The Trip to Houston and... My Birthday

Erika and I had to leave on Monday  to go to Austin and Houston..... That is another post altogether.... but here are some hightlights of our trip......

I have to say, this was a WONDERFUL Birthday..... We were actually gone  from 4:15 a.m. until 10:18 p.m.  Because we had to go to Austin and then Houston and then back home.


 Austin

 Houston

 This was an interesting decore in a Mexican Restaurant in Houston.

 The Best Mexican food EVER.... I doubt we'll ever find that place again!

 This is Erika trying to look "Russian".... LOL

 That didn't last long.

 Texas.....

 We stopped at the Sam Houston Memorial Statue.

 It is HUGE!  That is Erika down at the bottom!

 Erika thought Daddy would like this quote. :)

 Sun Set in Texas

 A meal on the road....

When we got home, I was met with many birthday greetings:

I think they missed us....

 Alli Painted thsese pictures for me. :)

 Anna did this one with her sisters.

 Sarah gave me a sweet gift.....

 And made sure of how OLD I am....

 Daddy and I goofing off.

 The girlies can't believe I would hug a daddy without a shirt. :)

Sarah did this dance for my Birthday..... I just LOVE her so much! :)  If I live to be really old, I'll have a great collection of these. :)

Alli and Sarah created another dance for my birthday while Erika and I were on our trip to Houston. 
I just love and  adore each of my girls. They put so much effort into this dance and also put so much love into my birthday. :)  I so appreciate their hearts.

The girls had us get dressed up.... (Daddy had to put on a shirt) :)

They set the table

Prepared a Menu

Cooked all the delicious food

Took our pictures

And they were OH SO PROUD of themselves . :)

 Alli's cheese cake!

 Love this face of Daddy. :)  Alli made cheese cake surprise! It was surprisingly good! :)

Alli and Sarah getting prepared to dance.

WOW! What a beginning of the week!!!!  I will write more tomorrow about our Houston trip and what is required from Russia for adoptions that have been disrupted..... stay tuned!

THANK YOU GIRLS!

Houston Bound

Tomorrow A.M.  I am leaving to get the rest of our documents apostilled in Austin, and then on to Houston to the Russian Consular's office to turn in a "mini- dossier" for the Russian Federation.   Alli has been legally adopted in the United States but the new Treaty signed by Hillary Clinton and then amended and signed by the Duma suggests that retroactively, we have to jump through numerous hoops with Russia, BESIDES post placement reports which are already being done.

I hope this concludes our paperwork relationship with them.  Although I am looking forward to meeting the nice man I have been talking to for  the last few months.  Mr. Stanislav. :)

So, I'll get back to blogging when we return. :)

In the mean time..... Have a wonderful Monday Everybody! :)

A Conversation:

Alli and I were in the car together and she commented on my singing.  "Mama, I love it when you sing."
I asked, "Do you remember when I sang to you at the hotel?"
She replied, "Yes mama.  It was the first time I was ever rocked to sleep and sang to."
:)
I remember rocking my sweet baby to sleep for the first time. It was a precious moment. :)
Apparently, we both remembered it well. :)

I can't believe so much time has gone by. :) 

TONE, TIMING AND TRIUMPH

I wrote a post a few days ago called "Not Letting the Little Things Go".      I feel the need to follow up with that because TIMING and TONE are VERY IMPORTANT to success.

 The reason timing is so important is because when a child is very newly home,  it would be OVERWHELMING to work on changing every little thing both for them and for you. And frankly, I think many times, we have rules just for the sake of rules.  There is no real rhyme or reason to them. Since bringing Anna home 9 years ago, we have striven to have any rules we have mean something and not just be rules for the sake of our own convenience. 
It is important for our children to be able to assimilate into family life that meets everybody's needs, not just ours, and that may mean that we have some changing to do ourselves!  That might include rules about food, and for older kids, it might include what they watch or listen to.  If we are used to having only 3 meals a day with no snacks, that might not work for  a child who was starved and lacked food.  If you bring a teen into your home who is used to listening to popular rock music and you typically don't allow it, there may need to be some  compromise.

