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Monday, June 7, 2010

Another BCLC Moment Courtesy of Our Kids :)

This was written with permission from our unnamed sweetie. :)


This flower is very significant. It represents forgiveness and unconditional sisterly love. :)
We had a really fun weekend, too fun. It has also been a while since we have had any sort of melt down, or near melt down, so we were due. :)

A few things that took place this weekend were going to the lake, visiting with friends,going to worship, meeting our new Grand Sons, the Foster Care program, going to see the Movie "Marmaduke" which was rather cute, and the changing of the room. (that happened a little earlier in the week)

I had noticed a child who will remain nameless was a little more "clingy" than normal.
Even in the theater, she wanted to snuggle while she enjoyed the movie. She had also made some claims that I knew were most likely untrue, about some successes accomplished at the Lake, but couldn't prove it, so I didn't say anything. (regarding how far she would walk on a beam)

When we got home last night, it was a little late, and there were a few things to do before bedtime. We had to collect the eggs, make sure Wally was fed and put away in his pen, and make sure the chicken doors were shut to keep them safe from predators.

Sarah is afraid to go out in the dark alone; a fear I totally understand. I had that fear for a long time. So, while Erika was busy getting things ready inside, I volunteered our unnamed child for the job.
"Unnamed can go out with you and then you won't be afraid."

That sent her over the edge. "Mom, you didn't even ask me! You just ASSUMED I'd do it! I don't want to do it!"
I was not pleased, as we should all be willing to serve each other with humble hearts, considering each other more important.

BUT, I did not serve. I just said that our unnamed child would! So, I sat by her and said, "You are right. I didn't ask and I'm sorry. Will you help your sister?" She said she would.

So out they went, and then Sarah came in sobbing. Sarah doesn't cry easily so I figured something was dead. No, she was upset because somebody who will not be named called the chickens "dumb and the eggs dumb". "Why do I have to get the dumb eggs and put away the dumb chickens!" This crushed Sarah, because she loves the chickens. It also shocked her, because Anna loves them too.

So we comforted Sarah and sent her off to bed with Erika. And then it was time to deal with our unnamed child. :)

She was sitting on the couch sulking. It reminded me of what she was like all the time a few years ago. In my heart, I was mad, sad and disappointed all at the same time, yet I felt compassion for her. I was trying to think about what could be bothering her.
We had an incident at the lake recently, that I had yet to figure out..... and then,
it came pouring out of her.
"I'm nothing but a problem child!" WHAT? I was a little surprised. Why would you say that? It's true, that is what others think of me.

So, I dug a little deeper, and it appears she had been harboring a comment made to her by somebody who was mad at her. Words hurt. And children who have burdens or wounds that are not fully healed and take hurtful words right back into that wound and cause a major infection! I have no doubt that the person who said this had been offended in some way.....but words to this effect are not helpful. They are hurtful.

She began to sob as I began to talk with her about truth. The truth is "We are ALL problem children!" "We are all sinners and sinners sin." But our heavenly father sees and knows and loves us and wants to help us." We all have the same problem, including the one who said you were a problem child. :) That is the truth!

She began to sob more, but her sobbing and quivering lips were those of letting go of sorrow and past hurt. Another layer taken away.
As we were talking, I could see the memories of foster care,( our new grandsons are in foster care) adoption,( a boy our children had in foster care had been adopted over the weekend and he excitedly called to tell us) The move to a new room (packing boxes and suit cases) and then me not giving her a choice in how I told her to do something....(I was being bossy), the incident at the lake with the person who called her a problem child, and our neighbor who is rather cantankerous at 85, yelled at the girls on Saturday, all came to the perfect storm.

But I see that storm as a good thing. All those wounds she was holding inside came out, and we were able to deal with them. They started out as hurtful words of "I don't need a family".... and ended 15 minutes later with " hold me, I do need a family, will you stay with me tonight?"

I told her the very first thing.... "YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FUN! YOU DESERVE A FAMILY!"
She wept, no I don't, I'm a problem. NO YOU ARE NOT! YOU ARE PRECIOUS, YOU ARE LOVELY< YOU ARE SWEET< YOU ARE KIND< YOU ARE! I believe in speaking life into our children. I believe we can speak truth into them. All of this is wrapped into the gospel of Christ. "You were dead in your trespasses and sins, but now you are ALIVE! And when you find you are not being those things, seek the Lord. HE WILL HELP YOU IN TIME OF DESPERATE NEED!"

