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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Very Good Question BCLC

The question was: What would we have done if she refused to obey at all, AND, isn't there a time for mom said it, just do it?
(paraphrased) :)


LOL... I was thinking about that last night after I wrote it.
She has not done that. (refused to obey) But what I would have most likely done is gone with her and asked her to help me help Sarah, and led her by example.
Remember , this is not her normal behavior but one that exhibits when she is very stressed. So, I most likely shouldn't have asked her in the first place, or just asked if she wanted to come along, which she probably would have. But that is 20/20 hindsight.

And you are correct, there is a time for Mom said so that is it. It just isn't that time in crisis mode. Remember the idea of staying present in the moment. If I had demanded she go, had she refused, which I could have, (and she then would have) It would have been nothing more than me exercising my over bearing authority just because I could and caused her to feel even more "entitled" to her wounds. I don't want to feed that, but cause her to face the fact that she is not reacting to anything but her own past hurts. THEN, when it is over, we can sit and clearly and precisely go over the issue and help her see she was being totally reactive and over a totally different issue really. Normally she doesn't mind helping.

When she was first home she didn't want to obey, so we showed her how by example over and over and over.We came alongside and guided her through each thing and then praised a job well done. Most of the time we are a well oiled machine around here. LOL Goals met are satisfying for all.
If a home is too authoritarian, not allowing emotion or feelings, the results can be total rebellion. I do not find that to be healthy or biblical. I also can see that blind following based upon fear can cause a lack of ability to make decisions later.

The goal of loving obedience? YES.... Blind obedience based upon fear? No.
Is there ever a place for fear? yes.... but that is another post. :)

We need to get Sarah a big flashlight!

5 comments:

:)De said...

I try to remember that my "authority" has a purpose of teaching, guiding and leading, not using just because I can because there is no teaching in that and then we all will be forced to keep repeating the undesired.

Peace

Mike and Christie said...

I totally agree De :)
We have had a great day so far. It seems we are all back to normal. YEA!

She came and got me a few minutes ago and showed me her bed. There is a blanket on it that says, "A Mother is the Truest Friend we have." And then she gave me a big hug.

She also helped me without being asked to bring some oil into the shoppe and put on the shelves. :)

I think we have our sweetie back. :)

Annie said...

I think that parents can be expressing their own fears when they worry about having control over their child. I will catch myself becoming dysregulated - particularly when one of my children will become "difficult" suddenly and I'm not prepared, or when I am tired. I hear my voice raise....I find myself wanting to say the "normal" parent things. "You'll do as I say, young lady!" or some such. If I can calm down, I'll realize it is me fearing not being in control. Not me wanting to love her and lead her that speaks those words.

Anonymous said...

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Carry on the superb work!

Mike and Christie said...

Thank you Anonymous.

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