Working On Life Books And Life....

I would NOT have picked this month to work on life books, as there are so many triggers for Miss Alli during this time, but she really wanted to.  So we did. :)

Here are some examples of our life books:

 Alli's album

 Sarah in the orphanage

Some of Anna's pictures

Life books tell a history and double as a photo album. :)

Anna acutally has 3 life books.  This is the beginning of her new one that she is doing by herself.
Her first one came with her and then we ran out of room and started another one.
Erika is working on hers too.

Now, back to why I didn't think it was a good idea to work on these now.  Alli is working on so many memories right now. I felt it abit unstabling to go back into the past. But we moms can be wrong. Sometimes going through the unstable past can solidfy the present. :)
However, going through pictures for THREE families is just hard. It is hard for me.  It hurts.
I know it hurts her too.  Sometimes I think our life is soooo different than most people we know.
It is hard to relate to normal.  But that is ok. :)

Right after taking these pictures.  Alli  demanded requested that Erika help her do casting for a knitting project.  Erika was very kind and tried to show Alli how to cast. 
Alli said, "I want YOU to do it!" "I just want to knit."  Erika explained to her, "Alli, it is better for you to learn it yourself so you can knit on your own."
Oh this made her so mad!  Was it reasonable? NO it was not.

 I asked Alli to come to my room with me for 5 minutes.  I told her I would start the timer when she complied.  TWENTY minutes later, she FINALLY complied.  I videotaped our time as it help ME to see what I can do better, and sometimes to show HER what she is actually sounding like.
I didn't want to talk with her out in the living room because I prefer to correct behaviors privately.
Sadly, she missed the first 25 minutes of the afternoon movie.  But that was her choice.

She also learned about the statement, "Don't give a poor man a fish to eat, teach him how to fish."
We translated it to: "Don't cast a scarf for Alli, teach her how to cast ."

I reviewed the video and found it rather refreshing compared to a year ago. :)  We had a conversation that was REAL and even though she was upset, she was able to tell me how she felt. 
She was angry that Erika was "acting like mama and telling her what to do."  "I don't mind if YOU tell me what to do, but I don't want HER telling me what to do!"  (ever heard that before?) :)
I told her, that is a compliment.... Erika was being very kind and patient; and she is a VERY good big sister. She must be learning well from mama on how to tell you what to do, because I didn't see her being bossy at all! :)

Once the timer went off, she wanted to talk some more, and she came to the conclusion that she indeed was over reacting and needed to tell Erika she was sorry.  We prayed together that the Lord will help her get through this time of memories and to relax in Him.   Erika is a FANTASTIC big sister. She is very understanding of Alli. :)
So, here they are an hour later and Erika is teaching her baby sister how to cast off so she can knit for herself. :)


Alli and I reviewed the video and she was surprised at how she was sounding.    That is one of the benefits of video. We can use it as a teaching tool for ourselves AND for our kids. :)

Almost 18 months home!

Alli and Daddy went out tonight for a special time.  She wanted to go to the art store and then they went to get dinner. 

Today was a perplexing day with everything going well, a mini meltdown and then everything going well again! :)
I feel better now. :)  J/K 

When I talked to our social worker about 4 few months ago she said that Alli has so many past anniversaries for Trauma related incidents, she is just one big anniversary!  There are a few things that stand out however and rewriting over those events with other major events has helped her.

Today was a bit of an off day for her.  Could it be hormones?  Could it be past trauma?  Honestly, it could be anything so we covered it all. :)  Feeling angst inside can happen to all of us; how we handle it, is what is very important!
When I look back on the last nearly 18 months, the event of today was rather trivial in comparison.... But that does not mean we settle for  second best; We strive for the BEST with the help of the Lord. 

We are on a new playing field of security and love.  We are not having to really work with her in this area anymore. She has gone with lightening speed into our arms of love and she LIKES it. She likes the security she feels and she knows she is here to stay.
We are turning our focus to issues of  neglect in her upbringing.  She was dependent upon HERSELF and not parents for her safety.  Habits form with this kind of lifestyle and she is learning that she is still very much a little girl.  She LIKES being young, and then at the same time, doesn't.  12 is a confusing age even for the most secure of children.  I can't imagine what it is like for a child of trauma. 
She actually figured out that it will be 4 years before she was 16 and she was celebrating how long that is, because Erika is only  2 years from 16. gulp!

I am comforted in how well Miss Alli is doing, and that we DO have a lot of years ahead of us before she goes into adulthood.

In the mean time.... There will lots of times for building memories and strong relationships  like tonight.  It just so happened that this Thursday was her turn for a Daddy Daughter Date. :)

 It couldn't have come at a better time. :)

 Daddy said they spent a long10 minutes in the jewelry section. :) After Michael's, they went to a restaurant called "Love and War in Texas".

