go back to this scenario and consider a parent who uses spanking as a teaching tool.
John hit his brother. He isn't supposed to. You have told him over and over not to.
So, John is in trouble.
You sit him down, tell him what he did wrong, and then spank him for the wrong.
He repents and is restored to relationship.
Let's try another way:
John hit his brother. You take him to the rocker, or sit him by you on the couch. Give him a hug and tell him, "You must be very upset to have hit your brother!" Let him tell you about it. Listen carefully. (even if you already know or saw what happened)
When he has calmed himself, you can talk about what happened according to John. Then,
you can offer sympathy. I know that must have frustrated you when your brother broke your lego set apart. I know how long you worked on it.
He will feel your acceptance of his frustration.
BUT THEN.... go a step further.
John, it isn't right to hit your brother.
What do you think you could have done instead?
(He may not know!) Accept that.
Offer some ideas. Maybe you could come and get mom, and I can help?
OR Maybe you can be sure to keep your lego creations away from your brother because he doesn't really know any better yet. He's only 3.
OR, next time brother gets into your legos, find a toy he likes and trade with him.
If you feel like you are going to hit your brother, put your hands in your pockets and come and see mama. I'll help you!
(Teaching the baby is another post) :)
EQUIP John with some ideas on how to handle his frustration.
When you see something coming up and you see John about to get frustrated again, you can simply say, "John, remember our talk!" "Use your tools!"
And then watch......
You will be surprised how much John REALLY learned. It may take him some more practice, but he will be able to control himself because of his new found tools. When he does well, give him a "HIGH FIVE" or a "GREAT JOB JOHN!"
When John has been given the tools he needs to succeed, behaviors that you are trying to help him stop, will cease! And then new ones will crop up. :)
Thus is the life of a parent! :)
Another Scenario was about if it is EVER proper to swat a little one.
I would say no. At the same time, I can understand how if a toddler were running towards the street, it might be a knee jerk reaction to rescue them and then a swat on the bottom.
HOWEVER,
Let's go back over this scenario.
If you are used to speaking in a louder volume to your toddler... "Suzy NO!" "SUZY, I told you NO!"
Instead of using a gentle and quiet voice.... Suzy will learn to tune your voice out because that is how she is always spoken to, or spoken to often.
When she runs to the street and you say, "SUZY NO!" She isn't going to understand the alarm in your voice, because she hears it regularly.
HOWEVER.... if you are in the HABIT of a tender, quiet voice, and she learns to trust and obey you through relationship; when she then runs towards the street and you say "SUZY! NO!"
She'll be shocked and stop!
She will have heard the difference in your voice and it will get her attention!
It is then time for INSTRUCTION.... explaining to a toddler about the dangers of the street can be hard, but it can be done! Explaining they could get VERY HURT... and you would be very sad, can be a good way to deter them. But nothing deters them better than a close, watchful, eye and quick intervention, because toddlers are just DANGEROUS little creatures! :)
*****It was mentioned that a foster family would yell and scream at kids and carry out long, enduring punishments because they couldn't "spank".****
I would like to cover this topic in my next post. :)
Stay tuned!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
FIVE YEARS OLD??? SAYS WHO???
I remember when I was a young mother reading parenting books. One in particular stated that if a child isn't Disciplined and correction in place by the age of FIVE years old, it would be a huge problem. They inferred "it is too late".
This person said the personality and character of a child are developed by FIVE!
I cannot tell you how WRONG THIS IS!
The personality a person has THEY ARE BORN WITH!
The trauma they experience may certainly have a huge effect on them, but that is not because they are OVER or UNDER FIVE years of age and FIVE is NOT this magical age where somebody is able to change if they are under five, or not if they are over five. This kind of GARBAGE information is damaging to Children, and ESPECIALLY damaging to waiting orphans whose future parents might decide against adopting somebody older.
Consider the scripture:SAUL became the Apostle PAUL in his adulthood and his life changed forever.
ALL of the disciples were over FIVE!
Doubting Thomas, doubted no more!
Mary Magdalene was changed inside and out!
The demoniac was delivered and changed!
Abram became Abraham!
There are TOO MANY life changes to mention!
So why would somebody say FIVE is the magic age? I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW!
Children are children and THINK like children. They are NOT mini adults.
If they have been neglected and abused, those life experiences will certainly have an affect upon them whether they are 6 months or 6 years; but it is NOT OVER at FIVE!
Adopting older children has been one of the most rewarding things in our lives! Watching our daughters go from NEGLECT/FEAR to NURTURE/LOVE...... Amazing!
We have had a wonderful day today just watching them blossom. They played, created and just had such a great day.
I do not understand how ANYBODY could say that an older child cannot change.
NOT ONLY CAN THEY.... We have FOUR in THIS household from ALL DIFFERENT backgrounds, countries and traumas, who are THRIVING!
It is NOT LUCK... IT IS NO ACCIDENT.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE HEALS, UNCONDITIONALLY!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
To Encourage You
While our own past affects our future, our children's past effects THEIR future.... but the GOOD NEWS is that the past does not DETERMINE what our future will be! OUR FUTURE NO MATTER OUR PAST can be HAPPY, FULL, RICH IN LOVE and ABOUNDING IN GRACE and MERCY. We CAN have close relationships, close friendships and STABILITY!
Karyn Purvis wrote, "We need to cling to the truth that NO LIFE is TOO BROKEN, NO PAST TOO IMPERFECT, NO HEART TOO WOUNDED, for our loving God to redeem, and begin to heal. Jesus extended the invitation, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 "
I say AMEN!
Support group tonight. :) I hope everybody brings something to share!
Karyn Purvis wrote, "We need to cling to the truth that NO LIFE is TOO BROKEN, NO PAST TOO IMPERFECT, NO HEART TOO WOUNDED, for our loving God to redeem, and begin to heal. Jesus extended the invitation, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 "
I say AMEN!
Support group tonight. :) I hope everybody brings something to share!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
We're A Bit Nutty Around Here!
I started roasting my own nuts because I could guarantee no gluten. But NOW I roast them because they are SO MUCH TASTIER than store bought roasted nuts.
It is REALLY easy too!
Spread raw nuts on jelly roll pan
Drizzle with olive oil
Sprinkle with sea salt
Put in oven at 300º and stir every 5 minutes for 15-25 minutes depending upon how done you like your nuts. I prefer the longer time because they just release such a nice aroma.
Ummm. Somebody was feeling EXTRA NUTTY! LOL
Monday, March 18, 2013
AWESOMENESS!
Today was an AWESOME DAY!
