Change Of Scenery

From This
To This.

I wrote a post <--- link last year about how we implemented a change of scenery to bring about healing and peace. 
In the webinar I hosted last night, the issue of "Changing Scenery" came up, and I wanted to  expand on that concept to bring about better understanding.

When a child gets stuck in a negative behavior or as BCLC calls it, a "negative feedback loop",  the point is that they are truly STUCK.  They do not know how to stop, or how to change the direction they are going.
That is where we parents come in.  We have to guide them to a place of felt safety so they can let go.
Many children who are "stuck" suffer from PTSD and truly "feel" threatened when they act out.
This could be on a conscious level or a sub conscious level. 

Changing the scenery is NOT a logical linear act.  For us, it may seem is,  illogical.
Because bad behavior in our minds = consequences.  "You do this, I do that."  It is a tit for tat scenario.  So just "deal with it"..... "If you don't want consequences, don't act out!"

We can find ourselves becoming drill sargeants passing out consequences in a continuous flow and suddenly we become combatant enemies. 

If you don't want this, I know I don't, then how can we bring about permanent change?  
                                                 Get out of the loop! 
     So, how do you do that?  You change the scenery.  When I say "change the scenery"  I am not talking about taking somebody shopping and buying them gifts to make them stop yelling at you.
That is called bribery!   That is what you see in the grocery store when a child is screaming at the top of their lungs and the parent opens the crackers or chips the child is demanding and gives it to them to make them stop.  This is not only bad for the child, it is also modeling stealing, because those chips have not been payed for!

Changing scenery has a purpose.   The purpose is to get the person who is stuck, out of stuck mode.
Just like a car that is stuck in the mud and needs a tow truck to pull them to safety, our children need us to pull them into safety.

Rocking, walking, going to a park to breathe in the fresh air and smell the flowers, can breathe new life into a very weary child and a very strained relationship. 
If this action takes them from a place of rage to a place of safety and love, you have begun the first steps towards healing.

Even with a child who says, "I don't care!" as they hurl words of pain towards you.   Your response to  them, putting yourself aside, and getting them out of that loop will bring them to a place of caring.

So I ask, if a child is raging for hours, and you have a tool to use to bring calm back into their life, why not use it?  Is it rewarding bad behavior to take a walk?  I don't think so. 
When we think this way it is because we are not looking at the whole child and only focusing in on the negative behavior.   The behavior is there for a reason.  The child is dysregulated.  To participate with them in a regulating activity can bring them to a place where their brain can function well and when they are ready, give you opportunity to lead and guide them. You can do this through  role play, offering new tools to help them keep from going into full meltdown,  and reassuring them you are on the same side. 
Consequences that are not natural, do not connect with the illogical mind or even with the logical mind.  
A child will not be able to connect, "Because you didn't do your homework, you have to go to bed 15 minutes early.  Or, "Because you were snotty to mom, you lose your video games for the day."
These types of consequences don't really teach and lead to understanding and improvement. For the dysregulated child, they can actually cause the child to spiral further out of control.  They may feel that they are being singled or mistreated.

Relationship is of utmost importance.  Building relationship through natural consequences can lead to a stronger relationship.   If you child didn't finish homework, the natural consequence is a bad grade.
You can offer compassion to them, and then say, "You know, I just bet you can do better next time!"
"I know you don't want a bad grade!"  "Maybe we can study together tonight."  And suddenly, homework is no longer a battle, but driven by the child's desire to do well.

If a child talks back or uses snotty talk, of course it must be addressed.  But for a child who is stuck,  how you address it is so very important. 

We have used the "change the scenery" tool now and then. It is not something we have had to do often, and I want to emphasize that behaviors do change.  Healing does take place and you will not be in a mode of constant meltdowns and upheavel forever.  
Things will get much better as relationship solidifies.
Also remember that grief can come in waves, and sometimes old behaviors can return briefly.
It is then we can get caught off guard and not do what is best.

A little about our own words:

"Good for you! You calmed right down!"  "Thank you for rocking with me. I love it when we rock together."  "Why would you act like that?"  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
As you learn about your child's struggles, remember that your words of encouragement go a long way in helping them to healing.  Words of discouragement can cause them to remain, stuck.

Seven Years

Abandoned at birth, in a laying room for her first four years, rocking back and forth in a crib with nobody to love her, severely neglected, and then by some miraculous event, a  place in a special needs orphanage opened up in the country outside of Kharkiv Ukraine.  She was sent to Vysoki Special Needs Baby House. 

One of the workers there saw that she had potential.  She worked with her, teaching her how to walk and talk. 