We have never made a big deal about Santa here. But when Anna came home she was all about Santa.  That was NOT the time to tell her there is no Santa.   NO... we went to SEE SANTA... I had to adjust what I did for her needs in order to  not further traumatize her.

I read  online, somebody asking a question about bringing home newly adopted older children.  They were asking for advice on what to do now! :)
The question was answered in a way that was rather shocking to me.  I read several answers and then just felt sad.
The answers were:
"Don't give them an inch or they'll take a mile!" "Establish that YOU ARE IN CONTROL NOW, or you'll regret it!"  "LAY DOWN THE LAW!"  and those are just a few off the top of my head. MAKE SURE THEY RESPECT YOU!
NOT ONE PERSON SAID, "Be gentle, be kind, love them."
I left this group as I felt like I was surrounded by those I could not identify with. It made me sad because I felt like they were setting this person up for a very difficult path, and possibly a path to disruption.
Am I saying that we are not in control over here? No.  Am I saying that we are not authorities in our children's lives? No.  We are. Am I saying we are not respected?  No.  We are respected, but obedience and respect goes hand in hand with trust and relationship. 
I want my kids to obey and comply with family rules out of LOVE and mutual respect, not out of some sort of forced fear or sense of doom if they don't.

The very FIRST AND FOREMOST part of instructive discipline  is relationship, and working to become part of the same team. 
When I say not letting anything go, I am not talking about constantly correcting or punishing a child newly home until they understand all the rules... I am talking about gently guiding and teaching them along the way. 
We had to let MANY things go with all of our girls at first.  We had to focus on relationship and building trust.

Now that Miss Alli has been home for 17 months, there are a few things we can work on that we didn't before.  Why didn't we?  Because she would have been overwhelmed!  The best analogy I can think of is, "You expect a child to understand  trigonometry without teaching addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, and then algebra first! "

I think that sometimes there is way more struggle and failure because of too many expectations too soon.
If we work on true relationship, a lot of things will work themselves out!  And then there is just a little tweaking needed. :)

So when we ask our girls to change tone of voice, or to try walking down the hall nicely,
those times didn't happen in the beginning.  They happened after a relationship of trust was developed and we had to make sure our tone was one of loving acceptance and not harsh judgement.

What happened before we got to that point?  A LOT of working on relationship.  We spent countless HOURS talking to Miss All,i sitting on the floor by her bed, or on her bed or snuggled up with her talking and explaining and encouraging her.  We spent countless hours explaining where she misunderstood something she thought she understood, and countless hours  about what was going on in her heart. There was NO WAY we could have addressed a door slam at that point.   We were too busy addressing the hurt, pain and trauma of her past. 
Now, we may have said when all was well and she was mournful over her actions, "How about next time you just come and talk to us and try not slamming the door?"  We'd get a darling smirk and a sheepish "ok" "sorry about that".....

Now that she has come to truly TRUST US and LOVE US,  if she starts down that path, we can say, "Ummm Hello, let's try that one again"  And she does.  I have JUST started doing this with her, in the moment!"  
The reason is, that she can handle an "in the moment" redirection now.  It is something we have grown into over time.  And she has grown because she trusts us.

I just felt for some reason the need to clarify that. :)

Lessons and Blessings

I am sure glad the girls have savings accounts.  They don't have a lot, but they have them.  

Sarah learned a lesson about responsibility and not getting too goofy with other people's things!

Apparently a few Sundays ago,  Sarah picked up Erika's purse to smack one of the Jr. High boys who took her flip flop..... Hmm. 
That Smack caused Erika's electronic bible to break.
  It was in the outside pocket and took a direct smack.  Now as far as I know, this boy was fine and we have talked about not smacking ANYBODY.... even if it is in fun.

