THE "TOGETHER FOR THEM" CONFERENCE

Mike, the girlies and I headed to "The Together For Them" conference <---( link)in Houston Texas this weekend!

We had a fantastic time! 

Our friends, the Days, hosted us for  the weekend and we are SO THANKFUL for their generous hospitality!!!   It isn't easy hosting a family of SIX! ( I love Princess Laeh's glowing eyes) <<<--the dog. :)
On the way, we stopped at the "Sam Houston Memorial" and took in a little Texas History. :)

 The Conference started this a.m. at around 8:30 and went until 3:30 or 4:00.  We had a wonderful time.  Alex Krutov, Author of "Infinitely More"<--- link   was the key note speaker, and he was just precious! I wanted the girls to hear him speak. He was an orphan in Russia, adopted by Russian parents, ABUSED for 2 years by them, and then became a street kid.  He was then put in an asylum for  criminals, which he was NOT, drugged, and worse.... and finally made it out.  His story is one of TRAGEDY and TRIUMPH! A must read, or HEAR, if you ever get to hear him speak. He is just a wonderful young man, who has experienced the Mercy and GRACE of God.

 I did 2 sessions at this conference back to back... The Title was "Dare To Disciple".

 Erika was in there to take some pictures. :)

 I am so thankful to have had this opportunity!
The conference will be available online.
Thank you to ALL those who prayed for me and for the conference!

And as of tonight..... I have ZERO voice! LOL  Totally lost it and everybody around here has been thinking it is rather funny! Except for me! :)

 ONE MORE THING! Mike drove TO the Conference and Back and I am really thankful that he did!
I really felt supported all weekend. We are a good team! :)


MORE Pictures of Our Trip:

And here is a short video of Lydia, Sarah and Alli.....

So thankful for our friends the Days' for letting us invade their house! :)  It was really fun!

President's Day

 Class Presentations on President's Day were really fun.  The girls had to write a short few paragraphs on their favorite president and why he was their favorite. :)
For fun, the littles did their reports with quill pens and Ink. :)
They both worked very hard making that first LARGE old fashioned letter.

 Her Favorite President was Abraham Lincoln.

 I think Anna looks very distinguished in her new reading glasses!

 Sarah's favorite president was George Washington.

 Alli's favorite president was Abraham Lincoln.

Erika's favorite president was Abraham Lincoln also!

I would have to say mine is George Washington too.... or John Adams....I haven't been able to decide.

This weekend I will be speaking at the Together for Them Conference.   I'm looking forward to meeting some of you!
Now, if I can keep my voice, as it seems to be sounding a bit SCRATCHY...... that will be nice! LOL
Anna put together a slide show for me to put on my display table while Erika was away skiing in Colorado.  Thank you Anna for all that hard work!  Of course, she worked in a Justin Bieber song. LOL
So, here goes!  YIKES!

The Ukrainian Bathroom Saga

In my previous post<---- link, I wrote about how God uses even our selfishness to bring about His purposes in our lives.  I mentioned that we used McDonald's for coffee and sometimes a bathroom, but there was a long story behind that. 

Here is that story! :)


When we picked Erika up from the orphanage, she still had her feet.  She was in braces that she could sort of walk in, but it was hard for her and she was in a lot of pain.  She would more like "slide" her feet in what she called "her bricks".  
These braces attached as high as her upper thigh, just below the buttocks.  They had straps and hinges, so you could let the tops down, but they only went to a 90º angle.

Now, many of you who have been to Ukraine, know that public restrooms can consist of a porcelain hole in the ground.  It would be required that a person "squat"..... a position that I certainly have never been used to. LOL
And Miss Erika, who is unable to bend, hardly at all, CERTAINLY could not attain a position like that!

Back to the story:

We were in the Internet Cafe' near Victory Square.  It is upstairs and there was no elevator.  The handicapped are pretty much UNSEEN in this country. They are neatly tucked away in institutions out of the sight, minds and hearts of this nation. :(

We carried Erika upstairs with us and were enjoying writing to our relatives, when Erika got this look on her face and said, "Toilet"!  I'm really glad "Toilet" is the same in English and Russian! :)
But that look on her face convinced me this was urgent.  We asked her if she could wait, and the answer was "NYET!"
So, I took her to the bathroom at the internet cafe'.  It was a hole in the ground.  I struggled to try and help her over that hole but there was no way! And she said, "TOILET!" Even louder!
Ok, Ok!   I'll get you to a toilet!