We did not meet this woman on our trip to get Erika, but we met her two years later when she tearfully came up and hugged us and shared with us how worried she was when Erika left. She was so thankful that Erika was doing well and thanked us again and again.  It is strange being thanked, when we feel so thankful. 
Erika is a treasure.  She was hidden from us for nearly 8 years, but God knew..... He was with her.
I do not understand suffering, nor do I pretend to.  But I know that Erika knew how to pray. She felt the presence of God in that awful laying room.  She remembered, and told us when she learned to speak English.
I remember when Papa Dima
went with us to the orphanage he asked her, "What are you thinking about today?"  She said, "I'm thinking about Jesus."  It wasn't until several months later that she fully understood the Gospel, putting the pieces together of Jesus coming as a baby, dying on the cross, and taking our sin upon himself.  But when she did, tears began to flow out of a thankful heart.

Erika was smart! She knew that we were not the same people who had picked up Sarah nearly 2 years before.  She told us, "You aren't them."  We had to explain to her about Sarah's disruption with the other family, and then showed her pictures of Sarah and Anna, and she poured over them with reserved excitement.  Her smile was so precious.... a nervous smile, one that was holding back out of uncertainty, yet wanting to let go and break free.

She told me that she never thought anybody would ever come for her. She cried at night after each child left or had visitors. She had none, except Papa Dima who had been coming for a couple of years to minister to the children twice a month.


She couldn't believe it was her turn, and in true Erika fashion, she was sweetly relishing and enjoying the moment. 
(at the Atlanta Airport, a new American Citizen)

That is something I really admire about her.  She doesn't forget to enjoy the moment, take it in, smell the flowers and ponder it in her heart. 

We didn't know all the physical needs Erika had, nor the ones she would have.  It didn't matter.
She is a person, not a list of disabilities.  What we have found is that she is more abled, than disabled! And she is more abled than many who do not have any physical disability!  She is lovely inside and out.  There is nothing she won't try, sometimes to a fault. :)

(Erika standing on her own for the first time after her feet amputations)

Some earlier pictures to enjoy. :)

Erika is a wonderful big sister. She is not bossy or arrogant, but gentle and kind.

 She loves to play guitar....

She is a good teacher.
Erika we love you more than you will ever know! Happy Familyversary!

 
And yes, you truly ARE sister gold hair.  :P

The Cage is Complete!

Papa and Alli finished the hamster cage tonight!  She said, "She's going to be one spoiled hamster!"
They had such a fun time making the cage together. :)

Hamsters and Healing

I wrote about 2 weeks ago that Miss Alli was all upset about hamsters.  It was one of those times where she got very dysregulated when she was told no to having a hamster in the house. 
She has wanted a hamster for a while, but her upset 2 weeks ago was not really about hamsters.
You can read that post here. <----and then here.<----

I have nothing against hamsters, nor does Mike, but we didn't feel she was ready to care for one inside, AND.... her behaviors were also showing us that something else was going on.

One thing that we have always done is keep short accounts.<---  That means, we do not linger on or choose to remember all the wrongs a child does in the moment.  I'm glad that God forgives us and He too keeps short accounts. :)  When we are forgiven, he does not throw our sin back into our face!

Miss Alli apologized 2 weeks ago for her behaviors, and did not expect to get a hamster.  But daddy asked her, "Alli, why do you want a hamster?"  She told him all the reasons why, and he once again, let her know he did not believe she was ready for one inside the house. 
What he did ask her to do was to write a few paragraphs on "Russian Hamsters" and why she wants one. 
She did exactly that, and with much effort!   She learned all about caring for them, what they eat, what temperatures they can tolerate and more.

Yesterday, after church, Mike said to her, would you like to go with me to the store?  They came back with supplies to build a hamster cage that is well made, together!  I was pleased in my heart just watching the two of them work all afternoon on a very cool outdoor cage.

They are not quite finished. The door needs to have hinges put on and she needs to get a wheel.
She is being very patient.  No begging, no demanding.  But oh so excited that a Russian Hamster will be joining the family.  She will be paying for the hamster, food and supplies.  Papa provided for the cage and made sure it will be cat proof. :)

This was a very good lesson for her!  Two weeks ago was so different from this past week. 
We are rejoicing in her success. :)

(I didn't get pictures of them making the cage together. :/  But they worked so well together I was just enjoying watching now and then from the window.  From beginning to clean up, it was a joy to see.)

Randomness

Today has been a relaxing day in the Lord after such an emotionally exhausting week   in the United States, first with the Boston Bombing, then the lock down of Boston and police chases, and then with the huge explosion in West, Texas.  West is not very far from us.  Some of the people in our church felt that explosion.

