That girl!! She is just amazing. Erika has a new "Photography Blog" called "Life in Pictures." She has some awesome pictures there. :)
I love her ability to explore the arts. :)
So here is "Life in Pictures".
The Minich Family Blog: Every Family Has A Story...Welcome To Ours
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
July Funnies
Tonight we were at our old house cleaning and there was a ruckus going on down the street. I think I heard the N word! Yikes!
On the way home Sarah said, "Mama, I think that may have been a gang!" I said Maybe....
Alli asked, "What is a gang?"
Sarah said, "It is when people beat other people up to get in the gang, and they hang out and spread confetti everywhere!"
Mama- "Sarah, do you mean graffitti?"
Sarah- "Oh yes, graffitti!"
Then Alli asked, "What is the N word?" I told her.
She said, "Is that a bad word? I thought that was a kind of candy!"
Alli, I think you mean "nougat". :)
LOL What a night.
On the way home Sarah said, "Mama, I think that may have been a gang!" I said Maybe....
Alli asked, "What is a gang?"
Sarah said, "It is when people beat other people up to get in the gang, and they hang out and spread confetti everywhere!"
Mama- "Sarah, do you mean graffitti?"
Sarah- "Oh yes, graffitti!"
Then Alli asked, "What is the N word?" I told her.
She said, "Is that a bad word? I thought that was a kind of candy!"
Alli, I think you mean "nougat". :)
LOL What a night.
Memories
It is interesting how things will suddenly come up from the past for no reason. Just being in the right frame of mind, at the right time, in the right circumstances can really be profitable! :)
I was talking with the girls today about some of what they remember from the orphanage days. Alli had brought up how scared she was at night because they had to watch very, VERY bad movies. The other girls chimed in about scary movies being shown before bedtime OR a worker coming in and pretending to be a monster and scaring the children so badly they would shake and cry.
Erika remembered the Hospital stays being a luxury, even though if she said she was having pain they told her to "shut up" :(
Erika also used to sleep close to Sarah and she remembered a worker coming in and saying to Sarah, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, I will cut it off!" Erika remembered feeling burning anger inside at the thought of Sarah having her thumb cut off, but she was silent, and she shed silent tears for her little friend in the bed next to her.
Erika also remembered being dragged from her bad and forced to sleep in the kitchen once for talking. Both girls remember being forced to sleep in the cold for talking. Sarah had many nightmares when she first came home about being cold.
The orphanages that the girls were in were vastly different. Alli's orphanage was a much nicer and better equipped orphanage than Erika and Sarah's orphanage. Sarah also remembers being transferred in a van to a new place (from the Sanitarium to the orphanage). She said she was around 4, and that there was an older girl being transferred too.
She remembered seeing a tall, tan building. There is a tall tan building in the middle of the orphanage at Vysoki. She also remembered a brick wall and a cellar.
The thing that struck me from their casual conversation, was that even if a child is in a "good orphanage".... that orphanage is NOT GOOD! While Alli had allowance, clothing, food, snacks and more, her experiences of terror at the hands of unscrupulous workers was no different that Erika's or Sarah's. :( Sadly, she said that she was always afraid of being kidnapped or killed at night, and she wished she had had something to protect her.
What an AWFUL thing to do to children. :(
There are many children who come over here and want to take a knife of scissors to bed to put under their pillow and their parents think they are homicidal, while in most cases, they are fearful and trying to protect themselves. :(
And for that worker to come in and pretend to be a monster and scare poor Sarah at 4 years old to the point of terrified crying, or dragging poor Erika, just makes me burn with anger.
I sat and watched my beautiful girls laugh and talk and remember things nobody should ever have to remember, yet there was a serenity and security in their conversation, that let me know, this was truly in the past for them. LIFE HAS CHANGED and they are loving it.
Alli finds it rather humorous that I won't allow a scary movie. She'll say, "But I've seen them, MUCH worse!" And I say, "Yes, I know! And that is why we WON'T watch them, EVER."
And she smiles with a look of knowing that she is loved. :)
I was talking with the girls today about some of what they remember from the orphanage days. Alli had brought up how scared she was at night because they had to watch very, VERY bad movies. The other girls chimed in about scary movies being shown before bedtime OR a worker coming in and pretending to be a monster and scaring the children so badly they would shake and cry.
Erika remembered the Hospital stays being a luxury, even though if she said she was having pain they told her to "shut up" :(
Erika also used to sleep close to Sarah and she remembered a worker coming in and saying to Sarah, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, I will cut it off!" Erika remembered feeling burning anger inside at the thought of Sarah having her thumb cut off, but she was silent, and she shed silent tears for her little friend in the bed next to her.
Erika also remembered being dragged from her bad and forced to sleep in the kitchen once for talking. Both girls remember being forced to sleep in the cold for talking. Sarah had many nightmares when she first came home about being cold.
The orphanages that the girls were in were vastly different. Alli's orphanage was a much nicer and better equipped orphanage than Erika and Sarah's orphanage. Sarah also remembers being transferred in a van to a new place (from the Sanitarium to the orphanage). She said she was around 4, and that there was an older girl being transferred too.
She remembered seeing a tall, tan building. There is a tall tan building in the middle of the orphanage at Vysoki. She also remembered a brick wall and a cellar.