So, I got her dressed again, and headed down the stairs with her.  There was a McDonald's about a Foot Ball field in length away..... I was walking as quickly as possible holding her in my arms.  She was small, but she was a bundle at 45 lbs!
It was so cold, and I was getting out of breath. We had to go up stairs into the McDonalds, and then Down a  flight of stairs to the bathroom...
There was a CODE that had to be typed in at the door, meaning you had to PURCHASE something or you couldn't use the bathroom, and oh the LINE!
A manager saw me coming back up the stairs and I must have been was terribly out of breath!
I managed to get out.... "TOILET!" 
Erika said it again! "TOILET!"
The manager quickly took us down the stairs and opened the door with the code for us..... Thank YOU Manager!
The door opened to a room FULL OF BEAUTIFUL TALL WOMEN all crowded around the mirror.... there was no room to fit in! 
Erika said, "TOILET!" 
It was like the red sea parting.... There was a stall open and we rushed in.....
I quickly got her undressed, coats off, braces pulled down...... and then..... AND THEN.......
AND THEN!!!!
There was this, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle..... "Spaciba!"  And a big smile. :)
I was thinking, " for all that effort can't you produce a little more?"
Nyet! It was just a tiny TINKLE???? 
LOL....
So we finished up, and I carried her back up the flight of stairs and we sat on the steps of the McDonald's so I could catch my breath and not keel over from a heart attack. :)
After about 15 minutes, we went back to the Internet Cafe' and back up the other flight of stairs where Mike was happily typing away to his dad.  LOL
He looked at me and said, "Wow, what took so long!"

How God Uses Even Our Selfishness For HIs Purposes

I have wanted to share this since 2006 when I started this blog.  Our 2nd post <--- link  was all about our Trip to Ukraine.  It was more, just a series of emails.  The April 17th Email was written by Mike's Dad.  He said there was a story to tell, and I am going to tell that story today. 

We were sharing this with our Pastor Justin on Sunday and I remembered again, how God is so full of Grace and Mercy towards His children.

Mike, Erika and I were back in Kyiv on the last leg of our trip.  She had passed the American Embassy physical, and had her passport.  We had all of our adoption documents, but we were there a little longer than expected, and had to change our Air  Line Tickets.  We had one day to find the Delta Airlines office in Kyiv, but they had MOVED, and we couldn't read the door in Ukrainian that gave the new directions. 
We called the phone number feverishly, but nobody answered. Instead, we got a disconnect message. Or I think that is what we were getting.

Our translator was gone for  Easter Weekend.  We were quite comfortable when she wasn't with us, and in fact found it better for her time with us in Kyiv to be limited.  She was young and sweet, but made some errors in judgment that caused everybody struggles.  She kept purchasing gifts for Erika, and at one point had Mike carry all her luggage while she pushed Erika in the wheel chair.  Needless to say, we were a little stressed, and concerned and disappointed that her first Ice Cream cone didn't come from us, even though we had made a real request that it did.
I know this may sound silly, but we were being very careful with a very attention deprived, sensory deprived child, and we were on red alert trying to get her through without too much stimulation.
I was cooking most meals so we could just eat as a family, though we did meet with another family a few times and took walks.
Erika ENJOYED the sun and the sights. :)

I remember enjoying that Easter  Sunday morning SO MUCH, listening to the Church Bells going off all over the City, and standing on the balcony of our High Rise Apartment Building to remember the Resurrection of our Dear Lord.

After being pretty exhausted from a full day on Monday, longing for home, anxious to  be back with the girlies, I headed out to get some salsa, and ground pepper.  We were going to have scrambled eggs and toast, and I wanted some spice!  This was my "pre night shade" era where I could have SALSA!

However, Salsa is not a popular item in Ukraine.  IN fact, it was TERRIBLY expensive, so much so, that I could not justify the cost, so I decided to settle for ground pepper.
In the stores, you are not allowed to go behind the counter, you have to point for things, or say the correct word in Russian or Ukrainian. 
I waited in line and when I got to the counter I couldn't remember the word for pepper.  So, I said "salt' in Russian and then signaled "SALT....shaking  and ?? shaking my other hand hoping they would understand I wanted pepper."
She did! YEA!  But she gave me pepper corns, not ground.  So I explained with hand motions again.... doing the grinding motion. 
She got mad and kicked me out of line!  I was BOOTED!