At church, our dear elders spoke sweet words of comfort.  We were given a list of names of first responders who had died, and prayed for their families and we were encouraged to give from our hearts to help those in need.

Daddy and Alli are building a hamster cage for an upcoming Hamster.  He asked her to write a report on why a hamster would make a good pet, and include information about hamster care.  She fulfilled that, and so he is turning it into a good Alli-Daddy bonding time. :)

Sarah is getting ready to enter the Chess Tournament once again at the Home School Book fair in May, which means I get to play a lot of chess!  And then, we got in a couple of games of backgammon.  She is an amazing backgammon player. I wish they had backgammon tournaments at the book fair!

Bella our dog has learned to play ball by herself!  She cracks us up when we watch her pick up her ball, run across the yard, drop her ball off, run back, get a drink of water and then head for the ball again and repeat. LOL

The girls and I enjoyed singing hymns today while we were playing games and even came up with some harmonies that worked!

I caught Anna looking like such a pretty lady, sitting on the couch reading. :) 


Erika is making a notebook of all my recipes.  Most things I do not measure, but just put things together and they seem to work. 

 I made a Lemon Cake a few weeks ago that everybody loved, and yesterday, as I was making one for a pot luck,  she made me tell her exact ingredients.  Soooo the recipe is now written down!

I also made this cleaner. 
I am planning to try it tomorrow.  It has been in the jar 2 weeks.  Time to strain and use. :)
It is made of grapefruit peels and vinegar.


I think tonight, we're just going to hang out together! I could totally do the Swiss Family Robinson thing! :)
I'm looking forward to a peaceful week!

Tree Climbing

We went to Fair Park yesterday and learned how to climb trees with ropes!
I forgot my  camera!  But Erika got some pictures with my phone. I thought I did too, but apparently I don't know how to use my own phone and didn't save the pictures! :(  Hopefully I can get pictures from somebody else.

 This is the one I did get that I must have saved!    Erika, Alli, Sarah and a friend Caroline all holding hands.

 Alli challenged me to give it a try.

 It is quite a work out to inch your way up.

 At the top

Holding hands with Alli.

A New Life

On a day like this.... with all the confusion, and sadness going on in Boston.....
A new Grandson made his entrance into the world!

This is his first picture..... just 5 hours old! :)
His name is Felix Luther Minich.  
He weighed in at 7 lbs. 4 oz's. and he is 21 1/2 inches long.
Mama and Papa are doing well along with brothers Sam and Truman. :)

Felix means "Lucky or Happy".

This IS a happy day! :)

Grief Revisited

Grief is a process that sometimes comes in waves.  You will be doing just fine and then it hits you once again.  You had a tragedy in your family long ago, or more recently.  Suddenly, grief is upon you and the emotions are there once again because there is something new to process and examine. 

I am the same age that my father was when he died.  It is strange being the same age. It has made me go back and think about him more lately.  It makes me miss him, and wonder what he would have been like as an older man.
Sometimes I miss Mike's dad Ed so very much.  I felt close to him.  His death was a shock and sometimes I go back on my blog and read his comments.  He was a wonderful man.
As an adult, these times come upon me, and they are just out of no where.  It isn't something you can really "control".  However, I CAN control how I deal with grief.  I can choose to do something nice for another older person, or make sure I visit a sick friend, because you never know....

There is also grief that is felt when our nation is attacked.  I have had that grief a few times. It is an overwhelming sadness and the question of why?  It feels like your innocence has been ripped away and that you really are not safe. 
That is how it feels! But it isn't the truth.

For our children who have come from very difficult, complicated backgrounds, grief can come and revisit, even when they have been doing  well. It doesn't mean they aren't doing well, grief visits periodically, unannounced.
  Some might call it PTSD, because something might remind them of a loss from before, and the emotions are there, raw and real, once again. And when grief pays a visit, sometimes they don't handle it so well.

I could sense we were going to have one of those moments with Miss Alli.  She has really grown up a lot in the past 6 months.  She has matured, and become much more fluent in her ability to speak and express herself.  But she is still working on appropriate behaviors when grief comes upon her.

As a young lady who fully understands where babies come from, how parents are to commit to that baby for life, and how it feels when they don't, Miss Alli had some things to work through these last few days.  Her frustration of not seeing her brother and sister, wondering about other siblings, if her mother was still alive and more have been on her heart.  She has mentioned it in a healthy way and we have prayed. 
But today, she took out her grief in a less healthy way.  She expressed it through anger.
But what happened along with it, as we lay on the bed together was DIFFERENT.
She was able to say what was on her heart.
It came out rough.... but it was real.
"You are not my real mother, you are my step mother."  "My real mother lives in Russia!"
Once again, she is processing what happened to her at a new level.  Each of our girls has had to go through this level of thinking.  "What happened to me?" "Why didn't they do better?" 
"Why were they so violent?"  "Was I not worth it?"   These are grief questions.  They are birthed in sorrow and sadness.  And it is O.K.

