Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I Don't Think She's Excited Enough!

Erika is in Winter Park Colorado..... They have figured out how to get her down that hill! :)
Her latest email:
I hoping I can send you some tonight. I long to hug you and dad. I am really missing your cooking. Dr. Haring so helpful and so has his wife.  My ski trainers are fabulous. I love you very much.

Erika M.
She is such a special sweetie! :)
I miss her..... So happy she is having a great time but can't wait until Saturday! We get to be back together! :)
Here she is going down. Thank you Dr. Ellis for sending this. :)

Turning a Failure Into A Success! OR The Bathroom Floor SAGA....

It was just today that I read part of a devotional by Sally Clarkson where she talked about praying in her room, spending time with the Lord and then came out to see her boys having a pillow fight by some precious keepsakes.  She asked, "How can I be praying one minute, communing with the Lord and be angry the next!"  
That so rang true today in my life.  (Alli gave permission for me to post this. She said, "If it helps other people...."  Love my girl.)
(yes, it was really that dirty!) 
 Miss  Alli has been home almost 2 years!  March 2nd is coming up very soon, and the stresses of the years before her coming to us, were apparent today.  We have been seeing some hyper vigilant behavior, some old behaviors that have not been around for a long time and a general sense of anxiousness. 
She had been holding it together quite well, with little bits of fizz from that shaken bottle of soda coming out just a smidge at a  time, until today.  It sorta poured out.

Today was one of those moments where I felt we needed to push through on a matter, even though I knew she was stressed. We always address behaviors that are disrespectful or dishonest. 
Today it was BOTH.... I think, know I could have chosen a better time, as in.... not when she was upset.... that is standard! But no.... I had to go and shake that bottle and open the cap!  duh...

We have not seen her so upset in a very long time.  She had been called out on a 1/2 truth; and as you know, a 1/2 truth is a whole lie.  It was a very simple thing. 
She was supposed to sweep and clean the bathroom floor.  It has looked the same since Sunday.
So, I called to her and said, "Sweetie, you need to sweep and clean the bathroom floor." 
She was very annoyed and said, "I DID IT ALREADY!"
Ummm. Really?
"YES!"
So, I pointed out to her the obviousness before both of our eyes, but she refused to look.  Instead she got mad. 
So I tried a different approach.... "Maybe you THOUGHT you swept the floor?"
"NO, I ACTUALLY DID IT!"
Instead of saying something like, "I see you are out of sorts, let's take a few minutes so you can calm down, it's ok and reassure her that she is safe.....I chose to address the obvious that was before me, right then.... 
"Alli, I'm sorry, but you are not being honest!"  "To say you swept the floor when it is OBVIOUS that you didn't is not telling the truth, it is a lie."
Now, had I waited, all would have gone well, I am convinced of that.  But I didn't feel like waiting.

The lie and disrespect needed to be addressed, just not in the heat of the moment.

I want to say that I ALWAYS want to err on the side of grace when it comes to issues like lying. I want to make SURE they fully understand and get what I am saying and what they are saying.
So if I wasn't SURE.... I would not call somebody out on it.
OH BOY! She was hoppin' mad!  Then came more disrespect. "You're are just TRYING to MAKE ME MAD!" "YOU PUT THAT DIRT ON THE FLOOR!"   (I'm not kidding)

And then I became angry. "NO! I didn't... and YOU are being disrespectful now!" 
I told her I was angry and that it was wrong for her to be so out of control.... (as I felt like I was losing control).  And then I told her, mama needs to take a break here. I'm not happy about raising my voice.  She remained in the bathroom and I went in the other room.

She was sitting on the bathroom floor angry and defensive.
I threw up a prayer and went back in with the broom.  I asked her to please show me how she had swept the bathroom floor. I really wanted to see. Maybe I had not taught her well enough.  After numerous refusals, she finally did.  It was almost humorous that she showed me truthfully how she did it.  It was  basically two limp swipes with a broom and that was it.

So, I replied, "I see."   "You didn't sweep or clean the floor." 
She said, "I never said I did the corners or under the rug or cleaned up the spot!"  "I just said I swept the floor!"
By then she was much calmer.
I tried to use an object lesson.....
"Let's pretend you were in a court of law and you were on trial for not sweeping the bathroom floor.  Pictures of the floor were passed around to the jury to see, and it was time for them to make a decision.  What decision do you think they would come up with? 
She said, "They would say I didn't do it. But they would be wrong!" LOL

So I gave her more analogies:

If I were to ask, "Did you do your math and you said yes, but there were only 2 math problems done out of 50, would you be telling the truth?
If somebody brought their car to daddy to change the oil and he took out the filter and oil and then went on to something else, would that person's oil be changed?
If you did 10 dishes and put them in the dishwasher but there were 20 dishes in the sink, would the dishes be done?
She FINALLY said, "I understand mama; I'm sorry I didn't tell the truth." 