So I went to the end of the line and tried again.  BOOTED AGAIN!
So I went to the end of the line and tried again!  I felt like I was going to cry, but sucked it up.
After all, I should have KNOWN that word, but I had left my book in the apartment.
The 3rd time, I purchased the peppercorns and figured I'd try to crush them myself.

When I got back, Erika was enjoying a luxurious bath and I started dinner.  But I couldn't get those pepper corns crused.  It was too hard and they kept shooting out from under the knife.

That is when MY window of tolerance shut and I began to cry.  Mike came in to find a hysterical wife saying, "I'M NOT COOKING ONE MORE MEAL!" "I'M NOT!"
I told him, "I want NACHOS and Jalapenos and SALSA!"  We had been SO GOOD not to go to McDonald's when there was all that wonderful Ukrainian food to be had! 
McDonald's was for coffee only, and the bathroom, but that is ANOTHER LONG STORY!<--Link

We knew there was a TGI FRIDAYS about 4 blocks from our Apartment, so we headed out.  When we arrived, the restaurant was FULL! There was no place to wait, especially with a wheel chair, but we insisted we would wait!

Then, this man's voice that was DISTINCTLY AMERICAN spoke up and said, "I'm at a table for 4 and I'm by myself, I'll move!" 
We said, "Don't Move, can we just join you?"  He said, "Sure!"
So we introduced ourselves, and he asked the obvious.... "Why are you in Ukraine!"
We explained to him why we were there, and told him all about the miracles that took place to even get there, and all the adventures we were having.

Erika entertained us with her new ability to Sing "Jesus Loves Me"..... every time she heard the word "Cheese", she'd break into song. LOL   (cheesus loves me) :)


We told him about my pepper nightmare and need for spice, and then told him we needed one more miracle.  As we explained to him our predicament about needing to change our Airline Tickets by the very next day, or we'd have to buy new ones, he was intrigued. 
"What airline are you with?"

We told him we were with Delta Airlines.   He got this huge smile on his face and said, "Well, it looks like your last miracle has taken place!"
"He then picked up his knapsack.... It said, "Delta Airlines" right on it!  He was the NEW DIRECTOR for Delta, and had been in Ukraine for 6 weeks, originally from Atlanta Georgia!

We couldn't believe it!  He pointed to a building across the street from the restaurant, and said, that is the new building. Sorry about the phones, nothing happens quickly here. LOL
And then, he said, when you come tomorrow, ask for me, I'll come out and make sure you are taken care of.
The next day, we did just that.  When he came out, he explained to the two ladies that were there what we needed.  They were so kind, and as they were looking for the best deal on tickets, both had little tears streaming down their faces; happy that Miss Erika was headed to her forever home.

I will never forget how God even used my own selfishness of not wanting to cook, to bless us so very much with one more confirmation that HE was in control, even to the point of the mean pepper lady who kept on kicking me out of line! :)
And we RESTED in HIM.

And then, about 4 hours into our second flight, my mind was numb staring at that airplane going across the sea.....:)
And I began to struggle with fear thinking, "We have no money! We have to start over after being out of business for the last 5 weeks....we now have 3 children!  Are we crazy??"
And as soon as I thought it, I confessed....."Lord, you know all things... If you can get us through Ukraine and back, while it is supposed to be closed, arrange for the details of our trip home, and provide all you have provided.....I'm SURE you will not abandon us!

When we finally made it home, it as very late.  We headed straight to bed and sort of went into hybernation.  Our ministry group  had decorated our home, filled it with food, and left all sorts of cards on the counter. 
At about 3:00 in the afternoon, I was opening cards and then found an envelope with $$.... a GIFT to us from those who love the Lord.  
And another thing was placed in my heart to remember God's Faithfulness to His Children.

And she really does love to dance. :)

Erika's Ski Trip

 Erika had a wonderful time! We were all very excited to pick her up at the airport after it was over.... We finished off her weekend by taking the family out to Chipotle, so we could just chill, sit and talk. :)

Oh MY! This girl has NO FEAR!  She went to the second highest drop off called Mary Jane and sledded down.

Here are some highlights of her trip!

 At the airport

 Take Off

 Mountains

 There were several staff members from Texas Scottish Rite hospital.

 Getting ready to go down.