"No, I'm not your step mother, and I am very REAL.... but I am your adoptive mother."
Do you know that there is a difference between those 3 kinds of moms?
Your birth mother gave birth to you.  It must be very hard to not have her in your life.  It must be so sad to think that you had to be taken away, and that her life was destroyed with alcohol and violence.
But you need to know that it is right and ok for you to love her.  She is your mother too.

A step mother is the wife of your father.  Sometimes she "steps in" and helps to finish raising children.  Sometimes step mothers have great relationships with their step children, and sometimes not.  However, she is not an adoptive mother. 

Mama and Papa adopted you. That means it is as IF I did give birth to you. Our names are on your
birth certificate as if we were there. In my heart, I feel that very way.  And I know this for sure, because I did give birth to your brothers and I love you just as I love them.

Because you are adopted you have an INHERITANCE!  That means you are a Minich and in every way a family member in good standing, who will always have a family name.  It is a good inheritance.
God adopts us as His children.  He has 1 one first born son: Jesus Christ.  But we are  joint heirs with Christ.  God does not have step children. We are His children, period.
Mama doesn't have step children either.  You are a joint heir with all your siblings.

I listened to her as she shared what was on her heart.  We then talked about appropriate ways to express our sadness or frustration, and to remember our history.  Has she learned this in the past? Yes.  She just needed a reminder. And she will probably need one again. :)

The cool thing about Alli is  that she really, really wants to do well.  Sometimes she gets stuck.
But it isn't the same as before.  She collects herself together pretty quickly and thinks things through in the end, coming to repentance and asking forgiveness.

As a side note:  I did find it interesting that her previous two adoptive families did not come up.
She has been with us now for over two years, and I think those experiences are fading into the background.  The memories are less and less.  Most memories now are appropriately going back to Russia, or what we did last year. :)

BIGOTRY-HATRED- RACISM

Just like yesterday evening when this happened, I am not sure exactly how to put into words what I am about to share.  I am also not sure what the correct response would have been..... I'm still thinking about it.

I was in a Walmart yesterday evening, picking up a few quick supplies.  As I was walking down an aisle, there came a rather noisy family.  There were three smiling children, rather shabbily dressed, hair unkept and dirty.  They ranged in age from around, 7 down to 3 and were all three riding on the basket.   The middle child was saying over and over and over "BEEP BEEP- WHITE PEOPLE COMING THROUGH!"

At first I thought I heard it wrong, but she gave plenty of opportunity to keep saying what she was saying. 
Her "father", who looked like he lost a fight with a bad tattoo artist,  if that is who he was, kept saying, "You keep saying that, I'm proud of you, you can say that all you want!" 
And she continued.  I went to the other side of the store and then went to check out.
Of course, in the line I picked, guess who was in front of me.  And they were still at it.
When it was time for check out, this obnoxious man made the cashier wait to pay for his groceries with a smirk on his face as he texted for several minutes. 
She finally said, "Are you ready to pay?" 
And he eventually paid. 
He looked at me and apparently my face wasn't to his liking and he told the children to start saying the "Beep-Beep White People Coming Through" phrase again..... and they did.

I looked at the cashier and asked, is this allowed to just "go on" in a store where there are people of all races who should be able to shoppe without such bigotry?
Her reply:  "It isn't my place to say anything." 

I said, "Not only is it, it is mine too, and I found myself speechless, watching as a man twisted the minds of his children to teach them hatred against other humans. 
We all bleed red."
The man behind me said, "Amen."
And then we all went our separate ways.
All of us saying nothing.

Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself for not being braver.  I think he would have thought nothing of striking me, and fear caused me to hold my tongue.

Hopefully there will not be a next time. But if there is..... I will not hold back.
We live in Texas, but Texas is NOT "good ole' boy town".
Not MY Texas.

Tragic Day for The Boston Marathon

http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/15/us/boston-marathon-explosions/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

What in the world?  The Boston Marathon has been ongoing since 1897.  Somebody decided to ruin it, to ruin it's innocence.
Another tragedy for America and for the world.  Many people from around the world run in this marathon.

Apparently the JFK Library was also bombed.

I don't even know what to think or feel.  I feel anger and I also feel sad that my children and grand children have to see such ridiculous, needless atrocity.