It seemed that from the time we got up.... ALL WAS WELL! HORRAY!
Tomorrow we head back to Houston to get Alli's new Russian Birth Certificate with our name on it!
She is also going to get her passport updated.
BUT.... she has a cold sore on her lip. She was really worried that somebody would think it wasn't a cold sore but that somebody had punched her.
I HATE it that our kids have to feel so worried.
I reassured her that nobody would think that. We will get passport pictures taken in the a.m.
BUSY DAY AHEAD!
Three girls want to go.... one is going to relish her time with dad, and the QUIET. :)
It seemed that from the time we got up.... ALL WAS WELL! HORRAY!
Tomorrow we head back to Houston to get Alli's new Russian Birth Certificate with our name on it!
She is also going to get her passport updated.
BUT.... she has a cold sore on her lip. She was really worried that somebody would think it wasn't a cold sore but that somebody had punched her.
I HATE it that our kids have to feel so worried.
I reassured her that nobody would think that. We will get passport pictures taken in the a.m.
BUSY DAY AHEAD!
Three girls want to go.... one is going to relish her time with dad, and the QUIET. :)
ADOPTION or ATTACHMENT ( And the Mama Factor)
I wrote yesterday about our weekend. I wanted to write in more detail today about how some of it could have been avoided, and also about why I am GLAD it wasn't. :)
We really worked through some underlying "stuff" and I really do want to share some insight I gained.
Attachment issues and Adoption issues are NOT the same! They are NOT! While some of the behaviors one sees popping out COULD be similar, HOW you handle them will determine your success or not. They CANNOT be handled the same.
That would be like changing the radiator out when your real problem was the alternator. Different!
They are both part of the engine. They both cause the vehicle to not work... but the solution is DIFFERENT.
For the child who has had a trauma background, like ours, change is hard. They will interpret that change VERY differently according to their past experience AND according to HOW they understand the interpretation of that experience.
(meaning, little kids have things happen to them, and they don't know why, so they come up with something for it to make sense)
Our girlies are no longer little. They are all teenagers now.
I have been prepared for a LONG TIME for the cycle, the processing of interpreting old experiences, to come up and visit again. THIS IS NORMAL! We ALL begin to rethink and reinterpret our early childhoods at some point.
As we begin to develop our own ideas and thoughts, and contemplate more mature ideas about life, life issues COME UP!
I LOVE THIS STAGE OF PARENTING..... It is like watching a butterfly freshly coming out of the cocoon and just beginning to spread it's wings. It hasn't taken off or flown yet, it isn't ready. But it is getting ready! :)
It is when you can really TALK, and girls do love to talk. :) You can sit on the bed and gather them all around, tell them stories of your own childhood, and they can share stories about theirs; and then giggle, laugh and cry.
These talks are talks of healing and understanding ; they are rich AND fun.
Yesterday Miss Alli got hooked on talking. She LOVES telling and hearing funny stories. "Please mama, tell another one!" This is GOOD, HEALTHY communication!
Why I titled my post Adoption or Attachment is because over the weekend we had some behaviors that were over the top on the absurd side.
I was seeing them as "controlling". I was seeing them as "disrespectful". I was seeing them as "defiant".
What I WASN'T seeing was that I was the PROBLEM! Yes, ME!
The issues were NOT attachement related. Our girls are attached. They love us. They have expressed this in MANY ways. They CARE for us, they are GLAD they are here!
The issues though very MUCH had to do with disrupted lives... NUMEROUS foster placements or adoptive placements.
The funny thing is, I can TOTALLY IDENTIFY.... We moved SO MUCH when I was younger, several times in a year sometimes.... that I didn't feel settled.
Now, Imagine if that move included new family too!
While my girls knew they were just moving down the hall, they had not been given TIME to process it as they should have been. Things felt out of control for them. Just as when they had NO choice and NO warning, and were just "moved".
THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE. They are NOT STUCK.... they are at this point in the process.
It took me MANY YEARS to not start packing at a 6 month mark of a place that I lived and start looking for new apartments. It made no sense.... or did it? To the one who hadn't been through all the unprepared moves ( we learned how to move in literally hours) they wouldn't have understood.
My husband lived in the same house for most of his growing up years. The thought of moving was so foreign to him. LOL
So, for the girls, underneath the understanding that they were moving to the next room, was that forboding feeling of impending doom. And I had not prepared them. "Moving day!" I said Happily!
How could I have been so stupid!
We pressed on to finish. We want them to change up roommies now and then to learn to live with each other in closer quarters. That was NOT the issue.
The issue was lack of preparation.
So, their ugly popped out and so did mine. What I found was, as they were spiraling, I started to do the same thing.
NEVER a good idea. :)
I found myself being "controlling" to try to control the out of control, instead of STOPPING and regrouping; getting to the source of the issue and then dealing with it peacefully.
While Alli was painting her dresser, I was busy cleaning behind the other big dresser and in the process moved it, without our other daughter's permission. I also moved the book case. And then, she came in and started to cry. "Now my posters aren't right!" And I said, "well, why don't you move your posters?" duh...
"Why are you crying?" "Moving a dresser is just not a big deal!"
Well, if it wasn't a big deal, why was "I" making it one? Control.....
As a child, we never decided where anything went. It just was. And you know what? I didn't like it! And even though I didn't like it, the change of furniture that didn't seem a deal to me. But it was a HUGE deal for my daughter. Why did that bother me? Why did I then make it a deal? Maybe it was my own issue coming back to haunt ME.
I went to pray and regroup..... I went and talked to Mike. And then, I went back and told my daughter. "You know, this is your room, not mine. You can put your furniture the way you like it. If you want it to be where it was, that is ok. "
Now, that last scenario had nothing to do with adoption OR attachment, that had to do with MY ISSUE.... and it resolved when I dealt with my own sin.
One thing we did talk about later, was HOW to handle a problem when you are overwhelmed.
We came up with some ideas together. Instead of "You covered my posters on purpose!" How about, "Mama I like the dresser the way it was, better." :)
Later, I took my daughter's one at a time into my room to talk. And what happened was nearly miraculous. Things my Anna, wouldn't talk about before, started to pour out. Memories of being moved and leaving behind precious things. Memories of being unprepared for moves.... BINGO.... they would just come and get her.
SHE KNEW LOGICALLY she was staying HERE.... it wasn't about that. It was about the HURT she felt as a little child, being controlled, not being allowed to be a child growing up in a stable environment... not being able to stay anywhere. She didn't know why.
