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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Thoughts About .....Correction That Connects

Our children's beginnings...


Tonight, we covered "The Connected Child" chapter 2 at our support group.
I could barely get through this chapter without weeping.  Reading it once again reminded me of how NEGLECTED our children were, before they came home. :(

But I was also reminded of the FOUR MIRACLES that LIVE in our home. :)
YES! They are absolute MIRACLES......

When one considers that each and every day, in the normal life of a newborn babe, their mother connects with them time and time again; touching, hugging, changing, loving and caring for them, I see just how truly NEGLECTED our sweethearts truly were.:(
To have to lay in a crib all day for YEARS.... is a nightmare that 2 of our sweeties lived  in reality.
To be neglected by parents who were addicted was a nightmare that 2 of our other sweeties lived in reality.
Yet, today, EACH of them THRIVE.
I am so thankful for them beyond words.

LOVE your children. Have COMPASSION for them.  Bring them to a place of HEALING.
It is SO HONORABLE to be a parent. :)  And it is so REWARDING..... :)

Karen asks the question in chapter 2 workpages.  What is behind the behavior? And what is your child trying to communicate?  Sound familiar? 
In other words, dig deeper.  Try to find the solution. 

Also mentioned was "the belief system"..... if your child  is a child of trauma, or comes from a difficult background", their belief system may very well be, "I am not worthy to be loved". 
"I am not worthy to be fed."  "If I were loveable I wouldn't have been abandoned."

These deep seeded beliefs are things that we have encountered with each of our children.   That is why I believe it is important to have tenderness and unconditional love during a time of needed correction.   
Taking a child who is sullen and angry and singing to them, a song like Masterpiece, with words that soften the hardest of hearts, because it speaks TO that very belief system, counters it and says, you are worthy of all of my love. You are loveable. God loves you. I am PROUD of you....

Combine THAT with, "What would be an appropriate way to respond to mom when I ask you to do the dishes?"  or.........
Mama isn't asking you to do anything to cause you harm. I only want what is good for you.
Because I love you, I cannot let you be snotty, (fill in the blank)  as you are my precious, sweet daughter.  :)
And you have a recipe for healing and building trust.


DON'T avoid correction because you don't want to deal with the fall outInstead, find a way to CORRECT that CONNECTS you to your child! 

Hey I sorta like that statement..... "Find a way to CORRECT that CONNECTS! " (and that does NOT mean corporal punishment)  I'm talking about the deep communication of love between a parent and a child.  This is called "Teaching" and it is the TRUE ART OF DISCIPLINE.   If what you are doing does not connect with your child, then it is time to do things differently.  The change starts with YOU! :)

7 comments:

Kelly C said...

Amen.

Chiara said...

Wow Anna looks so Jackie Kennedy!!!

Hevel Cohen said...

I was just thinking of some children "training" methods that insist on breaking the will of the child through corporal punishment. I don't think that's G-d's will at all. I don't think it's possible, by the way. Just look at your daughters, their will to live and overcome is there!

Mike and Christie said...

Yes Hevel, those "methods" are ones that I know very well, and reject.

Mike and Christie said...

And, yes, our children are thriving without the use of corporal punishment.

Goosegirl said...

I love that book and will soon be starting the Empowered To Connect study as well.
Christie, do any of your girls throw major tantrums or speak to you in anger? We are struggling with our youngest really lashing out at home, refusing to do things, lots of screaming. It is worse than it has been in a long time and we are looking for ideas.
Thanks, Sivje

Mike and Christie said...

Sivje, yes, Anna and Sarah did when they were little (5-6) and then Anna would have times of speaking in angry absolutes.
Alli didn't come home until 11, and she did too. She was 2 or 3 in an 11 year old's body. It was sad to see and difficult to "accept". :)
I have written about several of those occasions on the blog.
The thing that worked BEST for us, was to remain calm, and not react to her over reaction. When she was calm we talked to her about using "tools" to control herself. She didn't like her outbursts either, and we knew that. She just didn't know any other way. She had never been taught effectively. She understood it was wrong. She just didn't know what to do instead. So over the past 16 months, we have helped her learn HOW to handle disappointment and frustration, and also to IDENTIFY what they are. She now understands the difference between anger, frustration, hurt feelings, sadness, joy, peacefulness, love, hatred.
Being able to attach a to word to a feeling and verbally express it, makes all that energy go away!

The second step is helping her learn when she is using her words, to make sure they come out in a respectful tone.
I would say that 80% of the time we are there with her. And when she does forget, she corrects HERSELF now. :)

If we look at each situation as a time for learning and teaching.... it makes it easier for US as parents to cope with unusual behaviors.
I have had my share of bruises from a flailing 11 year old, and my share of hurt feelings from words aimed at the heart. But that storm is a thing in the past at this time.
Will it come back? I hope not, and my guess is if she goes through another bump (which I expect bumps) the attachment she has formed will serve well in helping her through.

I have a theory for when it gets worse. They are beginning to attach and love you, and the feeling is terrifying. It is PARAMOUNT at this stage that they be connected to and reassured of your love for them; that it will never, ever, ever, ever end! Never ever ever. :)
Once over that hump.... you will most likely see a huge jump ahead to healing. :) That has been our experience.

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