 Honey Corn bread..... shaped like Texas.

 This was a plate for ONE!  They shared it.

And there was a BAND!  She said it was the best band she had ever heard.  :)

New Legs

 Yesterday Sarah finished her appointments for a new leg.  She brought it home and likes it very much.  Erika's legs are still a work in progress.  We have had double appointments for the last few months trying to solve problems with fitting....
Staying in a small room for what seems like an eternity can make one rather.... well.... SILLY. :)

 The Great Leg Mix up. :)

Sarah thinks her leg looks rather large!

 Trying it out!

 I think she likes it!

And into the elevator to go home!
Erika will have 2 more appointments before delivery. They sent her home with unfinished legs so she can take notes on problem areas .We go back September  6 and turn them in, and then..... this LONG ordeal will be over. Until next time. :)

My Sister's Birthday Song

I wrote this for my sister's birthday and didn't get it to her in time. :(  Just a tad late..... but after all... I am 50 something  going on 60.........

Coincidence or Orchestration From The Lord?

I don't believe in Coincidence..... Tonight was family worship time.   We had a LOOOONG day.  First we had MOST of our school, then we had a LOOOONG appointement  at the hospital getting legs fitted.  Then we came home, I rushed all the girls to the library and store, then got back in time for a late dinner and to start Family Worship by 7:30.  WHEW!  

That kind of chaos doesn't work well, but sometimes it just cannot be helped so we do our best.  Anna and Alli stayed home from the hospital appointment with daddy.

For family worship, we continued to read the second 1/2 of  1 Corinthians chapter 11 and then 13. 
Before we started reading.... 3 girls were sitting on the couch.  Alli and Sarah were on either end and Erika in the middle.  Anna was sitting by me.  Sarah spread herself out  across Erika, which Erika didn't mind and then Alli decided to spread herself out a bit too.  The problem arose when Alli didn't want Sarah's foot to touch her leg.  It was one of those famous, "She's touching me!" moments. UGH
So, I told Alli, well, if you don't want to be touched, just move onto your own cushion.   And so ensued a child weeping at the unfairness of not being allowed to spread out all over creation without being touched. Oh the unfairness of it all! After all, Sarah was spreading out, why couldn't she????
Well, she could, but if she didn't want to be "touched", then she couldn't. 
We tried to explain that the point is,  Sarah doesn't mind being touched.... and Erika doesn't mind being touched.  If YOU don't mind being touched then don't worry about it..... but IF you DO... move over to your own place and all will be fine too.....

She just couldn't get it, so quiet tears flowed at the unfairness of the situation.  Now, had this been a long time ago, she may have been up a tree, having a full fledged fit or curled up on her bed.... SHE STAYED... and she listened...

As daddy began to lead in scripture reading, the entire passage was on disruption and factions in the body of Christ.  It was quite interesting watching them read and listen to the words of Paul.  And then.... Daddy turned over to 1st Corinthians 13 on the description of LOVE.... He very poetically asked the girls, "So what does LOVE look like?"  And they read:  Love is patient, love is kind, LOVE DOES NOT SEEK IT'S OWN....
After we prayed and closed for bedtime.  I asked Sarah, "What do you think you could have done differently?"  "Were you thinking of yourself or  others?"   I had been rocking Alli and asked her the same thing.... and both answered correctly.  They were both thinking of themselves and not the other person....

What would have been the LOVING thing to do?  And both answered correctly! :) 

So, while we didn't have a "conventional" or "normal" worship time tonight.... we had a GREAT example to spring board from and we all learned something from it. :)  We went on to explain to the girls that in the same way that God LOVES us.... Dad and Mom strive to LOVE them! We HOPE ALL THINGS, ENDURE ALL THINGS, BELIEVE ALL THINGS.... we have GREAT HOPES for them and there is NO GREATER JOY than to see them respond to the Lord and grow and serve HIM.
To see them growing in trust and love is a great joy to us. 
As we ended in our usual song "Go out with joy and be led forth in Peace"..... I had a sense of calm and joy. 
As I snuggled with Anna before she went to bed she said, "Mama, I think Alli just needed more attention today. It was a long day and she didn't get much.  I LOVE how Anna cares for and loves on Alli. :)

All the girls went to bed with joyful hearts..... WAY different than when we started our "Worship Time."   
Oh what imperfect beings we are! :)

Alli's Volcanic Eruption!

Alli created a Volcano land with background and active volcanoes. :) She colored the vinegar with red food coloring so the lava would look real. :)  Her volcanoes were made out of clay.  She put baking soda down the shaft of each volcano and then poured in the dyed vinegar. 