I was able at that time to piece together for her a timeline of events and why some of those moves took place. We had a very grown up conversation as we rocked in the rocker and snuggled.
She made it VERY CLEAR that she loves us. She feels SECURE with us. This was NOT about THAT..... :)
It was more about feeling "fake".... "like I had another life and while I'm happy living this one.... that other one isn't gone." Very mature thoughts. :)
I can SO UNDERSTAND THIS..... I had another life too. I had a different family too. I was divorced. When I was newly remarried, I felt the same way. I was in a new state, new friends, and many people didn't know. God uses the ugly things in our lives for such good.
I was able to share with my Anna that it is ok for people to not know. Or, if you want to tell them, that is ok too.
She said something quite funny. "Mama, most of our friends and so many people at our church have adopted, it seems more like adopted is normal and being born into a family is more unusual!" LOL
So how would I handle an adoption issue, vs. and attachment issue differently?
Attachment has to do with RELATIONSHIP. That is all about working on connecting with each other. To talk about how we relate, or how we feel about having parents or sisters or even being in a family. It would have had nothing to do with what was going on in her heart. I would have missed the Forrest for the trees!
Adoption has to do with being placed in a family... kerplunk! It is like being from another planet and just being "PLACED" elsewhere.... she HAD a story and a life BEFORE....
She was hurting because of past memory due to placements and finally adoption.
We had to talk about THOSE issues. She NEEDED me to know and NEEDED to tell me that she LOVES us and wanted to make very sure we knew that the issue was totally different.
It would have been VERY frustrating for her, if I had only gone on to talk about our relationship and then did something like keeping her by my side ALL THE TIME or PLAYING ATTACHMENT GAMES, or, not allowing the play date we allowed yesterday. It would have made ZERO sense! Her issue was not about attachment!
Instead, we talked about what was on her heart. We talked about her feelings and the processing of the information she had, into a greater understanding at a more mature level. She was also given permission to NOT have to feel like everything was neat and perfect in her life. NOBODY'S LIFE IS NEAT AND PERFECT! I think it was really helpful for her to accept the ugly of her past, and to know that it was NOT HER FAULT....
She also learned that MANY kids struggle with the same issues and feelings. Mom and Dad will always be here... ALWAYS, at any time to talk, and to understand.
Yesterday, a friend came over who also had a very similar background to my sweetie.
She is reading the book "Three Little Words" and can identify with much in the book.
I was telling her about our day the day before, and she very CLEARLY agreed that the issues are NOT the same.
She is a lovely lady. For those of you who are dealing with difficulties.... my friend is a shining example of HOPE and HEALING and what the Lord can do in one's life.
She also stated that some things will always be with you. They are not up in your face all the time, but they are there. You cannot relate to some life experiences because you NEVER experienced them and that is a reminder to you of your beginnings.
This friend also had a good relationship with her final family. She remembers doing things that made no sense, and make no sense to her today, except she was a hurting kid, and kids do NOT think like adults.... even older ones. :)
A few more thoughts on attachment:
When our girls were newly home, we didn't leave them with anybody. We didn't do too many outside things. We kept things simple and scheduled. We played hand games and sang songs.
Life was very structured, but not harsh or unkind.
But for older kids, it is a little more complicated and different. They NEED to have outside friendships and relationships. It is NORMAL for them. It seems to hold them back in this area and it can be damaging to your relationship, and cause a child to be very frustrated.
While they MAY BE very young emotionally, that doesn't mean they don't also have older kid feelings and angst. NOR does it mean they are going to STAY young emotionally. Our kids are NOT STUCK.... they are growing.
Giving them the opportunity to explore a little in a safe environment is a good thing! It seems some of the more "extreme" attachment parenting suggested by some can cause PROBLEMS in both relationship and also in self esteem.... constantly being reminded that "you are different!"
Three of our girls, came home before the age of 8. Had they come home at 11, like Alli, they would have gone to Sunday School without us, not with us if that was their choice. They would go to play dates without us, not with us once home for 3-6 months. There has to be a sense of rationality when it comes to older children.
Alli was 11 when she came home. We handled things a little differently with her because she WAS older. She was given the option of going to Sunday School. She preferred to stay with us for a while.
When she was beginning to blossom, I did allow her to go on play dates where I didn't stay. She has some very good friends who love her. They know her story. Giving her these opportunities helps her to feel "NORMAL" and she LEARNS from her new experiences.
OLDER child attachment happens very differently than with much younger children.
Going shopping! Dinner dates! Going for a walk, or just talking, facilitates attachment. Getting to know them and sharing so they can get to know us, facilitates attachement. No judgement... no "you did what?" Just listening... And yes, older kids still like the rocking chair. :) But if they don't, that is OK.... we have to work with them where THEY ARE.
Just some thoughts. :)
I am so thankful that we NEVER STOP LEARNING... and WE NEVER STOP LOVING!
We really worked through some underlying "stuff" and I really do want to share some insight I gained.
Attachment issues and Adoption issues are NOT the same! They are NOT! While some of the behaviors one sees popping out COULD be similar, HOW you handle them will determine your success or not. They CANNOT be handled the same.
That would be like changing the radiator out when your real problem was the alternator. Different!
They are both part of the engine. They both cause the vehicle to not work... but the solution is DIFFERENT.
For the child who has had a trauma background, like ours, change is hard. They will interpret that change VERY differently according to their past experience AND according to HOW they understand the interpretation of that experience.
(meaning, little kids have things happen to them, and they don't know why, so they come up with something for it to make sense)
Our girlies are no longer little. They are all teenagers now.
I have been prepared for a LONG TIME for the cycle, the processing of interpreting old experiences, to come up and visit again. THIS IS NORMAL! We ALL begin to rethink and reinterpret our early childhoods at some point.
As we begin to develop our own ideas and thoughts, and contemplate more mature ideas about life, life issues COME UP!
I LOVE THIS STAGE OF PARENTING..... It is like watching a butterfly freshly coming out of the cocoon and just beginning to spread it's wings. It hasn't taken off or flown yet, it isn't ready. But it is getting ready! :)
It is when you can really TALK, and girls do love to talk. :) You can sit on the bed and gather them all around, tell them stories of your own childhood, and they can share stories about theirs; and then giggle, laugh and cry.
These talks are talks of healing and understanding ; they are rich AND fun.
Yesterday Miss Alli got hooked on talking. She LOVES telling and hearing funny stories. "Please mama, tell another one!" This is GOOD, HEALTHY communication!
Why I titled my post Adoption or Attachment is because over the weekend we had some behaviors that were over the top on the absurd side.