The thing that struck me from their casual conversation, was that even if a child is in a "good orphanage".... that orphanage is NOT GOOD! While Alli had allowance, clothing, food, snacks and more, her experiences of terror at the hands of unscrupulous workers was no different that Erika's or Sarah's. :( Sadly, she said that she was always afraid of being kidnapped or killed at night, and she wished she had had something to protect her.
What an AWFUL thing to do to children. :(
There are many children who come over here and want to take a knife of scissors to bed to put under their pillow and their parents think they are homicidal, while in most cases, they are fearful and trying to protect themselves. :(
And for that worker to come in and pretend to be a monster and scare poor Sarah at 4 years old to the point of terrified crying, or dragging poor Erika, just makes me burn with anger.
I sat and watched my beautiful girls laugh and talk and remember things nobody should ever have to remember, yet there was a serenity and security in their conversation, that let me know, this was truly in the past for them. LIFE HAS CHANGED and they are loving it.
Alli finds it rather humorous that I won't allow a scary movie. She'll say, "But I've seen them, MUCH worse!" And I say, "Yes, I know! And that is why we WON'T watch them, EVER."
And she smiles with a look of knowing that she is loved. :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
My Brother
I went to see my brother today. He is off of the ventilator and awake. He is still in ICU and more tests are coming back soon. So glad that I could see him instead of going to his funeral. It was that close! The story of my brother's life is not over yet.
We serve a merciful Savior.
We serve a merciful Savior.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Things That Are Happening Now
There is a lot going on over here.
Sarah cannot wear her leg right now. She goes to the Dr. tomorrow. Poor baby is on crutches, and is having pain. Too much activity can lead to lower limb tissue damage. Hopefully it won't take too long to heal. This has happened before. :)
Alli is being a very caring sister for her. :)
Sarah was upset about not being able to wear her leg. :( Alli was trying to encourage her. Love my girls. :)
Sadly, my little brother is in the hospital about an hour away from here in ICU. He has pneumonia and another unknown issue at this time. I am hoping we will find out more information tomorrow.
Right now, he is on a ventilator and in an induced coma. His condition is critical, but stable.
Whatever that means. :( I am shocked by this news. It was even more shocking to find it out on FACEBOOK! Not quite used to that.
Once AGAIN, we are back on the paperwork trail for registering Alli with the embassy.
It has been an interesting on again, off again thing. The agency told me 2 weeks ago, to not send anything in. This week they say to send everything in. Good grief!
We are getting a lease house ready for new tenants. It is a HUGE job! We went back in today to work and the A/C stopped working. :/ More money, more time. The house has to be ready by Friday!
Erika still does not have her new legs. Not even sure what is going on there. :(
This is my last month to teach K-2 Sunday School. I will be joining Mike with the Jr. High class soon.. I like tag teaching but will miss the little ones. :)
I will be teaching VBS this month.
We are also going to be covering Chapter 4 and 5 this month of The Connected Child for our support group.
I am no closer to finishing our Taxes than I was on April 15. UGH
Anna is volunteering at the Lirbary 2 days a week for 2 hours each time. One the way, we stopped to look for much needed shoes. We found TWO PAIR that fit, and that she LIKED! Nothing short of a small miracle!
Life is rich and full and good and sad and I rest in the arms of my Heavenly Father that He knows all things and is in control of all things, even air conditioners, legs, brothers, support groups and taxes! Thank goodness!
Sarah cannot wear her leg right now. She goes to the Dr. tomorrow. Poor baby is on crutches, and is having pain. Too much activity can lead to lower limb tissue damage. Hopefully it won't take too long to heal. This has happened before. :)
Alli is being a very caring sister for her. :)
Sadly, my little brother is in the hospital about an hour away from here in ICU. He has pneumonia and another unknown issue at this time. I am hoping we will find out more information tomorrow.
Right now, he is on a ventilator and in an induced coma. His condition is critical, but stable.
Whatever that means. :( I am shocked by this news. It was even more shocking to find it out on FACEBOOK! Not quite used to that.
Once AGAIN, we are back on the paperwork trail for registering Alli with the embassy.
It has been an interesting on again, off again thing. The agency told me 2 weeks ago, to not send anything in. This week they say to send everything in. Good grief!
We are getting a lease house ready for new tenants. It is a HUGE job! We went back in today to work and the A/C stopped working. :/ More money, more time. The house has to be ready by Friday!
Erika still does not have her new legs. Not even sure what is going on there. :(
This is my last month to teach K-2 Sunday School. I will be joining Mike with the Jr. High class soon.. I like tag teaching but will miss the little ones. :)
I will be teaching VBS this month.
We are also going to be covering Chapter 4 and 5 this month of The Connected Child for our support group.
I am no closer to finishing our Taxes than I was on April 15. UGH
Anna is volunteering at the Lirbary 2 days a week for 2 hours each time. One the way, we stopped to look for much needed shoes. We found TWO PAIR that fit, and that she LIKED! Nothing short of a small miracle!
Life is rich and full and good and sad and I rest in the arms of my Heavenly Father that He knows all things and is in control of all things, even air conditioners, legs, brothers, support groups and taxes! Thank goodness!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
When We Need To Change
There are so many times in parenting that we have to be on our toes, try to navigate 10 steps ahead, and be ready to meet any challenge. That is our job as parents.
