Sarah is 13!

We had a really nice birthday yesterday with Sarah.  After the traditional present hunt, organized by Anna and Erika,

 we headed for the Lake with 7 girls!  

 All went well until the oil light on the van came on.  Being a mechanic's wife, I have learned that red means STOP!
I pulled right into another auto shoppe that suggested I could drive home another 5 miles. NOT! I know better than that.   I called Mike who was at a house painting, and he said, "Call a tow truck", DO NOT DRIVE. 

 While we were waiting for the tow truck we took silly pictures to pass the time. :)

 My friend showed up and took 6 of the girls back with her.

 Erika stayed with me . Here she is in the back seat of the tow truck.

The party resumed after daddy came home with the movie "Super Man", pizza and chocolate cake with strawberries. 

It was a really fun Sarah sort of day! :)

The Thrilling Thirteens! And A TWELVE Too! :)

Today, 3 out of 4 of our girlies are 13! :)

Sarah, Why Are You Hiding....

under the table?  I turned in my chair and saw this:

And then, when she didn't answer, I saw a more complete picture..... just a less complete Sarah.  LOL

Apparently somebody has sore leg.

Tim's Surgery Done

Well, phase one of Tim's surgery is done.  The first thing was to remove plates and pins from his surgery when he was  little boy, to ensure that they are not the real problem. They then injected his hip with cortisone.  Hopefully, HOPEFULLY this will help.  Dr. Sucato was very helpful in explaining why the hip is hurting today.  (Em's I'll tell you what he said later when we talk)  It made perfect sense, and is certainly related to Tim's Cerebral Palsy.

If the procedure this time does not work,  the next surgery will be a much longer recuperation time and much more involved. 
The doctor was very good, but the hospital was NOT Scottish Rite. I was not impressed.   I think we are spoiled at Texas Scottish Rite OR in reality, we aren't and THEY SHOULD be the standard. 
I have to say, if I were to get sick, I would not want to wind up at the hospital that handled Tim's post op. That said, we had a nice visit and Ilse even got to stay with us for the afternoon! :)

 

 She smiled and laughed all day long!
 Marcus came last night and we all had a really good time visiting.




Tim was feeling pretty good this a.m.  and ready to have breakfast.  The doctor came in right after this and said he could go home.  Walking will be a little difficult, but he'll be fine.

A Time to Remember A Time to Forget

Tomorrow, I will be going to the hospital for our son Tim.
Tim has Cerebral Palsy, and underwent some major surgery as a young child.  All of those surgeries except one, took place when I was a single mom.  I was ALONE.  I felt ALONE.
My precious mom in law, Dabba, my mom.... took care of the other boys while Tim had surgery.

That day, that awful day.... when he was just 6 years old.... I can still remember like it was yesterday.
TEN hours of surgery.... a bilateral femoral osteotomy and aducter release.... happened at the University of New Mexico hospital.  I remember sitting in the general waiting area nervously sewing Christmas Ornaments. I didn't DARE allow myself to feel.
Then, I could hear him. "You cut my legs off!"  That was not just in recovery! That was heard in the WAITING AREA! I saw that line that forbid me to cross..... and I was not allowed to go to be with him.  Then, they finally called me.  He was still screaming in pain.
They put him in an ambulance and transported him back to the hospital for kids with special needs.
The nurses looked at his chart and freaked out.  His orthopedist FORGOT to put in an order for pain meds.  NO KIDDING.... So they woke him with NOTHING!  NOTHING  after hammering and sawing and screwing my baby's legs.... NOTHING.
It took over 4 hours to find the doctor to get orders for pain meds.
FINALLY they were given and they were the WRONG DOSAGE. It was a NIGHTMARE.
3 days later, I went and found the director of the small hospital he was staying at.  I asked him to come to my sons room where if I even touched his HAIR he'd say, "Tt hurt mama for you to touch my hair."  That doctor "got it!" and a few hours later, he was on the PROPER dose of medicine to where he could actually rest.

No, I will NEVER forget it.

Every time he heard a siren he would cry.  They sent him home from the hospital too soon, so I demanded that they take him back. I called a pediatrician and explained that he had suffered severe pain and neglect at the hands of these "professionals" and he agreed that he needed to go back into the hospital for a "good experience".
The nightmares were AWFUL.

We both got over it over the years.... and then not.  All those feelings are raw tonight. I'm barely keeping it together. I think Tim is doing WAY better than me. :)

Tomorrow, I will conquer my fear, and spend the night with my precious son, to MAKE SURE that NOBODY treats him like they did when he was 6.  I'm older and MUCH braver and don't mind using my mouth now. :)  Tim WILL have his pain managed. :)

Pray for me.....and especially pray for Tim.  I pray this surgery alleviates the pain he has been in.
Thankfully, his doctor is somebody I respect and KNOW. He was the first doctor Erika saw at Texas Scottish Rite, and is now the director of surgery there. :)
I KNOW that he truly cares about Tim.   

When Erika had her last surgery, I was shocked when our new pastor came and sat with me almost ALL day!   It was WONDERFUL to NOT be alone!    It was actually the first time in a long time.
Only one other time did somebody sit with me. That was an associate pastor when Mike had surgery.