 The cooks

 Y also goes to camp in the summer with Erika and Sarah

 Dr. Herring and his lovely wife Kathy.

 Erika and H.

 Colorado refrigerator Magnet! :)  Thank you!

ON BEING FAKE

I have heard many different twists to the word FAKE in relation to bonding with our children. The most common one I have read is,  "Fake it until you make it."
I don't like using the word FAKE or the connection it has to "shallow" and "deception".
I also don't like it because children can very well pick up on insincerity.
Faking something requires a bit of a "lie".
To Fake something means that you are not sincere. It is to gloss over a very big problem!
Our kids need us to TRULY LOVE THEM from day ONE!

I think "Fake it until you make it" comes from a misunderstanding of love.

LOVE is a verb.... it is doing what is best for your child at all times.  LOVE believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things and it does NOT fail!
Unconditional LOVE does not expect. Unconditional LOVE is not based upon what somebody else can give back... it is FREELY GIVEN. PERIOD.  It does not only act when a "feeling" is there.
It acts unconditionally, and then the feeling follows, if it weren't there already.
Strangers have to have time to get to know each other!
Unconditional love forgives WITHOUT condition!
Unconditional LOVE does not worry about "Me Time", but gains strength from the LORD, to press on and be refreshed.  HE refreshes us.  If we try to please ourselves..... it just doesn't work.
There is a difference between escaping because we feel we deserve the things we no longer indulge in and miss them, than taking time alone for reflection and seeking the Lord for strength and peace in the midst of a storm.
One is escape... the other is a filling up. 
I know that when I feel my tank beginning to run on empty, I need to spend some time in devotion, prayer, reflection, reading and just quiet to gain strength and energy.

There are times when we don't HAVE the means or ability to fill up by having any quality alone time. That is when I think of Susanna Wesley, the mother to the famous Theologian John Wesley.
She had 19 children, but only 10 of them lived.  So with 10 children running around, and a husband that was many times absent, her life was very difficult.  She resorted to putting her apron over her head to signal to the children that she was praying. 

When babies are born to us, it takes time to know them. We learn all about their little personalities over the months and years as they are growing and developing.  It is not much different for our children who come to us through adoption. We get to know them over the months and years.

Just as we do with babies, we check them out.... look that their sweet expressions, movements, laughs, giggles, and sweet babbles.... we do this with our older children who come home to us through adoption.  We fall in love with their laugh, smile, mannerism, giggle, sense of humor, and each part of their personality.

We know that our children didn't get to the place they are emotionally, overnight;  and they will also not heal, overnight, because they are with us.
For Miss Alli, when she came home, 11/11ths of her life was CHAOS and TRAUMA after TRAUMA.  It would have been quite unreasonable for us to expect that she be all healed up just because we took her to Chuck E. Cheese, bought her new clothes or gave her a nice bed to sleep in.  It would be RIDICULOUS to expect that she would NOT see us suspectfully, waiting for the next rejection.
AND THAT is why as PARENTS we cannot take a child who is afraid to attach, personally. IT IS NOT PERSONAL, IT IS TRAUMA.

 REMEMBER, it was not necessarily THEIR choice to come into a new family.  The other side of being adopted, is being rejected. BONDING to our children is a CHOICE by US!  Our children attach to us... because they feel our love and acceptance for them. I am not talking about perfection here, or an oozing over with gushing feelings of adoration.   If your child has come to you through adoption, they are a stranger!

What does loving a stranger look like?  It is doing what is best for your child at all times.
It is choosing to see the good things and have those in the forefront of your mind and not the bad.
It is studying that child, getting to know them, what makes them happy, sad, fearful, joyful, delightful.   It is allowing your heart to have NO GUARD on it, and giving yourself over to and making yourself vulnerable to that child. NO HOLDING BACK.   It is cherishing the relationship to come, as you dance through getting to know them. 
When Alli first came home almost 2 years ago, she was a stranger! She lived her first 11 years and 1 month with other people!While we accepted her with open arms into our home, we still did not know her.  Yet we LOVED her greatly! She is the little one the Lord chose to bring to us.  We studied her, talked with her, communed with her, sang to her, rocked her, and even fed her.  As we poured all of ourselves into her, she responded..... at first just a tiny bit, and then a little more, and then she dove into the pool of love to be washed anew with a new perspective on life, parents, and God.We picked something each day to find cute about her, or funny about her. She was spunky and funny, and we loved her laugh.