I was seeing them as "controlling". I was seeing them as "disrespectful". I was seeing them as "defiant".
What I WASN'T seeing was that I was the PROBLEM! Yes, ME!
The issues were NOT attachement related. Our girls are attached. They love us. They have expressed this in MANY ways. They CARE for us, they are GLAD they are here!
The issues though very MUCH had to do with disrupted lives... NUMEROUS foster placements or adoptive placements.
The funny thing is, I can TOTALLY IDENTIFY.... We moved SO MUCH when I was younger, several times in a year sometimes.... that I didn't feel settled.
Now, Imagine if that move included new family too!
While my girls knew they were just moving down the hall, they had not been given TIME to process it as they should have been. Things felt out of control for them. Just as when they had NO choice and NO warning, and were just "moved".
THIS IS WHERE THEY ARE. They are NOT STUCK.... they are at this point in the process.
It took me MANY YEARS to not start packing at a 6 month mark of a place that I lived and start looking for new apartments. It made no sense.... or did it? To the one who hadn't been through all the unprepared moves ( we learned how to move in literally hours) they wouldn't have understood.
My husband lived in the same house for most of his growing up years. The thought of moving was so foreign to him. LOL
So, for the girls, underneath the understanding that they were moving to the next room, was that forboding feeling of impending doom. And I had not prepared them. "Moving day!" I said Happily!
How could I have been so stupid!
We pressed on to finish. We want them to change up roommies now and then to learn to live with each other in closer quarters. That was NOT the issue.
The issue was lack of preparation.
So, their ugly popped out and so did mine. What I found was, as they were spiraling, I started to do the same thing.
NEVER a good idea. :)
I found myself being "controlling" to try to control the out of control, instead of STOPPING and regrouping; getting to the source of the issue and then dealing with it peacefully.
While Alli was painting her dresser, I was busy cleaning behind the other big dresser and in the process moved it, without our other daughter's permission. I also moved the book case. And then, she came in and started to cry. "Now my posters aren't right!" And I said, "well, why don't you move your posters?" duh...
"Why are you crying?" "Moving a dresser is just not a big deal!"
Well, if it wasn't a big deal, why was "I" making it one? Control.....
As a child, we never decided where anything went. It just was. And you know what? I didn't like it! And even though I didn't like it, the change of furniture that didn't seem a deal to me. But it was a HUGE deal for my daughter. Why did that bother me? Why did I then make it a deal? Maybe it was my own issue coming back to haunt ME.
I went to pray and regroup..... I went and talked to Mike. And then, I went back and told my daughter. "You know, this is your room, not mine. You can put your furniture the way you like it. If you want it to be where it was, that is ok. "
Now, that last scenario had nothing to do with adoption OR attachment, that had to do with MY ISSUE.... and it resolved when I dealt with my own sin.
One thing we did talk about later, was HOW to handle a problem when you are overwhelmed.
We came up with some ideas together. Instead of "You covered my posters on purpose!" How about, "Mama I like the dresser the way it was, better." :)
Later, I took my daughter's one at a time into my room to talk. And what happened was nearly miraculous. Things my Anna, wouldn't talk about before, started to pour out. Memories of being moved and leaving behind precious things. Memories of being unprepared for moves.... BINGO.... they would just come and get her.
SHE KNEW LOGICALLY she was staying HERE.... it wasn't about that. It was about the HURT she felt as a little child, being controlled, not being allowed to be a child growing up in a stable environment... not being able to stay anywhere. She didn't know why.
I was able at that time to piece together for her a timeline of events and why some of those moves took place. We had a very grown up conversation as we rocked in the rocker and snuggled.
She made it VERY CLEAR that she loves us. She feels SECURE with us. This was NOT about THAT..... :)
It was more about feeling "fake".... "like I had another life and while I'm happy living this one.... that other one isn't gone." Very mature thoughts. :)
I can SO UNDERSTAND THIS..... I had another life too. I had a different family too. I was divorced. When I was newly remarried, I felt the same way. I was in a new state, new friends, and many people didn't know. God uses the ugly things in our lives for such good.
I was able to share with my Anna that it is ok for people to not know. Or, if you want to tell them, that is ok too.
She said something quite funny. "Mama, most of our friends and so many people at our church have adopted, it seems more like adopted is normal and being born into a family is more unusual!" LOL
So how would I handle an adoption issue, vs. and attachment issue differently?
Attachment has to do with RELATIONSHIP. That is all about working on connecting with each other. To talk about how we relate, or how we feel about having parents or sisters or even being in a family. It would have had nothing to do with what was going on in her heart. I would have missed the Forrest for the trees!
Adoption has to do with being placed in a family... kerplunk! It is like being from another planet and just being "PLACED" elsewhere.... she HAD a story and a life BEFORE....
She was hurting because of past memory due to placements and finally adoption.
We had to talk about THOSE issues. She NEEDED me to know and NEEDED to tell me that she LOVES us and wanted to make very sure we knew that the issue was totally different.
It would have been VERY frustrating for her, if I had only gone on to talk about our relationship and then did something like keeping her by my side ALL THE TIME or PLAYING ATTACHMENT GAMES, or, not allowing the play date we allowed yesterday. It would have made ZERO sense! Her issue was not about attachment!
Instead, we talked about what was on her heart. We talked about her feelings and the processing of the information she had, into a greater understanding at a more mature level. She was also given permission to NOT have to feel like everything was neat and perfect in her life. NOBODY'S LIFE IS NEAT AND PERFECT! I think it was really helpful for her to accept the ugly of her past, and to know that it was NOT HER FAULT....
She also learned that MANY kids struggle with the same issues and feelings. Mom and Dad will always be here... ALWAYS, at any time to talk, and to understand.
Yesterday, a friend came over who also had a very similar background to my sweetie.
She is reading the book "Three Little Words" and can identify with much in the book.
I was telling her about our day the day before, and she very CLEARLY agreed that the issues are NOT the same.
She is a lovely lady. For those of you who are dealing with difficulties.... my friend is a shining example of HOPE and HEALING and what the Lord can do in one's life.
She also stated that some things will always be with you. They are not up in your face all the time, but they are there. You cannot relate to some life experiences because you NEVER experienced them and that is a reminder to you of your beginnings.
This friend also had a good relationship with her final family. She remembers doing things that made no sense, and make no sense to her today, except she was a hurting kid, and kids do NOT think like adults.... even older ones. :)
A few more thoughts on attachment:
When our girls were newly home, we didn't leave them with anybody. We didn't do too many outside things. We kept things simple and scheduled. We played hand games and sang songs.
