This is his first picture..... just 5 hours old! :)
His name is Felix Luther Minich.
He weighed in at 7 lbs. 4 oz's. and he is 21 1/2 inches long.
Mama and Papa are doing well along with brothers Sam and Truman. :)
Felix means "Lucky or Happy".
This IS a happy day! :)
The Minich Family Blog: Every Family Has A Story...Welcome To Ours
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Grief Revisited
Grief is a process that sometimes comes in waves. You will be doing just fine and then it hits you once again. You had a tragedy in your family long ago, or more recently. Suddenly, grief is upon you and the emotions are there once again because there is something new to process and examine.
I am the same age that my father was when he died. It is strange being the same age. It has made me go back and think about him more lately. It makes me miss him, and wonder what he would have been like as an older man.
Sometimes I miss Mike's dad Ed so very much. I felt close to him. His death was a shock and sometimes I go back on my blog and read his comments. He was a wonderful man.
As an adult, these times come upon me, and they are just out of no where. It isn't something you can really "control". However, I CAN control how I deal with grief. I can choose to do something nice for another older person, or make sure I visit a sick friend, because you never know....
There is also grief that is felt when our nation is attacked. I have had that grief a few times. It is an overwhelming sadness and the question of why? It feels like your innocence has been ripped away and that you really are not safe.
That is how it feels! But it isn't the truth.
For our children who have come from very difficult, complicated backgrounds, grief can come and revisit, even when they have been doing well. It doesn't mean they aren't doing well, grief visits periodically, unannounced.
Some might call it PTSD, because something might remind them of a loss from before, and the emotions are there, raw and real, once again. And when grief pays a visit, sometimes they don't handle it so well.
I could sense we were going to have one of those moments with Miss Alli. She has really grown up a lot in the past 6 months. She has matured, and become much more fluent in her ability to speak and express herself. But she is still working on appropriate behaviors when grief comes upon her.
As a young lady who fully understands where babies come from, how parents are to commit to that baby for life, and how it feels when they don't, Miss Alli had some things to work through these last few days. Her frustration of not seeing her brother and sister, wondering about other siblings, if her mother was still alive and more have been on her heart. She has mentioned it in a healthy way and we have prayed.
But today, she took out her grief in a less healthy way. She expressed it through anger.
But what happened along with it, as we lay on the bed together was DIFFERENT.
She was able to say what was on her heart.
It came out rough.... but it was real.
"You are not my real mother, you are my step mother." "My real mother lives in Russia!"
Once again, she is processing what happened to her at a new level. Each of our girls has had to go through this level of thinking. "What happened to me?" "Why didn't they do better?"
"Why were they so violent?" "Was I not worth it?" These are grief questions. They are birthed in sorrow and sadness. And it is O.K.
"No, I'm not your step mother, and I am very REAL.... but I am your adoptive mother."
Do you know that there is a difference between those 3 kinds of moms?
Your birth mother gave birth to you. It must be very hard to not have her in your life. It must be so sad to think that you had to be taken away, and that her life was destroyed with alcohol and violence.
But you need to know that it is right and ok for you to love her. She is your mother too.
A step mother is the wife of your father. Sometimes she "steps in" and helps to finish raising children. Sometimes step mothers have great relationships with their step children, and sometimes not. However, she is not an adoptive mother.
Mama and Papa adopted you. That means it is as IF I did give birth to you. Our names are on your
birth certificate as if we were there. In my heart, I feel that very way. And I know this for sure, because I did give birth to your brothers and I love you just as I love them.
Because you are adopted you have an INHERITANCE! That means you are a Minich and in every way a family member in good standing, who will always have a family name. It is a good inheritance.
God adopts us as His children. He has 1 one first born son: Jesus Christ. But we are joint heirs with Christ. God does not have step children. We are His children, period.
Mama doesn't have step children either. You are a joint heir with all your siblings.
I listened to her as she shared what was on her heart. We then talked about appropriate ways to express our sadness or frustration, and to remember our history. Has she learned this in the past? Yes. She just needed a reminder. And she will probably need one again. :)
The cool thing about Alli is that she really, really wants to do well. Sometimes she gets stuck.
But it isn't the same as before. She collects herself together pretty quickly and thinks things through in the end, coming to repentance and asking forgiveness.
As a side note: I did find it interesting that her previous two adoptive families did not come up.
She has been with us now for over two years, and I think those experiences are fading into the background. The memories are less and less. Most memories now are appropriately going back to Russia, or what we did last year. :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
BIGOTRY-HATRED- RACISM
Just like yesterday evening when this happened, I am not sure exactly how to put into words what I am about to share. I am also not sure what the correct response would have been..... I'm still thinking about it.
I was in a Walmart yesterday evening, picking up a few quick supplies. As I was walking down an aisle, there came a rather noisy family. There were three smiling children, rather shabbily dressed, hair unkept and dirty. They ranged in age from around, 7 down to 3 and were all three riding on the basket. The middle child was saying over and over and over "BEEP BEEP- WHITE PEOPLE COMING THROUGH!"
At first I thought I heard it wrong, but she gave plenty of opportunity to keep saying what she was saying.
Her "father", who looked like he lost a fight with a bad tattoo artist, if that is who he was, kept saying, "You keep saying that, I'm proud of you, you can say that all you want!"
And she continued. I went to the other side of the store and then went to check out.
Of course, in the line I picked, guess who was in front of me. And they were still at it.
When it was time for check out, this obnoxious man made the cashier wait to pay for his groceries with a smirk on his face as he texted for several minutes.
She finally said, "Are you ready to pay?"
And he eventually paid.
He looked at me and apparently my face wasn't to his liking and he told the children to start saying the "Beep-Beep White People Coming Through" phrase again..... and they did.
I looked at the cashier and asked, is this allowed to just "go on" in a store where there are people of all races who should be able to shoppe without such bigotry?
Her reply: "It isn't my place to say anything."
I said, "Not only is it, it is mine too, and I found myself speechless, watching as a man twisted the minds of his children to teach them hatred against other humans.
We all bleed red."
The man behind me said, "Amen."
And then we all went our separate ways.
All of us saying nothing.
Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself for not being braver. I think he would have thought nothing of striking me, and fear caused me to hold my tongue.
Hopefully there will not be a next time. But if there is..... I will not hold back.
We live in Texas, but Texas is NOT "good ole' boy town".
Not MY Texas.
I was in a Walmart yesterday evening, picking up a few quick supplies. As I was walking down an aisle, there came a rather noisy family. There were three smiling children, rather shabbily dressed, hair unkept and dirty. They ranged in age from around, 7 down to 3 and were all three riding on the basket. The middle child was saying over and over and over "BEEP BEEP- WHITE PEOPLE COMING THROUGH!"
At first I thought I heard it wrong, but she gave plenty of opportunity to keep saying what she was saying.
Her "father", who looked like he lost a fight with a bad tattoo artist, if that is who he was, kept saying, "You keep saying that, I'm proud of you, you can say that all you want!"
And she continued. I went to the other side of the store and then went to check out.
Of course, in the line I picked, guess who was in front of me. And they were still at it.
When it was time for check out, this obnoxious man made the cashier wait to pay for his groceries with a smirk on his face as he texted for several minutes.
She finally said, "Are you ready to pay?"
And he eventually paid.
He looked at me and apparently my face wasn't to his liking and he told the children to start saying the "Beep-Beep White People Coming Through" phrase again..... and they did.
I looked at the cashier and asked, is this allowed to just "go on" in a store where there are people of all races who should be able to shoppe without such bigotry?
Her reply: "It isn't my place to say anything."
I said, "Not only is it, it is mine too, and I found myself speechless, watching as a man twisted the minds of his children to teach them hatred against other humans.
We all bleed red."
The man behind me said, "Amen."
And then we all went our separate ways.
All of us saying nothing.
Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself for not being braver. I think he would have thought nothing of striking me, and fear caused me to hold my tongue.
Hopefully there will not be a next time. But if there is..... I will not hold back.
We live in Texas, but Texas is NOT "good ole' boy town".
Not MY Texas.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Tragic Day for The Boston Marathon
http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/15/us/boston-marathon-explosions/index.html?hpt=hp_t1
What in the world? The Boston Marathon has been ongoing since 1897. Somebody decided to ruin it, to ruin it's innocence.