I don't know who did this. Of course my mind goes back to 9/11 and who was behind that.
But it is too soon to tell.
I pray that those responsible will be found.  I also pray they will hear the gospel.  The gospel is the answer to all of this. 

Keeping Short Accounts

Have you ever heard the saying, "Keep Short Accounts"?

Many times it is used in reference to marriage.  Don't hold grudges or keep lists of the wrongs or seeming wrongs your spouse has committed towards you.

It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma backgrounds. 
Children from tough backgrounds many times come with a tough exterior due to such personal trauma and pain, it is unimaginable.  They are very frightened of being hurt again, but that fear does not look like fear to us. It looks more like defiance and anger.  It may even be defiance and anger, but we must remember that it is rooted in fear.

When we feel vulnerable ourselves, sometimes we can lose our focus and fall into a mindset that can be very destructive.  We choose to remember in  our hearts  how hurt we are, how we have been wronged, how the words spoken to us in anger pierced us or crushed our feelings , and then, we fall into the trap of unforgiveness, bitterness and keeping records of wrongs.

What happens next?  Fear begins to set in and we begin to parent according to our own fears instead of parenting from a place of love.
Fear tells us that our children will not heal.
Fear tells us that they will not make it in the real world.
Fear tells us that when they are older, they won't go to college, grow up, become productive adults and more.

Those records, written on our hearts come to us when our child acts out, and we catalogue the charges against our children deep within our souls.
This cannot be!

Not only is it unhealthy and destructive to relationship.  It is unbiblical!

In First Corinthians 13:1-7

1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 
Did you see that is scripture?  I underlined it.... remember it! Notice it says "every circumstance"?
That means every!

If we find ourselves keeping records in our hearts, we are not responding to our children from a place of love, but actually from a place of self protection and selfishness. (fear)

These are hard words to hear.  I have to tell them to myself too. :) 

If we don't give our children a fresh start, or clean slate emotionally, or allow them to try again, when they have failed, we will be holding them back.  If we have them blackmailed emotionally, knowing that we are holding past behaviors over their heads to be brought out at our choice moment, we will not be pursuing to create relationship but to destroy it. It may be unintentional, but the result will be destruction and continued disintegration of the relationship.
And it is so easy to fall into that trap. 

 Just like the best intentions to have a great marriage can fail, the best intentions to have a great parent child relationship can fail. 
The good news is:  Just like you can be the change to bring a marriage together from failure, you can also be the change to bring a parent child relationship together successfully.

We need to practice rejoicing when our children do well, and look at them as God looks at them and us.
When we sin, God sees us through Jesus Christ.  He sees us as forgiven. He sees us as sons.
God does not hold our sins up before us over and over.... there is an accuser that does that.  Let's represent Christ to our kids,  not the accuser!
In the case of a child who is not in faith;  just as God pursued us with intense love, to the point, he sent His son,  we need to pursue our children with that  kind of love.  Entrust them to the Lord, pray for them,  love them!  Seek relationship! 

A Picture of BCLC pt 2 "What Happens Next?"

Yesterday, I wrote this post <---- (linked)   about Miss Alli. :)
Today, I want to cover "What Happens Next?"

What happens after there is repentance and calm has come back into the home?  What happens next,  when a child exhibits old behaviors, or  you are in the throws of young child parenting or newly parenting traumatized, older, children?

BCLC or grace based parenting requires two sides of the discipline coin to be successful.  The first side, I wrote about yesterday in the post mentioned above, and have written extensively through out this blog regarding the same things.

The other side of the coin has to do with equipping our children with the tools needed to succeed the next time they feel overwhelmed or upset about something.

One of the leading questions you can ask your child is, "What happened last night when you were so upset? Do you know why you climbed up that tree?"  They may not know! Be prepared for that answer, and accept it as true.
The next step would be to say, "How do you think you can handle it differently next time?" Preparing them,  that in life, there will be disappointments, discouragements, disagreements and more.  Explain in detail  how you are not perfect, and neither are they. We never will be perfect here on this earth, and we will make mistakes.

If they come up with a strategy, that is fantastic! But don't expect them to do this right away if they are new to having to think outside of their comfort zone. 
This gives you opportunity to speak into their heart.  Offer a time when you were young and over reacted to something in your life. This puts you on the same team and reduces their level of shame. (I'll use one from my own childhood)

"I was so angry, so angry!  I went into my closet and hid.  I thought of bad words and then I bit my own hand! "  
"That seems so silly to me now!"
  I shared this with my daughter and she laughed.  "You did that?"
"Yep.  Mama did that!"
"And it didn't help me. All it did was make me feel guilty, because I knew it was wrong!"
"Mama doesn't do that anymore." 
"Would you like some ideas for tools so you don't let yourself get out of control when you are angry?"