Life was very structured, but not harsh or unkind.
But for older kids, it is a little more complicated and different. They NEED to have outside friendships and relationships. It is NORMAL for them. It seems to hold them back in this area and it can be damaging to your relationship, and cause a child to be very frustrated.
While they MAY BE very young emotionally, that doesn't mean they don't also have older kid feelings and angst. NOR does it mean they are going to STAY young emotionally. Our kids are NOT STUCK.... they are growing.
Giving them the opportunity to explore a little in a safe environment is a good thing! It seems some of the more "extreme" attachment parenting suggested by some can cause PROBLEMS in both relationship and also in self esteem.... constantly being reminded that "you are different!"
Three of our girls, came home before the age of 8. Had they come home at 11, like Alli, they would have gone to Sunday School without us, not with us if that was their choice. They would go to play dates without us, not with us once home for 3-6 months. There has to be a sense of rationality when it comes to older children.
Alli was 11 when she came home. We handled things a little differently with her because she WAS older. She was given the option of going to Sunday School. She preferred to stay with us for a while.
When she was beginning to blossom, I did allow her to go on play dates where I didn't stay. She has some very good friends who love her. They know her story. Giving her these opportunities helps her to feel "NORMAL" and she LEARNS from her new experiences.
OLDER child attachment happens very differently than with much younger children.
Going shopping! Dinner dates! Going for a walk, or just talking, facilitates attachment. Getting to know them and sharing so they can get to know us, facilitates attachement. No judgement... no "you did what?" Just listening... And yes, older kids still like the rocking chair. :) But if they don't, that is OK.... we have to work with them where THEY ARE.
Just some thoughts. :)
I am so thankful that we NEVER STOP LEARNING... and WE NEVER STOP LOVING!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
What I Learned....
This weekend was STRESSFUL and EDUCATIONAL....
It was educational, FOR ME.
I wrote in my previous two posts about change. Both Mike and I felt it was time for a change for the girlies. They have had the same room mates for a year and a half.
When the guys were little, we changed room mates every so often so they would get used to being with somebody else and so that sibling relationships would thrive. They seemed to like the changes,
and never really had a problem with that kind of change.
Add ADOPTION into the mix, and you have an entirely DIFFERENT story!
On Saturday, I figured we would have a great day. Two of our girls DID. Two others DID NOT!
Here is what I LEARNED.....
1. IF I want to make changes.... give FAIR warning! TWO of our girls do not handle change well.
2. Don't be surprised when issues come up because of something YOU STARTED!
3. LOVE YOUR KIDS.... PERIOD.
Let me be very clear. ALL of our girls LOVE each other, and they LOVE us. I have no doubt about this. But CHANGE is HARD..... HARDER than I expected it to be. And I was WRONG in not preparing them better.
So, after a day of tears and trials.....
Everybody is fine. I did not handle things perfectly. But at the same time, I was able to have a VERY GOOD TALK with both of my sweeties, one at a time.
They shared some very personal things on a level they have never shared before. I was able to comfort them and sympathize with their fears. As we snuggled and talked, finding a common ground, I felt so comforted by the Lord, and by them too.
One of our precious girl's words ministered comfort and peace to me last night.
She ministered to ME, when I thought I was going to be ministering to HER!
I can kick myself for not preparing the girls before I started a new MAJOR project, and for not remembering that they are more fragile than I sometimes remember! A move; even a move to the next room can be traumatic.
I talked to a friend today who has a background in foster/adoption due to her OWN experience as a child. I shared with her our weekend adventures and some of what our precious daughters shared with me. She affirmed that much of what our sweeties said was right on.
There are BIG differences between Attachment issues and Adoption issues. I think sometimes they can be mistaken.
In talking with my daughters and then my friend, it became very clear to me today that some issues regarding Adoption may never truly go away. They may possibly be something one carries the rest of their life.
Adoption is NOT the NORM! Most children are parented by their parents! Adopted kids are very WELL aware that we are not their first parents. They can love us and be attached to us, and yet STILL feel that rejection caused from their past experience.
My friend today helped me understand that some things regarding the past, isn't always up front and in your face, but it is there.
The changes that I brought into our home over the weekend that were seemingly benign, were not so benign for some of our kids.
Instead, it brought up old wounds of being moved OVER AND OVER.....
How could I have been so insensitive?
UGH.....
I LEARNED something new...
I am so thankful that the Lord's mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING. :)
And THIS is Alli's COOL NEW DRESSER! She say she now has the coolest dresser EVER! It went from Pink to Black. :)
It was educational, FOR ME.
I wrote in my previous two posts about change. Both Mike and I felt it was time for a change for the girlies. They have had the same room mates for a year and a half.
When the guys were little, we changed room mates every so often so they would get used to being with somebody else and so that sibling relationships would thrive. They seemed to like the changes,
and never really had a problem with that kind of change.
Add ADOPTION into the mix, and you have an entirely DIFFERENT story!
On Saturday, I figured we would have a great day. Two of our girls DID. Two others DID NOT!
Here is what I LEARNED.....
1. IF I want to make changes.... give FAIR warning! TWO of our girls do not handle change well.
2. Don't be surprised when issues come up because of something YOU STARTED!
3. LOVE YOUR KIDS.... PERIOD.
Let me be very clear. ALL of our girls LOVE each other, and they LOVE us. I have no doubt about this. But CHANGE is HARD..... HARDER than I expected it to be. And I was WRONG in not preparing them better.
So, after a day of tears and trials.....
Everybody is fine. I did not handle things perfectly. But at the same time, I was able to have a VERY GOOD TALK with both of my sweeties, one at a time.
They shared some very personal things on a level they have never shared before. I was able to comfort them and sympathize with their fears. As we snuggled and talked, finding a common ground, I felt so comforted by the Lord, and by them too.
One of our precious girl's words ministered comfort and peace to me last night.
She ministered to ME, when I thought I was going to be ministering to HER!
I can kick myself for not preparing the girls before I started a new MAJOR project, and for not remembering that they are more fragile than I sometimes remember! A move; even a move to the next room can be traumatic.
I talked to a friend today who has a background in foster/adoption due to her OWN experience as a child. I shared with her our weekend adventures and some of what our precious daughters shared with me. She affirmed that much of what our sweeties said was right on.
There are BIG differences between Attachment issues and Adoption issues. I think sometimes they can be mistaken.
In talking with my daughters and then my friend, it became very clear to me today that some issues regarding Adoption may never truly go away. They may possibly be something one carries the rest of their life.