Another tragedy for America and for the world. Many people from around the world run in this marathon.
Apparently the JFK Library was also bombed.
I don't even know what to think or feel. I feel anger and I also feel sad that my children and grand children have to see such ridiculous, needless atrocity.
I don't know who did this. Of course my mind goes back to 9/11 and who was behind that.
But it is too soon to tell.
I pray that those responsible will be found. I also pray they will hear the gospel. The gospel is the answer to all of this.
What in the world? The Boston Marathon has been ongoing since 1897. Somebody decided to ruin it, to ruin it's innocence.
Another tragedy for America and for the world. Many people from around the world run in this marathon.
Apparently the JFK Library was also bombed.
I don't even know what to think or feel. I feel anger and I also feel sad that my children and grand children have to see such ridiculous, needless atrocity.
I don't know who did this. Of course my mind goes back to 9/11 and who was behind that.
But it is too soon to tell.
I pray that those responsible will be found. I also pray they will hear the gospel. The gospel is the answer to all of this.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Keeping Short Accounts
Many times it is used in reference to marriage. Don't hold grudges or keep lists of the wrongs or seeming wrongs your spouse has committed towards you.
It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma backgrounds.
Children from tough backgrounds many times come with a tough exterior due to such personal trauma and pain, it is unimaginable. They are very frightened of being hurt again, but that fear does not look like fear to us. It looks more like defiance and anger. It may even be defiance and anger, but we must remember that it is rooted in fear.
When we feel vulnerable ourselves, sometimes we can lose our focus and fall into a mindset that can be very destructive. We choose to remember in our hearts how hurt we are, how we have been wronged, how the words spoken to us in anger pierced us or crushed our feelings , and then, we fall into the trap of unforgiveness, bitterness and keeping records of wrongs.
What happens next? Fear begins to set in and we begin to parent according to our own fears instead of parenting from a place of love.
Fear tells us that our children will not heal.
Fear tells us that they will not make it in the real world.
Fear tells us that when they are older, they won't go to college, grow up, become productive adults and more.
Those records, written on our hearts come to us when our child acts out, and we catalogue the charges against our children deep within our souls.
This cannot be!
Not only is it unhealthy and destructive to relationship. It is unbiblical!
In First Corinthians 13:1-7
It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma backgrounds.
Children from tough backgrounds many times come with a tough exterior due to such personal trauma and pain, it is unimaginable. They are very frightened of being hurt again, but that fear does not look like fear to us. It looks more like defiance and anger. It may even be defiance and anger, but we must remember that it is rooted in fear.
When we feel vulnerable ourselves, sometimes we can lose our focus and fall into a mindset that can be very destructive. We choose to remember in our hearts how hurt we are, how we have been wronged, how the words spoken to us in anger pierced us or crushed our feelings , and then, we fall into the trap of unforgiveness, bitterness and keeping records of wrongs.
What happens next? Fear begins to set in and we begin to parent according to our own fears instead of parenting from a place of love.
Fear tells us that our children will not heal.
Fear tells us that they will not make it in the real world.
Fear tells us that when they are older, they won't go to college, grow up, become productive adults and more.
Those records, written on our hearts come to us when our child acts out, and we catalogue the charges against our children deep within our souls.
This cannot be!
Not only is it unhealthy and destructive to relationship. It is unbiblical!
In First Corinthians 13:1-7
1If
I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love
others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If
I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret
plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could
move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.
3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Did you see that is scripture? I underlined it.... remember it! Notice it says "every circumstance"?
That means every!
If we find ourselves keeping records in our hearts, we are not responding to our children from a place of love, but actually from a place of self protection and selfishness. (fear)
These are hard words to hear. I have to tell them to myself too. :)
If we don't give our children a fresh start, or clean slate emotionally, or allow them to try again, when they have failed, we will be holding them back. If we have them blackmailed emotionally, knowing that we are holding past behaviors over their heads to be brought out at our choice moment, we will not be pursuing to create relationship but to destroy it. It may be unintentional, but the result will be destruction and continued disintegration of the relationship.
And it is so easy to fall into that trap.
Did you see that is scripture? I underlined it.... remember it! Notice it says "every circumstance"?
That means every!
If we find ourselves keeping records in our hearts, we are not responding to our children from a place of love, but actually from a place of self protection and selfishness. (fear)
These are hard words to hear. I have to tell them to myself too. :)
If we don't give our children a fresh start, or clean slate emotionally, or allow them to try again, when they have failed, we will be holding them back. If we have them blackmailed emotionally, knowing that we are holding past behaviors over their heads to be brought out at our choice moment, we will not be pursuing to create relationship but to destroy it. It may be unintentional, but the result will be destruction and continued disintegration of the relationship.
And it is so easy to fall into that trap.
Just like the best intentions to have a great marriage can fail, the best intentions to have a great parent child relationship can fail.
The good news is: Just like you can be the change to bring a marriage together from failure, you can also be the change to bring a parent child relationship together successfully.
We need to practice rejoicing when our children do well, and look at them as God looks at them and us.
When we sin, God sees us through Jesus Christ. He sees us as forgiven. He sees us as sons.
God does not hold our sins up before us over and over.... there is an accuser that does that. Let's represent Christ to our kids, not the accuser!
In the case of a child who is not in faith; just as God pursued us with intense love, to the point, he sent His son, we need to pursue our children with that kind of love. Entrust them to the Lord, pray for them, love them! Seek relationship!
The good news is: Just like you can be the change to bring a marriage together from failure, you can also be the change to bring a parent child relationship together successfully.
We need to practice rejoicing when our children do well, and look at them as God looks at them and us.
When we sin, God sees us through Jesus Christ. He sees us as forgiven. He sees us as sons.
God does not hold our sins up before us over and over.... there is an accuser that does that. Let's represent Christ to our kids, not the accuser!
In the case of a child who is not in faith; just as God pursued us with intense love, to the point, he sent His son, we need to pursue our children with that kind of love. Entrust them to the Lord, pray for them, love them! Seek relationship!
A Picture of BCLC pt 2 "What Happens Next?"
Yesterday, I wrote this post <---- (linked) about Miss Alli. :)
Today, I want to cover "What Happens Next?"
What happens after there is repentance and calm has come back into the home? What happens next, when a child exhibits old behaviors, or you are in the throws of young child parenting or newly parenting traumatized, older, children?
BCLC or grace based parenting requires two sides of the discipline coin to be successful. The first side, I wrote about yesterday in the post mentioned above, and have written extensively through out this blog regarding the same things.
The other side of the coin has to do with equipping our children with the tools needed to succeed the next time they feel overwhelmed or upset about something.
One of the leading questions you can ask your child is, "What happened last night when you were so upset? Do you know why you climbed up that tree?" They may not know! Be prepared for that answer, and accept it as true.
The next step would be to say, "How do you think you can handle it differently next time?" Preparing them, that in life, there will be disappointments, discouragements, disagreements and more. Explain in detail how you are not perfect, and neither are they. We never will be perfect here on this earth, and we will make mistakes.
If they come up with a strategy, that is fantastic! But don't expect them to do this right away if they are new to having to think outside of their comfort zone.
This gives you opportunity to speak into their heart. Offer a time when you were young and over reacted to something in your life. This puts you on the same team and reduces their level of shame. (I'll use one from my own childhood)
"I was so angry, so angry! I went into my closet and hid. I thought of bad words and then I bit my own hand! "
"That seems so silly to me now!"
I shared this with my daughter and she laughed. "You did that?"
"Yep. Mama did that!"
"And it didn't help me. All it did was make me feel guilty, because I knew it was wrong!"
"Mama doesn't do that anymore."
"Would you like some ideas for tools so you don't let yourself get out of control when you are angry?"
And then, you can come up with some ideas together!
Sometimes writing down how you are feeling helps. For a littler one, drawing a picture.
Maybe coming and sitting by you and squeezing your hand, squeezing a kush ball or singing a song, playing the piano, getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths in rhythm with mom, (Alli likes the breathing one), playing basket ball, exercising, thinking about a funny joke...and more.....This is the other side of that discipline coin; teaching "self discipline" and "self control". (all of these are successful self control tools)
For me, as a mama, if I am feeling like I am going to lose control myself, instantly making myself look at how I am feeling and then using humor with my child has diffused more situations than I can count over the years.