While I was talking to her, I began to clean that floor and sweep it and show her once again the proper way to do it. We went on to the sinks, and toilet, trash, and putting out fresh towels.
I sat down with her for a little while longer and told her how much I want her to do well; how much I love her and SOOOO want her to succeed!  And that we will NEVER, EVER, EVER, GIVE UP, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER! EVER.
We snuggled a little bit and then addressed the disrespect.  She said she felt like I was just trying to "get her in trouble" so that is why she talked back. 
WHY would you think that?
"I dunno?"  And she probably doesn't know.  Reassuring her that it is not in my heart to do that was all I could do. " I don't like chaos! I like peace!"

She said, "ME TOO!"  HORRAY for those little words! :)

It was a good talk..... She apologized once again and there was a sense of peace as we prayed, confessed our fault to our Lord together, and prayed to heal her heart once again and create new and positive memories for this time of year.

And then, I said, "Did you clean the bath tub?"  :)

Movie Making

The girls were at it again making a new movie. This time, they invited their  friend J along with M.  He enjoyed getting all dirty, and creating. :)

 Alli and Erika, the Makeup artists.

 J was a good sport!

 The Whole Crew!

And here is the finished product. :)

UP UP and AWAY.....

 Erika departed Texas for Colorado today!  It was a HUGE send off for 13 very fortunate teenagers!
Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children staff, surgeons, prosthetists and the children are on a Ski Trip until Saturday.

 She said her goodbyes

 She started writing in her journal on the way

American Airlines donates the plane ride, but they also threw them a huge party! There was food, games, media, the American Airlines mascot, and even a dog who lost his leg in Afghanistan!
She was pretty excited to go.  She knows two of the kids going, and that made her feel comfortable.

 Erika and Dr. Herring

 The group!

We watched as the plane taxied to the run way and then the fire department blew water cannons over the plane!  She'll never forget this.  I know I won't!  Wow!

Another Movie with Friends!

\

The girls had such a fun time today making a new movie. :)

 Introducing JOHN. :)

 REAL mud being applied.....

 The CAST

Duck Tape Fun

Alli went out for her special time with Daddy last night. She came back with a gift for Anna!
Justin Bieber Duck Tape! LOL
So what does a girl DO with Justin Bieber Duck Tape??

She decorates her Bunk Bed Ladder. LOL

Support Group

Tonight is Support Group!  If you are local and would like to come, you are welcome!
We meet at Saxby's Coffee House on Hwy. 544 in Murphy, right near Sprouts 7:00-8:30.

Tonight we will be finishing Chapter 8 in the book "The Connected Child".
You can download the study guide for free from the website: www.empoweredtoconnect.org

Chapter 8 is a WONDERFUL Chapter!  The Connected Child is also available online in paperback or Kindle edition.

Gluten Free Egg Drop Soup

I don't know about you, but I really REALLY enjoy a nice bowl of Egg Drop Soup.  I haven't had an egg until our date last week,  in over 4 months, so I figured it was ok to make some delicious soup. :)
Mike and I went to P.F. Changs and had soup last week and ever since I was wanting some more!

So I fiddled around in the kitchen and came up with this recipe! It is wonderful!

            GLUTEN FREE EGG DROP SOUP
4 cups of chicken broth (organic gluten free) (reserve 1/3 cup for cornstarch)
1/4 large carrot diced into small pieces
1 green onion chopped
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp white pepper
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt, or to taste
2 TLB corn starch
2 large beaten eggs

Pour all ingredients except corn starch and eggs into a pot and heat to a rolling boil.
Stir in beaten eggs to spread around. They cook instantly.
Mix the 1/3 cup of NON HEATED chicken broth with the corn starch until smoothe and then pour into soup stirring until it thickens a bit.
Serve HOT.

For non gluten free eaters, you can use the chinese noodles to put on top of the soup.
For gluten free eaters, it is just as good plain, or you can use fried rice sticks.
I just ate it plain.