Adoption is NOT the NORM! Most children are parented by their parents! Adopted kids are very WELL aware that we are not their first parents. They can love us and be attached to us, and yet STILL feel that rejection caused from their past experience.
My friend today helped me understand that some things regarding the past, isn't always up front and in your face, but it is there.
The changes that I brought into our home over the weekend that were seemingly benign, were not so benign for some of our kids.
Instead, it brought up old wounds of being moved OVER AND OVER.....
How could I have been so insensitive?
UGH.....
I LEARNED something new...
I am so thankful that the Lord's mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING. :)
And THIS is Alli's COOL NEW DRESSER! She say she now has the coolest dresser EVER! It went from Pink to Black. :)
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
CHANGE.... Part 2....
I wrote about the CHANGE coming here. <----
Things are going really well. :) Anna and Alli are over the change shock. :)
Some kids REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHANGE! These are two of them. But change is good, especially CONTROLLED change that can benefit them.
So the tears are over....
And now they have moved to acceptance with joy. :)
Taking down and putting up!
Working together and discovering cool new places to put things. I told Miss Alli she can do morse code through the wall to Sarah. :) They are just one door away. It isn't like we have a huge house! LOL
And somebody is just Miss Cheery! :)
Anna very kindly wrote this special letter to Miss Alli to welcome her into the new room.
Anna and Alli are going to do really well together!
Proud of them all! :)
Tomorrow, there will be final pictures, I hope. :)
Things are going really well. :) Anna and Alli are over the change shock. :)Some kids REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHANGE! These are two of them. But change is good, especially CONTROLLED change that can benefit them.
So the tears are over....
And now they have moved to acceptance with joy. :)
Proud of them all! :)
Tomorrow, there will be final pictures, I hope. :)
CHANGE.....
When Alli first came home 2 years ago, we moved ALL FOUR girls into our master bedroom, and we took a smaller room.
After 6 months, we knew she was ready to be in a regular room with Sarah. And the living arrangements have been the same ever since.
Erika and Anna, Sarah and Alli.
When our guys were younger and at home we used to change the scenery every year or so.
Oldest with youngest, two older, two younger, two middle, first and third, second and fourth.....
Just so everybody could learn to live with everybody else.
That time has come for the girls, and the two who DO NOT LIKE CHANGE are not too thrilled with the idea. The two adventurers are just fine with change.
Honestly, I think it is for the best, as they really DO NEED to learn to live with different kinds of people. And all four girls are VERY different.
They have different likes, different tastes in music. Some like to sleep with a light on, some not so.
Some go right to sleep and some don't. Some read, some listen to stories... but all love each other.
They just are not so sure they can LIVE with each other. LOL
So, the experiment begins..... STAY TUNED!
After 6 months, we knew she was ready to be in a regular room with Sarah. And the living arrangements have been the same ever since.
Erika and Anna, Sarah and Alli.
When our guys were younger and at home we used to change the scenery every year or so.
Oldest with youngest, two older, two younger, two middle, first and third, second and fourth.....
Just so everybody could learn to live with everybody else.
That time has come for the girls, and the two who DO NOT LIKE CHANGE are not too thrilled with the idea. The two adventurers are just fine with change.
Honestly, I think it is for the best, as they really DO NEED to learn to live with different kinds of people. And all four girls are VERY different.
They have different likes, different tastes in music. Some like to sleep with a light on, some not so.
Some go right to sleep and some don't. Some read, some listen to stories... but all love each other.
They just are not so sure they can LIVE with each other. LOL
So, the experiment begins..... STAY TUNED!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Spring Break
I know for sure, I needed a real break and so did the girls.
There were no plans really, but we HAVE kept to our normal schedule of getting up and going to bed as best we can. Although, last night I did allow 1/2 hour later so they could watch the first 30 minutes of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.
Yesterday we went to the store, but when we got there, I started feeling weak.... almost flu like, and we had to go back home. Sorry girls. They handled that change VERY well! I know it was disappointing. :(
Today, I was much better and Anna found 2 dresses on sale for $8.50 each!
Erika, Sarah and Alli went for a long stroll down the country road, and when they came back, Anna and I had chocolate chip cookies baked.
Today has been a wonderful day.
Here are a few pictures from our day.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
So What Was YOUR First Memory????
A friend was visiting last night and asked our Anna, "What is your first memory of being home with your mama and daddy?"
Her reply... "I remember taking the seat belt in the car and threatening to hit my mama.....
OH How I remember that so well! Funny.... that is one of my first memories of her too!
We had gone in the car to get groceries. Our sweetie took the seat belt that was in the middle and slung it at me saying.... "I want to HIT YOU!"
My answer was "Why would you want to do that?"
She answered, "Do you want to hit me?"
No...
"Just HIT ME!"
There was this back and forth dialogue about how I didn't have ANY DESIRE to hit her, and how she had GREAT desire to HIT ME, and BE HIT by me! :(
It was the very first time she and I were alone. And I thought at that moment about the depth of her pain. "Could I really help her?" "ME Lord?"
I was a little surprised this was her first memory.... but that scene obviously resonated with her and she has remembered.
That DAY was the first day of her healing journey.
Our friend asked, "So did your mama hit you?"
Anna shyly grinned and said, no.
I can't help but wonder what TONE would have been set in our home had I allowed her to hit me, OR, if I had actually obliged her wish for me to hit her; even in pretend!
I know a lady who's earliest memories revolve around being struck. She remembers them well.
They resonated with her.
However, as young as she was, she did NOT relate the striking with cause and effect. Why? Most likely because she was an infant and then a toddler!
She didn't connect the two issues; something she had done, with being struck. And she remembers being confused, like "why did that just happen?" And she was frightened of her mother.
MEMORIES, good and bad, of how we were parented can help us in forming strategies for our own families. Keep the good, throw out the bad and IMPROVE upon the past. :) This lady harbors no ill will towards her parents. They were only repeating what their parents did to them.
BUT.... CYCLES MUST BE BROKEN and IT IS UP TO US TO BREAK THEM! Don't settle for lazy parenting just because YOU survived!
I am reminded of that STUPID facebook forward that goes around saying....
"In my day kids were beat and I was too and we all survived! So stop pampering your kids etc." (my paraphrase... it is actually much more ANNOYING!)
My thought when I have seen that go around is: I wonder how many counselors' homes are being funded because of that kind of attitude!
We are responsible before the Lord to disciple our children in the LOVE and admonition of the Lord whether we were abused or NOT! We are responsible to DO BETTER!