When we are dealing with hurt children, who come from backgrounds full of trauma, we need to be ever more vigilant to listen to what they are telling us through direct communication or through behaviors.
Are we eliciting a FEAR reaction from them? If so, why? What are WE DOING that WE can change in order to bring about a different response in our children?
You may say, "But I didn't do anything different than I have normally done , and everybody else has survived!" "I am a good parent!" Well, that may be true, but THIS child, needs something different. He or She needs you to take a closer look at HOW you parent and tweak some things. There is no weakness in tweaking. :) Taking a long hard look at how we parent is a GOOD thing! Seeing where we need to change is a sign of strength, not weakness. It is a sign of success failure!
Being brave and seeing the real us, with all our faults and weaknesses, will show our children that it is OK to need to change. It is not the end of the world to be wrong, or to have areas that need tweaking! We ALL do! And we can learn from ourselves and each other!
Are you a screamer? Do you lose your patient attitude easily or get frustrated and over react? Do you go back to old habits that are not acceptable when your child's challenging behaviors frustrate you?
How is your child supposed to change if you don't lead in the area of change yourself?
When our children see Us catch ourselves in an old habit, admit that habit, apologize and start again, it gives THEM permission to do the same. They don't feel singled out, or so very different.
We can lighten up with HUMOR thrown in, and change is actually enjoyable.
"Well, I sure could do that one differently; don't you think??" And suddenly you can turn a possible disaster into a teaching moment. :)
I remember when Alli first came home, how many things I needed to tweak to meet her special needs. She was so fragile that I had to be very careful how I spoke even when I thought I was being gentle. She needed MORE gentle. She didn't need me to lose my temper with her, even though hers could be out of control. There were times when I didn't show her the self control I was asking for HER to show! And I had to apologize.
One of the best things we can do for our children is listen to them. Are they telling us that we are causing them fear or that they are needing us to be more tender? LISTEN, even if you think you are being tender and kind. You can't err on the side of listening, compassion and understanding.
Do you want your children to listen to you? Model it.
Be that Living Tree, Unmovable, planted by refreshing water so that your children will want to come and drink of the unconditional love you have flowing from you.
The change that you want to see in them will happen as they learn to love and trust you more.
Many of the behaviors our children exhibit, are a direct result of past trauma, having to be in control to survive, and a lack of trust.
For the traumatized child, some of their more disturbing behaviors are not "moral" issues for them. They are survival issues. We may see their survival behavior as an immoral behavior, when for them, that is NOT how it was intended.
That miscommunication can cause some real fear in parents and serious frustration.
When you see a child with cookie crumbs all over their mouth, the smell of chocolate chip cookies on their breath, yet hear them say, "What cookie?" "I didn't eat a cookie!" Our fear takes over and says, "My child is a liar with no conscience!" Two of our children have been accused of having no conscience in other homes they were in.
My observation is that both of these children are very, VERY tender hearted and sensitive. They were never without conscience. They were trying very hard to protect their tender spirits from being crushed.
Our children will not understand why WE get so bent out of shape over the very behavior they HAD to use in order to survive; because for the child, all that time, it wasn't an issue of right or wrong, it was an issue of survival. But THEY don't understand quite yet that it is no longer needed.
If we come down hard, grounding, yelling or use other forms of punishment, of COURSE they are not going to understand. The defenses will go up, they will have been judged and they will be hurt even more.
However, if we remain calm, getting to the root of the issue, (possibly hunger) and reassure them that there will always be food, and let them know how sorry we were that at one time they didn't have food.... THEN we can put them at ease and teach the importance of telling the truth, explaining the there is a moral issue with truth telling vs. lying etc. and calmly bring them to a new understanding. THEN we can work with them over time in changing the behavior without shaming them, and the eventual result, will be a child who tells the truth.
I am so thrilled with Miss Alli's ability to look me in the eye and tell me that she is the one who spilled something or she is the one who left the door open. Or, sometimes she'll come to me and say, "Mama, I'm sorry, I did this.....(fill in the blank). A year ago??? No WAY that would have happened on her own.
She was so ashamed of herself and her view of herself was so low that to admit any wrong would have just been too much to handle. Today, things are MUCH different. She knows her value is not placed upon what she does right or wrong, but she is valued just because, and she IS TRULY VALUABLE. I think she finally believes this.
I asked Alli tonight a few questions that I have been wanting to ask her for awhile.
I asked her what was different about our family in regards to other experiences.
Her answer was very interesting.
She said that she was angry all the time before. And when she said things in anger before, her family believed what she said was true, and then when she apologized, they didn't believe her apology.
She said in our family, when she has said things in anger, we have not believed it because we knew she was just angry, but when she has apologized, we have believed her and accepted her apology.
I asked her, so when you said things in anger before , it was not something you meant? She said that she knew she didn't mean what she said... she just didn't know how to stop herself. And she still feels badly about it.
Can it really be that simple? Apparently, yes.
Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things......
She has since been learning to control her tongue. Sometimes she goes back to old habits, but mostly, she doesn't. I was surprised at the simplicity of her answer.
She wants to be trusted and believed. We ALL do! She has had to work really hard, but she is doing well, and I couldn't be prouder. :)
Change is hard.... but oh so rewarding.
When we are dealing with hurt children, who come from backgrounds full of trauma, we need to be ever more vigilant to listen to what they are telling us through direct communication or through behaviors.