We prayed together, and we reassured her of our love for her. We reassured her that she is no longer alone, and she is safe. We talked about the path of life and the choices we make. I let her know, we LOVE YOU FOREVER, but you must choose the path of love too. And in order to walk that path, you must also choose the path of forgiveness. Do not harbor anger, bitterness, unforgiveness in your heart. Those things will destroy you. God can use your hurts to make you strong, they don't have to destroy you!

Before she went to bed, she asked, "Mama, do you need me to go and get the eggs?" I told her no, they could wait until morning. She went to bed with a peaceful heart and woke up this a.m. our happy girl.

This morning, I was so thankful that Sarah, brought in a flower for Me and for our unnamed sweetie, after letting her chickens out. She has learned to keep short accounts. :) Keeping Short accounts is VERY important when dealing with troubles or offenses against us. (I need to remember this with our grouchy neighbor) We do not have time to harbor resentments or anger. Forgive, and move on. Each day is a new day. Each moment a new moment. Is that not what our Heavenly Father does for us? He is patient and kind. He instructs and corrects, and leads and guides. We fail, and He picks us right back up and keeps us moving into Life.
Love is patient, love is kind, Love Hopes All things, Endures All things, Love Never Fails.

5 comments:

Mike and Christie said...

Well, we've had a so so day. We are still doing school, but had a break for about 5 days. Today was our big day to start back.... it was too much for Anna to do her math today. We had tears and sorrow. We can't go to the lake until school work is done, so hopefully that will be a good carrot, but somehow today, I don't think it will. There is always tomorrow. :(

I have also been mulling in my mind some conversations she has over heard. One about disruption after 6 years, (how long we have had her) and all the foster care talk with our kids. I think it will be best to keep conversations out of her ear shot. She isn't able to handle that right now.

JJ said...

Please tell your darling daughter that I, too, felt like the difficult child. My sister was happy to go along with the plan, and never complained about ANYTHING, it seemed. If she ever said she didn't feel well, we all knew she was REALLY sick! I believe that my sister is so compliant and easy going because God made her that way. Given her personality, she has been content to live at home and work the same job for 25+ years?

As for me...I married "Mr. Adventure". We have lived in 5 states and I have had several different careers within my fields of study. IMO, God knew just what kind of personality I needed to do His will. Your daughters do, too...as you know. Maybe hearing this from someone else will help?

Personally, I do better with "high maintenance" children. There is never a question as to what they feel or think. They have their own opinions, which makes them interesting, exciting, and exceptionally unique in my eyes. Friday, I had lunch with a former student. It was amazing what some of those discontent students are doing now! One has his own line of gourmet coffee, one went to college at a performing arts school in Paris, and one is a lawyer, living in England,.... I have to believe that God puts an itch in us, that only His will can satisfy. Viva la difference!

{ : < ))
JJ

Mike and Christie said...

JJ, if you had a blog I'd give you my sunshine award. LOL

I totally agree. High Maintenance is harder to deal with when they are young, but those are the creators and inventors and leaders of the future generations!

I used to teach preschool and I would love to get all the more difficult kids. The ones that don't sit to read letters and numbers and use blocks for things other than stacking. :) I loved those kids!

I think we are going to be just fine. Just a bump in our road.I will certainly tell her your kind words. She loves you!

CM

Annie said...

I sincerely appreciate your sharing. These "scenarios" (how some real-life situation was handled, and what worked, what didn't...) they help a lot.

I think you are very perceptive. Whenever I experience melt-down I need to stop and think about what was piling up or what trigger set it off....and always - well, when I figure it out - see what I wish I'd seen before....something that become obvious when seen through my child's colored glasses.

Really, it is an exercise in compassion - which you showed so beautifully.

Terri-Anne said...

Hi Christie,
As I read your blog this morning, I had to stop halfway thru........as I couldn't see thru my tears. Your understanding and compassion for your daughters current needs and their past-hurts is very admirable and something I definitely aspire to. It sounds like you turned a difficult scenario, that would surely be described very negatively by some tired ill-equipped parents, into some beautiful moments of connecting and growing.
Thank you so much for sharing, and showing us one possible way to handle such a situation. Sometimes when you are up to your eyeballs in conflict and frustration, it's hard to see your way out to something positive. But you've painted a clear picture of a calmly handled loving interaction. Thanks again!

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