Alli is a hands on sorta girl.  She really enjoys arts and crafts and any kind of science experiment.  We are not studying volcanoes right now, but instead nutrition.   So, since we really don't have much to "create" with nutrition, other than lunch..... Volcanoes were the project of the day. :)

I don't think Puppy appreciated being kept in her crate.... She wanted some volcano time! :)

On a side note..... Bella went boating and enjoyed the water!

Bella and her Four Little Women. :)

Hi Ho.... Happy Monday!

Today started with the water department paying a visit.   We lost water pressure a few days ago, and it was getting worse over the weekend.  One of the water department ladies attends our church and I asked her if we were the only ones.  She said, "I'll send somebody out on Monday."  uh oh.

Apparently we had a MAJOR break underground and it was on OUR side of the main, which means we are responsible for it.  We used a HUGE amount of water.  NO, we didn't USE it, it leaked out under ground!  Our water main is on the edge of our property so we had no idea there was a leak.

 

Sooo, the water is off and being repaired by a very special man who can do just about ANYTHING!
He is a very neat plumber!

Alli was cheerful about it.  "Since we don't have water, let's pretend we are poor and don't have water!"  LOL
Well, how about if we play "Russia or Ukraine"?.... We brought in goat water to pour down the toilet to make it flush.  It seemed that once the water was off, EVERYBODY had the urge to go to the bathroom twice! :)

Erika lucked out. She has kitchen duty so I bought paper plates for the first time in 2 years, since we can't wash dishes right now! 
So here is to the Daddy, Husband Plumber!!!!!

THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU!

Doubly Blessed!

Today a we came together with a family friend and had a "clothing exchange"! 
They had been blessed with several bags of clothing and had left overs.  They blessed us with those bags and We have left overs too! 
We were SO blessed!  Each of the girls gleaned several outfits!

The double blessing for me came from Anna.  She found a 5 dollar bill in the pocket of the pants she was trying on.  I was out in the office filing papers when she came in and said, "Mama, this doesn't belong to me, it was in the pants I was trying on!" 
I was so blessed to see her honesty and integrity. :)

We will return the 5 dollars to the original owner....

I am truly, DOUBLY BLESSED!

The Internal Clock Visits Again

I wrote a post called "The Unseen Clock" last year.  It was around this time last year that Alli was having some behaviors that caused me to believe something else was going on .... and it was about how we talked about it.

I have written before in older posts about how our children have internal clocks  that let them know it is "Anniversary time" again.    They may not be aware of the reason for their anxiety or uncomfortable feelings inside, but their EMOTIONS tell them there is a reason for anxiousness.

The last couple of days, this has been Miss Alli.  She was pulling away, wanting to be more alone, being snarky with her sister and then apologizing.  It was like watching a ping pong ball.... one way, then the other , then the other......  

Tonight, we had a few moments alone, and I simply talked to her once again about her internal clock. I said, "I think an alarm went off.."  "Are you having memories?"  I was surprised at her answer. 

At first she said yes, but I don't want to talk about them.   I reached over and hugged her and said, "Sweetie, you can trust mama.... You can share." "Are your memories scary?"  

"YES Mama! "  
"Can you tell me about what has been flashing in your mind? "
And the tears began to flow....

"I remember standing at a window with my brothers and sister, and they were taking my mother away in an ambulance.  We were alone.  My baby brother was standing next to me.  I don't know what happened to him."   "I don't know where they took my dad." 

Something AWFUL happened that day that will forever be etched in Alli's memory banks. 
We hugged and talked about her past and the hope of her future.
We cannot erase history as if it never happened.  We remember, learn from it and sometimes there is no sense made of it.
Family neglect and violence do not make sense. 

I am so glad she shared her most dark secret today.  And tonight, she was MUCH more back to normal.  We prayed tonight and she thanked the Lord once again for her family. 

Love my little girl.  She has been through so much. :(

Erika: Most Wanted!

Guess who got pulled over by the Police tonight!!!!!

Ummm... YES! My precious girl!   She went out on a "Daddy Daughter Date".... and after dinner they went to a local park and he let her take the wheel to begin the process of learning how to drive! 
Apparently, somebody saw our van driving slowly in the parking lot and called the police, reporting a "suspicious van".   LOL.... It is good to know people are watching!

The officer was VERY NICE and talked to Erika and daddy.  :)
"Driver's license?"  She said, "You'll have to ask him!"  :)

  He left them to continue their date in peace. :)

I'm glad that this time around, Daddy is doing the driver's ed.  I already did my service in that area with the guys. :)

The good news is, daddy thinks that Erika will not need any modifications on a vehicle to drive.
She sure was excited about the events of the night when they came home! :) 

When The Love Bucket Has A Hole

Have you had the experience of a child who wants, wants WANTS  EVERYTHING, yet nothing seems to satisfy their wanton desires?
Me too.....