Are we eliciting a FEAR reaction from them? If so, why? What are WE DOING that WE can change in order to bring about a different response in our children?
You may say, "But I didn't do anything different than I have normally done , and everybody else has survived!" "I am a good parent!" Well, that may be true, but THIS child, needs something different. He or She needs you to take a closer look at HOW you parent and tweak some things. There is no weakness in tweaking. :) Taking a long hard look at how we parent is a GOOD thing! Seeing where we need to change is a sign of strength, not weakness. It is a sign of success failure!
Being brave and seeing the real us, with all our faults and weaknesses, will show our children that it is OK to need to change. It is not the end of the world to be wrong, or to have areas that need tweaking! We ALL do! And we can learn from ourselves and each other!
Are you a screamer? Do you lose your patient attitude easily or get frustrated and over react? Do you go back to old habits that are not acceptable when your child's challenging behaviors frustrate you?
How is your child supposed to change if you don't lead in the area of change yourself?
When our children see Us catch ourselves in an old habit, admit that habit, apologize and start again, it gives THEM permission to do the same. They don't feel singled out, or so very different.
We can lighten up with HUMOR thrown in, and change is actually enjoyable.
"Well, I sure could do that one differently; don't you think??" And suddenly you can turn a possible disaster into a teaching moment. :)
I remember when Alli first came home, how many things I needed to tweak to meet her special needs. She was so fragile that I had to be very careful how I spoke even when I thought I was being gentle. She needed MORE gentle. She didn't need me to lose my temper with her, even though hers could be out of control. There were times when I didn't show her the self control I was asking for HER to show! And I had to apologize.
One of the best things we can do for our children is listen to them. Are they telling us that we are causing them fear or that they are needing us to be more tender? LISTEN, even if you think you are being tender and kind. You can't err on the side of listening, compassion and understanding.
Do you want your children to listen to you? Model it.
Be that Living Tree, Unmovable, planted by refreshing water so that your children will want to come and drink of the unconditional love you have flowing from you.
The change that you want to see in them will happen as they learn to love and trust you more.
Many of the behaviors our children exhibit, are a direct result of past trauma, having to be in control to survive, and a lack of trust.
For the traumatized child, some of their more disturbing behaviors are not "moral" issues for them. They are survival issues. We may see their survival behavior as an immoral behavior, when for them, that is NOT how it was intended.
That miscommunication can cause some real fear in parents and serious frustration.
When you see a child with cookie crumbs all over their mouth, the smell of chocolate chip cookies on their breath, yet hear them say, "What cookie?" "I didn't eat a cookie!" Our fear takes over and says, "My child is a liar with no conscience!" Two of our children have been accused of having no conscience in other homes they were in.
My observation is that both of these children are very, VERY tender hearted and sensitive. They were never without conscience. They were trying very hard to protect their tender spirits from being crushed.
Our children will not understand why WE get so bent out of shape over the very behavior they HAD to use in order to survive; because for the child, all that time, it wasn't an issue of right or wrong, it was an issue of survival. But THEY don't understand quite yet that it is no longer needed.
If we come down hard, grounding, yelling or use other forms of punishment, of COURSE they are not going to understand. The defenses will go up, they will have been judged and they will be hurt even more.
However, if we remain calm, getting to the root of the issue, (possibly hunger) and reassure them that there will always be food, and let them know how sorry we were that at one time they didn't have food.... THEN we can put them at ease and teach the importance of telling the truth, explaining the there is a moral issue with truth telling vs. lying etc. and calmly bring them to a new understanding. THEN we can work with them over time in changing the behavior without shaming them, and the eventual result, will be a child who tells the truth.
I am so thrilled with Miss Alli's ability to look me in the eye and tell me that she is the one who spilled something or she is the one who left the door open. Or, sometimes she'll come to me and say, "Mama, I'm sorry, I did this.....(fill in the blank). A year ago??? No WAY that would have happened on her own.
She was so ashamed of herself and her view of herself was so low that to admit any wrong would have just been too much to handle. Today, things are MUCH different. She knows her value is not placed upon what she does right or wrong, but she is valued just because, and she IS TRULY VALUABLE. I think she finally believes this.
I asked Alli tonight a few questions that I have been wanting to ask her for awhile.
I asked her what was different about our family in regards to other experiences.
Her answer was very interesting.
She said that she was angry all the time before. And when she said things in anger before, her family believed what she said was true, and then when she apologized, they didn't believe her apology.
She said in our family, when she has said things in anger, we have not believed it because we knew she was just angry, but when she has apologized, we have believed her and accepted her apology.
I asked her, so when you said things in anger before , it was not something you meant? She said that she knew she didn't mean what she said... she just didn't know how to stop herself. And she still feels badly about it.
Can it really be that simple? Apparently, yes.
Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things......
She has since been learning to control her tongue. Sometimes she goes back to old habits, but mostly, she doesn't. I was surprised at the simplicity of her answer.
She wants to be trusted and believed. We ALL do! She has had to work really hard, but she is doing well, and I couldn't be prouder. :)
Change is hard.... but oh so rewarding.
Synchronized Swinging
Alli, Sarah and their friend were trying to synchronize some sort of lovely dance.
They crack me up. :)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Another Sunny Day in Texas.....