And then, you can come up with some ideas together!
Sometimes writing down how you are feeling helps.  For a littler one, drawing a picture.

Maybe coming and sitting by you and squeezing your hand, squeezing a kush ball or singing a song, playing the piano, getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths in rhythm with mom, (Alli likes the breathing one),  playing basket ball, exercising, thinking about a funny joke...and more.....This is the other side of that discipline coin; teaching "self discipline" and "self control".  (all of these are successful self control tools)
For me, as a mama, if I am feeling like I am going to lose control myself, instantly making myself look at how I am feeling and then using humor with my child has diffused more situations than I can count over the years. 
"Wow! Mama said, "Don't be disrespectful, disrespectfully!"  oops! :) 

As our children learn to get those tools out and practice using them, they will get better and better at using them in the heat of the moment, preventing a melt down.
New butterflies emerge from their cocoons when those cocoons look like there is no life in them at all!  


And they soar!

I love hearing success stories... would anybody like to share?

A Picture of BCLC part 1

Miss Alli has been doing so awesome.... Every time,  when it has been a long time since any kind of meltdown or disobedience, I forget that she is still very newly home.  When I am reminded, like last night, I run the equation in my head.  She came home at 11. 11/11ths of her life was total chaos and destruction.  She has been home 2 years.  What fraction of her life has been chaos? What fraction has been healthy? 
11/13ths... chaos.  2/13ths healthy.  You can 't even reduce that to lowest terms yet! :)

This really helps me to keep things in perspective.

Miss Alli loves animals of all kinds. Yesterday for our special time she asked if we could look at the "Russian Hamsters" at the pet store.  I honored her request with the knowledge we would not be coming home with a hamster. :)  She oohed and awed at them for a while, did some cage pricing and then we went on our way.
We had a wonderful time while we were out, and just had a really great conversation.
Sometimes, she gets things in her mind and gets determined to find a way to make it happen!

She asked her daddy if she could get a hamster.  He said, he didn't think she was ready to care for an animal inside the house.  This made her pretty upset.  She knows she has pets outside, but she was dissatisfied.  She wants one inside.
She mentioned a bird, a snake and now a hamster. 

She was brooding over the answer a little bit, and then got overwhelmed and went to lie on her bed.
I went in to check on her after a few minutes, and she had the covers over her head and was not budging.  She didn't want dinner. Didn't want anything but a hamster!
"I know you are disappointed about the hamster."

So, I went into the other room and left her door open.  She could hear Sarah and I singing songs while making dinner.  She could hear laughter and she could hear joy. 
I knew she wanted in her heart to join in, but she stayed on her bed.  And then.... she went outside and climbed the tree. HIGH.  She has not done that in nearly 2 years.

I went outside and asked her to come down.  "Do you realize, you broke your pinky promise?"
She immediately came down.  She went back into her room and I gently said, "We love you sweetie."
"I know you are disappointed, but you need to really think about what daddy has said." 
I sang a little soft song to her, and then I put my hand on her and just prayed for her. 
Tears began to flow. 
I quietly said that I was going to go and finish dinner. "We would love for you to join us."

(Daddy had to leave with Erika for a special time)

She came out with tears of regret.  "Mama, I am so sorry I broke my pinky promise! I can't believe I broke my pinky promise! I was also wrong to get so angry!  I was so wrong!"
"Will you forgive me?"  And she fell into my arms with true sorrow and repentance.

"OH YES I WILL!"

I told her that she needs to forgive herself too, and let the Lord carry that burden. 
Then we talked a little more about hamsters and why we don't think this is a good time for one.
She understood and received our instruction without anger.

We also talked just a little bit about dissatisfaction.  Why do we think we have a "need" for something?  "What are we trying to fill inside by getting another animal?"
That took some thinking.  And she had some very good insights!
"Animals don't hurt you or reject you."

But God has created us to be in relationship with people! And even though people do hurt us and reject us, they are also capable of great love and mutual relationship!  An animal cannot fulfill that kind of relationship. 

She waited up for Daddy and Erika to come home and then apologized to her daddy too.
It was beautiful.
We renewed our pinky promise. :)

Today, there has been no mention of hamsters, birds, snakes or other animals.... there was just happiness.

(Our gentle modeling, forced her to have to look at her own behaviors. She was faced with being the one who was angry. She was faced with being the one who broke her promise and  she was faced with being the one who was on her bed pulling away from relationship. She didn't like it.)
This is how BCLC works. 
Our kids feel safe when we are in control. They feel safe and secure when we make a decision, even one they don't agree with  and stay the course in a fair and just manner.
There was no need to consequence her.  She was ashamed of her own behavior already. She needed mercy and understanding, but not caving in to her demands.