The child who has had NOTHING, now wants EVERYTHING and SOME is just not enough,  is a child who has a whole in their love bucket.   It is a tricky task to plug up the hole in that love bucket and bring it to overflowing.

The first time I experienced this with Anna, she was just 5 years old.  I took her shopping but we didn't really find anything that she was that excited about.  I am really picky about buying things, because I don't like to buy just to buy. 
When she realized we were going to leave the store without a shirt or dress or sweater, she started to grab anything she could see and sobbed, "Can't you get me this?"  "What about this?"   She was in SHEER PANIC and then full tantrum mode. 

Of course, we left the store and I was perplexed with her behavior.   It wasn't the typical little kid wanting something she couldn't get.  It was a very insecure and love starved child wanting to fulfill a need in all the wrong places.

She didn't realize that a sweater she didn't need or even like would not calm the insecurity  she held in her heart.  She didn't understand that what she really REALLY wanted, she already had.  She was FINALLY being loved and accepted. She had the family and stability she never had before, but she didn't recognize it.   

We have had this type of attitude in 2 of our girls.  Both of them came from tragic poverty, and neglect.... into stability, NOT WEALTH, but NOT POOR.....  and then, they didn't recognize what   a valuable treasure they had been given;  a loving family that truly cared about them.

So how do you get over that hump and teach them that love is not found in things, presents, food, clothing,  etc?  
VERY CAREFULLY.....

The first thing is to be very careful not to shame them.  Shame is part of the problem, and they are trying to COVER it with things.  It will not fulfill the hole in the heart.
To gently talk to a very mad child about the importance of love, above things, especially when they have had neglect, is tricky.  

"You know sweetie, I want to buy you something that is just perfect for you! When we see a sweater like that, it will be my joy to get it for you!"   But honestly,  a sweater will not bring you joy or happiness.  Those things come from inside your heart!  And it seems that your heart is very sad and empty.    Come and let mommy rock you and sing to you. We need to fill your love cup up, cuz it has a crack!"  :)  
It will take time to settle the inward struggle of trying to fulfill emotional needs with everything other than relationship.  Relationships are TOUGH..... things don't have discussions and bring immediate pleasure. 
But things wear off and relationships stand the test of time.  They have to grow and develop.
The stage when our girls were like this had more to do with not having developed a deep relationship with us yet. 
As time went on, and we didn't cave into the stuff mart demands, relationship began to take shape and the love bucket began to heal.

It IS important to note that they DO need to have some of that desire met.  We took them out for a special meal, or ice cream.  We would take them to purchase clothing when NEEDED..... but not with a demanding heart.    We can't break them of this type of need cold turkey, it would be too hard.  It is more like weaning them from stuff to relationship.   But we have to be a part of a DESIRED relationship and not a constant threat to their security.... especially with OLDER kids.

Now, can we tell a child.... "Sweetie, what you really want is US!" "AREN'T WE WONDERFUL???" LOL


I seem to remember Miss Alli saying one time, "I'd rather have a horse!" LOL
No, we can't be so blatant as that.  Even though THEY are. :) 

We have to work on that loving relationship, and even mourn with them  when they don't have something they THINK will bring them joy and happiness.  
"I'm sorry we don't have a horse."  But you know what?  I am so glad that you are here and loved, and I pray that someday you will see how much we love you.   Don't judge the desire, but present what they do have!

In a time when you are not in teaching (discipline) mode, you can make an effort to help them see what is really true about their lives.  We do this when we drive in the car..... "What are some things you are thankful for?"  If there is an "I don't know.."  Then we can say, "I'm thankful for YOU! I'm thankful for the beautiful blue sky! Aren't you? "  " How about you daddy? What are you thankful for?"
We have also done this at dinner for years!  Everybody says one thing they are thankful for and then daddy thanks the Lord for the food.
Everybody can come up with one thing; and for one of our girls  it took a while for her to say anything other than, "I'm thankful for Bob the cat".  :)

Over time, as we weave thankfulness into the fabric of our lives, it catches on, and the idea of what is important changes.    The changes are evident in the prayers. 
"I am so thankful to have parents that love me and care about me."
"I am thankful for my family."
"I am thankful that you brought me here."
(these are real prayers spoken)

And we smile at the prayers we hear, as we think  back  at the memory of a time not so long ago, when a little 5 year old clutched onto a sweater because she thought that would fill her deepest need.

Guess Who Came To See Her Ya-Ya! :)

 ILSE! That's who!