We are keeping busy with arts and crafts. I think starting next week I will make a schedule for each day, as Alli does much better with a schedule. It just makes her feel more secure.
When we left for camp she followed a schedule and did great. This week was topsy turvy and I needed to have something to follow too. :)
The other girls spent their days knitting and writing, and then we had friends over. We'll finish it off with Friday Night at the Movies. Tonight's feature film is going to be Tom and Huck! :)
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The Past, The Present and The Future
Have you ever heard the saying that the heels of the present step on the toes of the past?
Well, the one thing you won't hear anybody say is that the heels of the FUTURE step on the toes of the Present! Why? Because the future hasn't happened yet. :)
And that is an awesome gift! Yes, TIME is an awesome gift! You know why? Because whatever behaviors are going on in the present or past do not define the future! Isn't that great?
However, what defines the future for many parents of children who have suffered trauma is FEAR; not our children's fear, but OUR fear. Our fear can be a very harsh judge. Fear holds back love, judges, discourages and causes further damage to children who have suffered so much already.
If we parent in FEAR, our children will not be able to heal, but will be stagnant, repeating the same behaviors over and over again. Many times fears can cause parents to go back to old behaviors and old triggers that they don't really like to see in themselves. Logically, they know that reacting in a negative way will only lead to more destructive behaviors but they do it anyway. "After all, the other kids were fine with it!"
The truth is, to NOT do our best as parents in regards to our children, whether they have trauma backgrounds or not, is plain ole' selfish sin.
But PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.... This is a love that is a gift from God.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7- which I have quoted many times:
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
I would like to break that down and expound on it.... or as a teacher I know says, "Let's unpack this". :)
4-5 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged."
Am I patient and kind? Or am I impatient and bark orders. "Get up!" "Get dressed!" "You are late!"
"How come you didn't clean your room?" "You are chewing with your mouth open again!" "When will you learn?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"
Just typing this makes my heart hurt. I do not want to talk to my children this way. I want them to hear me whisper good mornings in their sweet ears. I want them to be encouraged by my words, not torn down.
Love is not jealous or boastful, proud or rude....-
Am I jealous of my own child or of somebody elses? Am I rude to my child? Am I boastful or puffed up with pride? None of these things reflect a godly character to our children. We do not want our children to be puffed up with pride, but humble and sweet. We do not want to show them that we are jealous, especially if we were to say, "how come you can't be like Johnny??" "He listens to his mother!" This TEARS down!
"It does not demand its own way, is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged.....
Did you read that? IT IS NOT IRRITABLE< DEMANDING OR KEEP RECORDS OF BEING WRONGED.....
I have heard this taught many times in light of marriage, but what about in light of being a parent; especially a parent to a child with a trauma background?
How TRANSFORMING this is!
If we are kind, and not easily irritated, how wonderful for our children.... But if we keep NO record of being wronged, and we continue to forgive and operate in a spirit of Love, what a freeing and wonderful way to live!
This does NOT mean we do not remember our childrens' poor responses. It means we will not take into account those responses and harbor resentment in our heart. It is not forgetting as if nothing ever happened. I have heard that taught before, and I disagree. We need to remember wrongs, not to keep a record, but to know how best to respond IN LOVE to our children. Otherwise, we will continue to repeat the past.
Unconditional Love is not based upon performance, reciprocal affection or expectation, it is pure, raw, giving, love. And when we GIVE that love to our children, it HEALS. It is POWERFUL.
There is a true balance of guidance and affection to help the child become whole.
The child who tries to perform to be loved will not be able to be self satisfied. The child who acts out will not be able to get the reactive chaos they desire to calm themselves. The child who is so afraid to have their deepest needs, met, because they are afraid of being vulnerable will melt with unconditional love. The fears will melt away, because the result of Unconditional love is TRUST.
The REAL child, underneath the chaos and hurt and pain will begin to emerge like a little butterfly coming out of a cocoon. The wings will begin to flex and the TRUE PICTURE of the future will begin to emerge. They will be whole, they will heal, they will succeed, they will thrive, they will LOVE.
6" It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out."
I really like this statement. We should never feel glee when others suffer injustice, including other mothers who may have a child who suffers from trauma, or even if our child has something happen that is unjust and inside there is a tone of ha-ha, you deserved that.
It is just wrong.
I hope nobody would ever, EVER wish for somebody else to have hardship or struggle. The truth is, each of us that are placed upon this planet go through things in life, and in different seasons. I hope that because of our experiences we can offer compassion and love to those who struggle and offer a message of hope and healing. The very experiences I had as a young person have caused me to be able to have compassion and empathy for my own sons and daughters. As parents, while our pain may not have been the same, or caused by the same type of experience, we can still offer empathy and understanding. It is what WE would have wanted.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
What powerful words. LOVE NEVER GIVES UP! I DO LOVE this statement. Doesn't it just give you energy?? LOVE NEVER LOSES FAITH! It is ALWAYS HOPEFUL.... Have you ever lost hope? Have you ever feared the worst would happen? LOVE HOPES and ENDURES ALL THINGS in EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE..... Oh how encouraging. I WANT THIS KIND OF LOVE. I WANT TO LIVE THIS OUT IN MY LIFE EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
This kind of love is not what the world has to offer. The world's type of love is conditional, it is shallow and performance based. It is cheap. It says, "If you do what I want you to do and I gain something, then I will love and if you don't I'll be mad and withhold my love." This is NOT true Love.