A February Funny

"Mom, she's going to give me 'shaken teenager syndrome'!"
Anna said this as Alli was picking her up to give her a morning hug.... LOL

Sometimes .......

Sometimes we have to just stay and be..... today was supposed to be "Bright Lights" group.  Erika, Anna and Sarah all went.  Miss Alli needed to stay with mama for some mama time.

She had planned to go, but it was quickly evident that she needed to stay home.  So I took the other girls down the street and dropped them off at the Bright Light's location and came back home with Miss Alli. 

We sat down to have our talk about what had happened and she listened quite well.  I am proud of her for that!  We really DID have a great talk. Right before we were done, she was looking intently in my eyes and I said, "Sweetie, Don't be a dull bulb! Be a Bright Light! "  And she burst out laughing!
"Mama, you are so funny!" :)

Goats and Doritos

My favorite commercial of the super bowl was the Dorito Eating Goat.  :)

I wanted to see if goats really LIKE chips and if they really CRUNCH that loud.
The answer is Yes and YES!  We didn't use Doritos, but we did use Tortilla chips. :)

One Of THOSE Days!

Yesterday was one of THOSE days, where you wonder if somebody put something in the koolaid!
We started off the morning with some agitation and bossiness, and I THOUGHT it was all settled, until the afternoon when  we had a repeat of the very same thing!

It had been a VERY BUSY weekend, and many times, too much activity can wreak havoc on a certain young lady. :) 
But I was also tired too!  I looked at Mike and said, "I think I need to go for a drive!" 
He laughed and said, "I think you need to read your last blog post.".  :)
He was right.... We need to be very careful how we phrase things.  It would be much better to say, "My window of tolerance is closed!" <------link  My girls understand what this means.  But to say, "I need to go for a drive",  sends the message that I am rejecting; and I don't want to send that message.  What I really wanted needed was peace. 
The window of tolerance is such a good picture to remember, and it works for both adults AND children.  If we can recognize it in ourselves, a quick solution could be just taking 5 minutes to go and breathe, walk on the treadmill and pray, or get a quick shower.  It is MUCH better to excuse one's self from a situation for a brief moment by saying, "Mama's window of tolerance is closed right now. I'll be right back! I love you!"  Otherwise, things may not go so well in the communication department.  We need to remember this for our children too.  Sometimes giving them a 5 minute break before talking to them about something, or if you are in the middle of talking to them, and things break down, saying, "How about if we just take 5 minutes to think!"  This is very helpful.

So, after a few minutes, we sat down and together worked things out with our daughter; helping her understand once again, TONE of voice, and reminding her that she does NOT fully understand English, and in fact MISUNDERSTANDS much. 
Because we have a relationship with her, it makes it easier when we need to correct her behavior.  It is never pleasant to point out one's faults.
What was really great though, was the Sunday morning Prayer time was on Psalm 78. The Sunday School class discussed how our WORKS are not what bring salvation, but it is a GIFT, to us, FROM GOD, because he chooses to give, and chooses to love us, not because of anything We do!
And then the final service was all on Luke 6:43-49.
(the wise man built his house upon the rock)
Our pastor, Justin, is so wonderful and HUMAN in his approach to teaching each week. He is able to rightly divide the word of GOD and get to the HEART of the issue.
He reinforced once again, that we are all flawed human beings, with sin natures, and that GOD is rich in mercy and grace.

I am so thankful for such good teaching!

Idioms! Why English Is So HARD To Understand!

Idioms  <------link are a MAJOR part of English communication!
It is amazing how often we talk in Idioms.  We tell our children "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"  ""Don't put the cart before the horse!" "A stitch in time, saves nine!"  And many, MANY more!
Our children who are foreign to English have a LOT to learn in regards to Idioms!
Communication is SO important! 
I remember our son Tim coming back from his Russian Missions trip and telling us that when he gave his testimony to a group of young people they all Laughed when he said, "When I was born, the doctors' said  I was a vegetable!"  
What he was saying didn't translate well into Russian. :)  He was saying "I was brain dead".....
The young people who heard what he said thought he was saying that he was a literal vegetable! And they laughed!

I remember SO WELL when Erika was home just a few years and I saw a man walking a dog.... I said, "Oh Look! there is a German Shepherd! "
Her reply was, "Oh yes! And he has  a dog too!"
LOL
Communication with our children is so important!   It was very evident in Sunday School recently that children who had always lived in America understood Idioms much better than Children who didn't originally come from America!
This makes me wonder how many times we have said things to our kids,  using Idioms, and they totally DO NOT UNDERSTAND what we are saying! :)

My Mike

Today is ALSO Mike's birthday. :)  I am so thankful for him.  With two birthdays on the same day, we structure things a little differently. :)
FIRST: We started out with a Birthday Hair Cut!