If you are struggling in this area, it is ok!  It gets better.  We can go to the Lord and He will strengthen us and give us wisdom.
Also, making  a list of all the positive qualities about your child and choosing to love those makes  it much easier to foster positive affection, as opposed to being angry or disappointed and making a list of all the negatives!
When you find yourself admiring something about your child, ad something else to that list! :)
Don't fake love.... GIVE YOUR GENUINE LOVE!
It is VERY important that we put  all preconceived ideas of what our future child will be like and instead, prepare for the child that God has chosen for us, warts and all, because we all have MANY flaws!
I remember talking to Sarah's family, and the idea of preconceived dreams of what she would be like was a HUGE factor.  She was NOT who they had built up in their minds for her to be like.  The "Romance" of adoption quickly ends and reality sets in.  Don't prepare for for adoption with the emphasis on clothing, bedding and new paint.  Prepare your heart for the LIFE you will share together with somebody very special that the Lord has brought into your life!  Prepare to be humbled, broken,  strengthened and given such JOY, as you find your way through the Journey in Christ.
Sorrow and Suffering are sometimes your friends, as with Much Afraid in the alagorical book "Hinds Feet on High Places", but remember...... Sorrow and Suffering, turn into Gladness and Joy!

If you are having a difficult time, seek the Lord to give you wisdom and show you how to minister to your child.  Ask the Lord to reveal your own sin, so you can confess it and heal from it, and then see clearly how to minister to your child.

We are all on this journey together! 
NO FAKE NEEDED! :)

A Tale Of Two Lies

Memories from 23 years ago!

Back when our boys were younger, there are two distinct LIES that I remember, and two distinct ways in which we handled them.

In my earlier years, all I knew was "Traditional Fear Based Parenting".  Even though we had moved away, and greatly distanced ourselves from many of these ideas, we still were struggling with how to deal with difficult situations.

While I was very uncomfortable with it, I knew NOBODY who didn't actually spank. Those years were at the   "James Dobson" "Dare to Discipline"  peak.

We were quite poor so we used to take the boys on Friday Nights to get a 4 dollar pizza and let the boys play some games. They LOVED to go.  They also decided together to save their ticket prizes for a "grand prize"....
The time came for that "Grand Prize".  We were planning to go to "Pistol Petes", and that night, they would turn in all of their tickets for a video.
There was excitement in the air.... and the day came....
The tickets were MISSING from our room!  I found them in one of our boy's pillow case!
We confronted him... "Why did you take the tickets and hide them?".. (sleep with them)
He accused his brother. :/
We knew this particular son was overly anxious and the excitement was too much for him.... but he STOLE!
So, after talking to him, and FINALLY getting a confession.... he received a swat. :(
We rewarded his TRUTH telling with a punishment!  ACK!  I hate to even think about it!
I don't think there was a precious moment in that. We were upset, and he was punished.


A few years later... as we were learning more about grace....

Our youngest son did something very wrong.  He and his brother walked to the local Dairy Queen.
There was this game. The rules were, if your quarter lands on this certain spot, you win a Sundae.
Our son told the manager that His quarter landed there. It was not his quarter, but somebody else's.
He ate the Sundae he was falsely rewarded.

The next week, I asked the guys... "Do you want to go to Dairy Queen for an ice cream?"
Our youngest would ALWAYS say "NO! I don't really want to!"
I couldn't figure it out for the longest time!

A year went by, and the guilt had eaten him up.  He came to me and confessed the dirty deed  he had done. 
My response was, "I am so proud of you for telling the truth!"  "But we need to  make it right."
We called the manager at the Dairy Queen and asked to meet with her.
Both Mike and I took our sweet son to pay for that Sundae.
The manager told our son, "I am so proud of you for being honest!" 
She told him, "You are welcome to eat here at ANY TIME!"

The lesson learned for me, was that the Lord in HIS good timing will convict the heart! And the life lesson learned will be forever imprinted on the heart.
It required No spanking, or scolding!

After that... I was comfortable to toss Dobson and His ideas out!
I just KNOW we could have handled the first situation so much better had we had the tools or understood what was behind his behavior.
It could have led to a stronger relationship and not fear of punishment!

God's ways are SO much better than ours!

She's Back!