I cannot believe our little sweetie is 15 months old!  She is doing really well.  She has been getting therapy on a regular basis and has been able to take some food by mouth! That is AWESOME...
Ilse accompanied her mother, cousin and Aunt on a mini retreat for SLOS families in Houston last weekend.    She is already going on "ladie's retreats!"
Her brothers came along too, but I have to figure out how to download those pictures from Anna's camera. :)  To be continued! :)
OK.... GUESS WHO ELSE CAME!!! JOEY AND CHRISTOPHER! :)  My sweet grand boys.

 They are such hams. :)

And one more Ilse..... :)

Speaking Love, Bringing About Change

I know I talk about LOVE a lot.  BCLC's motto is LOVE NEVER FAILS.... The Scripture says that Perfect Love Casts Out Fear....  LOVE is so very important in each of our lives. It is the driving force behind decisions we make, how we treat others, and how we view the world.

Trying to imagine what it is like to never have been loved, or to never really "FEEL" loved, is such a tragic glimpse.   The idea that nobody cared or loved me would be overwhelming for me, as a person in my 50's.  But what if I were little. What if I were 2 or 3 or 5 or 12? 
HOW SCARY WOULD THAT BE?

If a child is convinced through experience that they are not loveable,  and then they are placed in a situation where love exists, it can cause them to be so very full of shame.  They may try to convince you of "their truth".... that they are NOT loveable, they  are not worthy, and that they do not deserve to be loved.  The thing is.... "their truth is a LIE."  It was a lie that was given to them sometimes at birth, by being rejected.  It was a lie given to them that they were not worthy by a worker who dismissed their cries or punished them for being a baby.  It was a lie given to them when they grew up in an abusive home where violence was the answer, and it was a lie given to them when they were lost in a sea of little lost souls looked over and ignored as they saw friend after friend leave, and they were not chosen.

TRAUMA HARMS CHILDREN to their VERY CORE!  It ROBS them of their personhood. It leaves them, a human shell, not much different than a traumatized war victim.

And then, when they have a chance at life.... sometimes, they are too afraid to grasp it. It is too scary and they don't know how to respond to LOVE.  It is something they have either NEVER KNOWN, or at one time they loved and were CRUSHED with rejection and abuse.

Love is a POWERFUL emotion.  TRUE LOVE,  is not based upon a feeling, but upon doing what is the very, VERY best for another.  TRUE LOVE is an ACTION, a VERB.... and feeling follows.
The laying down of one's life for another, and the choosing of kindness and compassion for another is  what TRUE LOVE looks like.  It is a SACRIFICIAL love.   This is the kind of love that GOD has for HIS children. :)  It is the unconditional love, not based upon performance or behavior, but based upon HIS WILL to LOVE the unlovable, us.
GOD's kind of LOVE TRANSFORMS us.  HIS touch reaches to the very marrow of the bone. It reaches the the very core of our being. It reaches into our soul and it CHANGES US.  It changes us from being human shells, to being ALIVE and VIBRANT.

When we love our Children how GOD loves us, with AGAPE love.... it changes them.  They respond.
This is why we can say LOVE NEVER FAILS...  

I have heard the saying, "Love is Not Enough"..... but truly LOVE IS ENOUGH, because TRUE LOVE is a call to ACTION.  It fills the child, does what is absolutely BEST for the child and it NEVER FAILS. 

TRUE LOVE.... builds up, encourages, connects,  builds on relationship, and never EVER, EVER EVER gives up. EVER.  It is not based upon feeling or emotion of any given moment. It is consistent and steady, trustworthy and pure.
True love is a rock.  It is a steady stream.  It is the continual wave of the ocean that sweeps along the coast that never stops.  It flows into us, around us, about us, under us, over us, and washes us. It encompasses our whole being.

Speaking LOVE into our children is so very important. :)
So HOW do we speak LOVE into our children?

We take them into our arms and tell them, "You are wonderful. you are beautiful, you are kind, you are sweet, you are smart, you are fun, you are loving, you are nice.  And if we can't find those things in our children at the moment.... we can say, "When you hit, that isn't the real you! The real you is a sweet boy or a lovely girl.... I can see that you are kind, way down deep inside!"   Plant the seeds of success into their little hearts.  Let them know that you don't see them as awful, annoying, irritating, fearful etc.  
Tell them you choose to see their sweet laugh, pretty smile, how they walk, how they dress, how they arrange things.  FIND SOMETHING about your child and LOVE that child..... Before you know it, there will be LOTS of things to love about them. :)  And they will begin to see you as a trustworthy person and not the enemy.

Did you know you can correct a child and before your conversation is over, they can be empowered to do better, and actually walk away encouraged?