"Wow! Mama said, "Don't be disrespectful, disrespectfully!" oops! :)
As our children learn to get those tools out and practice using them, they will get better and better at using them in the heat of the moment, preventing a melt down.
New butterflies emerge from their cocoons when those cocoons look like there is no life in them at all!
And they soar!
I love hearing success stories... would anybody like to share?
Friday, April 12, 2013
A Picture of BCLC part 1
11/13ths... chaos. 2/13ths healthy. You can 't even reduce that to lowest terms yet! :)
This really helps me to keep things in perspective.
Miss Alli loves animals of all kinds. Yesterday for our special time she asked if we could look at the "Russian Hamsters" at the pet store. I honored her request with the knowledge we would not be coming home with a hamster. :) She oohed and awed at them for a while, did some cage pricing and then we went on our way.
We had a wonderful time while we were out, and just had a really great conversation.
Sometimes, she gets things in her mind and gets determined to find a way to make it happen!
She asked her daddy if she could get a hamster. He said, he didn't think she was ready to care for an animal inside the house. This made her pretty upset. She knows she has pets outside, but she was dissatisfied. She wants one inside.
She mentioned a bird, a snake and now a hamster.
She was brooding over the answer a little bit, and then got overwhelmed and went to lie on her bed.
I went in to check on her after a few minutes, and she had the covers over her head and was not budging. She didn't want dinner. Didn't want anything but a hamster!
"I know you are disappointed about the hamster."
So, I went into the other room and left her door open. She could hear Sarah and I singing songs while making dinner. She could hear laughter and she could hear joy.
I knew she wanted in her heart to join in, but she stayed on her bed. And then.... she went outside and climbed the tree. HIGH. She has not done that in nearly 2 years.
I went outside and asked her to come down. "Do you realize, you broke your pinky promise?"
She immediately came down. She went back into her room and I gently said, "We love you sweetie."
"I know you are disappointed, but you need to really think about what daddy has said."
I sang a little soft song to her, and then I put my hand on her and just prayed for her.
Tears began to flow.
I quietly said that I was going to go and finish dinner. "We would love for you to join us."
(Daddy had to leave with Erika for a special time)
She came out with tears of regret. "Mama, I am so sorry I broke my pinky promise! I can't believe I broke my pinky promise! I was also wrong to get so angry! I was so wrong!"
"Will you forgive me?" And she fell into my arms with true sorrow and repentance.
"OH YES I WILL!"
I told her that she needs to forgive herself too, and let the Lord carry that burden.
Then we talked a little more about hamsters and why we don't think this is a good time for one.
She understood and received our instruction without anger.
We also talked just a little bit about dissatisfaction. Why do we think we have a "need" for something? "What are we trying to fill inside by getting another animal?"
That took some thinking. And she had some very good insights!
"Animals don't hurt you or reject you."
But God has created us to be in relationship with people! And even though people do hurt us and reject us, they are also capable of great love and mutual relationship! An animal cannot fulfill that kind of relationship.
She waited up for Daddy and Erika to come home and then apologized to her daddy too.
It was beautiful.
We renewed our pinky promise. :)
Today, there has been no mention of hamsters, birds, snakes or other animals.... there was just happiness.
(Our gentle modeling, forced her to have to look at her own behaviors. She was faced with being the one who was angry. She was faced with being the one who broke her promise and she was faced with being the one who was on her bed pulling away from relationship. She didn't like it.)
This is how BCLC works.
Our kids feel safe when we are in control. They feel safe and secure when we make a decision, even one they don't agree with and stay the course in a fair and just manner.
There was no need to consequence her. She was ashamed of her own behavior already. She needed mercy and understanding, but not caving in to her demands.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Whacking Through The Weeds OR Not....
I was visiting Sally's Blog "I Take Joy" today, and just loved what she had to say about how grace based parenting is NOT leniency or coddling. (I added the coddling word)
Her post got me to thinking about parenting kids who come from hard places. Not that I don't think about it all the time. But I began to focus on what some think BCLC is, or Grace Based Parenting is. If you don't understand the concepts, you might think it is spoiling, allowing children to be out of control, smiling as your little princess throws a huge fit, demands, talks back, etc.
(you get the picture)
What a horrifying thought! It is not at all even close to the truth.
When children come into our lives after living a life completely separate from us, they come with their own set of values, morals, ideas, likes and dislikes; and those may be quite different from our own!
(that is an understatement) :)
In order to help them root out unwanted behaviors, we need to cultivate the soil. Gently!
Picture a child's heart as a plot of land for a garden. But this land has not been cared for at all. There has been no fertilizer, no compost, no weeding of any kind, no careful hoeing, no water..... it has just been left to itself. Do you know what a garden looks like that is left to itself???
It looks kind of like this picture. Rather wild isn't it?
If you just go in and start whacking down every weed you see, you are going to cause more problems in your garden. Whacking weeds will only spread them. The roots will still be there and the seeds of those weeds will fall into more soil and you will have a bigger problem that you started with!
In our Children's lives, if we bring them home and just start whacking at the weeds, (the unwanted, trauma based behaviors) we will only be spreading them. It might look pretty at first! The weeds are all gone! SEE!
But then, they will start to come up all over the place! Why?
Because we forgot about the root! The root causes of many behaviors are based in fear and shame.
Trust me, your child wants to get better, they really do! But sometimes it is just so scary!
Now, if you were a garden, wouldn't you be scared if farmer John came over, big and tall, wearing his hat, gloves and overalls, and just started whacking at you? Wouldn't that make you want to run and hide?
That is a picture of our children, who come home already frightened and then, all this whacking, chopping and supposed weeding starts to happen....
In reality, the little tender trust shoot that was starting to grow gets chopped down with the hoe of anger, impatience, adult temper fits, demands, and the attitude of "Enough already! When are you going to grow up and face the real world?"
Then answer is, they need to be cultivated with love, fertilized with kindness, sown with patience,
and watered with abounding grace.
If a child's weeds are just whacked, there will be a naked garden,
suffering from lack of nutrition, too afraid to emerge from the soil,
lest they be whacked again.
A good gardener knows that gardening takes time. They are patiently dedicated to having a wonderful garden of blessing with luscious flowers to adore and foods to eat as the reward of their labor.
A really awesome garden takes YEARS to cultivate. It doesn't happen in one season, two or even 4 or 5.
Working in that soil the nutrients needed is a labor of love.
Tending those little plants carefully, will lead to an abundant harvest!
Weeding must be carefully done, much like a surgeon must be careful, we must too!
Put the weed whacker away! It doesn't get the right job done!
Get on your knees and pray about what weeds need to be carefully and gently removed from our children's hearts, and pray about how to remove them.
And then, nourish your children's lives with the abundance of grace that flows from a life turned over to Him.
I promise, they will grow! The weeds will try to come back, but you will know how to work with your child to help rid them.
And they will. Their little heart garden will bear the fruit from your labor of love. :)
Tender trust shoots bloom when they aren't whacked! They develop deep roots! And when the winds of struggle try to blow them away, uproot them or destroy them, they thrive.
In the process of growing the garden of your child's heart there will be thorns, but don't forget to smell the roses! :)
Her post got me to thinking about parenting kids who come from hard places. Not that I don't think about it all the time. But I began to focus on what some think BCLC is, or Grace Based Parenting is. If you don't understand the concepts, you might think it is spoiling, allowing children to be out of control, smiling as your little princess throws a huge fit, demands, talks back, etc.
(you get the picture)
What a horrifying thought! It is not at all even close to the truth.
When children come into our lives after living a life completely separate from us, they come with their own set of values, morals, ideas, likes and dislikes; and those may be quite different from our own!
(that is an understatement) :)
In order to help them root out unwanted behaviors, we need to cultivate the soil. Gently!
Picture a child's heart as a plot of land for a garden. But this land has not been cared for at all. There has been no fertilizer, no compost, no weeding of any kind, no careful hoeing, no water..... it has just been left to itself. Do you know what a garden looks like that is left to itself???