Erika is back home with us.  She had a WONDERFUL time in Winter Park, Colorado, Skiing.
Everybody said she tried everything and did not hold back! :)  That's our girl! :)

After we picked her up from the airport, we took her out to dinner and just enjoyed being together once again. :)
In the car, Erika and Sarah couldn't stop talking and giggling. :)

I asked Erika, "What was the absolute HIGHLIGHT of your trip?" 
She said, there were many highs and she loved it all.... but the VERY BEST part was, on the second night. 
She said the first day and night, everybody was shy and there wasn't a lot of talking.  But the SECOND night, everybody couldn't STOP talking and laughing.  She said she observed Dr. Herring, with such joy on his face, watching everybody interact, and that just made her so happy to see Him so happy. :)
That is OUR ERIKA!  :)  She is very perceptive and such a sweetheart of a girl. :)

For Talent Night, Erika played guitar and they re wrote Taylor Swift's Song "Mean".....
"Some day I'll be chilling at the Denver Airport, waiting on a rental car"......
etc. etc. etc.  :)
Erika will post the song in it's entirety on her blog when she wakes up tomorrow. :) (actually, after church)
And TOMORROW, I get to see pictures! :)
Too late to down load tonight.
These are from the airport. :)

 Alli telling Erika, "I've been waiting forever!" :)

 Together again!

 Somebody checked their legs! LOL  The Duct Tape was because they got broken on the slopes. Duct tape is just AWESOME!

 Back in Daddy's arms. :)

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But What About Consequences??

An Alternate Title Would Be....
"What About Punishment?"

"If you were pulled over by a policeman, because you were speeding, shouldn't you get a ticket?"

What I DESERVE vs. What I HOPE for, can be very different.  Would you WANT a ticket?  Or would you WANT mercy? 
I know for me, I would want mercy!  I have gotten both. :)

In the movie,   Les Miserables, the problem with Jarvet' was that he was a "law follower"; carrying out the letter of the law with no mercy.  He demanded consequences, when he himself  transgressed, because he didn't understand grace or mercy and eventually, it destroyed him.  He was a fear based, consequence based follower!

One of the biggest hurdles to get over, when talking about "Grace Based Parenting", or "BCLC" type parenting, is what about CONSEQUENCES?
Don't they NEED consequences???

I am going to attempt to answer this, but it is both THEOLOGICAL and POSITIONAL.

If I were to ask a Christian, what they deserved because of sin.... They would go to Romans 6:23
"For the Wages of Sin is Death... (what we are deserving of)

But the SECOND half of that same verse says, "But the FREE gift of God is ETERNAL LIFE in Jesus Christ our Lord!"

What we DESERVE vs. GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE, freely given is an amazing TRUTH in Scripture.  John 3:16 says, "This is the way God chose to show His Love for the World. HE gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have Eternal Life" 
17- For God did not send His son into the World to condemn the world, but that the world through HIM, might be saved.

(the world was already condemned back in Genesis.)

King David, whom God said was a "Man after God's own heart".... a "Righteous man"; was also a sinner.  David committed Adultry with Bathsheba while he was king. Her HONORABLE husband didn't want to dishonor the king by going into his wife while there was a battle, so he slept by David's doorstep.  The King tried to get him drunk.... he still refused, so David, trying to cover up His own sin, sent Uriah to his death in battle by putting him on the front lines.  He then took Bathsheba to be his wife.
The Prophet came to David and told him a story....
"There was a man who had a little sheep.  He loved his lamb and treated it more like a pet.
The rich man, wanted a feast so he came and TOOK the little lamb from the man and had a feast !"

As David listened to the story, he became angry.... "This man is DESERVING of DEATH!"
And the prophet said, "That man is YOU!"  "You took Uriah's wife, and had him killed"!
David was DEVASTATED by the words, and repented before the Lord in sackloth and ashes, asking that the Lord not remove His spirit from upon him and that He would wash him and cleanse him.

(This is one of my favorite worship songs, taken directly from Scripture in Psalms)

David also had many "Natural Consequences" that took place in his life.  Because of his leadership in some areas, he battled his entire life, and His family was a mess.  
But He was STILL a man who passionately wanted to serve the Lord!

As I pour through the scripture, I find case after case where those who are struggling are helped....
by the Lord.  I see the Prostitute, the Blind Man, the Lame Man, and many, MANY more...
All people with personal sin that needed forgiven. 