 Punishment focuses on the bad behavior.   Discipline instructs not just what NOT to DO, but HOW not to do it again and HOW to do the RIGHT thing,  and  do it better!  Discipline encourages and  empowers our children with tools to succeed.  And after those times of correction, our last words need to be words of affirmation and encouragement.

We need to discipline ourselves out of our own personal laziness to really work with our children actively, both when they are doing well and when they are not doing so well, even when WE don't feel like it; even when we are exhausted.   It is a life long,  continual exercise to bring them to maturity.  And it is soooooo WORTH IT!  THEY are sooooo WORTH IT!

Christ has called us to die to ourselves and be alive in Him.  If we have been called to adoption,  make that calling sure.
We are not called to "Easy".   :)

And We're Off To A Great Start

 And here are my students ready to go.....

 Somehow Sarah, I don't think will be a very good desk come November! LOL

 Anna getting settled in.

 Erika at her favorite spot.

Alli taking a break.

They all did very well.  Apparently I gave a 2 hour lecture and didn't even realize it.  I probably should have noticed Alli was curled into the fetal position on the couch. :)
Somebody nicely made me aware of my time indiscrepancy.

Finishing up math and we are good to go until tomorrow! Yea!

I HEAR THE SCHOOL BELL RINGING!

Yes I do!  
We are starting school on August 15th!  Everybody is excited and everybody is concerned.  I have had 2 girls ask if we can delay MATH. :) 
I am excited about GEOGRAPHY and HISTORY.  I am also excited about FINANCE.
We are going to be studying Finance with the help of Larry Burkett.   He wrote a book for kids between 11 and 14. 
I took Miss Alli to open her savings account today.  She was SO PROUD of having a savings account.  I told her, "This is the last thing we have had to accomplish to make you a FULL MINICH!"  She was beaming. :)
I am thrilled that there is a book that reaches out to our girls regarding how to save and plan for the FUTURE!

So, I think tomorrow's math will be filling in bank books. (That is a surprise because they are expecting Algebra!)  On Monday of NEXT week, Algebra resumes. :)

Another surprise is a documentary on Thomas Jefferson. I have been previewing it all week and I think they are going to REALLY like it!

2 of our girlies are "go with the flow".... The other two, which I call my "book ends" are much more stressed when it comes to change.   They are excited and reserved...... I am praying that tomorrow will go well for them.

Today, we had a fun time at a Pizza Parlor with good friends to celebrate "Back to School"....

So when are you all starting school and what subjects are you excited about? :)

Meeting Old Friends

Today, we went out to eat.  We met up with some old friends from years gone by and were able to catch up on life news.  I love these encounters.  :)
What was really funny was THEIR daughter said, before they came into the restaurant; "Wouldn't it be great to run into the Minichs?" :)  We thought it was great to run into them! :)

The last time we saw them was a few years ago, before Alli.  :)  So here we were with a new daughter and they had LOADS of questions. :)

They asked how long it took for her to settle in.  What kind of behaviors did she have?  And much, much more.  It was a joy to share our journey; but at the same time, it made me realize how different we are; how different our journey is.

And you know what?   I don't mind being different.  I love it that my girlies are a part of my life and that they are HEALING and they are BLOSSOMING....

As we were leaving the restaurant.... 6 girls walked out and our friend said, "WOW, what a bunch of beautiful young ladies". :) 
And he was right.... They are ALL beautiful, inside and out.

It was good meeting up with old friends. :)

WHAT SHAME LOOKS LIKE

Shame can disguise itself as ungratefulness, an attitude of superiority,  a know it all attitude, or a form of pride.
Shame is one of the most common feelings of former orphans. 
Many of our children believe they do not deserve to have a family, happiness, material gifts or love.
Sometimes they will try to sabotage that love by speaking out against it! 
They may seem ungrateful, hateful, angry, showing no remorse, and not wanting to connect....
BE PATIENT and KIND... understand where these behaviors come from... they come from a DEEP SENSE of undeserving shame.  
LOVE ON and ENCOURAGE  THEM even when they have discouraging behaviors. 

Several years ago, when Miss Anna was 5 years old, we took her to a very big party. She was SOOO EXCITED TO GO!  She had a wonderful time, yet on the way home, she kicked the seats and screamed all the way home.... "I had a terrible time, I hated all those people, I didn't like it!"
It was very clear to me that she DID have a good time, but somehow didn't think she deserved it.

Our response to her was:  "We know you had a wonderful time. You DESERVED to have a good time! It is ok to have fun.... We love you!  I rocked her and during our rocking time she broke into sobs..... "I really DID have  fun! I really DID like it!"

I know sweetie... I know you did.   It is ok.  And we repeated.... It is ok to have fun. You deserve to have fun!  
It took several years for her to realize this..... But she DID!  And now, she is just fine with parties. :)
She knows that it is OK to like them, and she DESERVES to have them. :)
I just love our Anna. :)  She is 13 now!  Thank you for teaching us so VERY much!