The other part of that lesson however is about being responsible when you break somebody else's property.  Erika should NOT have to go without her electronic bible she took such good care of.
So we told Sarah that she would have to pay for it.  Erika was actually willing to let it go, but we were not.  Responsibility is a lesson that really needs to be learned and we felt that if it was let go, it might happen again.
Sarah graciously agreed to pay the price of the bible.

 Erika and I went bible hunting and she was blessed with a NEW and IMPROVED electronic bible.
It was way nicer than the one she had, and because the store was phasing it out, she got 100 dollars off!!  She payed an amount combined with Sarah's amount and found a wonderful electronic bible that also holds music, video, a calendar, notes and a lot LOT more!

And then Erika gave Sarah her broken Bible to play with.  It works a little if you can get past the large purple blob on the screen. :)

 

 And All is Well.

Watching For Gold!

They are really into the Olympics this year.  This is Alli's first year to see anything like this and she is just loving it!  Of course, she is rooting for the Americans AND the Russians.  She wondered if the Russian girl would have let her give her a hug even though she wouldn't let the coach.....
Alli said, maybe she is an Orphan and doesn't know any better. :)
"If I had been an Orphan and a Gymnast, I may have acted the same way."

 Alli and Sarah have been two peas in a pod ALL DAY LONG!  I have barely seen them! They have been playing and PLAYING and making movies and drawing. :)

 Rooting for the Gymnasts!

 Sarah's leg is still very sore. I can't wait until her new leg is done.  She has been on crutches off and on for  a few weeks.

 Erika the beautiful.... :)

 A Blurry Gabby. :)

The Fearless Foursome. :)  My awesome girls. :)

Going For Gold!

... in the dog paddle! :)

Making Movies

 Grannie.

I can't wait until this movie is finished. :)  I love Summer Creativity!  For the last few days the girls have been "movie making".... 
It is so fun to see them all working together, being creative together, and having FUN!

Not Letting The Little Things Go.....

Many times when I try to explain our parenting style, or BCLC or Karyn Purvis's ideas, it seems like people think we allow misbehavior to reign and do nothing about it.

This could not be further from the truth!

Not only, do we do something about it.... We do it RIGHT AWAY!  We NEVER, EVER allow for a second to go by, if somebody has "snotted off" or been disrespectful.  It is addressed immediately with a simple statement.
"That is NOT ok!"   And even a.. "That is NEVER ok!"  Or a "Since when is THAT ok?"  Or a "Has that EVER been OK?"   or a "You may Not!"
Now, we may need to take time after that statement to allow for a child to cool down, or regroup or even for ourselves to strategically think of a plan of action, but we ALWAYS ALWAYS address it, FIRST with an immediate statement, and THEN with follow up at the RIGHT TIME.

When things are calm and our children are back into a "thinking mode", it is THEN that we discuss the issue of WHY something is not ok.   In the moment, you may as well be saying "blah blah blah" if you try to talk to them,  because they will not be able to understand clearly or think clearly.
 But once they have calmed,  you can lovingly talk with them about the whys and IMPORTANTLY about WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY.   The WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY is JUST as important as the talk about why something they did was wrong!  It gives them the TOOLS to do something different!

It may take  months or in some cases years for some children to understand and respond under pressure without going back to old habits.   That is when we tell ourselves that we are progressing and moving forward, a little at a time, but progress is progress!!!!

If IN THE MOMENT of the behavior we SPEAK a TRUTH as simple as "THAT IS NOT OK"....
it will be imprinted with that behavior.  Even if the child is not thinking clearly, they will still get a SHORT, CLEAR message.  They may not respond to it right away, but they will catalogue it.
If we are consistent, and every time we repeat a simple phrase, and THEN follow up with loving discussion and acceptance, things will begin to change.

Learning how to fit into a family, learning  what behaviors are ok and not ok,  and understanding how to communicate feelings are HUGE issues for an adopted child.
How we communicate that and our consistency of communication  is VERY important! 