It looks kind of like this picture. Rather wild isn't it?
If you just go in and start whacking down every weed you see, you are going to cause more problems in your garden. Whacking weeds will only spread them. The roots will still be there and the seeds of those weeds will fall into more soil and you will have a bigger problem that you started with!
In our Children's lives, if we bring them home and just start whacking at the weeds, (the unwanted, trauma based behaviors) we will only be spreading them. It might look pretty at first! The weeds are all gone! SEE!
But then, they will start to come up all over the place! Why?
Because we forgot about the root! The root causes of many behaviors are based in fear and shame.
Trust me, your child wants to get better, they really do! But sometimes it is just so scary!
That is a picture of our children, who come home already frightened and then, all this whacking, chopping and supposed weeding starts to happen....
In reality, the little tender trust shoot that was starting to grow gets chopped down with the hoe of anger, impatience, adult temper fits, demands, and the attitude of "Enough already! When are you going to grow up and face the real world?"
Then answer is, they need to be cultivated with love, fertilized with kindness, sown with patience,
and watered with abounding grace.
A good gardener knows that gardening takes time. They are patiently dedicated to having a wonderful garden of blessing with luscious flowers to adore and foods to eat as the reward of their labor.
A really awesome garden takes YEARS to cultivate. It doesn't happen in one season, two or even 4 or 5.
Tending those little plants carefully, will lead to an abundant harvest!
Weeding must be carefully done, much like a surgeon must be careful, we must too!
Put the weed whacker away! It doesn't get the right job done!
Get on your knees and pray about what weeds need to be carefully and gently removed from our children's hearts, and pray about how to remove them.
And then, nourish your children's lives with the abundance of grace that flows from a life turned over to Him.
I promise, they will grow! The weeds will try to come back, but you will know how to work with your child to help rid them.
And they will. Their little heart garden will bear the fruit from your labor of love. :)
Tender trust shoots bloom when they aren't whacked! They develop deep roots! And when the winds of struggle try to blow them away, uproot them or destroy them, they thrive.
In the process of growing the garden of your child's heart there will be thorns, but don't forget to smell the roses! :)
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
What Is A Mom?
"My
mom", "My other mom", "My third mom", "My first foster mom" "My last
foster mom"......"My Russian Mom", "You are my favorite mom".....
LOL.... yes, these are normal in our house.
(I looked up images on google for a mom picture and this was the first one that showed up)So it is official... I look like a mom! LOL
Sometimes candy will remind her of a particular foster mom, and eating cereal off of the floor will remind her of another one.
The truth is, they have all had other moms! I am 6th in a line of moms for Anna. 5th or 6th in a line of moms for Alli, if I were to include her respite care providers.
So what IS a mom, and how do our kids establish who we are in their lives?
Of course everybody has a birth mom. That is the person who cared enough to give you life. Maybe they couldn't care for you, or didn't want to. Maybe they were too afraid, or were told things that caused them to not keep you. Or maybe they couldn't care for you due to substance abuse.
These are the realities of the birth mom.
Foster moms come into the lives of our children when they are placed into state care. Some are committed to loving a child that will not be staying with them forever. Others not so much. There are many reasons people foster kids, and I would like to believe that they are all good, but reality is, they aren't. I am so thankful for the committed foster parents out there who truly want what is best for the children in their care.
And finally, there is the adoptive mom. She is the one who is the last stop. She is the final mom; or not. Sometimes there is more than one adoptive mom before our children are finally settled. This has happened twice in our home with our girls. One has had two adoptive moms, and the other has had three!
The final adoptive mom is the one who is safe enough for our children to take their hurts to, after all that rejection. She sees the good, the bad and the ugly... but she also gets to see the success, the love and the growth.
She gets to see the end result as she commits her life, laying it down for another! And it is great reward! She is the one who gets to help her child sort through the tangled mess that trauma can bring, and delights when she sees a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
There is only room for love. It is not our place to worry about what God has not given us. He has given us our children. They are to be our focus.
In reading 1st John 4:18-21, he says,
"
Moms, this is how we need to walk. In love, not fear. Perfect Love casts out fear. :) Isn't that awesome! When our perspective is in line with Christ; we do not fear. We do not fear for our child's future. We do not fear for tomorrow.
Christ is there to walk with us all along the way! The circumstances may not change; life is not perfect, and as long as we are in this imperfect world, there will be trials.
But how we view those trials can cause us to live out our lives in peace and love, or chaos and anger.
How about you?
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Insight
I have been praying about a problem that I have faced over the last week. It actually didn't show up this past week, it just came to a head in my heart. It has nothing to do with my children, or their trauma. It has everything to do with the adoption community and hostilities that exist between those who judge others intentions, and even question the integrity and honesty of their blogging.
It had been on the back burner simmering for a long, long time.
Last night, I took some advice from "The Connected Child" book regarding getting rid of our own baggage.
I decided to write a blog post about how I felt.... I worked on it for a few days and then I deleted it.
I gave it to the Lord, where it belonged in the first place! He is my defender. He KNOWS. And that is enough! Wow was that ever freeing!
In my prayer, I realized I was letting people's opinions, whom I have never even met, have power in my life! That is just wrong! What a strange world we live in, where we know people from all over the world! But do we really know them? No! We don't.
My sin. My wrong.
Realizing that there is still a bit of "fear" in my life was eye opening. I need to rearrange some priorities. My eyes were being distracted from my Lord, and paying attention to circumstances around me; circumstances that I cannot control.
I want to be surrounded by those who really "get" the Christian walk. They "get" the sacrifice that God wants from us; a life surrendered completely to His will. This is my desire and it effects all areas of my life. Christianity cannot and must not be "compartmentalized". It can't be. If Christ is in us, we are His! Our ways must be His. And I am so thankful for those who are wonderful examples of walking with Christ in the midst of difficult circumstances.
God does not take our trials away. He walks us through them! And the perspective on that trial changes greatly when we know the truth; that God is in control. Period.
Romans 12: 1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[d
His Perfect Will.... Oh how I love basking in Him, In his love. I thank him for pointing, ever so gently that I was needing to get my eyes on Him. "Don't look to the left or the right. You follow Me!"
It had been on the back burner simmering for a long, long time.
Last night, I took some advice from "The Connected Child" book regarding getting rid of our own baggage.
I decided to write a blog post about how I felt.... I worked on it for a few days and then I deleted it.
I gave it to the Lord, where it belonged in the first place! He is my defender. He KNOWS. And that is enough! Wow was that ever freeing!
In my prayer, I realized I was letting people's opinions, whom I have never even met, have power in my life! That is just wrong! What a strange world we live in, where we know people from all over the world! But do we really know them? No! We don't.
My sin. My wrong.
Realizing that there is still a bit of "fear" in my life was eye opening. I need to rearrange some priorities. My eyes were being distracted from my Lord, and paying attention to circumstances around me; circumstances that I cannot control.
I want to be surrounded by those who really "get" the Christian walk. They "get" the sacrifice that God wants from us; a life surrendered completely to His will. This is my desire and it effects all areas of my life. Christianity cannot and must not be "compartmentalized". It can't be. If Christ is in us, we are His! Our ways must be His. And I am so thankful for those who are wonderful examples of walking with Christ in the midst of difficult circumstances.
God does not take our trials away. He walks us through them! And the perspective on that trial changes greatly when we know the truth; that God is in control. Period.
Romans 12: 1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[d
His Perfect Will.... Oh how I love basking in Him, In his love. I thank him for pointing, ever so gently that I was needing to get my eyes on Him. "Don't look to the left or the right. You follow Me!"
Monday, April 8, 2013
The Footprint
When your babies are born, they take their footprints in the hospital for a cute little keepsake of their birth.
I don't have any footprints of my four girls....
That is until today!
We were studying fingerprints in science, and Miss Alli decided her footprint was also necessary!
I will cherish it always, just like those little tiny footprints of the boys.... because it is hers. :)
And I love her.
"Oh There You Are Peter!"
I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "Hook"....but in it, Peter Pan grows up and gets older. One of the lost boys doesn't recognize him until he examines him closely and then says, "Oh there you are Peter!" (under all those wrinkles)
I have been raising kids for 34 plus years. I looked quite different to my boys than I look to my girls.