I am so thrilled to be a part of the adoption community and a part of my children's lives. And it is so WONDERFUL to see our children who have survived some of the most desperate of circumstances, THRIVE in LOVE.....
TRUE LOVE IS NOT AN EASY PATH.... BUT IT IS ETERNAL, AND IT IS RIGHT .... IT EFFECTS THE FUTURE .... and the Rewards are GREAT.
Well, the one thing you won't hear anybody say is that the heels of the FUTURE step on the toes of the Present! Why? Because the future hasn't happened yet. :)
And that is an awesome gift! Yes, TIME is an awesome gift! You know why? Because whatever behaviors are going on in the present or past do not define the future! Isn't that great?
However, what defines the future for many parents of children who have suffered trauma is FEAR; not our children's fear, but OUR fear. Our fear can be a very harsh judge. Fear holds back love, judges, discourages and causes further damage to children who have suffered so much already.
If we parent in FEAR, our children will not be able to heal, but will be stagnant, repeating the same behaviors over and over again. Many times fears can cause parents to go back to old behaviors and old triggers that they don't really like to see in themselves. Logically, they know that reacting in a negative way will only lead to more destructive behaviors but they do it anyway. "After all, the other kids were fine with it!"
The truth is, to NOT do our best as parents in regards to our children, whether they have trauma backgrounds or not, is plain ole' selfish sin.
But PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.... This is a love that is a gift from God.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7- which I have quoted many times:
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
I would like to break that down and expound on it.... or as a teacher I know says, "Let's unpack this". :)
4-5 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged."
Am I patient and kind? Or am I impatient and bark orders. "Get up!" "Get dressed!" "You are late!"
"How come you didn't clean your room?" "You are chewing with your mouth open again!" "When will you learn?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"
Just typing this makes my heart hurt. I do not want to talk to my children this way. I want them to hear me whisper good mornings in their sweet ears. I want them to be encouraged by my words, not torn down.
Love is not jealous or boastful, proud or rude....-
Am I jealous of my own child or of somebody elses? Am I rude to my child? Am I boastful or puffed up with pride? None of these things reflect a godly character to our children. We do not want our children to be puffed up with pride, but humble and sweet. We do not want to show them that we are jealous, especially if we were to say, "how come you can't be like Johnny??" "He listens to his mother!" This TEARS down!
"It does not demand its own way, is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged.....
Did you read that? IT IS NOT IRRITABLE< DEMANDING OR KEEP RECORDS OF BEING WRONGED.....
I have heard this taught many times in light of marriage, but what about in light of being a parent; especially a parent to a child with a trauma background?
How TRANSFORMING this is!
If we are kind, and not easily irritated, how wonderful for our children.... But if we keep NO record of being wronged, and we continue to forgive and operate in a spirit of Love, what a freeing and wonderful way to live!
This does NOT mean we do not remember our childrens' poor responses. It means we will not take into account those responses and harbor resentment in our heart. It is not forgetting as if nothing ever happened. I have heard that taught before, and I disagree. We need to remember wrongs, not to keep a record, but to know how best to respond IN LOVE to our children. Otherwise, we will continue to repeat the past.
Unconditional Love is not based upon performance, reciprocal affection or expectation, it is pure, raw, giving, love. And when we GIVE that love to our children, it HEALS. It is POWERFUL.
There is a true balance of guidance and affection to help the child become whole.
The child who tries to perform to be loved will not be able to be self satisfied. The child who acts out will not be able to get the reactive chaos they desire to calm themselves. The child who is so afraid to have their deepest needs, met, because they are afraid of being vulnerable will melt with unconditional love. The fears will melt away, because the result of Unconditional love is TRUST.
The REAL child, underneath the chaos and hurt and pain will begin to emerge like a little butterfly coming out of a cocoon. The wings will begin to flex and the TRUE PICTURE of the future will begin to emerge. They will be whole, they will heal, they will succeed, they will thrive, they will LOVE.
6" It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out."
I really like this statement. We should never feel glee when others suffer injustice, including other mothers who may have a child who suffers from trauma, or even if our child has something happen that is unjust and inside there is a tone of ha-ha, you deserved that.
It is just wrong.
I hope nobody would ever, EVER wish for somebody else to have hardship or struggle. The truth is, each of us that are placed upon this planet go through things in life, and in different seasons. I hope that because of our experiences we can offer compassion and love to those who struggle and offer a message of hope and healing. The very experiences I had as a young person have caused me to be able to have compassion and empathy for my own sons and daughters. As parents, while our pain may not have been the same, or caused by the same type of experience, we can still offer empathy and understanding. It is what WE would have wanted.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
What powerful words. LOVE NEVER GIVES UP! I DO LOVE this statement. Doesn't it just give you energy?? LOVE NEVER LOSES FAITH! It is ALWAYS HOPEFUL.... Have you ever lost hope? Have you ever feared the worst would happen? LOVE HOPES and ENDURES ALL THINGS in EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE..... Oh how encouraging. I WANT THIS KIND OF LOVE. I WANT TO LIVE THIS OUT IN MY LIFE EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
This kind of love is not what the world has to offer. The world's type of love is conditional, it is shallow and performance based. It is cheap. It says, "If you do what I want you to do and I gain something, then I will love and if you don't I'll be mad and withhold my love." This is NOT true Love.