Timing

I was asked a really great question yesterday by a soon to be adoptive mom who is reading both "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, and "The Connected Child."   BCLC is written by Heather Forbes and TCC is written by Karyn Purvis.

BOTH are really good books and both I highly recommend.  The question was, "Do they sort of contradict each other?"     I can totally see how it could look that way, and in a way, it is possible that they DO, IF you are trying to use them both on a newly adopted child. 

Let me explain..... 
I believe that Heather Forbes BCLC book is perfect for a child who is NEWLY home and for ALL children with EXTREME behaviors.  But as your child attaches and sort of "graduates" in behavior, then Karyn Purvis's offers excellent examples of how to stimulate and help a child flourish. 

Now, In the Connected Child book, she goes into wonderful detail about the backgrounds of children and where they have come from, but I think some of the methods with a brand new child would not work. I KNOW it would not have worked for 2 of our girls because of the deep wounds and lack of trust in the beginning.  But now that we are in a different season, MUCH of what she has to say is just fine.

So I guess what I am saying is that TIMING is VERY IMPORTANT. 
The way we can talk to Alli today, is MUCH DIFFERENT than what we could do 17 months ago.
She was so insecure and only had one volume and one emotion that she let show when she was upset. She didn't know the names of other emotions or how she was really feeling. She didn't look at us with direct eye contact when she was upset.  And I do not believe in forcing it.
Using BCLC techniques were ESSENTIAL in helping her heal. 

I think Karyn Purvis' Book, is a book of how we have always parented in a normal circumstance, even with our boys.  There is a lot of common sense in it.  She suggests eye contact, and today, I can say to Alli, "Look at mama's eyes".... and she will.  But 17 months ago?  It couldn't be forced in the moment.


I had to literally test where she was emotionally by placing my hand near her fist.  She would bat it away and I would put it near and then as I soothingly talked to her, I would put my hand closer and closer until she took it and held on.  THAT was my cue that she was ready to be comforted and after a few minutes I could THEN ask her to look at me.  Sometimes she was too ashamed, so I would just tell her she was beautiful and then offer a different way to do things next time. :)

If I were in the process of adopting again, I would say that reading both books is paramount!  There is much to glean from both.... but I would be 100% BCLC for quite a while, and THEN when a foundation of  trust was formed, I would then begin to use some of Karyn Purvis's techniques.

BOTH BOOKS STRESS gentle and tender voices.  BOTH books STRESS kindness and respect.

And RESPECT is a TWO WAY STREET.... IF WE WANT RESPECT, WE NEED TO GIVE IT. We are our children's example of what that looks like.

Children learn and grow differently depending upon personality and situation.  You CANNOT RUSH HEALING. 

I just love raising our kids.  There are challenges and struggles, but the Reward is great. :)  Seeing little lives change before our eyes is an amazing experience.  What a blessing we have been given.

Jumping and Overcoming

I took the girls to Gymnastics free play yesterday.  It is usually a smaller group for the home school association, but being summer, it was MUCH larger.  In fact, there were about 50 children participating.  When we walked in I heard Sarah groan.... "Oh great, I'm going to get asked a bunch of questions."   I just hurt for her sometimes. 
Alli offered, "I'll take care of them!"  Um. No Alli, that won't be necessary. LOL 

There were a few of those "mean girl" types gawking with mouths hanging open like Sarah was some sort of freak of nature.  She politely asked them to stop staring when it got out of hand.
That daycare group left and then things were much better for her.... On the way home, Sarah said, "Mom, did you know that there is something wrong with every single one of my limbs?"  "EVERY ONE!"   We all got a bit of a chuckle out of that. :)

Yes, Sarah, but look at all you do!  She has been on crutches for a last few weeks off and on due to pain issues.  She stayed on crutches for a couple of days before the gynmastics event so she could jump.  And boy can she jump! :)

I sure do wish some of these children's parents would teach them about differences.  Honestly, to open your mouth and say OMG is so far out of line, I don't know how to express it..... it is off the chart inappropriate, but we see it ALL THE TIME!  
Sarah is a sweet girl. She is kind and funny and talented.  I HATE it that she has to go through such scrutiny.  I LOVE IT that she NEVER gives up! :) That's my girl!

Middle Age and The Future of Our Children

I am the same age now that my father was when he died.  It is a really strange feeling to know that you are now your parent's age the last time you talked to them.  He just wasn't that old.  Or, maybe he was, and I AM that old.