And these days, there is SO MUCH INFORMATION OUT THERE for struggling parents!
There is bad info. But there is GREAT info. and it shouldn't be too hard to tell the difference.
If you need help..... WATCH THESE!<<----- LINKED They are Fantastic! If you don't; watch them anyway! :)
Her reply... "I remember taking the seat belt in the car and threatening to hit my mama.....
OH How I remember that so well! Funny.... that is one of my first memories of her too!
We had gone in the car to get groceries. Our sweetie took the seat belt that was in the middle and slung it at me saying.... "I want to HIT YOU!"
My answer was "Why would you want to do that?"
She answered, "Do you want to hit me?"
No...
"Just HIT ME!"
There was this back and forth dialogue about how I didn't have ANY DESIRE to hit her, and how she had GREAT desire to HIT ME, and BE HIT by me! :(
It was the very first time she and I were alone. And I thought at that moment about the depth of her pain. "Could I really help her?" "ME Lord?"
I was a little surprised this was her first memory.... but that scene obviously resonated with her and she has remembered.
That DAY was the first day of her healing journey.
Our friend asked, "So did your mama hit you?"
Anna shyly grinned and said, no.
I can't help but wonder what TONE would have been set in our home had I allowed her to hit me, OR, if I had actually obliged her wish for me to hit her; even in pretend!
I know a lady who's earliest memories revolve around being struck. She remembers them well.
They resonated with her.
However, as young as she was, she did NOT relate the striking with cause and effect. Why? Most likely because she was an infant and then a toddler!
She didn't connect the two issues; something she had done, with being struck. And she remembers being confused, like "why did that just happen?" And she was frightened of her mother.
MEMORIES, good and bad, of how we were parented can help us in forming strategies for our own families. Keep the good, throw out the bad and IMPROVE upon the past. :) This lady harbors no ill will towards her parents. They were only repeating what their parents did to them.
BUT.... CYCLES MUST BE BROKEN and IT IS UP TO US TO BREAK THEM! Don't settle for lazy parenting just because YOU survived!
I am reminded of that STUPID facebook forward that goes around saying....
"In my day kids were beat and I was too and we all survived! So stop pampering your kids etc." (my paraphrase... it is actually much more ANNOYING!)
My thought when I have seen that go around is: I wonder how many counselors' homes are being funded because of that kind of attitude!
We are responsible before the Lord to disciple our children in the LOVE and admonition of the Lord whether we were abused or NOT! We are responsible to DO BETTER!
And these days, there is SO MUCH INFORMATION OUT THERE for struggling parents!
There is bad info. But there is GREAT info. and it shouldn't be too hard to tell the difference.
If you need help..... WATCH THESE!<<----- LINKED They are Fantastic! If you don't; watch them anyway! :)
Monday, March 11, 2013
REPENTANCE AND MOTHERHOOD
I don't know of any mother who goes into motherhood with ill intentions. I don't know any mother who goes into motherhood NOT wanting to do her very best for her children!
Yet, EACH of us, no matter our age or how far we are into the journey of motherhood have GUILT over decisions we may have made, over convictions we once held and hold no more, or because we have woefully failed in our personal struggle with patience, kindness and gentleness.
Let's face it.... PARENT HOOD IS HARD! As much as we love it.... It is HARD.
I was reading Sarah Mae's post today and was sent back to that time when I had a house full of toddler boys. Each of them did the "toddler thing"..... Got out of bed, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to say goodnight one last time. Each of them were put back to bed, sometimes not so patiently.... but one.... probably my most needy one didn't respond well to that.
He WANTED to be with me. He NEEDED me.... I NEEDED to fold laundry, and rest to get prepared for the next day of exhaustion.
My bright idea? Instead of spending that extra snuggle time with him? I put up 2 baby gates so he couldn't climb over the one I had already put up. I left his door open, and allowed him to play quietly until he fell asleep..... but I DID NOT fulfill HIS NEED for me to be present with him.
And I have GUILT. Because of what I KNOW NOW.....At that time, I thought it was pretty clever.... And now, I feel like I was a miserable failure to him then. Could my insight THEN have prevented his TEMPER TANTRUMS and FRUSTRATION that followed him into his 3's? I guess there is no real way to know that. But my gut tells me YES.
We all do the best with the information we have. We carry into motherhood our past, our upbringing, what others have taught us, and what we know to be true in our hearts.
We carry our OWN baggage and GOD USES that baggage to teach us to trust him, slowly helping us unpack those bags and take upon ourselves, Christ.
He Heals our hearts, our wounds, and if we LET HIM, HE TEACHES us a better way.... it is THERE, PLAIN TO SEE in scripture.... His love letter to us.
Guilt does not serve a purpose but to cause us heartache and grief and to focus on our own failures.
REPENTANCE however, changes what we do and causes us to look forward, and DO BETTER, trusting in the ONE who can forgive, teach and guide!
Guilt stagnates us. REPENTANCE brings about change in us.
I have learned so much since I was a young mother to 4 little boys at the age of 24. I wish I could raise them all over again. Those gates would have come down. I would have let the laundry go and studied them a little more.
I am so thankful for what the LORD has taught me, THROUGH my boys and my girls!
Yet, EACH of us, no matter our age or how far we are into the journey of motherhood have GUILT over decisions we may have made, over convictions we once held and hold no more, or because we have woefully failed in our personal struggle with patience, kindness and gentleness.
Let's face it.... PARENT HOOD IS HARD! As much as we love it.... It is HARD.
He WANTED to be with me. He NEEDED me.... I NEEDED to fold laundry, and rest to get prepared for the next day of exhaustion.
My bright idea? Instead of spending that extra snuggle time with him? I put up 2 baby gates so he couldn't climb over the one I had already put up. I left his door open, and allowed him to play quietly until he fell asleep..... but I DID NOT fulfill HIS NEED for me to be present with him.
(a basket full of boys)And I have GUILT. Because of what I KNOW NOW.....At that time, I thought it was pretty clever.... And now, I feel like I was a miserable failure to him then. Could my insight THEN have prevented his TEMPER TANTRUMS and FRUSTRATION that followed him into his 3's? I guess there is no real way to know that. But my gut tells me YES.
We all do the best with the information we have. We carry into motherhood our past, our upbringing, what others have taught us, and what we know to be true in our hearts.
We carry our OWN baggage and GOD USES that baggage to teach us to trust him, slowly helping us unpack those bags and take upon ourselves, Christ.
He Heals our hearts, our wounds, and if we LET HIM, HE TEACHES us a better way.... it is THERE, PLAIN TO SEE in scripture.... His love letter to us.