I see in my OWN life, so many failures and mistakes, sins, wrongs..... But GOD.....
He is FAITHFUL AND JUST to forgive!  My standing before Him is FORGIVEN. 
Why?  Because He sent His SON to take on the SIN of the World.  HE BECAME SIN FOR US... and a Righteous God, poured out His wrath upon His son, Raised Him from the Dead and IT WAS ACCOMPLISHED..... He took MY punishment.

With this in mind..... I will try to answer why we do not use "consequences", and yet our girls are thriving.  We are not raising little monsters who are demanding everything, but respectful and kind girls who love the Lord, and love us. They are not perfect, but neither am I....

I remember when Alli and I were in North Carolina in the hotel.... her confession that she needed to tell me," I have a secret to tell you, I have a really bad side"....I thought to myself.... glad she knows this.   "I have a secret to tell you.... "I have a really bad side too!"  I know I have mentioned this a few times over the last 2 years.... 
(All of our first posts on Miss Alli start in March of 2011)
I told her our bad side is called a "Sin Nature", we all have one. :)

She seemed almost relieved that she was not the only one.  I cannot find the post where I mentioned this first, but it is down there somewhere! (I need a better search engine)
The VERY FIRST thing we want to do with our children is to teach them all about forgiveness.
It is a concept that is misunderstood even in the church.
Forgiveness does NOT give license for the person forgiven to go on doing whatever they want. Forgiveness brings about LIFE CHANGE....
It doesn't happen all at once, but it has happened for EACH of our girls.

The concept of being FORGIVEN....is FREEING. Our burdens are lifted.  The heavy burdens of shame are removed and we are surrounded in unconditional love.

When our children, even our children who have had the hardest hearts, that were doing everything in the world to keep from being vulnerable again, because they didn't want to hurt again, have succumbed to unconditional love.  And they LIKE it!  THEY LOVE IT!  But it was very scary for them at first.

Their lives have CHANGED and so have ours. 
If we can talk to our girls about wrongs when they come up, and they repent, and we forgive, it doesn't make much sense to punish.  Our grace is not cheap, nor is God's.  LOVE COMES WITH SACRIFICE.  We lay down our lives each day.
We also INSTRUCT and TEACH.... as Christ said, "Go and sin no more"......
We can tell our girls after a talk, "Let's do our best not to do that.... instead, let's work on doing this!"
And we give an example.  They are willing to try, even when it is hard.

I HONESTLY do not think we would have the same results if we laid down the law and punished.
Instead, we allow natural consequences to take over.
Society does not tolerate a screaming child in the market.  (Or I should say I don't)  So when they were younger, they knew, unacceptable behavior would lead to an immediate trip home, no matter what stage we were in the market.  It has happened once to EACH of our children except for Miss Erika. :)  There was no punishment or scolding; just a following through on proper behavior.

Instead of punishing a child for talking back, address the talking back and teach them a better way to express themselves.  Sometimes, they just don't GET HOW to communicate.  Remember where your child came from.  Ours came to us, as I have always said, "Potty Trained and Talking Back!"
In Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child", chapter 8 addresses the issue of correct communication.  She has a short list of "good words" "bad words" to teach appropriate communication.
Instead of "I hate you!"  "I feel sad or angry".   Instead of "That's not fair!"  "I feel jealous".
etc. Redirecting from inappropriate to appropriate can happen by saying, "That is not ok!"  "Let's try again."  IF you have been practicing and teaching (disciplining/discipling) on appropriate responses, your child will be prepared to respond correctly.

DISCIPLINE IS WHAT YOU LIVE OUT! IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, BUT IT IS CONTINUAL TEACHING WHILE THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT!

Stay away from the bossy "Because I said so's".   Instead, if a child asks why, offer them an answer.
Why not? 
If we are building relationship, they need to be able to trust us, and asking why, is not a bad thing.
I used to tell my boys that I don't mind answering why, but I want you to obey first....
With the girls this has worked  LATER, but not in the beginning. I needed to answer the why and then I had to go the second step and teach them why it is important to obey first, especially because it could be a safety issue.
"Mama will ALWAYS do what is best for you and keep you safe!"  "Trust me!"

So back to the police scenario.... "When your kids grow up, they won't be pampered by the police or job etc."  This is VERY TRUE, and it is something we TELL them and teach to them, giving examples of what COULD happen in the job market, or in general society, preparing them that you might GET that ticket.  And when you do, it will be according to the LAW, and it will be deserved, and you must be respectful and take responsibility.