This morning after our devotional, they got curious.... "What did you look like 20-30 years ago?"
And then I was subjected to this!
They were trying to smoothe out my wrinkles to see what I might have looked like to the guys. LOL
And this is what it looked like to me!
I just tell them that inside, I am the same! :)
And.... I have EARNED every wrinkle and gray hair!
I have been raising kids for 34 plus years. I looked quite different to my boys than I look to my girls.
This morning after our devotional, they got curious.... "What did you look like 20-30 years ago?"
And then I was subjected to this!
They were trying to smoothe out my wrinkles to see what I might have looked like to the guys. LOL
And this is what it looked like to me!
I just tell them that inside, I am the same! :)
And.... I have EARNED every wrinkle and gray hair!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
SUFFERING
Tonight, we were studying in First Peter.
"There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
I was thinking about Trials..... The New Testament speaks about trials all throughout the various books. James says
I think about Alex Krutov who suffered greatly in his early life; most of his life, as he is only 33. :)
He said, "My mother dumped me in a garbage can when I was two days old." "I was rescued from that garbage can by somebody."
I can ask God, "Why did you let me get dumped in that garbage can....OR I can thank Him for sending somebody to get me out of the garbage can."
He chose the latter.
I pray that we can see suffering in this life as a momentary affliction that brings about gold in our lives and causes us to run to Christ.... the author and finisher of our faith.
"There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
I was thinking about Trials..... The New Testament speaks about trials all throughout the various books. James says
2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
It is a tricky subject talking about trials with our kids. Many of them have been through some pretty Extreme trials!
What do we DO with Arthrogryposis, feet being amputated, restrictive band syndrome, child abuse, abandonment, foster care, orphanages, dying rooms and Much More???
How do we reconcile that we serve a Loving God, who Also Allows for such things?
We know God is capable of intervention, yet sometimes he allows trauma!
I don't want to write a "trite" answer to this.
But what I Do know, is that the Lord is close to those who suffer.
I remember when Erika first began to speak English, she remembered a lot about the laying room she was in. I wrote things down, because I knew she wouldn't always remember.
She told me that she was visited by the Lord. He comforted her. I believe her account completely!
I don't pretend to understand suffering, though I have suffered in this life too. I think most have.
But I do know that God has a purpose in suffering, and it is for our good. That makes some mad, and makes them run from God. But it should make us run to God.
In light of eternity... this life is a momentary, fleeting time. It is but a "breath". I wrote this post called "My Window" last year.<----linked
All I know is that there is great joy in serving Christ. Life makes sense in Christ. Trauma makes sense in Christ. Suffering makes sense in Christ, because knowing Christ has eternal benefit.
It is a tricky subject talking about trials with our kids. Many of them have been through some pretty Extreme trials!
What do we DO with Arthrogryposis, feet being amputated, restrictive band syndrome, child abuse, abandonment, foster care, orphanages, dying rooms and Much More???
How do we reconcile that we serve a Loving God, who Also Allows for such things?
We know God is capable of intervention, yet sometimes he allows trauma!
I don't want to write a "trite" answer to this.
But what I Do know, is that the Lord is close to those who suffer.
I remember when Erika first began to speak English, she remembered a lot about the laying room she was in. I wrote things down, because I knew she wouldn't always remember.
She told me that she was visited by the Lord. He comforted her. I believe her account completely!
I don't pretend to understand suffering, though I have suffered in this life too. I think most have.
But I do know that God has a purpose in suffering, and it is for our good. That makes some mad, and makes them run from God. But it should make us run to God.
In light of eternity... this life is a momentary, fleeting time. It is but a "breath". I wrote this post called "My Window" last year.<----linked
All I know is that there is great joy in serving Christ. Life makes sense in Christ. Trauma makes sense in Christ. Suffering makes sense in Christ, because knowing Christ has eternal benefit.
I think about Alex Krutov who suffered greatly in his early life; most of his life, as he is only 33. :)
He said, "My mother dumped me in a garbage can when I was two days old." "I was rescued from that garbage can by somebody."
I can ask God, "Why did you let me get dumped in that garbage can....OR I can thank Him for sending somebody to get me out of the garbage can."
He chose the latter.
I pray that we can see suffering in this life as a momentary affliction that brings about gold in our lives and causes us to run to Christ.... the author and finisher of our faith.
Heather's Daily Reflections
If you have not signed up for these, you really should! They are sent to you free in your email each morning for a thoughtful thing to wake up to. I have always found them to be so refreshing!
I am going to post the last few to give you an idea of what they are like.....
I am going to post the last few to give you an idea of what they are like.....
|
Life is a series of appointments, not accidents. Each interaction we have with our spouse or child is an appointment set in advance by God. How are you going to conduct these Divine meetings today? Heather Forbes There is no room for fear in relationships. To apply this concept to parenting, compare these two approaches: (1) 'Suzy, I'm taking these toys out of your room until you get your homework done. Not until then will you get them back.' OR (2) 'Suzy, I think you're having a hard time keeping focused with all these toys in your room. Why don't you come sit with me while I'm paying my bills--they're kinda like my homework--and that way, we can help each other stay focused?' The first example places all the blame on the child. The parent uses "things" to create motivation within her child. The parent is threatening and controlling. This fear gets transferred to the child and makes the relationship between parent and child based in fear, not love. The second example accepts the child in her development and understands that she has not learned to remain focused (this is still a problem for many 'grown' ups). This second example is a response to give assistance, not a reaction to make the child do her task. Nothing was taken away, only given (love and understanding). This response also recognizes that motivation comes from an internal state of calm, not from external fear-based rewards. Heather Forbes Fear inside us is revealed in what we do and in the way we do it. Heather Forbes When looking closer to what it means to be responsible for our children, we need to examine the word 'responsible.' The root word of responsible is response. One of Webster's definitions for response is, 'a verse, sentence, phrase, or word said or sung by the choir or congregation in reply to the officiant in a religious service.' Today, ask yourself if you are singing hymns in response to your child's behaviors or are you reacting as a protestor from the picket line? Heather Forbes You can sign up for these at www.beyondconsequences.com and when they run out.... sign up again! I believe there are 100 of them. :) |
Friday, April 5, 2013
Healing From Old Baggage
All of us come into life, naked and crying for comfort. Some receive that comfort, some don't. From the moment of conception, our lives are full of experiences both negative and positive.
I have written extensively on this blog about attachment, bonding, the neglect of orphans and their physical and emotional needs.
A couple of years ago I wrote this post <--- (linked) about "Any Unpacked Bags"....
Today, I'd like to cover more detail on this, and why it is of PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE to deal with our OWN healing in order to help our children. I also want to offer hope for those who did not have a "stellar" or "nurturing" childhood, but felt the sting of dysfunction, due to neglect, abuse, divorce, alcoholism, death, or any other trauma that can wreak havoc on an individual. There is hope for healing and having happy, secure attachments with your children and other healthy relationships!
The Tender Heart's Support group has been studying Karyn Purvis's Book, "The Connected Child". We finished chapter 12 last night in Support Group. It was the last chapter.
She mentioned in the chapter that many times parents who bring children in for therapy, are needy themselves. An AAI test is given to analyze where the parent is coming from.
Here is an excerpt from her book that you might find very helpful! :)
When answering questions about your own parents you tend to:
( If your attachment style is secure)
Answer honestly and truthfully.
express appreciation and value for close relationships and bonds
be comfortable discussing interpersonal connections
give specific, clear examples that illustrate your observations about the past
have a balanced perspective on the good and the bad, talking about the failures of your parents as well as the good things, without dwelling on either
express thoughts using speech that is coherent, with the past distinguished from the present.
have coherent recollections of your childhood, with a clear time line
display a sense of humor and forgiveness for the past.
(If your attachment style is insecure)
give short, vague, or dismissive answers, or give excessively long and rambling responses, you can't seem to stop
make broad generalities about the past but can't give specific, clear examples that illustrate the points,
give misleading or incomplete responses
use black or white terms idealizing your parents or denigrating them
minimize or block out negative experiences
actively hang on to grudges, anger, and resentments
have confusing or contradictory details in your stories about them
have incoherent thoughts or speech
confuse the past with the present.