Whacking Through The Weeds OR Not....

I was visiting Sally's Blog "I Take Joy" today, and just loved what she had to say about how grace based parenting is NOT leniency or coddling. (I added the coddling word)

Her post got me to thinking about parenting kids who come from hard places.  Not that I don't think about it all the time.  But I began to focus on  what some think BCLC is, or Grace Based Parenting is.  If you don't understand the concepts, you might think it is spoiling, allowing children to be out of control, smiling as your little princess throws a huge fit, demands, talks back, etc.
(you get the picture)
What a horrifying thought!  It is not at all even close to the truth.

When children come into our lives after living a life completely separate from us, they come with their own set of values, morals, ideas, likes and  dislikes; and those may be quite different from our own!
(that is an understatement) :)
In order to help them root out unwanted behaviors, we need to cultivate the soil.  Gently!

Picture a child's heart as a plot of land for a garden.  But this land has not been cared for at all. There has been no fertilizer, no compost, no weeding of any kind, no careful hoeing, no water..... it has just been left to itself.  Do you know what a garden looks like that is left to itself???
 

It looks kind of like this picture.  Rather wild isn't it?

If you just go in and start whacking down every weed you see, you are going to cause more problems in your garden.  Whacking weeds will only spread them.  The roots will still be there and the seeds of those weeds will fall into more soil and you will have a bigger problem that you started with!

In our Children's lives, if we bring them home and just start whacking at the weeds, (the unwanted, trauma based behaviors) we will only be spreading them.  It might look pretty at first! The weeds are all gone! SEE!

But then, they will start to come up all over the place! Why?
Because we forgot about the root!  The root causes of many behaviors are based in fear and shame.
Trust me, your child wants to get better, they really do!  But sometimes it is just so scary!

Now, if you were a garden, wouldn't you be scared if farmer John came over, big and tall, wearing his hat, gloves and overalls, and just started whacking at you?  Wouldn't that make you want to run and hide?

That is a picture of our children, who come home already frightened and then, all this whacking, chopping and supposed weeding starts to happen....
In reality, the little tender trust shoot that was starting to grow gets chopped down with the hoe of anger, impatience, adult temper fits, demands, and the attitude of "Enough already! When are you going to grow up and face the real world?"

Then answer is, they  need to be cultivated with love, fertilized with kindness, sown with patience,
and watered with abounding grace.

If a child's weeds are just whacked, there will be a naked garden, suffering from lack of nutrition, too afraid to emerge from the soil, lest they be whacked again.


A good gardener knows that gardening takes time.  They are patiently dedicated to having a wonderful garden of blessing with luscious flowers to adore and foods to eat as the reward of their labor.
A really awesome garden takes YEARS to cultivate. It doesn't happen in one season, two or even 4 or 5. 

Working in that soil the nutrients needed is a labor of love. 
Tending those little plants carefully, will lead to an abundant harvest!
Weeding must be carefully done, much like a surgeon must be careful, we must too!

Put the weed whacker away! It doesn't get the right job done!
Get on your knees and pray about what weeds need to be carefully and gently removed from our children's hearts, and pray about how to remove them.
And then, nourish your children's lives with the abundance of grace that flows from a life turned over to Him.
I promise, they will grow! The weeds will try to come back, but you will know how to work with your child to help rid them.
And they will.  Their little heart garden will bear the fruit from your labor of love. :)
Tender trust shoots bloom when they aren't whacked!  They develop deep roots! And when the winds of struggle try to blow them away, uproot them or destroy them, they thrive.

In the process of growing the garden of your child's heart there will be thorns, but don't forget to smell the roses! :)

What Is A Mom?

"My mom", "My other mom", "My third mom", "My first foster mom" "My last foster mom"......"My Russian Mom", "You are my favorite mom".....

 LOL.... yes, these are normal in our house.

(I looked up images on google for a mom picture and this was the first one that showed up)
So it is official... I look like a mom! LOL

Sometimes when we are having fun conversations, talk about other things that have happened come up.  Using our square cheese grater reminds Alli of Russia, and preparing a meal with her Russian mom. When Anna goes clothing shopping she is reminded of foster care. Sometimes candy will remind her of a particular foster mom, and eating cereal off of the floor will remind her of another one.

The truth is, they have all had other moms! I am 6th in a line of moms for Anna.  5th or 6th  in a line of moms for Alli, if I were to include her respite care providers.
So what IS a mom, and how do our kids establish who we are in their lives?
Of course everybody has a birth mom. That is the person who cared enough to give you life.  Maybe they couldn't care for you, or didn't want to.  Maybe they were too afraid, or were told things that caused them to not keep you. Or maybe they couldn't care for you due to substance abuse.
 These are the realities of the birth mom. 