Guilt does not serve a purpose but to cause us heartache and grief and to focus on our own failures.
REPENTANCE however, changes what we do and causes us to look forward, and DO BETTER, trusting in the ONE who can forgive, teach and guide!
Guilt stagnates us. REPENTANCE brings about change in us.
I have learned so much since I was a young mother to 4 little boys at the age of 24. I wish I could raise them all over again. Those gates would have come down. I would have let the laundry go and studied them a little more.
I am so thankful for what the LORD has taught me, THROUGH my boys and my girls!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
WHEN WE THINK WE ARE RIGHT.......
A long time ago, when Miss Anna was around 6, I took her shopping with me. She loved going to the store, and had become especially fond of bringing her own purse. Daddy had made her an ID which said, "Mama's Helper" on it; and he had been giving her those fake credit cards that you get in the mail and usually throw away.
This particular trip, we had gone into Hobby Lobby to look for scrap booking stickers. She found some she really liked and asked if she could purchase them herself. Of course I said yes. She was getting allowance, and she was very excited about being a "big girl" making her first big girl purchase!
When it was her turn to place her items on the counter and pay for them, she smiled at me so proudly.... then the cashier told her that it would be $2.14. She seriously looked at the cashier and said, "I'll be putting this on my charge today"; then she confidently pulled out one of those FAKE credit cards!
I could barely contain my laughter... but the cashier and I made eye contact and she packaged up her stickers and finished her transaction, which I then paid for.
When we got home, I had to explain to my sweetie that even though she thought she was VERY RIGHT, and she was even PROUD of her efforts to be a big girl, she was actually very wrongly informed..... Her credit cards were not REAL..... and she couldn't REALLY use them. I explained to her that I didn't have the heart to tell her at that moment because she was being such a brave girl to buy her first stickers.
But I had to set her straight on the issue, and she then payed me back for the stickers.
Our daughter was CONFIDENT in her thinking that her credit cards were real.
But she was WRONG!
How many of us, in the process of adopting our children and trying to educate ourselves in how best to parent them, get WRONG information, then THINK we are VERY RIGHT in how we are parenting our children, only to find ourselves at the check out line with nobody to back us up. We wind up in a very bad place, and our children are HURT because of WRONG information!
We READ a LOT of books and attended MANY classes before bringing our children home. Some of those books we put in the REJECT.... and SOME we put in the ACCEPTABLE pile.
Some we had to read more than once to get a good idea of what they were talking about.... and then still felt there was not enough good in the book to keep.
These books are from REPUTABLE "specialists and counselors" in the area of adoption!
Not every counselor gives good information and many times, I have found their information to be DEAD WRONG.
Worse, is when a parent does not educate themselves at all but BELIEVES they understand what SCRIPTURE has to say on a subject BASED upon FALSE TEACHING.
Yes, they go straight for the Proverbs STRIKING verses, think they have the interpretation down and then add to that a few books written by people who are on the extremely legalistic side of parenting and try it out on their newly adopted kids.
The RESULT? STAGNATION. Sometimes even MORE TRAUMA than before, but most likely..... A BROKEN NON EXISTENT relationship that is based upon FEAR upon FEAR. And it is HEARTBREAKING TO SEE.
PLEASE DON'T spank, yell at, or consequence your children into the ground! There is a BETTER WAY to parent them. And it WORKS!
It does NOT lead them AWAY from the Lord... and they learn SELF DISCIPLINE!
DISCIPLE YOUR CHILDREN.... Come along side them and TEACH them. Give them positive instruction, lead them by example!
Not every behavior a child comes home with is a SIN!
Orphanage behaviors that are ACROSS THE BOARD COMMON are SURVIVAL SKILLS learned from NECESSITY.
These behaviors could include, tantrums, hoarding food, collecting all sorts of things, hiding food, lying, wetting, disorganized behaviors, lack of hygiene, extreme defensiveness, (fear of being rejected) over emphasis on protecting oneself, lack of eye contact, trust, easily angered, easily distracted, bad food habits, wearing dirty clothes, hiding dirty laundry, or clean laundry, demanding things, begging for things in the store, chewing with mouth open, not wiping hands, arguing, not understanding that their needs will be cared for, lack of trust...... and MORE!
Just as the person running from the bear that wants to eat him, reaches the safe cabin and locks the door......the adopted child's heart does not cease beating out of his chest.... he doesn't cease being AFRAID and NOT TRUSTING once he is in the safety of a new home!
TRUST TAKES TIME and RELATIONSHIP requires that we STUDY to KNOW OUR CHILDREN.
Don't assume that your children are just being naughty....
Behaviors that are common to children from extreme situations are common for a reason!
DON'T BUY INTO THE LIE that some groups give on EXTREME CONTROL.... HARSH TREATMENT... WITHHOLDING OF FOOD, EXTREME EXERCISE or HOLDING POSITIONS...
There is no tender, gentle love in this.... and PLEASE DO NOT
It can cause irreparable damage to their spirit. And in some cases, DEATH.
There is a famous PSYCHOLOGIST out there that says you "Break the Will" not the Spirit....
I disagree.....
I remember reading his book when our boys were little.... and All I could think of was.... "If I do what this book suggests, one of our boys would wind up dead." He was our tender hearted boy, disguised in tantrums and stubbornness. I am SO GLAD THAT I THREW THAT BOOK OUT!
I WANT TO PARENT MY CHILDREN TO SUCCEED! NOT JUST SIT AROUND CATCHING EVERY THING THEY DO WRONG AND PUNISHING THEM FOR IT!
It is MUCH better to study them, find out what makes them tick and then gently GUIDE the will to be in compliance.... Don't FURTHER BREAK down your child! Breaking the WILL, CRUSHES THE SPIRIT!
Instead, remove your preconceived ideas about your child and LOVE THEM.
We can guide our children to better behavior choices by modeling the behaviors we want them to have.
We can sit down with them and encourage them... exort them, correct them, guide them all in tenderness and gentleness.
Sometimes they do not respond right away.... but I GUARANTEE they are listening!
And slowly but surely, they WILL follow! And they will follow in LOVE and ADMIRATION!
Our Heavenly Father guides us ever so gently and patiently. We can learn SO MUCH from the Word of God about raising our little ones.
We can show our children the GOSPEL by LIVING it out for them, in front of them and in every area of our lives.
SHOW YOUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONAL, PATIENT, KIND, LOVE!
And you will be leading them to the Savior. The one who can REALLY change and heal their hearts.
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