If you are a pastor reading this, please KNOW that your presence when somebody has surgery is MUCH APPRECIATED!  It is definitely NOT time wasted.  I remember....

My Little Women

This week started out HUGE.  I assessed the week on Sunday Night and pulled the covers over my head and decided to watch a brainless movie, "What About Bob".
After our fun trip yesterday, we got home and it was time to birthday shoppe for 2 girls. I haven't even thought about shopping for grand girls and grandsons too!   That has to be done like YESTERDAY!  I am getting more documents notarized today and then taking them to the new translator. Tomorrow, our son Tim is having MAJOR HIP SURGERY.  Because his little baby girl has many special needs and is on a feeding tube, she really cannot be left.   So, Em's will have to stay home.   I will be on pain watch for a couple of days.  At the same time we are getting a rent house ready for inspection on the 21st, and then we will be needing to go to Houston.  We have appts next week for Sarah at Scottish Rite because she has a bump on her arm we can't figure out.   And the list goes on.

So today, my little women woke up and became WOMEN for me. :)  I am not allowed to do anything today; not even fold a towel.  :)  They have taken over the house.  I just love their team work. :)

Anna even braided everybody's hair. :)

Way to go girls! :)
THANK YOU! :)

Alli Has Kitchen Duty

She takes wasted dishes very seriously! LOL
(Anna helped her come up with an idea)

A New Talent

Erika is so creative. She decided to try out clay.... and came up with a bird sitting on a top hat. :)
She just brings me joy. :)

A Quick Trip to Austin

We took a quick trip to Austin today to get Alli's second post placement report apostilled. :)
When we were driving by, I pointed out to Alli the McDonald's where we first picked up Sarah.
She said, "That is so weird to pick up somebody from McDonalds!"
I replied, "Well, remember, you were picked up from Walmart!"
She started laughing.  She said, "Yea, that might be even weirder because they wanted it to be the "garden department". LOL

I have to say, every time I drive by that McDonald's, I feel like weeping.  I don't know why.... Maybe because I feel sad for her old family; that they missed out on such an awesome little girl who has grown into a FANTASTIC teenager as of Thursday of this week. :)  Maybe it is because I remember how scared she must have been.... or Maybe it is because I am so thankful for her.   I remember that day like it was yesterday..... Sarah and Anna making friends in the McDonald's play land before they even knew they would be sisters..... :)

Anyhew..... Erika and Alli and I took the trip.  Anna is a library volunteer now, so she couldn't come and Sarah would rather NOT take a long trip if it isn't necessary. :)

When we got there, I had to pay for parking. Last time, the parking meter didn't work. I called a number and they said if I got a ticket to write a number down and it would be documented. I didn't, so never had to worry about it.  THIS TIME, I think I must have parked in the very same space! My first quarter DIDN'T work! IT ATE my quarter ! Then, I had a bunch of smaller change and it wouldn't take pennies.   I was stuck at 20 minutes.  Some nice person gave me two dimes which brought me to 32 minutes. :)  We gave an hour  to somebody else last week in down town Dallas, so I guess it was payed forward. :)

We really had a great time. :)
Erika being the family photographer she is, brought her camera. :)
Here are some snapshots of our trip.....

 Of course, we started out at the gas pump! 3.21 a gallon! Not bad.... ( I would have NEVER said that 3 years ago! :)

 We are inundated with these birds around here. :)

 The streets of Austin Texas

 Alli sketching.

 The State Capitol.  The state department is on the other side of the street. That is always how we find it.

 We were in Austin all of 30 minutes!   How do I know this?  We had to pay for parking.  We payed for 3o minutes worth. When we got back to the car, we had 2 minutes left! :)

 Alli's sketch

Enjoying the drive awake....

 Ummm. that is me taking a power nap because..... I needed some sleep.

that starbucks drink didn't do a THING! 

And the grand finale:  I was delirious with bad radio:

We had FUN!

What's Behind the Behavior...?

(

 (I picked this picture because of all these little hopeful faces. This was taken from our missions trip back to Ukraine a few years ago, and was at Erika and Sarah's old orphanage.  The little boy in blue, was so sweet and cute and smiley, talking in Russian.  He was actually saying, "I'm going to take your glasses and break them!")
Heather Forbes might say, "What's driving the behavior?"  

I was talking with Mike this morning about how support group is going, and things I would love to cover.  One of those things has to do with what is behind a behavior  that isn't making sense to us.
Putting clues and signs together, may help us come to understand and then be able to address the behavior.  But for many of us, it does not come naturally to think about ,"What's BEHIND the behavior".

For the child who struggles with shame, low self worth or past trauma,  being exposed to failure is overwhelming, because it requires self inspection, and when they don't like themselves, or have a strong sense that others are going to reject them because of their seeming failures, or they are so full of shame they cannot bear it, then it is PARAMOUNT in their minds that they NOT deal with the reality they  are faced with (real or perceived) and do everything to avoid it.  They will fight to keep a semblance of self respect and perceived self worth through diversion.