Securely attached adults are better negogiators in close relationships. Only a secure mother can say, "Tell me what hurts, sweetheart," and listen attentively and respectfully to the answer.
When an adult is avoiding her own history, entangled in her past or disorganized about her losses, she can't accurately assess and respond to a harmed child's reality. Only a secure mother can find the heart of the highest risk child.
...........
If you did not have safe, nurturing or warm relations with your family as a child, odds are, your own style is insecure, HOWEVER, be reasurred that you can still achieve a secure attachment style IF you are willing to face up to your own difficult past.
To do this, you will need to visit the past with ferocious HONESTY and be willing to explore and examine it head on. You can come clean about the past in a variety of ways including:
Keeping a journal about your feelings and history
drawing pictures about your feelings and history
talking to a counselor, therapist or clergy member
writing a story about it
taking walks and talking to a friend about it
writing a letter to the person, then tearing it up and burning it.
Accept what happened to you in the past was not ideal, yet at the same time recognize the individuals who hurt you probably did the best they could with the tools they had. Accept the people who hurt you were laboring under thier own demons.
Be willing to come to terms with the past and release it, have a sense of humor about it, and then go forward FREELY in the present."
excerpt taken from Karyn Purvis' Book The Connected Child chapter 12
.....................................................................
Nobody has had a perfect childhood, some less perfect than others and some downright awful.
But Karyn is right. If we don't deal with our own issues, it will be VERY HARD to deal with our children's. Those buttons we say are pushed....... yep... unresolved issues in ourselves.
If you find yourself over reacting in a negative way,
One of the exercises we did last night was using 5 adjectives to describe the relationship with our parents before the age of 12.
Then, write an explanation relating to each adjective.
The final question was: "What happened when you were upset?"
(what was your mother's or father's reaction when you were upset)
Those answers can be very telling in how we respond when our own children are upset.
This is not a chapter about blaming parents or it's all your mother's fault type malarky. But it is REAL that the toes of the past step on the heels of the present.
If you can CLEARLY analyze your experiences, it is very helpful in understanding yourself and why you may react to your children.
Our children NEED us to be at our best, prepared to help THEM deal with THEIR trauma!
Attaching and bonding is so important. Don't let your past hold them back by getting in the way of their healing and future!
I will be taking a group through this book again starting pretty soon. (hopefully next week)
I really do suggest reading chapter 12, and then going through the entire book with chapter 12 in mind..... and then really going through chapter 12. :)
Our regular support group will be starting Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Volume 2.
I have written extensively on this blog about attachment, bonding, the neglect of orphans and their physical and emotional needs.
A couple of years ago I wrote this post <--- (linked) about "Any Unpacked Bags"....
Today, I'd like to cover more detail on this, and why it is of PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE to deal with our OWN healing in order to help our children. I also want to offer hope for those who did not have a "stellar" or "nurturing" childhood, but felt the sting of dysfunction, due to neglect, abuse, divorce, alcoholism, death, or any other trauma that can wreak havoc on an individual. There is hope for healing and having happy, secure attachments with your children and other healthy relationships!
The Tender Heart's Support group has been studying Karyn Purvis's Book, "The Connected Child". We finished chapter 12 last night in Support Group. It was the last chapter.
She mentioned in the chapter that many times parents who bring children in for therapy, are needy themselves. An AAI test is given to analyze where the parent is coming from.
Here is an excerpt from her book that you might find very helpful! :)
When answering questions about your own parents you tend to:
( If your attachment style is secure)
Answer honestly and truthfully.
express appreciation and value for close relationships and bonds
be comfortable discussing interpersonal connections
give specific, clear examples that illustrate your observations about the past
have a balanced perspective on the good and the bad, talking about the failures of your parents as well as the good things, without dwelling on either
express thoughts using speech that is coherent, with the past distinguished from the present.
have coherent recollections of your childhood, with a clear time line
display a sense of humor and forgiveness for the past.
(If your attachment style is insecure)
give short, vague, or dismissive answers, or give excessively long and rambling responses, you can't seem to stop
make broad generalities about the past but can't give specific, clear examples that illustrate the points,
give misleading or incomplete responses
use black or white terms idealizing your parents or denigrating them
minimize or block out negative experiences
actively hang on to grudges, anger, and resentments
have confusing or contradictory details in your stories about them
have incoherent thoughts or speech
confuse the past with the present.
Securely attached adults are better negogiators in close relationships. Only a secure mother can say, "Tell me what hurts, sweetheart," and listen attentively and respectfully to the answer.
When an adult is avoiding her own history, entangled in her past or disorganized about her losses, she can't accurately assess and respond to a harmed child's reality. Only a secure mother can find the heart of the highest risk child.
...........
If you did not have safe, nurturing or warm relations with your family as a child, odds are, your own style is insecure, HOWEVER, be reasurred that you can still achieve a secure attachment style IF you are willing to face up to your own difficult past.
To do this, you will need to visit the past with ferocious HONESTY and be willing to explore and examine it head on. You can come clean about the past in a variety of ways including:
Keeping a journal about your feelings and history
drawing pictures about your feelings and history
talking to a counselor, therapist or clergy member
writing a story about it
taking walks and talking to a friend about it
writing a letter to the person, then tearing it up and burning it.
Accept what happened to you in the past was not ideal, yet at the same time recognize the individuals who hurt you probably did the best they could with the tools they had. Accept the people who hurt you were laboring under thier own demons.
Be willing to come to terms with the past and release it, have a sense of humor about it, and then go forward FREELY in the present."
excerpt taken from Karyn Purvis' Book The Connected Child chapter 12
.....................................................................
Nobody has had a perfect childhood, some less perfect than others and some downright awful.
But Karyn is right. If we don't deal with our own issues, it will be VERY HARD to deal with our children's. Those buttons we say are pushed....... yep... unresolved issues in ourselves.
If you find yourself over reacting in a negative way,
One of the exercises we did last night was using 5 adjectives to describe the relationship with our parents before the age of 12.
Then, write an explanation relating to each adjective.
The final question was: "What happened when you were upset?"
(what was your mother's or father's reaction when you were upset)
Those answers can be very telling in how we respond when our own children are upset.
This is not a chapter about blaming parents or it's all your mother's fault type malarky. But it is REAL that the toes of the past step on the heels of the present.
If you can CLEARLY analyze your experiences, it is very helpful in understanding yourself and why you may react to your children.
Our children NEED us to be at our best, prepared to help THEM deal with THEIR trauma!
Attaching and bonding is so important. Don't let your past hold them back by getting in the way of their healing and future!
I will be taking a group through this book again starting pretty soon. (hopefully next week)
I really do suggest reading chapter 12, and then going through the entire book with chapter 12 in mind..... and then really going through chapter 12. :)
Our regular support group will be starting Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Volume 2.
Join The 2013 Ultimate Blog Party
My introduction: I write about all sorts of things. Adoption, trauma, normal family stuff, funnies, and personal thoughts about Christianity. We are a BCLC family, and I invite you to have a cup of coffee, sit back and explore. :)
I have posted quite a bit over the last several years.
I joined the Special Needs Category,<---( linked ) though I think I fit into a few. :)
Adoption Is NOT A Contest!
I was getting ready to write this and Erika came up and said, "Mama, do you just think of posts to write and write them?"
I told her, "When I have something on my heart, I write it."
She replied, "You should really just do your book because I really DO want to go to Disney World!" LOL
But, I DO have something on my mind.
Over the last week, there have been two very public families that have announced that they are either planning to adopt, or that they have already adopted and are thrilled with their child. One family plans to adopt internationally, the other adopted through the foster care system and has been advocating for the adoption of Children through the foster care system.
The negativity within the adoption community has been rather unreal! Who's side are we on? Do we want children to find forever families?
Why do we call into question these families?
Here is a quote from Nia Vardala's blog:
" Nine months later through their various connections, we were "matched" with our daughter. Working with a private lawyer, our adoption was finalized within a year.
And yes, she is perfect. She is a toddler, under the age of five, and to say she's adapted well would be a huge understatement. The experience of transitioning this child was astonishing and well, just too personal to go into now. We kept it quiet for almost a year to protect her privacy and give her time to adjust.