When I was traveling on Monday a little fear gripped me.  What if God wants me at this age too?  Every time a car passed on the two lane high way I was thinking, "Stay awake person, do you know I have kids at home still?"    Isn't that awful?  I was not trusting the Lord....I was in a state of UNNECESSARY worry about some made up thing in my mind!

I wonder, if sometimes our worry about our children's future isn't very similar to this?  We hear about the kid who was a disaster and never got better.  We hear about the children who are suffering with so many issues, and fear grips us.  "What about OUR kids?"  "What is going to happen when they grow up?" 
The truth is, WE DON'T KNOW!

I was comforted the other day in reading about an old friend who was probably one of the most messed up teenagers I had ever met.  I often wondered how she turned out and if she was even alive.
Not only is she ALIVE, she is THRIVING as an adult. :)

I remember my own teen years that from the outside looked great.  I was a "good" kid.  But on the inside, if somebody had known what I was  thinking and how I felt, it would have terrified them.
Every single day, for about a year,  I longed to be hit by a bus.  No kidding.
That is pretty bad to admit, but it is true. 
Yet, the Lord helped me through some serious difficulties of teenage hood, to find more difficulties in early adulthood.
What did I learn?  THIS LIFE, the troubles in THIS LIFE are passing and in comparison to Knowing Christ, are nothing. 
Troubles in this life lead us to the one who can offer ever lasting life, and life more abundantly.  Not abundant in attainable wealth, but abundance in love, and joy beyond understanding.

I want this for all of my children and grand children.  Their lives COULD have been shattered for good, but they are NOT! They are thriving with an understanding and purpose.  Those shattered pieces are a part of their lives, and the Lord is putting those pieces together for them.  It is not the picture that was predictable, but a MUCH BETTER picture. :)

I pray I get to see them reach my age. :)  But if not, I know they will be fine.... no, better than fine! They will thrive!

The Wizard Of Oz Remake

This is what Anna and Alli did while Erika, Sarah and I went to the prosthetist for new legs. :)

New Requirements For Those Who Adopt From Disrution From Russia

Well, we were the very FIRST of our kind.... Yes... it is true. :)
The Treaty that was signed last year has gone into effect, and those who come after us, adopting children from Russia that are already in the U.S. will be required to fulfill a few more requriements:

We adopted Alli in America 17 months ago, but the NEW TREATY is RETROACTIVE....
When we tried to register Alli with the Consular's Office in Houston, it was WAY different than when we registered Sarah with Ukraine.... Because of all the changes.... we were caught in the middle of change.

So here is what we had to submit:

1. American adoption decree Original, notarized and apostilled... translated into Russian
2. Amerian Birth Certificate Original, notarized and apostilled.... translated into Russian'
3. Marriage Certificate, notariazed and apostilled... translated into Russian
4.Passports for BOTH PARENTS... notarized and apostilled, translated into Russian
5.Copy of ORIGINAL adoption decree from FIRST family
6. Copy of ORIGINAL birth certificate from FIRST Family
7. Copy of birth certificate BEFORE adoption by first family
8. Passport and 6 NEW passport photos
9.  Application for New Adoption Decree
10. Application for New Birth Certificate
11. Application for New Passport.

Numbers 9-11 must be filled out in Russian. If you do not have a friend to help, or if you do not know Russian, the consular's office will help.

The Translations do not need to be notariazed or apostilled.  That will be done in the Embassy.
We did both , and had more copies just in case.....

The cost was 175.00 and had to be in a money order or cashier's check made out to the Consular General of the Russian Federation.

All of these documents are kept, so if you only have 1, make sure to get more than one original when collecting documents.

We were told that this was the very first time they have processed a registration from a disruption, so it was a learning experience for everybody.  One document we did not have and could not get was the original birth certificate from the first adoptive family.  After several hours of trying to locate one, the Mr. Stanislov  filed for a lost birth certificate.
He said it will take a few months to have a new one issued and it will be sent to him.  He will call when they get it, and then we can get the new Russian Birth Certificate with our names on it and Alli's new name on it.
He issued the adoption decree right there.  Had we had the birth certificate, he would have issued that right there too as well as a new passport.  
Since we didn't have it, we will have to make one more trip to get the other documents.

I am simply happy to have all of this behind us.  Almost. :)

So, for anybody who has adopted a Russian Child through Disruption, I would be prepared for them to be looking to see where your child is and to have them registered. And I would encourage any agency handling an adoption to request original documents for your own records so that you have them on hand in case of a disruption.
They may never find you and reach you, or on the other hand, they just might.  According to the new treaty, which I have read, and the amendment DID DECLARE retroactive, all children have to be registered and new paperwork generated.
We didn't have to qualify or prove anything, it was more of just a transfer of paperwork to keep everything in order and up do date.

This is a huge relief and burden off of us now.  I hope things go smoothly for others.