 (this was his Martian Child imitation)
 Mike's received an old book and  the "Frank Capra" movie  collection.
I believe we will be watching "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" tonight. :) The girls also wrote loving notes to him, and he was smothered in daughterly love. :)

It was a relaxing morning and then Mike had to go out to work.

Mike requested his favorite Dinner.... "Christie's Chinese Fried Rice.  He also requested a "Cherry chip" cake.  I couldn't find a cherry chip cake mix, so we made one up.  I sure hope it tastes good. It looks good! :)  Sorta funny, Alli has a brown cake and Mike a pink cake!  :)


Happy Birthday Sweetheart! :)

Happy 13th Birthday To Miss Alli

Today is Alli's 13th birthday AND her 23 month Anniversary! :) 
Erika made this video for her.  Thank you Erika!

MODELING BEHAVIORS part 2

No, Not this kind of modeling! :)

There is a modeling of a different type. :)

Mike and I were talking today, and had a great conversation while we were looking back and reflecting from our own experiences.

I love having these conversations, because we can both remember things, from different angles and be on the same page.  It strengthens us and helps us see where were were, where we are and where we want to be!  

I emphasize communication a lot, and sometimes do not talk enough about NON VERBAL communication.

Mike's observation about our girls, was SPOT ON, and I wanted to share it with you.  I wrote about modeling behaviors back in 2009.  HERE is that post.<--- link

When Sarah came home to us, she had been in Texas for  10 months. She was originally from Ukraine.  She came with a fantastic Texas Accent and even said things like, "Mama, I'm fixin' to go outside!" 
I was REALLY surprised that she SEEMED to be speaking 'perfect" English.  Or perfect TEXAN anyway. :)  We quickly realized that she did NOT understand much of what she was saying, but was mimicking others!  So, when she left the house to go outside to play, she knew to say, "I'm fixin' to go outside."  She didn't necessarily know what each of these words, separated apart meant!
We found that many times when we talked to her she would look at us, cute as a bug, smile and say YES! But she didn't understand.  She was VERY misunderstood in her previous family. They thought she was terribly rebellious and defiant. 
I have shared this before, but for my newer readers I will write it again.   One day she was jumping off the coffee table. I said, "Sarah, we don't jump off of the coffee table." 
Her reply was "Ok!"
And then she did it again.
So again, I more clearly said, "Sarah, please do not jump off of the coffee table!"
Again she said, "OK!"
And again she jumped off of the coffee table.
After the 3rd time, I said,
"Sarah, what does Jump mean?"
She looked puzzled.  I don't know.
What is a coffee table?
I don't know.
So I JUMPED up and down.  "This is JUMP!
I showed her the coffee table...."This is a coffee table!"
Nyet, no jumping from the coffee table!
And a light went on.  OH!  And she didn't do it again.
There were many things like that with the girls.
They misunderstand EASILY because language had not been GRASPED fully.
This went on for YEARS!
I realized she was also learning her language in phrases instead of individual words.
So she asked "What's justaminute mean?"
I took the sounds apart and said, just, one, minute.  "OHHHH!"
And a few minutes later I said, "Sarah, can you come here?" 
"Justaminute!"
One time in the grocery store she had a big smile and said, "MOMMY! YOU MAKE ME SICK!"
I must have had a shocked look because he countenance fell and she said, "Oh, I don't think I should say that again!"   LOL
I don't know where she heard it, but she picked it up! :)

When Alli came home almost 2 years ago, she had only been in North Carolina for FOUR or FIVE MONTHS!  She had the thickest North Carolina Accent!  In fact, I have a video of us and you can hear it very well. ( I'll share that at the end of this post.)
She now has a Texas Accent.

When you take a child who has had NOTHING, and bring them home, they are like sponges, soaking everything in.  They want to be LIKE US..... They WANT to be in a family even though they really do not know what one is. They want a mama and a daddy... and they CRAVE our acceptance and love. 
THEY MIMIC US in EVERY WAY!
INCLUDING OUR OWN BEHAVIORS!