Last November as the holidays approached, my husband and I thought about the 129,000 kids waiting for a family and decided to announce our daughter's adoption to raise awareness of National Adoption Month.
This is why I'm writing about this now. Maybe there are other people out there who want to adopt a child through FosAdopt."
It sounds to me like they understood this child's needs and kept her protected for a YEAR!
She has also written a book <---Link about their experience in order to help others navigate through the foster care system. I have not read it... but I want to!
It seems that the negativity may be coming from those who are struggling with difficulties, and their view of a successful adoption, is that the people are clueless or don't know that their child really MUST BE emotionally disturbed.....
Umm. Where is the joy for a child finding a home? Where is the joy that THIS child is doing WELL?
Where is the joy that a very well known person is advocating for children to find MUCH NEEDED FAMILIES???
I have a friend who has adopted from Foster Care and their little girl has been a sweet blessing from DAY ONE! They are excellent parents, educated themselves, and their daughter is flourishing!
I know of other families where it hasn't gone so well. :( But that isn't the point.
Why are we assuming that because something is going well, it can't be real?
All four of our girls are flourishing at home. I don't think it is luck. And I seriously doubt it is "luck" with this other family. Maybe they adopted an easy child? Maybe they educated themselves and this child is flourishing BECAUSE of that!
Why do we judge and make assumptions about somebody we don't even know???
And the quote that really got me, and the reason I wrote this post in the first place was the headline... "Adoptive Parents wish NV would shut her big fat Greek mouth!" How rude can that be?
That is very bothersome.
I don't want her to shut her mouth. I want her to shout her experience from the house tops!
For the other public family, I think if they are open enough to adopt, they will most likely be open enough to educate themselves too, and then make a decision. Public families can grow and learn, just like us.
I pray that their adoption brings about growth within them and within the child that God has chosen for them. :)
For all of us in the adoption community, let's be kind, and SUPPORT each other! Let's give these families credit for stepping outside of their comfort zone to follow a calling to be parents!
If somebody is doing WELL, BE HAPPY FOR THEM! If they aren't, offer support and prayers.
FOR ALL OF US..... A little HUMOR goes a LONG WAY and let's not take ourselves so seriously that we think we are the only ones who know anything.
Jealousy and Strife have no place in adoption.
I told her, "When I have something on my heart, I write it."
She replied, "You should really just do your book because I really DO want to go to Disney World!" LOL
But, I DO have something on my mind.
Over the last week, there have been two very public families that have announced that they are either planning to adopt, or that they have already adopted and are thrilled with their child. One family plans to adopt internationally, the other adopted through the foster care system and has been advocating for the adoption of Children through the foster care system.
The negativity within the adoption community has been rather unreal! Who's side are we on? Do we want children to find forever families?
Why do we call into question these families?
Here is a quote from Nia Vardala's blog:
" Nine months later through their various connections, we were "matched" with our daughter. Working with a private lawyer, our adoption was finalized within a year.
And yes, she is perfect. She is a toddler, under the age of five, and to say she's adapted well would be a huge understatement. The experience of transitioning this child was astonishing and well, just too personal to go into now. We kept it quiet for almost a year to protect her privacy and give her time to adjust.
Last November as the holidays approached, my husband and I thought about the 129,000 kids waiting for a family and decided to announce our daughter's adoption to raise awareness of National Adoption Month.
This is why I'm writing about this now. Maybe there are other people out there who want to adopt a child through FosAdopt."
It sounds to me like they understood this child's needs and kept her protected for a YEAR!
She has also written a book <---Link about their experience in order to help others navigate through the foster care system. I have not read it... but I want to!
It seems that the negativity may be coming from those who are struggling with difficulties, and their view of a successful adoption, is that the people are clueless or don't know that their child really MUST BE emotionally disturbed.....
Umm. Where is the joy for a child finding a home? Where is the joy that THIS child is doing WELL?
Where is the joy that a very well known person is advocating for children to find MUCH NEEDED FAMILIES???
I have a friend who has adopted from Foster Care and their little girl has been a sweet blessing from DAY ONE! They are excellent parents, educated themselves, and their daughter is flourishing!
I know of other families where it hasn't gone so well. :( But that isn't the point.
Why are we assuming that because something is going well, it can't be real?
All four of our girls are flourishing at home. I don't think it is luck. And I seriously doubt it is "luck" with this other family. Maybe they adopted an easy child? Maybe they educated themselves and this child is flourishing BECAUSE of that!
Why do we judge and make assumptions about somebody we don't even know???
And the quote that really got me, and the reason I wrote this post in the first place was the headline... "Adoptive Parents wish NV would shut her big fat Greek mouth!" How rude can that be?
That is very bothersome.
I don't want her to shut her mouth. I want her to shout her experience from the house tops!
For the other public family, I think if they are open enough to adopt, they will most likely be open enough to educate themselves too, and then make a decision. Public families can grow and learn, just like us.
I pray that their adoption brings about growth within them and within the child that God has chosen for them. :)
For all of us in the adoption community, let's be kind, and SUPPORT each other! Let's give these families credit for stepping outside of their comfort zone to follow a calling to be parents!
If somebody is doing WELL, BE HAPPY FOR THEM! If they aren't, offer support and prayers.
FOR ALL OF US..... A little HUMOR goes a LONG WAY and let's not take ourselves so seriously that we think we are the only ones who know anything.
Jealousy and Strife have no place in adoption.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Encouraging Teen Girls....
Oh my these girls are growing up! It doesn't seem like long ago they were so little, playing with dolls and making mud pies.
Next year, 3 of them will be in 9th grade! Where has the time gone?
I really do love this age. You can talk about so many things at such a deep level. Sometimes they WANT to talk, and sometimes they don't. :) Sometimes they prefer to write things down and have you write a reply back. Whatever it takes, I want to make sure they know that they can tell me anything, anytime, always and forever!
Today, after our morning devotions, I asked the girls to write down 5 things that are GOOD about themselves. "Reflect for a few minutes and just jot down those 5 things." At first a couple of them were rather uncomfortable. And then every body succeeded to write 5 things down. All were thoughtful. :)
Tomorrow, I will have them write 5 things that are good about a sister. Sometimes when you write your thoughts down and think about them, the good in somebody else is much easier to see. We will do this for a few more days until we cover all the sisters, and then we are going to share the lists.
I want them to be confident young ladies. I want them to see the best in each other. I want them to have confidence to stand against bullies. )
I have so much to share with them. :)
Loving this mama thing. :)
Next year, 3 of them will be in 9th grade! Where has the time gone?
I really do love this age. You can talk about so many things at such a deep level. Sometimes they WANT to talk, and sometimes they don't. :) Sometimes they prefer to write things down and have you write a reply back. Whatever it takes, I want to make sure they know that they can tell me anything, anytime, always and forever!
Today, after our morning devotions, I asked the girls to write down 5 things that are GOOD about themselves. "Reflect for a few minutes and just jot down those 5 things." At first a couple of them were rather uncomfortable. And then every body succeeded to write 5 things down. All were thoughtful. :)
Tomorrow, I will have them write 5 things that are good about a sister. Sometimes when you write your thoughts down and think about them, the good in somebody else is much easier to see. We will do this for a few more days until we cover all the sisters, and then we are going to share the lists.
I want them to be confident young ladies. I want them to see the best in each other. I want them to have confidence to stand against bullies. )
I have so much to share with them. :)
Loving this mama thing. :)
So What IS Adoption
I have written several posts on adoption over the years including Thoughts About Adoption and The Importance of Adoption and Special Needs.
Today I'd like to share some more thoughts regarding adoption. Is it possible to have any more? Yes. :)
I have read several articles lately about adopting children from terrible places. Many of those children have been literally RESCUED from a life of despair and misery. 2 of our own daughters were in these awful places, and are now home with us.
There is a sentiment that I think needs to be clarified. Some find it offensive for somebody to "rescue" a child. They will say this is no reason to adopt.
Others will say that you are only adding to your family in a different way and if you are adopting for any other reason, you shouldn't.
These are sticky subjects, but I'd like to share my own feelings on the subject.
While I agree that if you are only doing something out of a guilt driven obligation, then please re evaluate what you are doing.