"I'm NOT going to do that!"
"Why"?  we may ask.....  There will be no real answer.  We will perceive their behavior and tone as DEFIANT.... and if we move to "correct that defiance" ,   the battle that rages will be ALL ABOUT THE WRONG THING.... We will strive to win a battle, yet lose the WAR that is actually being waged on our children's hearts. 
The REAL WAR is against their very being.  The WAR that tells them that they are unlovable, unacceptable, unworthy... the war that has been waged against them from the very first point of trauma in their lives. For many of them, it began at birth, and EACH battle along the way was WON by that war with damning, condemning force.

So here we come in, a new force, and they see us as the enemy. They see that others who have been in our position as a parent have rejected them, hurt them and  betrayed their trust. They are so busy fighting in their own personal war, they don't realize that the true WAR is actually over.  They no longer have to fight for love, for  validation, for acceptance and we are ON THEIR SIDE!

Unfortunately, many times we act as if we are not.  We get caught up in the remnants of a dead war, and try to win an unwinnable battle, instead of leading our little trooper to a place of peace and rest.

So, back to the "I'm NOT going to do that!"

How can we deal with it? 
I remember when Alli first came home, I was told she was in the 4th grade, understood English perfectly, and was fantastic in spelling and math.   I pretty much found ZERO of that to be true.
How did I find that out?   Well, it didn't take long. :)  I assigned her to write a paragraph about something we were studying. 

And guess what she said, oh so "defiantly"! 
"I'm NOT DOING THAT!"  
Why not?
"I don't want to!" "School is stupid!" "This place is stupid!"  "You are not a real teacher!"  and I could go on.... but my favorite was, "Why should I have to listen to you? You're just an old woman from Texas!" :)  gee thanks. :)
In REALITY, she was trying to avoid the FACT that not only could she not spell, or write, she could BARELY read, AND she had VERY LIMITED understanding of the English Language. And she didn't trust me. She had no reason to.  I was the old lady from Texas.
Add to that TWO disruptions, past trauma, separation from bio siblings (I could go on and on ) and  I could instantly see that we were not dealing with writing a paragraph.  She was fighting for her very dignity.  After all, what would it look like if the new kid couldn't even put 3 sentences together?  Would she still be loved? Would she be accepted?  She didn't believe for a minute that she was even going to stay.  She didn't stay with anybody else and they all promised her a "forever family".

So what did we do?  Well, the first thing we did was establish relationship.  We headed for the rocking chair.   "It is ok.  We love you.  We are here for you.  Breathe with me.  Let's become one in our breathing.  And after about 10 minutes.  I addressed the issue with structured correction and teaching. 
"You know, maybe the truth is, that you don't want me to know that you don't even know what a paragraph is!"  I got a nod on that one. 
"I am so sorry.  I didn't know, and you know what?  It is OK.  This is NOT your fault!" 
"Did you know that your brother didn't learn to read well until he was almost 12?"  With that I got peaked interest.  Guess which one~! 
"The school teacher!"  LOL

In calming her and peaking her interest, I was then able to talk to her about the defiance in her voice and what she said. 
"You know, it is never ok to speak harshly to mama.  It is never ok to say "I won't!" when I have asked you to do something, because I will never ask you to do something wrong. (that is important they know that, because they may NOT know that! never assume)

Now, instead of saying "I won't!" How could you have said things differently to tell me what was really wrong? 
At first I got shrugged shoulders, and then I offered an idea, and then she did, and then I offered some humor and then she did.... and before we knew it, the REAL PROBLEM was revealed and SOLVED for the moment.  (The assignment was too hard for her to do on her own, so it was adjusted to her level)
Was there punishment involved? No.
WHY?
Because she apologized for her behavior and because her behavior was SHAME masked in defiance. She was trying to protect herself from more rejection and hurt. How do you punish shame? How do you consequence shame?  I can't.  I can only have compassion and understanding.

That is a small example of many MANY examples I could give over the past 15 months.  But each and every time, a battle was won. Not us against her, but ALL of us against TRAUMA, SHAME, REJECTION and HURT which is the real war.    We were on the same team the whole time. It just took her a while to see that we were her allies and not the enemy. :) 
(Do we do this perfectly every time. NO. We do not. Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and forget.... but that is ok, we are human, just like she is.  When we see we have gone down a dead end, we simply stop, turn around and head the right direction. :))
Those times of outward defiance are few and far between.  She has learned over the year to express herself properly, understand better and use her tools to keep control.  

As she realized each time that we were on her team...we were her ally, the trust which was greatly needed began to be built, not with faulty walls, but a firm foundation.  Each brick cemented in with love, to last a lifetime and to build a new life upon. 

For my support groupers:
I would like to ask that you keep track these next two weeks of how many times this week that your child(ren) are masking what is really going on underneath.... try to see what is driving their particular behavior and write down your response to it.  What were the results? :)

I would like to encourage my readers who are in the TRENCHES with trauma, that it gets BETTER. You will not stay there.... but you must look beyond the behavior and beyond punishing.  If what you are doing is not working.... it is time to try something new. :) 
(This does not have to do with natural consequences, that is another post altogether, and natural consequences are not punishments)