Foster moms come into the lives of our children when they are placed into state care.  Some are committed to loving a child that will not be staying with them forever.  Others not so much. There  are many reasons people foster kids, and I would like to believe that they are all good, but reality is, they aren't.  I am so thankful for the committed foster parents out there who truly want what is best for the children in their care. 

And finally, there is the adoptive mom.  She is the one who is the last stop.  She is the final mom; or not.  Sometimes there is more than one adoptive mom before our children are finally settled. This has happened twice in our home with our girls.  One has had two adoptive moms, and the other has had three!

 The final adoptive mom  is the one who is safe enough for our children to take their hurts to, after all that rejection.   She sees the good, the bad and the ugly... but she also gets to see the success, the love and  the growth.
She gets to see the end result as she commits her life, laying it down for another!  And it is great reward! She is the one who gets to help her child sort through the tangled mess that trauma can bring, and delights when she sees a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

And guess what?  Our children know that we are their final mom.
They know because they slowly but surely learn to trust us. They know because we prove it to them day in and day out... loving them tenderly, coming along side them, leading and guiding them from fear, to love.

There is no time for the final mom  to feel sorry for herself, if things have been hard.  There is no time to blame others. There is no time to blame the child who has suffered.  There is no room for anger towards any other mom. There is no room for unforgiveness.  These things must be dealt with personally, and continuously given over to the Lord to bear. We as moms, cannot bear those burdens. We were not designed to.
When we take them on, it causes us spiritual harm and we cannot parent as we should.There is only room for love. It is not our place to worry about what God has not given us.  He has given us our children.  They are to be our focus.
In reading 1st John 4:18-21, he says,
"18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Moms, this is how we need to walk.  In love, not fear.  Perfect Love casts out fear. :)  Isn't that awesome!  When our perspective is in line with Christ; we do not fear.  We do not fear for our child's future. We do not fear for tomorrow.
 Christ is there to walk with us all along the way!  The circumstances may not change; life is not perfect, and as long as we are in this imperfect world, there will be trials. 
But how we view those trials can cause us to live out our lives in peace and love, or chaos and anger.

I choose love.
How about you?

Insight

I have been praying about a problem that I have faced over the last week.  It actually didn't show up this past week, it just came to a head in my heart.  It has nothing to do with my children, or their trauma.  It has everything to do with the adoption community and hostilities that exist between those who judge others intentions, and even question the integrity and honesty of their blogging.

It had been on the back burner simmering for a long, long time. 
Last night, I took some advice from "The Connected Child" book regarding getting rid of our own baggage.
I decided to write a blog post about how I felt.... I worked on it for a few days and then I deleted it.
I gave it to the Lord, where it belonged in the first place!  He is my defender. He KNOWS.  And that is enough!  Wow was that ever freeing!

In my prayer, I realized I was letting people's opinions, whom I have never even met, have power in my life!  That is just wrong! What a strange world we live in, where we know people from all over the world! But do we really know them?  No! We don't.
My sin.  My wrong.

Realizing that there is still a bit of "fear" in my life was eye opening.  I need to rearrange some priorities.  My eyes were being distracted from my Lord, and paying attention to circumstances around me; circumstances that I cannot control. 

I want to be surrounded by those who really "get" the Christian walk.  They "get" the sacrifice that God wants from us; a life surrendered completely to His will.  This is my desire and it effects all areas of my life.  Christianity cannot and must not be "compartmentalized".    It can't be.  If Christ is in us, we are His! Our ways must be His.  And I am so thankful for those who are wonderful examples of walking with Christ in the midst of difficult circumstances. 
God does not take our trials away. He walks us through them! And the perspective on that trial changes greatly when we know the truth; that God is in control. Period.
  

Romans 12: 1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers,^[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.^{[b] 2} Do not be conformed to this world,^[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.^[d
His Perfect Will.... Oh how I love basking in Him, In his love. I thank him for pointing, ever so gently that I was needing to get my eyes on Him.  "Don't look to the left or the right. You follow Me!"

The Footprint

There are so many things that happen in life when you are not in the adoption community.....
When your babies are born, they take their footprints in the hospital for a cute little keepsake of their birth.
I don't have any footprints of my four girls....
That is until today!

We were studying fingerprints in science, and Miss Alli decided her footprint was also necessary!
I will cherish it always, just like those little tiny footprints of the boys.... because it is hers. :)
And I love her.