On the other side of that "rescue operation" is an entire life of commitment, and it goes beyond 18 years of age!
In fact, if your commitment to ANY child, biological or adopted is 18 years, please reconsider whether you should adopt OR give birth!
So what exactly IS adoption?
Adoption is to take another child who is NOT born from your body, into your family and GIVE THEM YOUR NAME, YOUR INHERITANCE, YOUR LOVE and YOUR LIFE.....JUST as if they had been BORN TO YOU on that very day!
On the birth certificate, YOUR name is there! It is as if you gave birth to that child! Period.
Your child is GRAFTED INTO your family as a part of a living, VINE. They will bear fruit and thrive in the family. They ARE EQUAL in value just as a child from your body. There IS NO DIFFERENCE and SHOULD BE NO DIFFERENCE!
If you cannot see an adopted child in that light, then please reconsider why you want to adopt.
As far as being "rescued". I can honestly say that YES, our children, especially those who adopt children from some of the most despairing places are PLUCKED out and RESCUED! Had they not been adopted, they would be in mental institutions, tied to beds, drugged, and starved and even worse, NEVER LOVED. :( THAT IS REALITY.
So when you see pictures of my sweet girls, or others who blog about their children.... THEY WERE RESCUED. But that was NOT our focus, nor IS it.
We have never felt our girls owed us anything for bringing them home. Just because a child is brought out of dire circumstances does not give them any obligation towards the family that brings them in. They are hurt and traumatized.
WE as PARENTS have EVERY obligation given to us to MAKE our ADOPTIONS WORK and to KEEP OUR COMMITMENTS that we have made to LOVE and CHERISH our children. In TIME, our children respond to our LOVE and their LOVE for us is truly cherished.
For the couple who is only wanting to add to the family in a different way than childbirth....
KNOW what you are doing! There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, and adopting children if you want a family. But there are no blank slate children, and adoption is the other side of the coin of great loss. Understand that the children you bring home have had a LIFE before you! They will not appreciate you disrupting the life they know, and it IS a trauma for them! Understand that they are not there to fulfill YOUR dream of being a parent. They didn't ask to be an orphan and they didn't ask for YOU to adopt them! DEVOTE yourselves to them and LOVE them unconditionally no matter what. If you cannot accept the possibility of a child having mental health issues , physical issues, learning disabilities, or behavior problems..... please reconsider why you want to adopt. Many parents have biological children with all of the issues mentioned above and they successfully raise their families.
So many potential parents MISS OUT on the BLESSING because of the fear of a special needs child. They walk away or decline a referral because that referral does not match their dream of a family. NO CHILD can meet the unrealistic dream that some have, nor SHOULD they be obligated to. I have often looked in the mirror and asked myself, "Why would my child want ME to be their mother?" "Does my reflection give a child acceptance? Is my demeanor loving?" (I am not talking about beauty) Frown in the mirror, smile in the mirror, show a loving face in the mirror and an angry face in the mirror. Our children sense and see what is in our hearts.
God does not give us children to make our lives smooth. He does not give us children to make us look good. Many of us are surprised by the struggle parenthood brings, but parenthood is God's design. HE designed for us to relate through family. And HE is the perfect example of what we as parents should be; ever patient, ever kind, long suffering, full of mercy and grace, justice and holiness. And we CANNOT do that on our own. We need the Lord and the Holy Spirit to indwell us each and every moment of every day.
God has given us a love to share. He has given us a love for our children before they were our children. Our love for the beautiful picture of adoption is rooted in the fact that GOD adopted and RESCUED US! We were the poor and naked and distraught and cast out, and we didn't even know it. Yet, he dragged us out of our fog into His marvelous light.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Photo Listing
I just added a widget that is not quite working yet. :) I have to be authorized first. (I am glad they are being careful) But when it works, it will show listings of Children within the U.S. Foster Care System that are available for adoption!
There are MANY children here, that need homes. You can click on the photos and read about the children. I want to add that in the U.S., there is a LOT of information about emotional needs, educational needs etc. I read those and take note, but also know that things can wind up in a child's report based upon opinion.
In foreign countries, they don't really write any of this stuff into a record. So, everybody is surprised when a child comes home with emotional needs that were beyond what they were prepared for.
ALL CHILDREN who enter foster care, or an orphanage are there due to abuse, neglect or both. ALL of them will have emotional scars and needs that go beyond the typical experience of a child born into a family that is loved and nurtured from day one.
But that DOES NOT MEAN that a child cannot heal, succeed, or FLOURISH! We have 4 daughters from 4 VERY DIFFERENT backgrounds, all with their own stories and histories.
For those of you who were just entering the process for Russia, which is now closed down, please consider a child that is already here, already speaks English and is also waiting for a home with Parents like you!
Let me also mention the benefits of adopting older children AND especially SIBLING GROUPS.
Older children are wonderful. Yes, they have had a life before you... but one of the benefits is that they are old enough to TALK about it, or tell you about it! If you are older, like us, an older child would fit in perfectly. :)
Older Children WANT a mother and a father just like babies do. They long to be cherished like any other person would.
They deserve a permanent, loving, home too!
If you know of a waiting child in foster care, you can click HERE to add them to the list.
There is a lot of unnecessary FEAR that drives people away from the foster care system in America.
There is no question that changes need to be made to make things easier and less confusing, and to clear up who is available for adoption and who isn't.
Until a child has been CLEARED.... YOU CANNOT count on that child being your child.
All court documents must be correct, and nothing left undone.
Our three girls, adopted here in the United States (one foster care, two private through disruption)
had to go through a VERY thorough paperwork process and it takes TIME. Anna was with us 10 months before her adoption was finalized, Sarah 6 and Alli just 3. It depends upon the State in which you adopt and how backed up the system is.
Also, there are many groups for support within the Foster Care System. We still get invited to groups in Oklahoma where Anna is from. :) Take classes and USE the tools given to educate yourself on the joys and challenges of adoption.
So, as soon as this widget is approved, please consider each child and pray for them and for their future parent, who could very well be YOU! :)
There are MANY children here, that need homes. You can click on the photos and read about the children. I want to add that in the U.S., there is a LOT of information about emotional needs, educational needs etc. I read those and take note, but also know that things can wind up in a child's report based upon opinion.
In foreign countries, they don't really write any of this stuff into a record. So, everybody is surprised when a child comes home with emotional needs that were beyond what they were prepared for.
ALL CHILDREN who enter foster care, or an orphanage are there due to abuse, neglect or both. ALL of them will have emotional scars and needs that go beyond the typical experience of a child born into a family that is loved and nurtured from day one.
But that DOES NOT MEAN that a child cannot heal, succeed, or FLOURISH! We have 4 daughters from 4 VERY DIFFERENT backgrounds, all with their own stories and histories.
For those of you who were just entering the process for Russia, which is now closed down, please consider a child that is already here, already speaks English and is also waiting for a home with Parents like you!
Let me also mention the benefits of adopting older children AND especially SIBLING GROUPS.
Older children are wonderful. Yes, they have had a life before you... but one of the benefits is that they are old enough to TALK about it, or tell you about it! If you are older, like us, an older child would fit in perfectly. :)
Older Children WANT a mother and a father just like babies do. They long to be cherished like any other person would.
They deserve a permanent, loving, home too!
If you know of a waiting child in foster care, you can click HERE to add them to the list.
There is a lot of unnecessary FEAR that drives people away from the foster care system in America.
There is no question that changes need to be made to make things easier and less confusing, and to clear up who is available for adoption and who isn't.
Until a child has been CLEARED.... YOU CANNOT count on that child being your child.
All court documents must be correct, and nothing left undone.
Our three girls, adopted here in the United States (one foster care, two private through disruption)
had to go through a VERY thorough paperwork process and it takes TIME. Anna was with us 10 months before her adoption was finalized, Sarah 6 and Alli just 3. It depends upon the State in which you adopt and how backed up the system is.
Also, there are many groups for support within the Foster Care System. We still get invited to groups in Oklahoma where Anna is from. :) Take classes and USE the tools given to educate yourself on the joys and challenges of adoption.
So, as soon as this widget is approved, please consider each child and pray for them and for their future parent, who could very well be YOU! :)
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