As they have learned to be responsible at home, this will carry over into society as they get older.
We are to teach the statues and laws of the Lord to our children when they wake up, as we eat, as  we walk together and talk together...and as they go to bed. 
What are those laws?  They are laws on how to honor God and treat mankind.
They can be summed up in 2 commands.  "Love the Lord your God with All your Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself.

In order to love your neighbor as yourself, you have to LOVE yourself!  It isn't the self satisfying love of pride.... it is a healthy love, a right perspective that we have value, because GOD values us.
And then, we teach our children that the golden rule ISN'T do to others what they do to you!  It is NOT and eye for an eye! 
It is, "How do YOU want to be treated?"  Treat others in that way.

I have actually had a girlie tell me one time.... I want you to hit me. :(  This was a long time ago.
I told her, no. I don't want to hit you, I want to hug you.  She sobbed.  Her shame was deeply ingrained.
We have come a LONG ways from those days.  In fact, it was almost 2 years before her heart truly softened.  She sat on my lap one day and said, "Mommy, I want God to take my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh". 
She knew what this meant because I shared it with her all the time.
The day came, where she was able to put her guard down, leave her RAD behind and move into GRACE and MERCY.  

Looking back on the last 9 years of our lives has taught me more about LOVE and GRACE than I have ever learned in my entire life, and I'm old. :)

What some do not understand about Grace based parenting, is that you are NOT SPOILING your child by choosing to disciple them.  Disciplining them is TEACHING them all about the ways of life, teaching them about the narrow way that leads to life and the broad road that leads to destruction.
When we love them through their confessions and do not grieve them, or shame them, they GROW.
They grow in relationship to us, and they grow in themselves, learning forgiveness and HOW to forgive! We grow as people and it spills out into other relationships, including our marriages,
work relationships and how we deal with others.  It is a new set of lenses to view the world through.

Forgiveness is PARAMOUNT to healing in the life of the traumatized child.  It is PARAMOUNT to healing in the life of any person.
If you are harboring resentment towards your child, even secretly, it could quite possibly be coming out in your parenting, and your child will pick up on it! 

FORGIVE them and Heal Together. :)

More Birthdays

Mike and Alli already celebrated their birthdays in early February.  But two of our sons and our daughter in law also have birthdays in February.

Happy Birthday Timothy, Joseph and Rebecca! :)

Tim and Joe are not quite a whole year apart.  I remember when Timothy was 4, his brother turned 4, so he decided he would be 6 like his big brother.  When we explained he was turning 5, not six he was very upset... "How come HE gets to be MY age and I can't be Chuckie's age?"  LOL
I loved those little years with my boys. 
And now I enjoy seeing them with their own children, explaining things to them. 
But for our grandson Sam..... whoa! 
His question today, at the ripe age of 5..... "If God is a loving God, why do bad things happen?"
Ummmm....wow, at 5! :)
I know that Joseph and Rebecca will handle this question just fine!  After all, they already covered if God was a Spirit or had a body. LOL

Y'all are getting OLD!

Valentine's Night.....

WE had a WONDERFUL time at our friend's house.   There were 7 couples that all met together for a very special evening.  
Normally, we invite one couple to our home and have a special dinner. But another of our friends, decided, let's do a bigger get together. :)

We played the "Odywed Game"..... the guys and gals separated and had to answer questions about our spouses and ourselves.
We also guessed how many years of marriage were between all 7 couples! 
And lastly, besides the wonderful dinner....

We danced the Virginia Reel!  Here is what the dance looks like.....

But we were older than all these kids. :)

The children were all at another couple's house having a Pizza Party and playing together.

When we were headed to pick up the girls, we saw what we THOUGHT was a burning plane in the sky! It was sooo odd, we pulled the car over expecting a plane to crash!  3 other couples stopped with us, and we couldn't quite figure out what we were seeing.

When we got home, we looked on the internet and read that a large asteroid had passed by and lit up the Texas/Oklahoma sky, but it was at 8:00, NOT 10:50!
THEN.... about an hour ago, we read that a meteor struck Russia, injuring several people!

What a night!
I am thinking we were seeing that meteor entering our air space.... It appeared to be hovering, but maybe it was just coming down.... and then across the sky it went!
Here is a link to what happened in Russia.