I was contemplating life the other day. This is my last year of my 40's. Next year I will be 50. Yep, nobody, NOBODY is considered young when they are 50. That doesn't mean I can't look great, or have energy or that I have one foot in the grave, but it does mean, most likely I have lived over half of my life. Now, it is time to reflect.
If I had known in advance how my life would be, before it unfolded to me, I think I probably would have crawled into a corner to wait it out; like a timid toddler not wanting to go to preschool.
If anybody had told me how painful the teenage years would be. That I would be laughed at and rejected because of my Savior, I wouldn't have beleived it. After all, this is the United States, a Christian Country, and it was church youth group. They were supposed to Love the same Lord that I did. It was so very painful and confusing.
If anybody had told me that the lover of my youth, would turn on his Savior and reject his own flesh, and the fruit of his loins, I would have cowered in disbeleif. I might never have dared to marry in order to avoid the deep and mournful pain the self doubt, the fear.
If anybody had told me that my second born son would be so very close to death, hanging from a thread between fleshly earth and eternity, I would have been crushed by the weight.
If anybody had told me how lonely I would be, even in a large family, raising four little boys alone, and how difficult it would be to try to be the mom to them that they deserved, I would have run for cover.
If anybody had told me I would marry again, I would have denied it, saying I would never get divorced, how could I marry again!
If anybody had told me that I would have 3 more daughters, I would have said, oh no, I'm a boy mom, not a girl mom!
If anybody had told me about he depths of despair that each of my daughters would come from, I would have been crushed by the weight of pain and sadness.
That is why God kept all of his miracles secrets. God chooses to bless us in many different ways. One of the ways he blesses us, is by breaking us, so he can mold us into what he wants us to be. If we were born perfected, how would He be glorified on Earth?
I think I have been in need of much perfection and breaking in my life. God hates pride. That means he must have hated the pride he found in me.
I was so sure of what I knew as a child, that at times, I would step out on my own and try to force the hand of God. I remember telling a Jehovahs Witness child, I won't let you ride my bike if you don't beleive what I do. I thought I was saving him from Hell fire; not seeing that the Lord is a lord of Mercy and Grace.
I was so proud and pomposs that I KNEW I would never get a divorce. Marriage is forever, besides I was 18 and marrying a minister, I'm divorce proof! Boy did God let me know that wasn't the case.
And then, no perfect healing for my son? What is this all about? I thought if I had perfect faith, without doubt, a mountain would be moved! Why is my son not healed?
Why have I not seen a miracle? He only weighs 2lbs. 14 oz's. He's hardly a mountain!
Where are you God?
How could God lead me into single parenthood! Parents aren't supposed to be single!
Lord, don't you care about my family?
And now, I am led to marry again, but I'm conflicted within. Again and again I study the word of God and what others have to say about remarriage. I pray and pray and sense the leading of the Lord, as does Mike. So I marry.
Wow, something good has happened.
I continue to struggle as God breaks my fingers from the grip of pride. I hear him calling me, "let go", I am a good catcher."
I struggle. "Let GO, I'll catch you!"
Come and be what I want you to be......
I let go... finally totally let go. I don't care anymore. I don't care what other's think of me. I don't care what my life looks like. I care about letting go.
As I basque in the healing balm of the Lord, he lets me know he isn't finished. I already knew that somehow, but I didn't need to hide in a corner anymore.
I knew the only place to run and hide was at the foot of the cross. That is where he wants me to stay.
So he brings these little girls into my life. They are a delight and a joy, and they have come with much tribulation and heartache. I cannot control what happened to them. I cannot take it away. I can lead them to the foot of the cross that took me so long to find. There they can basque in the presense of the Lord and understand that the breaking process in our lives is to rip the weeds of self love, pride and arrogance and replace them with the sweet fragrance of sorrow and suffering. Only there can we find our hope. Only there can we cling to our Lord. Only there can we be molded and shaped in to something of true beauty.
I am so glad that I didn't know what would happen in my life before it happened. I wouldn't have chosen to live my life. I would have been too afraid to live.
And that is exactly why God doesn't reveal everything to us. He knows we would be great big chickens, unable to come out of the coop for fear of the wolves.
He gives us our lives in small bytes.... one day at a time. One revelation at a time, and then when we look back, we see how God in his great infinite love and mercy, extended His hand, and held ours, all through our lives, and we would not trade one moment of the gift of life he as given us for anything.
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)
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