As parents, we do not have the liberty to be lazy.
If your child throws a pencil across the room or rudely grabs something from you, to simply ask them to do it again correctly in a calm manner, is teaching them those little subtleties of communication are not acceptable.  "If you are angry or frustrated, you can SAY, 'Mom, I'm so frustrated!' But throwing your pencil across the room is not an option."

We do not permit stomping down a hall and slamming a door.  Now I SAY that, and it is true. Does that mean Miss Alli has never done that?  No.  It means that if she has, we ask her to do it over again.
Walk nicely down the hall, and close your door quietly.  This has REALLY helped her to begin to express herself with words instead of the more primitive body language she was used to. And it has greatly helped her to learn self control.

Now, we are working on improving in areas that we couldn't even touch last year.  We are working on those rough edges of tone and body language.  I especially think this is hard for kids who come from Eastern Europe.  The language is very halting in tone.  I remember thinking the entire time we were in Ukraine that everybody who spoke was mad.  It wasn't true.   It is just the way the language sounds.   So it is doubly hard for our kids to learn English AND tone of voice. 

With Miss Alli, and even  with Erika when she was first home, we had to really work on which words to use that were kind and communicated what we were really trying to say. 

"I WILL NOT DO THAT" does not mean the same thing as "Mom, I don't want to do that".  I had to be VERY CAUTIOUS that I didn't characterize them as being rebellious by saying the first, when they actually meant in their hearts, the second.  One is ok to say, the other isn't.  The best way to solve those little issues, is to repeat 2 ways of saying it.  "Are you saying "I will not! As in I refuse!" Or are you saying, "I don't want to."  99 if not 100 percent of the time, they realized that they needed to change how they said something.

The good thing is she is so very willing. She may not like it, in the moment, but she KNOWS it is for her good and that we are not just picking on her. :)   If I do need to talk to her ESPECIALLY about tone and how things are worded, I always offer to use the video camera so she can see and hear it.
It has worked for her, but OH she doesn't like what she sees, so now we are at a point of  her just trusting that what I told her is the case. :)

We have mostly gotten past the HUGE things that Miss Alli came with.  She knows we love her. She is secure in our love and knows we are not going to send her away.  
Honestly, I am surprised at how quickly she responded. We didn't expect to see real change for a couple of years but she has responded since day one.   This little girl has worked SO HARD and been through SO MUCH!   I do believe she was meant to be with us.  And I do believe she had come to the end of her rope when we got her.
There was nowhere to go but up.

Wisdom From Anna

 Complaining about heat in Texas is like complaining about water because it is wet.  Wisdom from a 13 year old. LOL

Our Olympic Champion

Sarah, watching the Olympics. :)  She is our champion!

Lady Bella

Yes, my family is very happy. I have learned to sit!  I will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. :)

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

Yes, There can only be ONE!!!

FRITO BANDITO!!!

"Your Perfect Will, Your Perfect Way"

I am really going to love this song...

The Perfect Wisdom of Our God
 Words & Music by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend
 © 2011 Thankyou Music and Gettymusic

The perfect wisdom of our God,
Revealed in all the universe:
All things created by His hand,
And held together at His command.
He knows the mysteries of the seas,
The secrets of the stars are His;
He guides the planets on their way,
And turns the earth through another day.

The matchless wisdom of His ways,
That mark the path of righteousness;
His word a lamp unto my feet,
His Spirit teaching and guiding me.
And oh, the mystery of the cross,
That God should suffer for the lost
So that the fool might shame the wise,
And all the glory might go to Christ!

Oh grant me wisdom from above,
To pray for peace and cling to love,
And teach me humbly to receive
The sun and rain of Your sovereignty.
Each strand of sorrow has a place
Within this tapestry of grace;
So through the trials I choose to say:
“Your perfect will in your perfect way.”



That last verse rings such a chord with my heart.  God's perfect will and perfect way, many times I do not comprehend or understand, but I know that I KNOW, there is a perfect will and a perfect plan.  And I rest in it.