I am so thrilled to be a part of the adoption community and a part of my children's lives. And it is so WONDERFUL to see our children who have survived some of the most desperate of circumstances, THRIVE in LOVE.....
TRUE LOVE IS NOT AN EASY PATH.... BUT IT IS ETERNAL, AND IT IS RIGHT .... IT EFFECTS THE FUTURE .... and the Rewards are GREAT.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The 4th Of July Celebration!!!!
During our family prayer time.....
We were saying the blessing over the meal... and it was Sarah's turn to say something she was thankful for... "Dear Lord, thank you that we won"... and then she pauses and whispers in my ear..."Did we win the war?" ummm Yes.
"Ok, Dear Lord, thank you that we won the war!".... ROFL
Then Erika says, "Sarah, do you think we'd be celebrating if we had lost???" LOL
And we had cold drinks
Alli and Sarah waiting for the show....
We finished off the evening with "Independence Day"... we had to fast forward a few parts, but it is a fun movie. :)
Alli's Birds
I purchased some art supplies yesterday..... Yesterday and today, this is what Alli has been doing. :)
Oh What A Tangled Web
That means she was disrupted twice.
All we did was say yes to a not so simple, yet it was a simple, private adoption. We signed papers, waited the proper time for ICPC and all the requirements for United States Adoptions. We followed the rules carefully. We were granted the adoption and received the adoption decree and finally the birth certificate. We agreed to do post placement reports to the Russian authorities and to register her with the Consular's office in Houston, once the birth certificate was received.
We did ALL that.... but wait, while we have been parenting and bonding and in the trenches of helping our little girl heal from all her past trauma, there has been a back and forth thing going on with the consular's office saying we have to readopt in Russia. Then the agency says, we don't. Then the consular's office says we do. Then the agency asks Moscow, and Moscow says we don't. Then the consular's office asks Moscow and Moscow says we do......
I'm feeling a bit like an international special agent on a mission. I am not even going to give a HINT of this to Miss Alli, as she was TERRIFIED at the thought of having to go to Houston.
I THINK I know what is happening. That "treaty" that was signed between the U.S. and Russia is what is happening. Even though our adoption was BEFORE the treaty was signed, they are wanting to make it retroactive. This is a first for everybody here. The agency has never dealt with this, the consular's office has not and well, we have not. I am thankful for a very kind consular officer to be working with. He is really trying to do things right.
I can look at this two ways.
1. As an adventure
2. As a real pain.....
In a way, it is both. I have done all the extra paperwork we were never told about, which does NOT include post placement reports we WERE told about and have complied with, and now, we are waiting on further instruction. One thing I DO KNOW, we are NOT going to Russia. I have never been there and we cannot afford to go. Period. Frankly, I am fearful to go there. What if they tried to make an example out of us? And we're the ones who have made the adoption work! (Think of the family in Ghana right now)
What if they try to say Alli is Russian and try to keep her? This is one reason we don't want to take her to the Consular's office.
Yes, those are REAL fears. So, we will see how this plays out. I know that in all things, God has a plan, and it will work out for our good.
One thing for sure: I'm getting really good at paperwork.
The latest is we will not have to GO to Russia. The paper work will be sent there and they will issue a new adoption decree and birth certificate with our names on it and her new name.
I don't mind this, but I don't understand why ALL the extra paperwork.
(As a follow up on this)
I have YET to find a copy of the written treaty anywhere on the internet. I have been to USCIS, the State Department, and google looking at countless articles, and only find disucssion ABOUT it, but not what is really IN it.
Some MAJOR concerns..... Since when would the U.S. agree to let Russian Authorities into a private home??
Since when are the agencies supposed to follow children until they are 18?
Since when is it retroactive?
One article says it is, another says it isn't.
Since when, can a person be tried for a crime here, and then tried again in another country? This is actually supposedly in the document. Isn't that double jeopardy? Aren't there laws that protect a person from double jeopardy?
Now, I realize none of that really effects us.... except the retroactive part. But frankly, who is to say, that somebody from Russia wouldn't just come and knock on our door and ask to come in and interview us and check us out?
Some may give the ole', "Well if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't mind."
I DISAGREE wholeheartedly. We have nothing to hide, but we should not have to prove that we have nothing to hide. In this country you are INNOCENT until PROVEN GUILTY, not the opposite, and I cherish that right. That RIGHT is something our forefathers fought and DIED for!
I refuse to be "suspect' until I prove that I am not.
As with the health care bill, I question if those who passed this even bothered to READ it!
Sorry, but there are over 50-75,000 former Russian Orphans in the U.S. depending upon the article you read. The percentage of those who have been abused is VERY small. There are hundreds of thousands of orphans in Russia today.
The chances of those children having a successful life is LESS than 10%... Given those odds, maybe the Russians need to take an introspective look at themselves and stop staring over the pond.
Maybe it is too painful to take the PLANK out of your own eye before trying to remove the speck from your brother's eye. :/
(I did find a copy of the treaty! Jim, a friend from FRUA sent it to me! You can down load it here if you like. (It will say something weird, but will go to a download and then you can read it. )
http://asozd.duma.gov.ru/main.nsf/(ViewDoc)?OpenAgent&work/dz.nsf/ByID&75759B1D632868A0432579D400495820
After reading this, I am pretty ticked off at Hillary Clinton and everybody else who insisted it be passed without READING IT!