The NON verbal part of a child coming home, is HUGE...  Think of a baby. They study our faces and our mouths as we talk starting very early.  Then, at about 5 months old they start to mimic our sounds, and soon little words of ma ma, da da, ba ba, follow.
But there is MUCH communication going on before that. 
We communicate with our tone of voice! We communicate with our body language. We communicate with our ACTIONS!

Now, take a child that is new into our home..... They do NOT know how to behave in a family setting. 
Just like that baby who studies our faces, so are our children; so what IF, when they don't do something we like , we were to YELL at them!
We have just communicated to them how we speak when we disapprove! 
Lesson learned. 
Then, we do something THEY don't like and BAM! They yell at us. 
And then, we RAISE our voices in Protest! "YOU ARE BEING DISRESPECTFUL!"

Are you seeing the picture I am trying to paint?
WE have taught them to be disrespectful, by treating them with disrespect.  As parents, we can  be confused, "How in the world would somebody not get that they can't talk to us like this?"
Scripture says in Luke chapter 6 verses 41-42
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice the LOG that is in your OWN eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye, when you yourself do not see the log that is in  your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye and THEN you will see CLEARLY to take the speck from your brother's eye."
Re read it with your child in mind.
Notice, it does NOT say, that you shouldn't remove the speck.  What it DOES say is that you need to deal with your OWN STUFF so that you can see CLEARLY to take the speck from your brother's eye.

I believe this is true for parents.  If we have problems with controlling our own tempers, or with being easily exasperated, or if we have problems with impatience,  you better believe our children who WANT to be like us, are going to mimic us.

So, you want your children to behave differently?  MODEL the very behavior you want them have.

And no, it is NEVER TO LATE to start over!
  If you find yourself at the dead end of punishment based parenting, where you can't ground any more, can't take anything else away lest your child be standing there in their undercarrots.(Anna's word for underwear)....or if it is a never ending cycle of taking things away, child is sweet to get things back only to have them taken away again and the cycle becomes more and more serious where there is resentment and anger, arguing, fighting and escalating violence  ......

                                                                 STOP!!!!!!!
PLEASE STOP!  It doesn't have to be that way!Go back to square one! Take a LONG HARD LOOK at where you are and REPENT.  Seriously REPENT!  Ask the Lord to help you.  And then BE the MODEL for your children. If you  when you fail, repent and start anew.... APOLOGIZE to your children, ask them to forgive you!  BUILD RELATIONSHIP one DETERMINED BEHAVIOR AT A TIME!


THE UNSPOKEN word of our body language is STRONG in the lives of our children.  Do we have welcoming hands? <---link Do we have kindness written on our face?  Do we stomp off, slam doors, drive out of the drive way with a squeal, or walk away in frustration?  Do we do this with our spouse?
Do we do this when we are frustrated with life situations? 
 If we do, it shouldn't be such a surprise that they MIMIC not only our words, but our actions!

If our children have come from trauma backgrounds where this is how they were treated, it can be VERY FRIGHTENING for them to wind up in a situation and not be able to clearly see a difference. If you are trying to turn things around, but struggling, you are not alone.  I STRONGLY URGE you to try the "Mom Dad and Me" book method.  I wrote about it here.<---link) and I updated it here<-- link.

This form of communication can be VERY helpful because it gives your child time to express themselves, and an avenue for you to speak kind words to them.  If they can read and write even a little bit, they WORK WELL!
You would be surprised how your children can open up with just a few kind words like, "I think you are a really cool kid!" 
All children want to feel that they have been heard or understood.  These give excellent opportunities for our children to be heard and it takes the negative escalation out of it. 
Always include kind words when you are responding in writing to something your child has written.
Be HUMAN with them.  Don't worry that you are sharing a flaw... "I'm sorry I got so angry last night." I was not a good example, please forgive me. What I really wanted to share with you was...." because I love you! You are my Son! I'm proud of you!
BY MODELING an apology, it will teach your child to be open and HUMAN too!  Pretty soon, they will be writing something similar. 
"I'm sorry mom that I was mad." "I really do love you!"
"I'll try not to slam my door!"

To sum things up.....  MODELING is PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL and VERBAL....
EVERY AREA of our lives our children are watching and soaking in what we teach them.
We can teach them the way of LOVE........................... or not.
 

Alli's North Carolina Accent.... :)

A January Funny

Mom- "400º is fine"
Alli- "Mom, I read the ingredients and it says 425º
Mom- "do you mean the "instructions"?

This was a conversation from lunch.  Alli is trying her hand at some cooking, looking up recipes and I am happy to see her do it! :)