Our national sovereignty is gone.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Happy Independence Day!
Summer Is In Full Swing
I truly like our porch swing. :)
For mama, it is time to work with daddy, and get prepared for next year's school curriculum. I have a LOT to do! So in light of that...... We needed to make a surprise trip to the Lobby. What Lobby? HOBBY LOBBY!
Gotta keep them busy so I can help daddy. :)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Indelible
Keri asked, what was written on my heart; indelible. I had to look up the meaning of indelible. :)
"Etched, permanently".....
There is something written on my heart; indelible. :) I would like to share it. Hopefully, I live it, every day.
The Love of Christ is written on my heart. The GOSPEL, good news, is written on my heart.
The call from Scripture to LOVE, and to care for the orphan and widow is written on my heart.
I pray that LOVE, indelible, is etched there forever..
Today was a hard day. I missed services for the last two, yes TWO weeks, and this turned into week number THREE....
One week Anna had a terrible sunburn. Our sunscreen didn't work. The next week, I was in the emergency room with an infection, and then, today happened.
We came back from camp. I fully expected some fall out with Miss Alli because we left and she didn't get to go. I just expected it yesterday and not today. Yesterday went great! Today not so.
I had fully planned to attend fellowship, and was really looking forward to it. Alli was out of sorts all morning, and I so wanted her to stop what she was doing. I figured if we just got in the car, she would settle herself down on the way.
That was not to be.
Anna always goes with Daddy to get Miss Joy from the Nursing Home, so they were already at church by the time we got there. I asked Sarah and Erika to go ahead and we'd be in soon.
I had hoped to encourage her, but it didn't work out that way.
She dug in and then the words started pouring out of her mouth. I was a liar. What was my crime? What did I lie about? There was never an answer to that. Trauma doesn't make sense; but it does hurt.
I was caught off guard. I finally got her out of the car and she was to go into her class, where daddy teaches, but the entire time was insisting I was only trying to embarrass or humiliate her. I simply told her this was not the case. She was embarrassed because of her own behavior not mine. I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I would never try to humiliate her ever, and she knows this; but I had a class to help teach, and I wasn't there.
I felt so bad about letting my co teacher down. :(
But I told Miss Alli that she was important, and I needed her to understand that she was my priority.
She was reduced to a 2 year old refusing to go into class, so we went home.
I have to say, I was not a happy mommy. Tears flowed. I really NEEDED to be there, and I wasn't.
I know many may not understand or may think I should have done something different, but when Trauma invades, it is overwhelming and powerful. All I could see was the best thing to do was to go home and start over.
Once we were home, she started to ask me if I wanted her to clean or help with dishes. Did I want her to check on the chickens? Feed the fish? Take out the trash?
I told her no. I don't. What I want is for her to trust me and trust daddy. I want her to NOT call me a liar and to control her tongue. I want her to be a part of a HAPPY FAMILY and to understand that ALL of us are human beings, who live and breathe and feel.
With that last statement she muttered, "And what am I , an alien?"
THERE WAS MY KEY..... She didn't include herself in my statement "all of us are human beings"...
She was back to us vs. her.
It is such a difficult bridge to get past! She has crossed it many times, and then retreated.
I cannot wait for the day she crosses it and BURNS the way back!
I cannot wait for the day that she FULLY embraces her family and never looks back.
We had a very good talk about what happened this morning and also discussed once again what true repentance is. The "I'm sorry with attitude, vs. the "Mom, I am truly sorry", and there is positive action afterwards. There is CHANGE with a repentant heart. She wants this, I know. I have no doubt. Sometimes, she just gets stuck. Today was one of those days.
But the Lord has called me to patiently wait, patiently guide, and patiently bear the burdens of pain that those of us who work with children of trauma, bear.
Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is triumphant.
Today, it is lonely.
I miss my friend J.J. who used to live so close.
So how am I living out the gospel? How am I loving? The scripture says to "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the Law of Christ."
I am bearing Alli's burdens... I am taking her before the Lord, I am choosing to love her, when she is choosing to hurt.
She asked about punishment and if she could pick one. I told her no. She needs to trust us.
If we feel she would benefit from a reminder, we will be the ones to decide such a thing.
I think she is wondering about this right now. :) That last little bit of possible "control", cloaked in "how about if you give me THIS consequence" was taken away. :)
I told her I do not like punishment and consequences. I WANT her to learn from true discipline, not punishment. I explained to her the difference between the two. She was deeply listening. We are past the events of the day and she has been really doing well since noon time.
Me? After being sick, going to camp, coming back and this.... I am rather exhausted.
I choose NOT to have TRAUMA written on my heart, indelible...... It is there, but I pray that the only thing INDELIBLE will be the LOVE of Jesus Christ.
And as for Miss Alli, I pray that our love for her, and the Love of Christ will be written on her heart, INDELIBLE~! :)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Camp 2012
We had a GREAT time! I climbed the telephone pole again after 6 years. :)
The girls loved hanging out with friends, going on the big swing,
swimming and doing all sorts of things, like attacking a caravan of boys
with water balloons after the camp fire. :)Oh my, it was an amazing week.
Here are some highlights:
Erika playing guitar for the talent show.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)